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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  December 13, 2016 2:07am-2:36am PST

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they look like this.
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conversation with soon-to-be former tenant of the white house. i've got one more question for you. this is a personal question, it's a little bit selfish. i look up to you because we share a lot in common. we both have parents who are black and white, both half african, southside of chicago, southside of africa. >> similar. >> trevor: in and around race -- >> yeah. >> trevor: -- when you are a person who has a platform -- >> right. >> trevor: -- where you are in a space where you are engaging with people, it is often difficult to navigate and skirt that line between speaking your mind and sharing your true opinions on race whilst, at the same time, not being seen to alienate some of the people you are talking to, you know, because if you are a white person speaking about race, you
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are just a person interested in race. if you are a person of color speaking about it, it's, oh, the black thing again. so the question i've always wanted to know is how did you navigate that? because we watched you do it but i always wanted to know how you navigated that through your two terms. >> you know, my general theory is that, if i was clear in my own mind about who i was, comfortable in my own skin, and had clarity about the way in which race continues to be this powerful factor in so many elements of our lives, but that it is not the only factor in so many aspects of our lives, that we have, by no means overcome the legacies of slavery and jim
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crow and colonialism and racism, but that the progress we've made has been real and extraordinary, if i'm communicating my genuine belief that those who are not subject to racism can sometimes have blind spots or lack of appreciation of what it feels to be on the receiving end of that, but that doesn't mean that they're not open to learning and caring about equality and justice and that i can win them over because there is goodness in the majority of people. i always felt that if i really knew that and i just communicated it as clearly as i could, that i would be okay.
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another way of saying this is there has not been a time in my public life or presidency where i feel as if i had to bite my tongue. there have been times in my public life where i've said, how do i say this diplomatically? how do i say this, as you indicated, in a way that it's received. >> trevor: yes. >> so there have been very few instances where i've said, well, that was racist, you are racist. there have been times where i've said, you know, you might not have taken into account the ongoing legacy of racism in why we have so many black men incarcerated. and since i know that you believe in the constitution and
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believe in justice and believe in liberty, how about if we try this -- now, some might say you're not speaking fully truth to power because of that diplomacy. >> trevor: yes. >> but i don't think that trying to appeal to the better of our nature as lincoln put it is somehow compromised. there may be times where you just have to call things out and name names, but the challenge we face today, when it comes to race, is rarely the overt klansman style racism and typically has more to do with the fact that, you know, people
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eve got other stuff they want to talk about and it's sort of uncomfortable, and it's somebody not getting called back for an interview, although it's never explicit, or it's, you know, who gets the tv acting job, the actress who doesn't quite look the part and what does that mean. in that environment where you're not talking necessarily about cut-and dried racist behavior but rather about the complex ways in which society is working these issues through, you know, trying to reach folks in ways that they can hear, i think, is important. and i would add everybody's got a different role to play.
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if chris rock's doing standup, then there is a benefit to him doing something that is different from the president of the united states doing something. for one thing, you know, he doesn't have to edit his language quite as carefully because i am still subject to, you know, some restraints -- >> trevor: you vile have your last few days. >> those seven words george carlin talked about, i can't use those, as a general proposition because a lot of children are watching. i try to comport myself in a way that my mother would approve of. >> trevor: well, i just want to say thank you so much for being on the show. thank you for being an inspiration and, most importantly, thank you for giving me an opportunity to see what i would look like after eight years of the toughest job in the world. >> you know, i will say that i
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resent how young and good looking you are because i used to think of myself in those terms, and it's been downhill for quite some time. >> trevor: thank you, sir. >> thank you, man. >> trevor: thank you very much. >> appreciate it. moment of zen: here's the real
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tough question. what's' the deal with gitmo, yo? i'm going to show roy. you guys edit it out and make it
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[cheers and applause]and make it >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. here's everything online worth getting hacked by the russians today. uber just released a controversial new set of community guidelines that emphatically clarify... no sex in ubers. at all! [booing] >> chris: boober. [laughing] >> chris: no sex in ubers. not even with the drivers! how are passengers supposed to control themselves? personally, i find nothing sexier than being in the back of a dirty prius and nodding politely while hearing about someone's band that's about to take off. i see this as a challenge. comedians, what's a line you could use on an uber driver to make them break their no sex oath? >> i'll give you a tip for your tip. >> chris: alright. points. >> i would say, hey this water bottle doesn't fit in the cup
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holder. when he turns around it is sticking out my butt. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> i moe it's not allowed but would you like to have sex with me. >> chris: alright. points. points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: do you want five stars or not? i will give you 69 stars. >> you said uber x. [laughing] >> chris: a hundred extra points for james. >> chris: next up, christmas scatalog. struggling to find a christmas gift for the insufferable a-hole in your life? well, fret no more! gwyneth paltrow, the tesla driver's martha stewart, has released goop's holiday shopping guide, and just by existing, it's given trump's more electoral votes. [laughing] goop calls it their "ridiculo, but awesome gift guide," and it's certainly one of those two things. comedians, which of these actual items from the goop gift guide
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is the most expensive? a) a 20 foot yurt b) a porcelain banana. c) a pelvic floor exercise tracker. d) a leather bicycle >> chris: by the way all of those are for [beep] james. >> think it's the leather bicycle. it's probably grass fed leather. [laughing] >> that's expensive. chris: that sounds like a good guess but the yurt is the most expensive, at just north of $8k, so if you're doing -- it's sold out. ahhh. sorry, kyle and briana you have to settle for two playstation 4s instead. the holiday sweater -- i'm
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rocking it today. my second choice. i couldn't find a smurf orgy sweater. if you have one send it to me. next, walk for what? we're right in the middle of holiday parade season-- which always leads to that age old debate-- parades, a complete waste of time? or an elaborate excuse today drink. i guess parade. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: one of our writers, jordan morris pointed out it looked like the panda had lap dance surgery and didn't get all of the extra skin.
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comedians, please answer the question posed by twitter user, @hotgamersex, "yo what the (/ bleep/ ) is this (/ bleep/ )" morgan murphy. >> i think that's purge day for registered sex offenders. >> chris: points for that. [laughing] >> chris: jay. >> a heart warming corporate intellectual properties parade. >> chris: points. no more sex in the ubers. >> chris: next up tinder loving care. a woman from wesleyan university set reddit on fire with screenshots of her tinder profile, which shows her taking a selfie with an unwitting companion. comedians, what is in her profile picture? a dog orgy or a mid poop santa claus. >> dog orgy. chris: what do you think it
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is? >> dog orgy. chris: alright. just got a window into your souls. a little window into your souls. for those who said mid poop santa sorry it's the dog orgy. >> yes! yes! >> chris: if you want to know what the bummed out dog in the middle feels like smash this lipstick into your forehead. [laughing] >> chris: heat is up a little bit and mush it in. >> gross. chris: i'm sorry to this guy's mom in the front row. thankfully there is another angle. another angle. >> a tail. chris: tail action. >> what -- chris: they're tailing. it's a tailgate party. a tailgate party. that's what this is.
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dogs, take this back to the yurt. we have a show here. [laughing] >> chris: rapid refresh. now let's check in with the scoreboards. with 200 points his new hour special "spatial" is streaming now on netflix, it's reggie watts. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 400 points his album "trump vs. bernie: live from brooklyn" is available on digital and vinyl, it's james adomian. [cheers and applause] >> chris: also with 400 points performing at the comedy store in los angeles december 16, it's morgan murphy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. have you ever listened to a rap song and thought, "boy, i wonder
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what this tastes like?" if so, you're probably having a stroke. either way, why not try rap snacks! featuring flavors like migos' "sour cream with a dab of ranch" fetty wap's "honey jalapeno." mmm, tastes just like fetty wap. well we're gonna join in on the rap snack trend with tonight's hashtag #hiphopfoods. examples maybe corn doggy dog. [laughing] >> wow. chris: i -- i want to agree with the 60 percent of you who didn't respond to that. and j. coleslaw. >> mackerel more. chris: yes. >> two live crouton. chris: reggie. >> shawn honey combs. chris: morgan. >> ba nan-nas. chris: points. james. >> entree 3000. chris: morgan murphy. >> straight out of compote.
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>> the pune tang clan. >> a tribe called kaoefp. >> lewd a chris. >> hendrick lamarshmallow. >> jurassic five guys. >> little kim chi. >> rice cube. >> ll cool ranch doritos. [laughing] >> chris: james. >> slim jim shady. chris: points. reggie. >> grill i am. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #hiphopfoods and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to u by: thank to everyone who
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participated together with office christmas party we raised $30,000 for st. jude children's hospital. really well done! ♪ you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit. (vo) it's the holidays at verizon, and the best deals are on the best network. with no surprise overages, you can use your data worry free and even carry over the data you don't use. and right now get four lines and 20 gigs for only $40 per line. you'll even get the samsung galaxy s7, the pixel phone by google, or the motoz droid for only $10 per month. hurry, these offers end soon. get the best deals
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and the best network, only on verizon. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play light supremacy. every december, neighbors all over the country get out their christmas lights out doing each other. it's what you want with power
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strips. and there are photos of these retina-burning holiday hellholes all over the web. comedians, i'm gonna show you some bad christmas lights and for 250 points i want you to answer a few questions about them. why are you nervous? you shouldn't be nervous. let's get starting. i do seem nervous. let's start with the lights that remained me of something, i can't quite -- [laughing] >> chris: reggie. what is going on here? >> if -- if you build it, it will come. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very good. from field of creams. james. >> clearly the happiest end of the year. >> chris: morgan. >> celebrating that special time of year when your dick gets infected. >> chris: oh, boy, i am appalled. here we are doing a family christmas show. all you saw was side show bob.
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i can't believe -- you had to take it down into the pants. >> chris: next here comes santa claus. and before we start this one, keep your eye on the angel. alright. [cheers and applause] what's a christmas carol you might sing about this tableau? james. >> the little hummer boy. chris: i blew him his horn for him. >> chris: please don't neglect -- >> rum pum pum. chris: morgan murphy. >> silent night. if you tell your parents i will kill them. [laughing] >> chris: points. next one. here is ol ' piss kringle.
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there he is. what is santa celebrating, morgan murphy. >> getting off a nine hour flight. >> chris: points. yes. [cheers and applause] >> i would. chris: next up this noel hell. oh, jesus christ. a lot of yard displays have a theme. what's the theme of this yard display? james. >> it looks like we have lost the water on christmas. >> chris: morgan? >> trump's holiday internment camp. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, the morning after christmas when everybody is drained. what happened here? reggie? >> it looks like a bunch of inflatable christmas ornaments
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got deflated. >> chris: points. a little unclear. morgan. >> it's a little funnier then reggie's. [laughing] >> it's santa claus is coming to jones town. >> chris: points. very good. very good. >> chris: that's the end of light supremacy. it's time for our live challenge, booker t., washington insider. ever since americans voted to let the only slot machine owner who's ever lost money sit at abraham lincoln's desk, th bar for being a -- be a qualified politician has plummeted, take these two big announcements over the weekend. first, italy's ambassador to new jersey, joe piscopo says he's seriously considering a run for governor of the garden state, and on saturday, professional wrestler booker t launched his campaign for mayor of houston. fun fact: if he wins, he'd be the first pro wrestler to become
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mayor of a major american city, and the first mayor of houston who's been convicted of robbing a wendy's at gunpoint. look it up. unfortunately there's no video of booker t's announcement, but there is plenty of video of him pretending to get his ass kicked in a grocery store, so let's just watch that: [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> i'm surprised he didn't get a couple of beers. >> chris: i am watching that thinking, that's the cleanest i have even a albertsons. comedians, over the break i'd like you to give me a line from a political stump speech for a professional wrestler. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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hi, we're the hulford quads. (laughter) we're in 8th grade. technology is the only thing that really entertains us. i'm gonna use this picture on sketchbook, and i'm going to draw mustaches on you all. using the pen instead of fingers, it just feels more comfortable for me. be like, boop! it's gone. i like that only i can get into it and that it recognizes my fingerprint. our old tablet couldn't do that. it kind of makes you feel like you're your own person, which is a rare opportunity in my family. (laughter)
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