tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 28, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MDT
always exciting picture of the day. >> all right, take a look at this. it says us government property, no trespassing. now the only way you'd trespass is if you can't read, and apparently these guys can't read. >> or they can and they're just ignoring the skies. >> that's true too. >> they know no one is going mess with them. thanks for watching, the late captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? >> oh, no. oh, no. oh, no! no! no! no! oh, another perfect show.
this ends today, car carey. >> what are you doing here? >> don't you yodely guy me. you find it so amusing marching me up the mountain every day and over the side to my death just because somebody doesn't know the price of canned tuna? what kind of sick bastard are you? >> calm down. put down the pick axe. >> stephen: i'll put it down in your skull. >> you're mad. >> stephen: oh, yeah when i'm a lean cuisine frozen dinner. >> $6. >> stephen: sorry. force of habit. >> stephen: the next miewnt of mountain i'm going to summit is your rotting corpse. >> what are we doing? we've been through so much together. look, i can put a price on toothpaste. i can put a price on frozen
>> stephen: $48. >> let's find out. ( buzzer ) oh! >> stephen: i'll get you, drew carey, you sick bastard! i'll see you in hell! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes drew carey. claire foy and matt smith. and comedian bastian maniscalco. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody!
thank you very much. >> jon: hey! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much. chris. what's up, mark? welcome to the "late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. with all the excitement of the presidential election, we haven't been focusing on what congress has been up to. so let me bring you up to speed: nothing. and we're really feelingll that the supreme court is back in session with only eight justices after the passing of antonin scalia. for a record seven months, republicans have refused to even grant a hearing to obama's pick, merrick garland. and even if they did, he'd still be a long shot, because now he's got a seven-month gap on his resume to explain. they've been saying obama shouldn't get to pick because he's a lame duck. we should wait for the next president. but wednesday, ted cruz suggested that "the g.o.p. may
indefinitely," adding, "there is certainly long historical precedent for a supreme court with fewer justices." that is true. just 238 years ago, we had zero justices. ( applause ) i mean, we've had-- it's true. fact check it. you can fact check that. i mean, we've had nine justices for the last 147 years, but ted cruz is in a bad mood, so do we really need three branches government anymore? ( laughter ) if no new justices are confirmed, the fact is, the grim reaper will eventually have the majority vote. so to stabilize the court, clearly, we need to appoint supreme court justices who live forever, like justice galapagos turtle, justice redwood, and justice ruth bader ginsborg.
resistance is futile. some amazing news from the animal kingdom. researchers have discovered that "the louder a howler monkey is, the smaller its testicles are." and if the testicles are really small, the monkey puts his name on buildings and runs for president. ( cheers and applause ) and i gotta say, i is a sign of small testicles, i just want to say to the researchers, congratulations on this amazing discovery. there is some lesser news, smaller, more fun kind of stories out there, like this one. russia is preparing for nuclear war. they must have seen the cubs in the world series and realized the end is near. russian state tv just released
nuclear preparedness drill involving 40 million citizens. do they know something we don't? should i spend the weekend making jerky? because it's not just drills. two weeks ago, st. petersburg approved a plan to store enough grain to provide bread to each city resident for 20 days. and there's no better way to reassure the public than with the message, "you'll be around for almost three weeks. now, enjoy a hearty bread sandwich!" the war hysteria is being stoked by russian tv, evidently, which earlier this month warned citizens that: "schizophrenics from america are sharpening nuclear weapons for moscow." yeah, we're sharpening our nuclear warheads, so in case we lose the launch codes, we can shiv you in the showers with them. and russia isn't just playing defense. they recently unveiled a nuclear weapon called the rs-28 sarmat
pet name "the satan 2." really, russia? did you already have a "satan 1?" and you couldn't come up with a better name than "satan 2: satan harder?" here are some better ones. how about the "thunder fister?" or something truly terrifying, "the samsung galaxy note 7." ( applause ) but russia still has time for science. because a russian expedition just discovered a secret nazi military base near the north pole. the outpost was called schatzgraber, which is german for "treasure hunter," and not the thing donald trump bragged about. ( laughter ) the north pole base was constructed as a weather station which provided such valuable arctic weather reports as "it is we're freezing our schnitzels
base was abandoned after just one year because "the staff was poisoned by eating raw polar bear meat contaminated with roundworms." how many times do i have to say it: cook your polar bear meat! it's not furry sushi. but there's an even bigger revelation-- i've said it to you many times. but there's an even bigger revelation about the story. a nazi base near the north pole? that can only mean one thing-- santa is a secret nazi! think about it. hear me out here. it's possible. he's named klaus. he wears shiny boots. need more proof? i don't have any. ( laughter ) and i don't want to believe this about my beloved santa, so here to address these allegations is kris kringle himself. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome santa claus. ( cheers and applause ) please, right here, santa.
but there are some nasty rumors out there that you are secretly a nazi. can you put our minds at ease? >> lies! all lies! i am the sweet old man you know and love from your childhood. >> stephen: well, that's what i was hoping to hear. i gotta say, i can't place that accent. what is that? >> it's a north pole accent. >> stephen: you know, your time little hazy. how exactly did you come to live at the north pole? >> it was in 1946. i come up here for a vacation, and i see all this beautiful land near the pole, and i say, "i must annex pole land!" ( laughter ) is there okay, that add up. that as up. i'm so relieved, santa. and now every christmas--
bringing presents for the good children all around the ganse velt! >> santa claus, thank you for being here. santa claus, everybody. >> make america great again! say hi to jon batiste. we've got a great show for you. and when we return, i will be buck naked. stick around. ? ? ? advil liqui - gels work so fast you'll ask what bad back? what pulled hammy? advil liqui - gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the show. those of you watching before the commercial break, i did yell into the camera when we came back from the commercial break i would be buck naked, and that was a typo. i want to apologize. i'm actually going to be buck naked on our live election night show on showtime, where i legally can be buck naked. please join us. ( cheers and applause ) yeah.
but not aroused. not aroused, but buck naked. ( laughter ) those are the rules. welcome to my world. jon, i understand you have a very special guest with the band tonight. i'm very excited she's here. tell everybody hois here. >> jon: yes, indeed, we have the lovely and talented aimee mann. >> bless you. again. thanks for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: you know i'm a big fan. and you're doing a sock for the web tonight and it's called "can't you tell." >> yeah. >> stephen: what's the background of the song? how did the song come about? >> it's the 30 songs in 30 days. it's a dave eggers project, and he had different artists write their version of an anti-trump song. >> stephen: uh-huh. yeah. >> and my version is-- because i like to write introspective
viewpoint. >> stephen: yeah. >> so it's in the first person. and i sort of feel like there was an aspect to trump where he wants to win? but kind of maybe thinks he's running for king rather than president. like he doesn't really want the job necessarily. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so i sort of took that emprisand wrote the?? song about that. >> stephen: well, it's a beautiful song, and it really gets to the heart of his. >> craziness. >> stephen: yeah, great minds think alike about crazy people. ( laughter ) all right. well, folks you know my first guest tonight from the "the drew carey show," and "whose line is it anyway?." 10 years ago this man took over from bob barker as the host of "the price is right." now it's celebrating 45 years on the air. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome drew carey.
( applause i >> wearing -- >> that was some nice physical comedy you can right there. >> new shoes tonight. and they have a very slippery floor. >> stephen: mine are rubberized. >> you almost had a lawsuit on your hand. >> stephen: do you want to own the building? i wouldn't mind a new landlord. that would be nice. welcome and congratulations. you're coming up on your tenth year as host. >> stephen: extraordinary. even more congratulations. congratulations to cleveland because you're mr. cleveland and they've had an amazing sports year. >> i'm so happy. this is a good sports year. the caves won the n.b.a. championship. the indians have a chance to win the world series. i own a soccer team, and they have a chance-- the game will be over by the time you see this-- hopefully we have a chance to win the championship.
those three things happens-- indians champions and the browns. >> stephen: they're 0-7 right now. >> the browns cannot win any game this year or they'll ruin the whole season for everybody. >> stephen: have you been watching the series so far? >> yeah, yeah, very excite gld this is actually-- we're actually taping this before the game in chicago tonight. are you going to go to any of the games? >> if it goes to six and seven i i'd rather be here than be at a world series game. >> stephen: same here, drew. you're awfully sweet. >> yeah. they says, "would you rather go to a world series things, this once-in-a-lifetime thing or go to new york and coa promo?" i said i'd rather go to new york. >> stephen: people at home who are at home and eating dry toast and drinking ginger ale because
the morning. it's 11:30 at night. kids must say i watch you when i'm home sick from school. that's when i first saw "the price is right." >> when i was first offered the show i thought that was all that happened. they said do you want to the show? and i said, "the old man show that people only watch when they're sick. no thanks." and i turned them down flat when they asked me. i was doing another night time game show on cbs and after the show got picked up it took having another meeting to do the show. they explained who is watching it. it's not just sick people. it's stoners. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you run the gamut from the sick to the stoned. >> exactly. >> stephen: did you watch it growing up? >> no, i watched it when i was sick. >> stephen: i loved "the price is right" because i knew if i was watching it, that mean mom bought whatever i was selling her, you know. she believe they had didn't feel well. >> it got to be really popular--
when i went to college it started out as an hour-long show and was popular. i used to watch it. i never watched it when i was a kid because i was never around. in college i watched it between classes. a lot of people don't know this, but when i was in college i scheduled one whole season of classes around "the gong show." that's what kind of freak i was. "the gong show "and daytime game shows were more important for me an i won't go to that one. i guess i'll change my major. >> stephen: you called "the price is right" a calling marine job. what do you mean a calling? >> i have said that to people. i feel like everything i have done in my life has prepared me to be the host of "the price is right." all my stand-up experience, all my improv experience, the idea that i hosted another show, you know, "whose line is it anyway?," i had hosting experience. and also the fact that i was
my 30s makes me appreciate everything i'm doing. when a game show gives away at night time $100,000, it seems blah have a. and when you give away $2,000 and that's all they win, they're still excited and i'm excited for them. i used to be completely broke and i know how valuable $2,000 is. all that stuff prepared me to empathize with people and do a good job as a host. i feel like it's a calling. >> stephen: you're a buddhist, right? >> yeah, yeah. >.>> stephen: i did not know producers told me beforehand. how does buddhism help you in your job? >> it's weird being a buddhism and being host of "the price is right" because one of the key thungz about buddhism is not have attachments to things or want things. >> stephen: material possessions. >> yes. a lot of times i'm talk to somebody in the audience and i go, "what do you do? and they go, "i'm a minister." and i say you have a nice sermon on the folly of wanting material
? ? 23rd times the charm. shhh. (clink) boom. yes! 23rd time is the charm, cliff. yea, you showed me. yes, you did. (shelly thinking) this must be how odell beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. touchdown! odell beckham jr. (crowd noise) (odell thinking) this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. ? ?
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it gets worse. coffman said he would support donald trump for president. and that's all we really need to know. dccc is responsible for the content of this advertising. >> everybody. we're back with drew carey. i have a beef with you. i have a comedy beef with you. >> really? >> >> stephen: yes. for many years as the people out there know, and ( cheers and applause ) as you mentioned before you were the host of "whose line is it anyway?." i was very happy, very honored that you guys asked me to come on many years ago, like, 200 and-- and 2000, plaib.
that is nice of you to say. diimprovisation before then in chicago. i said i just have one request. i just have one request. please, i'll do anything. don't ask me to rap because, like, white guy rapping, like white guy rapping, i just-- i can't do it. and i-- >> it's fun to watch. >> stephen: it is. agonizing to do. fun to watch. and so have a really great time. and the very last thing i did was entire-- i think we shot two sitting. you're like, "all right, let's do a rap. stephen, why don't you get up on stage." and i was like damn it! >> you know, i had nothing to do with that. that's all dan patterson and the production crew. they're the ones who did that. >> stephen: you tell them to go to hell. >> i will. i think at the end of the show, the band you have a special guest-- maybe do a rap with the band. >> stephen: of two of us? >> if you want me to. >> stephen: you'll bet.
>> give me a beat! >> stephen: exactly. now i've got a couple of questions here. >> sure. >> stephen: because my graphics department here-- >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: they're absolutely addicted. >> so, they're addicted because during the day, they're doing graphics and they have the tv on the in background when they're supposed to be working. >> stephen: that's exactly right. they're working like they consider you a member of the graphics department. >> well -- >> because you're there every day. i have some rapid-fire questions here they need to know because they're really curious about "describe the tension of the spinning wheel. how hard is it to spin?" >> uh, it's actually a lot heavier than people think it is because it's made out of wood, plywood. if you ever see, like, a really old lady or something like that, that distribute have a?? lot of? strength they're almost the perfect spinners if they go first because they can get it around once. >> stephen: how of "how often do you get hurt from
"you must get tired of getting picked up." i love it. only one time, i think the second or third season, a woman kicked me in the nuts. it wasn't a full-on. it was more like a love-tap kind of thing. it was one of those "pay attention" ones you get once in a while. >> stephen: and the guys and the girls in graphics have a theory about plirchgo. their theory is if you drop the the plinko sign ryou more likely to win $10,000?" >> my theor seyou should drop it from the from and the dot of the "i--" if you're looking at it-- is off to the left a little bit so you want to drop it where the break in the "n" is on the bottom. you want to drop it there. it's in the middle if i was playing pinko, i would crop it there. i wouldn't shove it or spin it. i would thereto drop from the middle. that to me has the best chance
>> stephen: that's professional advice right there. >> straight for the horse. straight for the horse. >> stephen: lastly, we here lover "the price is right." we love "the price is right" theme song. we believe the "the price is right" theme song can make anything happy. >> i actually. >> when get up in the morning, when i brush my teeth and stuff, it's playing in my head ? i'm getting ready for work ? >> stephen: we will prove it can make anything happen pewe we have a couple loaded up here. this is the first example of how "the price is right" theme song can make any moment happy. jim. ? ? ?
do you want to do one? >> is that the only one you have? >> stephen: no, no, we have another. would you like to call for one? >> what's his name? jim, put up another one. this is funny. >> what is it! no, not the bees! not the bees! aaahhh! ? ? ? >> stephen: okay, as long as i got you here, i've got one more, the one i've we've been doing this for a while but this is my favorite one. this is special to me and i hope you don't mind if we do one more. >> nota of at all. >> stephen: jim? >> you fools. ? ? ? >> stephen: wizardry.
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claire foy. ( applause )??5a ( applause ). >> stephen: welcome.?i?i welcome to the show. >> thank you for having us. >> stephen: now, you play the royals in "the crown." you're?? british. sell me on royalty. ( laughter ) isn't the royal family just?i a tourist trap at this point? >> yes. no. well, okay-- >> right. >> royalty, they have lovely, lovely clothes. they live in a lovely big house. >> yes. >> terribly good manners. claire. >> they?? look quite nice, quite attractive. >> stephen: they do. especially young in this series. we don't think-- we, americans, because, you know, the queen has
throne. >> 64 years. >> stephen: how long has she been on the throne. >> 64 years. >> longer than queen victoria. >> stephen: it's hard to imagine her and the prince as young. was it a famous courtship? was it followed by paparazzi and that sort of thing? >> well, she was 13-- bear with me-- when she met him. >> stephen: it was a simpler time. >> it was a simpler time. but yes for?r her, he's?? the oy one. and he was 19 but they -- >> how did they meet? >> well, they were sort of engineered. it was kind of engineered by a guy called lord mount batten who basically wanted phill marry into the royal family. what's really amazing about them is actually in their day they were such huge celebrities. i mean, tens of thousands would turn up just to see these guys board a train. >> stephen: they were the brangelina. >> they were brangelina.
>> stephen: so this?i is right before they got married and the first part of their marriage together, and elizabeth having to deal with all the drawm of being-- all the pressures of?r being queen. is there-- is there sex in thisi series? ( laughter ) ithey're a husband and wife. and do we get to see queen elizabeth?i and prince philip he sex in the series? ( laughter ) do we? because i understand there is a moment we see phillip's... um-- >> stephen: bottom, exactly. >> we do see phillip's bottom, yes. >> stephen: for an extended period of time. >> yes! >> twice, twice! >> stephen: >> stephen: twice. uh-huh. >> you know, it is the best bit of acting that i do. ( laughter ) it truly is. >> stephen: but how do-- how does the royal couple make love? are they just sort of waving across the bedroom to each other? >> what's kind of interesting, i think, about the series is it's a bit of a history lesson, actually.
literally miles away from each other. >> stephen: how did you get prince charles if that happened? >> i don't know. texting. >> stephen: did the two of you get to meet the queen and the prince, consult? >> not in-- i've met them. >> stephen: what's that like? >> brief. >> brief. >> yeah. >> but sensational. >> oh, really, really, a real moment, yes. you line up and someone shouts your name. they go, "claire foy, actress." and you are pushed on and you go... and then y >> stephen: do you talk? do you say anything? i didn't, no. i just went... >> stephen: is she bigger? is she smaller than you think? >> she's very small. >> stephen: she's 147 years old now, isn't she? she's shrinking. did you have to go to royal classes to, like-- there's-- what we think of as people from england, and then there's the royal family, which they're sort of like the balsamic reduction of english.
as a chap-- chap. i'm sounding posh now. actually, we're very common, aren't we? >> we are. >> stephen: to american ears you-- i would buy you totally as a member of the royal family. >> as a chap, called major david, he's on set -- >> major david. is he actually a major. >> he was. he was a major for the army and worked for the royal house for years. and anything y think you'd do that. i think you'd pick it up like this," literally to the socks you would wear or what ring you would have, everything. he's very particular. >> stephen: before we go, i wonder if you could show me how a member of the royal family would drink-- would drink tea,?i okay? all right? >> claire's the queen. >> stephen: claire, please. so-- >> lovely, thank you. i will have some tea. ell me when i get something wrong.
>> stephen: come on, necessary network television. >> that's really good. no sugar, thank you. >> stephen: cream? >> a little drop, yes. >> splash. >> that's perfect. who is having it? are you having it or am i having it? oh, thank you. >> stephen: i'll follow you. show me if i get this right. >> do you want one? >> i'll just watch. >> it's going terribly well so far. >> stephen: so far? ( laughter ) >> major david-- >>?r absolutely not! no! you can never,heker leave the saucer. you have to-- yes, that's it. >> i found this out of out yesterday, i didn't know this-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much. i'm afraid we've got to go.?r "the crown" is available
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>> before i start, i gota give it up to the crowd waiting in the rain to get in here. huh! ( cheers and applause ) i saw some of you pull up in uber. i know that's big. uber. uber"x." i it's like hitchhiking with your phone. god knows what's going to pull up tonight to pick you up. some guy in a ford fes festiva. grocery in the back. child seat. loose popcorn. what's going on back here, guy? you on an errand?
that's supposed to be better. better car. you ever get in an uberblack car? that guy, he can't stop talking about his candy. ( laughter ) as soon as you get in, "candy in the back if you want it! i got the jolly ranchers. i got suckers! iphone 4, 5, 6 charge!" what? "i got want." crest whitestrip? it's a three-minute ride. ( laughter ) it's weird. they're rating you. you're rating them. everyone is on some fake behavior. you feel like you've got to talk to the guy or you're going to get a star. as soon as you get in, "how long have you been doing uber?" ( laughter ) and they never just do uber.
business. right? you can him "how long you been--" "come on, my friend. i do uber10 hours a week. i got real business. i got discotheque in istanbul." istanbul! do you know when you're going. i got another thing on ubercalled uberkitten. they'll deliver a cat to your house for one hour. why would do you ( laughter ) i've never been sitting around the house and tell me wife, "babe, call uber, get a cat over here. i need something to pet." ( laughter ) we trust our phones too much. can you imagine 30 years ago, a foreign guy pulling up in a black sedan telling you, "get in!" you'd be like, "get the hell out of here!"
not today. you're look, "are you gugek?" can the photo doesn't really look like you, but i think this is it!" ( laughter ) that's technology. it's everywhere-- web sites. there's a big web site, airbnb. you can rent out a room in your house. ( laughter ) right? is it worth the extra $100 to have some psychotic family show up at your door? "hello!" i couldn't do this! i couldn't have strange people live with me for the weekend. if i did, i'd have to burn the room they lived in. as soon as they left, i would torch everything-- torch the mattress. i don't know what's coming out
tempurepedic. it's weird. i get it all the time. i don't stay with people, either. i came here to new york city. there's a couple i know. they're like, "stay with us! we have plenty of room." i am not staying with you. you ever stay with people? they put you in some weird room nobody uses. single bed "star wars" sheets. i can't you ever slip into a strange bed? i look to my left, there's a booger wall. somebody started a booger wall! and nothing works in the house! the homeowner has to come in before you go to bed. they gotta knock on the door, "are you sleeping yet?" "no, i'm going to stand.
"just a couple things. don't use the bathroom in the hallway. if you flush that, we're going to have to evacuate the house? " what? "in the shower, cold is hot, hot is cold. we're been trying to fix that. after you're done showering, if you could please squeegee--" squeegee! i'm going to get clean, naked. i gotta search for wand that's been living in your shower for 33 years and start wiping shower pelets off the glass as my ass hit the floor! you guys were great. ( applause )
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( applause ) hey, everybody, welcome back. here we're can comedian sebastian maniscalco. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me on the couch. is there that's nice. you're easy to please. we allowed to you sit down, and you're happy about it. >> i'm telling you, this is my first panel, ever. so thank you for putting me on the couch. >> stephen: this is your first time sitting down at a talk show? >> yeah. >> stephen: here's my first question for your talk show. you're from a traditional it >> i am. >> stephen: how do your parents feel about you going into comedy because this is a risky thing to do with your life. >> it is risky, but my mother when i was nine came home and said, "get dressed in a nice suit. we're going to the mall. i put you into a modeling competition." so i'm like, "what?" she's like, "get in the basement. we're going to do a skit. we're going to teach you how to walk down a runway to "eye of the tiger."
>> stephen: you're a big sylvester stallone fan? >> sure i had the "rocky poster" and all. we're doing the rehearsals. i had the punches. doing lapel moves. we go to wood field mall. >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah. >> you know wood field we go to the mall. queue up the "rocky" no "rocky." i gotta go and i still won! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: congratulations. what do you win at nine years old? >> i won the-- i don't know what they gave me. i think i just stole the jacket they let me model. >> stephen: you call yourself "the behavioral police. what do you mean by that? >> listen, i got-- i just went over to this couple's house, and they asked me to take my shoes off. and i didn't even know the
what is it? >> it's like, i'm 43 years old. the shoes don't come off until i go back to where i put them on. ( laughter ) right? once a man loses his shoes, his night's done. so now i'm walking around a stranger's house meeting other grown men in their socks. ( laughter ) everybody's in, like, a sock circle. one gay came up, he was bare foot. i almost threw up in my mouth. ( laughter ) the guy was bare foot. topics. he said, "what do you think about isis?" i said, "what do you think about put something socks on?" "isis is the least of your concerns!" >> stephen: did they say why? did they say why no shoes? they just said, "take your shoes off. >> they had white carpet. >> stephen: oh, sure. >> why you got white carpeting? 2016, still.
>> they did. they had a kid. >> stephen: really? >> and i guess they were concerned that i was going to traipse in, you know, the-- whatever. but i'm like how do you know how clean my socks are? ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) tickets to the "why would you do that?" tour are available now on sebastianlive.com, and his special is on showtime. se we'll be right back.
,, "late show." tune in next week when we have mel gibson, michael strahan, and tig notaro. james corden is next. have a great weekend! good night! captioning sp captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry ? where it is you come from it'll be all right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from weno, micronesia, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james