tv News 4--- Today NBC February 3, 2016 5:00am-7:00am PST
("waiting" by don a. ferris) voiceover: robert young and jane wyatt. (children laughing) with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin, in father knows best. - now men, we're playing a tough schedule, but that's no reason we can't come through with flying colors. and we have speed, savvy, and plenty of beef, for the most part. that's the kind of combination that wins football games. alright, a team and b team get on the field, we'll run through those new plays. (team cheers) - what are we supposed to do, play ping pong? - coach can't see us for the muscles.
- i'd give my front teeth to be on the team. - oh, football isn't everything. but it's way ahead of everything except women. hey, want to double date with eileen and me friday night? - what's the catch? - she may have a house guest and i have to dig up a date. - oh, blind date? no sale. - [steve] eileen says she looks like brigitte bardot. - sold! - excuse me, fellas. hey brad! run down the other end of the field, sharpen up on those place kicks. - how do you get this guy to notice you? - it's a cinch, gain 40 pounds and wear stilts. - dear, betty and i can take care of the dishes. - i know it, dear, but after putting away a wonderful dinner like that the least we could do is help clear the table. - well, it's nice to have handy men around. - wish you'd tell that to coach harper. - oh, hasn't coach found out about your educated toe? - he doesn't even know i'm alive, dad. steve bellman and i are the only substitute place kickers, and all we do is warm the bench! - well, i wouldn't feel too badly, bud. (jim chuckles)
these days, college football is played by big bruisers. and that freshman team looks like the chicago bears. - well, size isn't everything. i'm a kicking specialist. little but loaded! - yeah. - and i was dynamite in high school, wasn't i? - [kathy] yeah, you kicked one goal all year. - two! i was right there with the extra points when they needed me. don't forget, the newspaper used to call me "the hope of springfield high"! - why don't you show coach harper your press notices? i'm sure he'll be impressed. - well, modesty prevents me from being too obvious, dad. i do have to do something to let the coach know that i'm not just there to keep the moths out of the suit. - [betty] it's too bad the coach hasn't noticed you as much as his daughter sally has. she told me she thinks you're pretty cute. - well i'm afraid she just doesn't happen to be my type. - but sally harper's a darling girl. i don't see why she isn't more popular with boys. - hey, no kidding, betty. did she really say that about me? - only last week. - maybe i ought to give her a jingle. might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
- oh, i thought you said she isn't your type. - well, on second thought, sally has all the awards i recommended. i think i'll give her a phone call and start the ball rolling. jim: are you sure her being the coach's daughter has nothing to do with this sudden romance? bud: dad, please! (phone ringing) - hello? - [bud] oh, hi sally! - hello, bud! - i thought that, if you're not busy friday night, uh, we might-- uh, get together. - i'd love to see you on friday night, bud. it's so nice of you to think of me. - well, i've thought about you a lot. no kidding. of course, we can't make it too late, on account i'm going out for football. maybe we catch an early movie, huh? - an early movie will be just fine! wonderful! yes, see you then bud, and thanks for calling. bye! father!
- the most wonderful thing has just happened to me! - hey, whoa whoa, what happened? - bud anderson asked me for a date! - bud anderson! bud anderson? - you know him, he's out for football. oh, he's the cutest boy in the squad! - oh, him. oh sure, of course. oh forgive me honey bun. you see, for once, i've got so much good material that it's running out of my ears. just for a second, i couldn't place bud. - oh, how could you forget him? he's such a doll! - well, just because he's such a doll doesn't make him a good football player. i'll say this for him though, he's got good taste. (sally hums) - "mmm" yourself. - well she took the bait like a hungry trout. this is going to work out okay, you know, dad? i think i'm going to enjoy dating her. - wait a minute, bud. i, uh-- i don't like this. - well, what's wrong it?
all i want to do is plant myself in the coach's old subconscious so that when he has to send in a sub kicker, he'll think of me instead of steve bellman. - [jim] but you're just using that girl for an ulterior motive. you've not going over there just because you want to be with her. - okay. sit down, dad. now, let me ask you a question. suppose the president of your company sends his son out from the home office and he's no particular prize. would you, uh-- would you entertain him? take him out to dinner? - probably, that's common courtesy. - yeah! but don't you entertain him because you want to stay in good with the home office? - it's simply good business relations. - okay. so what i'm doing is good football relations. (doorbell rings) it's not the same thing at all! - [eileen] hello bud! - [steve] hi! - [bud] oh hi steve and eileen! - [jim] hello eileen, steve. - [steve] hi mr. anderson. - [jim] you know kathy don't you? - [steve and eileen] hi kathy!
you got yourself a date friday night. oh. gosh, steve, i can't make it friday night. - what do you mean you can't make it, you promised. - [eileen] we're counting on you. - well, i uh-- i just happened to be talking to sally harper tonight and that, uh-- it just kind of worked itself into a deal for friday night. well, you know, she's a real keen girl! - mr. anderson, he's kidding, isn't he? - i'm afraid not, steve. bud's taken quite a... sudden interest in sally. - i'll say it's sudden. see you around. come on, eileen. - goodnight everybody. - [steve] goodnight mr. anderson. - i'm, uh, sorry about that steve.
it's just that i'm not in that big a hurry. maybe we could just relax for a minute? - of course, come inside! thank you. - could i get you something? - hmm? oh, no, nothing. not a thing. that's a-- sure a good-looking dress you have. - [sally] thank you. - [bud] you've got good taste. - [sally] father gets the credit for this. he seems to know exactly what i like. he's just the greatest. - yeah, he's uh-- he's quite a guy, all right. is he home now? - yes, he's in his study dreaming up plays and stuff. he's pretty happy these days, he thinks he has terrific material this year. - yeah. of course, i guess he hardly knows i'm even out there. - no, he likes to keep the boys guessing. he says it keeps them hustling. what show are we going to see?
i just happened to bring along a movie section. at least i meant to bring it along. - what are those? - oh, these are just some old newspaper clippings i was going to paste in my scrapbook. i guess i must've stuck it in my pocket by mistake. but you wouldn't be interested. - of course i would. - well, if you insist. - "coach takes wraps off new kicking sensation, "bud anderson, "hope of springfield high"! my god, this is marvelous! - oh, just something from high school days. nothing much, really. - well, it certainly is. we better look for a movie. (newspaper rustling) - is uh-- is that your father's favorite chair? - he loves it. - i uh-- i forgot to tell you! the top is down in my car so you'll probably need a scarf. why don't you run out and get one while i check
- good idea. be with you in a sec. (paper rustling) (door opens) - well, hello bud. - [bud] hi coach! - where's sally? - [bud] uh, she just went to get her scarf. we're going to go to a merly ervie-- uhh-- early movie! got to keep training regulations. - yeah, so she says. i was just cleaning up my study, tomorrow's trash pick-up day. (paper crunching) isn't it amazing how newspapers and letters collect around the house? (paper crunching) - coach! uh-- why don't you let me take that trash out for you? - oh, i wouldn't dream of letting you do it, bud. i have a lot more picking up to do. - [sally] goodnight, father. - [coach harper] oh, goodnight honey bun.
- [sally] all set to go. that didn't take long, did it? - [bud] sure didn't. - where are the children? - oh, kathy's watching television and betty's right here. - [betty] hello father. - [jim] hello princess. - and bud just left for sally's. - again? - he might as well move over there. - you know, if that boy makes the football team, he'll have one distinction, he'll be the only guy who ever won his letter by dating a girl. - it would be ridiculous. i went to the college library today and more people gave me a knowing look and said, "i hear bud's rushing the coach's daughter." it was embarrassing. - jim, don't you think you ought to put your foot down? before bud makes a fool of himself and of sally. - ah, this is one case he'll have to learn the hard way. you know, coach harper's no dummy, he'll get wise to bud and so will sally.
you're making up the football roster. - yup. right now, i'm trying to decide between bud and steve. as far as ability's concerned, it's a toss up. - father, i know it would make things simpler if i weren't dating bud. - well, it wouldn't be an easy decision in any case, but that factor does complicate things a bit. sort of puts me in a spot. - i realize that. but is it fair to keep bud off the team just because i happen to like him? - you phrased that question just like a lawyer. - merely pointing out, if your honor please, the possibility of prejudice on the court's part. no more questions. - [coach harper] sally harper. you're a designing daughter.
- hey gang! the football roster's up! come on over! (team cheers) (excited chatter) all right, now quiet! aaron, adams, anderson, bowman... - bud anderson? - [dark haired player] well, why not? he's got sally on his corner. (players laugh) - hey bud, you're playing heads-up football. (players laugh) - hey hot shot! your manager's looking for you. - huh? - sally! (players laugh) - well, here's the fair-haired boy. - congratulations, bud. - you know, steve, i-- i wish we could both be on the team. - you must feel simply terrible about that. we know how you knocked yourself out to see that steve got a break. - forget it, eileen. bud just played it smart and it payed off. - well, he'll be captain of the team someday if his carving knife holds out.
- i got to run. - that's right. run buddy, run! - don't give him such a bad time, eileen. - don't be silly, he had it coming. - [sally] steve? how could bud leave in such a hurry? - sally, i may as well give it to you straight. don't count on seeing bud around so much now that he's got what he really wanted. - what do you mean by that? - don't be naive. everybody knows he'd never have beaten steve out of the team except for you. - cut it out, eileen. - i won't! bud's been using sally and she's too nice a girl to get hurt. - that isn't true. - why don't you ask him? - [sally] bud! wait! (door slams) bud! (engine starts) (paper tearing) (knocking)
- [jim] may i come in? - sure dad. - your mother tells me you made the team. - yeah. - you don't seem very happy about it. you know, uh, cutting football practice this afternoon is pretty serious. could cost you your um... hard won spot on the squad. - well, the guys started making cracks when they saw my name on the rosters, so i just thought i'd give the coach a fast out. - do you think that clears up the whole situation? - well you know it doesn't. - i'm glad you feel that way son. well it seems to me
- i really feel sorry for the way i've treated sally. i know what you must think about me. - right now, i'm beginning to feel very proud. - why? - because you got what you wanted, but you feel you didn't get it fairly. now you can't live with yourself, you'll find some way to straighten things out. - [bud] what am i going to do? - well, um-- since you asked me,
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bud can play pretty good football. and he was out there trying before he even started dating you. - but you haven't answered my question. - well, i haven't got any crystal ball. but i'll predict that bud is the kind of a guy who can go places without using any petticoat for a magic carpet. (doorbell rings) - oh. hello bud. - hi coach. is uh, sally home, sir? - why don't you ask her? - [bud] hello sally. i uh,
- well, i'll ... i'll ... (coughs) - [bud] i put you in awful spot, sally. they're talking around the campus that that i uh-- i went with you just to get a leg up on the team. - did you? (string music) - yes. i know that makes me an awful heel. i don't know why i did it. i guess i ... figured it was the only chance i had. now, being on the team isn't the important thing. i'm-- i'm quitting that.
sally: thanks for telling me, i-- i know it hasn't been easy to do. i-- i guess there's not much more to say. - well, there is one more thing. seeing i'm not going to be on the team, i've got two tickets to the game. will you go with me? we can sit in the stands together? - but how can i be sure you really want me? - because i'm here, asking you. for no other reason than i want to be with you.
on one condition. that i'll be in the stands watching while you kick that extra point. - well, i'm off the team. i cut practice. - excuse me, kids. have you seen-- oh. there it is. bud, i want you to show up at the field early tomorrow, sharpen up on your kicking. - huh? - i've uh, i've got an idea we'll need you against maywood state. - yeah! thank you very much! i'll be there real early! - oh, isn't he the greatest?
and jane wyatt, with elenor donahue, billy grey, and lauren chapin in father knows best. - so i'll pick you up around two this afternoon, joyce. where are we going? well, just a minute. hey dad, what's a good place for me to take joyce this afternoon? - how should i know? - think of some place that's different. - a trip to the twine factory? (laughter) - dad. - well, that's different. - a lot of help i get around here. joyce? i'm not gonna tell you now. i'm gonna surprise you. what should you wear? well, what? yeah, that's it.
no, no hints until i see ya. okay, bye. all right, what's the big surprise i'm gonna take her to? - well, how about the roller skating rink? - no, we've been there. see, joyce is beginning to think that i have nothing but dull ideas. she's always bringing up what interesting and original places claude takes his firl to, so i gotta come up with some some thing real good. think of a good place for me, dad. - yeah, dad. think of some place good. don't just sit there. - i'm not gonna think, or anything else today. this is one of those saturday's designed for collapsing. - daddy? - uh-oh. whatever it is, no. - well, i just wanted to give you a report on the fire safety conditions of our house. i finished my inspection. - good. how did we stack up, fire marshal? - pretty good. wiring, electrical outlets, and so forth very good. - well, thank you very much. - shingles, okay. closets, okay. basement? - uh-oh. - not that, it could be better. the garage had some oily rags laying around, but i got rid of them for you.
- but, oh brother, that attic. is that awful. - really, what's so awful about it? - all that junk up there. boy, is that a fire hazard. - well, we'll just have to get up there and clean it out. (music) - look at these moccasins i started to make at a summer camp i used to go to as a kid. i never did finish them. now why would a fella hang on to anything like this? - well, this is a good time to throw them away and get on with the job. - camp tepee tonka. (laughing) the lake was full of seaweed. the air full of mosquitoes. we played volleyball in sort of a swamp. (laughter) had to wash the cooking pots with sand on the beach. but i thought that camp was as close to paradise as a boy could get. (laughing)
- jim, if we don't get started that fire marshal boss will be on our necks. - oh, yeah. we don't want to have to tangle with her. (laughter) there we are. here we go. i won't need that anymore. how in the world is this stuff around? (crashing) (quirky music) you know? speaking of memories. ce in a while i get fleeting glimpses of moments in my boyhood. strike almost like a pain. pang in the pit of my stomach. that ever happen to you? - like a pain, you say? - well, sort of. i guess it's because you want to reach out and grab that moment.
of course, you know you can't. gone forever. irretrievably lost. - yeah, i think i know that feeling. - how great it would be if we actually could get a hold of one of those moments, relive it. (horn honking) (laughing) tell me, if someone gave you the power to relive some one day of your life, what day would you choose? - gee? i don't know. (quirky music) (laughter) - honey! hey, where are you. (margaret yelling) (laughter) - let me see. get this off your head. (laughing)
- woo! well, i tell you one thing. this is not the day i want to live over. (laughter) - i tell you the day i'd choose. our bicycle trip. the one that you and i made when we were in high school. a two people picnic out at oak grove. you remember? - how could i ever forget that? - oh, i was really in the clouds that day. (peaceful music) that was the first time i ever held your hand. it was greater than all the kisses that have ever been kissed. by greta garbo or anyone else. - greta garbo? how do you know about her? (laughter) - oh, i know all that stuff. here, here, i'll do that.
(laughing) hey! i've got an idea. now, don't throw that broom at me, but listen. let's make that same trip. exactly as we did then. - on bicycles? - why not? we still have those bicycles of betty's and bud's in the garage just withering away. i'll get them out, dust them off. you pack a lunch and we'll take off. - you mean right now? - it's now or we'll lose it. you can't fool around with these memory moments. - all right, let's do it. (laughing)
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oh, what's the matter with us? canadian bacon sandwiches. that's what you fixed for that other trip. - well, you're right. you do remember, don't you? - of course, the first time i ever heard of canadian bacon. the sandwiches tasted so good. in fact, that's why i decided to marry you. (laughter) - i would have expected that. - here comes betty. let's sort of keep this trip to ourselves. i'm afraid it'll sound kind of silly to the kids. - boy, i have to study for two tests today. what are you doing, eating again? you just had breakfast. - oh, this is a lunch we're packing. your mother and i have to go on a brief trip out in the country. - trip? i thought you were cleaning the attic, finally. - well, this came up suddenly. sort of a business trip. - business on saturday. - i better get out the garage and get the ba -- oh! wee! (laughter) - what's the matter with him? he acts like he thinks he's about 18 years old. - no, it's 17 to be exact. (laughter)
i'll dust them off and they'll be just as good as new. (laughter) (quirky music) (laughter) - four tires, four flats. man, i'm batting 1000 percent. - i called the termite company. he can't come next week, but he said he'd be here right away. it shouldn't delay us much because he said it won't take long to inspect the place. - well, i've had a slight delay myself. look at that. - oh, dear. well, they're all flat. well, maybe we better take the car? - on a bicycle trip, no sir. (laughter) - well yes, but these tires. - well, i can patch them. chances are i had to patch them before our other trip too. (horn honking) i'll just run down to the gas station and get a little patching kit. i'll be right back. - oh, dad, dad. - huh?
- say look, as long as you're running errands you wouldn't mind dropping by the cleaners and picking up my grey slacks for me, will ya? i need them for my date. - look, i'm in a pretty big hurry. - it'll only take you a second. and i'm really stretched for time. thanks a lot, dad, i really appreciate it. (laughter) - father, wait! do you mind dropping these books off at the library for me? it's not out of your way. - how do you know it's not? you don't know where i'm going. i'm only going down to the corner gas station. (laughter) - it's just five or six blocks farther. i'd go myself, but i have those two tests, plus writing 2500 words on the french revolution. - i know, you told me. - which reminds me. would you pick up a good book on the french revolution? (laughter) - now look, i don't have time. - but father, you have to go there anyway to take the books back. - well, sure i do. - so, right, it'll just take you -- - now wait, i don't have to go there. - father, thank you, you're sweet. (laughter) - how do you fight feminine illogic? (laughter) - dad, dad! - now, what? - have you thought of any interesting place
for me to take joyce this afternoon? - no! (tires squealing) - gees, grouch. (peaceful music) - well, i inspected two more houses. they had some wonderful fire hazards. - good. - in one house i found a -- hey, why aren't you up in the attic, boy? - because i'm down here. (laughter) - look, i told you i'll have to report you. - i'll do the attic tomorrow. - but i told you -- - tomorrow i'll do it. i promise, marshal. (laughter) today i -- well, i have something more important to do today. - what's so important? - well, you wouldn't understand. you will when you're older. - why does everybody keep saying that i'm so young. i wish i was 20 years older so people wouldn't have to keep everything from me. (laughter) hey, what are you fixing those old bikes for? - because they need it. who knows?
maybe your mother and i might want to ride them some day. - you and mommy ride them? i'd like to see that. (laughter) (cathy laughing) - cathy, don't ride that. you'll ruin the tires, they're flat. now get off. get off, get off, cathy! - the chain came off. - oh, fine. - well, i'll fix it. - no, no, you'll get all greasy and make it worse. just leave it, i'll fix it. go on in the house, honey. (somber music) - what's the matter with daddy? he sure seems cranky today. - cranky? oh, he is never cranking. - well, he is today. she's right about that. every time i ask him to do some little thing he grumbles away. that's not like him at all. - no, it isn't, but perhaps you shouldn't keeping asking him to do so many things. especially not today because he's ...
- [margaret] jim, will you come in here a moment?lot of times, being a teenager means living with labels. you know, like the ones other people give you. and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win.
(tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life. help is just a phone call away. the sinks stopped up. bring the plunger. - oh, no, not that. not now. okay, i'll be right in. (quirky music) (air rushing) - mother, whose that i hear stomping around in the basement? - oh, that's the termite man. - termite man? is that anything like the batman? (laughter) father, would you do me a favor? i'm so swamped. would you mind glancing though this stuff on the french revolution and just sort of write an outline? - sure, love to.
(laughter) just get me one of those pens that write underwater and i'll get right on it. (laughter) - you don't have to be so sarcastic about it. - i'm not doing any good here. you better call a plumber and of course that won't delay our trip any. just six or seven hours. - but dear, we won't have to wait for the plumber. betty will be here. i'll call him right away. - don't you know how to make an outline yet? - well, of course i do, it's just that well i have so much other work. i'm absolutely swamped. - oh, hello, this is mrs. anderson. i wonder if you could send a plumber over right away, my sinks stopped up? what? not until monday? - [termite man] mr. anderson? i think you got trouble? (laughter) - you think i have trouble? (laughter) - yeah, come on, i want to show you the basement. - i've seen it. - i want to show you what's going on down there.
(laughter) - well, thank goodness for that. nothing i hate more than second class termites. (laughter) - he's quite a comedian today. - yes. - i've never seen him like this before. i can understand his being upset over all this trouble, but well, this just isn't like him. - no, it isn't. i don't much like it either. - now you see, there and there. now right there those little rascals are doing a beautiful job. (laughter) - yeah, gorgeous. - oh, those kids are having a regular picnic. - picnic. well, it's nice that somebody can go on a picnic today. (laughter) okay, so what do you have to do? rip out the whole foundation? - (laughing) not quite. (laughter) oh, we can get rid of the little rascals all right
but you will have to replace a little lumber. of course, this won't be cheap. - it never is. - now, i think -- - you go right ahead. i won't argue. this is just not my day. do your worst. (quirky music) oh, ow. (laughter) (quirky music) (heavy breathing) - there. oh, all done. boy me. ah! - jim, the plumber just got here and he wants to talk to you. - well, tell him to wait. can't you see i'm in the middle of something? - well now, just a minute, dear.
you don't have to talk to me in that tone of voice. - okay, i'm sorry, honey. but, my gosh, this whole day is being ruined. some picnic. this fine memory is being turned into a nightmare. let's forget the plumber and go. - well, i'm not so sure now that i want to go. - huh? - well, the way you've been barking at us all, you'd be about as much fun on a picnic as a swarm of bees. but you act as though it's my fault about the termites and the plumbing. well, as far as i'm concerned the trip is off. - oh, now wait, honey. wait a minute. (door slams) (somber music) - bicycle trip. how could a grown man think of such a --
- well, i still don't see what you're trying to do. first you tell me to wear sports clothes and then you try to take me to a show we'd already seen and now you bring me here. - well, this is all part of the surprise. sort of. you wait here and i'll be back in just a second. dad? - yeah? - hey dad, you got to help me. i started to take her to a movie, but we've seen it. i told her i still have a surprise for her, but she doesn't believe me, so could you please think of some place for me to take her?
to a worse person for an idea about where to take a girl. my ideas are so bad, that i -- well, wait a minute. yeah, i have an idea. - yeah? - well, you probably think this is pretty corn ball, but here it is. take joyce on a bicycle trip. - a bicycle trip? (laughter) - yeah, out to oak grove. take a picnic lunch with you. luckily i just happen to have the bikes all set to go. (laughter) - well, dad that's -- - you said you wanted something different. - yeah, yeah, but you're right. it's pretty corn ball. (laughter) - now look, if you haven't tried it, don't knock it. (laughter) - well, i got to try something. i can't get any further in the dog house than i am now. here goes nothing. (quirky music)
- well, here's the surprise, joyce. we're gonna pack a lunch and bicycle out to oak grove! sounds cool, huh? - bicycle? - yeah, the reason i stalled you along was that the bikes weren't quite ready. - i think that's a fabulous idea! - you do? - yes, that sounds like fun. how'd you happen to think of that? - oh, well, i'm loaded with ideas. (laughter) - hi, mr. anderson. - hello, joyce, there you are. - are these the bikes we're gonna use? - yeah, the tires are all patched and everything. - these are wonderfully goofy. - come on, let's get started. we can stop at my house and fix the lunch. - jim, i'm awfully sorry about what i said. i really did -- - oh, wait a minute, kids. - hello, joyce. - hi. - here's your picnic lunch. - really? already fixed? say, you really did have a surprise all planned, didn't you? - oh, there's a wonderful little picnic spot to the left of the steam
a least there used to be. have a good time. i guarantee this will be something you look back on one day with fond memory. so, hit the road, men. - thanks a lot, dad. - okay, goodbye. (laughter) (quirky music) (horn honking) - well, i'm beginning to have a vague idea of what's been going on out here, but well that was our lunch you gave them. (laughter) - i know it, but it's all right. because that's us, there we go on our way to oak grove. - there we go? - yep. i realize now this is the way we can reach out and grab some of those moments out of the past. you know, maybe it's not such a bad way either. (somber music) - do you really mean that, jim? i know how disappointing this day has been for you
by everything that's happened. - oh, you're right, that's exactly how i felt, but not anymore. everything is okay again. what i was trying to do, of course, was live in the past. just as cathy wants to live in the future. and it just made both of us miserable. (laughing) there's only one wonderful time to live and that's today. so come on, honey, let's go live it. - all right, what should we do? - oh, let's go out to dinner, see a movie, and then we -- (laughter) oh, first we're going up and clean the attic. nothing i love better than to clean attics. (laughter) - nothing he likes better. what a faker.
(applause) [ ] [ ] you mean the governor is going to be here day after tomorrow? in person? governor willard j. mcguire? yes, george just called me! and mr. b will be entertaining him, huh? yes, you see, the mayor is going to be out of town that day. so he asked george to drive to the airport and pick the governor up and take him to the hotel for lunch.
oh, boy, this is gonna be my first chance to meet the governor. you know what i'm gonna say to him? i'm gonna say, "how do you do, governor mcguire? i'm hazel burke, your number one fan." [both chuckle] and i'm gonna help the governor get re-elected. i wrote a campaign song for him. a song? swell! sing it for me, hazel. you make up neat songs. well, i borrowed the tune from an old college song called high above cayuga's waters, but i wrote the words myself. don't allow the man we worship ever to retire who deserves the governorship? willard j. mcguire fight for the finest candidate work till you perspire we mustn't lose a man as great as willard j. mcguire you like it, sport? gee, hazel, that's real super. oh, well, it's no my country, 'tis of thee,
but i think it gets the message across. sure makes me wanna vote for him. it'll probably be heard all over the state. aw, hazel, you don't sing that loud. oh, come on, sport. you go on out and play. your dad's gonna be here any minute, and i got a few details i gotta work out. hello, darling. how'd your day go? all right? well, not bad. i didn't get much work done this afternoon. oh? i spent most of my time on the phone turning down people who wanted to join me for lunch with the governor. i hope you were firm with them. very firm. since the mayor's out of town and this is all left up to me, i'm holding the group down to just-- hi, mr. b. welcome home. thank you, hazel. i got a little surprise for ya. i made some of them chicken liver and bacon things you're so crazy about. rumaki. hazel, that's great. you haven't made these in a long time. they're so fattening. well, anybody that works as hard as mr. b has a right to live a little, huh? those are very kind words, hazel, and i appreciate it.
well, yes, of course i appreciate it. oh, good. well, then maybe you'll let me drive you when you go to the airport to get the governor. what?! missy can ride up in front with me, and you can sit in back with the governor, just like a big shot. no thanks, hazel. i'll drive the car myself. and me ride in back with the governor? oh, that don't seem right. of course, if that's the way you want it. you know that's not the way i want it, hazel. oh, i was just kiddin'. well, what about your committee? maybe they need a driver. sorry, hazel, all the other cars are taken care of. just forget it. well, are you gonna have a police escort? yes, and if you're thinking of hitching a ride on a motorcycle, you can forget that, too. i just wanna meet the governor, mr. b. is that wrong? of course it isn't wrong, hazel. hazel, i know how you feel. i--i wish you could meet him. i'd like for you to meet him, but-- oh, you would, mr. b? well, then i got nothin' to worry about. what?! well, i mean, if i wanna meet the governor
and you want me to meet him, well, then everything's gonna work out okay. now, wait a-- when you and me pull together, mr. b, there ain't nothin' we can't solve. i figured it was about time for coffee, mr. b. oh, thank you, hazel. you're welcome. and speaking about taking the governor to the hotel to lunch tomorrow-- wait a minute, wait a minute. who's speaking about taking the governor to lunch tomorrow? i was. i was just thinkin'-- hazel, now we went all through this last night. the subject is closed, and i don't want to discuss it any further. boy, he's kinda edgy this mornin'. i'd sure hate to have him muff that chance with the governor. what do you mean? well, if i was taking the head of our state to lunch, i'd take him to the best eatin' place in town. well, that's exactly what i plan to do. i'd take him to a place so exclusive that you can't get in unless you know the right people. what are you talking about? where?
the george baxter house on marshall road. [all chuckle] well, there's no doubt about it having the best food. sure. you take him to a hotel, and it's just jammed with people all millin' around. - well, yes, i know. - you bring him here, and i'll serve him a lunch he'll be talkin' about all the way back to the capital. hazel, there'll be ten or twelve people here. that's a lot of work for you. oh, i won't care. after all, i'll do anything that helps out mr.b. anytime. well, hazel, i think it's a fine idea, and i accept your offer. also, it's the only way you can think of to meet governor mcguire. isn't that right? well... [chuckles] as we'd say if we was in paris, france, "touch\." [all chuckle] is it a deal? eh, it's a deal on one condition-- that you handle all the cooking and serving and let the rest of us handle the conversation. now, i don't want the governor to be bothered, okay? oh, mr. b, i'm sure we'll work it out just fine. boy, oh, boy, wait till i tell rosie.
- oh, hi. - oh, rosie, have i got new for you! i've been tryin' to get over here all day, but i've been so busy. oh, shh. you'll wake up jimmy. oh, i didn't know you was baby-sittin' for your cousins today. did they get snarled up again? oh, yes, they've had an awful rough time tryin' to get through college. oh, yeah, i know. the poor kids. you know, tryin' to raise a baby and go to school at the same time, well, it's-- oh, but, hey, what's the big news? oh! well, you better sit down, rosie, and brace yourself. guess who mr. b is bringin' to lunch tomorrow? who? governor-- himself, in person-- willard j. mcguire. no kidding? boy, that is something! and you're cooking lunch for the governor? oh, i'm not only gonna feed the man, i'm gonna help him get re-elected! help him?! aw, come on! oh, sure. i wrote a campaign song for him. it's a doozy, if i do say so myself. - you wanna hear it? - mmm. uh--
who deserves the governorship? willard j. mcguire fight the-- [crying] now you've gone and done it. oh, never mind, jimmy boy. you go back to sleep again. i'm all through bein' operatic. well, if you ask me, when that boy grows up, he's going to be a music critic. i don't remember askin' ya. [doorbell buzzes] oh, that must be marge and jim now. - oh, hi, kids. - hi, rose. - hi, hazel. - hi. was he good, rosie? did he give ya any trouble? oh, not a bit. he slept the entire day. you kids still livin' over on lake street? yeah, we keep lookin' for something closer to campus, but everything's too expensive. i don't know how you manage. oh, it's a chore. we try to stagger our classes, so one of us is home with the baby while the other's in school. but it doesn't always work out, like today. i'll just take this load on out to the car. oh, hey, hazel, tell the kids the news.
the governor's coming to hazel's house for lunch tomorrow! i'll tell 'em. the governor? oh, yes! my boss is entertaining him. and i'm tickled pink because i've been a fan of his for years. he's a wonderful man. when i meet him, i'm-- what's the matter? well, we don't care much for governor mcguire, hazel. and he certainly doesn't care about us or any other married students. if you're a married couple at state college, you're discriminated against. how? what do ya mean? well, single students get dormitories to live in and cheaply. but what do married students get? booted out of the governor's office, that's what. oh, no, the governor wouldn't-- well, look, why don't you fill me in from the beginning? well, you remember that big old apartment house, hazel, across from the arts building on 18th street? oh, sure, the old richmond arms. i heard it was up for sale or somethin'. yeah, well, we had a great idea. we figured the state could buy it and rent it to married students only.
oh, sure, that's a terrific idea! and with all of ya livin' in the same building, you could baby-sit for each other. have you told anybody about it? marge and i and another couple drove all the way over to the state capital to sell governor mcguire on the idea. but our precious governor refused to see us, wouldn't even let us in his office! his secretary practically threw us out. so that was that. oh, no, the governor wouldn't treat people like that. he's a fine man. jim and marge told me last night. dorothy, we've got to get going to the airport. dorothy: coming, darling. just a minute. i just can't believe that the governor would treat people like that. he seemed like such a fine man. but i'm sure he can explain the whole thing when i get a chance to talk to him. hazel, i don't want you even to bother the governor! don't talk to him! not talk to him? suppose he asks me a question. just answer yes or no. and if i'm not sure, can i say maybe, even if it's two syllables?
all right, but nothing more than that. i'm ready, george. oh, boy, you look scrumptious! did you fix your safety catch? oh, thank you, hazel. we'll be back in about an hour. oh, fine, and i'll be out front when the sirens blow. and you'll be proud of the luncheon, if i do say so myself. hazel, hazel. i want your solemn promise on this. you'll only say yes, no, and maybe, and that's all. yes, i promise, mr. b, but ain't them answers gonna sound kinda silly
mrs. mcguire, governor mcguire, this is hazel. - how do you do? - miss hazel burke. hazel, this is a real pleasure. how do you do, governor? - hazel, would you take our hats? - oh, sure. - oh, mrs. mcguire, should we go upstairs? - oh, thank you. what a lovely home. it must keep you busy, hazel. oh, yes, governor mcguire.
oh, no. no, governor mcguire. i'm sure you prepared a wonderful luncheon for us. we--well, uh, maybe. eh, governor, shall we go into the living room? mr. b, you see that? i shot my whole wad of conversation in 20 seconds. what do i do now? why don't you just put the hats away and serve the hors d'oeuvres? i really appreciate being brought into your home, mr. baxter. it's so much warmer than the formality of a hotel. well, it's a privilege to have you here, governor. oh, thank you, hazel. i'll have another one of these cheese and bacon things. i hope they're not fattening. no, governor mcguire. did you make 'em yourself? yes, governor mcguire. they're really wonderful. well...maybe. a woman of few words, isn't she?
uh, fortunately, this is one of those times. people chanting: we want the governor! [chanting continues] what in the world is that? someone seems to want me. uh, don't bother, sir. all right, tom. eh, tom's supposed to be my personal secretary, but he also acts as nursemaid. i'll see what it is. [both chuckle] oh, for pete's sake. all: we want the governor! we want the governor! [chanting continues] we want the governor! we want the governor! we want the governor! may i close the door, mrs. baxter? by all means. who's out there? pickets. [chanting continues] nothing to concern yourself about, sir. just ignore them. what group is it this time? conservatives who think i'm too radical or radicals who think i'm too conservative?
did--did you say college students? yes. the usual campus nonconformists. but i don't understand how they knew the governor was here. excuse me a moment, sir. hazel, i'd like to speak to you for a minute. yeah, i figured you would. naturally, you know why i brought you out here. sure, you're gonna ask me a question, i'm gonna answer it, and you ain't gonna believe me. go ahead. are you responsible for those kids outside? no, i ain't. hazel, i don't believe you. that's what i figured. you must have had something to do with this. well, i told jim and marge that the governor was gonna be here, but i was only braggin'. but mr. b, why are you so against them poor married kids findin' a good place to live? hazel, i am not against that at all. i'm only against having the governor annoyed while he's a guest in my house.
[ ] ladies and gentlemen, luncheon is served. thank you-- oh, that's wonderful. thank you so much. do you want some turkey? no thank you. not too much now, hazel. oh, no. just--that'll be good. you go on and sit down, darling. i'll be with you in a minute. missy... could i ask you a favor? a favor? after this beautiful luncheon you dreamed up, hazel, anything you want. well, it's about those kids out there. the pickets? yeah. jim and marge logan is out there with their baby, and a lot of their friends. the logans? i didn't know that. well, i didn't want to bother you. but i was figuring they must be pretty hungry by now, so, uh, i thought maybe after all that walking, what i'd like to do is this. i'd like to-- marge: hazel!
oh, hazel, this is wonderful! rally around, kids, we'll eat! [excited chatter] help yourselves. is this your friend miss burke? yeah. this proves she's still our friend. hazel, this is jerry harbor. he went with us to the capital. - hi. - hello, miss burke. can i talk to you for a moment? sure. why is the governor avoiding us? oh, it ain't his fault. he's just been taking bad advice. if he'd talk to us, i know we could make him see our point. i was gonna talk to him myself, but mr. b made me promise to keep my mouth shut. and that ain't the easiest thing i do. [laughing] you just leave it to us, hazel. we'll wait for him. yes, we don't want to keep you from your work. oh, i ain't in that much of a hurry. hi, honey. oh, and besides, i wanna see that the troops get through with the chow. oh, boy! say, if they can talk the way they can eat, you got nothing to worry about! [all laugh] [laughing]
and the food! the food was just delicious. oh i can't tell you what a pleasure it was to have you here, governor. this is a day we'll never forget. students: we want the governor! my public is quite persistent. tom, we've got to leave for the airport soon. why don't i just go out and face them? tom: no, i'd rather you didn't, sir. the last thing you need after a fine lunch is an argument with a bunch of agitators. well, how can i avoid them? they're parading up and down in front of the car. that might be managed if mr. baxter has an extra car. do you, sir? yes, there's another car in the garage. can we reach the garage without being seen from the street? very easily. through the patio. well, that solves it then, governor. you and i can leave now for the airport in mr. baxter's car, and the rest of the party can follow a bit later on. the pickets will never see you. tom, you're wasting your time with me. the cia could use you. may i have the keys, sir? oh, the key. the key... oh, hazel? you were using the car last. where's the key? yeah, i'll get it, mr. b.
i'll drive the governor if you prefer, mr. jennings. no thank you. i'll handle it. here's the key! thank you. now, governor, let's be on our way. i'll see you in a few minutes, sweetie. all right, fine. governor, the patio's right out there. thanks again, mrs. baxter. it's been a lovely afternoon. i'll see you at the airport. bye-bye. oh, what a shame. now the governor willl never know how much those kids need a place to live. just a minute. what did you say? oh, don't mind me. i got a bad habit of talking to myself when i'm upset, and i'm upset now, because-- hazel, remember your promise. yeah, but this lady ain't the governor, and i think she's real smart. she probably helps the governor make his decisions. hazel, i don't think mrs. mcguire would be interested. but i am, i am. now, what is this about a place to live? oh, well, those pickets out there are young married college kids
so they can get home between classes to take care of their babies. but how can my husband help? well, there's a big apartment house for sale right near the campus, and if the state was to buy that, well then, those married kids could move in. oh, i wish i'd known this before willard left for the airport. well, maybe he ain't left yet. maybe he got delayed, hmm? let's go see. you don't have to bother, mr. b.
[ ] well, what do you know? they're still here. tom's having some difficulty with the key. must be bent. i can't turn the switch. oh, let's see it. oh! oh. [chuckles] this is a mistake. this is the extra key to the other car. i was in such a hurry to get the governor started, i must have brought the wrong one. i'm so sorry.
i'll just bet you are. willard, i want to talk to you about those pickets. what about them? well, they have a serious problem, and i think you ought to listen to them. will you do that, please? all right, sara. hazel, i think this time you may have gone too far. well, at least i'm going in the right direction. [ ] now, as i told mr. logan, i can't guarantee anything. the purchase by the state of the apartment house you want is not something i can manage alone. it has to be passed upon by several committees and boards. however, i promise you that i'll do everything possible to put it through! [cheering] and all i ask in return, i wanna to remind you that my name is willard j. mcguire and please keep me in mind when you see it on the ballot. [laughing] now, back to your books.
and it's been a real pleasure to get together. thank you, governor, thank you very much. nice meeting you. thank you, governor mcguire. willard, i'm proud of you. i'll certainly remember your name on the ballot. that's the way to talk, mrs. baxter. shall we go to our cars now, sir? the plane leaves in half an hour. you and the others go ahead. i want to speak to mr. baxter for a minute. and to miss burke. oh. mr. baxter, i certainly appreciate the chance this gave me to share the problem of these young people. i'm glad it turned out so well, sir. very glad. but somehow i have a feeling most of the credit should go to miss burke. oh. [chuckles] well, you're right about that. tell me, miss burke... did you intentionally give the wrong car key to mr. jennings? you did, didn't you? yes, governor mcguire. and you're not ashamed to admit it? no, governor mcguire. well, you shouldn't be. it was the only proper and intelligent thing to do. well, maybe.
uh, sir, i'm afraid this is my fault. you see, i made hazel promise to hold her conversation down. hazel, say whatever you like. oh, thanks, mr. b. oh, uh, your honor, i've been dying to ask you... uh, don't you think a good campaign song would help your election? it certainly would. well, it just so happens-- i just discovered that my opponent, senator wilbur force, has a campaign song that ought to do a lot to help me get elected. huh? uh, pretty bad, is it? it's utterly horrible. they took a wonderful old college song, and well, listen to the silly words they wrote to it. now's the time to put your money on another horse you know who our favorite son is honor wilbur force there's more to it, but i'm sure that's enough. what do you think, miss burke? i think i shoulda stuck to yes, no, and maybe.
[ ] [ ] [telephone rings] hello? i'm lonely, baxter. i sit by the telephone, and it doe't ring. i thought a lawyer was supposed to keep his clients informed. informed? yes, mr. griffin, and that i've done. i'll bet you're keeping josh egan informed. well, of course i am. how else can i work out a contract that you'll both sign? here's your coffee, mr. b. put it on the desk, hazel.
mr. griffin, i know you don't like the man-- is hazel there with you? let me say hello to her. mr. griffin, we're discussing something very important! oh, all just a second. hazel, mr. griffin wants to say hello. is he giving you a hard time with that contract, mr. b? no, no, hazel. you want me to straighten him out on anything? no, hazel, just say hello and get it over. hi, mr. griffin. oh, i'm just terrific. how are you? ohh. well, that's too bad. maybe you'd better check on your shoe size. well, in the meantime, why don't you go to the drug store and get yourself a little corn pad? yeah! [chuckles] hazel! oh, uh, just a second. mr. griffin, have you heard the one about the cowboy movie star that was so conceited that he had to wear a 50-gallon hat? [laughing] hazel, that is stupid. give me that. bye, mr. griffin. i thought it was real snappy. mr. griffin, i'm terribly sorry.
[laughing] why... oh, that woman is wonderful! wasn't that the funniest thing you ever heard, baxter? that's the trouble with you. you haven't any sense of humor. oh, for-- mr. griffin, i'm expecting mr. egan any minute. all right, i-- i will call. i'll call the minusigns. yes. all right. goodbye, mr. griffin. - ohh, what an irritating man! - who? well, who's been calling me five times a day for the past week? oh. mr. griffin. george, i was going to suggest that mr. griffin and mr. egan or dinner here tonight. we could have the signing of the contract as a sort of a ceremony. well, you're assuming mr. egan will approve the wording. i hope you're right. i've incorporated every change he suggested, but somehow i get the haunting feeling this whole thing's gonna fall through.
why, you've spent months working out this merger, not to mention the time spent on the contract. yes, with-- with two old curmudgeons like griffin and egan, there are no guarantees. they've been business competitors for years. somehow i get the feeling this whole thing could fall through. but that's not fair, george! you've earned your fee. yes, but don't start spending the money. oh, i haven't spent it. i've been window-shopping a little. dorothy, i mean it. you're counting chickens before we even have eggs. griffin and egan don't like each other. but, george, it's to the best interests of both of them. mr. griffin has the fabricating process and mr has the equipment. they'll both ma fortune. yes, but there's many a slip betwixt cup and lip. i salute you, mr. shakespeare. [doorbell rings] that'll be mr. egan. oh! come in, mr. egan. llo, hel! how are you today? if i felt any better, i'd be running in the fifth at belmont. and i'd bet on you, hazel!
a "mudder"? oh, that's wonderful! i always say a "mudder" has no business being in a horse race. she should be home taking care of the kids! you slay me, hazel, you slay me! but what a way to go, mr. egan, huh? come on. mr. baxter's in the den. mr. egan to see you, mr. b. 'morning, mrs. baxter. good morning, mr. egan! 'morning, mr. egan. won't you sit down? how's it coming? i would say this is the final draft... unless you decide to tear it apart again. mr. baxter! inasmuch as i'm tying up nearly half a million dollars in land, in plant, in materials, i-- mr. egan, it was just a little joke. don't make jokes with my money. all right, mr. egan, why don't we go over and see if everything is to your satisfaction? that's what i'm here for. maybe you'd like a cup of coffee, mr. egan. oh, thank you, hazel! and maybe one of your cookies. sure thing. i just baked a fresh batch this morning. oh, i'll have a couple too, hazel. oh, no, sorry, mr. b. you had a donut for breakfast.
be right back, mr. egan. wonderful woman... and a divine cook. mr. egan, why don't you have dinner with us tonight? we'll make a little ceremony out of signing the papers. mrs. baxter, i have not said that i'd sign. [nervous chuckle] i think you'll find i've made all the changes you specified. here. read this through. griffin's royalty's been knocked down to half a cent a unit? yes, mr. griffin has agreed to half a cent a unit. exclusive manufacturing rights for 99 years? for 99 years. both domestic and foreign? both domestic and foreign. well, that's more like it. what's hazel planning for dinner tonight? whatever you'd like. oh! well, i'd like a large salad with roquefort dressing, and then some of those stuffed pork chops of hers with mashed potatoes and gravy, and string beans with almonds. mr. egan, that will be the menu. splendid. and there's just one more thing. what's that? let's not invite griffin.
well, he can sign some other time. just because i'm doing business with the man doesn't mean that i have to mix with him socially. oh, now, that's ridiculous. mr. griffin is a fine man. besides, you're going to be business partners together. you could at least make the attempt to get along with him. i gave that up years ago. we've been competitors too long. what am i doing, going into business with that man? but you're both going to make a lot of money together. i already have all the money i need. mr. egan, how about some nice, hot, parker house rolls with those pork chops? oh! that would be nice! and maybe some of her blackberry jelly. yes! here you be, mr. egan. oh, bless you, hazel. - i've been invited to dinner. - oh, swell. i'm planning a seven-bone roast, and it looks wonderful. oh, hazel, we told mr. egan he could have whatever he wanted, and he asked for stuffed pork chops. could you change your plans? well, maybe i could, missy, but-- you had them the last time i was here, hazel,
hello? oh, hello, mr. griffin! well, what about it? has the bandit signed the contract yet? [nervous chuckle] uh, mr. griffin sends his regards. anything he sends will come cod. you tell him i'm sending them right back. [chuckles] mr. griffin, mr. egan returns your regards. yes. no, uh, he hasn't signed them yet, but, uh... well, but-- mr. griffin, will you please stop shouting? he intends to. we would like to invite you both to dinner for a little signing ceremony. dinner? what's hazel serving? oh, i can't eat stuffed pork chops, baxter. hazel knows that. how about turkey
uh... mr. griffin suggests turkey with oyster dressing. - how do you--? - i loathe oysters. i want stuffed pork chops. well, we can't have turkey and pork chops. here, give me that, mr. b. uh, hi, mr. griffin! what time are you going to be here? whenever you say, hazel. oh, seven'll be fine. and you will have turkey? turkey? well, i'm gonna have a meal that'll make your mouth water. oh, hazel, my mouth is watering right now. see you at seven! right! bye! oh ho ho! wait'll that old bandit finds out that we're really having stuffed pork chops. he'll hit the ceiling. hazel! you led mr. griffin to believe we were having turkey tonight! turkey? oh, i couldn't do that, missy. mr. egan don't like oyster dressing. i detest it. hazel, mr. griffin will explode!
don't you worry, mr. b. i'm gonna fix a dinner that's gonna be explosion-proof! stuffed pork chops are delicious! even a man like griffin ought to be able to enjoy them. mr. egan, i'll be back in just a second. hazel. hazel, just a minute. yes, mr. b? are you deliberately trying to sabotage me? no, of course not. well, you're doing it. don't you realize that egan and griffin are bitter rivals? i know. ain't it terrible? and you can't show preference for one without offending the other. i ain't showing a preference. how can you say that? you told mr. griffin you were serving turkey, and you're also serving what mr. egan wants, stuffed pork chops. no, i ain't. i'm serving a seven-bone roast, just like i said. so i says to him, "maybe you got it on with a shoehorn, but it's gonna take a crowbar for me to get it off." [laughing] so then he says, "well, i guess we'll have to go to a larger size." and i said, "yes, i guess we'd better,
'cause i can't go to a smaller foot." [laughing] so we kidded around about an hour, you know, like that, and all that time i was trying on shoes. i must have tried on fifty pair, and i couldn't find what i wanted. was he angry? oh, no. it ended up with me going to lunch with him at one of them snazzy new drug stores on main street. oh, and the funny part of it was, though, i found the very pair of shoes i wanted in their ladies department! [laughing] good evening, mr. griffin! hello, baxter, dorothy. is the bandit here yet? mr. griffin, he is not a bandit. the agreement is fair to both of you. i'll only be getting a half-a-cent royalty. well, now, he didn't hold a gun to your ribs. you agreed to it. let's try to make this a very pleasant evening. yes, you go on in and sit down. i'll bring the hors d'oeuvres. start thinking about dinner. hazel. did egan finally agree to the turkey? no, he thinks he's getting stuffed pork chops. ain't that the limit? [laughing] it certainly is. well, i always say a man that can't adjust
to a little change in menu is a pretty small maright? right, hazel. [laughing] there's a fine woman. shall we sit down? yes, sir, she's a fine woman. you know, she reminds me of my mother. did i ever tell you that? yes, mr. griffin... i believe you have... many times. mom was the salt of the earth. she used to worry about me, just like hazel does. i have a corn on my toe, and you haven't even asked me about it. oh! oh, i'm sorry. how is it? it hurts. now, what kind of a question is that? the trouble with you, baxter, is you're no conversationalist. i-- i'm sorry, mr. griffin, but somehow the subject isn't very provocative. [doorbell rings] excuse me. that'll be mr. egan. oh, dandy. if it weren't for that turkey dinner,
is he here yet? yes, mr. griffin is right in the living room. come on in. i suppose it's too late to back out now. just relax and enjoy the evening. i'll just enjoy the pork chops. good evening, mr. egan. good evening, mrs. baxter. and you two gentlemen know one another. - oh, yes. - certainly. oh, come on, now. both of you shake hands. no! what is this? if there's one thing i can't stand, it's a wishy-washy handshake. - what did you say? - i said a wish-washy handshake! put out your hand! no! for pete's sake! mr. egan! mr. griffin! you stop that! you're acting like children! i'm ashamed of you! well, he started it. well, i was just squeezing back. hi, mr. egan! hi, hazel! well, as the bulldozer said to the steam shovel,
dig in. [laughter] i'm gonna leave these in your charge while i see to dinner. mmm. these are delicious, hazel. they're superlative, hazel. don't go stuffing yourself. i don't want you to spoil your dinner. [mr. griffin laughing] [laughing] well, wasn't today lovely? it was just another day. i didn't notice. well, uh... how do you think the eagles will do this year? i don't follow football! baseball's my game. i heard a rather amusing story the other day. it seems this fellow walked into a florist's shop and said to the clerk, "i'd like a dozen roses for my girl." and the clerk said, "long-stemmed?"
i've never seen her in a bathing suit." well...don't you get it? long-stemmed. was that the end? yes. it's not funny. um... i heard another amusing story the other day. it seems that this policeman stopped a lady for speeding. he said, "lady, do you realize you were doing over 50 miles an hour?" the lady said, "well, that's ridiculous. i just left home, and i only live two blocks away." [laughing] oh, george! some people have a natural-born talent for storytelling. now, hazel tells a marvelous story. you don't have to say anything about hazel. i've known her for years. i've known her for ten years. i've known her for 15 years! she likes me.
i once asked her to marry me. hmm hmm hmm. obviously she didn't do it. she must've turned you down flat. i don't like you, egan. don't like you, griffin. come on, now, gentlemen, let's try to make this a very pleasant evening. there's another amusing story that i know-- i'll bet i don't laugh. this is a good story. all right, go ahead. well, it seems these two men were talking about how much a certain minister had aged, and one of them said, "age is no respecter of parsons." that's a pun. well, william shakespeare used them, and hazel told me this. well, those two could get away with it. you've just ruined the story, baxter. you're too phlegmatic. you're not animated enough. i am not! george, since we're waiting for dinner,
sign the contracts? say, that's a very good idea. is it all right with you, mr. egan? well, i suppose so. iffin? might as well get it over with. good. i have it right over here on the end table. now, you've both thought it over carefully and have okayed all the details, and i want to say, you both should be congratulated. this will mark the beginning of what i feel is a mutually profitable venture. i hope so. who would like to sign it first? let him sign it. i haven't a pen. uh...i don't have a pen either. i have one, mr. egan, right here. oh. well, all right. dinner's ready! oh! that's what i've been waiting to hear. mr. griffin: i'm as hungry as a bear, hazel! well, come on. everything'll get cold. - gentlemen, how about the contract? - later, baxter. didn't you hear hazel? dinner's served. you're the most inconsiderate man, baxter. do you want it to get cold? you looking forward to dinner, mr. griffin? i certainly am, mr. egan, are you? you can't imagine my anticipation.
you know, it's strange, mr. griffin, but at this point i feel that i almost like you! that's peculiar. i was thinking the same thing about you, even if you don't like oyster dressing. i loathe it. [laughs] and you don't like stuffed pork chops. no, they don't agree with me. mr. egan, would you sit over here on my left. thank you. and mr. griffin, on my right. well, thank you, dorothy. thank you, george. well, everybody ready? bring it on, hazel!
if you like, i'll even carve. carve! [laughs] well, before i serve, i have a little announcement to make. what i'm serving tonight ain't exactly what everybody expected. yes, i know! i know, hazel. what kind of person couldn't stand a little change of menu? a contemptible person. a selfish, overbearing oaf! a sawed-off little bandit! an overweight, money-grubbing-- just a minute! i'll bring it in! [chuckles] well...ahem... isn't this nice? yes. this is very nice. why don't i get the contract, and you two can-- hazel: ahem! that isn't a turkey! of course not! it's-- it's a seven-bone roast.
now i'll get the vegetables. well, it does look good, doesn't it? yes, it looks beautiful. it's exactly what i wanted. exactly. [chuckles] hazel told me about the roast this afternoon. she didn't mention it to me. none of ya did, baxter! you've all turned against me! well, i'm not going to do business with people i can't trust. well, here's the vegetables. oh, where's mr. griffin going? thanks to you, he's walked out on the deal. i'm here, hazel. - be quiet! - oh, for pete's sake. mr. griffin, wait a minute! well? what are you leaving for? didn't you like my surprise? the surprise? to find that you'd turned against me in favor of that little pipsqueak? oh, don't be silly. he expected pork chops just like you expected turkey. no, the surprise i mean is my dinner. a pot roast when i expected turkey? what kind of a surprise is that?
- what? - i call it my "mom's dinner. " a mom's dinner? sure-- pot roast, oven-browned potatoes, glazed carrots, and them little pearl onions and buttermilk biscuits? oh, mom fixed that many times for sunday dinner. what would you like on your biscuits? would you like honey or jelly? maybe you'd rather have strawberry jam. oh, i love strawberry jam. but with that little pipsqueak in there, i-- i'm having french apple pie for dessert. french apple pie? yep, and i'm serving a big slab of american cheese on it. oh, that's just what mom used to do. [ ] well, how's everybody doing? the dinner was heavenly, hazel. that-- that pie was sheer ambrosia. the best pot roast i've had in 50 years. i didn't realize that pot roast could be so delicious. my mom used to fix it that way. anybody want more coffee? i'm serving a little something with it. another surprise?
it'll go well on top of the dinner we had tonight. it's what you might call a digestion aid. at least it'll help mr. b's digestion! i'll bet i know what it is. coffee and cointreau. she knows it's my favorite. nonsense. it's coffee and cognac. she knows how much i love it. no, you're both wrong. it's coffee and contract, and i want you both to sign or i'm gonna put you over my knee. i don't know if i-- and i won't serve ya any more meals! oh, i'll sign it, hazel. you wait your turn. i'm signing it first. okay, mr. b? okay, hazel. sign on the dotted line, mr. egan. i see it, hazel. now, you're both gonna be partners, and i want you to shake hands and make up. come on, now, shake hands. oh, all right. if you insist, hazel. now, ain't that nice, mr. b? one big happy family. oh, for pete's sake!