tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central December 14, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST
[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, and 14,429 minutes 'til christmas. well, it's mid december now right now santas everywhere are putting in overtime. seems like a pretty sweet gig, right? i mean, you get peed on in a mall, you get to dress up like albino zach galifianakis, you get exposed to hundreds of strains of communicable poxes. but it's not all fun and games! you guys, being a santa takes literally days of preparation as we learned from this cnn money story about santa university. >> santa university. the training camp in colorado. professional santas come to hone their craft. [laughing] >> chris: i'm actually not sure where the footage came from. that could be santa university or it could be galdalf tech.
i'm not a hundred percent sure. heck, it might be god's fire department. it might even be the hell's angels retirement home. we may never know. the four-day intensive santa university is just like trump university, except when they talk about "slipping a roofie" they mean falling off someone's house. you know, i think i can beat that. santa university is a lot like trump university except that santa university is for santas whereas trump university is for idiots. that was a little harsh. that was harsh. let me start that joke over. santa university is a lot like trump university except that the students at santa university looked homeless before they signed up. that's not bad. [ applause ] >> chris: appreciate that. it's the holidays i'm feeling greedy going to take another crack at it santa university is a lot like trump university except that at least you can use the ( bleep ) you learn at santa university one day of the year. what i'm trying to say is, santa university is basically the opposite of trump university in that with santa university, the guy they named it after is fake but the university is real.
comedians, assuming this is santa university what's the name of the lecture given during this shot. nick? >> how to stay sober for one month a year. >> chris: points. and by the way i think that month is february. milana. >> the advance physics of skipping over jewish households. >> chris: points. aparna. >> you both ended up in the same kid's house. >> chris: yes, points. very good. >> chris: it's time to play "miracle on 69th street." for every "elf" or "it's a wonderful life," there's an abandoned blockbuster's worth of bizarre christmas movies that never became classics. i'm going to show you a seasonal cinematic disaster, and you're going to have to answer a question about it. first up a sinister warning about silent night deadly night. >> what but, boy. you been good all year?
>> you better run, boy. you better run, for your life. [laughing] >> chris: ahhh, that kid is a dick. come on, he was asking for it comedians what's another warning this old timer gave to his grandson. milana? >> your sister is adopted so it's cool to watch her shower. [laughing] >> chris: points. aparna. >> appreciate your balls while you're in your prime. [laughing] >> my my age they look like a tube sock full of eggs. >> chris: points. appreciate. it sounds like -- it sounds like a british like an american,
don't neglect your balls. in england, appreciate your balls. >> an acquired taste. chris: appreciate the balls and cherish the staff. >> chris: next up a russian movie about jack frost suggests christmas maybe very different in russia. >[laughing] chris: so, a bear man talks to a elf and a cat man rides on a pig sled. what else happens in christmas. nick. >> they open all of the ukrainian childrens presents.
>> chris: points. milana. >> as someone from a soviet state i can speak to this. first my mom makes a beautiful meal. then a cat rides in on a sleigh. gets mad at her and we wait for it to sober up. >> chris: points. very good. finally here is harrison ford not looking nuts about appearing in the 1978 star wars holiday special. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: comedians, in the rest of the "star wars" move he's you never see chewbacca's family. what happened to them? milana. >> they shaved and joined the insane clown posse. >> chris: yes everything that chewy tkpwrubts out translates
to [beep] nick. >> they are alive and well. they have a show on e called "keeping up with the car dashians." [cheers and applause] >> chris: well done. >> ahhh. chris: chewbacca is spelled with ks. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "miracle on 69th street." it's sweater week. this is warm and cozy and perfect to let everyone know you're batman. i'm wearing green lantern [beep]. yes manifests to a lot of stuff. >> prove it. prove it. >> i can -- chris: ya, the ripping fell off. it's cold in here guys. what do you want. [laughing] let's check the scoreboards. with 700 points her stand-up album, "just putting it out there," is available on itunes
and amazon, it's aparna nancherla. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 600 points, his new hour special, "nick thune: good guy," premieres december 22 on seeso, it's nick thune. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 700 points from "this is us," tuesdays on nbc, it's milana vayntrub. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." [cheers and applause] christmas is a delicate thing. if one little thing goes wrong, it's ruined. mom buys the wrong version of "madden" for little jimmy, ruined. christmas is ruined. the dog bumps the advent candle onto your sleeping uncle ruined. christmas is ruined. turducken full of brazilian wandering spiders, christmas is ruined! that's why tonight's hashtag is #onewordoffchristmas.
examples: "frosty the lawnmower man" and "santa claus is coming too fast." i'm putting 60 seconds on the -- i'm putting -- just give me 11 more months. 10 seconds on the clock. begin. milana vayntrub. >> he sees you when you're pooping. >> chris: nick. >> i saw mommy kissing dad. they have a good marriage. >> chris: nick. >> grandma got ran over by grandpa. >> chris: points. al ar that. >> it's beginning to lock a lot like lieu piss. >> chris: aparna. >> jingle balls. chris: points. nick. >> rudolph the red nose guiliani. >> chris: milan aeufrpblgts how the grinch stole the white house. >> chris: points. nick. >> cosby the snow man. hris: yes, points.
milana. >> falafalafala la fart. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #onewordoffchristmas and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @wieneraaron. nice weiner aaron.
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>> chris: whatever there was no one else by the mistletoe. i was honoring the tradition alone. welcome back to "@midnight." to celebrate christmas, we were trying to book santa, but he's at book soup doing a signing for his new coffee table book of tasteful elf nudes. luckily, we were able to get his austrian counterpart. he appears at homes and hovels all over europe, and his biopic "krampus" has 67% on rotten tomatoes. all the way from the teutonic forests of middle europe, krampus, everyone! [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] >> hi, chris. your audience probably doesn't recognize me because americans aren't aware of anybody's traditions but their own! >> chris: ya, what an authentic austrian accent you have. so why are you here, krampus? >> it's 2016 now, chris. almost 2017. santa claus is on the way out. too old, too jolly. it makes you wonder, what's he hiding? he's crooked. crooked santa! >> chris: alright you're saying santa clause is corrupt? >> yes! he's too nice. he rewards children for being good, and that's not what real americans just voted for.
americans don't want children rewarded, they want them punished. punished with bundles of sticks! that's where i come in. every year, i go around to peoples' homes and thrash kids with sticks. that's my thing! it's what i do. [ applause ] >> isn't that what christmas is all about, chris? thrashing children with bundles of sticks? >> chris: i don't know, krampus. comedians, what is christmas all about? milana. >> the tharbing of children with bundles of sticks. cris>> point for that. nick. >> my uncle rod taking too many creepy close up pictures of my wife. >> chris: points. no offense, krampus. you are obsessed with trashing
children with the bundles of sticks. why? >> it's practical. think about the money you save on toys. you boy a hatchable $60 or 70s i don't know. i don't go to toy stores i'm a grown man. i send my assistant michelle to the toy store for me. >> chris: okay. >> you give the toy to your kid. they scream because of your sulfur breath. wouldn't it be cheaper to buy one bundle of twigs to use to thrash them. >> chris: if you lay it out that way. >> thank you. >> you could just grab one big stick. >> chris: that is a good point. >> you have a good point. chris: are you so obsessed
with sticks. you can't go around hitting children. >> wrong. chris: no. >> wrong. chris: i'm write. you can't swat kids with sticks. >> hi billy. billy, whack. >> chris: what did billy do? >> whack. chris: why are you hitting fake invisible kids in front of you. comedians, what's a better, modern punishment for a child? aparna. >> giving them gluten. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: milana? >> you take away their pokemon and tell them the divorce is their fault. >> chris: good. listen that's what my parents did. i turned out fine. so what is your point with this krampus >> my point is, santa claus is a cuck! >> chris: what? >> you heard me. tkwaog will it. america needs to upgrade this year to a new christmas guy: me, krampus, the alt-santa!
[cheers and applause] >> i'm going to make christmas great again! i'm going to make christmas great again! [ applause ] >> chris: comedians, there's got to be a better way to make christmas great again than -- how do we do that. milana. >> putting the christ back in. jesus christ this country is [beep] >> chris: points. >> i was going to say swack with the bundle. whatever. >> you want their children thrashed with sticks on christmas? >> not all children, chris. just most children. my elves will start a database to keep track of all the naughty kids and make sure they're all rounded up and sent to camps... >> chris: hey, hey, hey, what are you?
>> you whoa. let me finish. summer camps. >> chris: oh, thank god. >> where they will be sorted according to religion and sexual orientation. >> chris: okay, we're done here. thank you, krampu. [cheers and applause] kreufpl we will be right back with more "@midnight." hershey's miniatures. we pour 'em! we pass 'em! we pick 'em! delicious fun for everyone. hershey's miniatures are mine, yours, our chocolate. ♪ ♪ see ya next year.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "naughty or nice." "he's making a list and checking it twice, going to find out who's naughty or nice." that's the famous lyric from the classic bob dylan song, "santa claus is coming to town." well, my friends, you're old enough to learn the truth: that is a lie! santa's list is just a useful fiction to trick america's children into behaving the other eleven months of the year.
also the tooth fairy's a bunch of horse ( bleep ), too. but a naughty or nice list is a pretty useful way of sorting people. comedians, i'll show you a celebrity, you tell me why they're naughty or nice. first up, taylor swift. nick. >> naughty. chris: why? >> bad tipper, is what i have heard. >> chris: points. next one. how about rick ross. aparna. >> nice, the first rapper to promote body positivity. >> chris: points. next up -- naughty or nice? >> naughty. every time "west world" is on my rumba gets a hard on. >> chris: points. next one. guy fieri. nick. >> he's nice. my family works in the tip frosting business. he's keeping us a float for a while now. >> chris: great. next one. emily ratajkowski. >> nice, work.
>> chris: next up, john travolta. naughty or nice. milana? >> nice if you only focus on grease. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: last one, mrs. claus. >> nice, she helps santa put on his sleep apnea machine. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "naughty or nice." you know what it's the holiday week i'm not eliminating anyone. i'm not eliminating anyone. yesterday i had to eliminate someone. we did rock, paper, stkeusers. that means it's time to say "merry x-machina." it's "for the win!" we're going to wrap up tonight's christmas episode with a little song courtesy of researchers at the university of toronto, who asked a complex artificial intelligence to write an original christmas carol, and
what this robot came up with is truly unsettling -- soon being a classic. ♪ christmas tree ♪ >> chris: i like to imagine there's one robot dad standing up and clapping, like, "great we clap through your kids performances. thank god. i can not tune in my own head. now, this sucks, but it does highlight the fact that most christmas carols are out of date and simply don't reflect the modern world. so comedians, i want you to update a traditional christmas carol for 2016. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] hi, i'm paul.
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give them craftsman tools. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. will decide the winner. before the break, i asked you to update a christmas carol for 2016, and here to sing your answers are the @midnight carolers. let's hear what you came up with. give them ray huge hand. let's hear, let's hear your updated carols. ♪ up on the roof top click click click click, anthony weiner is taking pictures of his dick. >> chris: good. that's number one. very, very contemporary. number two. ♪ joy to the world ♪ my uber is here ♪ let -- receive.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. very good. [cheers and applause] >> chris: kind of makes you wonder why we don't do this every show. this is great. last one. ♪ tinder guide, tinder guide, i'm employed, i drink -- and i don't have -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number three? milana vayntrub, you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night, when our guests will be andy richter, diona reasonover and matt besser. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #onewordoffchristmas and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. god damn it. good night! merry christmas! [cheers and applause]
- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - parents, it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around the country are organizing the young men's catholic retreat. this year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip