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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 26, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. good nightly, everyone! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. sendings, this happened on twitter. the nfl combine, the yearry event where scout as ses football players to fiepped what it takes to become famous millionares and wish become manager at foot lockers shouting at teens. defensive lineman austen lane took to twitter to share some of the weirde questions like boxers or briefs or if you could kill someone an not dpet caught,
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would you? i think that's a fairly new question. and do you think your mom is attractive? >> our mom now or when we first met her. >> chris: oh, okay, when we firs met her. what if they were like no, but i [bleep] her anyway. >> guys don't [bleep] your mom? you're better than that? okay. okay. and your step dad. >> hashtag white boy [bleep] (applause). >> chris: i condition it, there say perm innocent hashtag on my forehead at all times. in fairness though, they ask them that last one because they were recruiting for the carolina cougars, rrr.
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comedians what are other weird questions they will ask players at the come bien. >> we have to ask all player this but have you ever lost a temper in an elevator? >> chris: theo von. >> would you rather have five downs or a baby with downs. >> chris: all right. andrew santino. >> how do you feel about a three way with peyton manning and popa john? -- papa john. >> chris: extra pepperoni. >> chris: all right. [bleep] >> chris: extra pepperoni, it's time to start "@midnight". guy, i would honestly rather [bleep] a pizza. like i would rather. >> you don't think papa john is cute. >> chris: i would just rather [bleep] a hot pizza. >> would you follow it calzone
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style? >> chris: yeah, yeah, of course. >> it makes sense, i get that. >> chris: i would have to hashtag white boy [bleep]. >> is that white boy [bleep]. >> what is white boy [bleep], pizza pie, if i pie. >> like what is hashtag black guy [bleep]. >> hashtag pussy. >> get t yeah, yeah, got it. >> chris: give tiffany haddish a hundred points for that. all right. welcome to "@midnight." tobt's come endians are from the carmichael show, premiers march 13th. tiffany haddish. welcome back. >> thank you. >> chris: wonderful having you here, his stand up special no offense is available tomorrow on netflix, theo von.
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>> yeah. >> and performing at the improv in hollywood this saturday andrew santino is on the program. >> yeahy. >> now it's time to faind out exactly why we're all doomed, doomed i tell you, it's panderdome. here's a bunch of stuff that is allegedly trending on the internet. first up, hillary scan will da, hillary scandal, presidential can dt and reverse loki mask, hillary cln ton seen here, some time out of busy schedule to make a doubter judgement by visiting the abc show scandal. here she is with kerry washington. wait a minute, hillary clinton visited a show called scandal which is a hit political drama about a sleezy president who has an affair with a staffer? she did the [bleep] documentary version of that. why would she go on that show?
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so comedians, so they don't make the same mistake what say tv show the other presidential candidates should definitely not visit. andrew. >> donald trump on undercover boss because you can't put a wig on a wig. >> chris: all right. points. tiffany. >> ted cruz and his wife should avoid masses of sex because that's just nasty. >> chris: yeah points, points. theo. >> donald trump should avoid anything on up univision. >> chris: points. on to our next topic little baby, could you adly cartoon railroad baron ted cruz has not been having a great book. he lost nevada caucus, fired his top aide but worst donald trump called him a soft weak little baby. ted cruz has had enough and is putting his today like foot down how did he respond to trump's name calling. a posting a clip of fat bas tard
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from austin poker withs, photo shopping donald breastfeeding from rubio, or c crying. andrew. >> it's a. >> chris: yeah, a, all right. the correct answer is in fact a. he posted a clip of fat bas tard from usein power, ted cruz tweeted with the caption. hope he doesn't try to eat me. >> he kind of looks like a baby. come here, i'm going to eat you. i'm bigger than you, i'm higher in the food chain. get in my belly. >> chris: these men are running for the highest office in the united states. by the way. they're running for-- they're trying to get to be president. >> it's awesome. >> chris: on to hur next topic. trump temple of doom. as donald trump's raging racism revival tour keeps selling out tours across the nation one figure that is absent is melania trump, quieter than ted cruz's family after he locks them in
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that basement. but not any more. he's not quiet any more, this week the third bride of trump had a one-on-one interview with mika brzenzinski on morning joe in what if you see the image was clearly shot inside scar face's balls. after this mika removed a ruby from the mouth of a golden monkey statue and spikes came out of the floor. no you that we have seen the daughter that local neeson didn't save in her natural environment, comedians what are some of the updates he would make to the white house. >> tiffany. >> chris. >> she would dot white house same as her house, separate bedrooms and locks on the doors. >> points. definitely. andrew. >> going to announce white house is actually matrushka doll inside of white house inside of white house inside of white house. >> chris: that within really amazing, really amazing. that ingvar brs us to the end of pander dome. it's time for tonight's hashtag
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wars. friday, friday. techically this day, marks the premier of the full house reboot, fuller house. as you can see they will be squeezing as many drops as they can from the catch fraidz tit. >> two very important words. >> have mercy. >> no. >> how rude. >> cut it out. the netflix reboot will exploor fun family issues like post par tell depression and hints of tension between danny tanner an his adult daughters, that is a joke bob sag et would have made. it absolutely. is so in honor of the sort of return to the beloved 90s sit come, the hash fall is my family in 4 words, examples only racist on holidays. and i wish i knew. i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. andrew. >> broken apart. thanks, dad. >> points. >> tiffany. >>-- you weree gay for pay. andrew. >> kim, kowrt nee, khloe, o.j.
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>> chris: points. >> tiffany. >> wigs, weaves, nails and beads. >> chris: points. theo. >> now you got rabies. >> points. >> chris: tiffany haddish. >> little tits, big dikes. >> points. >> definitely not white boy [bleep] theo von. >> there will be blood. >> chris: yes, points. andrew. >> ibm ri small, italian big. >> chris: yes, points, tiffany. >> thanks for shaking that ass. >> chris: that's the end of the hashtag war, send us your hashtag and tag those "@midnight" to keep this game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played.
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♪ (cell phone rings) where are you? well the squirrels are back in the attic. mom? your dad won't call an exterminator... can i call you back, mom? he says it's personal this time... if you're a mom, you call at the worst time. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. where are you? it's very loud there. are you taking a zumba class?
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my parents had kraft mac lastand cheese without me,over so this time i took precautionary measures. looking for these? kraft macaroni and cheese shapes. sweetheart, don't look at me like that, it's gonna be amazing. this is a disaster! who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why?
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you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut, morons. applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot. melty. cheese. fresh. pico de gallo. woah... mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." all right. it's time to play justify. >> i know, our program gets phillie at times, itsee my fall, i'm 15 and a half.
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but the internet being all full of weiners and bungholes and whatnot what choice do i have. we wanted to counter ak that with some good old time religion. i will show you a preparer, pastor, some other kind of religious leader preparek the good word on youtube and for 250 points you have to answer a question based on the video. first up, this warning against the dangers of pornography. >> ther reso nude and bound and hanging from trees, they are shown kneeling submissively while a man does things to them and on them. and you see live sex acts. i mean live sex acts. (laughter). >> chris: what was this audience member thinking here, tiffany haddish. >> i wonder if he knows i'm masturbating right now. >> chris: yes, points.
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theo. >> i got to get the [bleep] out of utah. >> chris: yeah, points. andrew. >> come on! >> chris: next up, the jesus band with the hot and faithful dance track. all lyul ya. allay lyul ya. guessu e la have i a la verita. >> what does it say on the sign outside their church. >> john 4:20, come for the clies, stay for the molly. >> chris: points. >> whatever it said, it is spelled wrong because that is not how you spell hallelujah. >> chris: points. next up these break dancers. ♪ we can claim the life god gave you and me ♪ oh, oh, oh!
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whow. >> chris: hashtag white boy [bleep]. that was spectacular. >> oh, oh. oh [bleep]. >> that is yus a meme, you just want to make a meme. >> chris: yeah. what us god say to them at the gates of heaven. >> i loved you in dance dance res treks-- resurrection. >> chris: andrew. >> john travolta, what are you doing here with women? >> chris: points. next up, pastor mike with a funky fresh parody.
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playing games. >> [bleep] that. >> that say parody of t pain buy you a drink based on this video though, what would you want to buy pastor mike. >> i want to buy him a burt and ernie t-shirt because his eyebrows are touching. >> chris: embracing, points. next up, this man warning teens about a deck dent sexual practice. >> i know a situations where either the man or the wife wants to invite a third party into the bedroom for sexual experience, to help achieve some stimulation. now what is that all about? >> chris: they only three you need to concern yourself with is the father, the son and the holy
quote
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ghost. this guy doesn't find three ways hot what is he into, tiffany. >> black pu ssy. >> that activated extra lights. >> they call my sunshine, they call me sunshine. black pussy. >> chris: give you a hundred extra points for indicating to your area. finally, a song for christian children sung by a dogman ♪ glory glory ♪ hallelujah ♪ glory glory ♪ praise his name ♪ >> chris: i understand why this is religious because you see, that you're like jesus
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clies what is happening? so comedians, the question i put to you is why would god allow this? tiffany within that's the show that god loves all his white creatures no matter how obnoxious they are. >> chris: points. andrew. >> god did this because of black pussy, chris. >> i'm sorry, i was a little hazy, where is that located again? (applause) >> right there, okay. got it. >> now i remember. >> chris: it's time for a live challenge batman v superman v spencer. the dawn of justice is coming out at some point point. junling by the teaser trailers and this poster, this movie say
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tense romantic thriller. that will definitely win the oscar for best chins. announcing a pg13 film will get an r rated blu-ray home release which means the same exact movie but one scene where batman goes oh [bleep]. >> i likes r rated movies but we need to up the ante. give me a line from the nc17 version. get the answers after the break. well's be rit back with more get the answers after the break. well's be rit back with more "@midnight". ♪
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i can still see you... your phone, your network, half the cost. unlimited talk, text, and data is just $45 a month. find out more at straighttalkbyop.com. applebee's fan favorites bourbon st. chicken and shrimp? it's so smokey and mysterious... then that cajun spice. i almost forgot i could feel this way. she used to talk about me like that. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites.
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>> welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you about the r rated blu-ray. i scdz you to one up it by giving me a line from the nc17 version. let's see what you wrote. theo. >> mr. wayne, i've been a doctor for 35 years and i've never seen a batterrang this far up someone's rectu m. >> chris: all right, tiffany haddish. >> all right, your superd-uck versus my supervieg ra, let's see who wins. and batman hands superman a crip ton identity con dom.
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>> chris: all right. >> that is the funny in my head andrew. >> oh batman, [bleep] on my ass, [bleep] my ass. >> chris: okay a thousand points to andrew, 500 to tiffany and theyoment as we go to our next game, fashion week, fashion week last week the internet was bombarded with pictures from fashion week because no one is a better fashion critic than someone on facebook at 3 a.m. who is not wearing pants. in addition to the beautiful people who have been warped by photo shop stretch tool there were some pretty warped outfits am i will show you a if the owe from fashion week and tell me the name of the look. first up, this one. >> it works as a-- baby sister.
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>> edward scissor sister, all right, good. >> next up. >> the goochie poochy. next up. >> theo. >> there's really something about mary. >> yes, points. tiffany. >> kowsin i've koochy. >> yes, points, theo. >> big trouble in little richard's basement. >> points. >> and finally, this one. >> yes, andrew. >> dollar store deadpool. >> chris: that's good. perfect, points. that is the end of fashion week, theo von we must eliminate you,
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you are in third place. do you have any last words before we release you into the wild streets of los angeles. >> just a qusm check out my netflix special no offense, thank you very much for having me. that means it's time to put the frosting on the dough. it's for the win shes posted an unusual discovery made at her local whole foods. it is a breakup cake. that sucks. if you are looking for something more direct why not try the i have been [bleep] your brother scones. yay. comedians, what is even more upsetting you could find on a cake. we'll have the answers an name a winner when we come back on "@midnight."
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♪ the m&m's man, ♪ the m&m's man, ♪ and he adds a lot of love ♪ to make it all taste good. this is terrible. to the recording studio! ♪ and he adds a lot of love ♪ to make it all taste good.
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we wonerere. and here. and here. here. and here. uh, here. also in here. back there. behind here. even next to these guys, here. in the nation's largest, independent study, rootmetrics just named verizon number one network for the fifth time in a row, here. so when the other guys claim they're the best, remember: there's only one, number one. and now we'll pay up to $650 to switch to the best network. this one right here. applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot. melty. cheese. fresh. pico de gallo. woah... mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites.
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my parents had kraft mac lastand cheese without me,over so this time i took precautionary measures. looking for these? kraft macaroni and cheese shapes. . >> welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i will wipe the scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answers aloud, you decide the winner. i showed you a break up cake you can get at whole foods and asked you to create a even more upsetting cake. let's see what you wrote.
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number two was the winner. who was number two. tiffany haddish has won the internet. we are going to have late night all-stars jordan klepper, mike yard, and our own ron funchs for late night champions. until then keep it here. sipped us your hashtag my family in 4 words to be monday's tweet of the day. have a wonderful weekend. 7 - okay. - are we ready? - yup. ready. - all right. - oh, my god, ders, come out here! - ders! help! - hurry! hurry! - what are you guys doing up there? come on, we got to go. we're gonna be late. - okay, just give us two secs. blake, will you do me the honor of pulling my finger? - sure, adam. i'd love to.

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