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tv   Beyond Men and Masculinity  Deutsche Welle  April 12, 2021 11:15am-12:01pm CEST

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as a space superpower the position that russia still holds today to the international space station and up next it is doc film with a look at what it means to be masculine you're watching news live from berlin and i'm sara kelley from the all of us here at g.w. thank you so much for watching take it. off because. you feel worried about the planet. i'm neal be on the green fence post and to me it's clear remains choice. join me for a deep dive into the green transformation for me for you for the planet. one
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little with horrified. he was a hockey dad. he was a hockey game. this father this boy did ok not great and this father was extra korea gave him full voice in front of 100 people 200 people and he wanted screen media and the some started to cry and he
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started screaming at him for cry and this man of service boy maybe $1314.00 goes up into the stands where his mother city he sits next to his mother still in tears the mother reaches an arm to comfort him and he punches the mother in the face that's the transmission of patriarchy. on the beat of your father and she's in a force in this are. you saying the big preoccupation throughout my life has been them. what is healthy now i'm. never seen it. you know i don't get angry at somebody that's outside me. until i've already
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completely shredded myself inside. but i've got through got nothing to work on inside the cell i am he didn't need to need it and then tell better ass it comes flowing out i won one day you're your partner says something that strikes you the wrong way it will come down yeah so i think what i'm after here today because i'm still. thrashing myself about my inability to work in the world with other adults. when we start with you learning how to not thresher a cell phone much less think it will be 2 or how many men in this group give themselves a really hard time. and
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how violent is a really hard time. most men have terrible relationships to them so they're more vibrant to themselves than they are to other people we judge ourselves based on performance other people's opinions we have that's outside in self-esteem maybe in particular rely on performance space the scene we talk about the fragile male ego well this is what it is it's fragile because there's no internal sense of self-worth it's all based on how well you do you know this particular day and how well you did yesterday doesn't much count i think it comes to me 2 different ways when i'm feeling it in cornered if. i have to do something like this demanding a reaction and i'm feeling. it when i'm feeling traumatized and that's in that
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moment i'm feeling a sense of i don't know what to do yeah get me from that to the range of the anger . i think it's rage at being put in that position. sort of feeling like you know this is not my doing or responsibility but i'm the one who asked it to with us you feel shame for not being able to get yourself out of it in a quote normal way. you know i think anger definitely kicks in at myself for not being one of those people who. you know grew up not traumatized or just grew up in i don't know figured out some a better outlet for their trauma. trauma wasn't your fault. yet but you take it on and shame ok
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yeah i feel that that the sadness wash over you won't hurt you. i think i always feel it the said it's going to hurt me or it does hurt me this isn't feelings will not hurt you know running from feelings can kill you. it is part of the essence of traditional masculinity that you can run from shame helplessness paralysed into grandiosity better than superior dominance and revenge and i think this is the root of male violence you hurt me i get hit you twice as good or bad all perpetrators see themselves as angry victims even while they're lashing in.
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you know for 50 years feminist psychologists have correctly identified that the healing move for most girls in women is re empowerment finding their moral and the word this edition. never having a voice or. the word for boys and men comes much earlier than girls about 345 years old. and the woman is about disconnection we chase them to disconnect from their feelings which he should to disconnect from vulnerability we teach him to disconnect from other people we call that being independent. there's a particular trauma that men learn to escape by moving from
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shame to grandiosity. grandiosity is driving so much of what's difficult in man grandiosity itself is a consequence of. that men to not ask for and that little boy did not ask for. and. that and that. and that. ah wow wow wow wow wow. a classic case of you think bad language here. close that thinking back. there at least 2 truths about boys that we tend to overlook and estimate and the 1st is that boys have relational capabilities. oh.
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yeah when you're getting the other truth about places at their own little. bubble. and of course being always sit back and think about it we know these things but we still tend not to. acknowledge them or value them in voice to the point where vulnerability or relational capabilities boys they may recognize those things in themselves but they know they shouldn't show other people they know it's considered a feminine weakness they know it's a liability they might be seen as soft boys or sensitive always on in fact even adults you know most adults can think of oh yeah i know a queer like that who really cares about other people who's you know so sweet and really kind and very gentle but they are always referred to those ways as being the exceptions. going back to was. one of the things that kind of motivates boys to conform to group and cultural
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norms is exactly this desire to identify with and relate to the other boys. oh i think it's nothing but here that there's this need to prove masculinity and they do it in some abstract sense out of obligation is that they're trying to connect. for instance at this particular school the boys had created a club of the mean team and it was created by the boys for the boys for the expressed purpose of acting against the girls. it was also meant to help them to find themselves in opposition to the girls and so in the beginning. he wanted to color the good. but then he realized wait the girls are good the girls are good and nice and so we have to be who are the boys opposite of the girls so then it was either the bad team or the mean team and the bad team just didn't wasn't really meant something that they wanted to be a mother. when i asked them also what does that mean team do you like what's mean i
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think says like oh so if they are playing a game or something we might come by and try to disturb it like they talk during their game or such it was never coming physically harm. sometimes the girls were chased them and then they would get scared. but it got complicated because the meantime created a hierarchy among the boys so there was a passive the me team. and when i interviewed rob it was not the boss of the mean team he would say that mike the bus you know he's the boss so he gets to decide what to do and we have to do it and i said well you know what if you don't want to do it because i do it anyway. and at one point rob there's nothing more i don't always want to do but the other plays a doing and so he had this dilemma where he wanted to break away from the mean team but he was worried that if he tried to then all the boys were going up and just can after him. another boy shake conveyed and he said what actually i'm friends with
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all of the girls but the mean team is not supposed to associate with the girls. that's one boy this place to make the bus and so he says you know you're fired from the mean team you're on the 113 your girl. gender socialization involves a response into skin actions. they feel like i have all these feelings and there's nowhere for these feelings to go and the fact that i even have them makes me an anomaly. that they have to disconnect from parts of themselves they can't be for and present in genuinely gauge. then nobody to know them. it's this path to
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loneliness. lose. to. the world. when i start ever foreclose 2004 there are very few spaces that i saw people focusing on what the young men these were. they think that they become a man when they can get a license or they're 21 they can drink but we have this like teenage years where you're like trying to figure it out so we've got boys walking around have no
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purpose have no value system around here is my role as a man in this community some i'm still a teenager now a little boy and not a man and i'm not seen i'm a young man so what is my role or nothing just to figure it out when i become. that's dangerous to have millions of teenage boys with no purpose except to feet wait for manhood to think get serious about life. and welcome everybody welcome there's very little happening i think in most of the schools that are up eastern is that have been in trouble say how do you come back how do you go to this challenging life situation and they restore yourself back right we should say ok were you there for an hour with longing to be there i believe we had to work around that when we got to do some healing work. so on the left side is this front of the mask so we're going to just go on the left side of
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it we're going to draw and so we're says front of the mask please join me. on the same side where you drew the mask i want you to write 3 words or 3 phrases that are qualities of yourself that you clarity let the world see what are qualities of yourself or characteristics of yourself that you had out of your house to go see the world what are 3 things you glad that people see. you know in the back of the net the back of the mass of things we normally don't let people see even though we don't talk about what you write those words his back a man asked.
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if we don't give men and boys starting with boys these tools to say i'm hurting in a healthy way then we're going to keep losing them up believe and that's what we keep seeing and that's this does it is this is a question that says i'm you hold on to something that you need to let go of but as i say that that question doesn't resonate when. you felt most alone. i used to hear people say when i was young ok you know it's not a day go by that i don't think about this particular person and i use a swear up and down that they will be why i'm not sure because you know you can give experience some type of death a a life time it's just going experience in life you don't know somebody who's passed
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away but it just don't get you to say after my better players are got rid of prison and i like i lost everything like i lost everything my place to stay in my car everything and in ad became the person that was in a position in need and that many people have you out every day i wake up like i have a flood of emotions that just go. like memories just like flashed through my tonight in like medically like makes me say so i got like break that every morning i wake up and i like got a break this last cycle like me felt like this f. everything and then i get enough to have to go like still put on this nashville put on this face still be this person who everybody knows being positive the renzo everybody with life in us and so. i'm really dreading the 28th it's just a day and it has been on my mind i kind of sleep kind of sleep i sleep so light.
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feeling like i want to just. be angry. and then feel like i'm just a facilitator mode or just you know. so that's about. all i say you're not a solicitor a no no no. he's this is a bad it's a mental but. so you're not a facilitator right now. you know we're hearing that. you are a opportunity to receive greater. i use or. there's no there's no time you have to wait for a special case just read. we have to like sometimes craft those situations for us
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so. it means going into the woods him in some trees with sticks like maybe music on a piece of paper was a markers and might i don't open it just requires us to like it is something we need for that create that experience for stillness it's abijah need to ask for a fellow and filled. old things that we.
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look to that are. beautifully said. that. what's happening right now is opportunity for men to be human and to say in all of my imperfection all of my. uniqueness i sometimes don't feel like i'm everything i would they want to be. but i can take everything i got. elevated
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today i think that's what i think they want i think that that what i felt in that space is that we could we could do this every week for our you know big so powerful for us. i feel. i didn't. make. the misspell face experiment but mother did was she sits down and she's playing
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with her baby who's about a year of age and. this baby starts pointing at different places in the world and the mother is trying to engage her in play with her and then we guessed mother to not respond to baby. the baby very quickly picks up on news and then she uses all of her abilities to try and get the mother back she smiles at the mother. she wants because she is the mother looking where she wants. the baby puts both hands up in front of her and says what's happening here. she makes that screeching sound. like come on why are we doing. even in this. 2 minutes when they don't get the normal reaction they react with
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negative emotions turn away they feel the stress of it they actually was control of their posture the struggle at 3. o'clock here on. all. relationships depend on the ability to repair the inevitable ruptures that occur when you lose touch how do you get back in touch with somebody who would pay for your he does this in the name of manhood in the name of being a real boy or one of the boys. when a boy starts to register the loss of connection like that when you're a baby oh my god i have lost touch and starts to have the feelings of the last a voice comes in and says are you a baby you don't need that relationship. oh.
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yeah. i flipped him with frank. i mean the front of them are biting so it shames the registering of the feeling of losing connection. and therefore the ability to act on those feelings and to restore that connection. so it makes the breaking relationship irreparable. and once you interrupt or you impede humid relational cassidy's. you set the stage for any form for pressure. we are thanks.
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to the potential for it undercuts what's essential for. democracy rests it's the full force because if you don't have equal voice you can preserve conflicts in relationship you you are depending on use of force who has more strength. the person on the bottom can't have a voice that is dean poor that listening to because you can't listen to that voice you keep doing what you're doing. then the person on top doesn't feel the feelings of the person on the bottom which you can see in this society right now all the time. is what we're saying is you have a psychology that's maintaining the politics. and the politics is
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pendent on the psychology. and the other thing is if you. premise manhood of masculinity. the gender binary it means to be a man means not to be a woman or like a woman. and to be. in the superior position so any move to a democracy in which 20 quality becomes a threat to man and that's what you see me that's what's playing out. and if man has threatened violence in the. last man.
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this is a puzzle that we have to figure out which is how to make this change without in the process shaming man which will provoke violence. and it's like figuring out how to make that move without it triggering the really institution of the patriarchal structure.
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when i saw as a child and an 18 or 19 year old israeli soldier a few years older than me yelling and shouting and insulting my father and my father could have a response because if he responded it would probably be treated even worse maybe even physically beaten up then what does that create for me looking into this world model of a man and say well he can't do anything about this what does that do to me as a young boy and how that even traumatized me in saying is this the man i'm supposed to look up to. and i know in his silence he was protecting and protecting himself but this is that the complexity of this picture of the system this expectation that
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men stand up for their rights and stand up for protecting their children and others when in reality they're not able to do that within that system. and. we see this every day is put students every morning at 3 am distin young men shells and sold them every day being humiliated and standing in these sort of slaughterhouse with their heads down in the will be the ends to the system of oppression just so that they would be able to work for that day and to bring enough money to buy bread for their families. there is a humiliation that these people experience that can only be manifested in the violence either internally where they feel they're not mad enough they're not good enough and as an alger expression towards their wife's through words their
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daughters even towards their sons it's a masculine occupation that the masculine lies as an entire community. especially when we talk about political energies for me to sort of masculine energies that are in this conflict how men relate to each other. political entities relate to each other. from what i experience and see the way men relate to each other is a lot of doubt. we have friends you know we call them friends and these are the men we hang out with oh we go bowling with but to say like you have intimate relationships between men it's very rare to see this because men are afraid of each other. how many relate to each other there is mistrust of fear how many relate to women there is mistrust and fear and the only way to express any form of relationship of the other is in how it relates to power and domination.
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this is exactly what becomes manifested at the political level as well but just in the ends of israelis and their political at the least will trust each other it's all about who has more power than the other who presents a better argument than the other who has control over the other. this is the picture of the system that i think both 'd men and women are trapped.
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mean. crying when things went poorly for me. in sports specifically. i was very looked down upon him and your father was my father's friend sat with that yes there would be times when i would get upset and i would i would tear up the cry and then very distinctly the start of one season. i didn't have that problem anymore i just didn't cry the problem chris and forgive. the problem to your father right family path our g.p. rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods take you down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn around and face the flames
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what would happen to me then is out probably get i get shouted down beaten down. for my insubordination for my insolence it was like that yeah. in the board nation for your info yeah if i knew no father you know the furniture. yeah i ask most of the man i see what kind of father did you have. what kind of father do you want to be we let me help you be that man who should know that. but most of us are making it up most of us are trying to do better than we're reaching for we want to say to him right now if he were in front of you would he want to say to him. he didn't. break the rule. stand no no no you go off working man i
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know say it again no no. work no deal whatever i want to feel doesn't matter that i missed the shot doesn't matter. here's the revolution you can teach a man how to love him so you can heal the wounded disconnection you can teach a man how to show up and be responsible for the people around you can educate people out of this but it's not straightforward teaching because you have to also deal with the trauma and now chris i'd like to meet the 5 year old and i want you to find them 5 year old who's living inside him
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what do you feel if you look at him. heartbreak you know. going to. go on with you know open a back in frock you. tell him ha tell him out loud as i look at you my heart of pray so i'd like a new way of heart is breaking yeah go. you know how much you're going to suffer you know. you don't deserve it yeah. i've missed you so but. you know we means you we need you here and we want you here and i want you here. i want you as a part of me you know. both deserve it's what you deserve and that's what he thinks
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are. one of the things i say to men across the board is your feelings never left you you flatter them they've been here the whole time just to the dish in instead of out and they'll be right there for you give med structure give men your conviction that they could do it they can do it. ah. there was a pew research study in 2018 that showed that although we say we value kindness and compassion because of the morning that we do with other we say we want men to talk about their mission to share these things it also should be found that women tend
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to value men who are. boys especially are not just hearing the messages we tell them they're also seeing our behaviors and that communicates something even more strongly. i think that that when it the roles of girls and women are to kind of be more consistent in what we're saying we value in boys and men and again it's not about one list of another thought like oh value if you're sensitive over if you're macho but ballyhooing when men show up and bring themselves into the conversation when they show up openly and honestly and sometimes being honest and open it's going to mean that they're going to say things that we don't like the being of that person is not about only saying things that we want them to say it's about them being able to tell us the truth and so i think you know can we handle the truth can we are we strong enough can be tolerant enough to really allow people to enter the conversation as they are because i think
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unfortunately we often we want to hear what we want to hear. it goes both ways i don't know that it's only advice for women and girls i think that's also a base for just anyone who. wants to have healthy relationships to kind of event eat. not always be told and to get exactly what we think we might and sometimes will be sick writes will be pleasantly surprised to get something more than what we were asking for expecting. that is a hard question when i joined the jam and no one spoke to me for a whole year nobody spoke harshly to me but they just didn't speak to me at all
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even though i went 6 times a week and i didn't dare shower their guesses because of what i'm on. that less slowly but surely after a year the women started to talk to me and after the women started talking to me then suddenly a man dared to say a lot of time whatever the how. rough the. victory lap the sally field at the beginning of my transition i was totally convinced that i wanted to start with the major procedures at the mouth of practice any less. genitals breasts i wanted the gender reassignment surgery badly. that any doctor i wanted the beard quickly i would shave a lot to get my period to graduate and i was really stressed out and not in a healthy place mentally. i was trying to achieve a type of masculinity that i didn't even believe that
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a ram i don't believe outward appearance makes you a man but i still felt i had to establish myself as a man. shipped on monday all of a sudden i looked like a man almost a man but i didn't feel like being a man i really enjoyed being a woman and i didn't feel like giving up being over my body you know. that it was a gift to myself when i said i won't give it up. i
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mean because i'm in my place this is to our i'm trans that's my gender so when people ask if i'm a man or a woman i say i'm trans i was a woman for 20 years and now i have a man's appearance but i'm somewhere in between that. the real. the solution is within us we're all born with a voice and we're all born with a desire to engage responsibly with other people so basically let's clear out the impediments because we have the human capacities that are necessary to solve the problems that we collectively face right now and one of the things that's really
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getting in the way because he mobilizing basic with relational capacities that are integral to solving whether it's climate change or poverty or inequality or fascism human problems. we can either make it not an anomaly and build connection and then building a ship and then build build more real be more vulnerable in each other and then the more we have this new generation recognize our kind of caring and loving how are those be the alpha traits arguments i submit i will just be a kind caring loving community where we don't judge and harm each other. during our hour for food for us and in relationship breaks the back of patriarchy. 'd being relational this what we're
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born for being relational is how we were designed and if how we function past that's the pearl of great price is the only thing that will be of the makers having . if they are defining climate change. and bangladesh have water almost up to their necks. they're growing in it. with floating fields it's been a regional tradition but is touted as a model for the entire country. confidential is the idea. of
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3000. and 90 minutes on w. . down the lovely. people have to say matters to us. that's why we listen to their stories reporter every weekend on d w. devastated i was assaulted our week and we must move cars carrying. the facts of climate change i mean felt like a forest station in the rain forest can come in dioxide emissions have risen again . young people in the world or committed to climate protection. what impact will the health. because change doesn't happen on its own.
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make up your own mind to. w. pay for minds. this is deja vu news live from berlin india records a new surge in covert 1000 cases authorities hope to stop the new way by pushing for more vaccinations but many states say there's not enough vaccine to go around. also coming up iran is fallon's workbench after it uses israel off attacking its key nuclear site.


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