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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  February 23, 2016 9:00am-9:37am PST

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♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: whoo! man! thank you very much! oh, man! (cheers and applause) wow! thank you! good to be back! welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. such a great crowd! oh! so nice. with a scant 259 days left before election day, the
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de-negro-fication of the white house is getting closer and closer. (laughter) closer and closer. so let's check in to see what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ (applause) on saturday, hillary clinton and bernie sanders took their fierce battle to the state of nevada. it was like pacquiao-mayweather in las vegas, but with less homophobia and more aarp eligibility. little bit lower! (laughter) bernie had some momentum, but hillary's campaign knew just the right ointment to treat the bern. (laughter) she won easily and turnout was high. but there was one key demographic that was in dispute. >> in a new memo, the clinton camp is disputing entrance polls that showed sanders won the latino vote by 8 points. it is not possible that clinton lost the latino vote, the campaign writes, citing her double-digit win in the heavily latino clark county, home of las vegas.
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>> larry: yeah, they're fighting over latinos! it's your turn to be fawned over amigos! first it was the farmers in iowa, then it was the people who don't care if they live free or die in new hampshire, south carolina -- it was all about "the blacks," and now in nevada -- pandering to hispanics, or as we like to call it, hispandering. (laughter) > >> larry: thank you very much. here to help us understand hispandering, please welcome our own grace parra. (cheers and applause) so grace, as a mexican-american, who do you think won the hispanic vote in nevada? >> grace: larry, the question isn't who won the hispanic vote. it's "como trata de ganar cada candidato?" >> larry: yeah, what? >> grace: how does each candidate try to win? pandering to hispanics is a very careful science. you have to come at us the right way -- we're not all one group.
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no somos unidos, larry. >> larry: right, no united states! i understood that one. yeah. okay. >> grace: each group has its own issue. you have puerto ricans, you have cubans, you have mexicans, colombians, dominicans who live in costa rica but spent some time in cuba, but you could swear they really look mexican, but then you find out they're actually salvadoran. >> larry: okay. i get it. it's very complex. so should hispanderring be approached? >> grace: each issue is different, larry. take immigration -- immigrating from cuba is easier than immigrating from mexico. so cubans would love for trump to build a wall and get the mexicans to pay for it, but mexicans would say (bleep), all night long. >> larry: i think i kind of get what (bleep) means right now. so know your audience on immigration. >> grace: on anything.
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i can farming. if you use the word "platano" to mean "banana" around colombians, they're going to freak out that you didn't say "banano." >> larry: so why not always say "banano"? >> grace: because "banano" is ridiculous! but then again, i'm mexican. >> larry: wow, that is nuance. now i can understand why candidates just stick to a couple of vague immigration talking points. >> grace: and that's part of the problem, too! latinos don't just care about immigration. we have lots of priorities -- jobs, poverty, whether to pronounce it (english) univision or (spanish) univision? >> larry: so you're saying if candidates want to win over hispanic voters, they should talk to them like they're -- >> grace: actual voters. >> larry: all right. grace parra, everyone! (cheers and applause) okay, so what went down on the republican side in south carolina? well, trump won, and jeb bush pulled out.
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>> that's what she said. (laughter) >> larry: oh, man! poor, brave jeb. still providing laughter through the tears. it's so sad! now jeb's campaign was doomed from the start. his cynical strategy was to raise an obscene amount of money before the primaries even began to he could scare off any other republicans from getting in the race. it's a strategy his supporters referred to as "shock and awe ." yes, and if that name sounds familiar, it's because it's the same nickname as dubya's failed military strategy for iraq. so you want people to associate your campaign with one of the biggest u.s. military blunders? what was the second-choice name, "katrina"? (laughter) i mean, it doesn't even make sense. "we're gonna make some commercials and we're going to flood the air waves! yeah! i'm going to bamboozle my opponents so bad, they're going to feel like black people trapped in the superdome.
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(audience reacts) oh, that doesn't work? okay, fine -- exclamation point! (laughter) thank you for playing the part of the staff. i really appreciate it. (laughter) jeb's blindness to his brother's failure was the central problem of his campaign. he never realized his brother's presidency was a disaster that americans didn't want to return to. seriously, no one. >> we've had enough bushes. >> i'm not sure who that nice old lady is, but i know she had something vaguely to do with the bushes. i do, however, want to give jeb credit for being one of the few adults in the g.o.p. and the only candidate who consistently called trump out on his bull (bleep). but now jeb is gone and the republican party is left with this gentleman. >> she said he's a pussy. that's terrible. >> larry: no, you're terrible, terrible. but that's nothing. at the final rally before the south carolina primary, trump
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treated the audience to apparently one of his favorite bedtime stories about muslims. >> can you imagine these people, when they sit around at night, eating..." (audience reacts) >> larry: food, i think you mean food! but forgive me for interrupting, professor trump. you were educating us on the muslim faith. please continue. >> early in the century, the last century, general pershing, did you ever hear? rough guy, rough guy. and they had a terrorism problem. and there's a whole thing with swine and animals and pigs and you know the story. okay. they don't like that. >> larry: right, they're not fond of pigs, unlike your supporters who are in love with one. (audience reacts) (whispers) with you!
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i'm sorry, continue with your fever dream. >> he took 50 bullets, and he dipped them in pig's blood. and he had his men load his rifles, and he lined up the 50 people, and they shot 49 of those people, and the 50th person -- he said, "you go back to your people and you tell them what happened. >> larry: and anyhow, after this cute little story about executing muslim prisoners with pig's blood, he won every district in south carolina. now, i don't know who's scarier -- trump or the people voting for him. i just wish they would do me one favor -- please stop saying the guy who wants to provide free public education and universal healthcare is the kooky one. (cheers and applause) i never thought i'd say this, but i think i miss jeb. thanks, jeb. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. of course, the biggest story in washington last week was the death of supreme court justice antonin scalia. i mean, this was crazy. the most conservative member of the court drops dead during the most insane campaign season in a century. who's writing this presidential election, shonda rhimes? (laughter) i'm a little skeptical of this
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crazy plot twist, and i'm not the only one. >> charlie rose: the "los angeles times" is looking at conspiracy theories about the circumstances of justice antonin scalia's death. some of them have been fueled by comments from donald trump. >> they say they found a pillow on his face, which is a pretty unsurely place to find a pillow." (laughter) >> larry: no, it's not! pillows actually spend most of their time near faces. that's their main thing. an unusual place to find a pillow would be, like, orbiting mars, or inside a box labeled "no pillows." (laughter) this is insane. why would people think there was a plot to murder scalia? for more on this, we decided to check in with our own conspiracy expert, mike yard, and "the y files." ♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: mike, do you really think there was a conspiracy to have scalia offed? >> mike: of course, larry! i'm here at the ranch, and i've
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cracked this scalia thing wide open! >> larry: oh, my god. really? what have you found? >> mike: oh, come on, open your eyes, wilmore! this thing goes all the way to the top. we're through the looking glass here! wake up, sheeple! come on! >> larry: wow, i -- wait, you didn't actually say anything! you're just spouting conspiracy cliches! >> mike: do i need to say anything, larry? he had a pillow over his face, case closed! >> larry: actually, he didn't have a pillow over his face. the ranch owner, john poindexter, later clarified that he meant "over his head," like between his head and the headboard. >> mike: or is that what "they" want you to think? >> larry: who's "they"? >> mike: exactly! think about it, the ranch owner is john poindexter? poindexter? "revenge of the nerds"? nerds, the delicious treat made by wonka candy company, named after a man played by gene wilder, gene wilder. g.w. g.w.b. george w. bush. bush v. gore, one of scalia's most monumental decisions!
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put it together! put it together! come on! (applause) >> larry: what are you even saying? >> mike: the man was quail hunting the day before he died. quail? dan quayle? vice president of george h.w. bush, bush, the '90s band big in the grunge scene, grunge, kurt cobain. was he killed by courtney love? we may never know. >> larry: old on, hold on just a second! what does that have to do with antonin scalia? the guy was just a 79-year-old man with a history of heart problems. >> mike: prove it. >> larry: wait. why do i have to prove my very believable premise, but you don't have to prove any of the crazy (bleep) you say? >> mike: that's how conspiracies work, larry. fine, you want something provable. how about this? >> larry: oh, here we go. more crazy nonsense. >> mike: hear me out. >> larry: okay. >> mike: john poindexter, the billionaire who owns the ranch where scalia was vacationing for free when he died, was the
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subject of an age-discrimination case that was never heard by the supreme court because scalia helped vote it down. cut to, scalia enjoying a free vacation from the guy. tell me that's not messed up. (audience reacts) >> larry: that's actually pretty messed up, mike. you're right. >> mike: oh, who's the crazy person now? >> larry: i'm sorry i doubted you. >> mike: anyway, all of this brings me to my main point, that avril lavigne is dead and she was replaced with a body double in 2002. >> larry: no, mike. that's insane! mike yard, everyone! >> mike: google it, people! >> larry: we'll be right back. so, kyrie. while you were on the mend, we had to make a commercial. but don't worry, we studied your game, and we found someone who really matches your skills. ♪ i am kyrie irving. i have speed...from every angle.
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and he's a pulitzer prize winning journalist, filmmaker and you can check out his latest project "#emergingus." jose antonio vargas. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter, @nightlyshow, hashtag "tonightly. alright. tonight i want to talk about the latino vote - a huge diverse community that the candidates can't seem to figure out. i i mean, you have cubans, puerto ricans, dominicans, mexicans... so why does it seem like all hispanics are lumped together? is that a mistake? >> it's easy to streamline. but i don't think the candidates know we're different. >> the political reporters know they're different, right? >> yes. ou put marco rubio and ted cruz in los angeles, i'm not sure they'll do that well. >> larry: different culture. but kind of how they lump all asian people together. i'm philippine o. you see an asian looking person with a spanish name, it means their
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filipino. it's called colloquialism. >> larry: america's head exploded. (laughter) >> and i'm mentioned in bloc studies in college, i'm gay, undocumented -- i'm trying to get people as uncomfortable as possible. >> larry: you just hate america, don't you? >> no, i love america! i think this is what merging us is about. too often in this country in political media, they put us in boxes, the gay, lateen o the black thing, what if they all intersect in one person? then what does that mean? >> especially when it comes to immigration. the way people immigrate from cuba is very different than where my parents -- >> larry: what's the different. >> the difference between cuba and mexico -- >> larry: besides the journey and the food. >> a lot of this is -- >> larry: salsa!
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cuban sals as much different. >> i just meant the kind you e eat. >> i didn't know what certain types of food were when i lived in los angeles. in mexico those are different things. in cuba, if you set foot on american soil, you get emigrated. if you're mexican, it could be decades. >> this is what i find fascinating. we talk about immigration every day. why can't we talk about facts? the fastest growing undocumented population in american are asian undocumented people. >> larry: especially in california. >> in california, washington state, the, the and yet people think this is a mexican, latino, brown border issue. >> that's the biggest misconception. >> larry: are some undocumented agents like, sh h
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hh! >> chill out! (laughter) (talking at the same time) >> funny you said that. i used to live in new york and i went to this dry cleaning woman and she wasn't charging me. i looked on my credit card and i said, you're not charging me. she said, we're the same. i'm, like, yo i have a lot of lawyers. oh you want a lawyer? no, no, no, no! >> shhh! we don't even talk about undocumented black people. >> what! >> larry: we're undocumented for a very good reason! a whole different set of documents. we were brought here by force. >> i'm not talking about that! >> larry: they're "for sale" documents. (laughter)
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>> i'm talking about undocumented jamaicans, haitians, nigerians. an undocumented black gay person? how do you even explain that to donald trump? >> larry: (bleep) america again. why is there so much attention always placed on mexico and building the wall? >> i think a lot of it has to do with, again, this is the media's failure in trying to contextualize this issue. i'm launching this thing to better report on issues of immigration and race. here's the question -- why are we blaming all these undocumented workers? the economy of this country would collapse without undocumented labor. new york city alone, instead of pointing at them, why don't we look at the employers who exploit all these workers? we as a country are into cheap labor. i don't need to talk to you about that, right?
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(laughter) larry: why do you think cruz and rubio don't really embrace their hispanic heritage? >> whoa... they're hispanic? >> larry: yeah. or do they just use it when it's convenient? >> that's what will what they do, they use it when it's convenient. rubio speaks perfect spanish and he never chooses to pull it out. jeb bush, perspective spanish. and during his entire campaign, never spoke it. >> larry: he had the upside down explanation point. >> that's true. >> larry: out of fairness. tatthat's true. i think race is important to talk about when talking about this because it feels like, in an attempt to get rich, white voters, rubio and cruz have
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alienated latinos where we don't trust them. >> larry: is it going to be a major factor in this election? >> huge. there are 27.3 million hispanics eligible to vote this year, more than ever before. 44% millennials, too. and we're an excitable people. >> larry: excitable? yeah, very excitable. donald trump is the greatest mobilizer of the latino, asian and black vote this country has ever seen and i think all these voters will turn out. >> against him? . i hope so. we'll see. >> larry: okay. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> if you live in the new york city area or planning event, grab free tickets to "the nightly show"! (cheer
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>> larry: thanks to my panelists jordan carlos, grace parra, jose antonio vargas. we're almost out of time. but before we go, i'm going to inskeekeep it 100.
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tonight's question is from "at mas-11680." . they ask #inskeep it 100 dinner with george washington carver or lunch with @neil tyson? (panelists ad-lib throwing tea or putting stickers on larry >> larry: i'd have to have him throw peanuts with me! thanks for watching! don't forget to ask me your inskeep it 100 questions on twitter! (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. we have a great show for you tonight. democratic new jersey senator corey booker is here. (applause). >> trevor: and he is going to tell us how to unite america. timely! but first, man, it feels so good to be back. because we have been gone for a week and while we were gone, look at all the [bleep] that happened? the supreme court justice died, ted cruz made an ad with a porn star. apple joined isis, and those are stories that don't even involve donald trump. because in one week alone, donald trump fought with the


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