tv The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore Comedy Central February 17, 2016 9:00am-9:38am PST
bigger, smugger. and you? rubbery buttons. enter the x1 voice remote. now when someone says... show me funny movies. watch discovery. record this. voila. remotes, come out from the cushions, you are back. the x1 voice remote is here. captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show."
thank you very much. very kind. i appreciate that. i saw couple people start to stand up oh, [bleep], larry, larry, i appreciate. great show tonight, keke palmer on the show tonight. [ cheering and applause ] and i am in a great mood. i had so much fun watching last night's super bowl. not the game itself, that sucked. i was going for denver, y'all. i was right. but everything around it was just awesome. i mean how about that puppy-monkey-baby? i'm sorry, that thick is way too scary to be selling soda. i slept with a nightlight on last night. puppy-monkey-baby was haunting my dreams. that should not be a thing. i'm just say oink.
that was so strange. i remember, the best add for the one with -- where seal taught me this about the nfl. ♪ no, no, no. i'm sorry nfl. i reject this premise. watching football is not an aphrodisiac. it's not. you want me to believe that for the ladies there's nothing hotter than their man in his sixth hour of watching football, gut hanging out of his undersized jersey, cheeto dust all over his mouth, and then what? you both reach for that last bud light lime, and that's when the [bleep] starts. later we'll talk about beyonce
blackening up the super bowl. very nice. i like that. the other big game this weekend was republican political debate in new hampshire which began with a false start. >> dr. ben carson. [ applause ] >> texas senator ted cruz. [ applause ] >> businessman, donald trump. larry: go, go. this was so sad. what's wrong? they called your name, go! so not only does black droopy the dog screw up his entrance, he stays there like he's an usher.
"oh, hello, mr. trump, could you just wait here please... hello mr. rubio, you're at podium four. nice to see you again, mr. bush. oh, man, just crazy. very entertaining. the winner of the night was donald trump. how he keeps winning this these i have no idea. people aren't even listening to trump any more just blind support. trump, oooh. listen to the support of torture. >> i would bring back waterboarding. i'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding. >> larry: what is he thinking besides the cold play half time show without beyonce and bruno mars. don't let anyone make you feel so bad being so white. trump defense of torture was delivered mere seconds after cruz laid out the very definition of torture. >> under the law, torture is
excruciating pain that is equivalent to losing organs and systems. >> larry: trump is literally calling for the removal of organs while questioning. let me tell you pulling out a man's intestinal tract isn't nearly as cute as this super bowl ad makes it seem. they don't have faces, guys. that's one of the things they look for in a colonoscopy. if your intenstines start growing a face, you have severe medical problems. you got some issues. but the biggest loser of the night turned out to be marco rubio, who had some strong words for president obama. >> let's just start once for all with the in this case in this sha barack obama doesn't know what he's doing. he knows exactly what he's doing. >> larry: okay. i think somebody knew exactly what you were doing, rubio.
>> you see, everybody, i want the people at home to think about this. that's what washington, d.c. does. the drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him. >> larry:christie's saying you're a robot, man, and that you say the same thing every time. how you going to respond? come on, man. freestyle on him. >> but i would add this. let's dispel with this fiction that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing. he knows exactly what he's doing. [ laughter ] >> larry: that's your freestyle? the same thing? i'll give you one more chance. what's the bottom line? >> here's the bottom line. this notion that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. >> there he is. larry: responded to the accusation of being too scripted by being too scripted. all right. i know you must have been really embarrassed. i get it, man.
it's hot under the lights. he called you out. maybe he caught you off guard. here is your chance to set the record straight. >> we're not fate of facing a president that doesn't know what he's doing, he knows what he is doing. >> larry: you have to be [bleep] kidding me. he did it again. what's wrong with you? trump if you're looking for torture make him listen to marco rubio. it was not the first time that rubio's campaign has revealed itself to be embarrassingly scripted. just take a look at this rubio ad that is currently airing in new hampshire. >> it's time we got someone in the white house that represents me. someone like, marco rubio. go marco! he's been here, and listened. right here in new hampshire." >> larry:all right. yeah. seem like innocent look at the happy honest folks of new hampshire. on the other hand sounds like like an ad that aired in iowa. > it's time we got someone in the white house that represents me. someone like...marco rubio. go marco! he's been here and listened.
right here in iowa. [ laughter ] >> larry: that's right. a marco rubio campaign ad is plagiarizing another marco rubio campaign ad! he's stealing from himself! don't believe me? take a look at these ads. >> he gets the new economy. >> go marco. >> he's got our values. >> plan for new american century. >> larry: so the zombie candidate is now recruiting a whole army of zombies? i guess that would explain this footage from a rubio campaign rally in manchester last week. that's actual footage you guys. don't make this [bleep] up. so, the g.o.p has gotten so bizarre. you know what they remind me of? puppy-monkey-baby. that's right. i said it. you know it's true. jeb bush is the hangdog puppy. he was bred specifically to be a president, but instead he
just flops around helplessly. although he has recently stopped peeing all over himself, so that's progress. rubio is the monkey, mindlessly repeating whatever his trainer tells him to, and donald trump's the baby, yelling and whining and keeping everyone from having an adult conversation. [ applause ] plus his hands are the same size as that baby's. that's right, donald trump has baby hands. google it. we'll be right back. [ applause ] >> hi, i'm franchesca ramsey keeping black history 100 for "the nightly show". you may know madame c.j. walker was the first black female millionaire in the u.s. but did you also know she petitioned president woodrow wilson to make lynching a federal crime? wait. that [bleep] wasn't illegal before!? great. happy black history month!
when we launched the new wendy's 4 for $4 meal, people really thought it was a big deal. with a junior bacon cheeseburger, four nuggets, fries and a coke, who wouldn't like this? maybe her... we kind of stole the thunder from her engagement photo. that's rude. sorry. the wendy's 4 for $4 meal. it's bigger than we thought. are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious.
okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. carry the centimeter, divide by 3.14 something something something... [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad! ♪ and now the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. is that a true story? yeah! people really do save an average of over $500 when they switch. i mean about you inventing it. i invented the story, and isn't that what really matters? so... what else about me?
without looking at cable wires and boxes in every room. mother, we are settlers. we settle for cable. and the simpler things in life. like our drab clothing. that's right, daughter. and homemade haircuts. exactly, boy. besides, if it weren't for wires, how would cousin tobias get his privacy? hey - shut the blanket! i need my privacy! (vo) don't be a settler. get a $100 reward card when you switch to directv. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. [ applause ] >> larry: welcome back. as you may know, we're in the middle of black history month, a 29-day marathon of forcing weird black "fun facts" onto people's televisions. which brings me to question that seems to get asked every february. is black history a month thing
or just [bleep] we need to debate this. and since we're on cable, the only way is to have people take polar-opposite positions and argue over each other. so without further ado, here's another installment of "pardon the integration." please welcome "nightly show" contributors mike yard and rory albanese. [ applause ] okay. tonight's topic: should there even be a black history month or does it just widen the gap between races in this country? mike will take the pro-black history month side, and rory will be against it. ready? >> i've been waiting for this -- for years. >> start out as the dick when we do this? can't i just be -- >> and begin. >> black history is under taught and under valued, okay? mlk day not enough to mob or the black struggle we need to teach students that in white centric schools about the many accomplishments of african americans. >> mike, what we need to teach
the horrors of segregation stop segregating between black and white. when the nba put out top 50 players, didn't break into top 50 black players and it would. >> that's because there haven't been 50 white players in the history of the nba who are even good. >> really, mike? okay. larry bird. john stockton. that slavic guy. [bleep] that's what i thought. have been white washing history textbooks like atlantic triangle. okay? black people deserve to have their history told. >> it's true. but so depressing. >> i wonder why. >> if i want to see how horribly black people have been treated i'll watch the news, oppression. >> here we go. [ laughter ] >> it's the same stuff. what about all the black contributions to america that are inspiring. george washington carver came up with a hundred uses for the
peanut. it's 2016 everyone is allergic to peanuts now. no one cares. >> that noise means it's time to switch sides argue the opposite perspective. because remember this is a mindless argument. okay? now, rory will be in favor of black history month. and mike you will now be against black history month. [ laughter ] >> i'm so excited about this. >> this is not something that i want to do. >> okay, the last time you guys call me a sell out -- >> mike, mike, stop it. that would never happen. this is a -- >> did you it. >> it's professional argument. and go. >> all right. i guess black history month is insult to people of color, i mean by implying that our history is only worth acknowledging only one month out of the year. >> here we go. why don't you and stacy go --
that's right. >> wow! >> you start to hash tag oscars not white enough, mike, how about that? >> wow. >> black history month is essential because if you can't understand the past how can you navigate the present? >> i can't believe you just asked me that. it's cool. >> i did. >> your black history, sir, isn't always accurate. rosa parks wasn't supposed to be the first black woman to be arrested that was claudette way to take down that attention whore rosa parks. i know. seriously mike, what the [bleep] >> thank you, larry. >> what are you talking about? this is what i was afraid of. >> mike, we're not turning on you. >> what do you call it? >> we're just saying black history month is great. because black people are great. am i right? [ cheering and applause ] >> that is really good -- thank you i don't know why mike has to be the --
>> larry: okay! and the winner is rory because no one [bleep] -- >> she's the best. >> i have no idea what just happened but i know i didn't do any that have. has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! [ applause ] [ applause ] we'll be right back. ♪ ♪
the middle seat sucks. the middle seat sucks more with jolly rancher. somebody better get their hand out of my pocket! keep on sucking! we broabout this new car. to get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu.
crest 3d white whitestrips... whiten 25 times better than the leading whitening toothpaste. i'd say... ...someone's making quite an impression. crest 3d white whitestrips. the way to whiten. we're always looking for ways to speed up your car insurance search. here's the latest. problem is, we haven't figured out how to reverse it. for now, just log on to compare.com... plug in some simple info and get up to 50 free quotes. choose the lowest and hit purchase. now...if you'll excuse me, i'm late for an important function. compare.com. saving humanity from high insurance rates.
[ applause ] >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor robin thede, "nightly show" contributor franchesca ramsey, and she just appeared in fox's live production of "grease", and stars in "scream queens" also on fox, keke palmer. [ applause ] and for everyone at home: join our conversation right now on twitter "at nightly show" using the hashtag "tonightly." the super bowl was yesterday and i want to talk about beyonce's song "formation" that she performed during the halftime show. i thought it was a great performance. but social media went crazy. lot of people loved it. she's the queen m. people thought it wasn't appropriate for political message. >> of course it was appropriate. sheet saying i got half off. and that's a whole agriculture
you'llment. didn't put herself into the record on top of the things. wouldn't seem authentic. >> i did bad that she up staged chris what's his name from -- >> huh-uh. >> cold play. that's not what -- >> you know who they are. >> i felt bad for him. tweeted maroon 5 is killing it. i loved that. it was so cute. >> told him what it was. >> but it is more political than beyonce has been. >> yeah. larry: do we have clips from the video? let's show clips from that video just want to show. ♪ >> larry: i know. some people say she was dressed like black panthers. all this. is -- do you think intentional political message during the super bowl? >> i do. i think it was political message in general. i think that, you know, i think
that is why the song was so interesting because trying to find way to talk about the issue, but also do it in artistic way. you know what i'm saying? as entertainer people want you to talk about what's happening but in way that's natural to you. i feel like she found way to do it. with symbol down to the words. if you -- she sounds -- but the lyrics are like listen to what i'm saying. >> i think she did a good job of making the song reelingly fun like you can dance in the club but if you look at the message in the video, we live in very like gif culture. you can watch it without any audio and understand that she's making a message about black lives matter. >> in her way. has to make it her way. >> exactly. beyonce is the master of giving you the visual imagery but also the lyrical look. michael -- >> but the --
and what is going on. those lyrics were heavy. >> larry: at least -- >> don't have the -- i'm like, yo, michael was letting you know. >> larry: but is beyonce is she becoming an activist now? because, i'm confused. because the lyrics that have video -- >> i don't think so much activist. now i have to -- now i feel the need to say something in this way. i think you have to be really careful. >> larry: accessorizing. >> i don't think so. be careful. >> wait a minute. >> you don't want to step into that carey hilton territory, if you don't know what i'm talking -- you step out of line. >> larry: should explain. >> we don't talk about kerry
because she said things -- you want to be careful. >> larry: beyonce doesn't care about me. >> she cares about all of us, larry. didn't you watch the video? >> i know beyonce cares about me. >> okay. larry: is there expectation for somebody as huge and as influential as beyonce to be political or people just accept her for whatever. >> sometimes people can feel that issue but that brings up the whole thing, difference between somebody like michael jordan and ma'am ed ali. >> larry: he got criticize the. republicans buy tennis shoes why should i divide people. >> you have to be careful. >> it's your choice as an individual person whether you are celebrity or not. i think -- >> larry: feeling pressure right now? or her way? >> you know, personally, maybe. very personal for her she's saying, you know, in the -- like
i like my jackson five like she's letting you know some things but not saying -- >> larry: saying jackson five -- her negro does. >> that's how she -- >> she's not. >> more tito or jermaine, just want to know. >> larry: that's what i was going to say. >> that's true. the difference is -- >> larry: used to be mellon. i'm just telling the truth. >> we'll do a graph of it later. >> really important thing that her lyrics were not so heavy. you saw images of don't shoot us, her lyrics weren't saying that. they were still saying, like she's -- >> i'm sitting here knowing every single little thing, i know what is going on. i see what is going on. i'm going to use my platform to bring more attention it to. you dissect it and take away --
>> as audience our responsibility to do the work after like celebrity opens your eyes to an issue, i don't think that you should be making a vote just because somebody said you should vote for this person or care about this issue. then you need to go do your homework. >> people like -- whoever she says i'm voting for. >> larry: we'll be right back. >> if you live in the new york city area grab free tickets to "the nightly show." are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious. othis highly sought-after device "nafrom progressiveool. can be yours for... twenty grand? -no! we are giving it away for just 3 easy payments of $4.99 plus tax! the lines are blowing up! we've got deborah from poughkeepsie. flo: yeah, no, it's flo. you guys realize anyone can use the "name your price" tool for free on progressive.com, right?
[ laughing nervously ] ♪ [ pickles whines ] i know, it's like they're always on television. what? every coconut has a dream. to come out of its shell. to show all the world its true, inner beauty. and then, in an ironic twist, get covered up by chocolate and almonds. almond joy mounds. what every coconut wants.
i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? everyone wants to be (cthe cadbury bunny because only he brings delicious cadbury creme eggs. while others may keep trying, nobunny knows easter better than cadbury. so, kyrie. while you were on the mend,
we had to make a commercial. but don't worry, we studied your game, and we found someone who really matches your skills. ♪ i am kyrie irving. i have speed...from every angle. my handles...cannot be handled. i ascend. ♪ swish. [crowd chants] kyrie! kyrie! hooaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! [crowd chants] kyrie! kyrie! hooaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! what do you think? hooaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! [crowd chants] kyrie! kyrie!
[ applause ] >> larry: thanks to our panelists. almost out of time before we go give it. tonight he's question from event. they ask to prevent a trump presidency you must higher meagan kelly on "the nightly show." let me make this clear. i will do anything to prevent a trump president sees. she can say anything she wants.
of course. you guys got to challenge her. don't forget to ask me your keep it 100 questions on twitter. goodnightly everyone! [ cheering and applause ] >> february 3rd, 2016, from comedy central world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show" i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight comedian hannibal buress is joining us. [cheers and applause]