tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central September 13, 2012 7:10pm-7:45pm PDT
>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. we'll see you in >> four years ago, he made us hope again. >> yes, we can! >> now he wants to make us hope again. again. from charlotte, north carolina, this is the democratic national convention, hope and change 2. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
>> jon: hi, everybody. welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. it is our final night. it is a friday night in charlotte, the end of the presidential convention season. the democrats spent the first two nights of their convention highlighting their very distinct vision of america, where citizens of all races and creed work together to defraud real americans will of their hard-earned-- ( laughter ) sorry about that. uh, help each other succeed together. but after laying out their vision a renewed american spirit, there was one other thing that they wanted to remind people of. >> he promised to bring osama bin laden to justice. done. >> jon: bin laden, dead. niedermayer. dead. yes, the democrats accentuated the non-livingness of bin laden
in film. in words, and i guess once they got bored of that, in slogan. >> bin laden sure isn't it heavin. >> ask osama bin laden if he is better off now than he was four years ago. >> osama bin laden is dead, and general motors is alive. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: i ask you tonight, my fellow americans, what is black and white and killed osama bin laden? ( laughter ) ( applause ) president obama. request ( cheers and applause ) but before the man-- before the man who, from what i understand, had a role in the demise of terrorist mastermind osama bin laden-- >> done! ( laughter ). >> jon: got it. before the president would speak, we were treated to more democratic all-stars, the daughter of the president.
a didn't become president. and the winner of the prestigious 2012 gesticulators invitational, former michigan governor, jennifer granholm. >> we need to ref up our engines in your car and on your ballots. the "d." is for drive forward. the "r." is for reverse. in this election, we are driving forward, not back. let's re-elect our great president, barack obama! >> jon: holy ( bleep )! i can't believe it. in my estimation, that woman shouldn't be driving at all! ( laughter ) ( applause ) she appears to be a drunk flight attendant. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know, there's someone i met last week in tampa i would love
to set the governor up with for a lost weekend of political infighting and hate ( bleep ). >> president obama's never run a company. he hasn't even run a garage sale or seen the inside of a lemonade stand. >> jon: that would be a hell of a conversation. "why won't you extend the bub tax cuts?" "why do you want a voucher system isystem?" ( bleep ) friday night. and then,, vice president joe biden gave a powerful speech, emphasizing his blue collar roots, his strong family ties and of course his physical proximity to the president. >> day after day, night after night ti sat beside him as he made one gutsy decision after the other. i walked 30 paces down the hall into the oval office, and i see
him. i watch him in action. i got to see firsthand what drove this man. folks, i've watched him. i watch it up close. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: folks, i'm going to tell you something, sometimes when president is overseas, i go into his closet and i put on his jacket. i take a breath of that jacket, just a deep... the heady mex of cigarettes, intellect, and unchecked drone firepower. it is-- ( laughter ) but of course the many attraction, the man himself. ladies and gentlemen-- no, not that one. no. you know who i'm talking about! there he is, the potus with the mostest barack "we don't usually
use his middle name" obama, the world watched with bated breath. >> i accept your nomination for president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, my god, thank god, i was so sure he was going to break up with us. oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god! he still thinks we can make this work. so america sat down, leaned forward and waited to see if he would deliver that old obama magic. >> we believe that when a c.e.o. pays his auto workers enough to buy the cars that they built, the whole company does better. we believe that when a family can no longer be tricked into signing a mortgage they can't afford, that family's protected, but so is the value of other people's homes. we believe the little girl who is offered an escape from poverty by a great teacher on a grant for college could become next steve jobs. >> jon: ♪ we believe we can fly ♪ he had it again. but every moment of soaring
rhetoric was tempered with a more sober reality. >> i won't pretend the path i am offering is quick or easy. i never have. >> jon: ♪ we believe we can fly. . but obviously flying carries with it some inherent risk. in 2008, candidate obama painted a beautiful and vivid picture that no artist could have brought to life. much in the way when you go to a golden coral, the beautiful chocolate fountain. ( laughter ) of television fame is really just an open sewer pipe of subpar fudge. ( laughter ) but you want to believe. this was the challenge 2012 obama faced. >> ours is a fight to restore the values that built the largest middle class and the strongest economy the world has ever known. ( applause ) >> jon: ♪ i believe i can touch the sky.
>> the truth is, it will take more than a few years for us to solve challenges that have built up in decades. >> jon: did i say sky? i meant the shelf where i keep the juice boxes. ( cheers and applause ). yes, the challenge for the president was to replace the audacity of hope with the more reasonable calibration of expectation. and then, ultimately, lest we still believe too fervently in the power of one man. >> so, you see, the election four years ago wasn't about me. it was about you. ( applause ) my fellow citizens, you were the change. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheering ) >> jon: this is like an
m knight shamaddan movie. i bet if we go back and watch the election again, we'll pick up all the clues. >> you're the relationship there's a little girl with a heart disorder in phoenix who will get the surgery she needs because an insurance company can't limit her coverage. you did that. >> jon: you're welcome? ( laughter ) >> you're the reason a young man in colorado who never thought he'd be able to afford his dream of earning a medical degree is about to get that chance. you made that possible. >> jon: i'm awesome. . laugh ( applause ) wait a minute. i know this drift. you did the good thing. you did the good thing. now you're about to throw us under the bus for all the ( bleep ) stuff that hasn't been done. how about those unemployment numbers? you did that! i'm looking at you, audience! doesn't feel so good when you get blamed for everything, does it! ( laughter )
mr. president, what do you want us to do? >> we, the people, recognize that we have responsibilities as well as rights. that america is not about what can be done for us. it's about what can be done by us together. through the hard and fruadministrating, but necessary work of self-government. >> jon: hard, necessary, frustrating, responsibilities. but you know what? maybe it was time for us to be brought down to earth a little bit anyway. and maybe the only person who could have done it was the one who put all that air under our feet in the first place. ( laughter ) we'll be r [ train whistle blows ]
>> jon: welcome back! it has been an exciting but taxing two weeks on the road for the best ( bleep ) team on television. we're going to go out to them now for their final impressions of the d.n.c. and charlotte. jon oliver, i'll start with you. >> hi, jon. jon, i will never forget charlotte, the myrtle trees damp after a morning show. the air full of lavendar and magnolia. the southern people are bigger hearted and kinder than i had a right to expect and i cannot wait to get on a plane and get the ( bleep ) out of here. out.
out. >> jon: why? why? >> i'm a new yorker now. i've been here almost a whole week, and i've almost forgotten how asphalt marinated in other people's urine smells. i miss it. i want to go home. >> jon: i miss it as well. jessica williams, you were here covering your very first convention. what will you miss most? >> the people, you know? ( cheers and applause ) i get to come to work every day amidst so many intelligent, well-informed and scandalously well-dressed black men, especially the one with the big plane. he's cute. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: you-- ( laughter ) you mean-- ( laughter ) you mean-- you mean the president. >> jon, i don't know. do i look like tom brokaw? here's what i won't miss-- you half theling me when i'm trying to have fun. >> jon: all right, go have fun.
i'm sorry about that. my apologies. aasif mandri, aasif mandri, what will you miss, assif. >> jon, i'm going to miss what i call the charlotte magic. >> jon: the charlotte magic. what is the charlotte magic? >> so many fit, beautiful, seemingly healthy people eat the world's most appalling diet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this-- this morning, jon, for breakfast, i had a pulled pork egg and tobacco pure ito. or as it's known here, the number three on the healthy choice menu. these people should be dead, jon. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: thank you, assif, that's very much appreciated. take care of yourself. we're going to go on finally, al madrigal. >> i will miss nothing, jon, because my duplicate is staying here in charlotte.
you have a duplicate. i went off and ran a perfect facsimile of myself. jon, meet pal madrigal. come here, pal. don't be shy. he's a nice man. >> jon: forgive me, al, are you sure that's an exact copy? >> all right, well, they may have been low on torn, all right. >> jon: does-- does pal talk? >> not in the traditional sense. ( laughter ) but he's very strong and quick tip-- don't let pal cuddle any small animals. >> jon: all right, we won't. thank you very much, jon oliver, jessica
dogged viewers at home might be going, "come on! you know what we want!"." don't worry, while we were here we watched fox news, too couldn't help but notice certain discrepancies on their take on this convention and one last week. fox was chastising the media from letting silly social issues distract them from jobs and the economy. >> i know the media wants to talk about abortion, the phony war on women. >> the media will try to make it about abortion, about akin. >> the republican party is focused, economy, economy, economy. no decide issue. no abortion. >> mitt romney doesn't write the platform. and he actually doesn't have to abide by the platform. >> that's what he said today. >> jon: yeah, i mean the platform is just a segment of the party's core principles and obeliefs. i mean, whatever. mitt romney can wipe his ass with it for all we care.
i wonder how they felt about the party platform this week. >> zero times, that's how many times the damage platform mentioned god. >> it was down from seven mentions in 2004, one mention in 2008. >> how can there be an entire section on faith when you don't mention fox? >> thank god fox news is on it, pushing the buttons, saying where is god in the platform. >> jon: yeah, yeah, thank god. fox is truly doing god's work. god's busy work. the kind of work he doesn't need done because he's god. now you took it upon yourself anyway, like the house sitter, that rearranges all your ( bleep ) without tell you. ( laughter ) which brings to us our new segment, "last week, this week." this week, some members of the hollywood elite showed up to endorse president obama. fox news no likey. >> do the american people want to listen more to hollywood celebrities than who they endorse? sometimes they can't get into
the details of policies. or do you want to listen to people who have actually lived it? >> jon: yeah, exactly. by the way, how did you feel about hollywood select last week at the rnc? >> i loved clint from beginning to end. >> many thought he was fantastic didn't sound like a politician. >> he was so clint eastwood. >> that's what i love about him. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: yup, spoken bike a woman who spends most of her mornings sitting next to two empty chairs. i tried to gauge the level of fox news' amnesia-- look, we already know fox completely forgot the bush presidency ever happened but that was, like, four years ago. now i realize they can't remember what happened a week ago. like eric bolling, who heard touching personal stories at both conventions. >> the story about mitt's father leaving a rose on his wife's stand every single day. >> wasn't that sweet?
>> and that's how she found out he was dead because one day the rose wasn't there. >> she kept talking about what a tough time she and barack had growing up. they come from very, very nice schooling backgrounds, high school, into harvard law school, both of them. they were talking about how he had to-- his castro rusted out on the bottom. come on, bob. you can't say he comes from the lower middle-- lower than middle class. >class. >> jon: look i know you don't care about the obamas but could you at least give a ( bleep ) about the car? ( laughter ) apparently between the weekend of tamp and charlotte, eric eric bolling's heart shrank three sizes. ( laughter ) much like brit hume's cranium. last week hume couldn't get enough details and policy figures. >> a wonderful example of what could be called the ryan effect, details of the tax plan, details about medicare, details of all these issues point by point rebuttals to obama attacks. you sense his knowledge. this is what paul ryan has brought to this race. >> jon: yeah, how 'd you like policy details after
clinton's speech? >> it was worchgy. he got off into policy details at great length. if you are trying to follow along you get a little bit lost in all the details and it seems to me all the arguments are going to fall away because people simply can't remember them. ( applause ). >> jon: brit, you'd be amazed, you'd be amazed-- you'd be amazed at what people can remember. ( laughter ) like a week ago, you loved policy details. ( laughter ) even fox's head news guys thinks we're all gold fish. here's what he said last night after the president's speech. >> we heard a lot of goals tonight, but no specific plans, no specific plans about how he would grow the economy. no specific plans about how he would put 23 million americans back to work. no specific plans about how he would deal with the entitlements glo cogent analysis immediately following obama's speech. last week, after romney's speech? >> you know, guys, i was going through a long checklist of what i like about the speech and
didn't like but it's silly. tonight people are only looking at the extraordinary pictures of these beautiful families and-- you know, i don't think anything that you can say is going to match any of this. so i'm just going to shut up and watch ( laughter ). >> jon: you know what? that's a good idea. i think fox news just found a great new slogan "shut up and watch." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that is the conventions. i want to thank the staff, the crew, and the correspondents on the "daily show." they have taken this show on their backs and brought it down into tampa and north carolina, and technically, and otherwise, i think done a flawless and amazing job. and i'd love a round of applause for the people working on the show. ( cheers and applause ). who made it possible for us to do our jobs. i want to thank the imagine on theater for hosting us all week.
( cheers and applause ). it's been quite an experience. i have to say. any time we get out of our cloistered little hole in new york city and visit the dark heart intersecting media and politics in publish, i can assure you, there is not enough purele in the world. ( laughter ) the silk wood shower, that's ( bleep ). but that being said, the warmth and enthusiasm of the audiences that came in here every night to see the show live and to give us the kind of energy that we needed-- ( cheers and applause ) very, very much appreciated. we've enjoyed it. i hope you've enjoyed the programs as well. we'll see you back in new york. here it is, your moment of zen. >> sarah palin said she could see russia from alaska. mitt, mitt romney talks like
he's only seen captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] man: dave chappelle! [cheering and applause...] whoa! what's up? what's up, at the top? man. [applause subsides...] you know, uh... you know what's funny, man. there's two things that start happening to me a lot now