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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 12, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. happened on leading authority for hip steres to invade lonely planet show just named philadelphia the number one travel destination in the united states. well done, philly. (applause). >> chris: there you go. i can't think of a better place to go here is their glowing review. >> nyc more neighborly neighbor is experiencing a transformation
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to its urban corement neighborhoods like fishtown are being reinvigorated by a new wave of philadelphiaians. >> chris: in other words, buckle the [bleep] up mom and pop deli, we will strip away everything that makes you interesting except your vintage signs and replace it with yarn stores and high end dog boutiques. (applause) but yeah, i mean listen i'm not trying to start [bleep] but every time i see a lonely planet, one of the lonely planet books i feel like in parenthesis, i should go shh, white people, this is where you can go. it is kind of what it feels like. and now this town, this little neighborhood that used to have a lot of culture is going to be hipster central. next thing they will see the liberty bell grooming its mustache in the mirror of a bathroom of a beercade. what are other ways philadelphia
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will change with this envision of brorlly hip steres go. >> i believe philadelphia world famous love park is going to change their name to netflix and chill park. >> chris: yeah, i think so too, definitely. and that's going to be horrifying, brian posehn. >> the rocky statue now has cut off shorts and a [bleep] beard. (applause). >> chris: matt mira. >> all philadelphia cheese steaks will now be served on small batch handcrafted man buns. >> chris: perfect! its' time to start "@midnight". captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwickment tonight's comedians are from comic book man sundays on a m.c. kevin smith is back on the program. (applause) fantastic. performing at the bur bown theater in nebraska february 19th. coauthor of 45 issues of
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deadpool comics brian posehn. deadpool sponsoring comedy central and this show but i would say in all sin certificatity and even if they weren't sponsoring, moderating the deadpool panel at comic-con last year was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. because everyone expected "star wars" to be big. everyone expected all the fox movies to be big, fox marvel movies. but when the deadpool trailer showed and all the nerds were like please don't [bleep] thup and they saw the trailer, it was like oh my [bleep] god! like it was the most incredible experience. >> i remember hi an unassisted, o orgasm. >> i was hands up. >> chris: you're going hands free. and also on the program you can catch him on almost every pod cast except for serial, so far. matt mira.
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(applause) all right now it's time to suck the mar owe from the skeleton of our democracy. it's panderdome. here's the list of the most politically political trendable topics on the internet, first up billary, it's not easy being hillary clinton and blazing new ground as the first android to run for president. but when things get tough the hair sprayed alpha aunt can turn to her husband. watch this. >> my job is sometimes when i'm on a place like this i wish we weren't and then i could say what i really think. >> chris: what does he mean. >> he has become a crazy old man. >> chris: and they cut back to the moderator real fast. could you feel the room be like what did he-- they cut away. nothing to see here. that is [bleep] ridiculous that he said that about his wife. is he not even looking up, he dunts even give a [bleep] any more because he is about to
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shall-- the whole truth. she leaves the toilet seat up. a hundred points to kevin smith. >> i get phantom pains imagining the stare he got for that from across the room. >> they don't look at each other any more. >> chris: well, matt, you may be right but we do have a picture of the two of them standing together right there. >> no eye contact. >> chris: no eye contact. team clinton instagrammed a private moment of hillary whispering to her husband's ear while this guy back here looks like he is waiting for some kind of black friday at best buy. right there. comedians, what is she whispering in bill's ear? brian. >> . >> points. >> i'm losing to a jew?
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>> chris: kevin. >> i like to whip, i like to nae nae. >> chris: points, perfect. on to our next topic breakfast at carly's. it was a sad 7th place new hampshire primary finish for dee snider cloan carly fiorina. before you get upset about that, then i suggest that she looked like the lead singer of twisted sister, look at this. i mean i don't-- (applause) i mean i'm just, it's an objective fact. just an objective fact. i wasn't being mean, i was just pointing out a thing in nature, right? >> you're going to burn in hell. >> chris: she is crazy and dee is snot. all right. come on, come on! hello! >> chris: thank you. >> points. >> chris: thank you. all right, now fiorina ended her campaign but not before visiting a busy cafe to see her fans. like this woman who didn't want to stop having breakfast here
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the entire time. >> there she is. (laughter). >> chris: yup. they don't give a [bleep] attitude in photo shop which of the following breat works the a. the last sirp, b, the mondaya lisa, c a beyonce music video. >> she is eating so it's got to be the last is upper. >> chris: that's good logic on your part and you are right. here she is. (applause) >> it just looks like she's just really pissed off that bread is unlevinned. you don't think she's eating the holy tooty fresh n fruitie breakfast. but have i to say we were bummed the other two didn't exist so our digital pod did what they do best which is to make our dreams come true. see what they cooked up. i work hard ♪
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(applause). >> chris: i don't know why they didn't just make the video that way. on to our next topic. basketball. after a decisive victory in new hampshire democratic primary frazzled old west saloon keeper bernie sanders celebrated by shooting some hoops. here he is. >> the campaign headquarters as the victory party he is playing hoops with his two adult sons and he's making some shot there. >> is this some kind of a joke. he's making every single one. >> chris: et cetera's a regular labern james. bernie sanders pretty good at layups, amazing at lay-downs. so comedians, what came over this rising star. matt mira. >> the san antonio bone spurs.
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they need to draft someone young tore replace tim duncan. >> chris: points. i will take your word for that. brian. >> philadelphia 1876ers. >> chris: yes, points. >> its it is now time for tonight's hashtag wars. well, it is almost val ebb tien's day and you know what that means, fancy dinner and butt stuff. no. extreme consumerism will constantly remind you of how single and alone you are even though the holiday is all about couples being single can be fun too. you don't have to share your pizza rolls, sleep in, no one will complain when you masturbate under your snuggie. so while why would you have one. it's just basically a dick hugger, that is all it is. so to celebrate the single life tonight's hashtag is single life in 3 words, examples might be
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unmade race car bed and conversations with cats. yeah, base i like to talk to them before i [bleep] kev i, because i'm just not-- because i don't want to just say a word. i will put 60 seconds, begin. >> found by landlord. >> chris: points kevin smith. >> eating while pooping. >> points. >> never not nude. >> chris: points. matt mira. >> probably jerking it. >> chris: points, posehn. >> accidentally killed hooker. >> chris: kevin. >> damn hardwood's taken. >> chris: ah. points. posehn. >> smells in here. >> chris: points. matt mira. >> still jerking it. >> chris: points. matt. >> should this bleed? >> chris: points. kevin smith. >> three some for one. >> chris: points. brian posehn.
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>> tickets to deadpool. >> chris: well done. >> nice. >> chris: very masterfully done. that is the end of the hashtag wars, send us your hashtag to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played. welcome back to
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"@midnight." it's time to play sweet emoji
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deadpool edition. i don't know if you heard but there is a movie out there called deadpool coming out this weekend. (applause) i have been so excite odd to see this since late july of 2015. it is happening this weekend. you need to [bleep] go and see it so that more good, dark, funny superhero movies will get made. >> here here. >> chris: let's jump in. to the deep end with this little clip, jack. >> here i go. ♪ (applause). >> chris: so the promotion for deadpool is amazing. again they're paying us. but it is actually amazing. like this billboard. right there, deadpool.
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that hobbit likes it. the hobbit you are talking about pat and oswald. he was in my wedding. i can call him a hobbit. >> chris: yeah, yeah. >> he carried the ring. (laughter). >> chris: points to brian posehn. so this is the magic of emoji, this is the magic of he moji. i will show you a series of emoji, i want you to use them to make up a superhero origin story. first up, this one. all right. matt mira. >> i got my powers when i flew over the atlantic to new jersey. >> chris: all right. points. brian posehn. >> my plane almost crashed into the ocean and i received the power of [bleep] uncontrollably. >> chris: what a great power to have. points. brian posehn kevin smith.
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>> i was on southwest airlines. >> i think i read this one. >> stop me if you've heard it. >> i cried an ocean of tears because they said i couldn't fit in the seat and i gave them a lot of [bleep] on twitter. >> chris: all right, points. next one. brian posehn. >> i went to college in the south and now i'm superracist. >> chris: points. matt mira. >> i was bombarded by gama rays when i was in the audience for whoopi goldberg's 19923 frier's club roast featuring dead dan sen in black face. >> chris: excellent. >> like doing the trip em
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lindy-- triple lindy. >> chris: next one, all right. brian. >> i showed my dick to a cop and i received the power of getting knocked the [bleep] out. >> chris: kevin smith. >> i showed my dick to a cop and he-- me. >> chris: i feel like you seem a little unsure about their answer so do you know what the actual origin story is. >> i gained my superstrength while i was in the audience at a banana rama police concert. >> chris: oh my god. >> right there. >> chris: and the police. next one. matt mira. >> well, chris, my life has never been the same since i saw tom selleck blow that pig.
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>> chris: i mean yeah. but what superpower did you gain. >> that's when i dedicated my life to finding out why i could never get an erection again. >> chris: points, points. >> oh, magazine numb pi. >> chris: brian. >> after a wizard stole myself esteem i sucked anybody's dick. >> chris: is that the wizard. >> that's the wizard. the golden wizard and i put lipstick on and i suck dick-- pig dicks at the fair. >> chris: these are not just disgusting street pig, these are blue ribbon winning cream of the crop pigs. >> and when were you finished you were like that will do, pig. >> chris: that will do, pig. a hundred points for brian and
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kevin smith on that one. finally these custom deadpool emoji. there they are. kevin. >> in order to see deadpool early i would eat the metal taco of-- himself. >> chris: the metal taco. (applause). >> chris: all right, that is the ends much sweet emoji deadpool edition. time for our live challenge textual harassment. i would like to have a word with you parents out there. what do you think your kids are doing on the internet. this he are probably sharing study tips and comparing favor rit bible verses, i would assume. wrong they're organizing mass orgys and trading bitcoins for sexual heroin doing it all using a series of secret codes probably satanic in nature. don't believe me. just listen this hard hitting report from north carolina's news now 13. >> sex, drugs, alcohol, rock 'n' roll, your children may be
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chatting about all of these things online. >> parents, do you know about the codes they use to talk about those things rights under your noses. >> like salad. >> something healthy to eat. >> or netflix. >> happy movies. >> online netflix and chill and salad are both code for s-e-x. >> unbelievable. >> this stuff is all over twitter verse and parents some of the secret code is about you. >> okay. first of all, your kids are not talking about rock 'n' roll. that's just [bleep] first of all. secondly, what is this greenscreen [bleep] where he is just in the-- he's just floating above the menu bar. what is this? >> chris: comedians, log your own news report on what kind of dangerous activities teens are up to online. we'll get your answers after the break. right back with more "@midnight"
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i showed you a report from news now 13 on the secret world of teen sex code and rock 'n' roll! and kids with their harmonicas-- what? i asked to you log your own hard hitting report. let's see what you came up with. brian, we'll start with yours. >> when teens say i'm going to send an e-mail what they really mean is i'm going to go set fire
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to a government building and masturbate while it burns. fire bugs know it is okay to masturbate at home to a trash can fire at home you set in the garage while yelling deaf leopard rules! >> chris: all right. very informative, thank you, brian. parents of the world take note. matt mira, you're next. >> when what teens aren't telling you is that the internet or information superhighway is literally filled with semen. or tronjiv. so the next time your teen mentioned their latest download, ask yourself do you know where that load came from? back to you. (applause). >> chris: kevin smith, you're last. >> now parents, it may look like a familiar household item but let me shed some true light on
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the subject right here. your kids are using this. it's all over the internet and your kids are all over and inside of it. what do i mean? right here they're storing your future grandkids. (laughter). >> chris: all right. i will do a thousand to posehn, 500 each for mira and kevin smith. our next game, two in the wall, eight in the balls. as finally a solution to all those times you have been shoving things in your ass while wondering what lies ahead in your future, a magic eight ball plug. oh, hey. reply hazy, ask again later. this item is listed on etsy for a surprisingly reasonable price for po bucks. >> you can't get a butt plug that cheap. >> chris: no. >> it sucks that the future is attached to it but still. >> chris: one has to wonder what fortunes will be told on
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the magic eight ball that powers your ass. come up with as many magic eight ball butt plug fortunes as you can in 60 seconds, begin. matt mira. >> moist likely. >> chris: points. >> brian posehn. >> outlook foggy, nope, that's just [bleep] >> chris: points. brian posehn. >> your future stinks. >> chris: points. brian posehn again. >> it's a living. >> chris: points. but with the flintstones like a lizard on the back of a stick. points. >> if you are sliding too first you feel something burst, it is certain. >> chris: points. well played. kevin. >> can't see, poo over. >> chris: points. matt mira. >> my refly is yeah! >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of two in the wall, eight in the balls. mr. kevin smith are you in third place we must eliminate you. but goddam it i a dove you, a dove you. >> i'm used to losing.
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>> chris: kevin smith, are you a goddam american treasure and i love you to pieces and i cannot thank you enough tor coming to be with us. thank you so much, i am going toive go you a big hug. i love you, pal. red lights. that means it's time to revive lost art, it's for the win. always nice to see young people embracing the past whether it be listening to vinyl or reading hard copy books or practicing the forgot indiscipline of calligraphy like this industry yus chap in the photo that resurfaced by redditter harry barry carry. there he is. so classy in this stroke font. suck my [bleep] your majesty. so comedians, i would like you to give me an even more disgusting phrase that will be
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made more elegant like by writing it in calligraphy. we're going to read our comedians answers an name a winner when we come back on "@midnight".
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" it is time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. it all comes down to this. i will read your answer as laud. you get to decide the winner. before the break i showed you this photo of a young man who wrote suck my [bleep] in the most elegant of calligraphy and asked you to give another disgusting phrase to write all fancy schmancy. let's see what you came up with. first one: >> chris: number two, i think i probably can guess who number
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two s the guy who has seen the dave mathews band more than anyone. matt mira has won the internet. you are the funniest person in the room for the next 23 and a half hours. you and dave mathews. >> yes. >> chris: see you nks time when our guests will be paul rust, gillian jay objects and claudio o doe hearty. become our next tweet of day. go see deadpool this weekend. god disam it, go see [bleep] deadpool. congrat rations, brian, i hope this movie destroys at the box office. see you next time on - does this look like a rifle? - uh...yeah. kind of. - thanks. - god, it seems like the season comes faster every year, you know? - honestly, every person i run into keeps blabbing about how awesome our 4/20 party was last year, and i'm like, "bitch, you don't even know. this year, we've got a 42-blunt salute!" - dude, i don't even know what that is, and i got goose pimples up and down my arms. - yeah. - remember how last year, i lip-synched cypress hill for, like, five hours?


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