tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central August 31, 2011 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
mentioned grover norquist was the head of the club for growth. he's actually the head of americans for tax reform, although in my defense, same [bleeped] difference. join us next week at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ hey hey ♪captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for
two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody.
thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may be watching tonight. nation, i got to tell you, that applause really brings me such, such comfort. because i got to tell you, i'm blue. (laughter) maybe it's end of summer. i don't know. but i'm not the only one with the case of the blahs. america's going through a pretty rough time. we have a dysfunctional government, a frail economy, and our only remaining manufacturing plant is the cheesecake factory. (laughter) and most humiliating of all we're falling behind russia in inspirational leadership. just take a lack at these pictures on the front page of russia's leading newspaper, "the new york times". (laughter) yeah, right over here, here is prime minister vladimir putin rocking a wet suit and carrying ancient greek
artifacts he personally discovered right next to president medvedev's holding a huge gun. or it could be a pistol, medvedev is very small. either way, folks, either way it's like every one of russia's government posts is held by a different james bond. meanwhile, what is our president doing? riding on a bus. (laughter) the only way vladimir putin would be seen riding on a bus is if he trapped it in the wild and then tamed. (laughter) (applause) you know what else? you know what else? bus force one over here, isn't even american. it was made in quebec. it's a canadian hybrid. it runs on gas and beaver meat. (laughter) so while putin is insiberia bagging tigers, what did obama bag on his sav ari
through the midwest? >> how are you? (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: you got a pie, come on o bama, at least throw it at a puma. in tough times, we americans want a president who is a bad ass! if it's not you, it's going to be rick perry. because if america cannot have james bond we'll take yosemite sam. now folks speaking of our future president it is day six of what many inside this desk are calling parry with an a gate. for those of you just emerging from a coma in your time machine last week colbert superpac produced a multi100 dollar ad campaign urging iowanans' ames straw
poll to write in rick parry with an a, that is a for paaaarry. and on saturday at the straw poll when all the fried put her been eaten and all the votes had been counted, rick parry came in number one, two, three, four, five, sixth place-- (laughter) >> with 718 votes. the only write-in candidate to rank in the top ten. we may have did it. (cheers and applause) now folks, we can't be sure yet. we can't be sure yet how many of those votes were spelled with an "a" because the iowa gop refuses to release the results for public scrutiny. >> boo! >> stephen: i agree. (laughter) and we have visual proof that at least some people voted for parry with an a because an actual iowa straw
poll voter tweeted a cell phone photo of his ballot where he wrote in rick parry with an "a" yes. now i assume the other 717 parry voters did not tweet their ballot photos because their phones were deep fried and eaten. so to find out the truth that the iowa gop doesn't want you to know on monday, i unleashed abc channel 5 woi des moines's emmy-awaiting news team. (laughter) i'm talking coanchors amanda krenz and rachel pierce, john wall tert ters on sports and at the live weather map, not doppler weather that is for the jag nuts at kete channel 7 in omaha. and of course america's sweetheart cover reporter katie eastman. >> wherever dogs go, their business sure to follow. but there's no need for
trash cans when the poop is the power. >> i'm going to light this lantern. >> the lantern is powered by tanks that turn bob poop into meth ann energy. the locals say it's a spin in the right direction. >> she is the woodward and bernstein of crap-powered lanterns. so let's see what the team has dug up live via satellite to the report's local affiliate in des moines woi, the iowa caucus station. amanda, rachel, thanks for joining us. >> good evening, stephen. >> stephen: the top story tonight is, of course, parry with an a gate but first rachel, what is the latest on the st. edward elementary school closing in waterloo? >> well, as you know, stephen t was closed last week when officials saw mold spores. >> and that can be dangerous to our children who i believe are the future. >> well said. officials hope to reopen the school next week once they've removed the mold. >> stephen: great report, rachel. of course mold is a fungi so
let's check in with one real fungi, two-time iowa sportscaster of the year and the voice of the iowa state cyclones john walters. john, i know you think the people have the right to know the full results of the straw poll. >> i've always said sunlight is the best disinfectant. >> kneeor spor in. but first what is the latest news from the gridiron. >> there's good news for football fans. the part owned by the iowa gop matthew strong got a new coach. >> mike honzy. >> isn't he the former coach the chicago rush where he took them to victory in arena bowl 20. >> the very same and he hopes to bring that championship attitude to the barn stormers. >> stephen: thanks, john. turning to our top story the iowa gop's refusal to release the straw poll ballots is causing a storm of controversy. speaking of storms let's check with chief meteorologist brad edwards certified in central iowa's most accurate meteorologist for five years and counting.
brad, how is it looking for the weekend. >> i tell you what, stephen, it's stormy out there right now and i think will stay stormy through saturday. tomorrow night will be the opening night of high school school football and a warm one, 86 degrees. >> stephen: the start of high school football season, walters, i think you buried the lead there. >> my bad. now let's go back to amanda krenz with the latest on the rick parry write in scandal amanda. >> well, stephen, abc 5 contacted the head of the iowa gop matthew strong who said they are not releasing those details and do not intend to disclose any more information on saturday's straw poll results. >> stephen: but are you continuing to dig. >> we certainly are, stephen. and for more on that let's go to rachel pierce. >> well, stephen, abc 5 contacted the head of the iowa gop matthew strong a second time. he again said they are not releasing those details and do not intend to disclose any more information on saturday's straw poll results. >> stephen: anything else? >> nope.
>> stephen: anybody got anything? >> well, the barn stormers season open certificate scheduled-- . >> stephen: enough with the barn stormer, what about parry. where's intrepid reporter katie eastman. >> she's off today. >> stephen: what! rachel amanda, brad, jay walts, come on, the people of iowa, nay, the people of america deserve to know the full results of the straw poll. was it influenced by colbert superpac, a shadowy out of state group whose intentions are not clear. i certainly don't know what we're doing. follow the leads, keep digging, don't drop the ball here. >> speaking of dropping balls, the barn stormers special teams-- . >> stephen: i am this close. seriously, woi news team, i'm leaving on vacation for two weeks and i am trusting you to stay on top of this. will you promise me right now to get to the bottom of parry with an a gate. >> we promise. >> stephen: good. do not give up until you can
pass them down, whoa! you're not drinking a miller lite aluminum pint? i just brought this. it's got more taste. it's a pint. it's bigger. i do not care. shoulda figured, since you've been wheeling around that little knapsack. [ laughter ] [ male announcer ] man up with a miller lite aluminum pint. can you guys wait? [ male announcer ] it's got a wide mouth, a resealable cap, and four more ounces of that great pilsner taste. got a miller lite. cheers! my knapsack! [ laughter ]
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. thank you so much, everybody. folks, folks t is no secret that i have had a long time beef with my rival cnn wood elf anderson cooper. i cannot stand anything about him except those eyes. they are the exact benjamin moore color i painted my master bath. (laughter) but that where the admiration ends, folks because as you recall not long ago i called out mr. 360-- 360 for ripping off my on notice board with his segment the ridiculist and as punishment i added him to my absurduchart. the absurduchart is to you guarded at all times by a pla typ us in a birthday hat. i think it's obvious why. now i have to admit i have
always been intimidated by anderson cooper's legendary kpotionure under pressure. but i think we have finally found anderson's weakness. check out what happened last night while he was reporting on french actor gerard depardieu's recent meltdown when he peed in the aisle of an airplane. jim? >> so actor gerard took his little solo flight to urination, the plane had to turn around and go back to the gate and some unlicky cleaning crew had to deal with the. all i can say they should thank their lucky stars it wasn't departfew. sorry. that made me giggle every time i read it. (laughter) departtwo. i know you got it bu but-- (giggling). >> sorry.
(laughter) sorry this has actually never happened to me. >> stephen: i am shocked! i am shocked at this behavior from the award-winning journalist who stays poised while reporting during a hurricane, visiting an earthquake ravaged hellscape, fending off rioters in tahrir square, being attacked by a hypogriff and riding his surfboard through space. but we have found anderson cooper's krypton identity. celebrity poop puns. (laughter) well, anderson, if
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight was once the world's most wanted hacker. he'll never get my password it's-- (laughter) please welcome kevin mitnick. (applause) >> thanks for coming on. great to meet you. >> great to meet you too. >> you sir were once considered the world's most famous hacker. the most wanted man in computer crime. correct? >> yes. >> okay. you are a consultant now but at one time you were, let's see, you bypassed the security systems of motorola, sun microsystems and pacific bell. >> yes, i did. >> you served jail time for this. how much. >> five years. >> five years. >> and a year in solitary confinement. >> why a year in solitary confinement. you don't look like a
dangerous guy. >> i'm very dangerous. >> the prosecutor has told a judge during a bail hearing that i could pick up the telephone and connect to noraad and whistle the launch codes and launch a nuclear weapon. and because of this, the judge actually had to special order that i would have to be held in prison without access to a telephone. so the only place they could put me was in solitary confinement. so i was there about a year. >> stephen: and could you do that, because that would be bad ass. >> i have been practicing. >> stephen: you have got a book about your experience. it's called ghost in the wires. my adventure's as the world's most wanted hacker. how old you were when you started hacking. >> i was in high school. >> stephen: did you get into hacking for the girls. >> no. i should have. why did you start. >> i was fascinated with the telephone system. i started in a hobby called
phone freaking and i loved doing magic tricks and pulling pranks. i was a prankster by heart. and as the phone company became more computerized, i wanted to get access to phone company systems to pull banks. one of my favorite ones was to change the class of service of a friend's phone to a pay phone so whenever he or his parents tried to make a call it would say please deposit 25 cents. (applause) so what did you actually do that got you arrested? >> well, i hacked into a lot of systems. can you talk about it you seem hesitant to reveal the contents of your book. >> no, it's all there. but i hacked into a lot of systems. and i actually was a fugitive from the government for a number of years. >> stephen: for three years.
>> for three years and playing this cat and post game with the fbi because i must have been a little bit crazy. >> stephen: were you actually taunting them. >> not taunting them but i was watching them through the cellular phone system as i was able to work out their telephone numbers and i hacked into the cell phone system so i could keep track of where they were. so if they got close to me, i would go farther away. (laughter) >> stephen: that's a good plan. >> it's a really good plan. how did you finally get caught. >> they actually went out with radio direction finding gear and tracked my cellular phone signals to an apartment in raleigh, north carolina on valentine's day 1995. so i definitely wasn't hacking for the girls. i was alone and behind my computer. >> stephen: what do you think, if you did what you did today, i'm sure you wouldn't be put in solitary. >> cuan tan mo bay. >> stephen: you think? >> probably. now in this post 9/11 world
i think hacking is almost considered a form of terrorism. >> stephen: but couldn't we use you, aren't you-- because the chinese hack our systems, right. >> all the time. >> stephen: shouldn't we unleash you on our enemies. >> i think that is a great idea. coy be the secret weapon of the united states until after all those hackers that are breaking into rsa and-- . >> stephen: if pu were our secret weapon some other hack core call you up and whistle into his phone and activate you. >> well, i will turn off my cell phone. >> stephen: dow miss the game. >> i actually hack all the time. i. >> stephen: shh. >> how do you hack? >> you know, just the other day i hacked into a company's system and got access to everything. but the only difference was they actually gave me permission ahead of time. they actually gave me a get out of jail free card so i could hack into their system to find all their vulnerabilities so they could fix them before the real bad guys get in. >> stephen: is there a holy grail of hacking like something that the greatest
hacker would want to try to get into but no one has ever been able to do. >> i think back in my day was hacking into the national security agency. and when i was a juvenile, when i was 16, 16.5 i actually was able to get into a telephone switch in maryland and i was able to intercept an ongoing conversation from the nsa's facility in fort mead. i just popped on the conversation, i heard a man and woman talking. and i go ooh this is cool, coy really do t and disconnected and never did it again. just the to climb mount everest. >> stephen: is there any chance that you're just telling me that so you don't do harder jail time? >> possibly (laughter) >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) the book is we'll be right back.