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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 18, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org: it's 11 qu 59s happened on buzz feedk big political news pete sessions republican congressman from texas introduced a bill to recognize magic as an official form of art and national treasure. meaning imagineicians could qualify for government grants and make taxpayer money disappear. here is some key passages from this magic resolution. >> whereas magic enables people to experience the impossible. that's nice. whereas david copperfield introduced to magic as a boy has been named a living lengthened by the library of congress.
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>> okay whereas david copperfield was 21 emmy awards 11 guinness world records and over $4 billion in ticket sales impacted every aspect of the global entertainment industry. okay, you're getting weird now. you really need to get off david copperfield's d, ck for a second. but it continues. whereas people consistently leave david copperfield's live magic show with a different perspective. (bleep) calm down! has david copperfield used some type of dark mist civil on this guy? i am sick of congress fellating david copperfield when david blain can't even get a hearing on the reacharound committee. now i am-- david blain is going to be in a permanent reacharound for severe enstraight days. now i do appreciate this. i am a member of the academy for magical arts and i support this, yes, thank you.
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now-- (applause). >> chris: the rest of you just joined in. now that congress could recognize magic as more than just a gathering, what are some magic bills you would like to see made into law, jenna elfman, go. >> is this your right to abortion? >> chris: yeah, very good. yassir lester. >> redistributing wealth to the 99% by taking it from the 1%'s ear. >> chris: excellent. who is dropping all the coins. >> very fancy. >> i messed up. >> chris: nick theun. >> thank you so much, chris. lifetime ban to criss angel for all all future sexual activity and haircuts. >> chris: it's time to start aad mit night-- "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the "@midnight"
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program. i am chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are from the kicking and screaming pod cast on the nerdist network jenna elfman! (cheers and applause) writer and guest star from "girls" sundays on the home box office, yassir lester. (cheers and applause) performing at comix mo heg an sun in connecticut april 14th to the 16th, nick theun. (applause) that is a -- that is a quality varsity beerd. i got the little jv action going on right here but that is a no (bleep) around beard. >> you said-- i played jvb basketball which if you don't know, a level below junior varsity and a level above playing alone. now it's time to burn our tongues on the tbar badge soup of american politics for
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pannedderdome. pause plaws here is what is trending today according to your mom. first up, pop a cap on that ass according to a new york times interview with trump long time butler you can tell what kind of trump weather by looking at his amazing technicolor mood cap. white cap, donald is in a good mood, red means donald is in a bad mood and orange means he does not have a hat on. comedians, what are some other color coded caps the donald uses nick theun. >> if he is wearing a lasta hat, then he's got my vote rasta hat. >> if he is wearing a golden crown then we know he won the election and we are so (bleep). >> chris: yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. next up, it berns a little, bernie sanders is always
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sticking up for the little guy like this shall-- are you all right? someone saw a mouse in the studio! always looking for the little tbie when this sunday he embraced danny devito at a rally in st.louis. lack at this. >> hey. thank you so much. (applause) let me ask you one question. how is it possible that they both look like each other's dads? (laughter) how is that possible? devito introduced sand ares at a rallied frenzeed bernie babies where he had to climb up on the steamer trunk he was packed in to clear the podium. (cheers and applause) comedians, these guys have been
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pals forever am what would you call their buddy movie. nick. >> get shorty to pay for universal health care. >> chris: yeah, points. jenna elfman. >> oh brother are where art tho-u, oh, there you are, i forgot how tiny you were. >> chris: points, points. by the way, bernie is just holding him above-- his feet are actually dangling. >> he got a fish. >> i got a danny devito. >> chris: his feet are kicking down there. next up, broads for hillary, earlier this week with super tuesday 3, electric boogaloo and hillary clinton won five states for dethroi-- deploying her secret weapon, not areas of experience in conditioning and a cam yo on broad city, yes, queens. broad city is an amazing show, watch if you don't. but hills knows she has to fight trump celebrity with celebs of her own. tack this campaign she rolled out during last queek's
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primaries, text akaty, you might receive a message from kaitdy perry which prob leigh says something like call 911, she's breaking my (bleep) hand. so comedians, what is a message another celeb would leave to thank hillary volunteers. yassir. >> hey, it's me, tyler perry, we love hillaryk i love her so much because we own so many of the same pant suits. >> chris: yeah. nick theun. >> hey, it's o.j. thank you so much, thank you so much for supporting hillary hashtag i did it hashtag i killed a lot of people. >> chris: all right, points. jenna elfman. >> hello. it's lena dunham. if are you already against hillary for sexist reasons, then-- yeah, my endorsement is
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not going to help. >> chris: all right, points. >> i like her. >> chris: that is the end of panderdome trk is now time for tonight's hashtag wars. spring time, the flowers are in bloom, baby birds dhirp their mel oddee, the smell of jaiger micer fills the air. it's spring break. (applause) take a week off so coddies and bekies everywhere can make gravity bonings in mot el bathrooms and learn things they don't teach new college like how to not end up in a film where jaims franco has dreadlocks. so in honor of this high holiday tonight's hashtag is spring break in 4 words, examples might be pool toi took never beginnity. or cancun jail, kind of fun. i will put 60 seconds on the clock am begin. yassir. >> didn't need this condom krs points, jenna elfman.
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>> i sunburned my tank. >> chris: why was it just outlining that. nick theun. >> i met my wife. >> chris: points. >> i knew it the second i saw her tits am. >> chris: yes, jenna. got two different stds. >> chris: points. nick theun. >> hepatitis a, b and c. >> chris: points. yassir. >> hopefully we're not related. >> chris: points. nick. >> i think nate's dead. >> chris: points. jenna. >> these warts are new. >> chris: points. all right, that's the end of the hashtag wars, send us your hashtag spring break in 4 words and tag them to keep the game going. we have more spring break! >> con tbratlations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war.
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well played. why am i a fan of applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot... melty... cheese. fresh... pico de gallo. woah. mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites. sweetheart, don't look at me like that, it's gonna be amazing.
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this is a disaster! who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut, morons. which has that one scene you forgot about.. so you use your go-to parental blocking device... which also happens to be your go-to snack. baked with real ingredients. no artificial flavors or colors. introducing good thins. your go-to good.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play fight for your right to "@midnight".
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we know the internet is krammed to the brim of filty holes with sex but you also know it's kind of into violence too. it's true, i know, it's crazy. i will show you a truly bizarre fight scene clipped out for youtube. for points have you to answer a question about it first up these fighters who like to take their sweet time. >> (cheers and applause) it goes on for like 45 minutes. what's the next line from this movie? >> jenna. >> liss this sts manliest porn fore play ever. >> chris: yes. >> dow like it when i actually ago it out? >> chris: i do like that. >> or should i state it it
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simply. >> chris: i think in this case it really added a di mention to it. like you took us there. that was really good. >> should i take you farther? >> chris: no, no, no. yassir lester. >> i toll you, man, lego of my ego. >> chris: points. and this death scene from a kung fu classic. >> all right. you know, the sound was a little-- i couldn't hear very well so what did that guy say right before he died? yassir? >> i loved rush hour points. jenna. >> in my obituary, skip the dick
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punch. >> chris: points. nick theun. >> can you clear my browser history. >> chris: points. >> all right. next up, this kung fu movie from the country synonymous with kung fu, turkey. what is the title of it this turkish delight. nick. >> wild hog 4, it's turkey time. >> chris: points. yassir. >> my big fat greek wedding in turkey. >> chris: all right, points. next up, this, this bolewood
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blockbuster. what oscar nomination did that get? jenna. >> best tascamatography vz kre good, very good. >> best look alike for my missing father. >> chris: all right, points. nick it's a trick question, chris, but thank you. it would never be nominated for an oscar because there are no white men in it. >> chris: all right, yes.
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points. points. nick theun is taking down whites, one white at a time. >> as a 36 year old white male i know the struggle. >> chris: that is the end of fight for your right to "@midnight." it's time for our live challenge. check me out, check me out. there is a trend weirding up festivals festivals in america called the human library which despite is name is not the is he quawl to human sent pedestrian it is a social experiment where instead of books you are rent people for 30 minute conversations, so you so you can talk to that homeless guy in the library rather than just watching him jerk off in the reference section. what are you jerking off to, what are you going to jerk off next to. so here say picture of one of the human books in action. right here. who apparently doesn't believe in book jackets. so comedians, what would the blurp on this maked human book
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be. we'll get your answers after the break. right back with more "@midnight" . hey nithanks. today. juicy fruit? sure i'll try a piec.... juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear?
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i got minds to twist and alrivalues to warp.his. mr. tyler, your skittles portrait. that is e to the z oh twiddly dee-sgusting! you haven't heard me sing diddly-ding yet. ♪ dream on! higher. ♪ dream on! i think a little higher! ♪ dreammmm onnnnnnnn! ♪ dreammm onnnn! rock the rainbow. taste the rainbow.
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[drums and anc♪ors away melody throughout.] to get to you... they'd have to get past us. sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪
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>> chris: hello am welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you about the human library and showed you one of their books right there. which seems to have some cracking in it so koment edians since all books come with a blush i asked you to write his,
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let's see, jenna elfman, let's start with you. >> okay. interesting idea but i found this story dragged in parts. specifically the balls. >> chris: all right. yassir lester. >> hey, it's me, dan brown. more like the da vinchi choad, am i right? >> chris: all right. nick theun. >> thanks, chris. don't judge a book by its dick. >> chris: all right. all right. i am going to do a thousand points to nick, 500 jenna, 250 yassir lester to even out the scores. you guys to got to work for it this round. all right it's time to play rock
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the waffle house. normally the jam servedz up by waffle house come from a jar that needed to be replaced month ago but they have been serving up musical jams under our goddamn noses or ears, waffle house has their own record label which they have had for 30 years, they have been cooking up hot songs like color me gone. smot erred, covered and a cup of joe ♪ make a large to go then there's no more highway ♪ left to chase ♪ >> chris: yai. yeah. waffle house is having a good time as opposed to the other seven where someone is taking a fap before their custody hearing. now that we know that america's favorite breakfast home is releasing such hot tracks, let's help them out by coming up with some new musical acts waffle house records can sign in 60 seconds, begin. yassir.
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>> go space-grilla. >> gridel wayne. >> chris: points, nick. >> dicks yeified tricken. >> chris: points. >> waffle iron madeen. come on! >> chris: yes, they're giving it up. points. jenna elfman. >> ac dekaf. >> chris: points. yassir lester. >> canadian draiken. >> chris: the sweetest bacon of all. nick theun. >> the links with their hit song mama mama mimosa. >> jenna. >> the rolling scoans. >> chris: yes, of course. that brings us to the end of waffle house. now we are supposed to eliminate someone but jenna t is your first time on the show and i would like to invite to you come to for the win with everyone else. let's all go to for the win! (applause). >> chris: that means it's time to buck up, kido, it's for the
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win. new road sign on highway 105 in northern iowa has been stirring up controversy because it calls attention to a problem that has arisen in the community since the salt lick factory closed down, i'm talking of course suicidal deer. it has been an issue but the city council decided to erect the signs after this video surfaced from a deer from fearby mayson city in a domestic dispute. that is just santa in the off season training his sled team. i'm kidding that say clip from the upcoming season of so you think you can dancer, pranser, donor, blitzen, you can pid. rudolph? all right, i get the point, people don't pay attention to road signs and this will get folks to notice but if you think about it that way it's kind of clever. so i would like you to give me an even more direct road sign.
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we'll have the answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight." (applause) ♪ ♪ we belong together ♪ we belong together ♪ yes we do (announcer) the best deserves the best. activate or upgrade now to the new samsung galaxy s7 edge and get 24 bonus gigs a year. on verizon, america's #1 network. this isn't this 'advanced figure drawing'? down the hall. you mind if i borrow some of your cologne? confulish. confused and foolish. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented new snickers crisper. defirst deodorant activated by movement.'s
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as you move, fragrance capsules burst to release extra freshness all day. motionsense. protection to keep you moving. degree.it won't let you down. which has that one scene you forgot about.. so you use your go-to parental blocking device...
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which also happens to be your go-to snack. baked with real ingredients. no artificial flavors or colors. introducing good thins. your go-to good. >> chris: welcome back
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to@midnight. it's time for for the win. i will now wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. all right. i will read the answer as loud. you the audience get to decide the winner. before the break i showed you a suicidal deer road sign that is troaferlings but sure to get people to pay attention. i asked for a more direct road sign. let's see what you came up with. first one. >> i don't know, that could be any one. >> chris: number three, who is number three. nick las theun has won the internet. one of those signs lied.
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that sign lied, yassir lester. we see monday with david hill, aimeemann and jonathan kowlton. keep the game going by tweeting "@midnight" spring break in 4 words to become monday's tweet of the day. i'm@hard wic. but nice to each other the rest of the week, dammity. [luau music] ♪ - i'm sorry to wake you guys up so early, but i just wanted to get a sunrise snapchat. i'm so into beauty, as of late. - adam, the sun rose, like, six hours ago. - yeah, but we're on island time, so we'll just get it in post, right? but first, i have something pretty special for my friends. [all mumble]

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