tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central December 7, 2016 2:07am-2:36am PST
december 9 and everywhere december 16 in theaters, december 16 in theaters, "darkness and light" i girl: you're going to need me. you're going to need us. all of us. you're going to need our help with your water... your air, your food. you're going to need our determination, our compassion. you're going to need the next generation of leaders to face the challenges the future will bring. and we promise we'll be there when you need us.
♪ for tuning in! stay tuned for "@midnight" coming up next. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> i have been to several hurricanes including a category 5 in cancun, and this h, i'm telling you, i have to stop -- okay. so anyways. this is worse -- oh (bleep)! i think i lost my sound. medy cel ( cheers and applause ) medy cel >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. the grammy nominations were announced today, and leading the pack with nine nods is the most luminous, perfect, sun-made human on earth, beyonce! this is very great news for music fans and also late-night
comedy show hosts who can count on an audience going nuts every time they hear the word "beyonce." ( cheers and applause ) "beyonceé." ( cheers and applause ) the fact that bae got top honors was a big "no duh." but there were some surprises in the mix, like the fact that the suicide squad soundtrack got three nominations, suggesting that-- this might suggest grammy voters are 19-year-old piercing pagoda employees who don't have to call you dad just because you married my mom, thom with an "h." you don't own me! also a surprise was a nomination from the streaming-only release "coloring book" from chance the rapper. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. you like chance the rapper. way more successful than his twin brother, chance, the d.m.v. employee. this is a very progressive move for the grammys. comedians, now that cd's are
just those things your dad keeps in his prius and records are those things hipsters collect in lieu of having a personality, i'm going tow get nailed for that. yeah, records are fine. what are some more updated, modern grammys categories? janelle. >> best white girl acoustic guitar version of rihanna songs. >> chris: points. talking the coffee house. sam morril. >> reverse in memoryam for rappers still alive over 40. >> chris: that's a great idea. very good. mike lawrence. >> the sting award for annoying musician your mom wants to ( bleep ). >> chris: perfect, perfect. i mean, to be honest, i don't want to know any of the ones on her list, just if we're talking. i know one is josh grogan and i'm tbrendz josh, and i feel weird about it. josh grogan, if you want to take a shot at my mom, i support it.
>> there are sexist both adult and contemporary. >> chris: yes! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: next,furry christmas. there's a war on christmas going on, but it's not being perpetrated by liberals. it's being waged by a different kind of godless animal: actual godless animals! like this beaver in maryland who walked into a dollar store, there he is. checked out some artificial christmas trees, and then just trashed the place. he just went nuts. he was just like ( bleep ). i'm jewish! where are the hanukkah bushes?! >> there is not much difference between a beacher and a person who shops at the dollar ucbstore.com. >> says the guy with the beaverrish face. >> don't give a damn. or exhibit b: this video of a seattle woman captured of a squirrel stealing her christmas lights.
( laughter ) the person recording this finally figured out who's been stealing enough christmas lights to spell "(bleep) you, dogs!" ( laughter ) and the dogs are not happy about it. they are very upset. ( cheers and applause ) very upset. comedians, how else are animals trying to sabotage christmas? janelle. >> black cat are like, what about qawns? >> chris: all right, point. points. next, six second smackdown. this video was at the top of vine yesterday. here we go. all right. we're going to stop it there. comedians, what happens next between this cranky little kid messing with her big cousin? he gives her an expensive toy, she doesn't like it, and she smacks him again, or he just tosses her across the room. ( laughter ) which one is it? sam. >> i'm going with the toss. >> chris: you think it's the toss? let's find out.
( screaming ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: this person just doesn't give a ( bleep ). it's not child abuse. she's fine. >> playing around on the couch. >> chris: by the way, not such a bad punchline, during her flight she had an amazing view of both eiffel towers. it all worked out fine. everyone's fine. ( applause ) next, "tweet the press." it looks like angrier lorax donald trump might be the firs ( laughter ) president of the "great again" states of america to avoid the media by holding press conferences solely on social media. it's like his own weekly "tweet the press." he even explained why he tweets
in a tweet he tweeted the other day on twitder: "if the press would cover me accurately and honorably, i would have far less reason to tweet.'" sadly, i don't know if that will ever happen! take that the press. i want to know what donald trump will say on the next "tweet the press." ( tweeting ) >> chris: that was all the rest of our year's budget. ( laughter ) mike lawrence. >> does anyone know how to run the world's most powerful government? asking for a friend. >> chris: yeah, all right, points. ( applause ) >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. let's check the scoreboards. with 400 points, performing at stand up scottsdale in scottsdale, arizona december 8 through 10, it's sam morril. ( cheers and applause ) with 400 points, performing at up comedy club in chicago january 20, it's janelle james.
( cheers and applause ) with 700 points, performing on roastmasters at the stand in n.y.c. december 13, it's mike lawrence. ( cheers and applause ) and now that everyone knows who everyone is, let us begin tonight's "#hashtagwars." ( cheers and applause ) have you ever been single during the holidays? it's the worst. all of your friends and family keep asking, "what are you going to do for christmas? you can't be alone for christmas." "why are you anything to be alone for christmas?" they make it sound like christmas is a serial killer-- "hurry! christmas is coming!" loc yourselves away!" so, tonight, we're going to try to help you find love under the mistletoe with our hashtag #holidaypickuplines. these totally work, 100%. some examples might be: "girl, you want me to stuff that stocking?" "sorry i came down your chimney." ( laughter ) i'm going to put 60 seconds. ( cheers and applause ) on the clock-- i'm really sorry.
i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock starting now. sam. >> can i call vur vagina baby jesus because it's about to get murdered by a jew. >> chris: wow! mike. >> girl, you must be kwanzaa because no one else will acknowledge you. >> chris: all right, points. mike lawrence. >> is that a dick in your mouth or are you just trying to pronounce hanukkah. >> police navi-damn son. >> i know when you're sleeping. i know when you're weak. i'm a registered sex offender. >> chris: vrkd. sam. >> is that a candy cane in your pocket or are your pants sticky for another reason. >> chris: all right, point. mike. >> let's make like a classic arnold short nairg film and jingle all the way. >> chris: very well done. janelle.
>> i'm just like santa. i only come once a year. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: that's the end of "#hashtagwars." send us your #holidaypickuplines and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @qweetus. well done! (vo) it's the holidays at verizon, and the best deals are on the best network. (both) yes! (vo) with no surprise overages, you can use your data worry free and even carry over the data you don't use. and right now get four lines and 20 gigs for only $40 per line. and, just for the holidays, buy the motoz play droid absolutely free. no trade-in required. i love you in that,
no, i love you in that. no, i love you in that! (vo) hurry, these offers end soon. get the best deals and the best network, only on verizon. at chili's, we say forget the fruitcake. give the gift of fajitas. this holiday season, when you give $50 in gift cards, you'll get a free $10 bonus card. chili's. chilin' since '75.
this is how many people were born here. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. this guy keeps the town dry. these guys would prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. for 150 years, the home of jack daniel's. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. they look like this. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "(bleep) lame butt scenes." without a doubt, everyone's absolute favorite part of video games is the non-interactive cut scenes, where you set down your controller and watch a short film where stiffly animated 3d models recite softcore porn-
quality dialog, like this clip, from "mortal kombat 4." >> wait, this is brutality. >> you can't do it adjustment. >> wrong, derrick. this is not a brutality. this is a fatality. >> i stand corrected! i think-- i'm wrong, actually. s that was actually a deleted seen from "batman v.super man dawn of justice." comedians, i'll show you an awful video game cut scene and for 250 points, you answer a follow-up question. first up, how about this heart stopping clip from "mortal kombat mythologies: sub zero"? >> you don't understand. ( laughter ) >> chris: well! well, then! oh, i'm sorry, i did i interrupt?
comedians, who is this guy? sam. >> archbishop harvey keitel. >> chris: janelle james. >> mike pence. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: mike lawrence. >> that's actually shinauck, the sorcerer who wants to take over apt world. you don't know that. >> chris: points. i knew we were going to get the actual answer. >> next the dark underbelly of "l.a. noire." >> you sure you won't be upset? >> finally, ferdinand. >> i was kissing her. >> chris: as this man's lawyer, defend him against these allegations of corpse kissing. janelle. >> who in this courtroom can
onlily say they've never ( bleep ) a corpse. anybody? that's what i thought. that's what i thought. >> chris: she got us on a technicality. mike. >> my client is originally from florida. i rest my case. >> i can't remember, mike, where are you from? >> that's how he knows. >> she was like that when i got there. >> chris: point. >> chris: next up, r.p.g.s are known for their dense stories, as seen in this cut scene from "infinite undiscovery." >> let's go now. i'm really hungry. >> dinner! dinner! dinner! dinner! >> chris: they sound like a french ambulance. ( laughter )
>> chris: dinner! dinner! dinner! dinner! who's the final boss in this game? janelle. >> i'm going to say kevin hart because he's in everything. >> chris: points. >> chris: next, everyone knows mario kart, mario tennis, and dr. mario, but did you know our favorite plumber once had a 90s cd-rom game called "hotel mario?" ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) obviously off to go (bleep). what kind of freaky (bleep) are they into? mike lawrence. >> i'm sticking my finger in luigi's ass, and when he turns around i go, "it's me, mario." ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: janelle. >> two brothers, one cook. >> chris: yeah, point.
very good. >> chris: finally, an old sega cd game called "wild woody." i'm just gonna let this one play. >> whoa, big fella! you got a name lead head. >> call me woody. >> wild woody! comedians, what the (bleep) did we just watch? sam. >> where woody allen's daughter describes to her therapist. >> chris: all right, point. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: that's the end of "(bleep) lame butt scenes." it's time for our live challenge, halo? if you've ever played a video game-- or "v.g." as the kids definitely don't call them-- you probably have a ton of
super-specific questions about how the game was developed, right? well, now there's a site called callvention, where you can talk to an actual game designer at his or her very own desk, while you sit there in your very own underpants. for three bucks, you can ask your favorite developers anything you want, from what code they use to whatever happened to that julia stiles? for instance, i loved "turok the dinosaur hunter" because my pappy and i used to hunt dinosaurs when i was growing up on skull island. so i want to talk to a "turok the dinosaur hunter" guy! how about the legendary marc schaefgen? he's the guy here. wait a minute. that's not marc schaefgen, that's slash! oh, that's slash's brother, slush. ( laughter ) comedians, i want you to tell me something i might hear if i call the game developer chat line. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. @newwombat, @wieneraaron, and @jennabelle.
>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i told you about callvention, a site that lets you talk to your favorite video game developers for $3 per minute like they were milfs in your area, and i asked you to tell me what you might hear if you called them. let's see what you came up with. mike lawrence, let's start with you. >> really rough dealing with my manic depression working at
kanami. my life goes up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. >> chris: well played. ( applause ) mike lawrence. the infamous can konami code. >> welcome to the video game chat line, if you want to speak with the developer press 1. if you want to speak with the programmer, press 2. if this is mike lawrence, put down the controller and take a shower and stop trying to look like santa if he was addicted to bath salts. >> chris: janelle. >> what's up, it's me? the creator of teterous. it looks like i've got a tight deep hole and the only thing that will fill it is your long straight piece. >> chris: 1,000 for janelle, 500 for mike. it's time for "to hashtag and to hold." every wedding these days needs a clever hashtag. it's the easiest way to organize all your pictures in one place to make your ex-boyfriend sad.
but if you find that coming up with your own is just too difficult, you can now pay someone to do it for you! for just $40 dollars, 40 simple dollars-- happilyeverhashtagged.com will come up with the perfect hashtag to make your special day uniquely obnoxious, like this one, for newlyweds katie gaston and connor dougherty is #katiesaysidougherty. well, at least they can reuse that format when #katiesaysdoughvorce. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i can't believe people are paying $40 for that. just choose the lazy option and mash your last names together like these two assholeses. oh, that's me and my wife. comedians, how hard can this be? i'm going to show you a stock photo of a soon-to-be married couple, and i want you to tell me what their wedding hashtag would be. first up, this happy couple. >> guess which ethnicity we adopt? >> chris: points.
next up, these sullen sweethearts. >> tim burton presents a divorce. >> chris: next one, these cowpokes. janelle. >> #trumpwon. >> chris: points. next one, these two are making quite the flash. janelle. >> last time she'll be wet. ( laughter ) >> chris: next one, these biking sweethearts. mike lawrence. >> benny and jew. >> chris: points. ( laughter ) very good. last one, this fun couple. sam. >> ebony and elderly. >> chris: yes, points. >> chris: that's the end of "to hashtag and to hold." sam morril you are in third place and we have to eliminate you, so sorry. during the hol days, too. do you have any last words? >> i don't. i thought i was going to win. >> chris: very confident.
we will now bathe you in red light. >> chris: that means it's time to bawitdaba, it's "for the win"! ( cheers and applause ) it seems like every celebrity has gotten political these days, which is why dirt-caked rap-rocker kid rock, the genie who came out of a bottle of malt liquor, just released a line of pro-trump merchandise due to, quote "overwhelming demand." ( laughter ) available designs include: "god, guns, and trump," "make america badass again," "...and onald trump. the "d" is missing because it's in every hater's mouth." >> audience: oooh! >> chris: i know exactly what you're upset about right. what about the other "d" at the end of donald? that doesn't make sense. and how could a single "d" be in every hater's mouth at once? i've found some logic flaws in
♪ you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answers out
loud. the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you about the conservative merchandise kid rock is now selling in his online store. i asked you to come up with your own kid rock political t-shirt. let's see what you wrote. >> choose life because nothing you produce will be worse than kid rock. hooive always be raw dogin'. ( cheers and applause ) number two: i like my vaginas like i like my eagles-- bald. ( cheers and applause ) number two. two is number two. janelle james you have won the internet! congratulations. nice to see you, mike lawrence. well done. jasnell and @wieneraaron have won the internet. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be mamrie hart, jon gabrus and joe randazzo. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #holidaypickuplines and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams.