Skip to main content

tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  February 9, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

11:31 pm
♪ let's go back to that bar off mcgowen we used to love ♪ ♪ with deep red painted walls, white frames, and old glass surrounding us ♪ ♪ did you ever learn that i [cheers and applause] >> larry: welcome to the "nightly show." thank you so much. i'm larry wilmore. triumph the insult comic dog is
11:32 pm
here tonight because we're going to be doing some searing political commentary. so got to bring in the dog, bring in the dog. well, it's the night of the new hampshire primaries, and you know what that means. well, actually, we don't because the results aren't in as we tape this. but that's not going to stop us from checking in on what's happening with the unblackening. it's been a tough week for the clintons. there have been rumblings that the campaign is in trouble. bill was on stage today. now, over the years, there have been a lot of jokes about him not being that familiar with the truth, let's say. well, this is one of the few times i think he kept it 100. >> sometimes, when i'm on a stage like this, i wish we weren't married. >> larry: what?
11:33 pm
usually, he just screams that to himself in the car. okay, that's not fair. let's play the whole thing. >> tonight, my job is to introduce hillary. sometimes, when i'm on a stage like this, i wish we weren't married. then, i could say what i really think. and i don't mean that in a negative way. i'm happy. >> larry: i think i'm more confused now. i don't know what to believe after this. that's a very dangerous way to go this close to valentine's day. and that wasn't bill's only misstep on the trail. here's what he said yesterday when talking about the trolling of hillary supporters by people claiming to be bernie supporters. >> people who have gone on the online to defend hillary and explain just explain why they supported her have been subject
11:34 pm
to vicious trolling and attacks that are literally too profane often, not to mention sexist. >> larry: slow down, brawny paper towel guy. ironically he is the quicker picker upper. i'm not sure you're the one who should be wagging his finger about sexism. that'd be like trump giving a lecture on having big hands; it'd be impossible because he has baby hands. google it! but it's not just bill. the hillary campaign has been having some issues with several of its surrogates lately. take a look at feminist icon gloria steinem talking about why all those young hussies are flocking to bernie sanders. >> and when you're young, you're thinking, you know, where are the boys? the boys are with bernie.
11:35 pm
>> larry: so, young women are only interested in the bernie campaign for that sweet d? and by "d," i mean "democratic socialist." you guys. [applause] give us some more d, larry, yes. women have agency and can make their own decisions! i can't believe i have to man-splain this to gloria steinem! this is ridiculous. and it gets worse. here's former secretary of state madeline albright. >> and you have to help, hillary clinton will always be there for you. just remember there's a special place in hell for women who don't help each other. >> larry: so, if a woman feels the bern, it's actually the fires of hell?
11:36 pm
[applause] if there's a special place in hell for women who don't help each other, why did no one come to the aid of a certain 22-year-old intern back in 1998? what's interesting is albright has used this hell line before, but while in the past she's used it as a rallying cry, now she's using it to divide. well, to find out if there really is a special place in hell, we're going live to hell itself. please welcome hell-based tour guide, rebecca harris. [crowd cheering] >> great to be here, larry. >> larry: so, is there really a special place in hell for women who don't help each other? >> oh yeah, larry. there are going to be a ton of bernie supporters down here soon. >> larry: wait, it's real? it's not a metaphor? >> yep. but this special place isn't just for women who don't support
11:37 pm
hillary. it's for all the evil women who defy society's very clearly defined rules. >> larry: oh come on, come on. that's crazy. when was this place created? >> when women were created! we've been screwing up ever since we were taken from adam's rib. but don't take my word for it. ask eve. >> larry: eve? [crowd cheering] >> hey, larry! >> larry: wait eve. you're black? >> oh, come on, larry. i'm black, jesus was black, the devil's white. get over it. >> larry: you've got quite the '70s bush there. >> it's coming back, larry! trust me! >> larry: why are you in hell? aren't you the mother of civilization? >> because i ate an apple from the tree of knowledge. apparently, women aren't supposed to have knowledge.
11:38 pm
plus, when's the last time you told a woman what she can and cannot eat? >> larry: i would never suggest doing such a thing. >> slide over, ladies. make room for amelia earhart! [crowd cheering] >> larry: wait a minute. all you did was fly a plane. why is there a special place in hell for you? >> oh, yeah, she really deserves to be here. >> yes, i attempted greatness larry. and as we all know, only men are great. in the 1930s, a woman's place was in the kitchen, not in the air. >> larry: i can't believe this place exists. this is terrible! >> it's really not so bad, larry. >> larry: oh, let me guess. you're joan of arc or frida khalo. >> nope. just cheryl tompkins, c.p.a. >> larry: hold on. you're just a normal lady. why are you there?
11:39 pm
>> well, i'm in my 40s, chose not to get married or have kids. i mostly just focused on my career and traveled a lot. i had a really great, happy life. which is why i deserve to be here. >> she's one of our worst offenders, larry. >> larry: but rebecca, the punishment doesn't fit the crimes, especially because these aren't even crimes! who's next? maya angelou? >> actually, madeleine albright. there's a real special place in hell for a woman who doesn't support women who make their own damn choices! >> larry: rebecca harris, cheryl tompkins, amelia earhart and eve, everybody. we'll be right back. >> hi, i'm holly walker, keeping black history 100 for the "nightly show." "gone with the wind" actress hattie mcdaniel was the first black actor to win an oscar. and-- fun fact-- she was also barred from attending the movie premiere. and the award for most bull-(/ bleep/ ) goes to 1939! happy black history month!
11:40 pm
♪ sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪ ♪ we're gonna have some fun now ♪ now at chili's, our famous $20 dinner for 2 features new usda choice char-crusted sizzling sirloin. a deal that deserves a double take.
11:41 pm
♪ guys the sign's working! get unlimited data so you can watch, stream, and download where and when you want. get 4 lines for $180 a month when you have at&t wireless and directv. ♪ ♪
11:42 pm
♪ watching tvs get sharper, you've had it tough. bigger, smugger. and you? rubbery buttons. enter the x1 voice remote. now when someone says... show me funny movies. watch discovery. record this. voila. remotes, come out from the cushions, you are back. the x1 voice remote is here.
11:43 pm
>> larry: welcome back. you know, i was watching super bowl 50 on sunday and had the same thought that i'm sure most of you did: "hey, that's the number of women who have accused bill cosby of rape!" that's right mother-(/ bleep/ )i haven't forgotten about you! what's the latest? >> in the sexual assault case against the entertainer bill
11:44 pm
cosby, a judge ruled the case can in fact go forward. >> larry: good. that judge hasn't forgotten about you either, mother-(/ bleep/ )! but today there was a piece of bad news. a judge threw out a defamation lawsuit filed by janice dickinson, one of his alleged victims. but again, let's keep in mind the silver lining in all of this, and that's that these women are finally getting an opportunity to tell their stories. but the biggest update on the coz is the series f-x has in the works. i don't know if you guys have heard of this. apparently, "the people vs. o.j. simpson: american crime story" that premiered last week was such a hit that f-x has already gone into production on a follow up series about cosby. and lucky for you, the "nightly show" got some exclusive footage. here's a sneak peek.
11:45 pm
>> mr. cosby, we're lawyers, and we called this meeting. >> and the fluids, all over the place. >> talking like that in a deposition is not a good idea. >> we're going to need a really good defense, a story you can stick to. >> my story is -- when the ladies -- baba. >> how about this. michael jackson, mike tyson and you. were all three of you having -- >> no, come on, man -- >> no, you're all successful black men, okay. systematically taken down because white america couldn't stomach it. just like o.j. >> yes, like o.j. simpson not
11:46 pm
the juice. >> mr. cosby, it's a conspiracy, a race-based conspiracy. >> correct. >> that doesn't look delicious. i could have a pick me up. >> come on in. there you go young had. >> maybe these women were paid to bring you down. maybe they entrapped you. >> yes. you were just trying to mentor them. you're the real victim. >> that's exactly right. and then -- in this- >> oh, you probably shouldn't. but i did skip lunch so maybe just have a little fling. it's a midget, is that a banana. >> some is banana and some --
11:47 pm
you know the secret is in the -- >> that's a great example.>> age more specific here. let's think of some white groups that would hate you the most. >> hate, yes. >> white liberals. >> correct mundo. that's exactly true. >> white liberals hatemphtell br pants up. >> i have been trying to -- all this time. >> because you tell teens to pull their pants up. >> that's right. this can work. i like this. >> snow cone. >> don't mind if i do. why i wouldn't. >> the cosby -- document -- or the legal way -- cosby you did it again. >> larry: looks like some good binge-watching.
11:48 pm
we'll be right back. ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-ooh, oh ♪ hearts are made for sharing. spread some sweetness with dunkin' donuts' cookie dough and brownie batter donuts. heart-shaped happiness too sweet not to share. america runs on dunkin'. crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back.
11:49 pm
buying smartphones for the whole family is expensive. not at t-mobile® for a limited time, check out our half off smartphone event. get one of our most popular smartphones, and get the second one at half price. need more? buy another, and get the fourth phone at half price, too. smartphones like the samsung galaxy s6, note 5 and many more. hurry to t-mobile's half off smartphone event while it lasts
11:50 pm
and get the whole family a smartphone today. watching tvs get sharper, you've had it tough. bigger, smugger. and you? rubbery buttons. enter the x1 voice remote. now when someone says... show me funny movies. watch discovery. record this. voila. remotes, come out from the cushions,
11:51 pm
you are back. the x1 voice remote is here. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor rory albanese; "nightly show" contributor mike yard; and you can see him right now in "triumph's election special 2016" on hulu, produced by funny or die, triumph the insult comic dog. [applause] and for everyone at home: join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. okay, we don't have the results from new hampshire yet, so let's talk about what we do know about the candidates so far. and i want to start with trump. at a recent rally, one of his supporter's said this: and he repeated it. >> she said, "i never expect to hear that from you again." she said he's a pussy. that's terrible. terrible.
11:52 pm
>> larry: so, my question is: if trump wins tonight, can we just officially say he's our next president? >> no, larry. donald trump even if he gets the numb make at some point he might have to go through benders and nothing gets through bernie sanders unless he just drank some -- > larry: he would definitely feel the bern if that's the case. >> everyone is yelling feel the bern at the bernie rallies. is everyone [bleep] >> what is he trying to say. >> the fact that lassie had a lot of -- >> exactly. thank you. >> larry: but seriously you guys. can trump keep getting away with it. is it going to start turning it around. i never seen a candidate talk like that on stage and his numbers go up. >> i mean i don't know. like weird stuff happen.
11:53 pm
like dick cheney, thing happen. people stay in power. >> i don't know. some people just have that star power like dick cheney. >> yes, they do. >> i feel like she's traughting out women now trying to make her case which is bizarre because i never saw trump saying let's bring out black people. >> that's great because bringing out black people is a great way to get the left. i can say it because i'm a black entertainer. >> i mean you got a point. >> i mean hillary's got to have the highest self-esteem in the history of the world because she has to hear who don't like you, women don't like)v you, young people don't like you. i got intoed of booed off the se time and nearly killed myself. she's a better man than me. >> larry: do you think
11:54 pm
there's any validation of sexist claims towards hillary. do you think that's [bleep] >> hate towards hillary. i don't know why women would like her just because she dresses like a lesbian lion tailor. >> larry: a lesbian line tamer. >> that's what the script says. >> larry: i believe it. >> you're allowed to bring notes -- >> up your, you got a different set of rules. keep breathing, keep breathing. >> larry: i just never heard those words put together. >> a lesbian lion tamer. >> larry: do you think if hillary wins the nomination young women will rally around her. >> i think young women who doesn't want trump to be president [bleep] >> if trump gets the nomination the whole thing will be like all hands on deck, do you know what i mean. i just feel like when you start
11:55 pm
digging up graves and young people vote because that guy can't be president it's not okay, it's not okay. >> okay. i think hillary can get te=umanywhere as long as she tes them from bill clinton's phone. >> i was watching bill clinton earlier, it looks like he's using -- i don't know if he's texting anybody anywhere. he looks tired, sounds like a lumber jack. >> i think he's having a game. >> any time you put on the full lumber jack you're kind of done. >> i got to get your reaction on rubio. i got to show you this. i don't know why, people call him a robot because he keeps saying the same thing over and over. we talk board of director this the other day. can we show that. >> our children grow up with the values they teach in our church, not the values being rammed down
11:56 pm
our throat by hollywood. the values they keep trying to ram down our throats. ram down our throats. you're not going to be able to ram down. the president should not be ramming down the throat of the american people. i'm not going to ram it down anyone's throat. >> larry: he said it again today. he said it. >> i'm good with it. i say bring it on iraq yoarks i' -- rubio,i'm used to sucking. the guy's got cuban blood, what can you say. you know how those guys are. do i have to bring up desi arnaz. the half time they taped lucy was the only time of day her mouth wasn't full. >> larry: oh mycv god. [laughter] look, that's very funny. >> thank you. you'll see, come on. >> come on. >> an icon will be able to do
11:57 pm
blow job jokes with lucy. >> larry: one last question, okay. people talked a lot about authenticity in this election. you were an on the campaign tra. who passed the smell test. >> yes, i was out on the road following all the candidates for my new special on hulu. thank you. hulu. >> larry: a lot of hulu fans. >> the same network with the same commercials you love. >> larry: all right. >> the smell test. they all failed. not one candidate smelled like poop. you would think this christie's a shoe-in, right. [bleep] i think the guy must run through a car washington washington a . jeb bush i saw him on the trail and he is aw authentic.
11:58 pm
he really is that authentic. >> larry: all right. thanks everybody. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] some of football's greatest heroes we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] were recently invited to a special advanced screening of one of the most inspirational films in years, "eddie the eagle". the movie's amazing. russell: you really see the importance of never giving up. it's truly a remarkable story. drew: if you love movies like drew: "hoosiers", "rudy" and "remember the titans", drew: you should see "eddie the eagle". it doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter what you've accomplished. kurt: this movie shows it's never too late kurt: to be who you want to be. russell: eddie showed the world. if you never jump, you'll never fly. yeah! man,puppymonkeybaby...l tonight. puppymonkeybaby... ♪ puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby...
11:59 pm
mountain dew kickstart. dew. juice. caffeine. to try to make you think to use tiny red balls they had a much better network. but there's one big thing they left out. the new sprint lte plus network delivers faster download speeds than verizon, at&t and t-mobile,
12:00 am
based on data from an independent third party. that's because we've been obsessed with building the network of the future. and to celebrate, we're cutting their rates in half. switch to sprint and save 50% on most verizon, at&t and t-mobile rates. you get the new lte plus network and we'll cover your costs to switch, up to $650 per line. only from sprint. (troublehearing on the phone, visit >> larry: thanks to my panelists. rory albanese and mike yard and triumph the insult comic dog. we're almost out of time. tonight's question is from at 5280 until i die. they have lady gaga's national anthem or bay yaw beyonce's for. beyonce. she's done it before. she's with other people. lady gaga crushed it. i'm going with lady gaga. thanks a lot.
12:01 am
>> larry: thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. goodnightly, everyone! >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter! megalomaniac and fashionable sun god, kanye west, has found a name for his album. tloe. -- tlop. abbreviation stands for will get tickets to his fashion show and a free pair of his $300 shoes. there hasn't been a rap sweepstakes this big since. sir mix-a-lot offered a tour of his butt factory to anyone who found the golden g-string. everyone loves free stuff, so, comedians, what do you think kanye's new album "t.l.o.p." stands for?


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on