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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 4, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST

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seconds. this happened on metro! good news for portland. turns out those filthy disgusting beards you think don't look filthy and disgusting are actually beneficial! researchers investigating the amount of pooh bacteria in beards found that the bacteria that live there are strangely immune to superbugs, and also that there is pooh bacteria in beards. oh the dreaded pirate brownbeard. sharted on me chin. you know what they say you never see a amish guy with e. boli. what are other effects of a beard. burnie burns. >> a hot sweaty place filled with crap.
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rent it out for trump rallies. [cheers and applause] >> chris: make this pooh beard great again. [laughing] >> chris: gavin free. >> the only socially acceptable thing you're allowed to twittle in public. >> chris: colton dunn. >> the benefit for me is people tell me i lookjf like uncle phi. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have the cast of "lazer team," the first feature film from rooster teeth in theaters now. writer & co-star, it's burnie burns. [cheers and applause] >> chris: co-star and rooster
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tooth, gavin free. >> chris: from "superstore," mondays on nbc and co-star of "lazer team," it's colton dunn. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now here's a list of the most trendingest topics on the web today. the first thing first space jams. right at the top. when i was growing up, "astronaut" was the coolest job in the world, but these days kids just want to grow up to be vine stars or (bleep) bois. -- boys. [laughing] >> chris: i don't know. nasa is trying to reverse that trend with an exciting new music video that gives the kids what they want: a hot r&b jam and special effect that look like they jumped
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right out of your sega genesis! take a look. [laughing] ♪ >> chris: whoa. >> chris: holy (bleep), they killed that kid! they [beep] killed that killed. they shot him into a galaxy! he explode nod a thousand sparkles of dust. comedians, as the manager of this arcade, explain to this boy's father what happened to him. colton. >> sorry, dude, your kid went to space and sploted. >> chris: direct approach. points much gavin. >> don't worry he's floating around behind your bookcase for a thousand years. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: burnie. >> you know, sir, how kids really like "star wars" anyways
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your kid is dead. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points, burnie. >> chris: on to our next topic: "i'll accept jizz." "i'll accept jizz." hang on. on monday's "@midnight", i said something that led to an unfortunate screen cap: "i'll accept jizz." [laughing] >> chris: which by the way is what i said. now in many, many years, about twenty if you count while i may have twenty-five years in show jizzness -- believe how many of you took that seriously. i've been receiving a huge load of fan mail that i'm afraid to open. please don't send me jizz, i
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mean anymore. commodians, your challenge is what am i going to do with all of this [beep] >> drink it like a protein shake and get ripped! [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> the last sip takes the longest. >> chris: burnie. >> you could use the gallons of skwraerbgs izz to lure kesha out of your basement. gallons of jizz to lure kesha out of your basement. on to our next topic: tough kids. a photo recently posted by redditor "spainiana" apparently points out a branding problem with "tough kids" shoes. it's an issue mostly with their odd choice of spokesmodel. so comedians, who did they pick to advertise "tough kids"? a.) a sweet little boy in a cashmere sweater vest. b.) a menacing little girl with an eye patch preparing to throw a hand grenade.
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c.) forest whitaker [laughing] colton. >> i'm going c, forest whitaker. he's available. [laughing] >> chris: alright. he maybe doing stuff. the correct answer was actually this. >> ya! >> oh. chris: that kid is tough at [beep]. he was raised on the mean streets of the dutch virgin islands. >> it looks like he's the hottest dude on a boat. [laughing] >> chris: ya. >> he would demand your lunch money to invest it. [laughing] >> chris: points for gavin and colton on that one. >> looks like a kid that would have bullied gavin in school. >> i believe it.
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>> still it. chris: points to burnie. that's the end of "rapid refresh" it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars record breaking it 2 * in the $4 million. congratulations. [cheers and applause] but not all crowdfunding campaigns are as successful. like this one for "the pokie," the sexy snuggie with a hole for your penis! it's never been easier for your uncle to shake his dick at passing cars! we figured we would brainstorm more bad investments with #badkickstarterinfivewords. of 0 seconds on the clock. >> healthy cook book for neo
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nazis. >> chris: points. >> worlds first one d wonder. >> making a murder animated series. >> adding n words to the bible. [cheers and applause] >> chris: colton. >> cat version of "battle star galactica." >> chris: "cattle star calactica. >> -- flesh like with tobasco lube. >> chris: spoken like people who have used the flesh light. oh, god. i'm thinking about all of the times i [beep] a flashlight worst one. burnie. >> craigslist lift personals but for kids. >> chris: points. colton. >> old nipple in a bottle. [laughing]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #badkickstarterin5words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @framesjnco. well done! 3 meters... 2 meters... 1 met... [psssshhhhht!] snap into a slim jim!
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♪ we're gonna have some fun now ♪ now at chili's, our famous $20 dinner for 2 features new usda choice char-crusted sizzling sirloin. a deal that deserves a double take. ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "killer b's."
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"killer bs." the hilarious hoarders over at the found footage festival are geniuses when it comes to cataloguing vhs-based weirdness from a time before the internet. i'm going to show you a vhs cover from the on-line gallery. for too points you're going to give me a tagline for that movie. first up, "herpes!" gavin. >> one in five americans already own this. [laughing] >> chris: points. colton. >> herpes, the burnie burns story. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> the documentary i kick started it. >> chris: is that a herpe. i think you dick started it. [laughing] >> chris: burnie. >> featuring a special introduction by paris hilton. >> chris: points, yes. >> where do you think i got it?
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: next, "hank's christmas glitter 2004". colton. >> the joy of christmas is in his heart, the glitter is in his dick. >> chris: the old dick glitter. gavin. >> won't make sense unless you have seen the first 2003 prequals. >> chris: next, "flirting with magic: your secret to dating success!". that man looks successful. colton. >> get lea laid then disappear. chris: points. gavin. >> not just a magician he's also a hypnotist.
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>> chris: points. burnie. >> the life story of david cop a feel. >> chris: points. last one "10 crunchy carrots." >> ten carrots, three holes, do you the math. [cheers and applause] >> chris: burnie. >> when you're a vegan even the porridge sucks. >> chris: points. burnie, all of this porn is locally sourced. >> chris: i want you to get ready to rock a video for this one. ♪ broken in two gives a piece for me and a piece for you. [laughing]
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>> chris: is that ted cruz in a wig? [laughing] [cheers and applause] [beep] ted cruz. >> chris: comedians, what happens next? colton. >> she swallows. [laughing] >> chris: points. that's the end of "killer b's." it's time for our live challenge long johns of the law. i will show you a sign from township in pennsylvania. "pajamas are not appropriate attire for district court." they're not is this how often was this happening?
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[laughing] >> chris: wildly inappropriate when the judge says "all rise." [ applause ] >> chris: thank you. the audience watching at home i did the take three times before they responded to it. i guilted them into that. [laughing] >> chris: comedians i want you to play bailiff and read from the court docket introducing a case where pajamas would be appropriate attire. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight!" [cheers and applause]
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♪ (cell phone rings) where are you? well the squirrels are back in the attic. mom? your dad won't call an exterminator... can i call you back, mom? he says it's personal this time... if you're a mom, you call at the worst time. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. where are you? it's very loud there. are you taking a zumba class?
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over the years, she saw mark grow up... she saw him tempted... but she never felt threatened. until taco bell introduced $1 crunchwrap sliders - and clementine began to worry for her personal safety. but little did she know, that under her own body was a weird rubber plug. four big, full size flavors that won't break the bank. crunchwrap sliders including new spicy beefy nacho and sriracha chicken for just a buck each. only at taco bell. [sfx: bong]
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without looking at cable wires and boxes in every room. mother, we are settlers. we settle for cable. and the simpler things in life. like our drab clothing. that's right, daughter. and homemade haircuts. exactly, boy. besides, if it weren't for wires, how would cousin tobias get his privacy? hey - shut the blanket! i need my privacy! (vo) don't be a settler. get a $100 visa prepaid card when you switch to directv. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you this pennsylvania courthouse sign warning you against showing up in your pjs which takes all the fun out of jury duty. i asked you to pretend you were a court bailiff and introduce a case where p.j.s would be appropriate. gavin. >> next case the pajamas and the bananas, the collapsing
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staircase. >> chris: mr. burns. >> next case, mr. brown versus the board of masturbation. >> chris: colton. >> next case the peoples versus some dude who just doesn't give a [beep]. [ applause ] >> chris: tough your answers are all pretty equal. i will give everyone had thousand points -- four thousand points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: which means it boils down to the speed game. "yearbook oh nos." "yearbook oh nos." yearbooks were clearly invented by some sadistic bastard who thought it was a great idea to have photo evidence of the most awkward years of your life. if you're lucky, you get tagged with a superlative like "most likely to steal yo girl" like -- [laughing]
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>> chris: take the bowl off -- [laughing] aww, yeah! i was wearing big dorky glasses before it was still not cool! comedians, i'm going to show you some truly bad selections from and you tell me what superlative they earned in school. first, this lounging lad. colton. >> most likely to crap himself at a chucky cheese. [laughing] >> chris: no not the ball pit. points, points. next up this young daughter of a gun. burnie. >> most likely to i s useed. chris: next up this shocking fellow. burnie. >> most likely to be launched into a galaxy by nasa.
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>> chris: yes, points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up this meat body, ya. colton. >> most likely to get his head stuck in a doorway. [laughing] big head. >> chris: [beep] is he looking at? next up this gap-toothed student. gavin. [laughing] >> first person to floss with a bubungee cord. >> chris: points. by the way that's our good friend "@midnight" alison agosti. >> chris: still way better than mine. next up this jive jack. >> most likely to b to be arresd for possession of oregno.
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>> chris: finally this relaxed rocker. gavin. >> most likely to [beep] up machete juggling. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "yearbook oh nos." technically gavin is in third place but since you know you guys lost the war and we started a country, i sort of feel like -- [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: -- i sort of feel like i can not breakup the rooster teeth game, laser team. i'm keeping everyone for the win. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya. congradulations. welcome to america. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to get more fast and way more furious. it's "for the win"!
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: good news everyone. "the fast and the furious" fans: guttural-voiced, 250-pound shiny bowling pin vin diesel took to instagram to announce the popular car and male bonding franchise is coming back for at least three more sequels. they will return and this franchise is never going to die. if they release a sequel aef year "fast and furious of 0" will come out in to 21 i want a tag like for "fast and furious 60". we will read the answers and have a winner when we come back to "@midnight."
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over the years, clementine saw a lot. she saw mark grow up... she saw him tempted... but she never felt threatened. until taco bell introduced $1 crunchwrap sliders - and clementine began to worry for her personal safety. but little did she know, that under her own body was a weird rubber plug. four big, full size flavors that won't break the bank. crunchwrap sliders including new spicy beefy nacho and sriracha chicken for just a buck each. only at taco bell. [sfx: bong] who needs a six pack, when you got...the nose. or a nose...when you got the suit. now, you don't need a suit when you got the fire. or fire when you rock those heels. or when you got the brains. the awww.
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who needs some other thing when you got... your thing. now work on it. ♪ free refills,. free blocks of cheese and free battery tests. we offer free testing, because we don't sell people parts they don't need. with our help you can always fix your car with confidence. hoods up america. ♪ you get a free pizza after when super bowl 50!
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free pizza? we get it after the super bowl. order now through super bowl sunday at and get a free pizza starting monday. use promo code superbowl50. papa john' we broabout this new car. to get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, we broke vin diesel's news that the "fast and the furious" franchise will keep going for the foreseeable future
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and asked you to come up with the title and tagline for "the fast and the furious 60" coming out in 2021. let's see what you came up with: first one ... >> ff of 0 they go of 0 all the time which turns out isn't all that fast. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... watch vin diesel behind the wheel again sitting in his driveway as he tries to remember why he left the house. "don't miss fast and furious 60 too senile, too senile." [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number three ... "fast of 0" the cars are fast, the women are dry and the men are a sleep. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] who is number three? colton dunn you're the funniest person for the next if hours.
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thank you for being here tomorrow night when our guests will be annabeth gish, scott adsit, and greg proops. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #badkickstarterin5words and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight! announcer: the following is a message from the next president of the united states, senator hillary rodham clinton. good evening, my fellow americans. as we all know, this has already been a long, hard-fought campaign for the democratic presidential nomination, but tonight, with my recent victory in indiana ( quickly ) and senator obama's in north carolina, we remain exactly where we were four months ago-- hopelessly deadlocked. therefore, this nomination is going to be decided as it should be, by the superdelegates, based not on primary results or caucuses


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