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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  January 24, 2020 12:37am-1:36am PST

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chicken wing. peking. onion ring. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome. (tim) when people ask me what makes verizon 5g different, ♪ i talk about the future of emts. ♪ an ambulance can only go so fast. ♪ hershey's. but verizon 5g ultra wideband is being built to transmit [ cheers and applause the original cookies n' crème. ♪ >> announcer: from massive amounts of life-saving data in near real-time. 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with and here we have another burst pipe in denmark. if you look close... so someday, doctors could begin their work seth meyers. jamie, are there any interesting photos from your trip? tonight -- before the patient even arrives. ouch, okay. eric mccormack that's a difference that could save lives. huh, boring, boring, that's a difference that will change everything. comedian lewis black you don't need to see that. oh, here we go. music from chelsea cutler, featuring the 8g band with can you believe my client steig had never heard adam marcello. of a home and auto bundle or that renters could bundle? wait, you're a lawyer? ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, only licensed in stockholm. what is happening? seth meyers. jamie: anyway, game show, kumite, cinderella story. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. you know karate? this is "late night. no, alan, i practice muay thai, how's everybody doing tonight? completely different skillset. [ cheers and applause iced chai.ry. that is great to hear. pad thai. in that case, let's get to the baked pie. news republican senator richard burr was seen today giving out fidget spinners to fellow senators during the impeachment trial to be fair, if he'd just given
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trump a fidget spinner, we could have avoided this whole mess "cancel all my meetings. [ laughter ] this thing is still going. burr was also seen giving out stress balls to fellow senators. ♪ [ cheers and applause nd, right over there "i'll take some balls," said [ cheers and applause mitt romney. [ laughter ] all this week, we've had the drummer for pop icon katy perry republicans today criticized sitting in for us. be sure to check out his solo democrats for making repetitive arguments in the impeachment release, "the flood" with trial and compared it to the side 4 collective, on all major movie "groundhog day." music platforms. adam marcello, everybody democrats are repetitive [ cheers and applause trump has tweeted "witch hunt," thank you so much for a great so many times they're going to build his presidential library week, adam it's been wonderful having you in salem here >> thank you >> seth: our first guest tonight is an emmy award winning actor [ laughter ] you know best as will truman british parliament this week from "will & grace." passed its brexit resolution to the final season airs thursdays withdraw from the european here on nbc. union. oh, my god, just do it already let's take a look. [ laughter ] >> they're dating? >> oh, bisexuality isn't even a thing. this is the longest break-up in history. it's like saying, "i'm a cat pretty soon, england is going to person and a dog person. realize they don't want to come on. break-up after all, but it will [ laughter ] be too late, because the e.u. gun to your head, you know what just met julie you want licking your face [ laughter ] [ laughter ] can you say something? >> i can't former presidential candidate i'm the cool aunt. marianne williamson announced >> that explains tut ]er yesterday that she supports andrew yang in the iowa caucuses ♪
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she then added, "you all see [ cheers and applause him, too, right? >> seth: please welcome back to [ laughter ] a man in wisconsin was arrested recently for selling marijuana that was mixed with his mother's cr >> seth: welcome back. >> nice to be back >> seth: so -- >> thank you [ cheers and applause although, to be fair, he did >> seth: very exciting that we all have more "will & grace" to tell them he was selling watch. maryjane but you have now -- you have [ laughter ] filmed the final episode you wrote. >> we finished -- yeah, just according -- what a weird one. before christmas >> seth: just before -- was it very strange to sort of wrap [ cheers and applause a weird one to get applause for. something up right before the yeah holiday season >> well, it's like a relationship that ended years ago, and you get a second chance yeah at love and then you break up according to a new survey, again. mercedes-benz has the most >> seth: yeah. recognizable car logo. [ light laughter ] >> so it's -- yeah, it's like -- i got a text from my friend, "are you kidding me?" said ford. chris, the day it was announced that we were finishing [ laughter ] and he said, "boy, you really cannot hold down a job." >> seth: yesroug obviously, you viking cruise line announced this week that it will drop the give too much away, but are you word, "cruise," from its name so happy with how it ended? it can focus on more land >> yeah. offerings. "oh, yeah, dropping 'cruise' >> seth: okay. that's nice. from your name is the best," >> no, i am. said nicole kidman and i think -- i love the way it ended the first time katie holmes but we did some weird stuff and we jumped into the future and we [ laughter ]
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aged them and this time we were pre-aged we arrived this way. [ laughter ] >> seth: you showed up to set ready. [ cheers and applause an animal shelter in and that's why you're professional actors. north carolina has gained >> yes attention online after posting >> seth: you were ready to go. you actually posted stars and creators 20 years ago and very an ad seeking a home for the, quote, "world's worst cat," recent which sounds pretty mean until you see a photo of it. >> yeah. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: and - [ laughter ] >> isn't that crazy? >> seth: yeah, it's crazy. >> that's 1998 >> seth: wow >> that's after the pilot. and finally, according to a new >> seth: that's nuts >> and that's two or three weeks report, material produced by the ago. >> seth: and i think if there's one takeaway is the cameras are better [ laughter ] anal glands of beavers is used yeah to create some brands of natural right? vanilla flavoring. >> this looks like a colorized [ audience ohs ] film from the '30s or something. "thanks," said someone who's out >> seth: yeah, exactly of vanilla, but has plenty of [ laughter ] you know, it's funny 'cause like beavers. back in 1998, i forgot that [ laughter ] like, "yeah, things looked ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight yellow." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> they did. also back in 1998, apparently he's one of the stars from the sean was working at a lumber hit series "will & grace" whose mill final season airs thursday >> seth: yes, exactly. [ laughter ] nights right here on nbc well, i would love to bust sean, but i had multiple shirts like eric mccormack is back on the that in 1998 show, everybody. >> i'm from canada, believe me so did i [ cheers and applause he's a grammy winning comedian >> seth: you know, one of the currently on his "it gets better things about the show, certainly it's first run was, you know, it every day" stand-up tour one of our favorites, lewis was very groun gayea black is here. [ cheers and applause characters on television and and we'll have music from the currently some of the fantastic chelsea cutler memorabilia from set
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so you're here on a great night tonight, everybody >> right [ cheers and applause >> seth: some of the props are on display at the smithsonian. before we get to our guests, as >> isn't that nice house managers in the senate >> seth: and that's amazing. impeachment trial seek to prove >> now, i remember the first that the president is a criminal time hearing that as a kid, it who's unfit for office, the was henry winkler's jacket president is proving more evidence that he's a criminal right? who's unfit for office >> seth: sure. >> or carol o'connor's chair from "all in the family. so i think -- i don't know what for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." we have there now. ♪ but a script that i used for the very last episode is going to [ cheers and applause the smithsonian. >> seth: you might recall that >> seth: that's really amazing earlier this week after a tense >> so i -- and i realized, as exchange between house managers and president trump's defense they were about to take it away that i don't write a whole lot team, chief justice john roberts, who's presiding of stuff in my scripts over the impeachment trial, so i just made up a bunch of stuff. >> seth: right warned both sides to observe the [ laughter ] >> you know. decorum accorded to such an >> seth: sure. >> "cry here." august body as the united states "grab debra's hair and pull. i just made up nonsense. senate >> seth: right, nothing would be worse than the smithsonian taking a script and you just >> i think it is appropriate at doodled in the margins this point for me to admonish totally. you just drifted off both the house managers and the >> not even that president's counsel in equal >> seth: yeah. >> it's like you thought i was gonna tear everybody else's terms to remember that they are lines out. kei wod have been --you for eight years and i 'tthout addressing the world's greatest deliberative body. they'll get mad 'cause the show did -- the reason the show had a >> seth: the world's greatest deliberative body, are you second run is because the set serious? moved to emerson college for ten [ laughter ] years. this is a place where a sitting senator once brought out a giant it's in the library there.
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poster of ronald reagan holding >> seth: right >> so i thought, "i can't let them know that i'm stealing," a in ] but i took this ceramic dog that sat by the couch in the tv room. -- to mock the green new deal and years later, somebody said, and where another senator james inhofe infamously held up a snowball to try to prove that "did you ever take anything? global warming isn't real. i said, "the ceramic dog." and they were like, "the what? [ laughter ] it is not a great deliberative [ laughter ] body it's more like show and tell and i said -- everybody i told, the cast no one remembers the ceramic hour at the senior center. dog. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> the set decorators went, "what ceramic -- also, the senate isn't a i thought, "oh, this is -- deliberative body, because it [ laughter ] doesn't deliberate hardly memorabilia it does nothing. >> seth: you got away with a it's where legislation passed by crime. >> yeah. the house goes to die. >> seth: it would be like if you broke into the smithsonian and democrats have passed hundreds stole one of the like, museum of bills on everything from the maps minimum wage to prescription >> exactly >> seth: so like, "oh, those are drugs to equal pay to voting free rights we give those out to everybody." and mitch mcconnell's ignored [ laughter ] all of it. >> the one thing i did steal, in his office, he separates his though, later on, there was a box that sat on will's coffee trash into three different cans table for many, many years for evidence against the and it was there from the president, legislation passed by the house, and plastic [ laughter ] beginning. amd the very first interview we and in this trial -- did s>> and just before they rd [ cheers and applause in this trial right now, we are camera on that, donny was very much seeing at least some looking through his questions on of the senators live down to the these blue cards and shoved them into that box. and when we came back for the thboot 20 years later, i lift very low expectations they set for themselves for example, former senator and msnbc contributor claire mccaskill expressed some "okay, somebody owes me concern that members of the 100 bucks if the questions are senate might not be able to stay in there." and sure enough, donny osmond's questions -- awake through the trial and >> seth: donny osmond's 20 year ago questions.
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listen to the evidence for long >> so, i stole that. so, that's in my house >> seth: that's amazing. uninterrupted periods. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: he inadvertently buried >> for senators, this is hard, a time capsule >> absolutely. >> seth: yeah. because they're used to moving constantly we talked about your son last they're used to talking constantly time you were here, and how he they are not used to listening had no interest in showbiz for long periods of time but it has -- a shift has taken >> seth: i love how the hardest place. thing to ask a senator to do is >> it shifted. suddenly, this year, he said, just shut the [ bleep ] up for "i'm gonna to audition for the one lousy day. school musical." [ laughter ] oh, okay just sit down and shut up. >> seth: yeah. >> and he got in it's not hard. he played one of the leads in "spring awakening", which you it's irritating, but it's not know that show is like that's a hard weird high school show to do also, you know who else is used to talking and moving and has >> seth: yeah. difficulty listening for long [ laughter ] periods of time? >> there's nothing that doesn't happen in that show to teens children [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. we talk about senators the way >> but he was great. pre-k teachers talk about story but the -- i went evnih: y did . time "well, they're used to moving and talking. >> i know, i was that dad. >> seth: and that's fantastic, so we only made it halfway through 'clifford commits a 'cause i could totally see crime.'" myself doing that. [ laughter ] was each night as exciting as the night before but it's true. >> it kind of was. senators apparently are having a >> seth: yeah. tough time doing their jobs, >> except i became kind of like because there have reportedly a hockey dad >> seth: yeah. been stretches of the trial >> by the fourth night it was where senators have been caught like, "come on, pick it up." [ laughter ] napping or missing from their but the last night, i looked desks. around, and it's a small theater and the "a.p." reported today and laura dern was there that almost immediately bored >> seth: uh-huh. >> and i know she's not a mom at and wary senators started openly the school flouting some basic guidelines she's obviously a friend of at a chamber that prizes somebody's decorum. i can't remember if i met her. when one of the freshman house i want to introduce myself
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i'm excited. prosecutors stood to speak, many of the senator jurors bolted for and at the end of the show, we're all standing on stage the cloakrooms where their waiting for the kids to come out. phones are stored. and we connected eyes. oh, my god, they're like parents i said, "hey, i'm eric at a school play when someone i can't remember if we met she said, "hey, i need to meet else's kid is on stage "okay. your son." and she walked right past me and tyler's part is doing so i'm dissed me entirely, and walked going to go warm up the car for three hours. [ light laughter ] up to my son and said, "you made me cry also read the first part of that that was so beautiful. sentence again and i thought, "look at this." how can you be bored almost [ audience aws ] immediately? >> seth: oh, my god. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: i mean, that is this is a historic senate really -- i mean, the only fear impeachment trial, not a french new wave film. here is he's peaking too soon. >> exactly by the way, we get it, truffaut. [ laughter ] life is hard and death's >> seth: i mean, if you're inevitable already crushing with would it kill you to throw in a laura dern - >> oh, i know. guy getting hit in the nuts with i know a soccer ball? >> seth: you've -- by the way, just once. that i think is the most, like, [ light laughter ] for a canadian actor, like that in fact, at one point one of the house managers prosecuting the was the perfect thing to describe, which is being a case against trump, jason crow, hockey dad at "spring a combat veteran, was laying out awakening. it's like that is a combination in damning detail just how of the two things. egregious trump's crime was when [ laughter ] >> it's the closest i get to he noticed senators that were hockey leaving the chamber and commented on that fact >> seth: you were a fan -- >> there's a process for making canadian as well, a fan of the band, rush sure that u.s. aid money makes >> yes still am a huge fan. it to the right place to the and we -- we, i say we because right people mr. chief justice, i do see a the fandom of rush is very huge, particularly in canada we lost the drummer and lot a bremk. visionary lyricist neil peart would we like to take a break at last week. this time?
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i have another probably >> seth: and many would argue as 15 minutes >> seth: that's insane good a drummer as there ever i mean in the middle of laying was. >> absolutely. >> seth: yeah. out damning evidence against the >> i mean, i think he president of the united states, in the middle of an historic invented -- sirius radio senate impeachment trial and he started, one of the stations playing 24 hour rush all the had to stop to ask if the time members needed a break my wife and i would listen to it can you imagine an episode of in the car "law & order" where the jury and their songs are sometimes just walks out during 18 minutes long. sam waterston's big speech >> seth: yeah, 24 hours of rush is like half an album. his eyebrows would raise right >> 24 hours. off his head exactly. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] i mean, literally, one of the songs is called "hemispheres [ whistle cygnus x-1 book ii." and not only - that's the name of the song. [ cheers and applause and that was playing in my car not only have senators been napping, fidgeting and leaving beyond the room as evidence of the president's crime is laid out and i've been -- all week long, we just -- so emotional. [ laughter ] i've been emotional. before them, some of them are whining about the amenities. >> seth: so it was -- you did for example, louisiana senator have emotional -- okay >> really, really. i loved them bill cassidy complained to the i still love them. a.p., there's coffee, but it's and i was in the car and miserable coffee listening to this song and i oh, i'm sorry is the coffee at can't -- i can't turn it off the senate impeachment trial not gourmet enough for you i can't go into the bed bath & beyond without hearing the end should we have george clooney of this song and i'm listening stop by and bring you an and start to lip-sync and now espresso machine [ cheers and applause i'm air drumming and i start to cry. and you know who i bet [ light laughter ] definitely doesn't care about the quality of the coffee? bernie sanders and i -- through the whole "i drink black coffee out of a song -- at the end of the song i look over, there's a woman who tin cup like an old prospector pulled up in the spot beside me and she's looking at me. and that's it. [ laughter ] [ laughter ]
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[ applause ] and the look on her face just i don't even rinse!" said, "it's so sad when actors lose their television shows. the republicans can't be [ laughter ] bothered to pay attention to the >> seth: yeah. evidence [ applause ] and neither it seems can trump's own defense team if you've been watching the she probably - trial in detail, you might have >> yeah. >> seth: i mean, she probably thought you were going in for an noticed the stark difference interview. between the table where the like, yeah >> exactly democratic house prosecutors have been sitting and the table [ laughter ] where trump's defense team has i'm not big on the bed and the bath been sitting i can work in beyond >> you see the counsel table, >> seth: beyond, yeah. >> i can do anything in beyond that's the impeachment managers' >> seth: oh, my god. table on the left, that's got hey, thank you so much for being here >> thank you all the paper on it, the much >> seth: congrats on another run -- cleaner counsels table on the >> thanks, man >> seth: -- on your fantastic show right is the white house defense [ cheers and applause counsel for the president. eric mccormack, everybody. "will & grace", thursdays at you can tell a little bit about 9:00 here on nbc the difference in approach from we'll be right back with more the two sides simply from "late night. looking at their work [ cheers and applause environment. ♪ >> seth: it's true, the democrats' table looks like it has actual evidence on it. the trump team's table looks like a bus boy just cleaned it off. [ light laughter ] i guess it's not surprising given that trump's desk is also always so cl at ean.at he looks like a tourist taking a photo on the set of "the west i recently spoke to a group of students wing." about being a scientist at 3m. [ laughter and applause i wanted them to know that innovation is not just about that one 'a-ha' moment. "is this -- is this the same phone martin sheen used? science is a process. this is so cool. it takes time, dedication. [ light laughter ]
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and even when they do have it's a journey. papers, trump's defense team we're constantly asking ourselves, usually doesn't seem prepared to 'how can we do things better and better?' actually use them. i mean the last time a lawyer what we make has to work. showed up to congress to defend we strive to protect you. trump, he was literally lugging his documents around in a at 3m, we're in pursuit of solutions grocery store tote bag [ laughter ] that make people's lives better. remember that guy from the house hearing? steve castor he was either a lawyer or a guy the republicans randomly picked from the frozen aisle at whole foods. [ laughter ] "quick, can you come defend the president from impeachment?" "all right i guess. just let me finish filling my tote bag with these amy's burritos." [ laughter ] in fact, trump's team was apparently so unwilling to listen to the actual arguments democrats were making that at one point trump's lawyer jay sekulow went off on an angry tirade about something he curiosity- at 3m, we're in pursuit of solutions misheard during the trial. it ignites our imagination. basically one of the house prosecutors made a reference to in search of inspiration foia lawsuits to obtain documents. foia is just an acronym for and daring new ideas. freedom of information act if you are in politics or law, or really just a person who at lexus our greatest curiosity isn't a machine? reads the news, you probably heard that term before but sekulow thought the word -- she said the word "lawyer" it's you. lawsuits, which makes no sense at all and then he went off about it. >> the president's lawyers may experience the rewards of our curiosity.
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suggest that the house should have sought these materials in court or awaited further lawsuits under the freedom of information act. a.k.a., foia lawsuits. ♪ >> by the way -- lawyer lawsuits ♪ [ laughter ] lawyer lawsuits? we're talking about the impeachment of a president of the united states. duly elected ♪ and the members, the managers, are complaining about lawyer lawsuits [ laughter ] ♪ the constitution allows lawyer lawsuits [ laughter ] it's disrespecting the constitution of the united states to even say that in this chamber. everything your trip needs lawyer lawsuits. for everyone you love. >> seth: she didn't say it, because it's not a thing expedia. also, if it was a thing, why ll been here before.u love. would you be insulted by it? lawyer lawsuits is just a the conference room. redundant way to describe a job. the speaker phone. like bus driver bus driving. the missinfilenot in the ro? then you're not in the know. [ laughter ] well, this has been nice, but can we not? "what the [ bleep ] did you say?
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[ laughter ] how about we invite everyone you work with, to work together? [ cheers and applause seriously. how have you never heard - be seen, be heard, be there when you're not. [ cheers and applause how have you never heard the share your files, and your opinion. term, foia lawsuits before and maybe even a happy little fruit guy. you're supposed to be a lawyer did they also pick you out of a line at a whole foods? when you're ready to unleash the power of your team, "all right. who else here wants to defend open teams. the president from impeachment you get a $10 coupon for an espresso." [ light laughter ] sekulow isn't the only trump where these sun-soaked litea leavesactory. defender who doesn't seem to know how the law works fox news host jeanine pirro are picked at the peak of freshness. for a naturally smooth taste. lashed out on twitter in the middle of the trial as house and drinking lipton every day manager adam schiff was can help support a healthy heart! presenting his case, writing, "prosecutor adam schiff says donald trump is not innocent way to go democrats. no presumption of innocence. (burke) we've seen almost everything, no constitutional guarantees welcome to america under democrat rule. so we know how to cover almost anythgold medal gri"" (sports announcer) what an unlikely field in this final heat. have you never seen a trial before hang on... you're about to see history in the making. prosecutors are supposed to argue that the defendant is guilty that's how it works. they don't walk out and say, "ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today we're going to (burke) not exactly a skinny dipper, but we covered it. figure out some stuff together and however it breaks is good with me. at farmers, we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two. ♪ we are farmers. bum-pa-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ [ laughter ] how do you not know that
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your show is literally called (vo) visit farmers-dot-com and get a quote today. "justice with judge jeanine. [ light laughter ] are you actually a judge or did you just pick that name, because you love alliteration? i mean, in that case, you could have gone with "janky jeanine's jibber jabber junction." [ laughter and applause now, while this was going on trump is at the world economic forum in davos where he confirmed that he was watching the impeachment proceedings. and in the process, he actually confessed to one of the articles of impeachment obstructing congress during a press conference, trump bragged that his side was winning the trial, because he was hiding all of the evidence from house prosecutors >> we're doing very well i got to watch enough. i thought our team did a very good job but honestly, we have all the material they don't have the material [ audience ohs ] >> seth: he literally just confessed. again. the guy confesses more than a 15-year-old catholic boy [ light laughter ] "forgive me, father, for i have sinned four times in the bathroom at home and once in the bushes by cheerleader practice [ laughter ] ♪ also i'd love to wrap this up, so i can get home and sin [ cheers and applause again. [ laughter ] >> seth: our next guest is a
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grammy-winning comedian and trump, of course, is only the author you know from his work on third president in history to face the prospect of being "the daily show. removed from office by the tickets are currently on sale for his latest standup tour "it senate in an impeachment trial gets better every day. please welcome back to the show now, you might expect a normal lewis black, everyone! person in that position to do everything possible to prove [ cheers and applause that they're confident, sane, ♪ ♪ fit for office instead, here's the sitting president of the united states amid historic reckoning that will stain his name and presidency forever talking about how tesla ceo elon musk is good at rockets >> tesla is now worth more than gm and ford. do you have comments on >> seth:co elon musk? >> nic b >> well, you have to give him credit i spoke to him very recently he's also doing the rockets. >> seth: yes [ light laughter ] he likes rockets you often are. and he does good at rockets, >> yes too, by the way. really, it's just a joy. every day. >> seth: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] every day. yes, he does he does good at rockets. asked -- asked me, and i'm sure [ laughter ] >> seth: lot of people have in turn they've asked you, is the presidency of donald trump is the closest we'll ever come donald trump good for comedy what is your take on that? to finding out what it would be >> well, i mean, i moved here -- like if tarzan worked at nasa. [ laughter ] 40 years ago >> seth: uh-huh. "ground control to tarzan, what's your static?" >> he was -- he lived like over "space cold for tarzan there. but tarzan good at rockets." [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> i've been around him what we've seen once again this week is that trump and his 40 years lawyers have no defense for his and i said from the very obviously corrupt behavior, beginning, before even he was which is why their desks are empty and their republican nominated, and people started
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allies are leaving the chamber and ignoring the evidence. even if he's acquitted by the asking that question senate, trump may very well and i feel the same way today. spend the rest of his life in he's good for comedy in the way court dealing with legal that a stroke is good for a nap. challenges and indictments, or as they're technically known >> lawyer lawsuits [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> seth: this has been "a closer >> seth: about right look." that sounds about right. [ cheers and applause ♪ [ cheers and applause we'll be right back with more you -- your show, though, which "late night," everybody. i was surprised when i saw the ♪ title "gets better every day." >> so was i. [ cheers and applause >> seth: yeah. because you're not known for your optimism. and it's a very optimistic title. >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks," be sure to subscribe to "late night" on >> well, it is youtube. i thought maybe if i put it out there, it would change things. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> no. [ light laughter ] it's -- you know, it's the thing that, you know -- i do a lot of interviews you know, when you do a tour and they call up you doing? and every time, i say, "it gets better every day." and if they -- if they think i'm ♪ serious, i know it's not going [ car engine revving ] to be a good interview >> so -- you know, and i just this one drives a volkswagen passat. think there are things that
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we -- we do have -- we can be thankful for >> seth: sure. >> you know. a lot of -- a lot of folks out there are worried about global good ideas catch on fast. warming and climate change, the end of the world as we know it and they worry about this good, clean food, even faster. because they listen -- let's order panera for delivery, catering or rapid pick-up face it. scientists at panerabread.com. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and 96% of them actually believe that it's -- it's not good, i know this because i have to do research now >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> you know, you have to research this stuff. and i didn't get into comedy to do research! [ laughter ] okay i got into comedy to make stuff upy feel this, the scientists, is because they gather something, data >> seth: yeah. where these sun-soaked litea leavesactory. >> a lot of people don't know this, but data are actually are picked at the peak of freshness. facts. for a naturally smooth taste. [ laughter ] and so when you listen to that stuff, it gets -- that can ruin and drinking lip
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a day. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] so what we decided to do as a people was to turn over the whole dealing with climate change and global warming. we handed that responsibility ovover to people who never pass a science class. [ laughter ] they didn't get that, scares the [ bleep ] out of me. [ laughter ] and -- and so they -- these people, they instinctively, they don't use this, they instinctively feel that we've got nothing to worry about >> seth: yeah. >> so i feel better already. [ laughter ] >> seth: you -- i have to ask you this as far as optimism. first, i want to give my condolences. your father passed away, but 101 years old. >> yeah. >> seth: and your mother just turned 101 years old >> yes >> seth: do you feel fortunate yeah, absolutely [ cheers and applause
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do you feel fortunate to have genes like that? >> well, i feel there's a possibility it's not genetic i think i may be a reptile [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. at that age, there's a chance, sure >> yeah. my mother, when i called her in the mid-90s, and i said, "what's the like living this long? she said, and i'm quoting, "i wouldn't call it living. [ laughter ] i'd call it not dying. i'd call it overtime." [ laughter ] we celebrated her 100th birthday, and she blew out the candles and said, "nobody should [ htsaid -- she blew out the candles and she said, "i've made it to 101 now i can drop dead! and then, we sang happy birthday [ laughter ] >> seth: we were talking backstage. you have a very unique thing you've been doing at your shows. you've been livestreaming the last 20 minutes of your shows. >> yes >> seth: in a segment you call
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"the rant is due." >> yes >> seth: and this is not 20 minutes of your rants these are rants that other people, people in the audience, have written for you >> yes and they -- the audience that comes to the show writes things about their town or -- if you give them too long and they're sitting there and watching each other, they start to say things about each other that are very nasty. >> seth: yes >> why is that idiot, that jackass is wearing an idiotic hat. why am i always stuck behind a person who's seven feet tall >> seth: right >> and then -- t of people write in much longer rants about -- about the town that i'm in, or the state that i'm in, or the area. and it really is a show that is really a show like, let's say i'll be in rochester, minnesota, this week. and they -- it will be the rochester, minnesota, show >> seth: and so you -- and when do you collect them?
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is it at the end of the show or -e -- literally, i get them -- they come in the room and they start -- we start getting their -- the things beforehand and then, they can go to my website -- >> seth: so ahead of time? >> ahead of time the longer ones come in ahead of time >> seth: that's great. >> people seem to know and then, it's livestreamed throughout the world so i've got people -- i have fans in tanzania [ light laughter ] >> seth: who want to hear you complain about rochester, minnesota? >> exactly and it makes them feel better about tanzania [ laughter ] >> seth: what a service you're providing. hey, thank you so much for being here it's always such a pleasure. [ cheers and applause >> it was great, thanks so much. >> seth: lewis black, everybody! for the latest tour info, go to lewisblack.com we'll be right back with more "late night. [ cheers and applause ♪ this is my body of proof. proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: welcome back. so we here at "late night," we have a lot of expenses and to cover the costs of those expenses, we have taken on some pretty terrible sponsors ones we are not proud of sponsors i'm ashamed we took money from in the first place. but because we did, we now have to mention them on the air so i'd like to apologize in advance. "late night" tonight is brought to you by standing desk chairs [ laughter ] very tall chairs for your standing desks have you been standing at your standing desk for too long take a seat with standing desk chairs [ laughter ] [ applause ] also, horse-drawn caricatures. move over, horse-drawn carriages. now there's horse-drawn caricatures. looking for fun? well, what's more fun than a horse with a pen in its mouth drawing a picture of you [ laughter ] i told mine i liked skateboarding and i got this [ laughter ] quit horsing around and get
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yourself some horse-drawn caricatures. we're also sponsored by confetti and meatballs. [ light laughter ] are you italian and is it new year's [ laughter ] then get confetti and meatballs. the only cannon that shoots both confetti and meatballs confetti and meatballs, now that's a celebratory meatball! [ laughter ] [ applause ] next up, it's big debbie's flavored lube. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] little debbie's all grown up and she knows how to get down. [ laughter ] this flavored lubricant comes in all the varieties you remember from childhood, like oatmeal cream pie, swiss rolls and zebra cake big debbie's flavored lube miss debbie, you nasty [ laughter ] we're also brought you by croakaine, cocaine for frogs [ laughter ] is your frog boring and lazy ou try croakaine. [ laughter ] the only cocaine designed just for frogs. also works on humans
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[ laughter ] croakaine, "no, officer, it's actually my frog's." [ light laughter ] and don't forget about un-kosher salt salt with ham in it. [ laughter ] we're also brought you tonight by jacques straps. [ laughter ] are you tired of your baguette jostling around in your basket on the bicycle [ laughter ] keep that phallic loaf in check with jacques strap i actually don't want to do this one. allie, oh, allie, could you come out and help >> seth: read that, please [ cheers and applause >> we're also brought to you by he dillweed, refresh your es summer's eve pickle douche if your vagina's in a pickle, put a pickle in your vagina. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
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>> seth: thank you, allie. >> was it worth it >> seth: yeah. we're also sponsored by toegaine, from the makers of rogaine comes toegaine the only medication critically proven to grow you more toes count to 27 with toegaine. [ light laughter ] and lastly, 98% milk you know 2% milk but have you ever thought where does the other 98% go? [ laughter ] well, it's gone right here to 98% milk the thickest milk you can get. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] [ applause ] 98% milk the only milk you can bounce an oreo off [ light laughter ]
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[ audience ohs ] that's good milk [ light laughter ] those were our terrible sponsors, here's a message from our good ones. [ cheers and applause ♪ as parents of six, this network is one less thing i have to worry about. (vo) why the aceves family chose verizon. we all use our phones very differently. these two are always gaming and this one is always on facetime. and my oldest is learning to be a pilot. we need a reliable network because i need to know he's safe. as soon as he lands, he knows he better call mama. mama! (vo) the network more people rely on, gives you more. like plans your family can mix and match starting at just $35. and apple music on us. plus, up to $700 off the latest iphone when you switch. that's verizon. wherever, however, whenever.
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we are america's kitchen. have you ever wondered what the motorcade driver drives, when they're not in the motorcade? ♪ [ car engine revving ] this one drives a volkswagen passat.
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about finding good food ind have school.y so, when my wife kat and i learned california public school children couldn't get fresh produce in the cafeteria, we took action. we partnered with local farmers, school kitchens, a non-profit. that program now serves over 300 million healthy meals every year.
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the difference between words and actions matters. that's a lesson washington dc could use, right now. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: making her television debut performing "sad tonight" from her album, "how to be human," please welcome to the show chelsea cutler. ♪ ♪ my friends tell me i'm goo why can't feel it too ♪ ♪ when the drin hits lips al all i taste is you
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yeah ♪ ♪ make the most of my days i tell myself that you're gone ♪ ♪ i don't wanna be righ if missing you is so wron it hits me like ♪ ♪ a tsunami oh i feel yo over my body i hate being ♪ ♪ so damn hones you have my hear but you don' even want it no ♪ ♪ you don't even want i i'll let my friend take me out on another night ♪ ♪ to some bar i kno you never like who's not my type ♪ ♪ and it won't feel right so let me be sad tonight sad tonight, sad tonight sad tonight, sad tonight ♪ ♪ sad tonight sad tonight, sad tonight sad tonigh
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cause it feels so right ♪ ♪ yeah, it feels so right yeah you're all over my min i try to find a new muse ♪ ♪ i can't believe wha you did no and i don't really want to i got thoughts ♪ ♪ in my mind yeah yeah and they feel so lou i could pretend that ♪ ♪ i'm fin but i don't know how it hits me like a tsunam i feel you over my body ♪ you have my heart but ♪ ♪ you don't even want i i'll let my friends ♪ ♪ take me out on another night to some bar i know you never liked ♪ ♪ kiss somebody who's not my typ and it won't feel righ so let me be ♪ ♪ sad tonight sad tonight sad tonigh sad tonight, sad tonight sad tonight ♪
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♪ so let me be sad tonigh sad tonight sad tonigh 'cause it feels so right yeah it feels so right ♪ ♪ ♪ sad tonight, sad tonigh sad tonigh 'cause it feels so right yeah, it feels so right ♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: chelsea cutler, everyone "how to be human" is out now for tour dates, go to chelseacutler.com. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause
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in 2016 i warned thatt donald trump was a dangerous demagogue, and when the republican congress wouldn't hold him accountable, it's time for the senate to act twen-one house seats. and remove trump from office, and if they won't do their jobs, this november you and i will. i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: my thanks to eric mccormack lewis black. chelsea cutler, everyone 8g band and adam marcello. stay tuned for "lilly singh. we'll see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ♪
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♪ >> lilly: tonight on "a little late with lilly singh" i am going to talk about saving the world from climate change. ♪ you idiots can't you see what's happening
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on our big flat earth? laecide if we should jok the game is called, "finger it out. how can you feel a drink and know what it is. >> that's the game, it sucks >> lilly: finger it, finger it out, finger it out and then i sit down with theimsr [ applause ] and we will tell you about the saddest stories of the day >> nude man in chicken coop arrested after doing way too much meth. [ laughter ] >> lilly: fortune, what's the saddest story you ever heard >> any time a dog dies >> lilly: we'll be back in one minute dogs don't die, they live forever. >> that's true, that's true. so -
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