tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central February 19, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST
( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, jordan carlos, robin thede, and jemele hill. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. keep it 100. tonight's question is from @mercurialmiss. they ask, "#keepit100forever, marry sarah palin or stacey dash?" >> oh! who are you going to marry? >> oh, boy. >> oh, my god. >> larry: this is a horrible dilemma. >> oh, god. >> larry: i mean, i can't
really answer this question. >> oh, larry! >> larry: all right, all right-- >> i know. >> larry: it would have to be stacy dash. i couldn't marry sarah palin. i would never marry sarah palin. thank you very much. thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me keep it 100 questions on twitter. good nightly, everyone. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter! move over drake and meek mill, there's a new rap beef on twiller betweetwitter between
b.o.b and n.d.t. rapper b.o.b, who's never read a conspiracy theory he didn't like, went on a twitter rant recently
about how the earth is flat and the government is so neil degrasse tyson tweeted this: "duude-- to be clear: being five centuries regressed in your reasoning doesn't mean we all can't still like your music" [laughing] sick bunsen burn! naturally b.o.b. ran into the studio to put this out on soundcloud. k-rbed >> neil tyson need to loosen up his vest, they probably write that man one hellva check! take that physics and geometry. so this was put out for a rebuttal from his nephew ♪ >> yo. >> i don't know about y'all but i feel real [beep] high right
now. [laughing] >> chris: i don't know this tyson talk makes me want
to create a mind body warrior of incredible brute force. i present to you neildegrasse tyson. i would still like to hear a disk track performed himself. first what should the rebut thal be? >> b.o.b. can kiss my ass [beep] because he failed my class. [laughing] >> chris: jenny. >> you think -- yo i'm sorry to snitch i'm going to take you to tas skp-bg make you galileo's [beep]
>> chris: marlon wayans. >> i know you [beep]. i [beep] and you're big bombing theory. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> alright. >> okay, then. >> physics, bitch khra *eupl. chris: if neil were going to do one i think it would definitely be that. >> chris: it's time for @midnight! [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's your move, neil. your move. >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight we have three cast members from "fifty shades of black," in theaters this friday. [cheers and applause] performing at the baltimore comedy factory may 5 through the 7th, it's affion crockett. you are playing for
@alanakwhite. [ applause ] >> chris: performing at hyena's in dallas february 4 through the 6th, it's jenny zigrino. [cheers and applause] you are playing for @hoffwit. >> chris: producer, writer & star of "fifty shades of black," it's marlon wayans. [cheers and applause] >> i also will be performing february 19th san antonio, texas the aztec theater and february 20th at the house of blues.
>> chris: today marlon you're playing for @lizzmcdonough. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] here's a list of the most trendingest topics on the web today. first think we're talking about t shirts. the internet had a chuckle chuckle when he posted this picture of his wardrobe with the caption, "first day back after paternity leave: what should i wear?" he has coi coincidentally the se closet as someone at a north korean prison camp. supposedly young zuck wears the same thing everyday to be more efficient; kinda like steve jobs, or the guy you buy weed from. so comedians, what are some other things mark zuckerberg does to be more efficient? >> unplugs his wife when he's not using her. [beep] [cheers and applause] >> chris: affion. >> he doesn't waste a bunch of
time on meaning less things like facebook. >> chris: yes. why not. >> chris: while americans were trapped under three feet of snow this weekend with nothing but thousands of jonas brothers gifs to sustain them, china was also hit with some rare snowfall. how did one chinese citizen deal with the weather. a, dress up like a bear and b, build a snow sculpture. >> b, build a magic snow penis. that's what i do every time. >> chris: yes. that's what it looks like. look at the detail. [cheers and applause] >> that's actually impressive. that's a an exaggeration of a white penis. >> i have seen a lot of pornos. he's right. >> chris: he's right. [laughing] >> how would an asian know to
build that. >> chris: onto our next topic. rocky mountain juice. someone reportedly stole close to $50,000 worth of bull semen off a truck in central california. was it you? this will affect a local farmer. i'm sure they're handling the report with dignity and respect. >> they're the cream of the crop. [ applause ] for more on this delivery truck hijackulating, tune in to channel 13. they tagged it under "bull semen." neighboring it more specific bull semen. a file for all the future bull semen articles. so comedians, since cbs 13
sack-ramento wants to be your number one source for bull spooge news, please give me the headline of another upcoming report they can file under "bull semen." jenny. >> what's inside a bull's penis. we sent sean penn to investigate. >> chris: points. affion. >> donald trump secret styling gel. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> for those of you full of bull. >> chris: marlon. >> finally a cure for detroit's water crisis. >> chris: no. >> women are having a hard time swallowing this. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: that brings us to the end of "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. people are understandably upset that this year's oscar nominees are whiter than a polar bear at an npr party. now i'm not saying the nominees don't deserve to be nominated, some are like, it's not their fault. it's about the representation of
the voting committee. the members voting on nominees are about 94% white with a median age of 62, which means they're about as diverse as a bag of marshmallows. that's not fare. now, the academy has started trying some things to mix up their membership, so hopefully this will be our last oscars with a line up of films that have to wear spf 50 at all times. so as a send off, tonight's hashtag is #makeamoviewhiter. examples: "citizen kale" and "the force awakens, heads to yoga, and then meets some friends for brunch." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. begin. jenny. >> tyler perry -- juice cleanse. chris: affion. >> straight out of newport beach. >> chris: marlon. >> honey, i shrunk the penis. chris: jenny. >> the kids are all white. >> diary of an eye rate white woman. >.>> the passive aggressive 8.
>> jennifer lawrence of arabia. chris: points. >> thelma, my maid. chris: points. perfect place to end the #hashtagwars. send us your #makeamoviewhiter and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @marcuspoliocus. getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play vital peen-formation. sraoeut an peen-formation. there's a lot of bad information when it comes to sex and dating. for instance, if you ask tinder, an acceptable pickup line is-- "hey girl, lemme see some pics of those nasty little feet." so we wanted to highlight some educational videos that give it to you straight, long and hard and straight. comedians, we're going to show you a sex ed video we found online and for 250 points you're going to have to give us the next line. >> first this journalist. >> these magazines have slick nudity on paper. this weakens our resistence to the onslaught of the communist masters of deceit. >> chris: gwennie . >> don't spill your spunk for stalin. save your love for lady liberty.
>> chris: next this animated feature. [laughing] >> chris: affion. >> el penis is muy poquito. chris: points. jenny. >> coming to sundance channel the revnant for kids. >> chris: that's amazing. next the number one sex ed got a important message. >> y'all, this is for the man. y'all need to wash under y'all damn nuts. you know -- [beep]. like under there that skin. >> crazy. >> as you expected, put it in the oven and bake it for 30 minutes.
[laughing] >> chris: affion. >> piggy back off of yours. >> and stop letting your balls drag in the batter when you mix the biscuits up. how else you get the crust on your balls. >> chris: points. >> add baking soda if you want the dick to rise. >> chris: your body will produce it's own yeast. >> that's my job. that's what i do. [laughing] >> chris: moving on. this is real. this was made for a non probity to educate seniors about safe-sex. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: jenny. >> baby, are you wet or is that your i incontinence. crist points. marlon. >> i have fallen but my dick is up. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of vital peen-formation. it's time for our live challenge, bone shopping network. maybe you're a senior in the last video. or maybe you're looking to spice up your sex life, there's nothing better than the optisex romantic fantasy swing set on amazon. perfect for couples. just thing it's just an apparatus for sex. a review from boing boing reveals another use. it reads: "also helps for
washing large dog. i hang swing from a tree branch and put dog in swing and wash dog while dog hangs in swing." "gotta make sure they're clean before you [beep] them. >> -- happy? chris: no she looks like she's -- [laughing] >> chris: this got us wondering what practical uses other sex toys have. comedians, we're giving you each a sex toy. affion, i'm giving you this. this is for you. >> thank you. chris: this is for you. then you get this zipper mask there. you have to sell us on something other than its intended purpose. we will get your answers after
siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a super fun looking sex swing that one customer used
to wash their dogs and asked you to similarly sell us a sex toy for something less naughty. let's see what you came up with. jenny. >> my kid loves his new pool toy and the cup holder is super tight soy don't spill any of my drink on my dick. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: marlon. >> this is the new futuristic -- [laughing] >> -- like bernard hopkins -- [laughing] >> -- the new futuristic storm trooper -- mask. i'm telling you there is [beep] in the future. [laughing] >> -- endorse the by donald trump. [cheers and applause] >> chris: affion. >> now you can fist bump
yourself while you go [beep] yourself. >> chris: alright. points. [laughing] >> chris: excellent. >> i have a flight later. [laughing] >> when n. the speeches he did this -- get the [beep] out of here. >> okay. >> i think is like -- [laughing] >> chris: that was a flawless chris rock. >> come on, man. >> chris hardwick. chris rock. all about chris. [laughing] >> everybody loves chris. [cheers and applause] >> chris: they do. they do. >> thank you, sir. chris: excellent. a thousand points to marlon. 500 to jenny and affion. to our next game. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: it's time for dog time. photobombs, like everything in life, are always better when they involve dogs. aults. we found a delightful bunch of dogs photobombing pictures on dogtime.com. for example, here's a classic... [laughing] >> chris: dog with the cat sleeves. driving. i was disappointed to learn that "dog time" wasn't just "time" magazine for dogs. think of all the hard-hitting dog news! comedians, since i can make you do whatever i want, i'd like you to list as many articles as you can that might appear in "time" magazine for dogs. examples might be "this year's best tennis balls rated for chewiness" or "why your farts shouldn't startle you." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. jenny. >> are you a basic bitch? chris: points. affion. >> how to bark all the time like an asshole when you live in an apartment building. kreufpl points.
jenny. >> five things to know before you eat the chocolate. >> chris: points. marlon wayans. >> how to break up with your owner. >> chris: points. affion. >> the top ten porches it would be perfect for to you die under. >> chris: points. gwennie . >> ten hot celebrity legs perfect for humping. >> chris: marlon. >> squirrel on squirrel action. [laughing] >> chris: points. affion. >> your owner, really your best friend or some assho *el who lot money on new a dog fight. >> chris: points. jenny. >> how to bring the spark back to the bedroom when you lost your ball. >> chris: that brings us to the end of "dog time." affion, you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> [beep] this podium! [cheers and applause] >> chris: affion crockett. "50 shades of black" go see it.
it's time to ride the zamboni. it's for the win. now we turn to some adorable hockey news. a young fan at a recent ottowa senators game held up a sign directed at player bobby ryan reading: "bobby, dad said if you score, we get a puppy!" well score he did, and dad had a great reaction. [laughing] >> kpheudians as the raf i did hockey fans are you. come up with a better sign to in spire a hockey player to score. we will have the answers and our winner when we come back to "@midnight."
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i showed you an adorable tyke who inspired a hockey player to score with a sign about a new puppy and asked you to come up with your own inspirational sign. let's see what you came up with.
>> score a goal. no amount of goals will fill the void in your soul. you will die alone. go bruins! [cheers and applause] >> chris: or. if you score a goal i promise not to make a sequel, "50 shades of gray." [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two seems to be the winner. who is number two? marlon wayans. [cheers and applause] >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be esther povitsky, brandon wardell, and ryan stout. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #makeamoviewhiter and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight! ic playing ] guard! guard! what now, saddam?