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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  March 19, 2016 10:00pm-11:01pm PDT

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facebook and follow me on twitter and follow me on instagram at judge underscore gentlemen neechblt thanks for watching. is next. have a great weekend. hi, i'm greg gutfeld or as i'm known at the home open road kenny. here's what's coming up. more protesters showing up for trump rallies. don't they have better things to do? the short answer, no, the long answer, noooo. the paris attacker found in brussels. how long was he there? did belgium drop the waffle on catching these stupid losers. will they possibly kill us all or possibly kill us all? i'll tell you why we need to destroy them before they destroy us. and later joanne and katherine, the a great steak debate.
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i miss you america. let's go. i have a ceramics class with jude law in an hour. what a sexy audience. all right. let's welcome tonight's guests. if political expertise were a rash we'd have him covered in oinltment. it's political adviser mark mckinnon. nice hat. he has more tatis. he's the founding member of jas jane's addiction, a great band. it's dave navarro. and he's so tall his hobby is peering over stalls in public bathrooms. you've probably seen his face. comedian miami bess kissell and at home every cabinet is a liquor cab it. it's joann nosuchinsky. and she's like a tooth paste on
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the floor. terrible joke, katherine timpf. but first welcome to trump tower of terror. [ screaming ] >> oh, yes. it's the scariest and funnest ride on earth. once you get on, you may never get off. last weekend in chicago, total chaos. last weekend, a march to trump city. they shut the road to trump's rally. this weekend in utah, more protests except it was calmer. what's missing? alcohol. it's utah, after all. good for them. also this lady who's probably still shouting somewhere in a chicago park. >> aren't you quite aware by holding that video camera on me that you are surrounded by your live ledge, right? take your privilege somewhere else, please, all right?
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because your privilege is not welcome here. so unless you are here to dismantle your privilege, please find somewhere else to go. >> that was the opposite of appealing. so here's an exercise. if you are worried about the republicans or trump, think of that lady. under clinton, that could be secretary of education. still we're told that if trump's elected, it's going to be anarchy. if he's not elected it's going to be anarchy too. we've got right yachts. he even says it himself. >> i don't think you can say that we don't get it automatically. we may have riots. >> what do you think about the idea that he was suggesting that there would be violence, threatening that there would be violence. >> i don't think he said violence. i think he said riots. >> riots are violence by definition. >> well, i don't accept that. >> and why should you, sir? but riots are nothing when you
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consider an alien invasion. >> what's hiding in plain view, folks, it's not of this world. i don't know what it is or what it's doing, but this is not human intelligence, okay? it's not human intelligence. >> when he said not human intelligence, he wasn't kidding. i feel like he ripped off this guy. >> the fourth of july will no longer be known as an american holiday but as the day when the world declared in one voice we will not go quietly into the night. >> see, i'm thinking alex could use some music. >> i want to go to space. i want what god promised us and i won't sit here and watch satan steal it. that's the fight, that's the key, that's everything so much better. so are we actually heading to the dark side? there are signs. "full house" returned.
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i don't remember americans asking that. and they were holding secret meetings to stop him. we were there. >> want des moines blocked . >> meanwhile the left is planning more mass protests to stop trump. we have footage of that too. >> you get my point. if you didn't know any better, you'd think trump was a well off freddy krueger, leather face in an orange fright wig, chucky all grown up. the economist magazine calls him a top global threat. everyone is scared [ bleep ]. of what? number of us know.
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trump is a mystery bag of adorable bluster. he's that kardashian we never see until now. is that so bad? for so long the world has been scaring us, crowds burning flags, shouting death to america and so on is. it so bad now that we're the ones generating fear around the globe? i live in new york city where there's also a scary drunk guy on each block. it's unnerving but it's not unnerving if you're the really scary drunk guy. pants off, shirt ripped, waving a discarded field hockey stick, a scent . of human waste in the air. maybe trump is turning america into the really drunk guy on the block, the block that we call earth. remember, this used to be us. ♪ winter, spring, summer, or fall all you've got to do is call ♪ and i will be there yes, i'll be there
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you've got a friend ♪ >> and now we're this. ♪ if that's what america is going to become, who'd want to mess with that. >> period. >> all right. mark, you tear campaign trail expert here, how truly terrified should we be of a trump presidency? >> it's freddy krueger time. >> really, really? >> yeah. >> is that because you're part of the establishment? >> we're holding up the mirror in this election and it's looking increasingly like it's going to be a trump/clinton race. everyone's pretty excited about that prospect. >> what's wrong with the planet earth being scared of this?
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isn't that good? >> this is democracy in action. the best and the brightest. >> i think you're being sarcastic. dave, it's always a pleasure to have you here even though it's your first time. as if that makes sense. are you afraid of trump? >> we have a front runner who's polarizing and scary and he's making a lot of people really nervous, but it seems to be what the people are asking for. >> right. >> yet we have the gop in back rooms trying to prevent this from happening, so i worry more about democracy right now at this point, because what we're dealing with now is we've got potentially someone who's in danger over being indicted or we have a bully who doesn't know specific policy and can't give us any more than four talking points or a third option that we have to decide what it is or have it decided for us. >> i think you should be the third option.
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the most fully tattooed president since james polk. you should have seen what he had. >> he has a tramp stamp. >> and you have a trump stamp. >> it's funny. at certain times of the day it reads donald trump and then it goes back to trump. everybody knows what i'm talking about. >> yes, depending on what pictures i'm looking at on the internet. >> ben, you are a comedian, or you claim. we have no proof of that. if trump is president, does that make your job harder or easier? >> easier. trump speaks at a fourth grade level, that's a fact, and i kind of want him to be president because then we don't need free college because then you don't have to go because we'll be so stupid that our lead ler be so dumb that a sixth grade education will make you two grades smarter than he is. >> i think donald trump is brilliant. >> i do too.
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they made a massive mistake when they put in the wrong rule. otherwise you can't be on the ballot in case of a brokered convention and now they're forced to be in a position where they're going have to repeal that law and as soon as they do, that we know they're going for a brokered convention. the gop needs to stop fiddling with the bills or how bill clinton fiddles with everything at the museum of sex. >> you know he would be the one to that touches all the displays. >> i'm not supposed to sit on this? >> would tln't there be more of outcry if what i they were doing was kind of like not the best idea, you know what i mean? they're kind of taking care of what the protesters are up to. >> i can't think right now because david navarro touched me, everybody. i'm the happiest man on the
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planet. >> you'll be saying that in court. show me where he touched you on that doll. >> he touched me on my donald trump tattoo. >> okay, joanne, talk about hillary. is this going to be a big obstacle for donald? how can he win women over? >> that's the thing. th i don't know whether you're winning over people or suppor r supporters. i think that people's minds are kind of made up, but i do think that you're going to see with the nominee or with trump as the gop nominee or hillary that he is going to change tactics a little bit. he's going to have to. and i think he's a smart man and so we're going to see that. i would like to say, though, trump as president would not be the end of the world. if anything, we will have four years of nothing. it will just be four years of nothing getting done because thankfully our government
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prevents him from rung everything. >> what's amazing is the fact that he's going to change. oh, yeah, i'll be different. i can be the most politically correct leader you'll ever see. >> he's missing major opportunities to change now in the face of the rioting that's happening now and the protesters to be presidential and speak to the people and say, listen, you guys have a right to protest, you guys have a right. that's what makes this nation great and speak to both sides. >> i want to bring kat in there. >> because ben mentioned my celebrity crush ron paul. i'm all hot and bothered. >> say something powerful about what we're talking about. >> you know, i they everybody's scared because we're all scared of what we don't understand. we can't understand anything about what's going on in this election. everyone thought trump would go away. he's not going away.
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>> you know who makes me feel good, ben carson. he said something very smart. he said, don't worry. it's only four years. it's like your dad saying when you wake up with a nightmare, it's not really happening. if this goes south, you know -- i go back to my original point. if the globe is the city block, we had to be the policeman, now we can be the crazy guy. is that so bad? >> i dmoeon't know what would b worse than a socialist country. i don't know why that didn't make the list. >> that rag. we're going to take a break. next, the story so mind-boggling, i forgot what it is. hillary versus trump, is it good versus . evil versus evil? either way i'm stocking up using
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the election cycle getting uglier than gary bousy in a christmas sweater but it's going to get worse. hillary and donald become the party nominees and now they're
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setting their sights on each other. trump's already put out this ad. ♪ [ barking ] >> meantime hillary clinton's super tuesday victory speech, she actually congratulated sanders on his campaign and trounced trump. >> when we have a candidate for present rounding up immigrants, banning all muslims from entering the united states, when he embraces torture, that doesn't make him strong, it makes him wrong. >> blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah! blah! then there's this anti-trump ad
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where women read quotes from donald trump. >> real quotes from donald trump. a woman who's flat-chested is hard to be a ten. >> i'd look at that fat ugly face. >> she had the height, she had the beauty. she was crazy. these are minor details. >> you know, it really doesn't matter what they bright as long as you're about got a young and beautiful piece of [ bleep ]. >> women, you have to treat them like [ bleep ]. >> but things got really weird in the extended cut which our crack staff uncovered. >> a woman who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. >> i like big butts and i cannot lie. >> it doesn't matter what they right as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of [ bleep ]. >> she's got a ticket to ride but she don't care. is she worth it? let me work it. i put my thing down, flip it and reverse it.
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oh, here she comes. watch out boys, she'll chew you up. i like it when the beat goes dunna, dunna. baby make your booty go duh unna, dunna. >> she had the sight, knocking me out with those american thighs. >> women jourks to treat them like [ bleep ]. >> that was unexpected. daves by the way, we were talking about this in the green room. what do you feel about this matchup? did the polls show them way ahead? do you think there's a possibility that trump could close that gap? >> he's not doing a good job of it right now. like i said, he needs to speak to the undecideds and open up his rhetoric a little bit to be a little more inclusive, because right now his base is not going anywhere. it's immovable. i'm sorry always worried about
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-- actually looking forward to the two only them on the debate statement because she's going to destroy him. >> he gets under people's skin, ben. >> he does. he does get under people's skin, that's for insure he gets under his own skin. >> they stole all his punch lines. it's interesting what's happening. i think bernie supporters are going to be extremely upset. the fix was in from the beginning to make sure his campaign never had legs and i don't think they're going to support hillary clinton. bernie supporters feel like they're left out. they might go over to trump. he can flank her on the left when it comes to her foreign policy experience which is more warhawkish than w. bush if you look at it. so i think it's going to be a fascinating experiment. >> that was an in-depth answer i
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didn't expect from you. >> not a problem. you to tell a joke now. >> yeah, yeah, i failed misserably. >> mark, this could be the most entertaining -- if it's hillary versus trump, it could be the most entertain someone should do a documentary. it's air is was. >> it is a circus. that's a plug. >> the dog barking moment, she should put it in her ad. it was a great human moment. >> her human moment acting like an animal, that makes sense. >> the thinking trump, you can't plan for what he's going to do. >> that's it. that's it. >> is that the only reason why the left is afraid to run against him because they have never tangled with an opponent like that? >> yes. he has no paper trail, no bureaucracy. >> he's not bullied by any actual policy or belief. >> yeah. >> which is quite helpful. it's interesting. hillary clinton has become
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bernie sanders if you listen to her rhetoric. hillary clinton just became a dog so you get the feeling she's become a dog. if he uses the dog whistle, i'm going to become a dog. >> that's going to be something. and the clintons were at trump's wedding. >> are people that rich capable of true friendship? i really don't. i think maybe he'll throw everybody for a loop and he'll go even more left than bernie and his supporters won't notice because they're just too busy insulting anybody who says anything about him than to actually listen to what hi's saying and bernie ones will come over, he'll win that. could be a thing he could do. >> there you go. joe, could hillary clinton be inaugurated in jail on skype?
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>> so long as it becomes a reality tv show, i'm totally on board to watch the whole season. we're definitely going to see more of these attack ads but i caution people to remember that so much of it is taken out of context. >> really? >> yes and unfortunately for you, greg, there's something floating around the internet right now of things you've said in the past. i don't know if you ev've seen . can we see that sf. >> real greg gutfeld quotes. >> it's time to embrace the metric system. >> i really don't like to talk to people. >> my break down on the debate, i won, everybody else lost. >> are we done with this meetingy it? >> you know who else didn't go to college, charles manson. >> are you guys in the control room taking a nap? >> i don't like the way my hair looks, so we're doing the show over. >> i'm almost positive i said
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those things. >> it could be anyone. still to come, i get tacos, but that's after the show with my close friend carl weathers. but first score one for the good guys. they capture the paris attacker. . him. it involves water and boarding. with the pain and swelling of my moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis...
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yes, it's time for a news mullet. that's a series news story in front and a mullet in the back. first up, isis salah abdeslam, [ bleep ] for short. he was shot and arrested during a police raid in belgium on friday. he's been on the run since november and earlier this week an american who surrendered the kurdish forces says he has a few regrets. he grew up in virginia. he says he wasn't into the intensive religious traat he, q decision and wasn't thinking straight. >> at the time i made a decision to go because i wasn't thinking straight. on the way there, i regretted it. i didn't see myself living in that environment. i was -- you know, i wanted to
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go back to america. >> love the hand shot. note to other millennials considering an isis career. eatingi eating at a chipotle is a bad decision. joining isis is just [ bleep ] stupid. mark, good point. he's going have to leave that off his resume. all they're going to do is google his name. oh, in between working at walmart and self-publishing his journal, he was in isis. >> not to mention he's a proven flip-flopper. >> yes, he is. you can't count on that guy. >> you know who will hire him? some university in the future. he'll give nice liberal lectures and all will be forgotten. >> you sew you were only with isis for a few months. reason for leaving? do you have any references? you have osama bip laden, but i think he's dead. >> we actually have someone
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who's been with isis for eight months. i think we're going to go with that one. i see you haven't been waterboarded. >> have you ever gotten invited to a party. there's going to be a chick there. i get a truck. awesome. whoa, i didn't think this is what i thought it could be. he can't come back. people have shut me out for way less than trying to join isis. i feel like all my ex-boyfriends should want me back. it's not like i joined isis. >> i feel like bejum has a ban on police raids. you can't do them between like 5:00 and 9:00 a.m. this makes no sense. is this crazy? >> that's why they're well rested. that's crazy. in this country, we wake them up. >> they're obviously running
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terrorist errands. they're not going to be there. >> first of all, i believe you get one free jihadi pass a year. but this person is going to be the most patriotic american in the history of the country because he was against america, he saw what the other side was and now he's going to come back and i think he's fully embracing freedom. >> what should we do with him? >> don't we have a 6 x 4 cell? >> that's a new york condo. >> would he be there long enough to have intel? >> that's the question. he was a guy who decided to follow a band. that's what it was. >> at the end of the day, he just decided that the rigorous religious training, that just wasn't for him. >> exactly. he went there for the tricks. joe, do you buy his story. >>? he claims he met an iraqi girl in russia.
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isn't it always a woman? >> oh, yeah, a rail millennial. you can't fault us for that. >> he knew there wouldn't be much competition. >> that is true as well. the other guy was found in mow lam beak which sent 100,000 fighters. it's like a farm league. i don't understand it. all right. let's go to the mullet. the times, they are achanging. i just came up with that. a model agency has hired a plus size model. he's 6'6", his eyes so blew you want to wear them like a pair of jeans. curve for its plus size model and what the hell is that when they see me naked. i didn't know this about you, ben. you are a plus size male model.
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>> i am. i went on destinations large, get back to me and kmart, get back to me. 6'6". i'm 6'7". size 38. i'm so much better than what is it, milo? >> i think they call you the husky model. >> when i was super fat -- i lost 160 pounds. i was 64 portly. >> 64 portly. >> hey, you date molds. >> i'm no expert on the plus sizes. >> i think you're on the wrong side of the fence. >> wasn't john goodman at one point the sexiest man alive or sexiest actor alive? >> isn't the plus size guy just a normal guy? >> it could be a ploy by the fashion industry to sell more garments to people who otherwise
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wouldn't buy them. >> what? what? >> when is the last time that plus size people walked into couture boutiques? >> they won't. >> don't you understand, they g >> our original model was jackie gleason. >> by the way, back in the '40s, overweight men could wear suits and look good. robots are taking over. >> self-driving models shoo they do mechanical cocaine. i don't know how that works. but i have advice to hot kits. look for another line of work. kat, i don't need to see clothes on models. i think it takes away from everything. do you agree? >> yeah. well they put on clothes for a living so i think you do need to see clothes on models. that's kind of the whole thing. she's hot, right, he's hot. okay, they're a little bit bigger than everyone else and
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all of a sudden they're models. when they have little short dwarf models like you, greg, that would be progress. you should write a letter. >> i have written many letters to models. all right, next up. showers and thunderstorms will continue to develop this weekend. note, showers and thunderstorms are what i call my pets. but first are driverless cars the tool of satan or is satan the tool of driverless cars? i wrote both questions on nyquil. if you'll be in the new york area and would like . recommended dulcolax
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all. in this highly compelling video the self-driving suv is on the right, its path blocked by some sandbags. it tried to maneuver around them and then drifted into the path of a bus. that car chose to avoid a sandbag, good, preferring the path of a bus, bad. no one was hurt but it got me thinking. if driverless cars are future, what happens when they have to make a decision about what to hit. this car chose to hit a bus instead of a sand bag. that scares me. consider this example, okay? a family of four is riding in their new driverless car along a cliffside road. this is already a terrible idea. the car senses a terrible obstacle, a dog. what do you do. to avoid hitting the dog it swerves out of the way and send this family vacation to a terrible end. even dies, but thank god the
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mutt is okay. so there you have it. driveless cars are going to kill us all to save cars. this has been -- all right, dave, would you trust a self-driving car? i wouldn't? >> it dpenlsd on what car. the s-class would protect the driver but the c-class would go over the mountain. >> you have to buy the more expensive kaer to kill the dog. >> why would we go with more expensive ones. >> what about you, ben? would you fit in one? >> no. i heard they're really nice. i don't know. it seems it will be more hard for the murderer going through if your neighbor keeps coming
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out. >> if you want someone to die, you run in front of the car and the car goes off the road. mark, you are a brainy person. have you ever thought about the morals of technology? isn't this disturbing? >> i'd like car that pumps its own gas and changes its own tires. >> you're dreaming. >> isn't this broadcasting to isis, we don't have to blow ourselves up, we can do it with the cars. >> oh, my gosh. that's terrifying. i think i would love a robot that could make all of my moral decisions for me. how great that would be. then you are not responsibility. the person making self-driving car woulds be defended.
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>> they only listen to ministry. all right, kat. are robots going take over the world and do you care? >> yes and i don't really care, no. it's okay. i mean it's all -- there could be more nice than regular people and i don't want to have to drive a car because i'm bad at it. >> in a weird way you put a robot in your mouth when you vape, right? >> yes, it's a mechanical device which gives me nicotine which will kill me, but it -- >> it's sad. >> not mutually exclusive. have you seen the lifetime channel? >> all right. we've learned nothing and e i'm prepared to learn less in the next block. >> katherine with the hardest hitting debate of all time next.
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good evening. and welcome to the seventh hour
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of the great debate. i'm your moderator bill oh riley. they revealed to "the new york times," an actual paper, the front-runner ordered a steak well done. so well done it was like a rock on a plate. we have joanne nosuchinsky and katherine timpf. you can applaud. >> some say it's in dikive of something. what is it? >> it's either that they're paranoid about bacteria. we don't need that. this proves he would approve carpet bombing. the yellow ones are the ones that would be carpet bombed. if you notice, greg, it's all
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the countries, even canada. what have you got against canada? >> i have a lot against canada, but we can't get it into here. joanne, is it possible trump doesn't like steak? >> it's not possible. he sold an incredible line of steaks liked by everyone. consider this. a very real even if it is gray. and a real survey found that 36% of americans found prefer well done hamburgers compared to 19% medium rare. so if if in anything, trump reflects the preferences of the people. >> and making meat great again. and cat, will a prt who makes eating rock hard beef appear great to other countries? >> it show ss a man afraid of blood. if you are afraid of blood, how can you defend a country and be able to fight isis. >> i have to jump in here, and if you have a tough piece of meat, it requires a strong
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chewichew ing by the mandle. >> and maybe trump of cooks all of the meat. >> and yes, the president does not have time for food poisoning, and i like mine well done, and that makes me just as great. >> and that is lie. she likes the steak medium rare and i can prove it. exhibit a. does that steak look well done the you, greg in >> cat, i have never seen you eat. >> i continue. >> and than knox the appetite depressant electronic cigaret cigarettes, i don't miss it. >> and that is clearly a ploy for an e-sig company to send you free products. >> well, okay. >> and a president who orders steak well done will no doubt lead to world war iii, and it is your choice, voters.
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blood in the steak or blood on your hands. >> there is knot mog conservative than avoiding rare meat. if you want a job well done, get a guy who orders the steak well donement thank you. >> all right. as usual, we have learned nothing from these two, and now i'm starving. don't go anywhere, audience, because the trivia is up next, and the greatest parting gift that you will ever see in the history of television is on the line. stick around.
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[ boss ] it is a very smart plan. so we're all on board? [ paul ] no. this is a stupid plan. hate drama? go to research. price. find. only helps you get the right car without all the drama. it's time for parting gifts.
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that is where the lucky audience members will get a mow men toe for their office from my greg gutfeld shshrine, and this is on of the best gifts ever, and it is a full box set of the "planet of the apes" tv series, and this is not the movie, but the tv series. it ran for one season, and it is three dvds, and i watched all of them and i never want to watch them again. so the question is, who was the guy yelling con spespiracy theo in the a-block, greg gut feld, donald trump, alex jones, all of the above? anybody. i'll give it to you sh, here yo go, sir. i don't want to e throw it, because if it hits you in the face, i get sued the third time this week. i don't even know if that is the right answer. because i thought that i yelled one, too. and this microphone is special to me, and i had it removed. or actually the emergency room
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had it removed. i fall on a lot of things. okay. next, this is the actual george w. bush doll. yes, you can hold it for now. what are you doing to it? anyway. which of these things did greg stack quote him saying in the confessional individuvideo, tim daily foot massage, and if you can't beat them, stalk them. i don't like the way my hair looks -- >> well, i will have to give it to her, because you had it in your hand anyway, and i don't believe i will be able to get it from you, because frankly, you frighten me. congratulations. last question, and this is interesting, because a lot of people don't real ize that ther are certain things in the show that end up not ending up in the show. and can you open this for me, sir. we were going to do a whole segment is on north korea, but we ran out of room, and this is a poster they made for me -- [ laughter ] -- all right. so the winner has to guess what
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that text says up there. it says, what does the korean text say in this propaganda poster say. greg is the tallest man i have ever seen. in unicorn we trust. greg is superior and likes baco bacon. >> greg is superior and likes bacon. >> so there you go. i will sign it for $400. i think that went well, right? [ applause ] quick program note. there is no show next weekend. it is easter weekend, and we will back on saturday april 2nd. thanks to mark mckinnon and dave navarro and catherine and kim. and i'm greg gutfeld, and i love you, america. only darkness everyday and not the [ bleep ] -- who run the world? >> girls.
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>> who run the world? >> girls. >> okay. let's do it again. >> baby make your booty go -- okay. sorry i think tom shillue. let's check out what exciting stories we'll be discussing this evening. >> thanks. coming up on the big show. white sox slugger adam laroche walked away from $13 million after the team tells him he needs to stop bringing his 14-year-old son to work with him every day. i guess he wants to spend the exact same amount of time with the family. tom shillue will be here. finally a


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