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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 15, 2016 9:36am-10:12am PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much! great show for you tonight! our guests tonight from the new netflix comedy "love," gillian jacobs is here, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: and -- wow, what a
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weekend this was, for me, especially. i got to visit new hampshire for the first time. yeah, which was incredibly white. (laughter) no, because it snowed. it snowed a lot, and because of all the caucasian people. and then on sunday was the super bowl, yeah! (cheers and applause) so congratulations to the winners, the denver broncos, peyton manning and, most importantly, all my boys back home, yeah, because you know what comes off the super bowl sunday? free t-shirt monday! we're still ripping the panthers, baby! (applause) and don't worry, cam, you will be back next year. you can dab away all these tears. it's okay. oh! speaking of losers... this last weekend, we had the final g.o.p. debate before tomorrow's new hampshire primaries, and it was my favorite one yet because, from the beginning, it was clear that iin this day bait, anything coud
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happen -- anything except make getting all the candidates out on to the stage. >> so let's welcome the candidates for the republican nomination for president, new jersey governor chris christie. (cheers and applause) >> dr. ben carson (cheers and applause) >> s the senato-- texas senatord cruz. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> trevor: oh, the look on ben carson's face is priceless! he has the look as he just walked out as if he forgot his keys. and, first, ted cruz steals ben carson's votes, now he's stealing his entrance. it's a perfect metaphor for ted cruz, he sees a fellow candidate
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in distress, knows it would cost nothing to help him but instead chooses to push past him with a smile. for an extremely religious man that is exactly the opposite of a good samaritan and the best part, is it just got better. (cheers and applause) >> businessman donald trump! (cheers and applause) >> florida senator marco rubio. (cheers and applause) >> former florida governor jeb bush. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> trevor: oh! that will be the only time jeb bush passes donald trump in new hampshire. the look on his face, so happy. when he walks out, you see he looks at trump and he's, like,
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oh, this guy again! his campaign spent $13 million on that eye roll there, worth every penny. dr. carson eventually made his way to his podium. so we have seven candidates called out and then five actually made it to their podium, which means, according to the moderators, there was one person remaining. >> and lastly, we welcome back to the debate stage donald trump. (cheers and applause) >> john kasich. what about kasich? >> it's noisy in here. yes, yes, we're going to introduce ohio governor john kasich. >> trevor: ah, kasich... you know the worst thing? the carson trump fiasco can be explained because the moderators had their backs to the candidates b through last gaffe was so much worse because now moderators are facing the stage and they still couldn't tell the
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difference between an empty podium and john kasich. (laughter) that's how you know they haven't planned any questions for you. they were, like -- chris christie was the guy who noticed. he's where is john kasich? the moderators say he's there. he says, no. they say, he's here now. finally, everyone was waiting for the brawl to see what donald trump would do because if you remember, donald trump skipped the last debate, which is probably why you don't remember the last debate. you see, trump is the main attraction, the t rex in jurassic park. (laughter) and to see him in action, all you need to do is leave out some poor little animal as bait. oh, no, i'm not sure that's the right -- if we can get -- oh, yeah, that's better. that will do. that will do. it's funny how you guys were waiting for jeb bush, a goat about to be eaten. (laughter) what are the biggest issues on
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debate night between jeb and trump was emnant domain. for many conservatives, this is a hot button issue, should the governor be able to take private land for public good. >> the keystone pipeline without eminent domain wouldn't go ten feet. you need eminent domain. >> donald trump tried to use eminent domain to try to take the property of an elderly woman on the strip in new york city. that's not for a good purpose. >> i didn't take the property. and the net result -- you tried and you lost in court. >> a lot of times you will have -- and it doesn't work well with -- >> how tough is it to take property from an elder riwoman? >> let me talk. quiet. (audience reacts) >> trevor: oh! quiet! quiet, pip squeak! talk to the tan. that must have been the weirdest buff i've ever seen in my life.
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two guys, you want to have a tough guy? you looking at my girl? no, i'm looking at your poorly considered thoughts on eminent do plane as it relates to commentary. let's take this outside! >> property from an elderly woman -- >> let me talk. quiet. a lot of times -- (audience booing) >> that's all his donors and special interests out there. (laughter) you know who has the tickets to the television audience? donors, special interests, the people that are putting up the money -- (audience booing) the reason they're not loving me -- (booing) >> the reason they're not loving me is i don't want their money. >> trevor: this is insane. i love this. (laughter) do you understand how crazy donald trump is? jeb bush was like fight me! fight me! trump was, like, no! i need a challenge! and then he proceeded to fight the entire audience.
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the entire audience! if that's not presidential, i don't know what is, people! (cheers and applause) even though everyone was waiting for donald trump, the match that really surprised everybody was the baby faced thirst quencher marco rubio versus the bridge blocking bully chris christie. christie tanked in iowa making new hampshire his last chance to make himself the top alternative to trump or cruz but to do that he had to beat marco rubio who came in third in iowa. so chris christie launched an accusation -- rubio sac empty suit with canned lines. >> i want the people to think about this -- that's what washington, d.c. does. in the memorized 25-second speech, that is exactly what his advisors gave him. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: all right, rubio, the challenge has been issued! and now, you have to prove him wrong. >> and let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing.
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he knows exactly what he's doing. i would add. this let's dispel with this fiction barack obama doesn't know what he's doing. he knows exactly what he's doing. he is trying to change this country. here's the the bottom line. this notion that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing, he knows exactly what he's doing -- >> there it is, the memorized 25-second speech! there it is, everybody! >> trevor: just say anything else! >> he's memorized the 25-second speech. >> that's why this campaign is so important. i think this is an important point, we have to understand what we're going through here. we are not facing a president that doesn't know what he is doing, he knows what he is doing! >> trevor: he lost it! first of all, h he's saying barack obama knows what he's doing. let's just take a second to accept that. (cheers and applause) that's the first thing. secondly, chris christie called rubio out on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking points like a stumped speech robot and rubio's reply was people, people, people!
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i am human! people, people! (laughter) he got exposed! marco rubio got (bleep) so hard he had to take chris christie to red lobster! (cheers and applause) oh, man! look, senator rubio, it's time for you to take a page out of of dr. carson's book -- (laughter) -- next time there is a debate, take a moment and think about not coming out. (applause) but for now, go home, get some fresh clothes, because, let's be honest, you just (bleep) your pants. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) [ screaming ] [ tires screech ] ahhhhh!!! [ horn honking ] [ panting ] i focused on being prepared. [ gasp ] i saved your life by bringing you here.
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i knew this day would come. [ alarm sounding ] it's not safe out there. [ scream ] [ gasp ] something's coming. [ erie music ] (pilot speaking to tower over radio) (tower speaking to pilot over radio) once you get out here... (radio chatter continues in background) that's all there is. there's just one direction. forward. one time... now. and there's just one sound.
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you and us... together... with a mighty roar... that tells the world... we're coming for you.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! as wail know -- as we all know, last night was the super bowl, and it seems like the real m.v.p. of the night was beyonce.
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for more, we turn to our senior beyonce correspondent jessica williams, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> thank you, thank you. thanks, trevor. on saturday, beyonce dropped her new song formation and in typical beyonce fashion there was an epic video to go along with it. everybody went to nov com 1, reserved for the only intense beyonce drops. we're always there. there was so much about black female empowerment. she calls out police brutality and the constant fear black people have of the police. even threw back to hurricane katrina. the black woman imagine income that video was out of control, she was like a beautiful black dumbledore but wearing a black wig and goochy. that was before the game. it was an amazing show, but not everyone was ready for that.
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>> in the end, beyonce dressed up in tribute to black panthers, went to malcolm x formation and basically told cops to stop shooting blacks. >> i thought it was outrageous she used it as a platform to attack police officers. >> is there anything in america that can exclude race? why is race brought into the half time show at a super bowl game, why? >> race was brought in because beyonce was brought in and, brace yourself, might want to sit down for this, but beyonce is... black! ♪ and as a black person, you walk around every day constantly reminded that you are black. we're more likely to get paid less, more likely to get sent to prison and more likely to win a dance competition. it's not all bad. the point is, beyonce is black and this song is her message.
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that's what artists do. their message is in their music. like how chris wore his global citizen arm band to promote his message of ending worldwide poverty or bruno mars delivered his message about how uptown was going to punk me up. that was a threat. i live in uptown, i baffle barely slept after his performance. how dare he say something like that! (laughter) and why are surprised beyonce would send a message during the show. she's done this during her career. have we forgotten where she addressed the importance of mental health in crazy in love? oh, no, indeed! but, look, i get it... beyonce wasn't doing just any television performance, this was the super bowl. that's what got some people pissed. >> you're talking middle america when you have the super bowl, so you can have entertainment. let's have decent, wholesome entertainment. >> okay, so, first of all, are you saying you can't talk about
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race issues to middle america? what are they, so delicate and unaware and so white beyonce is too much for them? you know what's in the middle of middle america? ferguson, missouri (applause) and furthermore, i am so sorry this wasn't wholesome enough for you. i didn't realize singing about race was the equivalent of janet jackson getting her titty pulled out at the super bowl. (laughter) but the fans need wholesome entertainment like the gladiator. so were you not entertained by beyonce, everyone? (cheers and applause) >> trevor:ex jerks, everyone. we'll be right back. ♪ they say that in life, we shouldn't sweat the small stuff. but when you're building a mercedes-benz, there really is no small stuff.
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every decision... every component... is an integral part of what makes the 2016 c-class one of our most sophisticated cars ever. because when you're setting a new benchmark for refinement, it is the small stuff... that makes the biggest impression. the 2016 c-class. lease the c300 for $399 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer.
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the middle seat sucks. the middle seat sucks more with jolly rancher. somebody better get their hand out of my pocket! keep on sucking! this is violet. she's been waiting for this moment for awhile. a moment other kids wouldn't think twice about. her first bowl of cheerios. because now that cheerios are gluten free, violet, and many others are enjoying their first bowl today.
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good morning night.. good morning neon, shining bright. good morning hunger. good morning stars. good morning people who just left bars. good morning gamers. good morning moon. good morning morning. which will be starting soon.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: thank you for coming back!
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my guest tonight is an actress whose new net flex series is called "love." >> i just keep believing a relationship evolves and gets better. why do i believe that? where do these lies come from? i know, songs, and books, and, you know, movies. pleasantville? >> whoa, yeah! no, i like it! do it again. >> pretty woman? pretty woman is such a lie. like, a prostitute wouldn't fall in love with you. she would just like steal your (bleep) and sell it for coke. homeland season 3? >> very confusing. like she could ever just sneak into iran. get it out of my way! >> trevor: please welcome gillian jacobs! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much for being here.
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>> my pleasure. >> trevor: first of all, i'm going to be selfish with my interview and start at the top. huge fan of community. >> thank you! >> trevor: like the mantra of the show is six seasons and a movie, but the movie when? who do we need to pressure to get this to happen? >> one man, name is dan herman. we just need to get dan to write the script and we make the movie in an instant. >> trevor: we're calling you out. this is it. >> dan harmon! >> trevor: harmon! harmon! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: such a huge fan of yours. i told your earlier, you set the building on fire. gillian's coming, everyone said. can i ask her a question? i said, no. (laughter) you have such a diverse portfolio of what you love. you're a big film of documentary filmmaking. is that a passion you've always
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had? >> no, i kind of fell into documentary filmmaking. a couple of my classmates on community. they're great as well! (cheers and applause) they need some 30 for 30 docs for espn. i met a producer there and i said if you're giving actors who have never directed before directing jobs, sign me sniewp nicely done. >> very qualified and eager. i directed about a computer coder, a woman named grace horn, that sparked an interest in computer coding which i don't know anything about and making documentary films. >> trevor: it's a fascinating story. you call her the queen of code but she didn't want to be held up asen icon but she inspired young girls and women in jean to get into coding. >> yeah. >> trevor: so a fascinating story. if you could direct any film now, if you could make any
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documentary, what would you make it about? >> well, another, i think, remarkable woman is hedy lamarr. do you know anything about her? >> trevor: no. she was a glamorous movie star and an incredible inventer as well and during world war ii she felt compelled to help the war effort, so together with a composer in hollywood they invented a technology which the government refused to use and they dismissed her because she was a glamorous movie star but it later became the basis for wi-fi and bluetooth technology. >> trevor: insane. yeah. (applause) >> trevor: it's funny you say she was dismissed. you had a bit of a tumultuous start. when in school, your teachers would say things like, you're very pretty but you don't act like a woman. >> i they told me i had terrible posture, i shuffled my feet.
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they told me i did well for someone with no natural ability. you don't forget these things. it's seared in your brain ever. >> trevor: wow... do you ever go back in a really nice car and go, like, oh, i was in the neighborhood -- oh, did i drop a few million dollars? do they ever say anything to you now. >> no. and actually the mere sight of the building still make my knees shake a little bit so i need a little more therapy before i do that. >> trevor: you need to terrorize every single one of them. you've done great. this new show is funny and fantastic. judd apatow was involved in producing it. >> yes, one of the co-producers with paul and leslie, they created the show. >> trevor: for people who are going to get into it, what is the show about. >> you saw the main two goof balls, myself and paul, and we are a very unlately pair. both have a lot of issues that on the surface, i'm a wild child
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and he seems like an uptight nerd. but we meet and stumble towards love but we make a lot of mistakes along the way and cause a lot of havoc in los angeles. that's a good way to put it. >> trevor: it's fun because i see a lot of people gravitating toward netflix now. like stories told in a more authentic way. what would you say you prefer? i'm not saying choose between community and love. i'm saying which forum do you prefer? >> let me think about that. netflix gave us two seasons right off the bad. we were almost canceled six years in a row on nbc. (laughter) >> trevor: it's a wonderful story. it's super funny, and i guess the best part about it is, it's going to be coming out right around valentine's day so people can get into the love. >> either you have a great valentine's day and can be smug about our misadventures or a terrible day and can commiserate
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with us. >> trevor: misery loves company. "love" available on netflix starting february 19th. gillian jacobs, everyb ♪ here's what we were thinking. what if we did for mortgages what the internet did for buying music and plane tickets and shoes? you would turn an intimidating process into an easy one. you could get a mortgage on your phone. and if it could be that easy, wouldn't more people buy homes? and wouldn't those buyers need to fill their homes with lamps and blenders and sectional couches with hand-lathed wooden legs? and wouldn't that mean all sorts of wooden leg-making opportunities for wooden leg makers? and wouldn't those new leg makers own phones from which they could quickly and easily secure mortgages of their own, further stoking demand for necessary household goods as our tidal wave of ownership floods the country with new homeowners, who now must own other things and isn't that the power of america itself now shrunk to fit the hands of a child,
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or, more helpfully, a home-buying adult. anyway. that's what we were thinking. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ ♪ as a truck driver,ty.
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i had a lot of time to smoke. i also had severe shortness of breath and a smoker's cough. i knew i had to quit. so for six months, i used e-cigarettes. then i stopped. but the whole time i kept smoking regular cigarettes. right up until my lung collapsed. my tip is, just cutting down on cigarettes isn't enough. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now. without looking at cable wires and boxes in every room.
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mother, we are settlers. we settle for cable. and the simpler things in life. like our drab clothing. that's right, daughter. and homemade haircuts. exactly, boy. besides, if it weren't for wires, how would cousin tobias get his privacy? hey - shut the blanket! i need my privacy! (vo) don't be a settler. get a $100 visa prepaid card when you switch to directv. they carry your fans' passions, shouhopes, and dreamscarry pads.
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and maybe, a chance at greatness... because shoulders were made for greatness. not dandruff i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? (cheers and applause) >> trevor: that is our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> my favorite thing to do on the day of debate is play plants versus zombies on my iphone. >> what questions would david muirer be asking at the new hampshire debate?
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new hampshire debate? >> i normally call my mom t captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪me - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ e ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪emptai - ♪ going down to south park ♪outh ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪day o ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪dy neigh - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪o south ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ can't u - ♪ [muffled] mbling ) - ♪ come on down to south park ♪to sout ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪nds o
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