tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central February 24, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST
good night, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on latimes.com! no sooner has the f.b.i. resolved the oregon militia conflict, then they're involved in yet another stand-off with a different group of unwashed beard owners: apple users. apple c.e.o. tim cook has refused to allow the f.b.i. access to a suspected terrorist's iphone, saying it will compromise the privacy of all its other customers. and this is where jungle-murder suspect, and komodo dragon wrapped in sandpaper, john mcafee comes in to break the standoff. i don't know if you're familiar with mcafee software.
the anti-virus guru, who looks like the guy sammy hagar would hire to kill his wife, has for some reason look like he's standing in a store offered to hack into the phone himself, promising that if he can't do it within three weeks, he will "eat his shoe." [laughing] hmm, don't you get the sense that he's already eaten all of his shoes? so comedians, what are some ways other famous lunatics are offering to help the f.b.i.? mary lynn, go! >> if tila can't hack into your phone, she will hack into your pants. >> chris: yes. [ applause ] >> chris: craig ferguson. >> if nicholas cage can't hack into your iphone he will [beep] six movies and the eye holes of a dinosaur spawn. [ applause ]
>> chris: like tyrannosaurs sex. kurt braunohler. >> if taylor swift can't hack into your iphone she will burst into flames and die. taylor swift does everything right. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. of a invisible prize. tonight's comedians are: performing at the comedy zone in jacksonville, florida march 3-5, it's mary lynn rajskub. you are playing for @patiompls. host of joyner die.
a show i have done. thursdays on the history channel. with craig ferguson," thursdays on history channel, it's craig ferguson. you are playing for @iamyourbosslady. [laughing] >> i'm always playing for i am your boss lady. >> chris: performing at vermont comedy club in burlington this weekend, it's kurt braunohler. you are playing for @chasingbristol. michael henson. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh!" [cheers and applause] here are the top trending trendicles on the trendernet today.
>> chris: first money problems. tax season is upon us and even little kids are getting stressed out! a new study from the university of york reports that a third of eight-year-olds are concerned about money, while the other two thirds are too busy worrying about if they'll have to eat broccoli today. though this does explain why the i.r.s. has been getting all those "i-am-9" forms. [laughing] >> chris: no, it's too late. no. >> that was -- that was don't do that again. [laughing] >> that was please, no more of that applause. >> chris: it's finally over. it's sad that so many third-graders are living tooth fairy payment to tooth fairy payment. the good old days all the kids had to worry about was all-out nuclear war. so comedians, please give some financial advice to a stressed out eight-year-old. >> relax this won't seen like a big deal once you get uncontrollable boners in public.
>> chris: points. mary lynn. >> stop buying castles and prehistoric skeletons, nick gauge. >> check your father's search history. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: thank you so much financial advisors. >> chris: on to our next topic: cat. check this "meowt!" >> ya, don't do that again! don't do it again. >> chris: craig ferguson is right. imgur user "tywjust" posted a gif of his cat performing a weird amazing feat so impressive that it deserves a round of "appawse." [laughing] >> [beep] shut up! >> you respect my politics. >> craig is turning them against
you. >> chris: they use to love puns. >> it's not the puns -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you, craig ferguson, for that. what does his cat do? backflip onto a pile of cucumbers, or find an interesting way to use a door? craig ferguson. >> one of those. chris: technically accurate, which one. >> i think he uses interesting way to use a door. adorable that way, absolutely. >> chris: 5- door-able. 5don't listen to this man. don't listen to him! [cheers and applause] >> chris: stop! >> the cue come %. chris: now let's prove it.
[laughing] >> looking good for me. yaaaa! [cheers and applause] >> wait you have doors like that? >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." a pair of researchers published findings in "royal society open science" on monday of what they believe to be the world's oldest fairy tale, dating back nearly 6,000 years. it's called "the smith and the devil" and is, of course, the story of the deal that was made to allow jaden to remain famous. [cheers and applause] >> wow. >> mee-ow. >> oh, no. so, in honor of the oldest fairy tale known to man, let's go the other way with it and modernize some fairy tales with tonight's hashtag: #updateafairytale.
examples: "trumpty dumpty," "little red riding hoodie" and "three little pigs, one cup." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. [laughing] >> chris: i will put -- >> wait. who was that, was that the voice of the wolf? >> chris: the wolf. >> just a simple southern [beep] eating wolf here. >> chris: my oh my it's hot today. it is almost too hot for [beep] eating. i will do it anyways. that's the only thing that gets this old wolf a boner anymore. [laughing] >> chris: 60 seconds on the clock, begin. craig ferguson. >> sleeping beauty meets bill cosby. [beep] [laughing] >> chris: points. mary lynn. >> grinder and the three bears.
chris: points. kurt. >> [beep] chris: kurt. >> hand sell an hansel and hans. >> -- america is a mess. >> little red have ing hood. >> mary had a little lamb on her cheat day. [laughing] >> three little pigs front cruz rubio. >> the gluten free muffin man. chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #updateafairytale and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet of the day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @foodmancing. to us by @foodmancing. well done!
then quickly fell back to earth landing on the roof of a dutch colonial. luckily geico recently helped the residents with homeowners insurance. they were able to get the roof repaired like new. they later sold the cow because they had all become lactose intolerant. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. applebee's fan favorites bourbon st. chicken and shrimp? it's so smokey and mysterious... then that cajun spice. i almost forgot i could feel this way. she used to talk about me like that. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. and now it's time to play "ski bums." limberg up. warming up. getting the blood flow. ski slopes are magical winter wonderlands with everything fans of freezing their balls off could want, from $14 bowls of clam chowder to nine-hour lines for chair lifts. but one thing they don't seem to have is a marketing budget, which is why so many ads for local ski areas are horrendous.
i'm going to show you a commercial for a local ski resort and for 250 points you're going to give me its slogan. first up, this vintage 1987 spot for a very kid-friendly resort. >> one double, five triple chairs, and friendly staff get you where you want to go. on top. the summit. hot dog! watch me, here i go. >> hot dogs for the kids. cocaine for dad. >> chris: points. skiing on it. mary lynn. >> hot dog stand double as a day care to [beep] your ski instructor. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, this very adult commercial for the alps. >> two in the swiss, one in the alps. >> chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, an ad from a
stew-happy ski resort in switzerland. >> i stand on ground i've walked before. >> a big pot of stew. >> please, until next year we have moving picture family. [laughing] >> chris: we are almost out of our [beep] stew. it was consumed by a wolf. [laughing] >> chris: craig ferguson. >> for those who died on the slopes this year in memorial. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> and also talking like this. chris: yes, it was just this one man. >> i do so enjoy eating [beep].
[laughing] >> i do beg your pardon i'm a wolf. i'm a wolf from ancient britain. and we eat [beep] too. >> chris: we're playing the country wolf she wolf. [cheers and applause] >> ya. >> oh who cares about my answer. [laughing] >> chris: come on. >> i'm a [beep] eating wolf, i [beep] my pants, i have a boner. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> well taken. >> ya. >> i am a wolf i put my boner in and then -- >> me madam wolf, i couldn't help but notice you. >> i'm a [beep] wolf fella like yourself. i would like to place my boner in the stoop.
>> do pardon me i do hate to cut in. i'm not from around these parts. i also enjoy eating of the feces. >> chris: don't listen to this city slicker [beep] eater here trying to get your affections. >> i feel like we're in the middle of a weird improve. [ applause ] >> chris: stop it, stop it. stop it. >> chris: that's the end of "ski bums." it's time for our live challenge, "jesus christ pose." american christians tend to represent jesus as a meek, friendly white guy who looks like someone you might rent a snowboard from. but is that really how you want your all-powerful savior represented? personally, i prefer the jesus they worship in korea. the man is jacked.
i got minds to twist and alrivalues to warp.his. mr. tyler, your skittles portrait. that is e to the z oh twiddly dee-sgusting! you haven't heard me sing diddly-ding yet. ♪ dream on! higher. ♪ dream on! i think a little higher! ♪ dreammmm onnnnnnnn! ♪ dreammm onnnn! rock the rainbow. taste the rainbow. ♪ hey, hulk. don't worry i'll return this later... empty! oh, no. rooroooaar! wow, so angry. roar! hmmmmm.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a picture of a super-ripped korean jesus clearly coming back from the gun show. i asked you to give me a line from one of his sermons. let's see what you came up with. craig ferguson. >> i think i have to perform a miracle. these are sick! >> chris: yes. [ applause ] >> started off jesus then government -- >> that was the point. it was a journey. >> a journey. chris: mary lynn. >> get behind me satan and spot me. then i will enter a spot for you. then we can soak each others dicks in the locker room. >> okay.
[ applause ] >> chris: kurt braunohler. >> do others as you would have other do you. ripped jesus love to [beep] >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: i will do a thousand points to mary lynn. >> no kidding. chris: a thousand points to mary lynn. 500 craig and kurt. to the next game. >> chris: it's time for "secret service code names." the secret service has given a code name to meringue-boned democratic candidate bernie sanders, and that name is "intrepid." "intrepid" is also the brand name of bernie's canadian dry mouth medication. he's very old. the secret service has been doing this for years, from ronald reagan, who was code named "rawhide," to george w. bush, whose code name was "short bus." so comedians, i'm going to show you some political figures, and i want you to give me their code
names. first, vladimir putin. >> pussy riot. chris: points. >> chris: next, angela merkel. >> sponge bob square papts. chris: ness. [ applause ] >> chris: next, kim jong-un. mary lynn. >> kim kardashhole. chris: so good. [ applause ] >> chris: next, ted cruz. >> repulso. [ applause ] >> chris: next, hillary clinton. >> ms. president. chris: next up martin shkreli. >> -- >> chris: finally, the koch brothers. >> hall & oats. chris: very good. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "secret service code names." god damn it, mary lynn, i have
to eliminate you. >> oh, guys -- [booing] >> can't we do something. hris: what. >> i'm pulling my shorts here, man. [cheers and applause] [ applause ] >> chris: i don't care. i'm not eliminating anyone in the show. [cheers and applause] >> better. >> chris: that means it's time to "hurdy flurdy burdy gurdy." it's "for the win!" sweden have always been known for their progressive views on sex. they'll even let you have sex with that guy from the ikea instructions. >> so unhappy about it. chris: he's thinking it's from ikea and the pieces don't
fit. >> >> or a couple of nuts are left when you're done. >> oh your bork doesn't fit in my bjorn. >> chris: now well, now the youth wing of the swedish liberal party has filed a motion to legalize incest and necrophilia! >> how else do you [beep] your hot dead swedish sister. >> i use to be on broadcast television, y'know. i'm not use to this. >> now you're in cable. >> my lord. but don't worry! it's only legal if a person gives written consent to someone making love to their corpse. that will make the reading of grandpa's last will and testament. so comedians, i want you to write your own instructions for what swedish perverts can do to your body after you're dead. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
♪ let go and enjoy the bold margarita. lime-a-rita. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i
love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. defirst deodorant activated by movement.'soh. as you move, fragrance capsules burst to release extra freshness all day. motionsense. protection to keep you moving. degree.it won't let you down.
milliand to celebrate,e switched to sprint this past year. we're extending our 50% offer so you can save on most verizon, at&t or t-mobile rates. now save $200 instantly when you get the samsung galaxy note5 or gs6, and trade in your smart phone. so switch today. (trouble hearing on the phone, visit sprintrelay.com) [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores
clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. i want to thank everybody for sitting through the [beep] eating war. before the break, i told you about a swedish political group's efforts to legalize necrophilia, and i asked you to write instructions for what sweden's perverts can do with your body after you're dead. let's see what you came up with. first one, first i want to be created then i want to be cream-ated and then cream -- winking emoji. [ applause ] >> chris: or number two, you inherit my entire fortune on one condition. you must nuzzle my frozen -- grandpa, come on. >> chris: or number three, you can [beep] my body all you want
as long as you don't mind me watching from beyond the grave. [cheers and applause] number one. who is number two * one? congratulationses [cheers and applause] we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be katy colloton, katie o'brien and alison brie. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #updateafairytale and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on snapchat. snapchat. good night! - welcome to season 2 of "this is not happening," everybody. tonight's premiere episode is called "psychedelia," so it's gonna be all stories about psychedelic drugs, which, by the way, is one of my favorite subjects in the world. i love psychedelic drugs. they're the greatest. probably the hardest i've ever tripped, in terms of just straight hard trip, salvia.