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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 23, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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twitter! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on cnn.com today. well, it finally happened: the original flat white, jeb bush suspended his campaign saturday, proving that a family of former presidents and a bottomless pile of cash can't make up for having as much charisma as a jar of mayonnaise. i actually kind of feel bad for him! he came out. i think his idea was i will be level headed and reasonable. the reasonable one in an ocean of insane people. thinking the entire race is just show ponies in a bag of crack and shoved a clown in their butt
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hold. i want to be totally level headed. the ocean he was in turned out to be a xenophobic tsunami of - and now he's like "what happened?! where are my glasses?! why are my pants wet?!" is if this is what you want america [beep] you. you [beep] whatever happens. you [beep] deserve it one of the saddest moments of jeb's campaign came when an anonymous troll bought "jebbush.com" and set it up to redirect to donald trump's website. but this is what jebbush.com looks like now: oh. the internet equivalent of a tumbleweed. ironically, nothing is more representative of jeb's entire presidential campaign than a generic dead-end. but i think this url can be put to better use, so comedians, what should jebbush.com be used for now?
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gillian. >> how about a voice recognition program that gives you thunderous applause when you say, please crash. [ applause ] >> chris: i want that. if that's a thing. claudia. >> -- awareness. [ applause ] >> chris: paul? >> like a live video feed of jeb bush home alone giving speeches to his pet turtle. >> chris: of course these are all good ideas. we're back after a week and a half long break. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's time for @midnight! i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have the cast of "love," season one is streaming now on netflix. she plays mickey, it's gillian jacobs. [cheers and applause] >> chris: she plays bertie, it's claudia o'doherty. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: he plays gus, it's paul rust. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] >> chris: just a little graphic. these are the topics trending upward most on the graph of web relevance today. first topic 1984. we all got a glimpse of our future when mark zuckerberg posted this photo on his facebook page sunday. this is the real world. the matrix is powered by dads and masturbators. being used as batteries. the jerking motion generates btus that power the robots that control our planet. commodians, what are they watching on the vr headsets? >> probably a simulation of what it would be like to work with a
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woman. [laughing] >> chris: pause rust. >> i think it's a video of mark sucker berg walking down an isle calmly wearing a tkpraeu shirt. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: so immersive. onto our next topic. hit letters last day. hitler's last day. he had one testicle. did you know that? now you do. talk about low-hanging fruit-- but it turns out one ball wasn't the only thing make him nuts. just let it go. according to historians who were trying not to laugh, what other embarrassing situation did hitler have going on in his hitler pants? a.) a micropenis. b.) a second empty vestigial scrotum. c.) uncontrollable flatulence >> he had a micropenis. chris: let's find out. it is a micropenis.
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[ applause ] >> chris: silence! hitler has a tiny deformed penis. >> i would kill for a micro penis. >> chris: what? [laughing] >> i have, i have a nano penis. [laughing] >> chris: got ya. we do have a photo of hitler's tiny deformed penis, it looks like this. there it is. [ applause ] >> chris: according to the book he had a condition called hypospadius. the pee hole is located on the under side of the shaft. this guy was a disaster down there. history's greatest monitor had to pee sitting down. every time -- [laughing] >> chris: -- he had to have a wee. >> conversely ghandi had a big
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old dong. >> chris: won a noble prize with that big dick, ghandi. next topic, gronk aerbg's party. nfl superstar and real-life encino man, rob gronkowski, has been keeping himself busy this off-season by hosting his own party cruise. >> hey it's rob gronkowski here and i want to personally thank you for booking at gronk's party ship. and we got some wild activities for you to participate in with me and my family. [laughing] >> chris: thanks for taking the time to film your official video in a porn closet. here is official video of cruise goers having fun. ♪ ♪ [laughing] >> chris: you know i bet you could just stitch together
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instagram videos from that cruise and make another "entourage" movie. i would honestly rather be dropped alone in syria than spend five minutes on that jizz boat. there's no way this cruise is moating safety standards -- people are going to die on this cruise. what are ways po *epl could die on this cruise? >> mistaking backed up toilet waste for chili. think about it. this is probably blood in there. it will look like a tomato based chili and unidentifiable chunks. >> chris: alright. it's time for rapid refresh. -- that's it for rapid refresh. it's time for #hashtagwars. communication is changing these days.
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if you've got a grievance with your significant other, sitting down like adults and talking it out is soooooo early 2000's! if you really want to let your partner know what's bugging you, call them out online for everyone to see! that's why tonight's hashtag is: #ilovebaebut. examples: "i wish her cat mouth could form actual words" i will put of 0 ebgdz on the clock. >> i love bae but she goes through too many batteries. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: paul rust. >> i love bae, not bae's butt. chris: claudia. >> i love lae. she makes me call her bae. it's uncomfortable. >> chris: paul rust. >> i love bae. he crashed her pane, she's e melia -- >> chris: claudia. >> he's in gauged to her.
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chris: gillian. >> i love bae. we have to go our separate bays. >> chris: claudia. >> i love bae i think his vision for transformers has gone stale and he should hang -- [laughing] >> chris: points. paul russ. >> i love bae. i say potato. she says po-toters. is that normal? >> chris: i know you felt that was the show saying it was wrong a wrong answer. that's just the end of the clock. let me give you points for the po-toters. >> it felt wrong t felt wrong in my heart. >> chris: that's the end of our #hashtagwars. send us your #ilovebaebut and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play amazons book fair: pulp erotica edition. [cheers and applause] in the pre-digital age our ancestors were forced to whack-off to dirty books they found in a moldy cardboard box in the woods. so comedians, i'm going to show you covers we found on "pulpcovers.com's" collection of books our perverted grandparents used to beat the dicks that beat the nazis, and for 250 points i -- unlike hitler's tiny deformed penis. like a licky piece of candy corn on top of a rice ball.sorry, i forgot where i was -- i would like you to give me a chapter from each erotic pulp novel. first up "three women" featuring two women. >> chapter one, six boobs. [ applause ] >> chris: points.
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claudia. >> chapter one, where did judy go we really miss judy. [laughing] >> chris: intimate picture of women in love with each other. gillian. >> chapter 3, should we just start without her. >> chris: yes, points. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, "thy neighbor's ass." i meant coming up next ... >> chapter 2, covt it and shove it. [ applause ] >> chris: thy neighbor's ass. paul rust. >> chapter 4, it smells like poop. [laughing] >> chris: hence the poop wasn't made in this house. it came from thy neighbor's ass.
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next one, next one. "the hayseed and the hooker." a heyseed and a hooking professional here doing business. paul rust. >> chapter 8, plowing them fields. [laughing] >> chris: points. chapter 8. claudia. >> chapter 3, what is on her shirt. [laughing] >> chris: next up "the girls at wendy's." gillian. >> chapter 9 i [beep] dave thomas! [ applause ] >> chris: i don't know if anyone said that. [laughing] >> chris: paul rust. >> chapter 9, employees must watch fists.
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[laughing] >> hi, mom. [laughing] >> chris: finally, "back woods shack: the raeftistic story of a love-hungry girl in the florida scrublands." what else do you do in the scrublands. claudia. >> chapter 1, the unsettling sequel to love shack. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> it's a back woods shack, baby. >> chris: that's the end of amazons book fair: pulp erotica edition. it's time for our live 110 fax. 110 curious. fluff pieces are the bread and butter of local news, which is why "good day, spokane" thought
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they had a slam dunk with this fun little segment on a local woman's 110th birthday. but little did they know that flossie dickey wasn't going to take any [beep]. check this out. >> flossie, you say you're a little tired this morning, is that right? >> i am tired. >> later today, flossie's family is gonna be coming out here to throw you a big birthday party. are you excited for your party? >> not one bit. [cheers and applause] >> chris: better call a proctologist, because sentient "far side" cartoon, flossie dickey, just tore you a new asshole. she's done this song and dance every year since she turned 99 and she's done playing your (/ bleep/ ) games. every day sleaze like, still. when does it end! comedians, as ancient firecracker flossie dickey,
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please give us another one of her quotes that didn't make the cut. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! more @midnight! [cheers and applause] getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you about 110-year-old flossie dickey. i asked for a quote on the cutting room floor. welcome spokane, we're here with flossie dickey celebrating her 110 birthday. she just won't die. flossie, any draw backs to living such a long life. >> i figured the worst part of selling my soul to the delve ill for eternal life would be watching everyone i know and love die around me, but it turns out the worst part is living long enough to be on the morning news. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: flossie, how do you stay so energetic? >> please leave me alone so i can finish my cup of poison. [laughing] >> chris: flossie, so what is
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your secret? >> i haven't been able to smile since the crucifixion. [laughing] >> chris: alright. back to you, frank. >> chris: i think i have to give a thousand points to claudia there. i will give -- i will give too to paul and gillian. our next game "disease songs." disease songs. everyone is worried about the spread of ziki virus. fortunately they're teaching everyone about it with this video. ♪ ♪
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>> chris: just do all that [beep] and you're fine. that is catching. the song and the disease. in the spirit of the song i would like you to name disease songs as you can. maybe true choleras. and my neck, by back, my pusy and malaria. >> tiny cancer. chris: points. gillian. >> anything by the cure. chris: points. paul. >> woop there it aids. chris: points. >> die like an egyptian. chris: claudia. >> it's raining meningitis. [laughing] >> chris: points. paul rust. >> shingle bells. chris: points. gillian. >> simply irresistible bowel syndrome. >> chris: claudia. >> get out of my dreams and get into this containment suit.
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>> chris: well done. paul. >> i just called to say i'm positive. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright points for paul rust. that's the end of disease songs. paul rust, you're in third place. we must eliminate you from the show. you can come back another time. you're a delightful human being. any final words. >> i love you both. love as in love on netflix. >> chris: yes, paul rust, everyone. red light. >> it's time to nip it in the bud. it's for the win. reddit user "microbionic" posted higher than a phish concert in denver on 4/20, and that someone is his cat.
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the title of the post says: "bought my cat a pound of catnip, good kitty." now just to help illustrate what is happening here. can you zoom in on the cat's face. that's [beep] amazing. time it fluid. the world is swimming in it. since snoop kitty kat is probably having some incredible tongue-shower thoughts, please give me one of his stoned tweets. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight -- cat midnight. one day a rider made a decision. the decision to ride on and save money. he decided to save money by switching his motorcycle insurance to geico. there's no shame in saving money.
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applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot. melty. cheese. fresh. pico de gallo. woah... mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. that means the wiping happens now. wipe, wipe, wife. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you a picture that was posted to reddit of a cat tripping balls and asked you to give me one of his stoned tweets. let's see what you came up with. first one, first one ... bill cosby innocent. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: oh, i'm so glad someone finally explained that to me. or, or ... wow every time i clean myself
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i'm getting pusy. #self69. who is number one? claudia o'doherty! >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be mary lynn rajskub, kurt braunohler, and craig ferguson. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #ilovebaebut and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled]

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