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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 25, 2013 10:45am-11:15am PDT

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i'm going to sedate him now. no. no drugs! drugs are good, m'kay? don't -- don't let them g-go... planetarium! oh, why, van gelder? the machine. the machine is -- aah! the machine is aah? uh, that's probably bad. he's been talking about the machine for hours. that and daisy fuentes. why?! why "america's funniest home videos"?! why?! there's only one way to get any sense out of him. we're gonna have to try a mind meld, m'kay? a what? well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. i don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope. well, what will you need? just time to prepare, nurse. just time. m'kay? well, children, i'm so glad you came back to learn more. they just begged to come back. i couldn't get them to shut up about it. well, i'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. won't we, children? yes. yes. yes. mrph. [ robotically ] this way, please. [ robotically ] enjoy your visit.
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dr. adams: billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. here you see polaris, the dog star. i'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee. certainly, mr. garrison. [ hinge squeaks ] [ clicks, hums ] you love the planetarium. to be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain. all you want to do is help the planetarium thrive. to not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stabs -- and right over here we see the constellation orion. orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which... dude, what just happened? what do you mean? come on. we got to get out of here before something bad happens. don't pick your nose, hon. i wasn't pickin' it! i had an itch, for cryin' out loud! don't be nervous. i'm sure you'll win. i don't know. there's a lot of competition. do you think i might win, mommy? i hope so, honey. then perhaps we can eat for a little while. hey, look! they're giving away bread outside!
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[ gasps ] did you hear that, mommy? come on! perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs! [ grunts ] psych! what the hell are you boys doing? you're supposed to be in there. mr. garrison, we thinkthe plane- shh. goodbye, children. thanks for coming. i want to go again. i want to go again! oh, for pete's sake, clyde. you just went! well, clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here. yes. yes. please! me too! me too! i want to do it! i'd love working here. yeah. me too. planetarium's gay. mr. garrison? i guess i could give them extra credit for it. excellent. why don't we step over here, and i'll show all you children how to volunteer? whoo-hoo! yay! dude, this isn't right. what? we don't volunteer for anything. oh, yeah. come on. we got to see what's going on. here's the control panel that operates all the stars. kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see. mrph rmhmhm rm. mrph rmhmhm rm rmhmhm rm. he hits this switch. [ clicks, hums ]
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mrph rmhmhm. you see? nothing, dude. just a bunch of stars. yeah. i guess so. [ clicks, humming intensifies ] mrph rmhmhm! what does that do? i don't know. [ humming intensifies ] kenny, what's it doing? mrph rmhmhm rm! this says "maximum." mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! oh, my god! we've killed kenny! we're bastards! [ clicks, humming stops ] dude, i told you something was up with this place. we've got to go tell somebody -- quick! [ hands clapping ] ♪ g-o! ♪ g-o, and bingo was his name-o ♪ ♪ was a farmer had a dog, and bingo was his name-o ♪ ♪ o! ♪ o! ♪ o, and bingo was his name-o ♪ was a farmer had a dog, and bingo was his name-o ♪ ♪ ing! ♪ ing, and bingo was his name-o! ♪ thank you, uh, peter. we'll let you know very soon. next will be, uh, eric theodore cartman.
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hello, everybody. now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon. i know, i know. [ clears throat ] ♪ she works hard for the money ♪ so hard for it, honey ♪ she works hard for the money ♪ so you better treat her right ♪ ♪ she works hard for the money ♪ so hard for it, hon-uh! ♪ she works hard for the money ♪ so you better treat her ri-uh! ♪ well, eric cartman, that certainly was...insane. thank you. we'll let you know. thank you. don't pick your nose, hon. i'm not pickin' it, ma! damn it! i have an itch! geez. where do we find these people? our minds are one, m'kay? our thoughts are one, m'kay? this is the strangest thing i've ever seen. please, nurse. for a woman with a dead fetus on your head,
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you're not being very open-minded. open your mind to your counselor. open your mind. [ weakly ] dr. adams. yes. he owns the planetarium. what about him? both: he uses the machine. the star machine. m'kay. he uses it to erase minds. but why? planetarium... about to go out of business. adams had to create slaves to survive. my god. this is amazing. please, nurse. you're throwing off my chi, m'kay?
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well, we certainly want to congratulate all our finalists. only one of our finalists can win the grand prize. and unfortunately, that finalist is eric cartman. yes! i'm the best! you were actually our last choice. but the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium. [ deep voice ]that's odd. sweet. it appears that more and more south park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. here with a special report is a 34-year-old asian man who looks strikingly similar to ricardo montalban. thanks, tom! yes, indeed. the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as once suspected. i'm here with the planetarium operator, dr. adams. thank you. i'd like to open an invitation to all south park residents to come see a special free show this evening. i guarantee it will change the way you think about the plane'arium. so bring the whole family to the planetarium
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for a night of excitement and wonder. then we turned the dial, and kenny went into a hypnosis. that's a pretty farfetched story, boys. but it's true, dude! are you boys sure you're not just making this all up? yeah. pretty sure. well, just as soon as i handle all the other crime in south park, i'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so i can prove that nothing's wrong! what other crime in south park? oh, yeah. let's go. okay. let's shoot the commercial. where's our cheesy poof talent? i'm over here! oh, you look great, hon. mommy's fat little piggy. hey! let's hurry. this costume is hot. okay. roll camera. and...action! ♪ i love cheesy poofs -- oh, wait! wait! you've got a little eye booger, hon. aw, mom! for pete's sake! got it! and...action! ♪ i love cheesy poofs -- hold it! cut! can we get some more light on that backdrop? sure thing. oh, man, come on. got it. okay. here we go. and...action.
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♪ i love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy -- ♪ cut! what? i'm not liking the shoes. can we change the shoes? oh, damn it! oh. hello, officer of the law. hello, mr. planetarium operator. what brings you out here? these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town. [ chuckles ] oh, really? yeah, i just thought i'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of. actually, this is a pretty inopportune time. okay. i'll be quick, then. of course, officer. come on in. [ robotically ] hello, children. oh, no! they got chef, too! welcome to the planetarium. well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, chef. i love my work. i know what you mean. i've always loved the planetarium, too. would you like to see the stars, officer? no! no! that would be superduper! don't do it, officer barbrady!
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hello? hi, grandma. it's me -- eric. oh, hello, eric. grandma sure has missed you. i wanted to remind you that i'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch. oh, i will, eric. you know, i remember when i was a little girl and had my first talent-show audition -- okay. bye. [ telephone beeping ] mr. marsh: hello. the marshes aren't in now. please leave a message. stan, i'm gonna be on tv tonight. be sure to watch. [ telephone beeping ] mrs. broflovski: you've reached the brofslovskis. please leave a message. where the hell is everybody?! i'm gonna be on tv tonight! you guys better not miss it! dr. adams: and this is the constellation called cassiopeia. oh, neat-o. [ clicks, hums ] and now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are elvis presley. to not be elvis will cause you great pain. pain. you see, children? there's no stopping me. even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me. he's not highly intelligent. why are you doing this? why? because nowadays kids have computers
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and surround-sound television. they've forgotten all about plane'ariums. but i'll make them remember, starting with the two of you! "terrence & phillip" will be right back after these announcements. oh, dude. here it comes! packed full of ingredients, cheesy poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up! so remember... ♪ i love cheesy poofs ♪ you love cheesy poofs ♪ if we didn't eat cheesy poofs we'd be... ♪ lame. and now back to "terrence & phillip." yes! yes! that was me! i was on television! aha! caught you red-handed, m'kay? mr. mackey! officer barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control. wuztha-heuh? hawde-heuh? guhyuh-hoo-heuh! what's wrong with him? ♪ yeah, baby, yeah, baby guhyuh-heuh-hoo-heuh! oh, no. apparently he thinks he's charlton heston. no, you idiot. he thinks he's elvis. elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium. folks, if you wouldn't mind, could you please follow me?
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uh-oh. ♪ hawde-luh-hoo-heuh
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well, let's begin, shall we? [ clicks, hums ] and now you will remember nothing except that the plane'arium is the best thing you've ever known. [ hinge squeaks ] well, well, well! you guys can all kiss my ass, because i was on television! [ humming intensifies ] hey! didn't you guys see it? i was on television! you missed it! you missed it because of this stupid planetarium! planetariums suck ass! [ crackling, beeping ] [ grunts, moans ] cartman! you saved us! the hell are you talking about? get over here and untie us. eric, you really saved the day, m'kay? not so fast, there, tubby. i'm just taking care of business. think hard, elvis. you're not really the king of rock 'n' roll. you're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town, m'kay? [ bell chimes ]
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oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor! oh, my god! dr. adams! kyle: he got a full dose of the stars. yeah. with nobody around to say anything. can you imagine it, stan? a mind emptied by that thing. wow. what a day this has been. i was on tv, and i'm a hero! don't pick your nose, hon. aw, damn it, ma! i wasn't picking it! i had an itch! ♪ i love cheesy poofs ♪ you love cheesy poofs ♪ if we didn't eat cheesy poofs we'd be... ♪ cartman: lame. -- captions by vitac -- captions paid for by mtv networks @p úhxh(p j.d.: before i go into that building and start my day, i always like to take a quiet moment to prepare myself. ♪ bum buh-bum buh-bum ba-bum-bum ♪ ♪ bum buh-bum buh-bum ♪ oh, well, i guess it would be nice ♪
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♪ if i could touch your body ♪ not, you sir. ♪ i know not everybody ♪ has got a body like you, ohh ♪ ♪ but-- dude, what's the rule about white boys dancing in public? not allowed unless you're gay. both: morning, steven. fine. then i'll just put on something that rocks. ♪ it's a beautiful day ♪ don't let it get away ♪ it's a beautiful day ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh j.d.: as a third-year resident, you know everyone so well you can practically speak for them. for instance: "remember, no more dancing." j.d.: "good morning, bambi. sign this, please." j.d.: "who you eyeballin', tough guy?" and of course: "well, zsa zsa,
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"now, you put me in quite the pickle. "you see, with those earphones on, "you can't hear me. "but the odds are highly against you "cracking open that yapper "and annoying me to death. so, what to do, what to do, what to do? "aw, hell." stop addressing me as dr. cox in front of your patients. when they find out my actual name, they tend to page me with questions when they realize just exactly how inept you really are. oh, and as an added safety measure, from now on i will only be responding to doc, doctor, caesar, or the big cheese, and, no, i'm not joking, not now, not ever. hnnh! j.d.: see, things never really change around here. j.d.: surgical and medical still play each other in basketball. i'm gonna toast you so bad, your mama ain't even gonna recognize you. yeah? we-well, i heard that your sister started drinking again. j.d.: i'm still not great at smack talk.
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so, it's not supposed to be true? [whispers] no. [crying] ohh. let it pour, big guy. j.d.: and elliot was still searching for something to turn things around for her. oh, my god! isn't she beautiful?! i mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that i think it's worth it, don't you? i just deliver the cars. she's all yours. frick! j.d.: really, the only difference is that by the third year nothing catches you by surprise. mrs. farr's still having acute abdominal pain. so, what's wrong with me, doctor? j.d.: oh, good lord. i have no idea. ok, don't panic. just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page. [pager beeps] uh-oh. got a code 3 down the hall. what's that? uh, code 3? not as bad as a code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a code 2.
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that's a code 2. ♪ i can't do this all on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know ♪ i'm no superman captioning made possible by buena vista television ♪ i'm no superman
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mnseqeqeqegóq÷7÷7÷7÷7÷7÷7 ohh, i cannot figure out what's wrong with mrs. farr. i gotta go ask cox. why wouldn't you ask me? because you're a surgeon. you just cut people up. you don't actually know anything. oh, yeah. dr. cox. dr. cox. big cheese. yes? [squeaking] j.d.: if you're wondering why dr. kelso's nose is squeaking, ...breaking down and weeping in front of everyone! about a week ago, he was torturing elliot and dr. cox, well... ohh! needless to say, there were consequences. [squeaks] perry, great news. [squeaks] i managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen today and do the annual inmates' physicals. oh, hells bells, bob-o. if you wanna fire me, just do it.
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i would, but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen. [chuckles] uh, saw what happen, sir? [squeaking] so, dr. cox, can you, uh, look at her chart? newbie, did you not see what just happened? kelso is so far up my ass that i can taste brill cream in the back of my throat, and, you, you're-- you're a third-year now. wake up. this whole "dr. cox riding in to the rescue" part of the show is over. [pager beeping] no, you're on your own. j.d.: elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department. dr. moyer, uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out it was just traveler's diarrhea. so? that sounds like good news. yeah. he took it as bad news, maybe 'cause of the unnecessary colonoscope i shoved 3 feet up his pooper? what do you want me to do? uh, a-apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal?
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think i'm gonna pass on that one. see, i got you pegged as one of those spineless types that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what i do. so thanks for stopping by and don't forget your car door. i just don't want it to get stolen, ok? that was me not caring. what? j.d.: now that we can always hear dr. kelso coming, some people have modified their work habits. so, you're engaged to that surgeon guy? mm-hmm. is it serious? no, ted. we swing. [squeaking] squeaky's a'comin'!
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[squeaking stops] [rapid squeaking] oh, hey, bobcat! listen, i was hopin' that maybe you could get someone to cover for me out at the prison tonight. i know that the very idea of you doin' a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that we could shove a lump of coal in there and you'd probably crap out a diamond, right? [chuckles] oh. come on, bob. i can't even remember the last time i saw my son, and you--you-- you're a father, for god's sake. you understand, don't you? my son was recently kicked out of his hare krishna sect for being too much of a hippie and is currently residing in the portland subway system. the point, perry, is that the only thing i care less about than my son is your son. have fun at the big house. [squeaking] hey. you guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist? yes. no. no. well, he didn't know i was engaged, so he asked me out to a movie tonight.
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oh, if he's paying, get a brother some sno-caps. turk, why don't you ever get jealous? woman, look at me. i mean, how could someone with all of this here be jealous of any of that out there? you know what i realized when i was dragging my car door around? i cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. i mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me? no self-confidence. you can be a baby sometimes. your voice gets really high when you're upset. [high voice] rhetorical question, ok?! now, i'm getting smoothies. who wants one? peach fizzle. banana razzmatazz? orange goo-goo. got it. [pager beeps] mrs. farr. you know what? the only way i'm gonna figure out what's wrong with this woman is to start running tests for everything. good luck, bambi. look at the time. j.d.: in a hospital, you can never try to get anything done friday after 5:00 p.m. because anyone who could actually help you is out of here like a gunshot. [gunshot] hello? anyone?


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