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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  December 5, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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tonight. stay tuned forrate midnight coming up next. how near here it is, your moment of zen. >> this guy right here is not your daddy's santa claus. >> no, is he just too cool for that check out what happened when santa gets a hip ster makeover. is he tattooed, has piecerrings and is sporting a man bun. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org nsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. rumors are swirling that apple is developing a self-driving car, which if true, would be a huge departure from their current focus on new (/ bleep/ ) chargers every six months. many online are overjoyed that the company may get into the auto business, since it's not like apple has ever made a product that breaks the second it hits pavement. the tech mogul's ambitions went public after they wrote a letter
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to the national highway traffic safety administration, asking that we respect driver's data privacy when they have near misses or when apple maps makes them drive into a lake. comedians, since it's from apple, what might be some features from their self-driving car? steve agee. >> you can get 40 miles per chinese kid. [laughing] >> right under the hood pedaling. >> chris: dave hill. >> 15 minutes after you buy it a new version k-plz out. skwr-fplt j.mascis. >> self driven tested by 6 years old. >> chris: next up con great-snap. good news, incoming freshmen! millennials are taking over and are ruining, i mean slaying, the educational experience in the chillest way possible! according to buzzfeed news, the university of wisconsin green bay is now snapchatting students
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their acceptance notices. pretty soon instead of cheating off the smart kid you can just face swap and let them take the test! green bay's social media expert said "snaps are not sent to students that are not accepted." that ain't right you guys. they can have the professors text a consolation dick pic, so the student can use the lawsuit comedians, since the university of wisconsin green bay is using snaps to accept students, what are some ways they could use apps to reject the rest? dave. >> an uber picks you up at the house and drops you off at a fish concert. >> chris: points. j mascis. >> they send you a picture of the school mascot giving you the finger. >> chris: points. steve agee. >> you signed in the grinder says, sorry, have some anal on us. [laughing] >> chris: what do you mean, on
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us? next up next up viral cry-ral. in trying times it helps to take refuge in life's small pleasures. this man has become a genuine youtube sensation because he shed tears of joy at something was it: he found a curly fry in with his regular fries. a particularly dank marijuana cigarette. his wife just gave birth and there's a property brothers marathon on. dave hill. >> i want it to be the kurtly cy fries. i think it's the dank marijuana. [laughing] >> he gets the curly fries immediately after. >> chris: immediately after. exactly.
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next, peyton manly. i'd like to introduce you to someone: that grizzly (/ bleep/) is the reverend peyton, and when he's not posing for photos in what looks like a revenant themed petting zoo, he's prett amazing at coming up with contraptions. so comedians.ùwhat's his latest innovation? he made a guitar out of a shotgun. he made a quiche out of a live possum. he made another hat out of that horse. dave hill. >> i want it to be the flesh light. but it's the shotgun. [laughing] >> chris: i like how you pause for a second for recognition. the answer is the shotgun. it's the greatest [beep] thing you will see all week. [beep] [cheers and applause] >> chris: that is -- incredible. i object credible. i mean to be able to play, to get the shot, to play that. i think i know what ted nugget's
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family is getting for christmas. they're getting murdered. he's murdering them all, it has nothing to do with this. the big damn band is fantastic. what's the song you would play on the shotgun guitar dave. >> sweet home alabama. chris: what? >> with zero changes. chris: yes, perfect. steve. >> while my guitar gently kills. chris: alright. points. j. >> i shot the sheriff -- [laughing] >> chris: yes, points. definitely. >> chris: damn i'm jealous that had. >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. let's check the scoreboards. with 500 points host of "the goddamn dave hill show" on wfmu, it's dave hill.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: with 300 points from dinosaur jr., their new album "give a glimpse of what yer not" is available now where records are sold, it's j mascis. [cheers and applause] >> chris: 300 points co-host of the monthly "baked" show at the hollywood improv december 17, it's steve agee. [cheers and applause] >> thank you, chris. thanks for having me. always good to be back. >> chris: you're going to be such a super star when guardians 2 comes out. season guardians of the galaxy season two coming out next year. >> i saw guardians of the gal axe, the first one. >> chris: he wasn't in that one. >> uhhh. chris: you okay, steve. >> it's good to be back. [laughing] >> always feel welcomed. chris: now it's time for
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tonight's #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] >> chris: call me crazy. this time of year i love cramming stuff into other stuff. cramming presents under the tree, food in my face. tonight it's add a song ruin a movie. very simple. examples: "terminator 2 legit 2 quit" and "dude where's my neck my back my pussy and my crack." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. dave hill. >> sin less list is on my list. chris: steve. >> the godfather 2 live crew, hay we want should pussy. >> chris: points. yes. j. >> misses doubt fire starter. chris: yes, points. oh, my god. that is the mash up movie that needs to happen. hello -- that would be wao *ep
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amazing. >> beaching [beep] chris: points. steve agee. >> sympathy for the devil wears prada. >> chris: j. >> and i will always love ten things i hate about you. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: steve agee. >> who let the dogs go to heaven. >> chris: alright. points. [laughing] >> chris: dave hill. >> kindergarten cop killer. chris: points. very good. j. >> the [beep] police academy. chris: yes, points. points. j. >> i ain't saying she's a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke back mountain. >> chris: points. very well played. very well played. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that takes us to the end of the #hashtagwars. send us your #addasongruinamovie and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight.
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our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @dgoosehonk. well done!
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[cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play we cringe you a merry cringe-mas. at this point, you might be ears maybe bleeding from the holiday songs playing in the mall and on the radio and at particularly festive strips clubs. trust me when i say these songs are nowhere near as ear-stabbingly painful as the ones on youtube. i'm going to show you a bit of a christmas song that is thankfully not being piped into your local starbucks and for 250 points you're going to have to answer a question about it. first up, from the world of public access, it's the dean and company christmas special! >> i'm dana dean. >> leslie dean. >> stacy dean. >> welcome to dean and company. chris: oh, so comedians, what are some
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other -- you want to finish up there? >> no, i'm good. chris: -- what are some other activities alt their christmas party. >> accidentally saying the "n" word. [laughing] >> chris: i mean accidentally. dave hill. >> butt chugging. chris: alright. points. i don't know what it is, i'm sure they do it. >> they don't know what it is. chris: they know. >> steve, do you remember when -- [laughing] >> you soak a tampon in vodka and steve puts it your your ass. >> chris: it's always steve puts it in your ass. >> i have a lot of frequent flier miles. >> chris: next up a boy band that didn't make it for some
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reason. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know it would of been kind of amazing if the ice cracked and one of them fell through. what do you think these guys want for christmas, anyone. >> a bag of dicks. chris: points. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: steve agee. >> rehearsal. chris: yes, points. next up a hanukkah parody of taylor swift? this couldn't possibly go sideways. ♪ ♪ comedians, how would taylor
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swift break up with this guy? dave. >> file a non denominational restraining order. >> chris: points. points. very good. steve. >> uhhh, you're a jewish. [laughing] >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: next one, a ditty from basil marceaux, who really actually ran for governor in tennessee. my home state. >> chris: don't tell your mom if my hand is in your under pants. comedians, he mentions christmas turns him on.
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what else do you think might turn this guy on? >> pills bury pop and fresh criossants. >> chris: points. dave hill. >> cub scouts. hris: points. no, no. he just means -- you totally misunderstood he means tying knots and turning in badges. >> now meant [beep] cub scouts. chris: okay. [laughing] that is the end of we cringe you a merry christmas. it's time for our live challenge, check me out. >> chris: waiting in line. it's the worst part of going to the grocery store. it's your lucky day. a new physical an a son market
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with have check outlines without registers. take a look. >> what would shopping look like if you could walk into a store, grab what you want and go. no lines, checkouts or registers. welcome to amazon go. >> chris: that looks like canadian looting. >> chris: i have been amazon going my food the past year. instead of paying for it it looks great. how do you get the sweet shoplifting erection if they take away the idea of shoplifting. the first store is to open in seattle in 2017. i would like another announcement for an amazon business not fully thought out. we will get your answers after the break with more "@midnight."
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i really did save hundreds on my car insurance with geico. i should take a closer look at geico... geico has a long history of great savings and great service. over seventy-five years. wait. seventy-five years? that is great. speaking of great, check out these hot riffs. you like smash mouth? uh, yeah i have an early day tomorrow so... wait. almost there. goodnight, bruce. gotta tune the "a." (humming)
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take a closer look at geico.
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great savings. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about amazon go. it's the online retail giant's physical store that has no lines, no registers, and no employees. i asked you come up with an announcement for another amazon business that may not be fully thought out. let's see what you wrote. j. >> the amazon baby sitter. they ship you an airtight plastic bubble. >> chris: yes, not go well. dave hill. [ applause ] >> welcome to amazon fantasy football. it's just a picture of tom brady in a flashlight. >> chris: alright. >> i didn't get it either. i have to be honest. >> chris: steve. >> am a sob prime rib.
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warm, unretredge rated meat direct to your door. click here to get it by christmas. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: alright. i will give a thousand points to dave. 500 to j, 500 to steve. our next game global warning. according to nasa, 2016 is the hottest year in history, beating the previous record holder, 2015. climate change appears to be turning into a global crisis, like dabbing and putting kale in salads. you're not suppose to eat kale. it's like parsley. so, take your kids to see the snow for the last time and get to higher ground to be save. give me as many global warming survival tips as you can. >> dry and jerk your turds to eat later.
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[ applause ] >> chris: the guy who made the guitar gun, he probably knows how to do that. dave. >> pretend it's not happening. chris: alright. points. >> ya, i said it. chris: he's not afraid. steve. >> suck up to elon musk. chris: j. >> guess use to the taste of your own urine. >> chris: points. >> get purgey. chris: dave. >> load up on spf4000. jim: j. >> learn to breath carbon dioxide. >> chris: dave. >> surround yourself with fat slow people, chris. >> chris: j. >> fatten up your kids to use as a raft. >> chris: points. dave. >> well -- your pr prius when te
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world goes full on mad max. >> chris: that's the end of global warning. i don't want to eliminate anyone today. i'm enjoying this. steve, dave and i like j. i am keeping everyone around for the final round. it's time to tkrap your calls and grab your pwaugz. it's for the win! the f.c.c., also known as the farty cucks club, is the government agency responsible for making sure nobody swears on the radio. they don't have jurisdiction over cable. suck it f.c.c. not on this network anyways. what -- >> i just threw my jiz on this. [laughing] >> chris: take that. >> [beep] it. chris: but also --
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but also keeping you up-to-date on immediate threats to life and safety by sending you texts via the wireless emergency alert system. this means that, after january president donald trump will be able to send everybody in america texts that cannot be blocked, at any hour of the day or night. so whenever trump is up taking a pee, you could get an emergency text about alec baldwin being mean or a war with china who knows. luckily, trump is a 70-year-old man, and old men never pee at night. there he is, thinking about peeing. what text he will send in the middle of the night. don't pee, donald! comedians, i want you to give me a text you might expect to see from president, wait for it! president donald trump. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
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this man can lift a 526 pound barrel of tennessee whiskey. these people can do everything else. ♪ this is lynchburg, tennessee.
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the home of jack daniel's. this is lynchburg, tennessee. ♪ ♪ nicotine can reprogram your brain until all you think about is your next cigarette. don't get hacked. therdaddy, how big is filled wia blue whale?who's- hmm. ok google, how big is a blue whale? blue whale typically has a weight of 300,000 lbs. huh. an ocean filled with creatures... oh! this is where mom does a big whale noise. whale noise? ok google, what noise does a whale make? [whale noise] alright, let's keep going.
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an ocean filled with- do whales sleep? ok google, do whales sleep? the ofor a limited time. back in its original bottle. the same great tasting 96-calorie miller lite. just a little dressed up for the holidays. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. it comes down to this moment. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. during the break we helped steve move. i also remember telling you about donald trump and his presidential texting prerogatives and i asked you to give me a text you might get from our tangerine dreamer in the wee hours. let's see what you wrote. first one ... suck my balls, please disregard if you're a white straight male and christian. [ applause ] >> chris: alright. number two ... if you don't forward this text to 7 people something terrible
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will happen to america. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number three ... [beep] you, cher! [ applause ] >> chris: who is number two? j. mascis has won the internet. he has broken the internet today. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be sam morril, janelle james and mike lawrence. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #addasongruinamovie and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. pick up the new dinosaur jr. album. be nice to each other. be nice to each other. goodnight! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪

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