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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 5, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST

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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists ricky velez, franchesca ramsey, and paul f. tompkins.
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and thanks to felonious munk for being here. ( cheers and applause ) we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm going to "keep it 100." tonight's question is from @natburner03. they ask, "would you rather wear cam pants to your wedding or a "vote for trump" shirt at a cinco de mayo party"? that's hilarious. okay, this is going to be an unusual answer. i would much rather wear the shirt at the party because i'm a comedian. that would be hilarious. >> all right, okay. >> larry: is that keeping it 100? it's hilarious. thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. challenge me, guys! challenge me! good nightly, everyone! : it's 19
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seconds. this happened on uproxx. super bowl 50 is sunday, and the league is finally cracking down on its biggest problem. not players with confessions. little baby freeloaders. though, both have soft heads. apparently, the broncos punter wanted to bring his two-week-old daughter to the game and was told he'd still have to buy an $1,800 seat. can you believe how expensive it's gotten to destroy your child's hearing these days? people are annoyed that the n.f.l. is being so strict. after all, what's one more fan that screams and ( bleep ) itself before passing out? i know this news has upset a lot
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of infants out there, so, comedians, how can nfl win back the babies. scott adsit. >> spendidate with 56 other drooling mouth breathers. >> chris: annabeth gish. >> beer will be served in mommy's boobs. >> chris: yes "n" yes! that got a cheer like that's a thing. you need to calm it down over there. greg proops. >> everyone will get to take a turn being breast fed by john madden. >> chris: yes! it's time to start "@midnight." >> chris: now i can't stop thinking about, "he is really going all the way! drank every last drop! >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "veep" on hbo
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season 5 premieres april 24. mr. scott adsit. you know what else scott does that is going to delight you? scott is the voice of bay max in "big hero 6." ( cheers and applause ) from "the x-files," mondays on fox, annabeth gish. ( cheers and applause ) it's so good! this has been a ( bleep ) amaze ooght show is incredible! >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> and it's breaking all sorts of worldwide ratings records. >> chris: congratulations. we're very excited to see you back on the show. >> thank you very much. >> chris: i'm a big fan of it. performing at the improv in arlington, texas, this weekend, his album "in the ball park" is available on itunes. mr. greg proops.
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( cheers and applause ) now it's time to go to a place where we don't need reasons. it's "panderdome." ( cheers and applause ) here's a list of the top trendicles on the web today. the first thing we're going to talk about is daddy dearest. daddy dearest. belching sea lion with a spaghetti hat donald trump and fleshy mobile gargoyle ted cruz have emerged as the g.o.p. frontrunners. but what kind of family men are they? here's cruz showing everyone just how much his daughter loves him. >> ow! ow! ( laughter ) >> chris: oh, my god! that kiss just made her a democrat. that's what happened. now, going to the other side of the spectrum, trump and his daughter have a very close relationship. in fact, it's so uncomfortably
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close that she's sitting on his lap and cradling his jowls. while two parents are ( bleep ) near them. ( laughter ) to be clear about these parent this parrot is not the daughter of this parrot. they're not related in anyway. what did the photographer say right before he took this picture? annabeth? >> okay, great. now, this time make me really uncomfortable. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. greg. >> okay, on the count of three, stay with me. let's make incest great again! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: again, great again. points. scott adsit. >> as a woman, i fiewnd this and you repugnant, but i am going to vote for you anyway, because i am a racist. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> chris: points. >> chris: on to our next topic, ben & jerry's. there was another democratic town hall on wednesday. as the race heat up campaign donors are going to extreme to get people to vote, like ben & jerry promised free ice cream if they voted for bernie sanders. to be fair, he can't chew anything harder. so, comedians, what are other ways a company can incentivize people to vote for a candidate? greg proops. >> if you vote for sanders, you get to go to the passover shout-off. >> chris: all right, points. >> ( bleep ). >> chris: greg proops getting very aggressive with the crowd right off the bat! scott adsit. >> vote for cruz, and chick filet will deep fry and batter a
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happily married gay couple. >> chris: while in new hampshire this week, walmart greeter jeb bush got the crowd all riled up. what did he do, an air dpi tar solo to the final countdown, or beg his audience to applaud him? greg proops. >> both, both. >> chris: come on, guys! >> he begs his audience to applaud him because they sat quiet after everything he said. they're honoring everything he said with a moment of silence. >> chris: i will give you points and i will show you the the end there. >> get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world. please clap. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> the guy is a ( bleep ) tool, man! man, that is an unhappy group of white people. >> chris: that is the end of pander dome. it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. commercial bowl 50 is this weekend, and the one thing i' excited for besides puppy bowl, of course, when i'm going to watch instead of super bowl, is the half time show. i can't wait to see people on social media somehow muster passionate opinions about coldplay. that's like having a hot take on toast. ( laughter ) but since haters are coming, let's preempt them with tonight's hashtag, #betterhalftimeshows. examples: "beyoncmakes a sandwich and answers some or a different football game. >> coldplay gets beaten up by david bowie's ghost. >> chris: points!
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annabeth. >> basketball game. >> chris: point. >> no half time show. >> chris: points. scott. >> sniper camp. >> chris: yes, points. ( bleep ) ( bleep ). >> there it is. >> chris: annabeth. >> sculley and mulder finally ( bleep ). >> chris: yes! points! i just needed to process that for a second. ( laughter ) points. greg. >> i know. we'll all have a moment tonight. ( laughter ) we leave early to beat traffic. >> chris: yes, points. annabeth. >> tom brady and gazelle make a baby. >> chris: yes! >> right there? >> right there. right there. i mean, i'd watch that. i'd love that.
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>> he's really going all the way! and as a touchdown, he is spiking his balls. >> uh-oh! they're deflated. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #betterhalftimeshows and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more we'll be right back with more "@midnight." buying smartphones for the whole family is expensive. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." not at t-mobile® for a limited time, check out our half off smartphone event. get one of our most popular smartphones, and get the second one at half price. need more? buy another, and get the fourth phone at half price, too. smartphones like the samsung galaxy s6, note 5 and many more. hurry to t-mobile's half off smartphone event while it lasts and get the whole family a smartphone today.
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♪ (cell phone rings) where are you? well the squirrels are back in the attic. mom? your dad won't call an exterminator... can i call you back, mom? he says it's personal this time... if you're a mom, you call at the worst time. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. where are you? it's very loud there.
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are you taking a zumba class?
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "the parent rap." "the parent rap." ( cheers and applause ) there's a new way for over-competitive parents to one-up each other in the most
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obnoxious way possible: "parent raps." the concept is simple: mommies and daddies take a rap song they want to ruin forever, and ever and change the lyrics to be about parenting. comedians, i'm going to show you a short clip of the most horrible parent rap video and for 250 points you're going to answer a question about it. first up, these party rockers. ♪ mommy in the house tonight gotta make sure that everything's right ♪ every day i'm hungerin' >> chris: what is the name of the-- ( laughter ) i'm sorry, greg. i'm sorry. i know. this is hard to watch. >> >> i just don't feel that well right now, chris. >> chris: we all feel bad, too "p" we're going to get through this, though. >> you feel like maybe you married the wrong woman? >> i wish my wife would twerk in a playground. ( laughter )
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>> chris: what is the name of the festival this band is headlining. >> motherra-paluzza. >> this potty mouthed mama rapping about what she does when the kids go to school ♪ coffee still piping hot ♪ read a magazine >> chris: i had to make a video! i just sit at home all day! you get to go to work but i'm just sitting here. i'm sitting here. >> chris: what else does she do when her kids aren't home? greg. >> you know what she does, chris. cries, chris. she ( bleep ) cries. >> chris: points, points. ( cheers and applause )
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next up, a dad with way too much time ♪ they be drivein 'by peeping my landscape ♪ yo, these reems got nothing on my manscape it's the dad life shooting vids of the kids it's the dad life! ( laughter ) >> chris: i would say these guys look like more like a boy band than rapidders. what would their boy band name be? annabeth. >> the flaccid street boys. ( applause ) >> the three of them are called one erection. ( cheers and applause ) they have to share. >> don't we owe america an apology for showing these.
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>> chris: yes. the apology is you're ridiculing these poor people for doing something they thought was fun for a day. >> >> greg, this is america. >> chris: next, we rewind to these tupac baby shakers. ?eet mom, mom, she's the bomb rocking all night to break of dawn ♪ dad, dad, he's the man working real hard to support the clan >> chris: working real hard to support the clan? >> oh, no! >> chris: what's a condition of their inevitable divorce? greg proops. >> she gets the murder, he gets the suicide. >> chris: points. scott adsit. >> she gets the house. he gets the boat, and the state of california gets the kids. >> chris: yeah, points. ( applause )
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>> these kids are clan property now. >> chris: i mean, know she meant family klan, like klan, but you don't say that. you don't know that. that brings us to the end of the parent rap. it's time for our live challenge. a recent study they cannot imagine will make anyone go woo, tells us that americans spent more money last year on legal marijuana than cheeseos and doritos combined. i guess they're getting back to a simpler time where instead of eating simpler snack they eat peanut butter with their car keys.
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there's even a bible study group in colorado where christian stoners get together to praise god and smoke the ganj. huh, i thought it was only jews who celebrated high holidays. comedians i would like you to give me a seron that you'd hear at the "stoner's 4 jesus" bible study. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight!" james drove his rav4 hybrid into the frozen wilderness. the scent of his jerky attracted a hungry wolfpack behind him. to survive, he had to remain fearless. he would hunt with them. and expand their territory. he'd form a bond with a wolf named accalia... ...become den mother and nurse their young. james left in search of his next adventure. how far will you take the all-new rav4 hybrid? toyota. let's go places. [ scanner beeping ]
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sir, could you step aside? "sir"? come on. you know who i am. progressive insurance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big shot like me would pack his own bags, right? [ chuckles ] so, do i have the right to remain handsome? [ chuckles ] wait. uh-oh. you get a free pizza after guys,super bowl 50!r now that's a great idea. ever notice how people always show up when you have free pizza? free pizza? hello? we get it after the super bowl. oh... i'll come back. order now through super bowl sunday at papajohns.com and get a free pizza starting the monday after super bowl. use promo code superbowl50. better ingredients. better pizza. better football. papa john's.com.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i told you about a bible study that encourages attendees to smoke weed, and i asked you to give me a line from one of these puff-puff pastors. let's see what you wrote. greg proops, let's start with you. >> brothers and sisters, dudes and dudeets, i preach you to open your bible to the book of chong. ( laughter ) the lord said, "dave's not here. and always remember, brothers and sisters, dudes and dudeets, i impeach you to open your bible to the book of chong."
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>> chris: annabeth. >> and, lo, jesus rode his skateboard cross the water, kick-flipped in front of the apostles and said, "duuube unto others as you would have them duuube unto you." >> chris: very well done. that's it. >> on the first day god made adam. then god took some of adam's mcrib and made eve for, lo, the mcrib was back. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: those were all great but i have to give annabeth 1,000 point and 500 to greg and scott.
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it's time for "the rejects-files." be the hit series "the x-files" is back on fox for a six-episode revival. seriously, it's ( bleep ) great. for those too young to remember, "the x-files" was about a team of f.b.i. special agents who was partially led from the guy from red shood diaries. who investiigated all the bizarre, unsolved cases the government couldn't crack, like if aliens really exist or how to make '90s special effects look good or how long do i have to but clearly its return to television means there are still cases yet unsolved. >> an orange creature that eats mexicans. >> chris: annabeth. >> are aliens just really into butt stuff?
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>> chris: yes, they are. greg proops. >> the mystery of why david duchovny looks old and gillilan anderson looks exactly the same. >> chris: points. >> the recyclable "twilight zone" episodeses. >> chris: they are not recyclable "twilight zone" episodes. >> that's why it's a mystery. >> chris: they are not at all. the "twilight zone" was social commentary and morality tales. >> this is a bunch of crap! >> why are you looking at her? >> she's on the show. >> you insulted the show. >> i don't think so! >> chris: scott, scott, scott, if he wants to take back, the truth is out there. >> i never watch this show! ( cheers and applause ) did you say points after i said that? >> chris: points? not like you're going to see it later. ( cheers and applause )
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greg proops, you're in third place and we have to eliminate you. >> what! >> like ted cruz, i just want to thank the lord for allowing me to play on this show. because the lord is my agent, and he has an office on wilshire boulevard. >> chris: red light! >> chris: that means it's time to draw things out. it's "for the win"! ( cheers and applause ) no one knows what the future will bring, except for redditor "kayden-mac-g's" seven-year-old son, who was given a school assignment to draw what he'd look like when he is 100 years and he drew this. oh, interesting. do you see there's the coffin. there's the body. here's the flowers coming out from it. >> oh, that's so sweet. >> chris: what an incredible grasp of death and mortality that, of course, is going to
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instantly disappear when he becomes a teenager. but comedians, i'm curious about your futures. i would like you to draw what you will look like when you're 100 years old. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come ba
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oh remotes, you've had it tough. watching tvs get sharper, bigger, smugger. and you? rubbery buttons.
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enter the x1 voice remote. now when someone says... show me funny movies. watch discovery. record this. voila. remotes, come out from the cushions, you are back. the x1 voice remote is here. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- it all comes down to this. before the break i showed you one boy's drawing of the future. on the bright side, he thinks he's going to be very tall. that p

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