tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central February 15, 2013 6:55pm-7:25pm PST
the big game is coming up this weekend and as you know i have a history of making dead-on, balls-accurate predictions. case in point. i'd like to point out that the kid didn't fumble the ball. that's ball security, adrian peterson. oh my goodness. that was a week before the championship game. then what happened? huh huh, huh huh. [laughter] spooky, right? is there a tosh.0 curse? beats me, but if i were you shockey, i'd put a little extra tape on this weekend . [laughter] my prediction for the super bowl okay. i predict eli will be shown no less than three times in the manning family skybox making his permanent dumb face. [laughter] be sure to tune in next week when we give the average homeboy a web redemption. make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. check out my tour schedule and keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral.com/tosh.o. now we've come to the part of the show that i have been dreading.
last week i made a huge mistake. i got caught up in the moment and i encouraged you guys to go to our wikipedia page and write anything you wanted. [laughter] i had not idea the direction you would take it. i feel terrible about it and the great people over at wikipedia were forced to lock our page due to the vulgar rampant vandalism. [laughter] now i'm going to read some of your rude remarks, but i'm not rewarding you for your bad behavior. [laughter] someone wrote "tosh.0 is pronounced smegma." [laughter] okay, that's not even close to how you say it. would you do that to the encyclopedia britannica? i don't think so. someone wrote that i'm "currently being tested for hep c." [laughter] that seems personal. [laughter] and i certainly wasn't, "born in the year boner." although i don't really know the chinese calendar. [laughter] they said, "the running time of
tosh.0 was 21 minutes, approximately 2 minutes of actual comedy." [laughter] that's actually a real entry. [laughter] this is where someone went too far. they wrote, "daniel often pinches a loaf in his hand and tosses it to a random audience member. titties!" [laughter] anyway, these have been deleted from wikipedia, but we did manage to capture a few screen grabs, so go to our blog to read all the insanity that you guys posted. and once again, we're very sorry, wikipedia. would you please unlock our pages? [laughter] see you next week. goodnight! [applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
[eagle caw] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us! [cheers and applause] folks, i have to tell you, these folks -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] folks, when you do that, you make me want to shake. [cheers and applause] nation, before we begin, i want to wish everyone a happy
valentine's day. [cheers and applause] i hope you're spending it with someone you love. and if you're watching my show, you are. [laughter] of course, when it comes to holidays, i'm an originalist. on christmas, it's not santa claus, it's sinterklaas. you leave out your shoes for him to fill with nuts and dried fruit, or, if you've been naughty, you're kidnapped by his moorish elfin sidekick black peter. [laughter] ho, ho, ho. [laughter] and i have the same rigorous standards for saint valentine's day. i focus on what the day's really about: not the chocolates, or the beautiful flowers, or the fancy jewelry-- although i love getting all of that. [laughter] no, the true meaning of valentine's day is all about the l-word: lupercalia!--the mid-february
roman fertility feast that st.valentine's day is based on. [laughter] as i'm sure you know, lupercalia is named for lupa, the she-wolf who suckled rome's twin founders romulus and remus. [laughter] folks, i say that's what's wrong with kids today: not enough wolf-teat. [cheers and applause] [laughter] so to the guys watching the show, a little hint, after the show tonight, i want you to celebrate a traditional valentine's day -- by guzzling a couple of skins full of wine, sacrificing a goat to venus, wearing its skin, and racing through your town, whipping any women you pass with a short leather thong to promote fertility. [laughter] you know, romance! [laughter] [cheers and applause]
two weeks ago, senators chuck grassley and sherrod brown accused the banks of not only being too big to fail but also, "too big to jail." [laughter] maybe so. but haven't they been punished enough with stinging wordplay like that? [laughter] and folks, i want you to know this is a personal issue for me because i have a lot of friends on wall street. we're super-tight. they call me up and give me stock tips, and i pay them. [laughter] well, i've got some bad news for my bro-- kers [laughter] the government has finally grown a pair. >> the federal government and 16 states declared a kind of legal war on s&p, the huge ratings agency. >> the justice department accuses s&p of a scheme to defraud investors.
>> the feds have filed a $5 billion lawsuit against the rating agency standard and poor's, claiming that it committed fraud when it gave high ratings to risky mortgages. >> stephen: the government claims standard and poor's committed fraud by giving triple-a ratings to what it knew were worthless securities. folks, that's (bleep)! [laughter] (bleep), by the way, also gets a triple-a rating from standard and poor's. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, today they come for the ratings agencies, tomorrow they come for the banks, and that's the last thing our economy needs. a gallup poll found that consumer confidence in banks is already at an all-time low. that includes the 1930's, when bankers lowered confidence by occasionally landing on consumers. [laughter] and i believe that an
investigation will just make things worse. i don't think the banks are in any financial position to reveal what financial position they're in. [laughter] take wells fargo. their recent annual report said that the bank's value is partly based on, quote, "significant assumptions not observable in the market." [laughter] that means the value of the largest capitalized bank in the united states defies observation. [laughter] the human mind cannot perceive it. we dare not look upon it. [laughter] remember what happened to the accountants who opened lehman brothers' books. [laughter] point is, i believe when it comes to our economy, there are things we just shouldn't know. here to know them at me is financial writer and washington bureau chief of the "new york times," david leonhardt. dave, good to see you again. how are you? [cheers and applause]
you are the author of new e-book "here is the deal" available on electronic everywhere. dave, why are they going after s&p? do they have the goods on the agencies in. >> they may have the goods. the huge housing bubble and the banks were packaging together the mortgages. >> caused by poor people being greedy go. head. >> and s&p comes in and said they are aaa rated they cannot go bad and they are perfectly safe. they did go bad. the government has e-mails with standard & poor's telling how they rate the thicks. they look bad. is it criminal? their defense is they are no different from journalists. >> why not put financial writers like you in jail for telling us things are bad which undermines consumer confidence? [laughter] >> so back then there were a lot of journalists out there who tried to argue that housing was in a bubble and standard &
poor's was one. >> stephen: were you one of them? >> i was. >> stephen: whoopdido. >> they said prices can never go down. >> stephen: if we go after the ratings agency, isn't the next thing to go after the bank? >> they are going after some banks. >> stephen: and how? >> there have been private suits going after banks. the government has not exactly put a lot of bankers in jail. >> stephen: any. >> maybe not any actually. >> stephen: okay. that's a fairly low number. >> it's a low number. hard to go much lower. >> stephen: yeah, okay. now -- [cheers and applause] thicks are different now though than in 20072008, right? >> they are a little bit different. >> stephen: back then it was too big to fail. are they the same size? >> banks are probably always going be too big to too fail. that is the miserable thing
about this. a md yearn economy needs banks and probably needs big banks. >> stephen: if they are too big to fail and evidently too big to jail, do any laws apply to banks? >> they are supposed to amy to banks whether or not they actual lay ply is say good question. >> stephen: it is. thank you. [laughter] >> one of criticisms is this notion that we allow them to make the profit and we the taxpayers take the loss. >> stephen: you say banks should have to pay for insurance ahead of time. >> it's one of ideas out there. >> stephen: what about aig. they were that. >> that didn't go so well. >> we had to bail them out to the tune of 160 billion to 180 billion. >> the actual ensurers are going along with the bank and s&p and everything is going great, don't worry here. that's your set aside this money in advance. you say you know what, even if everyone is tilling us everything is going great. there's no way the market can
evil-- just because after they photograph kittens for your checks, they bundle them into burlap derivitives and invest them in a river. [laughter] [cheers and applause] well tonight, the bank-bashers can stand down. because at least one prominent banker has finally been brought to justice. this is nailed 'em. ♪ dhawz. [cheers and applause] five years after the global financial crisis americans are still angry at big banks. >> no wall street executives have gone to jail. >> no one has been held accountable. >> no criminal charges, no individual fines which was incredible. >> but now one bank wells fargo has finally nailed the highest level white collar mortgage banker to date. >> my name is richard achieves.
i'm 68 years old. >> stephen: this is the face of corporate greed. >> wells fargo mortgage center in west des moines, iowa. >> stephen: the financial nerve center at the greater december moines metro -- des moines metro plex they brought the hammer down on him. >> there's no place in banking. banking is about public trust. >> stephen: the former head of fdic sheila bear spoke with us from deep within the bank vault. >> if you do something illegal you should suffer the consequences for it. >> stephen: make no mistake his crimes go way back. >> i was 18 years old in 1963. on this particular evening i was spending time with a high school
friend and today take his clothes through the laundro-mat. i cut out two dime-sized pieces of paper. i would trying to see if the cardboard dime would operate the machine. >> stephen: he made a fake dime. that is called money fraud. he was arrested for this money laundering. for the next 50 years he ran from his past. [ laughter ] until wells fargo crack team of investigators uncovered the truth and did the right thing. [ laughter ] i was taken to a conference room. there were two individuals from human resources there plus my supervisor and they simply let me know that due to this criminal activity in my past i was no longer qualified to work for wells fargo. >> stephen: nailed 'em! with this action wells fargo is
sending a strong message toll all corporate criminals. say good bye to your limo, your private jet, your luxury yacht or in his case his suburban estate and designer suspenders. harsh, yes but that's the price of malfeasance in international high finance. >> i was not involved in high finance. i was involved in handling routine small problems that customers may have with their mortgages. >> stephen: close enough. reached for comment wells fargo took a refreshing stand for integrity. >> once we know someone has a criminal record we can no longer employ them. >> stephen: yes, because though confidence can be restored to the global financial institutions, a mortgage call center employee from west des moines must be held accountable, right vault lady. >> i said a crime is say crime
welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the former mayor of san francisco who started the wave of legalizing gay marriage. that must have been a tough sell in san francisco. please welcome gavin newsom. mayor, good to see you. >> good to be here. >> stephen: we have never met before tonight but i feel like we're friends. >> yes. >> stephen: because you were one of original members of colbert superpac. >> i was trying to influence you, stephen. >> stephen: $15. >> i think it was $50 a big spender. >> stephen: being on my show is cheap at twice the price. [laughter] you are the 49th lieutenant
governor of the great state of california. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: you are following two terms as the mayor of san francisco. you have a new book here called "zenville" how to take the town square digital -- what do you mean by digital? do i have to log on to the government? i want to peoplerrize a new password. >> we have a broadcast model of governing that i vote and i decide. you understand this intermently. you have seen the contours with the immediate why and music industry. big is getting small and small is getting big. technology has the ability to level the playing feel. >> stephen: what the (bleep) does any of that mean? big is getting big and small is getting big? what are you talking about? is there a sil von -- sl a (bleep) translator in there? what are you talking about? [laughter] >> it's about the nature of the
world we're living in. hire ashy is being challenged. >> stephen: i don't like i hierarchy is there for a reason. i'm a member of it. >> yes. >> stephen: you are lieutenant governor almost at the top of heap for your state. >> i want to democratize voices, real citizen engagement, two way conversations. i want citizens to be redefined. i don't want people to do things to me, i want people to do things with america it's about building partnerships and community. >> stephen: what do you mean capacity? every single one of these things could be carved on a stone and put in a guard as a mantra but i don't know what they mean. >> i'm talking about community. >> stephen: bandwith so all of us can hyper link our engagements to democracy. i can make this (bleep) up, too. [ laughter ] >> i'm not making it up.
i'm not making it up. [cheers and applause] you have a whole generation of folks growing up as digital natives. folks that understand a different language. you andry digital immigrants we're learning the language. >> stephen: digital immigrants what do you mean? >> we're learning the language of technology. >> stephen: when i was a kid i had pong. >> it's even worse for you. much worse for you. [laughter] >> stephen: that's all right. he will get his. >> i got it. the whole point is you can't educate our children like we were educated. this whole idea that we continue to govern as we're governing is no longer relevant to the world we're living in. people are using the tools of of technology to solve problems peer to peer. to engage directly. donors choose. >> stephen: i love donorschoose. i'm on the board. >> good example.
people are solving the problems not for democrat. >> stephen: why are you a democrat if you don't want the government to fix things. you are the big government people. [ laughter ] >> i want government to solve the big problems but be less prescriptive on the how. it's about amplifying voices, getting more people to participate in the life of their city. >> stephen: if that is so important and effective why are you at the top of government why not resign and become one of groundlings you say it's going to change the world. >> it's not about those in office. >> stephen: right, it's not about you. you got it. >> stephen: why do i have you on the show then? >> i'm a conduit opening up government being less prescriptive. >> stephen: let's talk about california. i don't trust the state completely because you have a bear on your flag. [laughter] california was a golden land of opportunity. >> yes, it did. >> stephen: now it's a degreing dust bowl of debt where education isn't free anymore and
people are fleeing. it's got a smaller population than wyoming at this point. what happened to california. >> we just submitted a balanced budget for the first time in ten years. >> stephen: by jacking the taxes on guys like me. >> which show surpluses over the next four years if we continue to be fiscally prudent. california is finally turning the corner. don't give up with a state well more venture caple and patents than any other state in our nation. it's a remarkable place. $1.9 trillion a year economy. the nation's largest. it's an essential part of the future and fate of this country. i'm a big believer in california's values and the people that make up the great state and i do not subscribe to this notion that the best days of california are behind us. >> stephen: can i say something? >> yes,