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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 18, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST

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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists: ricky velez, jordan carlos, and brandon marshall. and a special thanks to neil degrasse tyson for being here. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, neil. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from @cpusavant. they ask, "#keepit100, if the only way cosby goes to prison for life was for you to swear allegiance to the patriots forever, would you?" what? ! the patriots? why the patriots? >> um... uh... >> larry: all right, i'll do it! only for that, i'll do it!
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i'll do it! i hate myself! >> you kept it 100%. >> larry: i hate myself, though. thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me a keep it 100 question. i deserve a little tea for that. thank you. i don't deserve this. i don't deserve this. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on pointsme.tv today! popular television show and doug benson fever dream, @midnight, recently concluded its second annual "points me" competition where we found one hilarious fan to bring on the show. we got over 50,000 entries, 45,000 of which involved the words "jizz." but we finally narrowed it down to one: @milestogo13. this is some of his submissions.
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not only is he our #pointsme winner, he's also been playing "hashtag wars" since the beginning and has won tweet of the day four times! in the run of the show. we are so excited to have him. this is his first time on television, and he is not a professional comic; he's just a guy who loves cats and works in i.t. in a small town in georgia. rural town called -- robins. he told us about t-plt. >> there is an acronym here. it stands for "every day in middle georgia is armed forces appreciations day." this is what i want to do. i want this so bad. if you could get me out of here if only for a few days. >> chris: we got him out of robins. please welcome your #pointsme winner: richard jeter! [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. well comics are not suppose to touch me. a check mark against you for that. >> chris: we are putting an untested comedy civilian into the spotlight on national tv. so what could possibly go wrong, april richardson? >> what is next donald trump gets elected, new host of "@midnight." >> chris: no it's going to be worst he's going to be [beep] president. >> yes. chris: richard. >> stress induced amnesia, also where am i? >> chris: kyle. >> multiple -- in your hometown are going to claim to have a child with them. >> chris: it's time to start
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"@midnight" pointsme edition. >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: opening -- opening for my entire tour. for my "funcomfortable special" taping at palace of fine arts in san francisco tomorrow, it's april richardson. >> chris: it's richard jeter. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, what is the actual job in warner robins? >> head of an it tech support team. i am better at googling things than anyone. >> chris: at what point do you have to escalate to the supervisor? >> i am the supervisor. i'm in charge of other human
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beings [beep]. really i'm the head of it and the cats. i'm the inter nate incarnate. >> chris: what's the dumbest thing you have heard for a call into it. we had someone call in because their power was out and they couldn't print anything. >> some of us are not technically proficient, man. >> chris: performing at tacoma comedy club in tacoma, washington, february 4-6, it's kyle kinane. [cheers and applause] now, it's time to see full grn adults act like children. it's "panderdome." [cheers and applause] >> chris: we're not going easy on you, richard. we're popping your tv cheri with the hard stuff. here's a list of the most trendingest political topics on the web today. the first thing we're going to talk about is "martin o'malley: animal employer." some guy who says he's running for president named martin
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o'malley said something ridiculous enough to get some actual media coverage. here he is in iowa talking about employment. >> our nation's creating jobs again, and we're the only species on the planet without full employment. so, jobs are important, right? >> chris: what the [beep] what? we're the only species without full employment? what animals have jobs? [laughing] i know cnn hired that wolf. i'm just kidding that's actually an albino funeral director. clearly martin o'malley is wrong about this. please give me a line from an out-of-work animal's cover letter on the job site, gila monster. richard. >> as a cat i would be the perfect public school teacher i too ignore children. >> chris: off to a good start. >> as a cat i would be the perfect congressional barber. i already spent enough time
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grooming assholes. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> chris: on to our next topic, "mash up." not to brag, but our little program inspired a video that went viral by youtuber digifilmpro. one of our jokes prompted them to create what political mashup? a: hillary clinton and the velociraptors from "jurassic world." b: sarah palin and yosemite sam. c: bernie sanders and a farting sea lion. richard. >> sara palin and yosemite sam. she maybe his biological daughter. >> chris: it's possible. let's all find out together. >> right winging bitter clinging proud -- [ applause ] >> -- are you ready to make american great again. >> chris: yes. >> so perfect. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: the other two were fake. we wanted to see the hillary. so we had the digital pod make it just for fun. [cheers and applause] >> my god. the faces. [ applause ] >> chris: that makes her seem so much more approachable. onto our next topic. trump endorsement. >> chris: on to our next topic, "trump endorsement." talking diaper filled with lasagna, donald trump, got an endorsement from baseball-throwing racist john rocker this week. bigots gotta stick together. we checked wikipedia to see what other celebs have thrown their weight behind the trumpster, and it reads like the roster of the bat(bleep) justice league. there's tila tequila, gary busey, dennis rodman, ted nugent, mike tyson, hulk hogan, and lou ferrigno! that's two different hulks! he's lousy with hulks! it's like all the monsters churned out by our culture's celebrity-obsessed (bleep)
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factory are banding together to support one of their own, like a voltron addicted to painkillers. comedians, how will another crazy celebrity help donald trump's campaign? richard. >> honey boo boo's mom will freeze ran paul and throw marco rubio into her starlight dance. >> chris: that will happen. kyle. >> shug knight will offer to dangle hillary clinton over a railing -- [cheers and applause] >> for the record y'all. chris: april. >> deporting him is not enough. he needs to be on the ticket. trump/busey2016. >> chris: that's the end of "panderdome." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." the only thing the internet loves as much as porn is cats, because either way you're
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stroking it. tonight's hashtag is #catsongs. examples: "poops... i did it again," "black hole butt," and anything by pussy riot. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. richard. >> i just clawed to say i love you. >> chris: april. >> my neck, my back my pusy and my pusy. >> chris: points. kyle. >> my scratch fever. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: april. >> i just died in your arms nine times. >> chris: points. rich. >> scenes from a chinese restaurant. >> chris: points. kyle. >> the william tell overpurr. chris: points. way to sell it at the end there. >> i know. chris: april. >> love is a garfield. chris: points. kyle. >> ain't nothing but a hound
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cat. >> chris: yes. [laughing] >> stand proud. chris: alright, points. he gave me that face. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #catsongs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's
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life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. ♪ go paperless ♪ don't stress, girl ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪ it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?! [ laughs ]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "gif-o-mercial." "gif-o-mercial." [cheers and applause] >> chris: my favorite part of every infomercial is when the screen goes black-and-white so a tired mom can be like, "how am i supposed to make a sandwich while i'm holding all these commemorative plates? [laughing] why has god abandoned me!" well, thanks to the subreddit "where did the soda go," we can enjoy these idiotic struggles over and over again in gif form. comedians, i'm going to show you a gif of an infomercial fail and for 250 points i want you to give me the voiceover line that should go with it. this sleepy couple. rich. >> is your husband having an affair with a high school wrestler. [laughing] >> chris: definitely. points. she seems okay with it. april. >> can you not get your husband to shut up when he always wants to talk about his feelings after
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sex. boring. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: kyle. >> does your husband try to chew his penis off in his sleep? not anymore. [laughing] >> chris: next, this household disaster. [laughing] rich. >> are you tired of giving hand jobs to count chocula. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> i can never go back to work. never. >> chris: never. it's worth it points. >> totally. chris: unfor the in lately you don't get a cash prize on this show. april. >> enroll in our technical college. chipolte is look for managers.
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>> chris: points. kyle. >> first time at a german drinking fountain. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: yep. >> chris: next, this blessed chef. whoa. yes, rich. >> do you pray to wolverine another your one true god. [ applause ] >> chris: oh, when you make the salad does it hurt? >> every time. chris: kyle. >> are you reba mcintyre during a full moon. [ applause ] >> chris: april. >> are you tired of tossing salad with just your mouth. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> i thought they were going to
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carry me out on their shoulders. >> chris: it's weird it didn't happen. >> chris: next, these flying kids. april. >> holy [beep], stacy, what is in those drinks. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> chris: finally, this presidential scribe. what is he doing? >> still waiting on obama forks. [laughing] >> oh my gosh. chris: april. >> dear plate, by the time you read this trump will be president. >> chris: oh, no. no. >> writing a letter to the plate. >> chris: rich. >> is barack obama telling to you kill your neighbors again. >> chris: yes, points. he is. ;;;;live >> chris: that's the end of
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"gif-o-mercial." it's time for our live challenge "skies and dolls." pass eveningered are able to buy seats for toy dolls that have super natural powers this. is a real [beep] thing. the airline is accommodating a tie superstition that treats these dolls like children making them wear seatbelts and serving them snacks like your soul. as a pilot i want you to make an announcement to all of your haunted thai dolls. we will get your answers when we return with more "@midnight." [cheers and applause]
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can't get unlimited data for your family? other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! hurry. only at t-mobile. [alarm bell ringing] oh no, the car! told ya somebody should've waited in the car. it says there's a black car three minutes away! i'm not taking one of those. that one! they gave authorities the slip, in a prius. now the four most-wanted men in the world are stealing our hearts. is that us? i think that's us! public support is at a fever pitch. what started as an amateur heist is now a global phenomenon. one does have to wonder, how long can this chase go on? look, we're trending! let me see that. we're famous! toyota. let's go places. but ever since i started using new odor blocker, the most. powerful old spice antiperspirant in the world. i think i may have just found it.
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1207 mph, that seems to be the point at which my rocket car starts disintegrating. leaving me clinging to the shell of an overpowered... wow! wow! wow!
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"better ingredients. y better pizza." you better deliver. which is why i'm introducing our new papa's quality guarantee: love your pizza, or get another one, absolutely free. get any large pizza up to 5-toppings for just $9.99. online only. at papajohns.com >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about an airline in thailand that is now treating dolls that skheurpb. i asked you as the pilot to make an announcement to your plane full of haunted doll children. richard. >> this is your captain i have been informed the doll in row 14
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has started to chatting. we are going to make a quick turn into this, see you in hell. >> chris: april. >> ladies and gentlemen, these dolls are hauntd and freaking us all out. i will fly us all into a mountain. flight attend epbtsz, prepare for mountain. >> chris: perfect. kyle. >> listen, weird owes, i will allow your voodoo babies onboard just don't [beep] them. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i have to give a thousand points to kyle kinane and 500 to april and rich. let's go to the next game. >> chris: it's time for "cringeworthy: hollywood edition."
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our lovely "pointsme" winner richard here is new to hollywood, as you might be able to tell from the fact that he is not currently made of green juice. but he'll soon learn that hollywood can be an awkward place, which is why our speed game tonight is "cringeworthy: hollywood edition," inspired by redditor "boxofkangaroos." using three words comedians, using only three words, please say something hollywood-related that makes me cringe. >> new kardashian discovered. chris: kyle. >> scientology open house. chris: rich. >> homeless guy's screenplay. chris: points. >> charlie sheen is here. hris: points. rich. >> craig's list casting couch. hris: kyle. >> vine stars opinions. chris: points. kyle. >> vegan blow jobs. [laughing] >> i don't think those are certified vegan. >> no meat. chris: april. >> tom cruise's grinder. chris: kyle. >> jane cook's music. [laughing] >> is that a real thing.
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chris: yes, richard. >> paul blart iii. chris: points for that. that is the end of cringeworthy: hollywood edition. april you're in third place. teufrpblgtsz my fault i said the word "trump a 500 times. >> chris: any last words before se see eliminate you? >> it's been fun. i look like a hot 80s lady from a metal video. >> i should be dancing on a ferarri or something. >> chris: you know what a hot 80s lady from a music video needs? >> what? chris: a red light! here it goes again, on his own. [laughing] >> i'll take it. chris: alright. i'm taking out my white snake. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the band whitesnake. you guys. >> can i give you points.
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is that allowed? >> chris: no legally i can't accept the points. >> chris: that means it's time browser history. it's "for the win!" sean ludwick, a manhattan real estate developer accused of murder, was captured trying to flee to venezuela. and he would have gotten away with it, too, if wasn't for those meddling cops who seized his computer and found his extremely incriminating google searches, including: "ten secrets to being a good liar." "does venezuela extradite to the u.s.?" "why do fugitives get caught?" "how do fugitives escape?" "seeking citizenship in venezuela." these are all real searches by a real criminal. he hoy how to get caught by the cops. i did it, i killed my friend really hard. comedians, now that you think about it, what are some incriminating google searches you should delete from your search history as soon as you
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get home? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. pointsme edition. [cheers and applause]
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meet jimmy. he just got his license and look at him. he's already restoring this beast himself. he's gets specialized tools from our free "loan-a-tool" program. with our help you can always fix your car with confidence. hoods up america. nice. good morning night.. good morning neon, shining bright. good morning hunger. good morning stars. good morning people who just left bars.
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good morning gamers. good morning moon. good morning morning. which will be starting soon. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win."
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i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. i want to say you're doing such a good job on television. honestly, i hope you appreciate what a great job you have done. you worked hard to get here. you deserve it thank you so much, good job. >> thank you for having me. you will have to come back more after you go home and get fired. before the break, i told you about a criminal who sealed his fate with his incriminating google searches, and i asked you for something you should delete from your history. let's see what you came up with! first one, how to anonymously game the pointsme system. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or, or ...
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can baby's untie knots? number two is the winner. kyle kinane. a ex hrebtly fought competition my friend. you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all monday night, when our guests will be jonathan kite, phoebe robinson and alanna ubach. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #catsongs and become monday's tweet of the day. i'm shooting my comedy central in san francisco tomorrow. >> if you're coming thank you so much. see you next week. see you next week. good night. announcer: and now, the reverend jesse jackson and the reverend al sharpton. good evening, and what a glorious week. glorious! tonight we give praise and thanks for this opportunity to speak once again to you... mr. don imus. imus, imus, imus.

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