when you want to. having what you want on the network you rely on. that's powerful. verizon. upgrade to the new moto x by motorola with zero down payment. welcome to the "red eye." thank you. choking on a wonder woman action figure. there's no pre-game report. let's welcome some people i like to call death. at least so hot that volcanos throw death into her. feeling in for andy world renown russian hand model, yuri. he's the only person to have modelled his and hers wedding
bands in the same catalog. amazing. if commentary was an addict, isd fill him with all my junk. he's a writer and also street carnage.com. hi. oh, yeah. his book "the death of cool" is now available in paper back. thank you. should the lesson involve a smith and wesson? teachers in arkansas, aren't that all, will be armed with more than knowledge in science and junk. a state board has voted to allow 13 school districts to continue using educators and staff as gun toting guards for two more years. the program had been paused after the attorney general claimed law allowing armed security on campus wasn't meant
for public schools but now teachers can lock and they can load. they received a stipends to buy firearms and 53 hours of training plus a carl's jr. gift certificate. it's the cheapest option to protect the children. are we doing enough, generally? >> come here. come here. guns, schools, an interesting mix. i bet you're totally against this as parent? >> no. i'm capable of counter intuitive thought. if someone says more guns equal
less crime. i go that's unusual. are you sure? okay. i looked into it, got it. liberals are not capable of this. there's been a lot of shootings in gun free zones, how about we put some guns in there. no, then there will be more shootings. then you can say that zuchinnis are made by the government and getting v inting vaccination sh wrong. they can handle that. they're just like guns are bad. >> that was an interesting impression. >> interesting mean offensive. >> because that was. welcome to the show. glad you're here. you got out of teaching because you despise children. >> of course. >> yet, you love guns? >> yeah. >> this must put you in a weird place.
not really a question. >> i don't know where you're going with this. >> i want your opinion. >> it makes total sense. i agreed with everything that gavin said. i think it's cost-efficient. you would say bring in some law enforcement people and a private security firm. it's much less cheaper if you have the people already in the bi building serving this dual purpose. >> do you think this is an overreaction. yes or no. >> maybe. >> good enough for me. >> coming up -- >> it's two separate issues whether it's legal or if it's a good thing. it does seem under arkansas law it's not legal. they have a law saying it's
prohibit on school grounds exception for licenses security guards, which these teachers aren't. i get that it's cheaper from the school's point of view to train teachers rather than hire private security but isn't there a point if they had security people dedicated rather than having people try to fulfill dual rules. >> ill rather have people from the outside come in but i can't dictate that to a public school. >> i can. >> he does it all the time. >> if they come to me, i will dictate it. >> you can pass anything you want. you can invade the middle east if someone had a picture of a dead child. >> an interesting point. >> we are almost ready to do that. >> bill, you're against guns anywhere because you know how badly any decent peaceful people would use them to shoot you in the face. >> i don't recall saying any of
that. >> isn't that the preface in the green room you were saying. >> don't really care about guns. don't really care about kids. arkansas, on the fence. in the wake of sandy, nra's argument is this is rare. this never happens. if they do happen, they're going down. the one thing that is going up is unintentional shootings. from 2005 to 2010, 6,000 people were died and injured. >> were died. >> were died in the wool conservative. if you let me finish my sentence. by my mind, that would mean in every classroom you've got a gun. i would assume there would be more instances of people getting shot if every teacher was armed. >> 6,000 people out of 300 million people. >> it's still a lot more school
shootings. >> you're talking a fraction of a tenth. >> have you seen 6,000 people dead? i have and it's frightening. >> it was sandy hook not sandy. >> i shortened it. >> the guns are locked away. the teachers aren't carrying weapons in classrooms. they are locked away and in case of emergency the teachers would be train and unlock the weapon. >> you're saying that all the unintentional shootings between 2005 and 2010 is from guns that weren't locked. >> imagine if the guns were locked. >> kids are smart about that stuff. >> remember he's using six years to get those statistics. >> i'm comparing it to school shootings. >> that's what they do. they amass these stats. >> you say there's 6,000 dead babies. you like that. you want that to happen. >> the other thing is you can have air marshals on planes.
i don't know why you don't have them in schools if there's more shootings than hijackings and the key variable is time it takes to get a second gun to where an assault takes place. second gun is already there. that shortens the amount of time. i think it's time to move on. from a license to kill to a license to drive. should undocumented get the keys to ford. the california legislature passed a bill that authorizes the state to issue licenses to illegal immigrants. governor jerry brown says he'll sign the bill meaning two million people in california will be allowed to legally drive if they have the proper id to apply for their license. the license says it's for driving purposes only.
supporters say because un undocuments immigrants will have to pass the license. roads will be safer if you get my cousin carl off of them. look look good, carl. see you soon. how can you be in the country illegal and have the proper documentation necessary to get a license? i'm not smart enough to figure this out. i am stupid. >> this is the natural progression of things. people have broken the law and we're saying you can still live here and work here. now we're working on immigration reform. we're not going to send you back from where you came. people are saying they need to get to their jobs. they need to live their normal lives. how do they do that? they need a license. we're just going to designate that they are not a citizen.
the next step is please, ma'am say that's discriminatory because they will be prevented from getting jobs or housing. now they have this sticker that will make us different. this will keep going and going until people who broken the law are treated the same way as people who haven't. >> the legislature who proposed this bill said he wanted a much smaller thing on the license but jerry brown would veto it. he wanted something bigger. that's what they want is no designation. >> gavin. i have a feeling you're for this as well. >> you do. i'm 0-2. $12,000 trying to get citizenship here and going through three different visas and a green card and having to marry an american and make love
to her. i still don't have citizenship. when i see all these other people get rewarded for breaking the law, it tells me i shouldn't follow the law. i think politicians are doing it because they want more voters. i think that's a myth that they are going to get their driver's license and go vote. they're not going to vote for you. the only thing illegal aliens do is smoke tons of pot and if they get big money, buy an atv. >> you mean atv or a tv? >> tvs are cheap. an atv is like four grand. >> do you think they will have licenses for the atv. >> i don't have a license, andy.
here's my theory. this is a trick by governor brown to get them to sign up to deport them back to belgium. >> that is probably, completely not true. >> really. >> we can't call them illegals if they are here illegally, but we can call them undocumented even though we're giving them documents now. it makes no sense. it used to be when you went to the california dmv they had to put your social security or a federal tax number. they're ae amending the law to say a number that the didn't finds. >> that could be the number on your starbucks gift card. >> as long as the person at the dmv says that's okay with me. >> that's awesome. i have four stamps on my subway card. that could get me a license. >> there's a new term of post-undocumented worker is a sneaky mexican. >> that's terrible.
>> it's not me. what's what people are saying. >> that's a friend of his sneak e. mexican. >> they won't accept arby's third dumpster from the left. >> the california police association supports this bill so i guess you guys hate cops. second of all, i would much rather have an illegal immigrant driving on the road rather than the real problem, the emmanuel lewis's of the world. if you can't see over the dashboard, you shouldn't have a license. you get nowhere near that atv, little you. >> all right. i don't have an answer for that. i didn't expect to be attacked. now i guess i know what it feels like to be marginalized and maybe it will change my mind the way i think about other people.
i doubt it. >> our roads are no safe because of it. >> there's no yellow bricks here. >> thank you. we have asphalt. he took her to school by playing the cool. a utah dad was tired of his teen's daughter overly ofly short shorts. he talk her a lesson by dawning his own. he cut up old jeans to correct these adorable cut offs and wore them on a family night out to show daughter miley that the micro shorts she insisted on wearing quote, weren't as cute as she thinks. in our family, we have pretty definite modesty guidelines. i'm a firm believer that the way we dress sends messages about us and it influences the way we and others act. that's quite, quite eloquent. i'm that way with my house boys. may they rest in peace.
how's the family dog handling all this? ♪ >> oh, my god. >> he sold out three shows in brookl brooklyn. >> look at her. just animal and saturday night fever over here. >> you're insane. gavin, you're the only person that has children, real children. how badly will you embarrass them. is this too far to go? this is like obama said he would get tattoos if his kids got them. if you're that easily thwarted from your tiny shorts, you're not committed. my dad is a human shaming
machine. it didn't work because i was committed. >> he did stand up naked. >> that's a visual. >> i have issues. >> you have issues. >> i barely remember that night. i was the nude guy and everyone who had issues had a problem and the rest of us went on with our lives. >> you've got a lot to work with. >> google. >> that's one of the downsides. this is a saturday show. edit that out. the weird thing about the dad doing it is he looked really good. in a way he's encouraging men to dress like that rather than discouraging women. >> i thought he had nice legs. you guys are a bunch of haters. they weren't that short. kids don't learn lessons like there. what his daughter will do is just wear really long shorts and
ro roll up her baby dukes in a bag and switch her shorts. >> what's the next step? he's going to wear a bikini out. >> you sound like you're speaking from experience. >> i would never do that, mom. >> i don't know why they're called daisy dukes. >> it might have to do something with the character from the dukes of hazzard. >> you just cut me off from a joke. i was going to link it to david duke. >> how were you going to do that? that's quite a leap. >> we'll talk about that in the post show online. we really don't do that. is this often what you wear when you go shopping for cat toys on the weekend. you don't see this as much of a problem. >> i'm going to read what i wrote. i'm not a parent so it's possible i don't know what i'm talking about. why can't the dad say you're not leaving with those shorts on.
is that a problem? he said we have pretty definite modesty guidelines. no, we don't because if you did your daughter wouldn't have pair of shorts that short or wear them. he says my teenage daughter wears clothing that i feel is inproerpt and immodesty then you don't have modesty guidelines. >> as a parent there's this slut title wave going on like these monster high dolls where they have, the dolls have stilletos and they look like prostituted and even the halloween customs they want to dress like monster high and it's shocking how bad they look. >> i'm going to look out for the k costumes. >> i believe they're called bratz. if you want one i'm about to pass it right now.
sgr i thi >> i think we'll take a break. >> i have stuff to contribute. >> you have 30 seconds. >> i tried to do the same thing with my daughter jamarcus. he was cut, embarrassing. another story. it doesn't work. the more you try to humiliate them the more they'll do it any way. wise up, dad. >> coming up, are hobbies important? i play chess in the park with a raccoon named bitey. first, should people like tom hanks serve on jury duty. should jury duty serve on people like tom hanks? think about it. vo: two years of grad school. 20 years with the company. thousands of presentations. and one rd earned partnership.
it took a lot of work to get this far. so now i'm supposed to take a back seat when it comes to my investments? there's zero chance of that happening. avo: when you work with a schwab financial consultant, you'll get the guidance you need with the control you want. talk to us today. [ crisp crunches ] whoo-hoo-hoo!
guess it was. [ male announcer ] pringles, bursting with more flavor. so, i'm working on a cistern intake valve, and the guy hands me a locknut wrench. no way! i'm like, what is this, a drainpipe slipknot? wherever your business takes you, you can save money with progressive commercial auto. [ sighs ] [ flo speaking japanese ] [ shouting in japanese ] we work wherever you work. now, that's progressive. call or click today.
should a familiar face be put on case. an alleged beater walked out with a $150 fine rather than a year in jail all thanks to tom ma hanks who probably found it funny. a rookie attorney told him how awesome she thought she was. the defense found out and asked for a hearing to prove misconduct which led to a quick plea deal. listen and be outraged. >> she made contact with mr. hanks in the stairwell of the building and came up to him and said that she thanked him and that how impressed everyone is that such a celebrity would
still be here serving jury duty. it's a 100% no no and should never have happened. >> totally. once the trial ended hanks returned to the production of his new movie seen here. hanks spent six months among iguanas to see what their actions are like. are you okay there? >> it's unreal. ent >> she's having a seizure now. >> was it the court's fault for
picking tom hanks or was it tom hank's fault for being tom hanks? >> it was neither. he is still a regular person. this attorney should know better than to do that. did she go to law school. doesn't she know she's not supposed to approach him. i'm till trying to figure out what he was impressed with. he sat there likefully of us would do and did absolutely nothing. >> he's just like us. >> if i should to do it, he should have to do it. >> i disagree. the concept of becoming a celebrity is so that you don't have to do things like pedestrian losers like loandy. >> i don't think he should do it because he's a child
pornographer. have you seen "big?" that woman is undoing her bra and he's 11. i'm watching and my kid is going okay. the child rape scene. it's a disgusting film. >> i haven't seen "big." >> don't watch it. it will depress you. >> i get it because i'm small. wasn't jury duty made for someone like you who has nothing going on in his life. not for an oscar winning national treasure. >> i disagree. i think only celebrities should be allowed. they are better than us. they are smarter than us. they prover they know what's best for us. they should decide people's fate. not ordinary people like us. we don't know what we're doing. >> it's fair point. you've almost convinced me.
bill, does this hope a celebrity will be on your jury when you're brought up on charges of sucking. >> that's illegal. i hate tom hanks. i hate him for the reason that everyone loves pim high pressure he's still married. he's a national treasure. he's a 21st century jimmy stewart. i hate him for all those reasons and he walks around with his glasses. he exudes the fact he knows america loves him. i hope he serves on nine million jury duties and i hope they are terrible and he's there forever and and shaving ryan's privates are terrible. >> none of the things you hate him are criticism. >> i like things that suck and if that's illegal then put me away. seriously, i could use a roof
over my head. >> he's a homeless, sad little man. >> the european parliament will limit the amount of food crops for bio fuel -- we're not going to do that story. what's the ugliest animal on the planet? the story the lame stream media doesn't want you to know. @?? [ male announcer ] has your phone turned you into a control freak? like, scoring the perfect table? ♪
or getting a better seat? ♪ or let's say there's an accident. if you he esurance, you can use their mobile app to start a claim... upload a few photos... anget your money fast. maybe that doesn't make you a control freak. more like a control enthusiast. esurance. insurance for the modern world. now backed by allstate. click or call. [ steam hisses ] actually... guys! [ female announcer ] ...it can. introducing swiffer steamboost powered by bissell. it gets the dirt that mops can leave behind with steam-activated cleaning pads that break down dirt and lock it away. how did you get this floor so clean? ♪ steamboost, sir! [ female announcer ] new swiffer steamboost powered by bissell. not just clean, steamboost clean.
jeffrey allen wagner was a little known candidate for the mayor of minneapolis which is in denver. he became a lot known after releasing this ad. >> a minneapolis mayor that really represents the people. >> over a million dollars to expect to become the mayor of minneapolis. a 100,000 there are a year job. you're not the ones deciding who you vote for the i am cool with making $100,000 a year. i will not take money from the developers. i will not take money from the political angle. i will not even go to the strip clubs anymore.
wake the [ bleep ] up. >> where did he come from? >> lightning round. i have no idea what i said now. gavin, you make advertisements for a living. >> it appealed to me. also we have that democratic mayor. he got elected because his son is cool and black so he had the black lady in there. he's got everyone. red necks, black people, women, people who hate politics. >> i hate that he's tall.
that's how he won. during the debate in new york everybody had to look up to him. >> interesting. >> while we're watching that ad you murmured come to mama. explain. >> that was bill. >> i said i miss my llama. >> i think the dude's brilliant. i don't think he's running for office. i think he wanted a tv show and look he's on this show now. i think it's a job well done. >> he's running from his demons. >> trying to get a show or become a celebrity what better way to do it than friend like you want to be a politician and put out a crazy ad. >> what do you make of the production value of the spot? you're a nerd. >> it wasn't bad. there was too much matte sound as we say in the business but there wasn't a good place to put
up a mike on him. you put a lot of things on the sfwhe internet and you watch it and it's like whatever. this was legitimately fantastic. there are like 35 or 37 people running for mayor in minneapolis. >> really? >> yes. i'm guessing there are 35 people or 34 people that nobody knows and him. >> exactly. >> he jumped to the front of the pack. he said he's cool with making 130,000 there are a year which is more than you make. have you considered moving there or killing yourself? >> i'm considering moving there. i did not know what was going on. the edits. she's in the camera and then she's gone. it looks like he forgot to shave here because he lives in the swamp. i'm assuming he's trying to show
off the fact that he got a swimmer's physique and that's what goes for a good body in minneapolis. i don't know what was going on. i know that at some point i had hot flashes and dreamed that and i woke up screaming. >> he's walking the wrong way and the camera is in the wrong spot. >> it was wrong. i'm shaken and yet i kind of want to hang out with him. >> he had the guy at the bar voice. i felt like he was like, yeah. and that's what happened. that's not from a jet. that's the government trying to steal your thoughts and make them into food. >> that's a pretty good imitation of me. >> as you age, the less they
rage. hangovers that is. older people are less likely to report feelings of boozeing nights. i think i'm getting a little tired. researchers in denmark think it's because older tipplers drink less or better at curving symptoms. gavin, would it be that old and young experience the same amount of hangover symptoms but the young people are wusses at dealing with it? >> no. us old people with children get up at 6:00 many the morning. by 11:00 we feel like we're wearing 30 parkas made of led. we can't catch up with you youngsters. the view times i have tried and drank till 1:00 a.m., the hangover the next day is so brutal that you leave your body
and you talk to jesus above the toilet and he says stuff like, i'm busy. i have africa and bangladesh right now. i can't be dealing with your hangover and you're crying and begging for anything and he leaves and you bring him back and ruin his whole day. then that's first day. the next day you're still hungover. this is obviously about taking less alcohol. i've taken the same amount of alcohol as young people and it is aged. >> do you think the old people lied on this survey? >> i think the healthier you are, the more your body feels stuff like this. i think younger people are healthier than older people. >> that's ageist. >> you're a racist. bigot. >> you have pattern of this and do i think it for your whole life, it feels normal to your
body, and it doesn't feel like poison. if you're a young person and your healthy. it's like a healthy person who eats well and then eats mcdonald's, you feel like death. if you've been eating it your whole life, it's normal. >> young people at noon are like whoa, let's do it again. >> noon hasn't even begun. you'll have lunch at 4:00. i was still wasted. here we go. >> andy you don't venture out into the world much so you probably don't have anything to say. >> this story isn't true. i have to have no plans the next day if i'm going to be go out drinking. i can't drink bourbon anymore.
i have to drink vodka. it's really annoying. i'm not going to go out an be around other people when i'm sober. if i can't drink that much, i'm not going out. >> bill you have an antecdote that disproves this. >> yes, my ears. i think we are the greatest generation because we feel like you do but you guys so much whine about the headaches and the sweating. we just shut up an take it. we are the real heroes. >> my hangovers, i call greatovers because i feel awesome. i feel great in the morning. i can go to the gym. >> the worst hangover in my life was after partying with bill. i felt so horrible.
i didn't know my body could expand. >> did you have heart palpitatio palpitatio palpitations? >> yeah. i'm not exaggerating. >> that's the hangover when you're constantly moving your body around. you lie on your side and go maybe this will work. >> i think i cried. she doesn't go oh, my angel. it's like get away from me. i wanted to have a bad day. that is the dream. you can get snuck a methadone
clinic. we can't find your vein. this has never happened. >> we have to take a break. you know what cures my hangover, you buying my book. the best book with the words joy an hate in it. [ male announcer ] nobody knows where or when the next powerful storm is going to hit... but it will... that's why there's a new duracell battery. introducing duracell quantum. with its high density core, it's a quantum leap in battery power. the next storm is out there. but so are the heroes. so we're giving a million duracell quantum to first responders everywhere. power. in the hands of the most powerful. duracell. trusted everywhere.
[ babies crying ] surprise -- your house was built on an ancient burial ground. [ ghosts moaning ] surprise -- your car needs a new transmission. [ coyote howls ] how about no more surprises? now you can get all the online trading tools you need without any surprise fees. ♪ it's not rocket science. it's just common sense. from td ameritrade.
it's just common sense. as soon as you feelon it, try miralax. it works differently than other laxatives. it draws water into your colon to unblock your system naturally. don't wait to feel great. miralax. see these hands? they gripped the wheel of a humvee in afghanistan. these hands? they're here for the person who fought in afghanistan. confidential help is just a call, click or text away.
occurrences like an asteroid hitting the earth. many of them will manmade like intelligence developing a mind of its own. the greatest four of all, another democratic president. the scientists fail to mention the bear threat. somebody should out law glass. which scenario sounds the likeliest to you? >> i think robots are the biggest fear. i think a lot of americans don't understand how simple it is to deal with some sort of robot zombie threat.
you sort of go i don't see what the problem is and you act vulnerable add they come and you go, oh, and then it gets them up an they're like what the, when they go, arg, grab their head. robot zombie and then just keep pounding until their head jam and go get out of here. we have to go and then everyone runs. >> good point. >> why would they do that. >> your wife goes oh, angel. >> oh, my angel you've overindulged. >> i hope someone was just ta n turning this show on and with the things the robot seds. >> he goes, i gez you're going
to eat me. you go in its mouth and hold the mouth open and trigger its gag reflex. you hold it and then he goes, he spits you out. we have to move, move. >> this is the book you need to write. you can write this book. >> you were to tell them you're going to attack them. >> this only difference between you and then is a venereal disease. >> what is going on? >> i don't know. i don't have anymore questions. you have anymore thoughts. >> i just hope it doesn't look like terminator two. i hope they are vampires because they're kind of hot. >> i hope he doesn't look like
eddie furlong. s s >> how is he alive? >> don't mind at all. i'm going with nanobot pandemic. there will be swarms and we won't be able to see them. that's where you find fight them. they will fly in your ears and your mouth in every orifice and will liquidfy and they're too shawl. there's too many of them. >> you can come back to me and i can say stick around. machine
i'm sorry for your loss. still doesn't feel real. our time together was... so short. well, since you had progressive's total loss coverage, we were able to replace your totaled bike with a brand-new one. the tank, the exhaust... well, she looks just like roxy! you know, i'll bet she's in a better place now. i'm sure she is. [ ethereal music plays ] [ motorcycle revving ] getting you back on a brand-new bike. now, that's progressive.
there are too many people trying to save cute animals they get the press and attention, ugly animals are more deserving than cute animals. i wrote that in my book, you jerk about the turkey vulture. >> they claim panda gets too much attention. do you agree? >> a agree. it's a thing, they go, you know you see a baby seal. i hear the words "don't kill me because i have big eyes". >> yes. >> the snake population in china being devastated by drinks they concoct and i love the blob fish. i love blobz in fact, i have a tattoo that says blobs. >> that is a spill. >> i love blobs. >> you love cute things i. >> do. >> i don't think he's ugly. i think it looks like charlie
brown with a squashed face. come on. big eyes and looks like a brownie. >> he looks like dick morris after the last election. >> a particularly bad one. >> that is an unfortunate example. >> look at him. he was probably super happy and they took that photo after they told him he was number one ugliest. >> poor thing. >> i'm just minding my own... >> i think blob fish, you're great. >> i would like, that is so ugly i thought it was a bull dog. can i share the picture of the monkey sni don't think it looks like half of the nose. i don't understand that. >> self hater. >> you would if we had a better picture you'd see the really big nose and i'm
jewish. >> i apologize to other jew that's don't hate them self autos yet. >> bill you're an ugly animal. not a question, just something for you to be aware of. can we focus? pandas? sexy. artist rendering right here. >> there we go. >> leopards, sexier. can i get a little? do you what is sexier than female leopards? male ones. there we go. i have to say this for legal reasons, artist rendering. we've got to go. i think we have to go. right? you just told me we had to leave. >> i have more animal friends. >> you have more animals? >> no. i don't. >> all right. well, i think we've learned a lot tonight. >> very little about you. learned nothing about you because we didn't talk to you. for that, i apologize. i burned up a few seconds there. thank you that, does it for me,
i'm greg gutfeld and i will stare you at. the day we rescued riley was a truly amazing day. he was a matted mess in a small cage. so that was our first task, was getting him to wellness. without angie's list, i don't know if we could have found all the services we needed for our riley. from contractors and doctors to dog sitters and landscapers, you can find it all on angie's list.
car insurance companies say they'll save you by switching, you'd have, like, a ton of dollars. but how are they saving you those dollars? a lot of companies might answer "um" or "no comment." then there's esurance. born online, raised by technology and majors in efficiency. so whatever they save, you save.