tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central September 8, 2012 1:35am-2:10am PDT
>> obama! obama! >> you didn't build that. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral
fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't just catchy. it's got a great message. ♪ you don't know you're beautiful, oh, oh,.
♪ that's what makes you beautiful ♪ >> stephen: "you don't know you're beautiful. that's what makes you beautiful." first of all, great dating advice. ( laughter ) remember, girls, low self-esteem, very attractive to men. guys always go for the low-hanging fruit, okay, easy pickin 's. second, the liibs are incredibly complex, because the boys are singing, "you don't know whew beautiful. that's what headaches you beautiful" but they've just told the girl she's beautiful. so since she now knows it, she's no longer beautiful. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- stick with me. stick with me. oh, it goes deeper. okay, but she's listening to the song, too. so she knows she's not beautiful. ( laughter ) therefore, following the silliggism of the song, she's
brokaw, who had a little health scare yesterday and had to be rushed to the hospital. it was a false alarm. its to go out he accidentally took ambien right before his appearance on "morning joe." i don't know what tom thought he was taking. sh, when i go on scarborough, i do ecstasy. ( cheering ) ( applause ) i'm not a morning person. i'm really not-- i'm not a morning person. and sometimes coffee doesn't cut it. everybody who is anybody had to be there in charlotte last night for night three of the obamaathon. when the dear leader came out to finally give his big speech. i took some notes as i watched it last night, and my general reaction was-- i'm kind of parsing this together-- this is the most inspiring unimpressive speech i've ever seen. ( laughter ) the same old vision for a new america appealing to our collective dignity. why am i suddenly crying? kids, wake up.
daddy wants to hug you, snooze-fest. ( cheers and applause ). a fair amount of it is tear stained. it's hard to read, unfortunately. what disappointed me most was right off the bean, he trotted out the same wild claims that republicans have been working for years to disprove. >> i'm the president. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheering ) that is so arrogant! ( laughter ) i bet you anything you never hear mitt romney say those words. ( laughter ) folks-- ( cheering ) the rest of-- mitt romney. all right. romney fans. we are packed with romney fans tonight. ( laughter ) folks, the rest of the speech was just progressive
collectivist dogma. it was like he was saying the country belongs to all of us. i mean, just listen to these liberal pie-in-the-sky dreams. >> we believe that when a c.e.o. pays his auto workers enough to buy the cars that they build, the whole company does better. >> stephen: oh, sure. and every worker at boeing should be paid enough to afford a 747. ( laughter ) oh, oh, oh,-- and why you're at it why not pay every mcdonald's cashier enough to buy a burger. you're living in a fantasy world. ( cheers and applause ). then, as if his policy failures were not enough, folks, he started blaming other people for them. >> my fellow citizens, you were the change. you're the reason a young immigrant who grew up here and went to school here and pledged allegiance to our flag will no longer be deported from the only country she's ever called home.
( cheers and applause ). selfless soldiers won't be kicked out of the military because of who they are and who they love. you did that! you did that! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i did that? ( laughter ) ( applause ) what? i'm sorry. when-- when did i do that? ( laughter ) was i sleep-changing america again? it's so damn pills brokaw gave me! brokaw! ( cheers and applause ) now, folks, with the balloons officially dropped, conventions can be over. can kerr and rob portman will be bubble wrapped and return to deep below yucca mountain. the nominees have all been nominated. the speeches spoken. the pageantry pageantrified. so after two weeks, what have we
learned? for analysis of both conventions, we turn now to a different camera. ( laughter ) thanks, stephen. an honor to work with you. folks, we learned a lot these last two weeks. for instance, we learned that two political parties, hispanics are worth their weight in gold. ( laughter ) but most importantly, we learned that obama and romney are as different as black and white. folks, come on-- no, hey. that is not racial. i don't see race. not even my own. people tell me i'm white, and i believe them, because i like mitt romney. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, i mean, i mean, there are clear distinctions between these two campaigns that both sides drove home. >> you are entitled to the clearest possible choice. >> when you pick up that ballot to vote, you will face the
clearest choice of any time in a generation. >> stephen: yes. it's the clearest choice a generation since crystal pepsi. ( laughter ) ( applause ). ( cheering ) just like the republican platform, that tastes 20 years old. ( cheers and applause ) now, sure, now, sure, it seemed like there were some things they agreed on. >> wewent to bed that night knowing we lived in the greatest country in the history of the world. ( applause ). >> we are truly blessed to be citizens of the greatest nation on earth. >> i'm asking you to join me to walk together to a better future. >> ours is a future filled with hope. >> what america needs is jobs. >> americans lost their jobs. >> new jobs. >> new jobs. >> steve jobs. >> steve jobs.
>> god bless the united states of america. >> god bless these united states. ( laughter ). >> stephen: folks, with that much in common, it's good to know they can still despise and distrust each other. folks, it's actually what they agree on that divide us the most. you see, they agree that he created obamacare. they agree that he bailed out detroit. they agree he passed the stimulus. that's where the clear choice comes. because all the republicans are saying is our country needed help, and look what balm did. obama did. well the democrats keep saying, our country needed help, and look what obama did! ( cheers and applause ) and, folks, and, folks, that
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. thank you. folks, i have to tell you as disturbing as watching the democrats destroy our country is, it is more upsetting to see it destroyed by friends. all week the democratic convention was a never-ending train of friends of the report. to name just a few-- first lady michelle obama. san antonio mayor julian castro. new york mayor corey booker. education secretary arne duncan. singer/songwriter james taylor. even the symbol of our country, the american flag. how could you betray me like that, flagworth. i should string you up on a pole. ( laughter ) folks, all of these people were on my show and, therefore,
received the coveted colbert bump. and the success, the success of the dem convention can mean only one thing-- the bump has gone rogue. ( laughter ) i've lost control of it. now, folks, i prayed this day would never come, but evidently, even god was powerless to stop the bump. probably because he's never gotten it. come on my show, mr. god! ( cheers and applause ) now, answer my calls. never answers. now i know what you're thinking, stephen, you created the bump. surely you can take it away from these democrats. no, it's not that simple. you see, all bumps operate on the same frequency. it's just like wifi-- only you can't tuz to watch porn at starbucks. ( laughter ) to recall even one bump, you must recall them all. but i have no choice, nation.
canada? please welcome governor ed rendell. ( cheers and applause ). good to see you again. thanks for coming on. i haven't sat down with you for almost two years. thank so much for coming on. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: now you're an old-time dem pol. you know what i mean? you have that old trip o'neill gravitas about you. do you think the old dems down there have that old magic? >> i think the convention inspired people in the house and most of our base watching it and that's what president obama tried to do. i know he didn't get credit for making a big, soaring speech -- >> stephen: no, it was a nothing burger. i heard all the people who said he wasn't specific about what he might do. all he said was everything i've done i'm pretty proud of. guess what i'll do next? ( laughter ) >> look, look, it was short on details, but the most important thing he did was i think remind
us why we're democrats and -- >> stephen: why are you democrats? ( laughter ). >> because-- and i think it's a fundamental difference-- because we believe that one of the things we should do as a country is take care of each other, that government does have a role it play, and that role is giving an opportunity to people who don't have it and taking care of our most vulnerable citizens. that's what the country is about. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: don't-- don't do this. they're just being polite to you, sir. they're my audience. they're my audience. i department like the way he threw around the word "citizenship" okay. he threw around citizenship like there was some responsibility involved in citizenship. i felt like we all got jury duty just by watching him last night. citizenship means you get a piece of paper that says you were born here, and you get to wave it in the face of the people as they get booted back over the border. that's citizenship. that's how that word should be
used. >> citizenship-- citizenship as the president was talking about it and as w we believe, citizenship means you take care of other americans. citizenship means you sacrifice for your country. nobody sacrifices anymore. >> stephen: but he's flipping the script on the republicans here. this is what he's doing. for four years they've been saying, "i don't think he's really a citizen." and he's saying, "another not only am i a citizen," he's saying, "this is what citizenship means." do you do that? no? maybe you're not the citizens. i don't like that. now, okay-- ( cheers and applause ) let's talk about something i do like. i like tough talk, okay. you've got a new book here called "a nation of wusses." "how america's leaders lost the guts to make us great." okay, you're shooting right from the hip on this one. what do you mean by "nation of wusses, sir?" >> or leaders are more wusses than our people and one of the
reasons they're wusses is they're afraid of the people. they won't tell the people the truth. i'll give an example about our guys. medicare was passed in 1965. the life expectancy, average was 69 years of age. today the life expectancy is 85 years of age. the program was never meant to cover 20 years of life. soc obviously, there have to be changes. >> stephen: we have to make people die earlier. i've been saying that for years! >> a very adept solution. >> stephen: thank you very much. hey, i solve a lot of problems. >> but we're afraid to tell our base. and the republicans are afraid to stand up to this little guy who nobody voted for and who is really the modern day wizard of oz, grover norquist. >> stephen: grover's a friend. grover a a friend now, okay. >> well, the from the prt is my friend and you trashed him. >him. >> stephen: i will-- i will--
i will tell you, the president may have nuclear weapons. grover norquist has a pledge. and evidently, that's scarier to the republicans than anything else. >> absolutely. because they won't break the pledge. and they've got to be able to tell grover and everyone else, we're not going to get out of this hole without raising some revenue. and that's a fact. and grover can't say it. this country needs real action and the time has come for us to stand up and take the hit. and my favorite chapter in the book-- and i wrote every word of this book myself-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: okay. >> and i titled all my chapters is "stand and defend. there are some things worth losing for." if you run for office and you don't believe there's something important enough that you're going to risk your job for, then don't run in the first place. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: what do you think president obama-- that is excellent advice. that is excellent advice. what do you think president obama should lose this election over? ( laughter ) >> well, if he loses, if he
loses, maybe he'll lose on obamacare, but if he loses he'll go out the door knowing he gave 31 million americans who never had it before health care. that's what-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much. governor ed rendell. "a nation of wusses." don't be one. we'll be right back. thank you.
[booing] >> eh... hello, minneapolis. [cheers and applause] before we continue, i just want to take a moment to warn those of you in the crowd this evening that have really never seen my comedy. 'cause this could be a long night for you. [laughter] i-- [cheers and applause] i know-- i know that you're out there. you sneak in. you've had, uh, friends of yours who said, "hey, come along. this'll really be a lot of fun."
you just may need to find new friends. then of course there's those of you who've seen me on youtube, and on any--comedy central-- any of the things that are out there that you can catch me on, and you think from those bits and pieces, you know my comedy, and you don't! finally of course there are those of you who read the paper, saw somewhere that a comedian was coming to the state theatre, and wouldn't that be a fun night out? you're fucked. [cheers and applause] i was recently performing in wendover, nevada. i can tell by your stunned silence, you don't even know what i'm talking about.