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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 14, 2011 2:30am-3:05am PDT

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. common will be in the studio. here's your moment of zen. >> to hear these two go at it, it's almost incredible. governor romney called it a fraud in his book "no apology." i i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight, president obama has a plan to create jobs: so far, just in the job plan creating industry. (laughter) and my guest is former vice
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president al gore... unless the supreme court decides it should be someone else. (laughter) anderson cooper's daytime talk show started. either that, or he's reporting from the disaster area known as daytime t.v. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes! yes! (cheers and applause) thank you. (crowd chanting "stephen") )
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(cheers and applause) >> thank you! i want to thank you. i want to thank you for unintelligible argle bargle. thank you for joining us at the "report." we have a lot of show to get to, folks. tonight i have not one, not three but two nobel prize winners as my guest. paul krugman and vice president al gore. just watching tonight's broadcast qualifies you for a bachelor's degree. (cheers and applause) which, in turn, qualifies you for nothing. (laughter) speaking of qualified for nothing, wolf blitzer. (laughter) last night, wolf hosted a cnn tea party presidential debate where he tried to ambush ron paul by asking whether society should pay for someone in a coma who doesn't have insurance. >> that's what freedom is all
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about, taking your own risks. this whole idea that you have to prepare and take care of everybody... (cheers and applause) >> are you saying that society should just let him die? >> no... >> yes! >> yes! >> stephen: yeah! (laughter) i say we personally tell that stupid coma guy to suck it! (laughter) in morse code hand squeezes. oh, they're in there. (laughter) of course, this is stone-hearted realism and it's a proven crowd pleaser at g.o.p. debates. >> governor perry, question about texas. your state has executed 234 death row inmates, more than any other governor in modern times. have you... (applause) >> stephen: what! what! whoo! 234! he's the barry bonds of executions! (laughter) oh, god, oh, god, you know what?
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i hope perry hasn't been juicing. i would hate for those deaths to be tainted. nation, these debates are supposed to help us find the republican presidential candidate, but they have already helped us to find his running mate-- the grim reaper. (laughter) that's right, the angel of death. clearly he is popular with the g.o.p. base this year. he's got all the qualifications they're looking for: he's old and bone white. (laughter) he's packing a weapon. he's got an incredible war record. and believe me, no one wants to get rid of obamacare more than this guy. plus he is a close second to rick perry in executions. (laughter) but don't worry, mitt romney, if the grim republicer is in perry's camp, you've still got tim pawlenty for v.p.. he has proven he can bring that touch of death to any campaign. (laughter) but believe it or not, for the
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next 14 months, barack obama is still the president. like last week he rubbed in the our face by calling a joint session of congress to unveil his new $447 billion american jobs act. on friday, he held rallies to promote the bill. yesterday he was in the white house rose garden to announce that he was sending the bill to congress and tomorrow he's going to appear live from the oval office calling fedex with a tracking code to find out if anyone in congress would sign for it. (laughter and applause) but folks, i do not believe they should because last night/tell you i sat down to read this 199-page boondoggle but luckily the t.v. was on. jim? >> this time last night, president obama was unveiling his new jobs plan. more than half of that is tax cuts plus new spending on schools, roads, and bridges. >> stephen: okay, tax cuts i understand. but we don't need the government building bridges and roads!
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that was proven by reagan's secretary of transportation, bo duke. he did not use paved roads and he sure as hell did not need bridges. (cheers and applause) obama's plan is just more job-killing spending adding to our job-killing debt. obama can create some job-killings jobs, right, people whe want his job? >> the right answer for america is not to grow government or to believe that government can create jobs. >> the president believes you create jobs through the government. >> don't wait for government to create jobs for us. they're just going to mess it up. >> stephen: why would a person who can't feed his family want one of those messed-up government jobs where they pay you this this worthless government script they print themselves on paper! it is garbage! (laughter) but folks i say the nail in the
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coffin here is that liberals love this bill. even "new york times" columnist in and least interesting version of the world's most interesting man, paul krugman who has opposed nearly everything the president has done, called the bill significantly bolder and better than i expected. wrong, sir! this thing will not work and no one can tell me otherwise. here to tell me otherwise, please welcome my first nobel laureate of the evening, paul krugman. paul, good to see you again. thanks for coming. (cheers and applause) paul, i do not... i do not understand, okay. you are a nobel laureate in economics. you must know that the government cannot do anything. >> it can kill people.
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we've just seen that demonstrated. >> stephen: yes, yes! and then those people don't need jobs. check mate. (laughter) that's perry's jobs plan. how do you create jobs with government money? those are temporary jobs. >> first of all, temporary jobs are something we really kind of need, right? suppose that we... that corporations became more competent and decided to borrow some money and spend and bill new plants and equipment. >> stephen: right. >> everybody thinks that would create jobs, right? >> stephen: right. >> but if the government goes out and builds bridges and repairs schools and puts people to work in health care and then hires more school teachers, why is that any different? >> stephen: because obama will get credit. (laughter) the best possible way to create jobs, the only way to create lasting jobs is to cut taxes for businesses and to get rid of
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regulation. regulation is strangling jobs. then businesses will have confidence and they can plan for the future. >> so i have... i i have invented a character. she plays a big role in a lot of these discussions. i call her the competence fairy. if you look at what the right wingers are always saying, they're going to lay off school teachers, they're going to slash jobs, they're going to not build bridges, they're going to let the bryns we already have fall down but that's okay because the confidence fairy will come in and make the economy grow. not going to happen. and, in fact, look.... >> stephen: paul? >> yes. >> stephen: there might be children watching right now. (laughter) the confidence fairy is real, isn't it? >> u, right, yes. >> stephen: okay thank you. >> but the point is if you ask businesses prout prompting them or having a lobbyist saying this is what you want to say to... whether regulation or taxes is the problem, they basically never mention it. >> now, okay, you say that the confidence fairy doesn't exist. >> right.
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okay, so if confidence isn't a problem with our economy, is that what you're saying? >> no.... >> stephen: it's not a problem. then will you say right now... will you say right now that we are headed into another depression? >> we're already in kind of a depression. i call it... i'm calling it a lesser depression. there was the great depression of the 1930s.... >> stephen: that hurts to hear you say. >> we're already in some that is functionly like a depression. it's not as bad. it's a lesser depression. not the great depression. >> stephen: should we start creating musicals where women swim in pools and we should have blond curley haired children and aged negros. should we go back to that happier time? what are we going to do, paul krugman? what are we going to do? >> i thought that people were... ipads were basically the equivalent. you know, it's true, this is really bad. >> stephen: did you just call
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ipads an aged negro? (laughter) i am offended! i'm not going to sit here and ask... have a nobel laureate make racist statements about... please go! >> i was saying steve jobs is esther williams. >> stephen: steve jobs is esther williams? (laughter) i don't know how we're going to possibly edit this. (laughter) thank you so much paul krugman of the "new york times." we'll be right back. thank you so much. vo: this is cheryl.
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this is her four-year-old computer she doesn't think she needs to update. so to show her what she's missing, we built a pc store in her house. cheryl: oh my gosh! employee: what do you say we go shopping? cheryl: this one's very cool. cheryl: where's the tower for this? employee: everything is right here. cheryl: oh stop! cheryl: okay... alright... employee: flip that screen around. very light-weight! employee: 500gb hard drive. cheryl: i like the dvr thing...
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i like this one. vo: new pc in the house. cheryl: i'm a pc, and i'm finally up to date. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody. thank you. welcome back to our continuing coverage of tonight's show. (laughter)ç folks, there are so many great choices in the republican presidential field, who can pick? (laughter) it's like going to the kennel and wanting to bring home all the puppies before governor perry has them put down. (laughter) but i have an especially soft spot for an underdog and friend of the show ron paul. he finished a close second at the ames straw poll and he's polling nationally in the top three ahead of michele bachmann with a margin of error of plus or minus "let six people die." (laughter) and yet i'm the only pundit willing to admit to having an incurable case of ron palsy. everybody is talking about the other candidates who have wracked up some high-profile endorsements. minnesota governor tim pawlenty has thrown his baby egret like weight behind mitt romney and just yesterday rick perry secured the backing of current
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louisiana governor and former wiggle in the purple shirt bobby jindal. but what ron paul really needs, folks, is a credible national endorsement to give his campaign the kind of legitimacy his campaign has not been able to get from his campaign. (laughter) luckily, a big endorsement just came in from a passionate heartland conservative who announced his support on national geographic's "frontier force." >> read your constitution! >> okay? >> all right? the constitution is your right to! don't go... constitution! you guys... justice... why can't you guys just sit down to me that this is my constitution. what's the first amendment? what's the first snaeplt what's the first amendment? (laughter)
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you don't even know! (laughter) ha! yeah, constitution! read it and live by it. >> >> ron paul 2012! (laughter and applause) >> stephen: yes! ron paul! ron paul has locked up the coveted (bleep) faced vote. (laughter) this could be huge for him. if these guys drive to the polls on election day provided they don't first plow into a farmer's market. and this guy is an eloquent mouthpiece for libertarian ideas. >> do you know what the... >> i'm telling nobody. i don't care what you're saying. what's the legal limit of hurting somebody?
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>> yeah, the legal limit is just more nanny state regulations. this was a victimless crime. no one got hurt because legally a liver is not a person! (laughter) so congratulations, ron paul, your ship has finally come in. but i wouldn't let this guy drive it. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight has a nobel prize. big deal. all my guests do. (laughter) please welcome al gore. (cheers and applause) mr. vice president, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) what an honor to finally have you near wither underneath the glare of my scorn. (laughter) now, sir, let's get some
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politics out of the way first, may we? >> of course. >> stephen: okay. rick perry endorsed you in 1988. >> yeah. >> stephen: will you return the favor? (laughter) right now and endorse rick perry. >> well, it would hurt him a lot. (laughter) >> stephen: is that an endorsement. >> no, it's not. >> stephen: so because an endorsement would hurt him and you won't endorse him isn't that in itself an endorsement? >> um... you could put it that way. >> stephen: i just did. >> yes! he was a democrat back then. i don't know what happened. >> stephen: weren't we all. (laughter) i've got a little follow-up, rick perry question for you. rick perry said in one of the recent debates, he said of global warming, he said "back in the 17th century, only galileo said earth revolved around the sun, everybody else said the sun resolved around the earth."
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whose side are you on? galileo or global warming? (laughter) because rick perry says you can't have both. the science isn't in yet, is it? >> well, it is in and.... >> stephen: i haven't seen it. >> stephen, the earth does go around the sun. look outside. (laughter) >> stephen: but the science on global warming is not in yet. >> well, it is. every national academy of science, every major country in the world agrees and the national academy.... >> stephen: those are national academies. those are government scientists who are on the government dole, we know government can't do anything. >> every professional scientific society in every field related to the study of climate endorses it. 97% to 98% of all the climate scientists that are most active publishing in the field agree with it. >> stephen: okay, but that says there is global warming. i'll accept there is global warming. >> thank you. >> stephen: because your movie made money.
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(laughter) the market has spoken. the market has spoken. we get each other. (cheers and applause) but that's... i've got say that is very 2007 thinking. because that was a luxury to care. >> it's gotten worse since then. >> stephen: yeah, but so has everything else. you know? you're a guy who's down in my basement saying hey, you've got a broken foundation in your house and i'm telling you that my second floor's on fire. that's the economy in this metaphor. and i have to put out the economy fire before i work with your foundation global warming. (laughter) is this too technical? (laughter) >> i'm horrible at this sophistication of your metaphor. >> stephen: thank you very much. where's my nobel prize? (laughter) >> it's got so much going on it in.
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>>. >> stephen: you know what i'm talking about. our focus is on, like, everyday needs. >> well, one of the reasons is economy is in trouble is because we keep going to war in the middle east in the place where most of the oil is located and we keep borrowing money from china to buy oil from a market dominated by saudi arabia and then burn in the ways that destroy the future of the planet. all of that's got to change. we can put people to work and strengthen the economy by building solar and wind facilities, refurbishing inefficient buildings, building smart grids and fast trains and putting people work instead of continuing this addiction to very expensive dirty oil and coal. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that was very well said. sir, that was very well said but i suspect those are the first 100 words you say every morning. (laughter) while you're shaving.
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you're one of the co-founders of current t.v. and you're planning something called the climate reality project. it's a 24 hour board wide event starting in mexico city. what happens? >> 24 hours in reality which is streamed live on the internet for 24 hours in all 24 time zones, it focuses on the connection between... between the climate crisis and the extreme weather events we've been having. you can see it live on, stream, you can go to on the internet. >> stephen: and i can watch 24 hours of people testifying on how they're affected by global warming and the solutions? i can watch that for 24 hours without stopping? >> well, you can in 13 languages. >> wow. so you want to keep my computer on for 24 hours and talk about conserving energy? >> absolutely. >> stephen: that's a mixed message, sir. >> and you can burn more energy by watching it live on television on current t.v. during the final hour.
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on september 15. >> stephen: is keith olbermann part of this? he's on current t.v. >> keith is doing great. he's not on this particular program. >> i'm worried about that. he scares me. is he still yelling a lot? >> well, he scares fox news and he scares your character, absolutely, as he should:. >> stephen: my character? (laughter and applause) what the hell are you talking about, sir? >> i forgot for a moment. i'm so sorry. >> stephen: you forgot one what? you've completely lost me! >> i've been so focused on this reality project. >> stephen: as well you should! as well you should, sir. i think our job is done here. (applause) the thank you, al gore. thank you for joining us. al gore, the live online
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broadcast. we'll be right back. thank you. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the show, everybody. for "the colbert report", i'm stephen colbert.
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