tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central March 16, 2021 1:16am-2:00am PDT
- what a stupid voice. - it's okay. the curse has been lifted. - what? - huh? - yeah, we all gotta make sure it doesn't come back. - you see, we've learned something today. swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems. we're all saying the "s" word too much. - kyle. - look, gerald, kyle's on television. - uh-huh. - the knights of standards and practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. - curse words-- they're called that because they are cursed. we have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances. - and besides, so much use of a dirty word takes away from its impact. we believe in free speech and all that, but leaving a few words taboo just adds to the fun of english. - so please, everyone, from now on, you've got to try and watch your language. - yeah. [scattered applause] - yeah. - it makes sense. - got that right. - is this still part of the show? - we're sorry, noble knights of standards and practices. from now on, we will obey your laws. - see that you do. - i'm very proud of you, children. let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to.
- yeah, and kenny didn't die. - yeah, i didn't-- - holy sh-- poop. - ha, i love you guys. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody, i'm trevor noah and this is the daily social distancing show. as you can see i'm wearing a special hoodie today, this because after wearing a tuxedo at the grammys i had to squeeze myself back into normal hoodie, can't just go cold turkey. i want to say thank you to everyone who tuned in last night, even the haters and the losers. i hope you enjoyed it because i know hi a great time, i danced with cardi b, i emptied doja cat's litter box and i even
joined the b ts army, yeah, they're sending me to iraq, i ship out on friday. anyway on tonight's show, police are causing problems on two continents. jaboukie young-white learns the truth about the covid vaccine and why andrew cuomo might have to update his linkedin. plus the one and only eddie murphy is joining us on the show. so let's do this, people. welcome to the daily social distancing show. >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world. this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. >> let's conduct things off with a story out of oklahoma involving two of america's favorite pass times. basketball and racism. >> high school basketball announcer in oklahoma is blaming his diabetes for a spike in his blood sugar for the racist comments he made during a life stream state basketball player, the players started kneeling during the national anthem and
that is when the announcer matt rowan hurled horrifying racist insults at the norman team that was caught online. >> [bleep] they're kneeling. i hope normal [bleep]. >> he latary poll giezed saying in part and i quote, i suffer type 1 diabetes and during the game my sugar was spiking. while not excusing my remarks, st not unusual that when my sugar spikes that i become disoriented and often say things that are not appropriate as well as hurtful. >> i'm not racist, i just suffer from diabetes. i bet the royal family wishes that they thought of that one. >> i'm so sorry, megan, our blood sugar was spiking that day, and for the past 600 years. but hey, i'm no doctor. maybe diabetes does make you racist. in fact, i hope it does. it would make things so much simpler. lincoln could have ended slavery with a box of granola bars. it does make me wonder, how many close calls this guy has had
before. like were there times where he was running through cbs like in the candy aisle like-- like-- nii-ckleback was s my favorite band, so close. in more sports news cheerleader the only socially acceptable way to stand on other people. if you watch cheer on netflix ten years ago at the ginning of 2020 you know that cheerleading is a supercompetitive sport. but one cheer mom took her competitive spirit a little too far. >> now to that disturbing case involving deepfake videos that are manipulated to make it look like someone did or said something they did not. >> st a troubling new take on cyberbullying. a mom in pennsylvania is accused this morning of using so called deepfakes to anonymously harass members of her daughter's cheerleading team. >> police say 50 year old rafaela spoan digitally altered photos and videos of three members of her daughter's
cheerleading squad depicting them naked, drinking and smoking from a vape pen and sent the images to the girls and their coaches. >> if the essence was to knock them down, essentially to try to shame them or get them knocked off the team, what appeared to be the motivations. >> trevor: wow. that is really impressive. i can't believe this 50 year old mom learned how to make deepfakes. meanwhile your mom had to call you up every time she forgets her paramount plus log in, really, have i to say paramount plus. obviously using deepfakes to bully teenagers is messed i. and not only is it criminal but it can also back fire because you can't trust moms to know what's not cool for teenagers to do. honey, i know you hate trisha so i posted a deepfake of her doing shots with megan thee stallion backstage. >> mom, that's the coolest thing she could do. >> not on a school night. >> and honestly, with the
deepfakes of the teens using vaib pens necessary, you already have them naked and drunk, you don't need to be and they are also vaping. but this is a sign that the future that awaits us with deepfakes is going to be petty as hell. you know people are worried that deepfakes will be used to influence elections. but 90% of them are just going to be people pretending to find mice in their tacos just to get free food. the only solution to this is to never trust any video that you ever see ever again. including this video. i think i'm trevor noah. but there is no way to know for sure. >> let's move on to an update about america's criminal justice system. this weekend the country marked one year since police in louisville, kentucky, killed preeona taylor. while there is still much more work to be done the police have been willing to make at least one change. >> it could soon become a crime to taunt plises officers in kentucky. the ap reports kentucky lawmakers passed the proposal
through the state senate this week. the bill says anyone who taunts, insults or challenges a law enforcement officer would be guilty of a misde mean are and would face up to 90 days in jail plus fines. >> trevor: that's right. 90 days for insument-- insulting a police officer, so whatever you do, don't say to a cop wow, i thought strippers would be in better shape or nice face shield, you look like if a gi joe had sex with a chipotle sneeze guard. >> and don't tell any kentucky police knock knock jokes, you know they don't like knock knock, people are pretty angry about in, but put your is of in position of a police officer in kentucky, you are just doing your job, breaking into someone's job and shooting them in bed and then that person calls you a jerk? it's like hey buddy, i've got feelings too. but obviously there are a lot of problems with this law. first of all any protest gens police could land peaceful protestors in jail. and secondly, if you are married to a cop you basically have to
let them win every single argument. plus you know that now cops are going to try it get people to taunt them just to meet their arrest quoteas, hey, what are you looking at? you see anything funny? huh? >> no. >> you sure? >> huh? now of course it isn't. jonathan: the united states where there are tensions between communities and the police. as we have seen in great britan where women are up in arms. >> there is growing outrage and concern about women's safety in britain after the killing of a woman. >> 33 year old london resident sarah everard was kidnapped and murdered while walking home earlier this month. >> the suspect in connection with sarah everard's kidnap and her death was actually a serving member of the metropolitan police force. >> there was a vigil on the weekend. even kates the dutch he was cambridge made a private advicity to lay flowers. but later on saturday night the police tried to break up the
crowd. the vigil was against lockdown rules. but their heavy-handed tactics and these images have horrified the naitionz. and helped fuel more protests last night. >> stop the police, on our streets. >> take the police off our streets they shouted. >> trevor: okay. what are these cops thinking. getting violent at a vigil over an officer murdering this woman? the only way those cops could have been more tone deaf is if they had mansplained the protest chants back to the women. you can't go around breaking up a vigil trk is by definition the most peaceful of all gatherings. no one says yo, man, you have to come through, this vigil is about to be wild. i swear, the police could avoid so many headaches if they just hired one person whose eanl job is to ask, is this something the good guys would do. that way when the police chief says okays tonight we're going to go to a peaceful vigil and tackle women, then that person
can raise their hand, ask their one question, is this something the good guys would do, and we can avoid this entire situation. and part of the reason people were protesting in the first place is that after sarah everard disappeared, police went door to door telling women to stay home for their own safety. which lead many people to wonder, why don't the police tell the men to stay home since they're the ones going around murdering people. but instead, they're telling women listen, lady, there's men on these streets so you better stay home, yeah. although there could be men in your home too, so you can't stay there either. tell you what, just hover in the air about 10 feet off the ground and that should keep you safe until we decide to do our jobs, love. but let's move on to our main story. andrew cuomo, governor of new york and the only person who wishes it was still 2020. >> a few weeks ago cuomo was hit with sexual harassment accusations from two former staffers. much like coronavirus in new york nursing homes, the
allegations have only been getting worse. >> in recent weeks seven women have accused the governor of sexual misconduct or harassment. the accusation i came from the albany times union which reported a female aide to cuomo alleges the governor aggressively groped her late last year while she was alone with him in his private residents and today new york magazine said it interviewed more than 30 women who have either worked with or interacted with cuomo and found that bullying was a de fining element. >> jessica batheman, a journalist and cuomo hands had been on my body, my armsk my shoulders, the small of my back, my waste. another woman caitlin said she was hired as an aid for her looks and that she was verbally and mentally abused by him and his staff. >> today's new york times says its investigation shows cuomo's office is afflicted with a culture still rooted in the madmen era including an expectation that younger female staffers wear makeup, dresses, and heels because it was rumored
that was what the governor liked. >> trevor: whooo. these allegations are some serious shit. bullying and groping women, a madmen office culture and pushing women to wear dresses and heels? i mean it sounds like cuomo basically thought of himself like a bouncer outside a nightclub. which is convenient for him because that might be his job in a couple of months. and practically every day now there are more and more accusations piling up. it's get sog bad that he's going to have to bring back his power point slides just to track the harassment claims. i mean just in the past couple of weeks we heard about him harassing staffers, journalists, wedding guest, it seems like no women in new york were safe from this guy. at some point we will find out the statute of liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off. cuomo insists that an investigation into these allegations will exonerate him. and while president biden is willing to wait and see where the investigation leads, he
might be the only one left. >> governor cuomo is digging in despite a cascade of demands from politicians, many fellow democrats, saying that he needs to step down for the good of the state. almost all of the state's democratic congress people are calling on cuomo to go. along with his two u.s. senators, majority leader chuck schumer and kirsten gillibrand. >> gov another cuomo has lost the confidence of his governing partners as well as the people of new york. >> long time congressman jerry nadler says governor cuomo lost the kf difference of the people of new york. governor cuomo must resign. congresswoman alexandria ocasio-cortez and jamaa bowman said governor cuomo can no longer effectively lead in the face of so many challenges. >> trevor: that's right, no one wants anything to do with cuomo. aoc wants him to resign, schumer wants him to resign. his brother renamed his cnn show from cuomo prime time to just, it's just chris, okay, it's just
chris. but yet many democrats say cuomo can no longer effectively lead new york and photos like this one aren't helping. if you are walking around outside wearing a blanket you don't luke like you are on top of things. you look like you either got saved from a drowning car and you live with 100 cats, or maybe his strategy is just to go in disguise. maybe that is what he is trying to do. andrew cuomo, no, i'm an old italian grandmother. nona maria. okay, granny, well, let's get you back into a nursing home. oh shit, that back fired. and remember, while all of this is going on new york is still in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic. the state is even dealing with its own new york mutation which makes corona easier to catch and also makes you really defensive against bagels. and if you want to convince people are you still focused encore owna t is probably a bad idea to have your vaccine czar spending his time doing this. >> now a report in the "washington post" makes claims that one of cuomo's top virses
and vaccine czar larry schwartz may have crossed ethical lines accused of making calls to counterree executives questioning their loyalty. >> one executive was so upset by the call the person filed an ethics complaint with the state attorney general's office. >> according to the report, one official believes getting vaccines to his area could suffer if schwartz was not pleased with his response. >> and the governor's office said schwartz denied that the governor did anything wrong. schwartz told the post that when he made those calls, it was not in his role as a vaccine czar but only as cuomo's friend. >> trevor: oh, that response is so gangster. >> i'm not calling you as the guy who has all the vaccines your area needs, i'm just calling you as cuomo's friend who has all the vaccines your area needs. i just want to know if you support him. or if you like getting covid. it's just a question. and look, he can say that he was just calling as>a friend. but he is the vaccine zar.
like he should be doing vaccine shit, where does he even find the time for chit clat. because i'm spending all mime time in a an alley behind walgreen's trying to lick the inside of used syringes although i guess it is not entirely his fault, not completely his fault. they didn't make him the vaccine zar. if you don't want people to-- stop calling them zar. >> her satanic resulter are from the old day, that is your job now. >> so cuomo attempt to stay in power are only giving people more reasons to call for his resignation. but cuomo say sts never going to happen. and he has a very dumb explanation for why. >> new york governor andrew cuomo reiterating he's innocent amid mounting allegations and ongoing investigations into his alleged misconduct. the governor also saying he isn't going anywhere. >> people know the difference between playing politics, bowing to cancel culture, and the
truth. let the review proceed, i'm not going to resign. part of this is that i am not part of the political club. and you know what, i'm proud of it. >> trevor: that's right. from the time he became governor ten years ago to his years as attorney general, back to when he worked in the clinton administration, andrew cuomo has never been part of the political club. and if you disagree, you can drive your ass out of new york on the bridge they named after his governor dad. but yes, andrew cuomo thinks that holding him to account for his actions is cancel culture. which is obviously making people pretty angry, especially nursing home residents. they're like bitch, you cancelled gladys. and i have to be honest, if this is cancel culture, well then i have no idea what cancel culture means any more. i guess it's about letting dr. seuss' books be racist but also not letting politicians get away with sexual harassment.
cancel culture feels a lot like watching wandavision, every time i think i get what st about, the next scene is now it is about a purple witch who is only pretend possessed. but this is a new play book for all these scandals. you just refuse to step aside and hope that things eventually blow ever over. it worked for donald trump, for ralph northam and andrew cuomo hopes it will work. when we come back jaboukie young-white decides whether to take the covid-19 vaccine or not. and the one and only eddie murphy is still joining us on the show, so stick around.
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dillee social distancing show, now that the covid-19 vaccines are here everyone is scrambling to get one it while not everyone. our own jaboukie young-white has some concerns. >> for a year i've been talking to my good friend and vacs inologist about one thing. >> the vaccines won't be out until the middle of 2021. >> but no that the vaccine is finally here, i'm not sure i want it. there are too many unanswered questions. >> we have done this in less than a year, does that mean safety is being compromised. >> anything goes wrong with the vaccine the drug makers that produce them aren't responsible. >> yet potus is mawking his
mission to get everyone vaccinated. >> we can and have to vacs nailt half a billion people by the summer. >> we've got to vaccinate the american people ahead of these variants. >> we need more vaccine. >> while enough is enough. >> doctor. >> i've been seeing you everywhere promoting this vaccine. you got to stop. >> wait a minute, wait a minute. when we spoke last year you were begging for that vaccine. >> i barely wanted the vaccine, are you exaggerating. >> give me a little taste of that sweet little vaccine. >> i will take three boxes of the oxy-- you didn't pronounce it quite right. >> okay, doctor, just give me your secret stash of astra zendaya ostrich farm, please. >> that is before i heard this. >> there is a lot of misinformation about vaccines. >> i have accurate sources, horoscopes, memes, this guy who yells things outside my window. >> the world is ending.
>> i have been giving you the most accurate information that the scientific community has to offer. >> the best they have to offer isn't going to prevent this. >> i don't want bill gates putting a microchip in me, i want apple muting a microchip in me. >> let me tell you something, they are saying not only bill gate, but me and tony fauci were out in area 51 putting those chips in the vaccine. >> oh my god what is area 51 like? are the aliens cute. >> i have never been to area 51. you can't believe everything that you hear. >> i heard the vaccine will turn you gay. >> now how would something like that happen. >> an if that is true, how can i get the vaccine personally distributed to some celebs. have i a list. and i want to know if they have already gotten it. michael become jordan,
timothy-- pete davidson, logan letterman, daniel kal ua steven yeun. >> there is no plausible mechanism by which that is going to happen. >> how about the fact that they are rushing the vaccine like a couple of 90 day fiances. >> rushing, we have been working on car owna virus vaccines for over ten years. >> so a decade of research and you still haven't found a way to turn people gay. what is science for, even. >> now look vaccines don't modify your dna. nobody is sticking chips inside. and they certainly are not going to change your sexual orientation. >> how do you know all this information? >> well, i spent my whole life developing vaccines and i've also gotten the coronavirus vaccine. >> were you vaccinated. are there any fun side effects. >> any fun side effects. i know i'm not going to go to the hospital or the icu or going to lose my life from covid-19. >> oh yeah. i was so worried about the side effects i forgot about the main
effect, not dying. see, that is what i'm saying. everyone needs to get this vaccine. >> one of the problems is that people don't have access to places where we are delivering the vaccine, especially in low income neighborhoods. we have to create more sites where people request get vaccinated. >> even if they have access some people just don't want it. >> vaccine hesitancy rates are pretty high. in african-american neighborhoods and among people of color. so now going on just about every african-american talk radio station i can, we talk about the importance of getting vaccinated. >> okay, doctor, no offense, maybe you are just not the best pes injury, maybe can i help because i'm me and you are-- . >> yeah, exactly. >> even though the doctor has the best intentions he can't help the fact that the black community doesn't trust white nerds, that's why i am here to help. >> hello, i'm have an important
message on why we need to get vaccinated, these antiviral properties, fight proteins in the body which, you know, it works like botox, okay, i'm 43. look, soflt, look, smooth. >> wait a minute, wait a minute, you can't say that, you got the first part perfectly. you can't go saying it is going to work like. >> what is the word to make it happen, i save somebody's life. >> you want to save someone's life but you can't say it is going to work like botox. >> fine, okay. >> studies have shown that it makes your dick bigger. >> you can't make those outrageous claims. >> of course, right. our dick is already big, it would be weird. >> it will cure happiness. >> none of those things are true. >> you know what, this isn't working for me, get the [bleep] vaccine. >> i'm with you dr. jaboukie, everybody get the [bleep] vaccine. >> finally. >> this is dr. jaboukie, signing off. and remember, once vaccinated,
you will never be pulled over by the cops again. >> no, no, no, no. it doesn't do anything with that. >> trevor: thank you so much, jaboukie, when we come back, the one and only eddie murphy is joining me on the show. joining me on the show. so don't go away. riding a bike should be a really fun experience. we make low maintenance bicycles, for everyday riders. we were coming off a great year, and when the pandemic hit, it just stopped. we really had to think creatively. teams allowed us to do what we call virtual visits. hey, is that tk? hi, how are you? we're able to see two or three-fold the amount of customers from all over the world. without teams there's no way this would have been possible. i really think it's going to set a standard for retail moving forward.
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>> ed yee murphy-- eddie murphy, welcome to the daily social distancing show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: you seem like the kind of person the least affected by the pandemic because i feel like you always stayed at home before the pandemic. >> have i been sheltering in place and washing my hands constantly, using purell for over 30 years. >> >> trevor: that is something i have known about eddie murphy. eddie murphy washes his hands, that was a thing, i knew eddie murphy comedian jokes, actor, the third thing was eddie murphy washes his hands. >> very clean man, i'm very clean. >> trevor: when was the last time you were sick? >> sick, sick. >> trevor: yeah. >> maybe about two years ago i caught the flu at the golden globes. >> that is why eddie murphy doesn't go out. >> and the time before that i caught the flu at the oscars like two or three years before that. it is those big crowds of people getting trophies in a room.
>> people have grown up with you. people have emulated you, there is no standup comedian who hasn't been touched by you. no film or comedic actor without doesn't have a little bit of eddie murphy in how they perform. we see them coming 2 america now, it is like a celebration of a movie that was genre defying back then. i mean i remember watching that movie going like i have never seen africans portrayed like this in an american film, you know, seeing like regal africans, seeing richafter kans, it was wakanda before wakanda it is like what is this place where the royal penis is being cleaned, do you know what i mean? when you decided to make coming 2 america the sequel, i am sure it wasn't an easy choice, why did you say yes? >> it was a totally easy choice, it kind of happened organically t wasn't like somebody pitched it, and i was like-- what happened was the movie became a
cult movie over the years. >> trevor: right. >> and i have realized there is an audience for this movie, if i can figure out a way to connect those dots. there is an audience for a sequel to the movie. that was 25 years into it, people started dressing up on halloween, people get dressed up as some of the characters. there is a restaurant in l.a. i think it is called fat sals they turn their restaurant into a mcdowells restaurant. >> trevor: right, right. >> and on vh1 shows coming to america, 24 hours straight on christmas, so it is that, that is what made me feel there san audience for this. >> trevor: i loved how the movie, it was new enough to be like knew for a new generation but i love that you guys brought back so many of the same characters. my favorite character are the barbershop fellows, everyone from sal to the dudes in the chairs, did you ever go out into the streets as those characters just to test the characters in real life?
>> oh yeah, when we first put them on we would go out and play around in that makeup. >> trevor: like would you go out as the old dude from the barbershop. >> absolutely. a couple times we went out in those makeups, just to talk to people and you know, see if it is working. >> trevor: because i don't know if this story is true but arsenio told me that you wanted to see how convincing you could be as an old man and you decided to go and like flirt with older ladies just to see if you were in the right bracket. >> not to see how convincing i was, to see how convincing the makeup would be, flirting with some older woman when i was an older man. >> trevor: and? >> and i got the pu ssh p puss-- no, i'm just kidding, actually some of the easiest i ever had. to show how easy old women really are. >> trevor: oh man.
you-- . >> it is so strong. did you ever feel like living like-- not living like that but going outlining that, because eddie murphy is an insane superstar. i remember there was a time when you went around with body guards, for a short moment in time. then were you like i don't do this. but i wonder if eddie murphy, i'm just going to go out as a different character and see what life is like? >> i used to go out with body guards back in the early days when i toured or when i was at the club every night. >> trevor: right. >> around people drunk every night. and but after that period i never. i got rid of them and i don't really go out that much. you know. it is kind of have my little world that i'm in, without a lot
of going out. but if i do it is in controlled places. >> trevor: right, right, it feels like. >> the first part of your question was what. >> trevor: i wanted to know if you just went outlining that ever. just to be like free, as eddie murphy, just to be like yeah, can i do whatever i want. >> yeah, i can just go out as me, you know, to controlled places, for the most part. i never put on the makeup. because you're not really free if you go out in those makeups. i'm this other guy. years ago, hi no mustache, the only movie i have ever done in my whole career where i had no mustache. and i am with no mustache i'm unrecognizable. like me just walking, if i take my mustache off, i could walk into, i literally have gone to mr. ch ow with no mustache and walked past, you know, just walk right past, going up to people that i knew, famous people,
talking to them for a second, they will be like who is this, and then they will realize, wow. >> i i didn't like t i didn't like the whole being just the guy. >> i think i'm ugly. i think without my mustache, not just regular guy but an ugly regular guy, the girls wasn't giving me no kind of energy or nothing. i walked in, it was very-- i hated it. i grew my mustache back as quickly as possible. >> trevor: when we look at your career now, you have done everything. and you have always talked about how your family is your legacy. but selfishly your fans want more standup from eddie murphy, are you coming back to the stage? >> the plan was, i took off for making movies in 2011. and in 6, 7 years go by and i'm like all right, have i recharged my batteries. i want to go do some stuff.
and i was like you know it would be really cool to do some standup. but i don't want to just jump back out there having not had a new movie out in years so i thought let me go down so stuff to kind of remind them that i'm funny, so i did dolomite and then back to saturday night live. and then the plan was to do coming 2 america. then the plan was to go and do standup. but then the pandemic hit so this last year when we were all sheltering, that was the year i would have been out trying to get my shit back together. >> trevor: right, right. >> so as soon as we get back to people can sit in a room again and go, then i'm going to go start workshopping and getting an act together. the plan is to do it again. >> trevor: we are looking forward to it. it has been an amazing journey having you in our lives. thank you for releasing a movie. thank you for getting back on stage and thank you for being you. >> and thank you for being in the movie. >> trevor: are you kidding me? >> it was great name i know it
is authentic but-- i love it. all those other names those are not real names, most of them are my mother's name aolione, that is not a real name, totally, totally made up names. so tatabinana. >> trevor: well, bibanana is a play-- if you say it properly, it means small penis. >> so there was a little joke inside joke for south africans. >> trevor: exactly, yeah, like my brother came up to me, hey man, who called you that, because i don't know if these americans know what they called me. i was like oh no, that was on you are our side. he was like that sounds like-- that was just like a south african play on the name, it was a last name that sounds like it. it sounds like it. >> little dick. >> trevor: it sounds like it,
sounds like small dick, but it isn't, it sounds like it, you know, just to give it some of that, but thank you for having me, man, thank you so much. >> thas ng thanks for doing it. >> trevor: i'm excited to see you on the stage again, yeah, man, keep washing your hands, keep doing you, and i appreciate you. >> yeah, man, i appreciate you too, and thank you for having me. and congratulations for all the success you have been having. >> trevor: thank you, sir. >> you are really a funny brother. >> trevor: coming to america is available now on amazon prime video. we're going to take a quick break but we'll be right back after this.