tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 10, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PST
we're doing the right thing. i want to talk about shame. see, there's a big difference between shame and regret. i once dated a guy who was a white, vegan, comedy rapper. do i regret it?
absolutely. but am i ashamed? no, he was the best lesbian relationship of my life. we need to own the sexual choices we make. like this couple at a buffalo bills game. i love this. there is no shame here. i'm jealous of the story this girl has. she got to tell her friends, "hey, remember that bills game? derek had his finger in my ass the whole time." and they're like, "for real? bitch, he shared my popcorn!"
but the point is you should make the world your buffalo bills game, 'cause life is short and sex is fun, so get out there and take some chances. if
you want to be weird, be weird. because you don't want your dying words to be, "i should've done butt stuff in that burger king bathroom." i say carpe do 'em. good night, pervs. [ cheers and applause ] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> trevor: welcome! welcome to "the daily show"! i am trevor noah! thank you so much. tonight we have a performance from an amazing soul band. the suffers are here, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first, the results are now in from new hampshire's primary, and we don't know what they are because we record this show at 6:00, but the winners are -- bernie and trump! unless i'm wrong. (laughter) you wanted to clap but you weren't sure if it was bernie or trump. it's, i'm going to -- wait! which one is my clap going to? (laughter) the big question is how did the candidates spend time in the state? by pandering to new hampshire's number one cultural institution. if you want to win new hampshire you have to make it rain in the dunkin'. >> hillary clinton making a stop at manchester dunkin' donuts. >> with rubio here in new hampshire, his wife and
children looking for a snack. >> we're going to dunkin' donuts. >> according to boston.com hillary clinton spent nearly $1,900 in dunk danger. >> jeb bush just over $400, bernie sanders in third at $230. >> donald trump only spent $10! (applause) >> trevor: hillary clinton bought $1,900 worth of donuts! wow, she hasn't seen that much dough since her last speech to goldman sacks. the only within trump spent $10 is he stole all the donuts from jeb. speaking of jeb, this is my favorite part of the whole thingers and this is real. a real instagram posted by the bush campaign of jeb working the dunkin' donuts drive-through in new hampshire. that's him! which means he's reiter really determined to win the presidency or he's just getting ready for the job he's actually going to end up with after this. (laughter) but as we head further and further into the primaries, you realize two things are
happening -- the party infighting increases and what each party's candidates are fighting about gets very particular. a perfect example of this reared its head at the saturday night g.o.p. debates. >> senator cruz, some of the other candidates say they don't think waterboarding is torture. if elected president, would you bring it back? >> i would not in any sort of widespread use, but when it comes to keeping this country safe, you can rest assured that as commander-in-chief i would use whatever enhanced interrogation methods we could to keep this country safe. >> trevor: so you would bring it back. (laughter) i mean, that's what he's saying. i love how ted cruz is talking about torture like it's the mcrib -- i'm not bringing it back in any sort of widespread use but if america needs it then yum-yum yum-yum yum-yum yum-yum! (laughter) this is insane. you realize ted cruz says he'd waterboard in some situations which in itself is crazy because it's torture.
and it was a position that seemed pretty far out for about ten seconds. >> i'd bring about waterboarding and a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding. (laughter) >> trevor: donald trump is like a really evil little kid -- oh, yeah? i'll bring back double-waterboarding! who's your dad?! this may sound like another one of trump's vague campaign promises but his plans for torturing detainees are quite specific. he plans to round up people from all over the world, deny food for days on end, force them to shave their hair, strip them to their underwear, make them parade around in front of people and subject them to harsh interrogation about their beliefs on the world and even if they fully cooperate, after they've been released, someone would say, i'm so sorry, there's been a mistake, i'm so, so
sorry, you have to go back in. (laughter) so for trump and cruz, the question is should the u.s. conduct torture or more torture. both positions are fairly extreme, but as donald trump keeps showing, only one can be the extreme-est. >> the other night at the debate they asked ted cruz a serious question, what do you think of waterboarding, is it okay? honestly ixd thought he would sy absolutely. he didn't. a terrible thing. she just said a terrible thing. shout it out. she said he's a pussy. >> trevor: that's terrible. terrible that i didn't think of that. speech writer, you're fired! he's happy about that! donald trump, this is so insane... donald trump, the leader of the republican presidential race is basically calling ted cruz a torture pussy, and the crazy part is he's still probably going to win tonight.
and you heard the crowd. the crowd was going crazy. you know, it's a little frightening. it makes you wonder who are the people who go to these trump rallies and cheer when he says these crazy things? oh, dear god! >> he said he's a pussy. (cheers and applause) >> whoo! >> trevor: disappointment, my ash, we'll be right back.
i take prilosec otc each morning for my frequent heartburn because you can't beat zero heartburn! ahhh the sweet taste of victory! prilosec otc. one pill each morning. 24 hours. zero heartburn. we broabout this new car. to get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology.
it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ fruit. nuts. silky smooth dark chocolate. revel in the pleasure of new dove® fruit and nut. now there's simply ageless liquid makeup it helps you look younger in three ways. so in the future when you're older you look younger. simply ageless from olay... and easy, breezy... ... beautiful covergirl (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." now, before the break, we were chatting about how the republicans are fighting over which vote makes you less of a pussy. if you just joined, google republican pussy. now, it's a little bit different
on the democrat side because democrats are fighting over something completely different, which vote is friendlier to vaginas. women are a key group in their primary, and this election, equal pay, maternity leave and planned parenthood funding are huge issues. at first, you'd think the idea of first female president would be exciting for women voters but turns out not all feel that way. >> young women love bernie sanders. >> young female voters seem to be flocking to the bernie sanders' camp. >> look at these margins, 87% of women 18-34 years old are leaning toward sanders whereas just 9% towards hillary clinton. >> trevor: move over, george clooney! there is a new silver fox in town! bernie is so popular with young women, he's going to be president and replace zayn in one direction! (laughter) so like an axe chew ware on the
last day of burning man, hillary is scrambling to pick up young women, a tough spot, so he brought in the big guns. unfortunately didn't go as planned. >> gloria steinem is having to backpedal this morning after she suggested young women are supporting bernie sanders in the democratic presidential race so they can meet boys. >> women are more for her than young men. >> trevor: but young women are more for bernie. >> steinem tried to explain women become more politically active as at a get older. >> whey you're young you're thinking where are the boys? the boys are with bernie -- >> trevor: oh, no! that's terrible because the boys are thinking, where are the girls, so they go to the hillary rallies. and the girls will be at the bernie rallies looking for the boys, so they're not going to find each other! and that means my parents will have never met! no!
(applause) oh, wait, wait. i'm not in past. anyway, to gloria steinem inadvertently threw shade at young bernie supporters. worse, last week, hillary was endorsed by madeline albright. if you don't know, madeline albright was the first female secretary of state. she was a u.s. ambassador and couldn't be more inspiring to young women, then she said this... >> we can tell our story about how we climbed the ladder and a lot of you younger women think it's been done. it's not done and you have to help. hillary clinton will always be there for you, and just remember there is a special place in hell for women who don't help each other. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: what! everyone is laughing about hell? what? a special place in hell?
talk about feeling the burn! (laughter) the funny thing, is i bet there are a lot of guys who would be, like, hmm, tell me more about this special place for women, and how do i get in? you're, like, but -- no, it's hell, it doesn't matter. so gloria steinem implied women should vote for hillary because they're women. berne's female supporters see it differently. >> i'm on the bad side of a lot of women now for supporting bernie, and my line is always i don't vote with my vagina, which is so insulting to women to think that you would follow a candidate just because she's a woman. >> trevor: well, to be fair, i'm sure most women don't support hillary just because she's a woman. they support her because she's a woman who supports policies that help women. if they want a woman who supports policies that hurt women, they'd vote for carly fiorina. for more we turn to senior
correspondent jessica williams reporting live from bernie sanders'. what's the mood like? >> oh, i don't know, nervous, a little excited. i have butterflies in my stomach. am i blushing right now? >> trevor: i guess there is a glow about you. why? what's going on? >> my hormones are what's going on, trevor! they're all over the place! didn't you hear gloria steinem? it's a bernie rally, trevor! this is where all the boys are! >> trevor: i can't tell you if you're being serious. >> oh, yeah, i'm being so serious. this place is crawling with college studs reeking of body spray, have no clue how to do their own laundry and eat cereal for every meal. how cute is that? >> trevor: you're into that? of course, i'm not made of stone. i have needs! listen to the messages these guys vending on tinder.
so witty. damn, girl, i'll fill your income gap any day of the week! >> here's another one. as a socialist, my penis is too big not to share, yummy! like, right! trevor, i cannot let guys like this get away, not in this climate. >> trevor: but you get susan sarandon's notion women shouldn't vote with their vaginas. >> trevor, what else will i vote with? that's right, these things aren't just made for popping out babies, they're like third hands. i know guys can pea standing up but big (bleep) deal, i can pull a lever with this bad bitch! rr! >> trevor: i get it, you're annoyed people keep dragging gender into this? >> thank you for catching up. the sexism is annoying but it is so diminishing of women to accuse other women of supporting
hillary because she's a woman. i worship beyonce because we're both super hot and we both should get our nighs insured. >> trevor: so you agree with the hillary supporters? >> no, both sides are straight-up booty now because it's diminishing for women to tell other women they're obligated to vote for hillary because, you know, we all have vaginas. we as women need to remember we all want one thing and it's michelle obama's arms. but also, seriously, we want the freedom to vote for who we want to regardless of what our husbands or wives or friends say about it. and you know what? while i'm at it, since i'm here, no tax on tampons, how about that? i'm going to throw that in there. yeah, i said it. i know that's not what this chat is about. i know that's not the issue at hand. i just can't believe i would have to stand here and say it. >> trevor: thank you, jessica williams, everyone. we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) folks, you can't make this stuff up. four bandits chose a prius as their getaway car.
bravo-niner, in pursuit of a toyota prius. over. how hard is it to catch a prius? over. this thing is actually pretty fast. over. very funny. ♪ oh look, a farmer's market. we should get some flowers for the car. yeah! holly! toyota. let's go places. hey nithanks. today. juicy fruit? sure i'll try a piec.... juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew. intronly available for aous, newlimited time by me...en.
ahhhhhhh!!! same dream? some fake colonel, pretending to be, but i'm me! so only i can introduce kfc's delicious, new nashville hot chicken. with a spicy, smoky flavor, only available for a limited time, by me, colonel sanders. i know dear. [gasp] [ominous music] it's finger lickin' good! listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. it's an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. listerine® total care. one bottle, six benefits. power to your mouth™. some of football's greatest heroes were recently invited to a special advanced screening of one of the most inspirational films in years, "eddie the eagle". the movie's amazing. russell: you really see the importance of never giving up. it's truly a remarkable story. drew: if you love movies like drew: "hoosiers", "rudy" and "remember the titans", drew: you should see "eddie the eagle".
it doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter what you've accomplished. kurt: this movie shows it's never too late kurt: to be who you want to be. russell: eddie showed the world. if you never jump, you'll never fly. yeah! wright here, shock top. big citrus head, flavorful beer. is that real? look at that beard man like a modern day abe lincoln. you wanna take me and my refreshing friends? we ride? ya? let's party. let's do it. shotgun, called it. you got shotgun? alright. around the world, around the clock. in defense of all we hold dear back home. with advil, you'll ask what backache? what sore wrist? what headache? what bad shoulder? advil makes pain a distant memory. nothing works faster
♪ ♪ hold my hand ♪ i'll make those eggs overeasy ♪ ♪ just the way you like ♪ give my hips that grip ♪ that lets me know that you need me ♪ ♪ life doesn't always, always have to be so hard ♪ ♪ so let's just try to get it right at the start ♪ ♪ can we hang a little ♪ just love a little ♪ won't you hold on to me? ♪ won't you just hang a little? ♪ ♪ just love a little ♪ won't you hold on to me?
♪ when i'm looking in the mirror ♪ ♪ trying to point out what's wrong ♪ ♪ that's when you walk up behind and you say you've loved me all along, yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ life doesn't always, always have to be so hard ♪ ♪ so why don't we try and get it right at the start ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ hang a little ♪ just love a little ♪ won't you hold on to me? ♪ won't you just hang a little? ♪ ♪ love a little
♪ won't you hold on to me? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ why can't we just go hang? ♪ you know, like the way we used to? ♪ ♪ why can't we just go hang? ♪ just like the way we used to? ♪ ♪ why can't we just go hang? ♪ hang a little ♪ just love a little ♪ won't you hold on to me ♪ yeah, baby, hold on to me ♪ yeah, you're all i need ♪ so why don't you hold on to me ♪ ♪ you're all i need ♪ so why don't you hold on to me ♪
♪ yeah, hold on to me ♪ you're all i need ♪ hold on to me ♪ you're all i need ♪ hold on to me ♪ . ♪ ♪ ♪ why don't we just go hang? ♪ the way we used to ♪ why can't we just go hang? ♪ you know, like the way we used to? ♪ ♪ why can't we just go hang? ♪ just like the way we used to? ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) come on! don't drop your phone, drop your network. bring your phone to cricket wireless. we have more 4g lte coverage nationwide than t-mobile or sprint. cricket wireless. something to smile about.
kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors? (mmm...) (mmm...) (zipper noise) (zipper noise) (baby rattle shaking) juicy fruit so sweet you can't help but chew. we stop arthritis pain, so you don't have to stop. because you believe in go. onward. today's the day. carpe diem. tylenol® 8hr arthritis pain has two layers of pain relief. the first is fast. the second lasts all day. we give you your day back. what you do with it is up to you. tylenol®.
adventures from $599, plus up to $300 to spend at sea. come seek the royal caribbean. book now, offer ends soon. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! we're here with the suffers, which sounds like a torture name. but that's not where the name came from, right? >> no, it's not. it's a reference to an old
jamaican movie called "rockers." in that film, the artists are actually the suffers. the major labels aren't doing what they could be to make sure they get their just deserves. i feel like as artists we have been working so long with no reward or attention until recently, this is pretty cool. that wasn't really what we were in it for. we were in it for the love of the music, but it hits a certain point where if people are going to make a dollar off of you, that dollar should go to you. >> trevor: you are self-funded, no label, which i don't think will last for very long, no label. you kick started everything yourself and your album is coming out this friday. >> yes, it is. >> trevor: very impressive! the suffers self-titled debut album will be in stores friday.
to play us out with "midtown," please welcome the suffers. (cheers and applause) ♪ let's go back to that bar off mcgowen we used to love ♪ ♪ with deep red painted walls, white frames, and old glass surrounding us ♪ ♪ how's your life now? ♪ did you marry that girl that you talked about? ♪ ♪ i hope you made it real ♪ because sometimes i can't lie ♪ ♪ i wish it was me ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ do you ever wanna go back ♪ go back ♪ to you and me?
♪ 'cuz sometimes i wanna go back, go back to you and me! ♪ ♪ did you ever think to go back ♪ ♪ go back ♪ to you and me? ♪ it's been years now ♪ if i were to guess, maybe three or five ♪ ♪ has she been good to you? ♪ did she fix you, mold you, change your life? ♪ ♪ does she do all those things that i would not do ♪ ♪ i'm forever unsure, but i need to get beyond you ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh
♪ do you ever wanna go back, go back to you and me? ♪ ♪ 'cause sometimes i need to go back, go back to you and me ♪ ♪ did you ever think to go back, go back to you and me? ♪ ♪ let's go back to that bar off mcgowen we used to love ♪ ♪ with deep red painted walls, white frames, and old glass surrounding us ♪ ♪ did you ever learn that i [cheers and applause]