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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  December 8, 2016 2:07am-2:36am PST

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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. here it is. your moment of zen. >> cheese dip can be served on a
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ritz cracker or with one of those tiny vienna sauce annuals. caseo is made to be scooped up with tortilla chips dribbling down your chin and on to your shir comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: 29 mines until tied night midnight. here is the thing russ expected to have a opinion, time magazine president of the clear is our president of collected donald trump. now he's an '80s movie villain, you guy, an '80s movie villain, is he the one who whatever that story is he keeps the nerds from accomplishing whatever thing is, and then they got to in the end teach him a lesson. is he like-- thras' him. now do if you are not a trmp fan the title goes to someone who is influential, not someone necessarily the greatest person ever. if that was the case, every year
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would just go to the rock. i mean he's the greatest person ever. i mean every-- why don't they just-- do that. (applause) to help keep things in perspective here is what a wries man once swayed on tbitder. the time magazine list of the 100 most influential people is a joke and a stunt of a magazine that will like newsweek soon be dead, bad list who said that again, oh, right, time magazine's 2016 man of the year, donald trump. soo comedians what other list is donald trump consider to be bad. joe randazzo. >> list of the 2.8 million move people who actually voted for hillary clinton in the election than him. >> chris: all right. points for that. mamrie. >> the waiting list for new slovennian wife. >> chris: points. who wants to be the second first lady. jon gabrus. schindler's also, not the movie but the actual list.
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>> chris: okay, points for that. but next up, stack attack. you know how it goes are you with your boys debating modern fem nism, deconstructing toxic masculinity with your pussy the most expensive meal you'll ever eat [bleep] shirt. when you get tuck erred out, you fleed to take a quick snooze to decompress from all the mental energy are you throwing around but your boys want you to be a hit on twitter which means turning your slumber into a humiliating series of photos and videos, which will be stacked on the sleepily man, a a tray of juice, b a live bearded dragon, c, a suitcase, a keyboard and a water jug. joe. >> i would like to see, because i also use this as a term for the female again talia, a live
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bearded dragon. >> chris: a live bearded dragon. that's interesting. >> i will go for a tray of juice. >> i call it it a water jug. >> chris: all right, surprise, everyone t is all of nem. it's all of those things. let's watch that play out. it's like jenga but with neck trauma. i feel like this is a fun trend, that's starting. so what could this challenge be called? mamrie. >> this will serve him right for borrowing my grandma's shirt without asking. >> chris: pointings. joe. >> i call that weekend at bernie mac. >> chris: all right. okay. give you poipts more that. next up blow the man down.
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breitbart the news source for your sunburned uncle who says aye-rab, most inflammatory and dishonest stories, they finally pissed off the wrong person with their article global temperatures plunge, isley climate from climate alarmists, kait parker supported the false-- shall parker responded in a weather channel rant straight out of w-we monday night raw, take it away. >> science doesn't care about your opinion. cherry picking and twisting the facts will not change the future nor the stats, note fact, not opinion, that the earth is warming. next time are you thinking about publishing a cherry picked article, try consulting a scientist first. >> chris: cold snap. >> somebody's craving cherries. >> chris: comedians what is another smackdown we might see from the weather channel. mamrie. >> hey, disco quit saying it is raining men when some of us are in a draught. >> chris: points. >> you're in a drought, mamrie.
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>> yeah. >> i predict two to three inches in your future. (laughter). >> chris: next up, trending trip center. it can sure be condition tuesdaying to see certain words or phrases trending with zero context. twitterrate matt silman twitted out the top iteming on trending topics was simply pubic hair. 6.3,000 people gabbing about pubes. right over there above red sox third baidman pab ro sandoval or pubo sandoval, see you got your major league here and over here your bush league. so comedians,-- plaws plaws why was pubic hair trend on facebook. mamrie. >> someone finally hacked into my icloud. >> chris: points.
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randazzo. >> trump named it ambassador to brazil. (laughter) (applause). >> chris: point, jon gabrus. >> you'll find the answer right here on december nuts. >> chris: now we need an opening credit to play. i just want to make take a moment to celebrate two guys who never get credit on the show. our warmup guys who-- (applause) thank you guys. no pubic hair. >> chris: no pubic hair. (laughter) that is the end of rapid refresh, let's check the scoreboards 400 host of the high and mighty pod cast, jon gabrus is on the program. and with 5 4u7b points host of
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you deserve a drink, mamrie hart is back on this show. and with 600 points author of funny on purpose this is a book that is available wherever books are sold, joe randazzo. (applause) and now all of our sweaters have been adjusted properly it is time to begin tonight's hashtag war. bill gates father of clippy the [bleep] subbing paper clip-- sucking paper clip, has fallen on a a lot of hard times since they forcibly retired him. his lack of money, bill gates has lots of money which apparently he uses to buy lots and lots of books, he just released his best books of 2016 and it is just as exidentitying
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as that sweater implies. >> his shirt underneath it says pussy the most-- . >> chris: right, pussy, the most expensive meal, but can i afford it. she guys the trawl rich are just regular folks, they read whatever they can reach on their toilet too, that is why tonight's hashtag is rich books, examples might be green caviar and ham or the even greater gatsby. i will put 60 seconds, begin. >> crime and no punishment. >> chris: points. jon. >> lord of the diamond rings fellowship of the this ain't no jared rick. >> chris: points. mamrie. >> one fish two fish red fish what the [bleep] i ordered uni. >> chris: joe randazzo. >> the art of war profittity earring. >> chris: points. jon gabrus. >> girl on the train bitching about how her beamer is in the
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shop. >> chris: points, joe. >> alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad labor practices. >> chris: points. mamrie. >> 12 angry maids. >> chris: points. randazzo. >> the joy of sex in weird goat masks. (laughter). >> chris: points. mamrie. >> the grapes of wrait that turns into a oakley merlot. >> chris: gabrus. >> 50 shainds of kylie lip kit. >> chris: points. very good. that brings us to the end of your hashtag war, send us yours to keep the game going. we'll be back with more "@midnight." >> our tweet of day from last night's hashtag war was sent by@misstamerica 30. or mistamerica 30 or mistamerica or mistamerica 30 or mistamerica 30, well
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that have been trusted for generations. give them craftsman tools. (applause). >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play draw me like one of your alleged-- did you know there say guinness record for moses successful police screch artist. lo is gibson seen here during the fran desher cosplay festival, had sketches of 1300 arrests, it is true. for instance, this drawing that our warmup guys left here, allege lead to the arrest of-- it is now behind bars, where it belongs, off the street. >> can i see that. >> yeah. >> yeah. all right, imagine. >> that's about right. two to three.
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>> a lit little bit more in the two colume than the three colume. not all police sketch artists are as successful. i will show you a horrific police sketch and for 250 points i want you to tell me what crime you think the person in it as been accused of. first up, what did this guy-- allegedly do joe. >> impersonating a police horse. >> chris: yes, points. i think they just found real life hank hill. i think that's all that happened. next up, this guy. >> joe. >> murdering his roommate butter. bsh-- burt. >> chris: points. i should have laughed like this. did it again.
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mamrie. >> traded his eyebrows for met. >> chris: yeah, points. >> his lip is sealed. >> chris: you don't got any moneyk how about them eyebrows. >> kre on trend. >> chris: gabrus. >> growing a beard and competing against mamrie and joe on "@midnight." >> chris: okay, points. yes. very close. next up, this duffus doofus. mamrie. >> impersonated a bailive specifically bull from night court. >> chris: yes, points. jon gabrus. >> giching a nonconsent all vulcan nerve pinch. >> chris: points. >> noncon sen all. >> chris: i'm curious what vulcan neck pimples are con sen all. >> come with me to comic-con.
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>> chris: okay, all right. next one, what did this 3er7b do? >> this is helpful this is what they look like from the side when they are thinking. joe. >> throwing mama from the train. >> chris: yes, points. >> do it. >> chris: pam mary. >> stole a zoe deschanel wig near area 51. >> get out of there. >> i am not an alien, i am on the new girl. >> quirky. >> chris: finally what do you think of this person's crime. what do you think they did? >> mamrie. >> trolling me on twitter. >> chris: yes, points gabrus. >> getting too close to an angry chimpanzee. you can't see it but it is-- .
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>> gon. >> out of here. >> chris: points, randazzo. >> failing to face his accuser. >> hey, a very nicely done. >> you need a top hat. >> you need to tip your hat up. >> that is the end of draw me like one of your alleged car thieves, time for the live challenge. commercial air travel is frawt with stress, price gowjing, rude employee, ass hole fellow traveler, loud lab baby, how many times have you been in an airplane bathroom and thought i wonder how this could smell worse. well, good news, introducing air dates so called tinder for air travel designed to help couples hookup in the air and at their destinations. that's right. mid air sex is no longer just for mating birds and john travolta. (laughter) >> i love vajet. >> you go to fly og your vajet,
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right? >> come on. >> with your tray table and penis in the full upright position. va-jet. would you like some more nuts? >> chris: a hundred points to randazzo for that. the c.e.o. of the company developing air dateds claims a plane is quote the safest place to have a date, unless of course it goes poorly at which point you have to awkwardly sit in silence next to the person you are were trying to hookup with and then are you in tampa. one way or another are you going to get [bleep]. so comediansk i would like you to give me another line you might use on this tinder for air travel app, we'll get your answers after the break and be back with more "@midnight".
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>> welcome back to@mid night. before the break i told but air dates, the new app that helps airline passengers hookup. i asked to you give me a pickup line you might use on the tinder for air travel app, let's see what you wrote, let's start with you. >> hey sweet 22b, i smuggled over 3 ounces of liquid on to the plane. indeed not! come get some. america. america [bleep] yeah. >> wow. hi, i'm mamrie, i love long walks, romantic dig dins ares and i will jerk you off under the blanket to the latest kevin hart movie. >> chris: all right. joe randazzo. >> hey, what's up. i'm in 11a, you're in 12a right behind me,ity's suck your [bleep] in the lavatory if you stop [bleep] kicking my seat. >> chris: all right, i will give thousand to mamrie, 500 each to joe and john as we go to
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our next game, almost infamous. almost infamous. on this day in 1941 japan launched a sneak attack against an american naval base at pearl harbor which tragically lead to the michael bay film pearl harbor. in the aftermath president franklin del ano roosevelt famously proclaimed december 79, 1941 a date which will live in infamy. not every day is as infamous as this one so i want to you come up with as many dates did -- within july 4th a date which will scare the bleep bleap out of dogs. >> chris: points. >> the day after thanksgiving when my uncle backtracks aka i love black friday. >> chris: points. jon. >> january 3 1s, 1982, the day my mom's vagina was ruined by this head. >> chris: points. mamrie. >> april 1st, a date can i
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say i'm pregnant without violently crying. >> chris: points. joe. >> february 1st, a day which starts the hardest [bleep] montd to pronounce. >> chris: points. jon? >> january 1st, the day i start my 35th date. >> chris: points. that is the end of almost infamous. i see jon, i'm sorry are you in third place and we must eliminate you and are you delightful cardigan sweater. do you have any last words before we fire you off into the cosmos. >> thank you for having me. you will never see me again and as always,-- . >> chris: oh, wow, now we have to have you back. red light. all right. that means it's time to get on her majesty secret santa. it's for the win. next friday the u.k. will celebrate christmas jumper day a
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tradition started by the nonprofit save the children where brits put on ugly christmas sweaters and give to the charity. even mad am tuesday odds in london is getting in on the fun by outfitting the royal family in ugly sweaters to support the cause. the way it works, you pledge to donate one pound and wear an ugly sweater to acknowledge that you supported save the children. so as you can see here, the whole royal family is in on the gag right here you got prince harry, prince william, princess kate, j edgar hoover, magneto, die an sawyer, dobie. house evil and the royal corgis,-- salacious crumpet, everyone is in on it it. everyone is in on it. this picture is amazing. i propose they make this the royal christmas card. comedians, let's help out the seasonal sovereigns, i want to you give me the christmas message that goes along with this royal card. we'll get your answers after the break. right back with more "@midnight"
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