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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  February 11, 2016 9:00am-9:37am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central thank you. >> larry: ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. thank you. please, please have a seat. thank you very much. please. people are so excited because it's jasper's 18th birthday, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) big 1-8. that's why we're all here
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tonight. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. big election news tonight, you guys, so let's see what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ ♪ sorry, that's my favorite song. all right, new hampshire, who lived free and who dies? >> i want to congratulate the other candidates, okay? now that i got that over with, we are going to start winning again, and we're going to win so much, you are going to be so happy. thank you. thank you, new hampshire. thank you. we are going now to south carolina! ( laughter ) >> larry: oh, my god, donald. are you okay? your face is getting so dark, if you're not careful, you're going to get deported by donald trump! it's going to happen. you better be careful. but seriously, seriously,
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congratulations, mcnamee. new hampshire. you done lost your damn mind. you've selected a guy with no experience, no tolerance, no substance, and whose policy ideas are as underdeveloped as his microscopic lilliputian hands. google it. the man has tiny hands. but trump wasn't the only big winner out of new hampshire. the other big winner was this loser. >> a dig surprise was john kasich finishing second with 16th. >> john kasich used a releaptlessly upbeat message to outdistance better funded, better known candidates. >> tonight, the light overcame the darkness of the campaign. >> larry: no, it didn't! you lost to a guy who called his closeet competitor a pussy the day before the primary! the light is curled up on the ground and the darkness is currently kicking it in the
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nuts! there was an opening for kasich because of marco rubio's awful performance at saturday's debate. but don't worry. rubio has heard your notes. >> i'm disappointed in tonight. our disappointment tonight is not on you. it's on me. it's on me. i did not-- i did not do well on saturday night. so listen to this. that will never happen again. >> larry: fun fact: that soundbite is ten times more fun if you imagine he's sitting up in bed saying the exact same thing. >> i'm disappointed in tonight. our disappointment tonight is not on you. it's on me. i did not-- i did not do well on saturday night. so listen to this. that will never happen again. >> larry: true, true. speaking of a campaign with e.d., jeb-sclamation point only got 11% of the vote, so he's now spent $84 million, including his super pac, for three delegates. that's $28 million a delegate. i'm sure jeb never thought he'd have a harder time finding
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voters than his brother did finding w.m.d.s. >> please clap. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: oh, investigate. well, thanks for putting that in there, jeb. >> that's what she said. >> larry: oh. that actually is what she said, thank you. so what happened on the democratic side? >> bernie sanders swamped hillary clinton in the democratic primary. sanders got 60% of the vote and clinton received 38%. >> larry: wooo! ( applause ) man! wow! new hampshire is feeling the bern, and for once, it's not caused by the needles they're sharing as part of the state's heroin epidemic. yeah, yeah, like i did that ( bleep ). yeah. i don't put that in people's arms. that is a clear and decisive victory, you guys. i mean, hillary, oh, my god, she must have been-- she must have
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been pretty bummed in her concession speech. >> my goodness, this is a pretty exciting event. and i'm very grateful to all of you. >> larry: that doesn't sound like a speech from someone who lost new hampshire. i just remembered why. she actually didn't lose. see the democrats-- this is so cool-- no, really, they have this cool system-- you're going to love this, new hampshire-- where votes get turned into delegates, and these delegates go on to the democratic national convention and vote for the actual candidate. and based on the system-- here's what actually happened last night in new hampshire. so bernie won 60% of the popular vote, which translates into him recieving 15 delegates. and hillary's 38% finish gets her nine delegates. okay, that math makes sense. winner gets the most. but this is 'murica math. right? you see, the democrats have two
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classes of delegates, and the second class is called super delegates. yeah. now, these badass delegates are political party insiders who can vote for anyone they want, at any time. it's like the difference between a funk railroad and a grand funk railroad. one is just better. and so, if you add in the super delegates, the final tally looks like this. hillary got six and bernie got none. yeah. so now that gives 38% vote- count hillary a grand total of 15 delegates, while 60% vote-getter bernie now gets 15. yeah. he stays at 15. which essentially makes last night's loser the american voters. come on, everbody. u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! so despite getting trounced in
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the popular vote, hillary walks out even closer to winning the nomination. that's like saying the carolina panthers really tied the super bowl because that field goal they kicked was actually a super field goal worth 14 extra points. you can go ( bleep ) yourself. >> that's what she said! ( cheers and applause ) u.s.a.! u.s.a.! denver broncos. so congratulations, bernie! because even though you technically tied the state that you technically won, you actually did win something, because while not winning while winning, you've proven your campaign's central thesis, that the entire american system is rigged. so what do we do? listen, the only way to break this system is if the people stand up and say "enough is enough." so go out there and vote, because your vote matters. (whispers) your vote doesn't matter. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hi, i'm jordan carlos keeping black history 100 for "the
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nightly show." renowed architect paul r. williams was the first black man inducted into the american institute of architects, and due to segregation black people were barred from buying most of his homes. thanks a lot, jim crow! and happy black history month! a bull rider is bold. now a bull rider jumping from a plane ...while eating a crispety, crunchety butterfinger bar... ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...now that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan,
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king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? case in point: our handcrafted at skydiving chamber.lways down for more... refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ding! hot pockets!
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besides, if it weren't for wires, how would cousin tobias get his privacy? hey - shut the blanket! i need my privacy! (vo) don't be a settler. get a $100 visa prepaid card when you switch to directv. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. there's been a lot of talk the last few weeks about oscars so white, but recently, a girl from new jersey noticed something else was so white, as well. >> her name is marley dias. when this special little girl from new jersey noticed that none of the books she was assigned to in her 5th grade reading class, they ever featured little girls who actually looked like her. >> larry: wow. i don't know which is more surprising-- that there weren't books that looked like her, or that there are books in new jersey. kidding, new jersey! i'm kidding! now, this is the kind of story we love to cover on our show, because this underdog tackled this real problem in an incredible way. get this-- marley told her mom she was "sick of reading about white boys and dogs." ( laughter )
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welcome to my world, marley. welcome to my world. but to fix the problem, marley started a book drive called "one thousand black girl books." and her goal was to collect a thousand books about black girls, and she did it! now she's donating the books to her school, as well as a school in jamaica, so that black girls everywhere can enjoy books about themselves, too. and because the campaign was such a success, she's not stopping there. the more books she gets, the more she'll give to schools all over new jersey. she's like the johnny appleseed of books not about johnny appleseed. ( laughter ) but this girl is so inspirational that we couldn't think of a better ending to this story than to talk to marley herself. so please welcome marley dias! ( cheers and applause ) marley! hey, marley! have a seat right here. alsoom. so great to you have here. >> thank you. >> larry: such a cool story. you were reading story about
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white boys and their dogs. >> yes. >> larry: so explain how that inspired you. >> i was reading "how the red fern" grows, and i read "oldieler." >> larry: "old yeller" is really, really sad. >> and i read with a boy who saves money to away a dog to hunt, and the other is about a boy who finds a dog and uses him on a farm, and old yeller was about a boy who found a dog and used him on the farm. when i went home and read the books you wanted to about black girls, sometimes i was reading about a girl who went to africa. it was always different. it was never the same plot i was hearing over and over. >> larry: and these books weren't in your schools. >> they weren't in my schools yes. >> larry: your name is marley. were you named after bob marley? >> yes, my mother is jamaican, so she named me after bob
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marley. >> larry: it's ironic to me that there's actually a movie called "marley and me" about a white boy and his dog. >> i know. >> larry: have you ever thought of collecting 1,000 moviees and giving them out to schools. >> yes. >> larry: why do you think it is important to read a book with someone who is like you? what was it that really made important to you? >> it really was because when you read a story about a person that you can connect with, like, you host a tv show, so if you were to read a book about a black man who hosts a tv show you would remember whatever he learned and use it on the show. ( laughter ). >> larry: could you go collect some of those books, maybe? >> yes! >> larry: because could the black late-night host is a dog? >> maybe. >> larry: how surprised were you that there were so many books. how many books did you collect? >> about one how. >> larry1,000.>> they pushed reu to learn all that stuff, but when you get older books become scarce and you only read
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normally one type. i was like, whoa. i didn't know i was missing out on so many books in my school. when i get older i have to read book club books about white boys and their dogs and it becomes, all my day. >> larry: i bet there's a book club out there, there's a white boy book club. today's book, white i do boyand his dog. >> larry: what was the reaction with your classmates? >> they've been really proud of me. >> larry: oh, cool. >> they have been high-fiving me saying, congrats on your 1,000. i hope you get 1,000 more. >> larry: have there been white boys congratulating you? >> yes, they have, because sometimes they're sick of reading those stories. >> larry: that's hilarious. finally! finally, a different story! that's great. ( applause ) now, it's interesting because i love the selflessness of what you're doing. >> thank you. >> larry: you're getting all these books and you're giving them all away, you know, finding homes for them. have you ever found any books that you really wanted to keep or hang on to?
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>> yes. like half of them. >> larry: do you ever secretly put them under your bed? >> maybe. >> larry: really, seriously? >> yeah ys. >> larry: it's just between us. >> yes. >> larry: what was one of your favorites? >> my favorite i have read it's "brown girl dream. it's a book in poetry form about a girl who lives i lives in 196d 70s. >> larry: that's awesome. you we like to keep it a hundred here on the show-- or as i like to say, keep it a hhhunnnit. we're giving you the keep it hhunnit award. on behalf of "the nightly show," i would like to present to you the first ever golden hhhunnit award.
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on behalf "the nightly show," weak tea. please give it to them. marley dias, everybody. >> thank you. >> larry: marley, thank you so much. thank you so much for joining us. thanks for being here. we'll be right back, everybody. oh, by the way -- >> oh, my gosh! >> oh, my gosh! that's awesome.
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i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. this is violet. she's been waiting for this moment for awhile. a moment other kids wouldn't think twice about. her first bowl of cheerios. because now that cheerios are gluten free, violet, and many others are enjoying their first bowl today.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor, jordan carlos. ( cheers and applause ) "nightly show" contributor, grace parra. ( cheers and applause ) and he's one of the stars of hbo's sitcom "silicon valley," and you can see him in the new movie "deadpool" which opens this friday, february 12, comedian and actor, t.j. miller. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on
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twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. all right, guys, so the new hampshire primary happened last night. let's face it, it was an unprecedented election to say the least. and here's what the "daily news" ran. can you show that? that's great. >> yes. >> larry: that's fantastic. what was the biggest surprise, trump or sanders? >> i think the biggest surprise is that he looks better in that photograph than real life. his face is less red. >> more attractive what way. >> we all thought this was funny for so long. i remember when hoe first started running, i was like, yeah, let's watch this. and then now, it's not funny anymore. >> larry: i think america is starting to throw up in their mouth right now. >> yeah i've never been waterboard but i imagine it's similar to this. >> yeah. >> larry: the establishment doesn't even care for him, the republican establishment. >> it's start not to matter and the reason is because the fear mongering he does is very
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effective. he's vague, america's wrong. i'm not going to tell you how to fix it. i know how to do that. look, look over there, it's a building. my name's on it. don't worry. don't worry. so he's scaring the country, but he's saying i'm going to help you. i'm going to lower the tax. and so he's getting this brain dead nation air, big section of it, to sort of get behind it. and our problem is if hillary can and bernie don't run together can either of them beat-- that's kate's idea, my wife's. >> larry: who is the better at the nomination, trump or sanders? who has the better shot? >> i think they both have a good shot. but bernie having a good shot makes meantime to bring children on to the planet. >> i think for bernie it's like the democratic, you know, establishment is just tougher on him. he's going to have a harder obstacle there. >> larry: how do you think he'll do in the south, jordan? >> how do i think he'll do in the south? okay. i feel like-- but then again, i
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don't think donald trump will do a great job getting latinos, you know, like getting their vote. >> no. >> larry: who do you think has a better shot at latinos, trump or sanders? >> sanders! >> you can't be like -- >> i never believe this ( bleep ) until i see it, guys. i'm sorry. >> you can't, like neil straussen, nag somebody, be like, "mexicans are racists. can i have your vote now?" that's not going to work. >> america is a woman, trump is this complete asshole, and all these americans are kind of like, oh, he's drug drus. what's his problem? i want him to like me. maybe i should sleep with him sooner. >> he's broken inside and all he want is to coddle him. >> larry: that's horrible, you guys! that's horrible! wake this woman up! quickly! get her some help! >> can hillary get the young voters i think is another
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problem? i think sanders has a much better chance -- >> if hillary gets the nomination, those young voters are going to rally around her, right? >> i hope so. i read today in the "los angeles times," some people said i wouldn't vote for hillary clinton, but i guess i'll vote for trump. so many people-- >> i don't understand that. >> it's how fractured the democratic party is -- >> people going back and forth between sanders and trump. i don't understand that at all. they really were. they were like, "i was thinking about sanders, but i'll vote for trump." >> they're not worried about policy or platform. they're not. trump hasn't told us what it is. he hasn't told us that he happens to have woon but he knows we can make america agreement again and it's broken now. bernie sanders and he both do something that is refreshing and important. they sort of speak from the heart. trump's heart is black and ice cold. and actually, actually, it's probably almost as-- his face is red. his heart is black.
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>> devil heart. >> he really is sort of-- he's speak and telling it like it is. ask that's refreshing. and then sanders is doing the same thing. some people are like, "i just don't want to vote for this auto maton hillary clinton. she's not charismatic. we have two fresh faces and one face that smiles like-- you know. i worry if hillary does get-- if she's the one running, she'll alienate enough young voter voto go to trump that he could actually be the president of the united states. >> stop it! >> yeah, that's the idea. don't talk about it. it won't happen. we have to talk about it now. >> larry: do you think trump is resinating out there more in america than sanders is? abuse because these are the two candidates resinating the most, truch and sanders. >> they are. >> larry: of those two who is resinating most with just your normal american-- >> trump is more famous. trump is more famous. >> larry: that's true. a lot of people vote for him
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because he is famous. >> i think that compassion that bernie is giving to all of us, every time he speaks, like the speech on independence day when bill pullep is getting us all together, "we will not go lightly into the night." i love it. every time he speaks, i love the passion! >> larry: we'll be right back. (brian)i'm brian. i was in the military for 18 years. i joined the service so i could serve my country and see the world. but i smoked. and i got heart disease. so a lot of the world i got to see looked like this. my tip is; it's hard to serve your country when you're too weak to put on your uniform. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now.
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watching tvs get sharper, you've had it tough. bigger, smugger. and you? rubbery buttons. enter the x1 voice remote. now when someone says... show me funny movies. watch discovery. record this. voila. remotes, come out from the cushions, you are back. the x1 voice remote is here. ( cheers and applause ) thanks to my pammists. a special thanks to marley dias for being here. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. it's from @cirkoolio. is that what it is. they ask: "you can silence one candidate for good, but their voice becomes your voice. ( bleep ). oh, my god. who do i choose i can't talk
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like trump forever. that would be horrible. who do i want to sound like? >> rubio? >> larry: all right, cruz. and then i'll talk like this for the rest of my life. thanks for watching, don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. good nightly, everyone. i kept it 100! hand it to me!
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central . >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. our guest tonight here is talk about her new hbo show "vinyl," olivia wilde, everybody. (applause) but let's get right into it. we all saw what happened last night and i'm not going to lie, it blew my mind it blew my mind to think that that guy wants to be president. i mean between his ego, his devicive, purposefully inflammatory statements, it's insane that he still has supporters. honestly, i don't know what to say at this point. i just-- i mean i don't know

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