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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 6, 2015 12:43pm-1:18pm PDT

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governor's 2009 invitation to this very same ceremony also uses the offending phrase "holiday tree lighting!" i mean, somehow that not akin to wiping your ass with the shroud of turin? i mean really. (laughter) that's a rhetorical question obviously. now, who cares if the story is true or what it actually means? the important thing is is to allow this heathen governor to defile a sacred ritual... ritual ritual. i don't even know what i was combining that word with. to allow him to defile a sacred ritual. (laughter) it's to imperil our nation's very founding principles. >> why do these pilgrims brave incredibly difficult conditions to live here, die here and to try to start a new way of life for theptses? >> religious freedom for everyone. >> religious freedom.
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>> and now it's on the rocks. >> jon: yes. yes, lady wearing cross on television. (laughter) religious freedom is on the rocks! the rocks! of course, not as on the rocks as it was in the 17th century when your friends the pilgrims outlawed christmas celebrations as a sacrilege and declared gifts and christmas decorations satan cal, levying a five-shilling fine on anyone for saying merry christmas. five shillings. i mean, in those days that's two milk cows and a buckled hat. (laughter) if the pilgrims were alive today, this is how they'd decorate the town square. (laughter) or perhaps you'd prefer to celebrate christmas the way our founding fathers did? >> on december 25, 1789, the united states congress sat in
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session and continued to stay open on christmas day for most of the next 67 years. >> jon: how's that taste mother (bleep)ers? (laughter) that's right! when the country was founded, congress had exactly the same attitude about the sanctity of christmas celebrations that a 7-eleven does today. yeah, we're open. fox, you take for granted the ubiquity of christmas. but if there has been a war christmas is the aggressor nation. right now every public space in the country looks like it got hit with a 500-pound tinsel bomb. the white house looks like a yuletide episode of hoarders." (laughter) many of these displays are subsidized by... what's that thing you don't want to spend on anything? taxpayer money! you want to fight about
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something taking the christ out of christmas? ♪ all i want for christmas is you... ♪ (cheers and applause) whatever you think is the reason for the season it does not involve mariah carey in a half a santa suit presenting her ass to justin bieber like a horny bono bow. (laughter) by the way what if we all did go back to always calling them as christmas trees and saying "merry christmas"? would that make you happy? >> the good news is, now some retailers are going back to using the word "christmas" again, but are they doing it just to make a quick buck? and if so, are you okay with that? >> jon: we can't win.
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(laughter) i mean, sure they're saying "merry christmas" but do they mean it? and the way we want them to mean it like you know, that jesus is their savior? that is why tonight i must make the hardest decision that any anchor of a fake news program has to make. (laughter) (applause) they're unusually boisterous for an announcement of war. my fellow americans tonight i humbly come before you to declare war on christmas. we did not... sure. we did not ask for this war, but
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neither will we shrink from it. it is said that we provoked these hostilities through our use of the phrase "happy holidays." this is a lie. that was a phrase borne not of aggression but of convenience. but as long as our enemies view the word happy holidays not as a way to avoid the time sucking double salutation "i wish you a hearry christmas and happy new year" but rather as a subtex wall "(bleep) you and your baby jesus" there can be no peace! (laughter) we now ask that christmas immediately and unilaterally withdraw to its pre-'67 borders. pre1667 borders. do this now. that was my nixon! no!
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no! you don't deserve my nixon. (laughter). (laughter) (cheers and applause) do this now or face the full night of our secular multicultural society. it's a... no, that's not a president. it's a world where christmas will have to share statehouse rotundas not just with jews but with hindus, buddhists, wiccans santeria, atheists and, of course muslims. (laughter) we will fight until we live in a world where free americans everywhere seek not validation of their religious beliefs through macy's signage. where nonsectarian greetings are not seen as diminishing the the most ubiquitous two-month holiday immersion since caligula's birthday party.
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(laughter) until that day, i wish you and your family in this season a happy and heart felt end of the fiscal fourth quarter. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: welcome back to the show. honestly, we're just recovering from herman cain dropping out of the race. you may have seen my writers' reaction to that news of herman cain's withdrawal. >> no! >> no! it's not supposed to happen this way! >> oh god, oh man! >> (bleep) (bleep) (bleep). (laughter) >> jon: it was upsetting. they weren't alone. when cane dropped out of the race i felt despondent. i was depressed, i was losing all hope that my job would ever bring me joy again. and... (laughter). and then... >> we are just confirming that donald trump will moderate a republican debate on december 27 in des moines iowa. >> jon: (whispering) thank you, jesus. (cheers and applause)
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you know sometimes when god closes a door he opens a window! and sometimes standing outside that window a circus peanut wearing a badger. (laughter) here's how you know it's going to be great! regular republicans, the one we used to hate are down right scared. >> jon: it's going to be a giant go trip and anybody who thinks that donald trump is going to be the equivalent of bret baier or any of the other moderates is kidding themselves. >> sure it's time do something presidential and stand up and say "we're not going to be hijacked and participate." >> well, i'm not going to kiss his ring and i'm not going to kiss any other part of his anatomy. (audience reacts). >> jon: aren't we a saucy mormon. (laughter) donald? >> a guy like karl rove he's the one that gave us bush which ultimately gave us obama. he's a political hack.
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i've read george bill will over the years, he's third rate. huntsman who's set. i mean he's got such low polling numbers i wouldn't feel too good if i had 1%. >> jon: hey, i wouldn't vote for that guy with mitt romney's (bleep). (laughter) i love this guy! trump can never, ever, ever let (bleep) slide. he can't let anything go. this is him yesterday doing a phone interview with chuck todd but first he wants to get one thing straight. >> i didn't call you you called me about 40 times. >> i did. >> i didn't call you so your statement is false. is it a correct statement that i do not call you, you called me? >> we called you... >> okay, you didn't say that, though, chuck. i wish you would just be straight chuck. because honestly i think you'd do a lot better if you were straight. >> let me ask you about your debate... >> jon: . >> chuck, you have to tell the truth. (laughter). >> jon: that is this man in a nutshell. he can't let go of the question of who called who first!
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(laughter) and he's going to moderate a debate! you think we're going to have follow-up questions? no, i want to hear you what you said when you said i cut you off. no, who are you to tell america donald trump whose debate this is how to (bleep)ing moderate a debate? let me tell you something, i handle meatloaf and gary busey, you're nothing to me. (laughter) now, if trump had only announced that he were moderating a debate that would have been enough to make my week. but he did let slip one other bit of good news. >> the fact is that if the wrong candidate is nominated to run, i would certainly think about running as an independent, yes. >> jon: holy (bleep)! this guy is moderating a debate debate... (cheers and applause) if the people in the debate he's moderating don't satisfy him, (bleep) it he's jumping in himself.jumping in.(laughter) i wonder how my writers took that news.
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rapid wrinkle repair... ...and for dark spots rapid tone repair. from neutrogena®. (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, oh, he's got a new film out called "the sitter. ". >> what's happening my man? how you doing man? you know this ain't no place for no kid. >> these aren't kids these are little people. this woman is 48 years old. her children have children. >> i'm a grandma. >> oh right, what's your name, baby. >> soul baby. >> soul baby? >> you're keeping in the control, baby. my name is noah jay bird. >> you like to fly? >> i fly baby. >> fly, fly away, baby. >> in the clouds. >> that's what i'm talking about. >> tears, no fears. >> that's what i'm talking about, baby. my brother. >> jon: please welcome back to the show jonah hill. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) you... >> no you. >>.>> jon: first of all, let me say this. >> yes. >> jon: i don't know where on line you order handsome pills. >> yes. (laughs). >> jon: you've been taking handsome pills. look you... hanging out with brad pitt, does it get on you? (laughter) is that what happens? you get... >> it got all over my face. (laughs). >> jon: that's what i'm saying. you get brad pitt all over you... >> no, no. thank you. (laughter) you get them at whole foods. yeah. >> jon: so they're organ snick. >> yes yes. >> jon: that's very nice. >> they don't work as well as the ones at rite aid. >> jon: those a r the one they make with the plastic coating. >> exactly. >> jon: by the way last time you were here i ended up getting
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a note from your that your grandmother wanted to talk to me. or you wanted me to talk to her? and i... i didn't get back to her. >> yeah. >> jon: or did i... >> oh, yes yeah. and also i wanted you to call my grandma. >> jon: you wanted me to call your grandmother. >> well nanny, jon stewart is talking to you. >> >> jon: i'm sorry about that. i got the note... there was no number. it said "i had a note that said "call my grandmother" but then there was no number so i sat in my office like, "grandma?" like, i didn't know what to do. now what was it... first of all "moneyball." you were awesome this that. >> thank you jon. >> jon: that was tremendous. (applause) and that this one looks great, too. i can't wait to take my kids to it. it looks great. >> you shouldn't take... you shouldn't take your kids to this movie. >> jon: it's about baby-sitting, i'm assuming it's "adventures in baby-sitting."
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intro. >> you might as well throw away money because you'd put your children in therapy. it's kind of a response to those awful movies where it's like you don't want this guy watching your kids because he's going to give them some candy and they're going to stay up all night. our version is like, no, no, no really... you don't want this guy watching your kids. (laughter) something really awful is going to happen. (laughter) >> jon: they're never coming back from that. >> they're going to be taken on a drug run and chase bid drug dealers through new york city. it's so (bleep)ed up. the movie's so... it's a so awesome. and "moneyball" it was such a crazy experience. like, i'm still kind of... i did charlie rose today with brad pitt and bennett mill cher for me was like you know, such a surreal... sny now when brad hit brad pitt is in the room, do they sit people according to handsomeness? >> it goes me, brad charlie.
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(laughter). >> jon: i understand that. >> but you know what's crazy? this is another random subject. it's shot in the bloomberg building and brad was there and people were out of their offices waiting like it was bieber fever. and i was like man, if i was your boss i would fire you people. like, i understand it's exciting that brad pitt there is but you're at work right now! >> jon: you've got to understand, work for them is following a ticker. >> exactly. >> jon: so they sit in the thing and they go "oh, look at alcoa." and then brad pitt's here! >> (laughs) you're absolutely right. >> jon: don't sell yourself short. that might have been a jonah hill line. >> there were three teenage asian boys that were pretty excited i was there. they had a "call of duty" poster they wanted know sign. but brad is the coolest guy. he really is. >> jon: i don't want to believe that. >> he is! >> jon: no let me say this... >> he's so handsome. >> jon: i wish he was. he's not because you don't want to like him so much.
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he let me live in his... i was shooting in new orleans and he let me live in his house. he said... i'm like, i'm there for three and a half four months he's like "that's cool. live in my house." >> jon: can i ask you a question very quickly? was angie home? (laughter) (cheers and applause) how cool is that, then? how cool is he? is he that cool? is he like... >> he's not that cool. not that cool. but he let me live in his house and i was shooting a movie "21 jump street" in new orleans and it was so fun and every night i'd get picked up in a black s.u.v. and dropped off but people in new orleans know it's brad pitt's house, it's literally on the tour so i would go home everyday from work and there would be a tour outside and they'd be freaking out and i'd get out of the car and they'd literally go... you could hear a collective audible sigh of annoyance when it wasn't brad pitt. everybody was like "oh it's not him, just some guy!" (laughter) and then you hear one guy go
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"oh, hey, is that... oh, okay. oh." one guy but not like "hey man." just like "oh, it's that guy." just like that. but i kind of got addicted to that sigh of letting people down. i kind of liked that. >> jon: sure. yes. >> so my publicist who you know who is backstage he said you've got to start staying under an alias in hotels because people know you're there and they're call up your room. so i thought it would be funny to stay under someone's name who's way more famous than i am. (laughter) so i stayed under tom hanks for a while. (laughter) and it was so funny because i'd order room service and i'd say "yeah, i'll have eggs bring it up, whatever you k k." and i'd look at them through the key hole and i'd like like "hello." that's so not what i wanted. (laughs) >> jon: that's an awesome dick move. that really is. >> i'm a huge piece of (bleep).
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>> jon: stop it. you're doing great. congratulations on everything. look forward to it and see us again soon. >> lovely to be back here. thank you, jon. >> jon: "the sitter" hopes in theaters on friday. jonah ♪ music playing throughout ♪ bend the rules of what's possible with the epic hp x360.
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this is so great, date night. and this is such a good movie too. at the end when it's revealed the grandmother did it... dude. it's like hello? ah! hey, was that jordan? whoa! that's cold. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless.
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> the scottsdale arizona gun club were offering to take a picture with santa and, of course, your favorite high-powered weapon. >> in addition to the picture they also let you f
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> april 7, 2010. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey! hooray! welcome to "the daily show." what! my name is jon stewart. good one for you tonight. our guest is steve carell former correspondent on this show. retired a couple of years ago and like many retired news men has his own documentary series
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on discovery h.d., "steve carell's world of tropical diseases." (laughter) i think he might have a movie out but we won't talk about that. turning to the catholic church... wait! don't change the channel. you don't know what i'm going to say. it might not be about the thing you think it is. it could be a happy catholic church story. (laughter) maybe the pope got a new hat. (laughter) or put out a new album. or maybe jesus came back. (laughter) and then won't you have felt stupid. or maybe it's one of those things. all right, we'll see what the new development is. >> newly released documents show in the 1990s when benedict was the vatican official in charge of abuse case he is refuses to dismiss wisconsin priest lawrence murphy. >> murphy molested as many as 200 young boys at st. john's school for the deaf from 1950 to 1974. >> jon: [no audio] (laughter) why didn't you change the
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channel when you had the chance? (laughter) god! chuck, give me a little something to clear the vomit from inside my head. oh! (laughter) okay. very cute. those kittens lack the capacity to understand the horror of the story. (laughter) all right, i'm back. where are we? decades-long abuse of deaf children. continue. >> the case was briefly reopened until reverend murphy wrote to ratzinger pleading for mercy. "i am in poor health, i have repented of any of my past transgressions." ratzinger ordered the case be dropped. >> jon: mother... kitty! here kitty! here, kitty, kitty. (laughter) that's not doing it, what else you got? what else you got? oh! oh! it's a man tick ago baby otter. that's nice. simple. no one's innocence is being destroyed except maybe the otter. (laugh

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