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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  December 1, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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cheersz plaws. >> chris: it is 29 minutes until midnight, the day where we will announce the winner according to the american tri beun green party candidate and president not so elect jillstein has been arrested for em bezzing funding from her election to throw a massive marijuana party in california which is spanish for marijuana. her guest list allegedly included some of the richest liberals in l.a., also known as the "@midnight" writers. o so comedians what are some things you might overhear at jill stein's pot party?
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never had someone buzz in for someone else before. >> thank you so much. i need to get higher so that i can forget that a toak for stein is a toke for trump. >> chris: all right, points for that. rich fulcher. >> which one is jill stein? >> chris: points. noel fielding. >> i like how rich's stoned voice is the same as his normal voice. >> shut up, just shut up! >> chris: that was just called rich-- that scene was rich fulcher and jill stein's pot party. >> even though they have both been, do i still need to buzz. >> chris: you can, you don't have to. oh [bleep]. >> i'm going to an impression of rich fulcher. i hope donald trump gets in, man, then we can fashion a bng out of his hair. >> chris: all right, perfect. fight on. i'm better at you than you are.
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>> shut up! >> chris: all right, so i have a confession to make, that news story was completely fake, you guys, totally fake, totally made up but people are still sharing it like it's real. this is part of a very troubling trend of people being stupid. fake news is everywhere these days, google has been clamping down, one recent report found the top 20 fake news stories were interacted with 9 million times in the we can before the election it plays into people's confirmation. they want to feel like they are right, doesn't matter if the information is real or not, as long as they see it written in a font, a font, that seems official that saul they need. it is all made up of widely shared fake news stories that have been debunked by snoaps. i want you to tell me how you can tell they are fake. our next fake story don't drop the snope, the thing about fake knows it all sounds relatively feezable until you get to the third paragraph where they mention the face on mars. which of the stories were shared
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so much it had to be dedunked a cat c feces contains microbes that meak you get into sado mass kiss particular sex and the-- a and b, and british vegans are up in arms because their new bank notes contain animal fat. >> i guess i'm going to say c. because i have seen british money and it is pretty fans lee, like it's got colors and it's shiny. >> chris: okay, so you think it contains animal fat. >> it is not monopoly, you know that. >> but when i'm over there it feels like it because the money makes no sense. >> chris: it's actually not the correct answer that is actually a real fact, the fake fact slt enterprise is turning into theu ss trump, this is an artist con sesmtionz theu ss trump on the way to mira lago to refuel with four hot chick. according to the fake double blowing story it has beach, slot machines, 50 caliber machine gun, shooting range and a nuclear reactor downstairs for
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the kids. next up, local loco inla cerveza, this story fooled a lot of people, the inventor of cor ona exeks tra a spanish billionaire antonio fernandez recently died under suspicious circumstances possibly related to him being 99 years old, but to make up for his immediate oaker watered down beer he bequeeted 200 million to the res dns of the small spanish village where he got up that is a lot of queets. so what tipped you off to this story being fake? >> no, seriously? >> well trk wasn't suspicious circumstances. everybody knows the inventor of corona died of lymes disease. >> chris: okay, very well done. very well done. of course. you know f you didn't understand the word play and you just turned-- that's terrible. why would they applaud that. kristen. >> i knew its with take because people don't die, chris, that simply doesn't happen. >> chris: okay, good, points. that's true. people don't die.
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our next fake news story miranda wrong. lin-manuel miranda an out of work actor who can't seem to catch a break is being threatened to deportation by puerto rico by king donald. he trump is probably still upset at the hamilton cast comments to mike pence and also upset to find out that hamilton was puerto rican. how did you know this news story was fake. kristen schaal. >> because it was probably on some sort of blog called cu ck a doodle lib tards. >> chris: points. rich fulcher. >> it's impossible, trump never holds a grudge and he just moves on. >> chris: points. yeah. you're right. he does. that is the end of rapid refresh, let's take a break from the fake stuff and get back to reality. we'll check the scoreboards of our fake game show with 300 points from the mighty boosh, an
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luxury comedy, noel fielding is on the show. we put kristen in the mid toll separate you two. >> i feel like he wants to touch noel all the time. >> chris: i know he does. >> do you think if these two had a baby it would come out me? >> chris: you know, i do actually-- not only do i think that physically but i also think clothingly as well. are you the perfect. >> know. >> match between the two. with 400 points from the last man on earth, and a fantastic show sundays on fox, kristen schaal. (applause) also with 400 points from questionable science, season two sphreeming on comedy central.com, rich fulcher.
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and now it it is time for tonight's wars. (cheers and applause) it's december now which means the weather in a lofts the country is somewhere between cold as [bleep] and ann coulter's heart. when it is this chilly the only good reason to go outside is to kill white walkers. oirks, it's ann coulter again. you got to just-- got to just stay in and watch a movie that is why tonight's hashtag is make a movie cold. examples mike mightk tinker tailer colder guy and batman beats snowman. 06 seconds, begin. kristen. >> glengary jack frost. >> chris: yes. rich. >> jurassic parka. >> chris: yes, points. noel fielding. >> passion of the clies it's cold. >> chris: yes, points.
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kristen. >> pretty in pink nose and cheeks. >> chris: a docial. points. full ter. >> peggy igloo got married. >> chris: points. >> brrrr ird man. >> chris: points noel. >> numba numba. >> chris: good, rich fulcher. >> the wolf of wall street and a lot of [bleep] snow. >> just heard of the-- . >> chris: yes, points. rich. >> apocalypse plow. >> chris: yes points. >> full winter jacket. >> chris: yes, points. >> snowball fight club. >> chris: yes, pointsk noel. >> the good, the bad and the snuggley. >> chris: kristen. >>-- zero-- no. >> chris: send us your hashtags to make a movie cold an
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tag them "@midnight" to ep coo the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war, well they say the best gifts come from the heart. no. they come from the stomach. give the gift of quality time with an applebee's gift card. and receive a $10 bonus card for yourself. only at applebee's. don't know what the future hass in store for them, they bought into a 30-year mortgage anyway. because they weren't just thinking about their future... buy in. quicken loans. home buy. refi. power. (vo) it's the holidays at verizon, and the best deals are on the best network. (both) yes! (vo) with no surprise overages, you can use your data worry free and even carry over the data you don't use. and right now get four lines and 20 gigs for only $40 per line. and, just for the holidays,
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(cheers and applause). >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play wrong side of the tracts. now normally we don't speak ill of the dead but the world bought the real bag of d krirks, k with the passing of pat c chick fearmongerring cartoonist an publish of chick tracts. he put out intolerant comic become called chick tracts that read kind of like if dill better joined westboro baptist church, like this one called still no revival? which has you can see a whole thing about how family guy is actually gay propaganda. says here i just love little stewie he's gay, spoiler alert at the end, they all get hit by
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a car and burn in hell. that's true. on page 21. no love lost, on twitter, at the news of jack's passion as jsrnz pointed out using mr. chick's own words, let's get high and deny clies. so in honor of the hateful can toonist i will show a randol panel and for 250 points give the next line. first one, jack thinks people without christ just can't wait to have an abortion. no stupid flat tire is tbing to stop us from getting that abortion today. what is the next line, noel fielding. >> i didn't even know cars could get pregnant. (laughter) (applause) >> god bless you. >> oh, so the only unnferred politicians took on the wrong side of history.
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>> chris: points. what are the age of trip shall one of the as in triple a is abortion. >> chris: let's go get a triple abortion. >> yeah. >> chris: next one, jack thinks rock music turns you gay. >> you condition marry each other you'll des troit image of the green angels. but we're in love, then i will give you a little wedding present, some aids. >> chris: real comic guy. >> lewis is terrible at giving christmas presents. remember last year when he gave us snuggies? now we get aids? >> chris: points. >> dnt even try. >> chris: rich. >> i'll give some aids in bed. get it?
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get it? get-- get it? >> chris: points. >> no? >> i already had aids, everyone knows you can't get it twice. >> all right, points, points. >> chris: next up, jack thinks the easter bunny say false god. are you jesus? gu lp. what is the next line, rich fulcher. >> easter bunny, sit down. i'm chris hanson. >> chris: all right, points. points. >> kristen schaal. >> you can see me? >> chris: points. >> are you jesus, no, jesus wasn't white. >> chris: all right, points. very good, points. next jack also warns that halloween is the devil's birthday. they're copping to celebrate pie birthday. [bleep] i forgot my chainsaw. what is the next line.
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kristen. >> are they laughing with me or at me. who cares i didn't put on this pumpkin head to not kill people. >> chris: all right, points. rich. >> hey, give me some lotion, i want to show them what that jacko in jacko-lantern means. huh? who's with me? get it? get it? get it? . >> no, we're when i told that geneie i really wanted a pumpkin for a head, he gnaw i was joking, right? >> chris: point, points. lastly, lastly, butter, how are you? >> i'm rich in clies, charlie, stop preparing what is going on over there. >> chris: what is the next line. >> you know, just burning my dick with a car battery. >> chris: that is the end of wrong side of the tracks t is time for our live challenge.
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if you hate the sounds of between, cover your ears because i'm about to announce that taylor swift is getting her own tv show! >> how is that possible? >> chris: this is not the first time a musical artist tried something look, this here is one of the pilots, one of the pilots from the scrap kid rock network. that was. >> it had a beginning, middle and end. >> chris: yeah, it is a very simple three act structure. that is the reboot of downtown abby is what that was. >> there is an upstairs and a downstairs. >> chris: an upstairs and downstairs, a front door and back door. >> in england we call farts, trumps. >> chris: is that true. >> they are all trumps. >> that is how we think of it here too.
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>> chris: as far as what will appear on the net work reports are vague, so let's wildly speculate. i want to you tell me what is coming up next on the taylor swift tv network. we'll get your answers when we come back. ♪ you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit. i used to be with verizon, but i switched to sprint. me too! and me. when will you? can you hear that? (vo) don't let a 1% difference cost you twice as much.
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happy holidays to you and your family. for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint today. visit sprintrelay.com
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only >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you the taylor swift network is coming soon to a trk v screen another
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you and ask you to tell me what is coming up on this a dcial new channel where the haters going to hate hate hate hate hate. let's see you what wrote, noel feelgd, let's start with you. >> you were just watching taylor swift's latest music video. and now for something with even more artistic merit. child porn. followed by yeti porn. followed by yeti child porn. which is just regular yeti porn fimmed in such a way that is suitable for children. >> chris: okay. all right. rich. >> coming up next, taylor goes on a date with her new boyfriend tom hiddleston. whoops, i mean john mayer. whoops i mean mini me, whoops, i mean a really sexy walrus named tood els. >> chris: all right.
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very good. kristen. >> coming up next, who wants to be a billionaire by keeping your politics to yourself and not taking a stand about anything but kayne west? >> chris: all right. 3,000 points for everyone! it's time for ye old buzz speed. i redditter proposed 24 question recently frk humans from pastoras had internet what would their click bathe ads saivment the favorite came from w tv x red who said are they a witch, seven ways to tell. number two will drown you. so this is a lot of fun, i would like you to give me click bathe headlines as you can in 60 headlines and begin. rich. >> i drilled a hole in my skull
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and lost 12 demons in a forth night. >> chris: yes, points. kristen. >> joseph found out mary got pregnant while he was at work and she had the perfect response. >> chris: points. noel. >> could this man in a wheelchair defeat hitler? >> chris: points. rich. >> 42 great donner party recipes. >> chris: points. kristen. >> we can get your favorite tease based oning when gengist chawn enslaved your people wz. >> chris: that is the ends of ye old buzz field, noel fielding is in third place however i am not going to eliminate anyone. i will tell you why, because sth a brexit i will avoid. (applause) not on my watch. that means it's time to wish you a scary christmas.
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it's for the win. well, it is christmas time in austria that specialee season when alpine families gathers to appreciate each other and celebrate the birth of christ. -- merry [bleep] christmas. that was the krampus, you guy, the krampus run in hollabrunn use treear, dedicated to krampus, the evil counterpart of santa. in europe they have been exchanging krampus greeting cards since the 1800st like this one showing krampus trying to stuff what i think is louis anderson into a laundry basket while-- so comedians over the
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break compose a christmas letter to krampus that might be written by a typical austrian child. we'll read the comedian's answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight" you're acting so funny, what's wrong, billy? my doctor says i have skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow!
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oh no, that looks gross whoa, twhat is that? try it. you gotta try it, it's terrible. i don't wanna try it if it's terrible. it's like mango chutney and burnt hair. no thank you, i have a very sensitive palate. just try it! guys, i think we should hurry up. if you taste something bad, you want someone else to try it. it's what you do. i can't get the taste out of my mouth! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. shhh! dog, dog, dog.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i will waip your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answer as loud, you the audience will he did side the winner.
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before the break i showed you horrifying fattage from the countrieses that krampus festival and ask ud to come up with a note that a child might write to krampus for christmas. let's see you what wrote. first one, dear krampus, i want closure. all right. number two. >> dear krampus, all i want for christmas is my two front teeth back and my little sister's head. oh and a playstation 4. number three. dear krampus, i moved, please come visit me at 721 fifth avenue trump towers. i will say number three seems to be the favorite, who is number three? kristen schaal is our winner. the funniest-- funniest person in the world for the next 23 and
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a half hours. monday night our guests will be dave hill, jmasckcis and steve agee. have an amazing weekend. be nice to etch other. i will see you neck week. bye bye. - "this is not happening" is rated tvma and it intended only for mature audiences. viewer discretion is advised. tonight's topic is adventure. [dark electronic music] ♪ oh! ahh! ♪ ugh! oh! ahh! augh! - ahhhh!

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