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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 25, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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>> chris:'s it's 11:59 and 59 seconds thrk happened on youtube, creme brulee kols me bag donald trump stream rolled with a restownding win in nevada a state whose entire existence is based on people making badz decisions which means for a lot of sweet, innocent voters who thought trump would fall away right now, this is where things get super[bleep] scary. like game of thrones scary, as you can see in this mashup by australian sat irist hu w parkinson. >> i would build the greatest wall you have ever seen. and in that wall, we're going to have a beautiful, big, fat door.
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>> i would bring back water boarding. and i would bring back a hell of a lot worse than water boarding. >> i don't think they like me very much. >> chris: (applause). >> chris: well, that worked too well. trump thing is torturing people and building giant walls. not to mention that most of us support comes from white walkers. oh. they're just having a good time here thsm guy looks like he just looked at the arc of the covenant. (laughter) so comedians, since this westeros matchup is fitting, please give me the next epic fanlt see novel based on donald trump, go. >> the hobbit 2, frodo gets
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deported. >> yes, we got to get him out. get him out. >> chris: he's got funny feet, he-- furry feet, he can walk out. other katie go. >> l ron hubbard mexicanetics. >> chris: well done. alion brie. >> the lion, the bitch who was bleeding from her wherever and the wardrobe. >> chris: yes, perfect. time to startate miedity. db drk ad midnight. welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have the costars an creative team of "teachers" wednesday on tv land, she plays chelsea it's katy colloton. (cheers and applause) she plays mary louise katie o'brien. (applause) and executive producer of "teachers" alison brie on the
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program. (applause) and now it is time to begin ripped from the internet headlines it's rapid refresh. there is the graphic for that. here's a list of today's hot takes from america online. now with 73 hours, first up, bobble head james simpson for the past several weeks the people versus o.j. simpson has been america's favor rit guilty pleasure although i'm stheur there are 12 gives to say it is not guilty pleasure. >> oh, i see what you have done. one man who's not impressed is memorabelia thief o juice simpson who is upset the cuba gooding, jr. is playing because of quote cuba's head it is too small. so comedians what are some of o.j.'s criticism of other popular tv show, katie. >> o swrrks does not like the walking dead because something about dead people coming back to
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get you just kind of like upsets him. >> chris: yes. points. alison. >> o.j. hates keeping up with the kardashians because they got rich off his murder and also khloe is his daughter. >> yes, points. >> chris: to our next topic, i atlas. boston dynamics is a company known for their amazing yet thoroughly terrifying robots. if you haven't seen the videos online, they are so creepy. and wonderful at the same time. a video of their new atlas model went viral today. here it is in action. >> oh my gosh. >> chris: come back, don't let him out, don't let him out! >> whoa! >> chris: it this robot is ripped, that is what channing tatum looks like if you peel all his skin offer. they showcase the durability in a rather disturbing way watch was t subjecting it to chinese water torture or subjecting it
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to canadian bullying. alison. >> canadian bullying because canadians are the worst. too nice, too nice of a bully. >> chris: watch this, watch this. (laughter) oh, trying to move that back, eh. >> oh, eh? eh? >> eh? do not feel bad for this robot. he was able to get up many [bleep] that guy's wife. so it's all fine. it's all fine. >> good for him, good for him, mazel tov. (applause). >> chris: on to our next topic. damn daniel. this week the internet was-- oh, you already know. good. you know that these people are obsessed with two white shoes and too little words in this viral sensation. >> damn daniel.
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>> damn daniel. >> damn daniel, back at it again with the white vans. >> chris: yeah. so yeah, yeah, that's it. (laughter). >> chris: in case you don't understand, this guy is making fun of his friend's shoes, an inside joke with 500 million participates who won't shut up about it. the damn daniel duo was everywhere from ellen to ebay where people are bidding up to $400,000 to buy knockoff daniels vans. i know, 84 bids. meanwhile, on, 45 bucks, 45 bucks right there. >> oh. >> those are some cool shoes. >> although i'm disturbed by the name true white. i feel like it is trump's website. (applause). >> chris: no, don't. comedians what are other viral internet memorabelia to buy on ebay. >> the tarp from two girls one
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cup. ness i may not personally buy it. >> chris: no, no. >> but i just might bid on it. >> chris: just for fun. katie o'brien. >> date night with slenderman. >> chris: yes. that is the end of rapid refresh, it's now time for the hashtag wars. the dystopian reality show presidential primaries continues tomorrow with the gop debate in houston. it is kind of like we're livering in the prequell to mad max. this is why joe from fury road looks like donald trump with his hair grown out. so in honor of politics becoming entertainment, tonight's hashtag is gop movies. there it is.
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examples,-- yeah. i will put 60 secretaries on the clock. begin. >> night of the living jeb. >> yes, points. alison. >> let the white one in. >> chris: points. katie o'brien. >> honey i car ed the kids to term. >> chris: points katy. >> don't tell mom antonin scalia's dead. >> chris: point, katie o'brien >> my sister act. katie. >> "the dark knight" deported. >> chris: katie o'brien. >> you've got white privilege. >> chris: alison bree w harry potter and the jew-run media. >> chris: katy. >> white men can't jump so they compensate by oppressing minorities. >> chris: we do. that is a great place to end the hashtag wars, send us yours and tag them "@midnight" to keept game going. we'll be right back with more@night. >> our tweet of the day from last night was sent to us
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parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perfect. valet parking. evening, sir. hello! here's the keys. and, uh, go easy on my ride, mate. hm, wouldn't mind some of that beef wellington... to see how much you could save on car insurance, go to ah! (car alarm sounds) it's ok! (applause). >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play wikihow and
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the hell. wikihow. oh. wikihow is a website you can visit to learn how to do things you're too embarrassed to ask a real person about. for some reason all the illustrations look like they were made by a madman way vague understanding of life on planet earth. so comediansk i'll show you some of this backi wikihow art and for 250 points i would like you to tell me how it looks like it is from. first up, first up, this foxy buddy. where is that from. >> how to return the demon you bought from best buy. >> chris: points. came to life. where is the geek squad. >> i don't get how it works. >> chris: alison. >> how to force your tv to clean up after you masturbate. >> i think that's right. >> this is your fault, television! do it now. >> chris: you clean this up.
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>> cover me. i'll never tell. >> chris: all right, next up, this some ber fella. alison brii. >> how to cure baldness by sum mondaying satan. >> chris: yup. katie o'brien. >> how do die not surrounded by loved ones. >> i want to be alone. i want to be alone when it happens. and don't look at me. don't look at me. >> chris: i just thought mr. clean was getting a vasectomy, that is what i thought that was. >> under a beautiful sunset. >> chris: yeah. >> he's like yeah! >> chris: yeah. tie it up! >> cut it and stuff it. >> chris: >> chris: yai. >> i'm a doctor. >> chris: all right, next up, this miss chiefous pair.
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what? >> katy. >> how to get murdered by a strong independent woman. >> chris: points. >> yeah! (cheers and applause). >> chris: alison. >> how to daik a covert [bleep] next to a car. no one will recognize it. no one is going to look over here, if they do it's hilarious. >> chris: look, he's pulling all those clean exes out of his mouth. next up, this ghostly fellow. alison brie. >> how to know you're poor. >> chris: points.
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>> couldn't even afford the scissors to cut out. katie o'brien. >> how to use a gift card at big lots. >> chris: yaitie. >> how to blend in on a sky fie original movie. >> yes, points, absolutely. >> chris: next up, this before and after ter picture. katie. >> how to get anderson coop tore pick a paint swatch. >> so remarkably-- so specific. >> so specific. and finally, this encounter with nature. alison. >> how to brag to your dog about how you go to school. >> yeah, dude. see this? see all this i got? for school. >> chris: points. katie o'brien. >> how to kill and eat a backpacker.
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>> yes, points. >> chris: from the wolf wiki. that is the end of wiki how. it is time for our live challenge from russia with underaged love. (cheers and applause) take nope, japan because russia is making a grab to lead the world in creepiness thajs to an online contest where a gaming site's 100,000th visiter won a month stay in a hot well a porn star, according to the daily male. that lucky win certificate a 16 year old boy! >> what a sweetheart. >> or middle-aged aunt. >> chris: could be a middle-aged aunt. it honestly makes a lot of sense though. because only a 16 year old boy would see a message that says you are the 100,000th messenger, here is a porn star and would click on it. apparently the boy's mother is very opposed to this idea, as is the maid who is dreading a month of crunchy towels.
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so comedians, whether or not do you think they're going to do, just talk about mine kraft for 30 days? this sounds like the perfect set up forb a sitcom so i would like the voice over line for what happens on next week's episode of this horny russian comedy. we will get your answers after the break and be right back with the break and be right back with more "@midnight". getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile.
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(cheers and applause). >> chris: welcome back. before the break, i told you about a school boy porn star roommate situation that sounded suspiciously like a tv show and asked what we could look forward to on next week's episode. let's see what you came up with. >> tune into next year tat tore corrie to watch corey have a sexual experience that makes future long-term relationships impossible. >> chris: that is the special episode. very special episode. >> very true to life. >> chris: katie o'brien. >> tune in next week for another episode of to catch a hot russian predator. >> chris: all right. alison brie. >> coming up next week on wait a second, russia hates gay people but is cool with this, dad falls
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for his son's porn star. is blood thicker than jiz? >> chris: the answer is no, no, it's not. i'm going to give a thousand to alison, 500 each to katy and katie. time for our next game worst red carpet questions. the academy awards are this weekend and they are superimportant. we're going to-- if everyone's very certificate yuses at the 88th academy awards, most important thing going on in the world this weekend. am find out which white will walk away with the golden power trinket. the 88th academy awards. very, very fancy. before hollywood's hungriest enter the theater they first have to deal with the red carpet which for the record does not match the drapes where.
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they will face uncomfortable questions in their uncomfort j evening attire from uncomfortable looking reporters but if we can make the oscars more automatic washed. so i would like the worst red carpet questions you can think of in 06 second, begin. katy. >> who are you? >> chris: points. i get that a lot. points. katy. >>-- will you give your agent my script for paul blart 3fart detective? >> chris: oh, wait a minute. why wasn't it paul blart 2fart detective. >> it was bound to be a triology. we've all been waiting. >> chris: points. katie o'brien. >> who is wearing you? >> chris: points. points. alison brii. >> what is mccally call kin really like. >> chris: katie o'brien. >> where does your dick fall from shia labeouf to johnham.
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>> chris. >> are those things the same size, i'm thinking this one is bigger than that one, what do you think, do you agree. >> chris: katie. >> what is your backup plan if acting doesn't work out. >> chris: katie o'brien. >> do you have a date tonight or will you die alone. >> chris: like a bald man in a hospital. katy. >> has your face always looked like that? >> chris: yet, points. perfect will. that is the end of worst red carpet questions. i'm sorry, katie o'brien you're in third place and we have to eliminate you. do you have any last words before we turn the red light on you. >> good-bye? and be sure and tune in to "teachers" every wednesday night at 10:30, 9:30 central on tv land. (applause). >> chris: red lights. >> oh,out. >> chris: i know. >> i had no idea. >> don't touch my light. >> this is serious. >> chris: that means it's time to drop your garters and-- your
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larders, it's for the win. if you think tinder is bad you should try getting laid in the 1800s. couldn't just swipe right if you found yourself titillated by a young lady exposed ankle. you had to use a cheapy clever calling card like come and see our new lamp, you can turn it down so lighted so there is scargs any light at all. a new lamp, i think i just found out i'm a squirter. are we going to say something dirty but that was so much dirtier. it is not even the dirtiest thing said on this program. >> well, it was dirty. >> it was very dirty. >> chris: i'm sorry, i still would like to show you my lamp. or this one, here say calling card of kissing rogue, james l. gallas kissing rogue. of hugtite lane and
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squeezeemburg. why this one is hung like a horse thief. comedians write your own old timey sexy calling cards. we'll have our comedians answers and name a winner when we come and name a winner when we come back on the "@midnight" program. ♪ and name a winner when we come back on the "@midnight" program. [excited crowd] hello! thank you. yes, thank you. now that we represent the bud light party, we need a little security. so we found the toughest person that we know. blam! ronda rousey you were all expecting a man, weren't you? typical. amy, amy will you read my screenplay? no questions! seth why don't you make better movies? hey, i said no questions! you're very good at this. when are you going to fight again? didn't i just say no questions? alright! alright!
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cricket wireless. something to smile about. applebee's fan favorites bourbon st. chicken and shrimp? it's so smokey and mysterious... then that cajun spice. i almost forgot i could feel this way. she used to talk about me like that. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites. ♪ the m&m's man, ♪ and he adds a lot of love ♪ to make it all taste good. this is terrible. to the recording studio! ♪ and he adds a lot of love ♪ to make it all taste good. >> chris: welcome back to
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"@midnight." it's time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. >> oh. okay. >> sort of like a wiping-- something. >> chris: i keep wiping, keep wiping. >> okay. >> chris: i'm legally bound to wipe. >> wipe lower, wipe lower. higher. not that low. oh boy, too high, too high, you don't know what are you doing. >> chris: i don't. this is my first time. >> stop wiping. >> chris: this is my first time. i will read the answer as loud, you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you these ball retractingly awkward victorian calling cards for courting purposes and asked to you come up with your own. let's dump them out. first one.
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>> chris: well, the audience wants to meet at the bathroom for fellatio. who was number two? alison brie is the winner. katy, thank you so much. are you the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours. tomorrow night our guests are theo von, tiffany haddish and andrew santino. until then keep tweeting with your hash tales gop movies. i'm talking really fast, good night. oh, i guarantee i can identify my own butthole in a lineup, 100%. even if it's just a close-up lineup of buttholes? yeah. no way, dude, come on. completely. i could identify yours. each one has a soul, an ass soul. hey, mamis, where you going? a bra store? i bet you got those big boobies to feed all your babies. excuse me? you can't talk to us like that. yeah, we're your elders. how did he know we were going to the bra store?


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