tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central September 19, 2011 6:00pm-6:30pm PDT
oh, mmm, oh, oh, hold on. six legs, two hearts and a pending indictment for war crimes at the hague. mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. name three things that the tonight show panel possessions. [laughter] that's why carson was the greatest. that's going to be a hard one to explain to the aliens who visit this earth. but, of course, for me the highlight of cheney's tour began yesterday when he, along with his wife lynn, dropped in on the ladies of the view. >> mr. vice president, i want to talk about this little bulge here. [laughter]
>> jon: i'm guessing that line was especially unsettling on "the view's" radiobroadcast. >> last year ago june, i went into end-stage heart failure. in effect my heart wasn't pumping enough blood to surface my organ. [laughter] >> jon: go on. >> this is the control element that runs it. the actual pump itself is inside my chest. you need power all the time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. [beeping] >> what does that mean? >> put the battery back. [laughter] >> jon: cheney's frailty
sapping my ability to poke fun at his vile public service record. i... but why? >> he's more machine now than man. >> yes, yes. [cheering and applause] that's why. that's what is sapping my ability to poke fun at him, ghost of alec guinness, it's that the darth vader metaphor is now more true than funny. i... this is really unbelievable. it took a piece of bionic machinery to humanize dick cheney. [laughter] but we turn now to a local story, a special congressional election. it was held yesterday in new york's ninth district, a predominantly jewish and asian area of brooklyn and queens. i'm sorry. i'm being told that's footage from the movie "district nine." [laughter] i apologize.
do we have any images from the actual ninth district of brooklyn and queens? thank you. that's much better. any how -- lucky. mmm, mmm. ask your parents. any who, if you remember, the former holder of that congressional seat was democrat anthony weiner, who for some reason was unable to complete his term. what was that? >> congressman weiner, a contract, is now infamous for some revealing self-portraits sent to women online. jon jon oh, yes, the self-portraits he sent to women online. you know, that's a little grandiose to call this a self-portrait. i mean, seriously, these self-portraits show none of the monochromatic grand -- grandeur
of pi -- picasso's work or seurat's works. if you enjoy these, there's plenty more in our book, "jokes for history majors." [applause] by the way, that's... it's pronounced [bleeped]. [laughter] sorry. i just do imagine an art history major watching the show right now going, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, they're talking about us. anyway, special elections, but still it's a fait accompli. whoever the democrats ran are going to take that seat. >> this is one of the bluest districts in the nation. the number of democrats outnumber republicans three to
one, hasn't sent a republican to washington in 1923. >> 1923. 88 years. the last time that ninth district had a republican congressman, harlem congressman charlie rangel hadn't even started his 15th congressional term yet. he's been there a while. so how bad did the d's shellac the r's. >> republican bob turner on tuesday won the house seat that was vacated by democrat anthony weiner. >> jon: what! how did the democrats squander a gimme? they have a powerful machine in new york. surely david weprin must have picked up some big-name, party endorsements. >> this is ed koch. remember me? i was once your mayor. [laughter] >> jon: you were, weren't you? i remember. why are you calling me? >> you know why i'm calling you?
i want you to vote for bob turner for congress on tuesday. >> jon: holy [bleeped] ball. ed koch backed the republican candidate. did weprin get any endorsements? ♪ bob, ba, bob >> jon: that's bowser from sha-na-na. ask your parents to ask their parents. want to know how weak a candidate david weprin was? >> next tuesday morning i'm going to vote. there will probably be cameras around. i live in the district. what are you going to do? >> first of all, my mother lives in the district. i'll be happy to go with her to vote. >> jon: first of all, you don't live in the district you ran to represent, and two, you're happy to go with your mom to vote?
sure. david, why are you walking so fast? we're going to vote, not put out a fire. by the way, you'll never believe who called me the other day, ed koch. he hates you. are you still running with that greaser from the act pell la gang? so there you have it. the democrats lose a congressional seat they held for 88 years. the great depression couldn't wrest the seat from their hand, world war ii, the red scare, even the reagan revolution. the only thing powerful enough to drive a wedge between the democrats and their constituents was ♪ ba ba ba bang-a-bang-bang, anthony weiner's >> welcome back.
now, we all know that many americans are facing difficult economic times right now, but let's not forget that discrimination is not dead either. here is one tale of strength in the face of adversity. jason jones has more. >> every day mark feels like an outsider in his whole neighborhood. >> i've been told i intimidate
people by the way i look. >> he can hardly walk down the street without being reminded that he's different. >> people call me names all the time, you know, meat head. >> when people call you the m word, how does that make you feel? >> you get used to it after a while. it rolls off your shoulders. >> luckily his shoulders can take it because mark is a muscled american. a group of people routinely discriminated against almost everywhere they go. but mark recently faced intolerance in the one place he thought he was safe, his local planet fitness gym. >> i wasn't there a week, and i was told, you intimidate the other patrons an we don't like your type here. >> "your type"? >> yeah. >> excuse me? what does that mean? barrel shaped? >> i think he meant my type of heavy weightlifter. i started to realize, i don't think they like me here, but
they're not going to throw me out. well, god dammit, i was wrong. they threw me out. >> there lad to be a good reason for this national chain with nearly 500 locations to throw him out. >> he was grunting in the gym. >> and that's against the gym's policy. >> you know, you've seen it. have you ever been a gym member before? >> no. >> well, we have someone pick up weights and grown. that's what we're trying to eliminate. >> but it is a gym, right? >> yes. >> the mo-grunting policy is part of their hole listic approach to the gym. >> we want to make sure everyone can feel comfortable and not have the will u.k.s in the gym. >> what are the lungs? >> you know, meat heads, body builders, jerks. >> that's some pretty inflammatory language. >> that's how we feel act these people. they're just not welcome. >> so no judgment except you get to judge? >> that's right. >> okay. so what exactly does this non-judgmental gym judge as too
much grunting? how about this? [inhales deeply] >> no. >> i can't even breath. i can't... [siren sounds] >> that is our lunk alarm. >> what is it? >> that is our lunk alarm. it goes off any time someone drops weights or grupts. >> you're right. that's a lot less annoying than grunting. and it's not just grungtsing that's been banned. >> no do-rags allowed. no do-rags. >> you have to have a do-rag. >> i think they're gestapo tactics. >> you must no longer wear do-rags, ever. >> there's a lot of places for lunks to go. they have a lot of places. all the animals can be in one cage, and then you have planet fitness where all the people can go. >> you know who else said that?
>> hitler? >> what? no. no. i was going to say thomas jefferson. >> i know how other people feel now when they've been, you know, discriminated against. >> do you ever wish you weren't born this way? >> i wasn't born this way. i have been working out for years. that's how i got this way. >> there had to be a way he could be part of society. >> any pilates? >> no way. >> any yoga? >> look at this body. do you think i could do yoga. >> maybe not, but there was still something i could do to help mark. see, there's other forms of exercise out here. that's all well and good, but this one is definitely not for me. i'm out of here. walking. >> so for now he works out alone in a yard, moving [bleeped] back and forth, hoping for a day when he can lift weights freely again. it's so sad. >> jon: jason jones. [cheering and applause]
common, i don't know why i'm associating with you right now. i feel it's terribly dangerous for me. let's talk very quickly about the dust-up that happened to you. you were invited to a poetry reading at the white house. is that correct? >> yes. >> and you accepted it? >> i definitely did. >> jon: and that was cause for many news organization, one news organization... [laughter] to suggest that perhaps the reincarnation of che guevara had been invited to the white house. what did i feel like to be in the middle of that firestorm, to accept an invitation to a white house you had already been to a couple of times? what did the firestorm feel like? >> well, at first i thought it
was humorous. i'm like, really, they think that i'm the person that's a negative, a negative rap artist, and then i realized that they just didn't know me because if they had, they wouldn't come out and say that i rap about killing cops, and, you know, anybody that knows me knows i put out music about love. i put out music about social consciousness, community, god, having fun. >> jon: but you have to admit, the sweater you're wearing, that's a very thick collar. that's unusual. that could scare white people. >> oh, man. [laughter] >> jon: a lot of white people wear sometimes thinner collars on their sweaters. and then you come in... >> does my tie help the whole outfit? [laughter] >> jon: i feel a little more comfortable with it, but... >> politically correct, right? >> jon: but it must have been... you know, almost a frightening experience. how did you... did all of a sudden, you know, your e-mail go off when this was occurring? >> well, it was strange.
i was working on a project called "hell on wheels," and while we were filming, i was getting texts, and when i came back i seen one of my friends texted me and said, don't let it get to you. i was wondering what he was talking about. i'm like, what, did some girl say something about me? so then i started getting more texts saying, that then i realized some of my team members told me, you know, they're saying fox news and sarah palin said this and that about you, that you are this type of artist. that's when i was like really, you sure? sarah palin must have never heard any of common's music. she's never been... >> >> jon: i think when she's on the bus touring the great states of america, she may get down. we don't know. but you come out. now, this book is your memoir. it's beautifully written. you really are a wonderful writer. and you are able to get in touch with... as i was reading it, i was thinking, boy, i don't know anything about myself.
you have the ability to be very open about things with a great deal of speed. was it difficult to get to that point? >> no, i think it started with just being raised by my mother, who taught me to love myself. and she loved me so strong that i felt confident in myself enough to be around whoever i am, whoever i'm around, i can be myself. >> jon: uh-huh. >> and i'm not afraid to be open because we're all human being, man. we all have great things about us, and we all have flaws. we just are works in progress. >> jon: why did you say when you said "flaw," you looked directly at me, because i thought that was interesting. "flaws," and then you looked up, i see 'em, right there. your mother actually, and i thought this was interesting, writes, you know, almost annotates the book. she writes about some of the stories that you're writing about, giving another perspective on it, which is really interesting. >> yeah, i mean, that voice in
the book of my mother is really the voice that she is in my life. you know, as i walk through life and make some good choices, i can hear her saying, yes, good choice. and then sometimes i make some bad ones, and she's like, what are you doing, son, come on. to have her perspective actually was insightful for me, too, because some of that wisdom that i still... you still need to know and you still need to like remember, and it also reminds you of where you come from. >> there were certain points in the book, and then it gets to your discovery of what i guess i'll call "the ladies." >> the ladies. the ladies. [laughter] >> jon: that is a chant that's often used, the ladies, and it is relatively open and graphic, and i remember as i was reading it, i just kept thinking, common, your mom is on the page right before this. i think she can hear you.
did she read the whole book first and then... did you have to have conversations about that? were there things where she said, so that's where you were in tenth grade when you said you were with your cousin in >> when i was writing it, i just had to be open and not think about who would say what because my truth is my truth, and i live my life to try to do it the best i can. i knew my mother wouldn't judge me too much. certain things, you know, you don't want to do around your mother, even as an adult man, i don't get too much pda with a woman around my mother. i feel uncomfortable doing it. >> i don't like listening to the radio in front of my mother. i feel like something's going to happen in a song and i'm going to be like... >> yes, i mean, but she read it and said, wow, i didn't know some of those things happened. but overall she was happy i was able to be honest. when you write something like this, you're doing it so people can be inspired and be motivated, and because we all
are just people, you know, somebody can see some of my stories and be like, man, i went through the same thing, and i can go fulfill my dreams. >> well, it's a great story and really an interesting and well-written one, and it's really nice the meet you. i wish you all the best. >> can i say thank you, brother, for all that you've done for me. jon january >> jon: he's going to be my new manager. i love you. "one day it will all make sense." it's on the bookshelves now. >> jon: that's our show.
here it is, your moment of zen. >> lookie here. very excited. >> i love this show. it's great. >> take a look at the tan lines. >> wow. >> i've never had a tan >> stephen: tonight, president obama has a plan to create jobs: so far, just in the job plan creating industry. (laughter) and my guest is former vice president al gore... unless the supreme court decides it should be someone else. (laughter) anderson cooper's daytime talk show started. either that, or he's reporting from the disaster area known as daytime t.v. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes! yes! (cheers and applause) thank you. (crowd chanting "stephen") ) (cheers and applause) >> thank you! i want to thank you. i want to thank you for unintelligible argle bargle. thank you for joining us at the "report." we have a lot of show to get to, folks. tonight i have not one, not