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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 17, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on business insider. the iowa raucus-caucus was last night, and boy was it still months away from the actual election. the republican winner turned out to be male jerri blank impersonator ted cruz [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: which is ironic since ted cruz does look like a strange we are candy. while on the democratic side, the race between bernie and hilly was so close that in some precincts, the winner came down to a [beep] coin toss. toin coss? no.
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no. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it -- i mean, like a real toin coss. [laughing] >> chris: they had to call it teds or hails. no [beep], leave it. i'm not redoing it. there are mistakes -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes, i don't care. you know what. there -- there are cracks in life, alright. there are mistakes in the real world. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm a broken person. sometimes do i things wrong. i own. that i love you, mom. [laughing] >> chris: alright. roll the [beep] thing. >> chris: yep. right after that they shot free throws to determine to keep the
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death penalty. sorry. still got it. surely a coin toss can't be the best method of deciding our political fate, so comedians, how could other iowa political ties get settled? dominic monaghan, go. >> tickle fight. [laughing] >> chris: that would be so great. so great. >> chris: liza treyger. >> i think it should be a swimsuit competition. >> chris: i absolutely, a hundred percent agree. >> chris: mamrie hart. >> rock, paper, shoot a legally carried firearm, america is crazy. >> chris: yes. it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday. as represented haor.
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tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are, from "wild things with dominic monaghan," wednesdays on travel channel, it's dominic monaghan. [cheers and applause] you are playing for @fishgirl27. >> i love fish. chris: there she is doing her favorite thing, looking at a fish. >> chris: from "horace & pete" available on, her half-hour special is on the comedy central app, it's liza treyger. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm going to spin the invisible -- >> i can't wait. chris: bleep, bleep, bleep you are playing for @imgonnasayitnow. >> chris: from "you deserve a drink" on youtube, author of "you deserve a drink" available in bookstores and amazon, it's mamrie hart. [cheers and applause]
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>> hello. chris: today you are playing for @lostoncontact. >> what is yolked? chris: what is y-o-t-s. >> yes. totally suddenly. >> young octopus takes down ship. [laughing] >> chris: that's making it the most aggressive. definitely points for that, mamrie. >> you only think sexy. chris: a hundred points for everyone. >> good save. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. here's a list of the most trendingest topics on the web today. the first thing we're gonna tal about is zen warriors.
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the bay state warriors. have been dominating the league this season thanks to their bay area lifestyle: drinking kale smoothies, dodging self-driving "a smorgasboard of cheeses was swapped out for organic chips made with avocado oil. the players gave up gatorade and replaced it with bottles of water sprinkled with himalayan rock salt." next thing you know, their basketball shoes will be made from locally-sourced child comedians, what another health fad this basketball team will try out? >> only eating caged free hookers. >> chris: yes. onto the next topic. balloon. >> chris: guys, pay close attention now. is this chinchilla going to let go of that balloon? yes or no? >> never. no. it will hold onto it forever. >> chris: let's see the tape, jack, roll it don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
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ahhh. >> oh, no. chris: we're going back to the instant replay to relive all of the action. the chinchilla in a stoic pose. at the last minute he decides to let it go. you can't see the other chinchilla under the table jerking off. >> chris, do i say he's a ghost faced chila. >> chris: yes. >> he looks squared, accordable. chris: i will give extra points to anyone who thinks they know what the guy said that made the chinchilla let go of the balloon. >> you let go of the balloon i will call crella devil you [beep] loser. that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. >> chris: i'm sure you know this.
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today is the ste anniversary of facebook's founding. and like any 12-year-old, it's going through some weird changes and is just not as cute and endearing as it was when it was six. for better or worse, though, the world was forever changed when mark zuckerberg borrowed that idea from those mutant twins, so in honor of this momentous -- they're mutants, made in a lab, not totally human. tonight's hashtag is: #beforefacebooki examples: "had never seen a baby," "didn't know which tv dog my aunt identified with," and "thought 'poking' someone was other than what they mean. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. mamrie. >> had to masturbate to crude drawings of my exs. [laughing] >> chris: points. mamrie. >> crushed actual candy and had a diabetic space.
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>> chris: liza. >> before i didn't know the opinions matters. >> chris: wow. >> before facebook i didn't have to see ugly baby pictures and like them. >> chris: mam. >> before facebook i didn't know my dads friend thought i developed into a srul u vuluptus young women. >> yes that came out that had. chris: liza. >> before facebook i can't know getting double teamed in high school would of led brittany to a great career inçó wallgreens. >> before facebook i invited my friends to come to my show via mail. >> chris: weeks in advance. >> before facebook i didn't realize how many high school friends had become swollen. >> chris: that's the end of
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#hashtagwars. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @gr8bitplayer. us by @gr8bitplayer. well done! i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? being hacked and intellectual property being stolen.
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that is cyber-crime and it affects each and every one of us. microsoft created the digital crimes unit to fight cyber-crime. we use the microsoft cloud to visualize information so we can track down the criminals. when it comes to the cloud, trust and security are paramount. we're building what we learn back into the cloud to make people and organizations safer. noor a wall of mountains.s. nothing would get between him and what he was after. some called him obsessed. we call him mister coors. and the pure rocky mountain water he hunted down is still used to brew the beer that bears his name. coors. the banquet beer.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play let's make a dealer. let's make a dealer. [cheers and applause] we know so much more about the dangers of narcotics in this country since we started waging the war on drugs 45 years ago, though you wouldn't know it by the stock photos that are available if you search for "drug dealers." i will show you a stocked photo we found with the search term "drug dealers" and for 250 points i want you to answer a few questions about this band of misfits. first up, this greasy bastard. hey, what else is on his rap sheet? liza. >> performing magic with his dick out. [laughing] [laughing] >> ya, he has to make it disappear right into you. >> chris: points. mamrie. >> his crime is being too cool for school, aka, he can't go
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anywhere near schools. >> chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> chris: next one, this macklemoron. what's the name of this guy's gang? liza. >> -- of the travel path. chris: next up these troubled teens. these troubled teens. >> oh, no. what's the street term for the drug he's selling? >> chris: mamrie. >> harry powder. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is what i imagine a 14-year-old courtney love looked like. i don't know i suppose i could
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have just a -- [beep] look at my [beep] pussy. just immediately -- [laughing] >> chris: liza. >> molly ringwalled. chris: points. well done. [ applause ] >> chris: dom. >> overpriced splendor. a lot, that's a lot in there. >> chris: a cheap artificial sweetener. and finally this dastardly son of a bitch. where's he "straight outta"? dom. >> yes. scaf face. >> chris: that's the end of "let's make a dealer." time for our live challenge. frankie goes to hollywood.
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>> chris: good news, pope francis is going to star in a movie. hurray. looking like a candles. i just want to light. that i want to light the little wick. watch the pope candle melt down. the first time in history a pope has appeared in a featured film if you don't count people benedict's voice over in that "air bud" sequel. you guys, it's not -- [ applause ] >> chris: pope francis has clearly been bitten by the acting bud. so comedians, as the pope, i want you to pitch another movie to a hollywood executive. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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roast it, slice it. new, hand-carved roasted sirloin. perfectly paired, perfectly served... and starting at just $10.99?! it's dinner time at outback. my fellow americans... they say we're a nation divided. that's not true. we agree on a lot. like paul rudd. everybody loves paul rudd. i didn't know this was going to happen! you know what else everyone loves? emojis. no. beer! that's why we're forming the bud light party. just wait till you see our caucus. we've got the biggest caucus in the country! ooooeeeyyyyy! i'm really inspired right now. america has seen the light... and there's a bud in front of it! sfx: crowd cheers, fireworks ♪ out on the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it.
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buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. and right now, get up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about pope francis upcoming film appearance, and i asked you to pitch another movie to a hollywood executive as his holiness. let's hear what you came up with. dominic monaghan, let's start with you. >> okay. there is a -- being attacked by
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a huge big fish. stephen spielberg, jaws, what? >> chris: nice. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i love that accent. liza. >> it's the first vatican bobsled team. it's me and my very good buddies, god, jesus, the holy spirit, and dave franco. [laughing] >> wait. but the team gets disqualified because god is not real. >> chris: huh? >> [beep] [ applause ] >> chris: what if the pope is like, i don't think he's a real. >> chris: mamrie. >> so it's a sequel to "hope float" we will call it "pope float." i play a single mother. screw it i just want to go on a
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cruise with harry conic jr. >> chris: okay. a thousand, five hundred, two fifty down the line. the next game. swipe casting. now i will show you a series of eligible batch lowers. and other types of eligible things and i want you to ring in to "swipe left" or "swipe right", but do us all a solid and tell us why. first, urkel. >> nerdy -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up jar jar binks. >> swipe right. chris: points. points. next up, gronk. huh liza. >> swipe right.
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i always wanted to make out with someone who was a cute shrek. [laughing] >> chris: next up, oprah. mamrie. >> swipe right i want to show her the cover of my oface magazine. >> and she's eating breed again. chris: what was the cover of the magazine look like? >> no, no, no. chris: and finally, drake. yes, mamrie. >> swipe left, the grass is always greener. >> chris: oh, my stomach. my stomach. that brings us to the end of swipe casting. dominic monaghan, a door you. you're in last place. i will be ripped apart by the females of the audience. to be honest a few of the dudes. [cheers and applause]
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this man, dominic monaghan is a wonderful individual, amazing, you have to watch his show. playing with dangerous animals in nature. >> true. chris: thank you for being here, dom. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to celebrate groundhog day. it's for the win! >> chris? [cheers and applause] >> chris: what? are you doing? yes. >> it's me, stephen tobolowsky! in "groundhog day" i played ned, ned ryerson! needle-nosed-ned? ned the head? come on! >> chris: i don't know what you're talking about? >> i did the whistling
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belly-button trick at the school talent show? >> chris: no. >> i was on @midnight last year? chris: doesn't ring a bell. >> we just rehearsed this bit for twenty minutes, then we furiously made out in your dressing room. you still have an erection! >> chris: oh, of course. so sorry, ryerson. there you are, good to see you. >> right, right, right. chris: seeing how you're here would you like to introduce for the win. >> absolutely. [cheers and applause] >> happy groundhog day everybody! a day when america collectively says "(bleep) science, i want a magical dirt beaver to tell me if it's going to be cold or not!" here's the grand marshal reading a poem by puxatony phil himself.
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>> herey, herey, down in myzv borough i never get forged on my hover board. i sure have fun flying my drone. the weather forecasting is my comfort zone. >> chris: this is one time television fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather. [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes. >> it's good to see phil is staying hip and with it comedians, i want you to come up with another modern prediction from the prognosticator of prognosticators for 2016. >> chris: yes, well put. stephen tobolowsky, everyone. we will have our comedians
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answers, and read a winner when we come back to "@midnight." ♪alarm goes off) ♪ ♪
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♪ millions and to celebratewitched to sprint this past year. we're extending our 50% offer so you can save on most verizon, at&t or t-mobile rates. money! we saved a lot of money! the sprint network is faster. and, we're more reliable, with better coverage than ever. i like sprint because of the reliability. my movies download much faster. sprint's network is... [ snaps fingers] fast! now, save $200 instantly when you get the samsung galaxy note5 or gs6, and trade in your smart phone. so switch today. (trouble hearing on the phone, visit when a day's work was mining for gold under the frozen ground for twelve straight hours. happy hour had a whole new meaning. and when the men sat down for their banquet, mister coors brought a beer worthy of the occasion.
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a beer that's still known as "the banquet beer." >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win.d i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. i feel like what will make this so much better is you coming up here.
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this cat sweater needs to be framed. do you mind standing there with your cat sweater. [cheers and applause] before the break, stephen tobolowsky showed you a groundhog day celebration that was trying a little too hard to relate to the kids and asked you to come up with another modern groundhog prediction. let's see what you wrote. first one. butts are out, boobs are in. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number two. number two. i will reveal i would like to be called puxatony phyllis and a beaver to bite that guy in the hat. number two. this sweater won the show. congratulationses. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be burnie burns, gavin free, and colton dunn. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #beforefacebooki and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. goodbye, everyone. a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them. enjoy. >> just let the snake finish and wait for her to come out the other side. welcome to "tosh.0." no, it's not portland fashion week, it's the season of cabin couture. so lumbersexual. tonight, i grant the


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