Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  September 21, 2016 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

11:00 pm
- yeah, that's why when we start beating real cakes, we gotta strap up. - or just make sure our pull-out game is strong, ya dig? hold up. massa comin'. - you mother[bleep] better stop all this jaw-jacking and pay attention to the goddamn game. [all groaning] i got a bad tooth, mother[bleep]. [laughter] [hip-hop music] ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome, everybody, to "the daily show." thank you. i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, i'm so excited, tv host wendy williams is joining us, everybody. (applause) but first, first, following a stabbing attack at a minnesota mall last week by a muslim man,
11:01 pm
local ice cream parlor decided enough is enough. >> after the recent attacks, a sign at an ice cream shop is creating a lot of controversy. demonstrators gathering outside the family restaurant protesting the sign that reads, muslims get out. >> trevor: that's right. if you are muslim, you just got not served. (laughter) now i know the story seems awful. but don't worry, my friends, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. >> i wanted to put terrorists on the board so we were going to put extremists but we didn't have room on the board. >> trevor: oh! that guy is so cute. and also, i never thought of that, maybe people aren't racist. yeah, they just are running out of space. that's all that happened. maybe that's what happens in twitter, that is what happens everywhere, what we meant to right was muslims get out there and vote. that's what we wanted to say.
11:02 pm
and if we really had a big sign it would have said muslims, get out of my dreams and into my car. but hey, tiny signs, what are you going to do. you know what is so strange is, this man, genuinely thought people who go around blowing people up will be stopped by a sign? you are realize you're talking to terrorist, not vampires. they don't need to be invited in. or maybe he is on to something, but if you think about t we never tried that. we never tried to call terrorists with a sign, maybe the airports need a sign that says no terrorists and guys will be like oh, we were going to blowp the airport but rules are rules. they say we can't come in. (applause) that's how powerful ice cream is, pem. the appeal is universal, i scream, you scream, we all scream for the death of infidels who po lawsuit the sank tit of
11:03 pm
our land and also ice cream. wonderful, funny news. you know, it's funny, people always ask me, they go trevor, how do you laugh when the news is sad. how do you find the jokes and everythingment i tell people it's not that i find things funny. it's that my mind uses that as a tool to protect me from pain. and i always see that come up whenever there are instances that pop up in the news. one of those instances was in tulsa. there was a shooting. another shooting a man by the name terrance crutcher, an unarmed black man was killed by the police. now this time he's called, the man's car was stranded in the middle of the road. and the police say they pulled up and they weren't there because they thought he was threatening or anything. they had a call. and they got there. this man was there and they said he refused to listen to their instructions. it's not really clear what happens. what we do know is this, after
11:04 pm
police released the statement, they then released a video. and that video doesn't look good. >> the video from a police chopper shows 40ier old terrance crutcher walking towards his suv hands in the air, as officers surrounded him friday night. it's difficult to see exactly what happened as crutcher approached the driver's side window of his suv. but police say he was not cooperating. >> trevor: okay, i don't get that, not cooperating? because it sure looks like cooperation. his hands are up. all right. unless the cop was like put your hands in the air and now wave them like you just don't care. and he was like, but i do care, oh, you're not cooperating. you're not cooperating. we have a guy who do cares over here. it looks kind much-- the truth is i wasn't there. none of us were there, none of us were there, we are never there in those situations. we don't know what happened before the video. we don't know what the cops saw when they got there, we don't know if the guy was on drugs or not on drugs. >> what we do know is this. what we do know is this.
11:05 pm
is seems extremely easy to get shot by police in america. which is not right. no, and in a situation like this, a white officer shoots a black person, the first accusation is racism. and the police officer's first defense is well, what about all the black people i haven't shot. >> with him being a big black man play a role in her perceived danger. >> no, him being a large man perceived a role in her being in danger. she's working this part of town for quite some time. you know, the week before she was at an all-black high school homecoming football game. >> trevor: oh yeah, yeah. she was at a football game. you know what, truth is i'm willing to accept that this police officer is not racist. but the it introduces us into one of the biggest things we facement because in an american city there is an all-black high
11:06 pm
school and that's normal, instead of weird? living in a society where racial divisions are so deeply baked into every part of society that we don't even notice it any more. an all-black high school. that is a phrase which by the way is never followed by oh, you're talking about the one in the nice part of town, yeah, i know it i know it racial divisions are so normalized that people accept the bias that they don't even realize they have. in the video of the policeman in the helicopter. listen to what he says about terrance crutcher. listen to him as he is flying over the scene. >> that guy is still walking. didn't following commands. >> time for taster, i think. >> i got a feeling that is about to happen. >> that looks like a bad dude too. >> i'm sorry, what does that mean. what exactly about that man looks bad to you, from all the way up there in your helicopter. he's not holding a weapon. his hands are up. he disunt even have a hoodie on,
11:07 pm
isn't that the international sign for bad dude? you can't tell anything about this man from up in the helicopter except for one thing. he's black. that's the only thing you can tell. and you cannot deny we live in a world where people see a black man and they are more likely to think oh, i might get robbed. people think, there is a certain bias, i am even guilty of it. i walk down the street, i won't lie to you, have i never seen a white man walking down the street and thought damn, i hope this guy doesn't mug me. i have crossed the street because i'm like oh, i better keep this dude away from my pengs fund, you know. [bleep] (applause) i just cross the street. you can't deny there is a bias. and people going around on twitter, saying things like oh, these black people need to calm down, why are they rioting. just ask yourself this question. if the only time you encounter black people is when they are police and crime. the only time when you are policing crime, then your only
11:08 pm
experience of black people is that they are criminals. that is your only experience of them. it is the same way, the only time you see a muslim man is when he is on the news for blowing something up. so in your head all muslims are terrorists but if you live in a city like new york that is full with muslims you see that on the news and you bitch about terrorism with the guy making your ka daz bob who is also muslim. he be like the terrorism is et going crazy, it's getting crazy. i know, these sunnies, what are you going to do about it, you can't fix racial bias overnight. you genuinely can't, all right. the one thing you can do is not think black people are crazy for feeling oppressed when every time they see a video of themselves being engaged by the police, it ends with them getting shot. (cheers and app
11:09 pm
some ask, why would you do this? she asks, why wouldn't you? coors light. whatever your mountain, climb on. at pizza hut, our original pan dough rises fresh everyday. making it crispy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside. and now you can get our original pan as part of the 6.99 any deal. that's 2 medium pizzas with any toppings, any crust, any specialty. for just $6.99 each. only at pizza hut. -i used to ask if you could hear me now, but i switched to sprint! i switched too! all these networks are great now, and people are tired of overpaying. sprint cut my rates by 50%! can you hear that? switch to sprint and save 50% on most current national carrier rates. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com
11:10 pm
went up the waterspout. down came the rain... ...and clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. luckily the spider recently had geico help him with homeowners insurance. water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. he got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. his sleep number setting is 25. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance.
11:11 pm
>> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. balls. they are more than just a comically exposed weak part of a man's body. they are also required to get away with some shady [bleep]. but how do people acquire them.
11:12 pm
adam lo witt investigates that in our latest segment where do you get the balls. >> thanks, trevor. let's talk about bankers. they have huge balls. and not just because gonorrhea inflames your testicles. take the latest event involving wells fargo. >> wellsefargo under fire again, the banking giant was just hit with a record fine for opening millions of accounts without customer consent. >> the bank saying it has fired more than 5300 employees over the past five years for their involvement in the scam. >> bank employees opened as many as two million phoney accounts in customer's names to meet sales goals and earn bonuses. >> 2 million fake accounts? that is dedication. because you realize that they had to come up with fake answers to two million security questions. just to put you up to speed. wells fargo became the biggest bank in america in part thanks to something called cross
11:13 pm
selling am now cross selling is the practice of convincing an existing customer to open up additional accounts. the more accounts they open, the more fees the bank gets to collect. so they are giving you something you don't necessarily need, kind of like the ma giefer reboot. yeah, hey, magyver we don't need your gum and paper clips, we have iphones now. cross selling itself takes some medium sized balls. but while wells fargo really stepped up their balls game is by never even telling their customers they were signing them up for these accounts in the first place. and one time i was looking at it, counting it, i had 15 accounts at once. >> they decided to take the time to open them all, i realized there were 16 accounts. >> the scheme yielded 2.4 million in fees from those customers. >> wow. forcing people in the situation where they get screwed and taking a cut of it. you guys aren't bankers, you y'all are pimps. honestly, i would kill to have those balls. i mean check out the executive
11:14 pm
234 charge. >> according to financial disclose documents carrie to theset is leaving with a payout of more than $124 million. >> yeah, $124 million. how is she not in jail? even the pens at the bank are going oh, and i'm the one in chains. (applause) now let me give you a personal story to illustrate my envy of these balls. when i was 17 i got fired from tjmaxx. you may know it as marshal's skanky cousin. why was i fired? i would rather not go into it but let's just say it rhymes wth astu rbating in the ake room. tjmaxx didn't have a severance pack foj-- package for juniors in high school but they owed me for a full we can's work, 12 dollars i will never see. because like this executive from wells fargo i did not have the balls to go back and collect my money after i was terrible at my
11:15 pm
job. and carry to theset was in charge of consumer banking but it was her boss wells fargo c.e.o. john stu mpf who made cross selling a priority for the companiment and by the way, speaking of fake accounts there is no way that stu mpf is a real name. it sounds like yidish for a word for being confused and really full at the same time. i don't have room for this des srt and i have no idea what the capitol of yemen is, i'm stu mpf. the most amazing part about this whole thing as the french would say gentlemen nesais balls, is how he arrived at his unrealistic sales quoteas with. >> in a letter to shareholders he wrote that wells fargo's goal was eight products per customer because eight rhymed with great. >> yeah. so the entire customer sales quotea at wells fargo, the environment that fueled the whole scandal was because their
11:16 pm
c.e.o. liked dr. seuss. (applause) well, then he will probably like this. if you are a wells fargo customer and a cross seller callsk tell them to go kiss john stu mpf's giant balls. >> trevor: thank you, adam. we'll be right back.
11:17 pm
how can this have been washed 12 weeks ago and still smell like springtime...in paris. unstopables in-wash scent boosters. the more you pour the more scent you'll savor. toss into your wash before your clothes for luxurious scent for up to 12 weeks. and introducing unstopables fabric conditioner by downy giving your laundry a bold, captivating scent with luxury you can feel. for long-lasting scent, just pair with your in-wash scent booster. unstopables by downy. the ultimate in long lasting scent.
11:18 pm
he said he had a big screen.. i can't see. sfx: crowd noises. sfx: microwave beep dip-etizer coming in hot. spicy queso. delicious. sfx: football game noises. i love watching football here. sfx: chip crunch and chewing yeah! sfx: electrical sparks best game day ever. this season you could be on the field for super bowl 51, and win other unreal experiences and awesome prizes from the nfl, madden nfl 17 and xbox. only at pepsiandtostitos.com
11:19 pm
what bad back?gels work so fast you'll ask what pulled hammy? advil liqui - gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. some mountains you climb. others you knock down. coors light. whatever your mountain, climb on.
11:20 pm
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. tonight's guest is the host of the wendy williams show. >> in conclusion, game has been romantical with cloay, china and
11:21 pm
kib. >> in all serious, it's all love. come back, come back. sometimes things happen, but i'm a good guy, those are good people. >> listen, after midnight all bets are off. >> okay, after midnight a lot of things are off. >> okay. >> trevor: please welcome wendy williams. (cheers and applause) >> hi! thanks for having me. >> trevor: how you doing. >> how you doing, trevor. >> trevor: thank you for coming to the show. >> thank you for inviting. >> trevor: this is exciting. i feel like i should be on the other side-- you are the expert at this. >> it seems weird, i'm not facing the audience. should i swivel. what do i do. >> trevor: if you like. you can turn towards them. (applause). >> trevor: get comfortable. is this how you do it, and then you talk to the audience.
11:22 pm
>> well, yeah, i like-- like this is good. >> trevor: yeah? >> yeah. >> trevor: you comfortable? >> very. >> thank you for being here and congratulations on the eighth season of your show. (cheers and applause) >> yeah, thank you, thank you very much. >> trevor: when starting, i know you believe in yourself and your show on radio was a huge success but did you ever believe it would go this long and be this successful? >> no. no, honestly. i mean i knew that, you know, we had a show and i have a talent. but that doesn't make it. you've got to canvas america in order to get the love. and people maybe in kentucky and north dakota and other parts of the country might not be used to my big, jersey personality. >> trevor: i i like how you are were searching for the word in your brain, let may say the right word, let may say the right word. >> you know what i mean. you live here in new york now. >> trevor: yes. >> i know you are from south africa. >> trevor: uh-huh. >> but we all are bowedy, a
11:23 pm
bowedy bunch of people here in the tri state. >> trevor: it is a very different vibe. >> yeah. >> trevor: it's not mainstream america. >> yeah. >> trevor: yes, very east coast. when are you making the show then, are you thinking about all of those people and what they want to see on the show? >> yes, i do. but i also think about myself first. like i cannot be anybody but who i am, wendy. i can't. like i can't. (applause) >> you know, if you ask me to tone down my personality, i'm like what? for what? >> trevor: has anyone ever asked you to do that? >> in my life? >> trevor: yes, in your life. >> yeah, various times in my life, sure. you talk too much, too loud, too fast. stop being so expressive, talking with your hands, it makes people nervous. >> trevor: who does it make nervous? >> i don't know. >> trevor: it makes me is-- i
11:24 pm
find it sooths me when you do that. >> because you live here now, so you get it. >> trevor: st a new york thing. >> or something. >> trevor: it's like hypnosis for new yorkers. if you go, get hypnotized in new york, guys are like you are feeling very sleepy. >> yes. >> trevor: you going to sleep or what? you going to sleep, man? i understand that. that micks a lot of sense. >> yes, yes, but you do-- . >> trevor: you here is what fascinating me. have i all my tvs on during the day. one tv in the middle and wendy williams is on that one. what fascinates me about your show is you have a show that is considered, let's say in the world of daytime, we don't get into stuff. but you get into some serious topics on your show that no other show at that time is talking about. >> well, we love hot topics and i love talking about pop culture. i love celebrity culture. i think that for one hour a day we are allowed to laugh along, cry along, or learn about our favorite celebs. >> trevor: yeah. >> like if you want to know more about brad and angelina, you
11:25 pm
come to me. >> trevor: so like in that clip that we watched there, if we wanted to know. >> about the game. >> trevor: that the game had sex with three of the. >> i got to the bottom of the information. because he rapped about it in a song. and said he had sex with three. but he never said who the three are. >> trevor: so you went deep-- you know what fascinates me about this, i go wendy, you realize you are wasting your talents. america needs you to go after people that are on the new, politicians who are saying things and then, you know, you could be going deep in and going hey, i will investigate who you had sex with, or your tax returns. i think the thing that fascinates me the most about you, though, is how driven you are. so i knew werched-- wendy williams first from the tv show, you have a syndicated radio show, books, you have a line, are you designing shoes. >> well, i'm designing a line of shoes, have i been with hsm for about a year and a half. my apparel line has been very
11:26 pm
successful and on friday i will be presenting my new shoe line which i have never done shoes before but they are not just shoe, they're shoes, honey. >> trevor: i don't even know what that means. okay, they look good. i will say that. they look good. >> top over the knee boots and everything in between. and then coming in later in the winter i have, you know, coats and things like that. but none of this would have happened without the success of the base, when i was in radio, i started writing books, a new york times best seller and i have written seven books, i have been a broadcaster for over 30 years of my life. >> trevor: how do you stay successful and deliver enfor 30 years in the entertainment industry that maybe many times has said no to you? >> well, i don't take no very easily. i also now in my life now, have i a very good support system. i have been married for 18 years. >> trevor: wow. (applause)
11:27 pm
>> yeah, and he's my manager and also one of the executive producers of the talk show. so he knows exactly. but they understand. our son who is 16 knows that dinner is in the it upper ware, i left it for you earlier today. so i will be home later on, you know what i mean. so does my husband. they know where i am. don't ring my cell phone, you guys know where i am. so support system is real importantment but also, trevor, the ability to say no. and i know you are a lot younger than me. are you like 20 years younger than me. >> trevor: i'm five? >> these nights, when you finish your show, i know you go to the bar, you have fun with your friends. watch that. cuz your friends aren't always your friends. and you've got some place to be in the morning and you have to look fresh faced and ready to go. and you've got to-- no, you laugh, i'm serious. you laugh, i'm serious. like to me, girl's nights out were for when i was, you know, your age. >> trevor: yeah. >> girl's nights out are no
11:28 pm
longerment i go home after this, i moisturize, take my wig off and get in the bed. i got some place to be first thing in the morning. >> trevor: you know what is so funny, that sounds like the exact regime that done all trump does at the end of the day. that is exactly what that sounds leak. one of my favorite shows on tv, check your local listings to catch the wendy williams show. wendy williams. everybody 6789 (cheers and app ♪ you say insane. i say i trained. you say freakish. i say frequent. insane. i trained. freakish. frequent. let's run the whole thing back. you say ridiculous. i say meticulous. you say incredible. i say inevitable. ridiculous. meticulous. incredible. inevitable. let's run the whole thing back. carbs to compete. electrolytes to replenish.
11:29 pm
who know it wasn't a day at the beach...rough it. unless someone got buried. to the fullbacks... gearheads... and those with green thumbs. to the sticky... the stinky... even those who get a little icky. to all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up... with delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. see what delta can do. ha-ha-ha! um-hmmm! hey! nikki! what are you doing here? you tell me, stephen. what? i'm snapping. you've been streaming my videos all morning. now you're with this thing? no! it's not you! it's verizon! they limit my data. i had to choose. come on, girl. let's get us a man with unlimited data.
11:30 pm
why pay verizon more for data limits? introducing t-mobile one. one price. unlimited data for everyone. range of strongbow hard cider.r to show off the award-winning oh i know about that award just like i know about your trophies. what trophies? the ones your mother wants you to get rid of because they are taking up too much space in the basement. gasp! you crossed the line, stewart! strongbow mshe said i should think of my rteeth like an apple. it could be great on the outside not so great on the inside. her advice? use a toothpaste and mouthwash that strengthens both. go pro with crest pro-health advanced. it's uniquely formulated with activestrength technology to strengthen teeth inside and is better at strengthening the outside than colgate total. crest toothpaste and mouthwash makes my whole mouth feel amazing. advance to healthier gums and stronger teeth from day one. my check-up was great. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight, stay tuned for "@midnight" coming up next at
11:31 pm
11:30, here it is, your moment of zen. >> it says muslims get out. >> part of america is what we are talking about, not here. let's make sure we get this clear. we are not racists and we do not mean this against all mus>> oka. you know how much i hate babies. congratulations, you're now watching trump presents "@midnight," sponsored by trump steaks. the meat based food product that the fda says technically doesn't cause rectal bleeding anymore. and it's also wifi enabled. you can make a telephone call and eat it afterwards.

112 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on