tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 4, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
we'll get your bags in. you don't have to do that. it's only fair. if they were my bags, you would have to carry them. that almost makes sense, doesn't it? we hope you'll be very happy here, dear. well, it beats the y.m.c.a. oh, yeah, nothing but men, isn't it? i can imagine what it must be like. as a matter of fact, i often have. there you go. oh, thank you, chrissy. i'll just put these in my room. oh, you can do that later. look, i'm going down to the regal beagle for a glass of wine. why don't you all join me? my treat. no, thanks i... the what beagle? regal beagle. it's a pub, like in england. they've been opening up all over. yeah, real cozy.
a little thou. no, thanks, i've got an early class tomorrow. not tonight. not tonight. you know, that's a perfect title for my autobiography. well, here i am. yes, you are. aren't you? put it there. not your hand, the rent. hmm? you do have your share of next month's rent, don't you? yeah, why? we need it to pay last month's rent. mr. roper doesn't believe in charity. how long do i have to go on letting him think i'm gay? oh, as long as you live here. that's the only way he'll allow it. well, just as long as you know different. chrissy... um, don't you have something to do? oh, yeah.
now? she, uh, she means the groceries. oh, yeah. ( phone rings ) you get that, chrissy. we'll take care of these. okay, what are you making for dinner tonight? well, something i learned in class today. veal parmesan with a side dish of luscious fettucini. oh, i just gained five pounds hearing about it. you always carry your pickled onions loose? no, they spilled out on the floor of the cab. i was going to wash 'em. janet. what? that was my mother on the phone. she'll be here in a few minutes. what's she doing in l.a.? oh, she went to see her dentist. if she finds out, i mean two girls living in an apartment with a man you know what she'll think. oh, chrissy, people are doing it all over the place.
well, i thought that your father was the problem? your father's living with two girls? we've got no time. i'll put his stuff away. you take him down to the regal beagle until i call and tell you mother's gone, okay? right. okay, let's go. do i have to? oh, you'll love it there. the beer is flat, but the barmaid's not. move 'em out. oh, hi. how you doing? nice to see you. oh, hello. oh, hi. hi. hey. i'm so glad you changed your mind. come on, sit down. thank you. have a drink. hi. hi. what'll it be? uh, white wine for me. and you? i'll have a couple of boo...
coming up. she's so healthy. down, boy. i knew it. you're not gay, are you? huh? well, uh... oh, come on. i won't give you away. no, i'm not. i thought so. i'm as normal as mr. roper. don't spoil it. but you don't have to worry, mrs. roper there is nothing going on in our apartment. nothing. there's nothing going on in ours either. hello, mother. oh, i've never seen such traffic. hello, mother. and these l.a. cabs are terrible. they smell of pickled onions. hello, mother.
my poor feet. oh, you've had the carpet cleaned. no, the walls just got dirtier. well, that's nice, dear. i'll fix you something to eat. oh, no thanks. i can't stay long. i have to catch the 10:45 bus back to fresno. wonderful! what? i mean, you look wonderful. how's father? oh, he's fine, dear, but he worries about you. we both worry about you living in this terrible town. are you sure you want to stay here with all the crimes and the muggings? oh, mother, it's not really... oh, i've read all about the wild parties and orgies. people running around without any clothes on. where would you read a thing like that? in your father's church magazine. mother, i wouldn't know an orgy if i fell over one. oh, try not to do that, dear. by the way, how are those nice girls you room with, uh janet and, uh, eleanor, isn't it?
and i think your dad will go for it. for more info, there's a rating search app. and you can set parental controls at home alright thanks. i'll check that out. let's see if you can beat your old man at this one. game on. let's do this! [female narrator] check the ratings. because some games are for kids. some aren't.
i want to go home to my own room to sleep in my own bed. i don't want another beer. would you like another beer? oh, yeah. janet, there's a phone call for you. oh, thank you. that's got to be chrissy. well, i can see i'm outgunned around here. besides... i got to get home and make the cocoa for omar sharif. good night, mrs. roper. good night, honey. night. oh, good night. what do you mean your mother's staying? where's jack going to sleep?
the cops will pick him up. what about the 24-hour laundromat? the hookers will pick him up. janet, you got to do something. me? hey, it's your mother. well, if it was your mother i'd do something. good. then just pretend your mother is my mother and do it. janet... well, dear, i think i'll turn in early. you can't go to bed. why not? we've hardly had a chance to talk. you're right. let's talk. uh, not here. all right. well, shall we go into the kitchen? what about a motel? a motel? we don't have to use our real names. chrissy, you're behaving very strangely. am i? well, we haven't seen each other much lately. which reminds me... chrissy, where are you going? uh, i want to make your favorite salad
where will you find carrots this time of night? uh, there's a machine on the corner. look, i'm sorry. if i had any money, i'd go to a hotel but i just don't have $20 to throw away. oh, well... how about the all-night showing of war and peace at the art theater? that's only three dollars. you got to be kidding. oh, no. this is the eight-hour version-- the original one in russian. that is not a plus. look, i'm sorry. i'm going back to the apartment. but chrissy's mother will be in the spare bed. it is not the spare bed, it is my bed and i'm going back. i'm going to undress and climb into my bed and if anybody else is in there that's her problem. and you're not stopping me either. oh, girls, come on. ( grunts ) give me the screwdriver. oh... which mother are you?
i'm sleeping here tonight. on the couch? no, in eleanor's old room. really? well, i guess you'll be safe enough. i'm sure i will. wouldn't catch me sleeping in there. well, i should hope not. ma'am, i'm a decent, normal man. i'm glad to hear it. would you like some hot milk? do you got anything stronger-- like, uh, cocoa? i'll see. it's my favorite drink before going to bed. it really helps you sleep. that's a medically proven fact. i believe you. my wife doesn't. you know what she tried to give me one night at bedtime? wheaties.
wait-- i've got an idea. i want my own bed. you haven't even heard it yet. i want my own bed. he could sleep in our room. but i don't want to be unreasonable. we could sneak him in. my mother won't even know he's there. him, in the same room with us? and you, in the same room with him? look, i will be on my best behavior. honest. is the bed big enough for the three of us? okay, she's asleep. ( whispering ): come on. the door. ( hiccups ) shh! shh! sorry. it's those four glasses... ( hiccups ): ...of beer. shh! come on.
you'll wake the whole neighborhood. if i can just get to the kitchen i've got a method for curing this. you can't leave this room. anything you say. this is your bed, big time. that's what i figured. ( yawning ) uh-huh... you can't sit there while we get undressed. oh. i'm sorry. will the view be better if i stand? ( hiccups ) go cure your hiccups. whatever happened to the sexual revolution? your side lost. ( thunder crashing ) ( hiccups ) ( raspy breathing )
i'm cured. my hiccups are gone. good. go to sleep. right. ( clanking ) what's that? it's not me. i never moved. oh, it's that window in the living room. jack, would you mind closing it? suppose her mother sees me? i'll do it. turn around. that's a lovely mole you've got on your thigh. watch him. he's tricky. boy, in that nightie, she's really something. i mean, everywhere you look at her, she's a girl.
a gorilla? no. you're very... bright. oh... more like a chimp? no, janet. i think you're very cute... i can't budge the window, and it's raining. no, no, no, no. this is a job... for the man of the house. i shall return. meanwhile, make yourselves beautiful for me. oh! of all the... vain, arrogant, egotistical... he's kind of nice, though. yeah. he is, isn't he? chrissy, is that you? ( thunder crashing ) oh, dear!
chrissy, chrissy! what's the matter?! someone's out there! that's impossible. ( banging ) did you hear that? no. ( banging on door ) i didn't hear that either. ( louder banging ) i've had it. i don't care whose mother's... don't blow it for chrissy. oh! hi, hi. come on in. chrissy: hi! hi, handsome. wow... oh! this is chrissy's mother. how do you do? i was just passing by, and i thought i'd knock. why? why? oh, well, there's an all-night showing of war and peace down at the art theater and i thought i'd invite the girls to come along. but, silly me, i can see they're ready for bed. so i'll just mosey on my way. good night. good night. wait! you're not wearing any shoes. it's against his religion. uh, that is just like jack. anything to be different. good night, jack.
you wouldn't be jack tripper? do you want me to be? rissy, is this the young man who's sharing the apartment with you? well, i... i... i... ehh... mr. roper told me all about him. i thought he must be away since you let me have his room. no, mother. it's not as bad as it look yes, dear, i know. it's all right. you... you-you mean that... you don't mind? mind? i'm delighted! what, with all the terrible things that go on in this town it's such a relief to know that you have a man to protect you. or in this case, someone like jack. well, i promise you-- i'll never let them out of my sight. thanks, jack. i know i can trust you. good night. good night.
mom, dad, this is stupid. how come you embarrass me? that's our job. we're your parents. can i take this off? you wanted a surprise for your birthday. you're getting one. surprise! surprise! cds! yes! well, what's a new cd player without cds? here. your mom and i got you a gift certificate. hey, thanks, you guys. i want to take pictures. that's the 30th picture you've taken. it's your birthday. now smile, damn it. oh, great. i'm out of film. hold on. come here. i know how expensive cds are, matthew, so here's an extra 10, but don't tell your mom. thanks, dad. i'm glad you two got together for my birthday. oh, that's very sweet, matthew. i'm raking it in. what?
she did? it's her way of telling me she loves me. a person shouldn't put a price on love. here's an extra 20. while you're looking for cds, i'll buy something myself. uh, excuse me. you have a classical section? like the grateful dead? i'll just look around. he gave you an extra 20? he can't help it if he loves me. and i don't love you? here. go crazy. all right. yes! our boy's growing up, isn't he? yep. and there's a lot of you in him. dear john dear john
ralphie. oh, hi, kirk. hey, ralphie, do you remember that money you loaned me? the 100 bucks so your grandmother could have her tubes tied? whatever. ralphie, it is payback time. hold out your hand. 1. 2. 3. i can't do this to you, ralph. what kind of guy would i be not allowing you in on the investment opportunity of a lifetime?
nothing. you're lucky you got me as a partner. partner? deal. my buddy down at the docks told me they unload the unclaimed freight at bargain prices. just last week, he snapped up 100 ball-point pens with a picture of the statue of liberty for $1.00 apiece. you can get them on any street corner for less. not this kind, ralphie. when you turn lady liberty upside down, her robe slides off, and her torch lights up. really? my friend made 500% on his investment. that's hard to imagine. it's true. he sold every single pen. i mean, it's hard to imagine the statue of liberty naked. ralph. what do you say? 100 bucks, we're in business. all right.
wait a minute. there's only $97 here. ralphie, is that any way to start a partnership? oh, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. yeah. 98...99...100. boy, timing is everything. if you'd have asked me to invest yesterday, i wouldn't have had the money. hi, guys. hello. hey, ladies. this is your life line. which one? this one, see? you can look forward to a long, healthy life. oh, my goodness. this venus area indicates a strong sexual appetite. you, too, huh, red? in that case, what do you say you and i go out later and get our oysters rockefellered? i've got a better idea. why don't you stay home,
here, louise, let me see your hand. i've never believed you could tell all about people simply by looking at their hands. you are fair and well-liked by everyone. but as i always say, keep an open mind. now, what the hell's happened to my sexual appetite? hello, everybody. hi, john. what a great day i had. i was out celebrating my son matthew's birthday. that's one sharp kid i've got. he conned me out of $30. boy, john, you sure are gullible. it was great. wendy and i spent the day with him. wendy? yeah. matthew wanted to spend it with both his parents. how did wendy's boyfriend feel about that? mike? mike and wendy split up months ago. he moved to california. so, after two years,
and you're seeing your ex-wife again. oohh! oohh! now wait a minute. wendy and i got together only to celebrate matthew's birthday. end of the day, wendy kissed my cheek. that's it. just like when you were married, huh, john? so, will you be dating your ex-wife again soon? louise, we are not ding. wendy is the mother of my child. that's all. i am 100% over that woman. we are history. finis. kaput, o.k.? let's talk about something else. i dated my second husband after our divorce. let's talk about this. how did that go?
i know i had a pulse before i started. [doorbell rings] just a minute. ahh... uhh... whew... hello, wendy. hi, john. oh, am i, uh, interrupting anything? no, just my coronary. don't worry about it. i'll have it later. i got the pictures back from matthew's birthday, and i thought you might like to see them. i would. thanks again for yesterday. matthew had a great time, and so did i. i'm really proud of that kid. you and i, we done good. let's see the pictures. get a load of that devilish smile when matthew opened that cd player.
yeah, you got to love him. wait till you see the ones in the amusement park. look at you two stuffing yourselves with pizza. there we are at the corndog-eating contest. i can't believe i ate six. there you are getting that free cholesterol test. there i am buying this exercise machine here. oh, look at that kid. i can't believe he's 12 years old. it seems like just yesterday he was taking his first steps. i remember. he was so cute, a tiny little person standing there in the kitchen holding onto the chair. he steps back, starts wobbling, and he's walking, walking right to me, taking his first steps to his good old dad. he walked to his good old mom in the den. the kitchen. the den. the kitchen. den. the kitchen. what would i be doing in the kitchen?
no, i'm right about this. i'll prove it to you. do you have that photo album i gave you? it's my prized possession. you got the house, i got the pictures of it. there's a picture of matthew taking his first steps. and it will prove you wrong. aha, here it is. i was right. john... all right. so he walked to you first, but i was the first one he spit up on. he was such a beautiful baby. those were the happiest days of my life. mine, too. remember how we always wanted to give matthew a little baby brother or sister? as things turned out, it's just as well we didn't. now, i have a few more corndogs to work off. oh, i just love this one--
oh, look at those tears. i couldn't help it. that was a tough moment for me. oh, what a kid. there is nothing i wouldn't do for matthew, and certainly nothing i'd deny him. and i'm sure you feel the same way. wait a minute. hold on, wendy. now i know why you came over here. it's not matthew, it's about you. right? you're doing it again. get me all soft and mushy, then move in for the kill. what do you want this time-- new car, furniture? what do you want?
"stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life.
i'm just about ready to leave for the day, when my boss calls me into his office. is this the good-looking, available, when-is-he-going-to- notice-me boss? that's the one. first, he compliments me on how attractive i am and how glad he is i'm a nonsmoker. then, he says there is a dinner party to celebrate his mother's birthday. and, well, he knows it's late notice, but could i-- go to the party with him! no, pick out his mother's present. that creep! can you believe it? he expects me to use my free time to run his personal errands. that's not in my job description. what did you get? a beautiful lace tablecloth. evening, everybody. hello. come on, mary beth, you've read everybody else's palm. all right.
well, is that good? well, i'd say you're either going to be very rich, or your dog is going to die. i'm going to be rich! lucky me! my dog died last year. hey, ralph! do you want to hear some great news? as long as you don't tell me my dog washed up on shore. i'll try and remember that. look what i scored for us down at the docks-- 200 pair of these babies. panty hose? not just panty hose, louise, support panty hose for the full-figured woman. $3.50 a pair. they come in three sizes-- xl, xxl, and t.l.f.l.
what do you think, 3.50? if she's a pound. [mumbles] yeah? well, that's the way it goes. hi, john. hi. so, john, how's the coffee? oh, fine. fine. wild guess--you're preoccupied this evening. what makes you think that? you look like you haven't slept in days. and you're wearing stripes with plaid. am i a trend setter or what? o.k., i, uh... i got a woman problem-- a big woman problem.
kirk! does this, perchance, have something to do with wendy? does it ever. i've been ducking her calls. that's no way to behave. if we've learned anything in this group, it's to face our problems squarely. running away never helped anything. whatever it is, face it like a man. wendy wants to have my baby. rip the phone off the wall and get your fingerprints changed. wendy wants you two to have another child? yes, and i don't know what to do about it. well, isn't life full of surprises? just last week you said you and wendy were, as you so succinctly put it, finis, kaput. now you're talking about having another baby. how did all this happen? did wendy say she wanted to get back together? she's too smart for that.
no strings attached. no commitment. ho ho huh. yeah, ho ho huh. nobody looked at john when he said it. john, john, john, john. i think you may be reading this whole situation wrong. how do you figure? well...we're in a very sensitive area here. uh... ooh, uh... what are you trying to say? um...o.k. because this is your ex-wife, i'm going to try and put this as delicately as possible. it seems to me your old lady wants to play mattress hockey with a familiar puck. no, you see... see, wendy knows me. she knows if we sleep together i'll fall for her again,
if it doesn't work out, i'm back where i was when i walked in here. exactly. remember what that was like? yes, i do. you were a destroyed, broken, shell of a man-- yes, i remember. who had his whole life torn apart. john, you were pathetic. i was embarrassed to be with you. maybe so, but-- depressed... no fun to be with. i know. why do you think i never gave you a tumble? o.k. o.k. i remember that, but i also remember the 10 happy years before. you should have seen her the other day. she's still very beautiful. she's got a great body, legs that won't quit, the same cute little figure. getting back with her would make my life so simple. let's face it, i know where everything is. familiarity is no reason
that ended in disaster. i know where everything thing is in my spice rack, but you don't see me throwing cayenne pepper into my eyes. of course, you're right. you make all the sense in the world, but you should have seen us-- me, matthew, and wendy. i felt like we were a family again. take a look at this picture. how could you not want to have another kid like that? boy, matthew sure is cute. when did he grow the mustache? that's the midget selling the corndogs. this thing is driving me crazy. i can't sleep, i can't think. will somebody tell me what to do? not you, kirk. john... i know this is a difficult decision for you, but all we can urge you to do is to proceed with caution.
in the final analysis, your fate is in your hands. john. huh? i want you to know whatever you decide, i'm behind you 100%. if you two decide to have this baby, it's a beautiful thing. there's nothing like bringing new life into this world. remember, while wendy's pregnant, she's going to need a lot of support. nothing, but nothing, gives support like a pair of these babies right here. look at that. john, i must admit when you said you planned something special, i never dreamt something this extravagant. well, we had something very important to discuss. [voices drowned out by hot air blast] do you have to do that? what? do you have to do that? what? [noise stops]
we're in a hot-air balloon. if i don't, this becomes a tree house. [blast] this is a better place to talk than a crowded restaurant where strangers could overhear us. smart move, pal. we're trying to have a private conversation. you want me to leave? did those tickets i bought from you include a tip? hey, i'm not even here. bye. wow, look at this. it's a beautiful sunset, isn't it? yeah. i never thought tonight would be so... romantic? no. ld. oh, here. give me that. oohh. uh, wendy... i was thinking over what you were talking about the other day, and i know, uh, it's a gamble but, um... but what? well...you and i do make good babies. oh, we sure do. i would love to be a father again.
yes, especially since you'll be the mother. oh, john! did you hear that, new york? i'm going to have another baby! hey, new york! me, too. john, this is incredible. yes. i've got it all planned. after the balloon ride, on the off chance we survive this, we'll go to my place, put on a johnny mathis album-- johnny mathis? oh, well, john, um... i had something else in mind. i'm up for almost anything. what's your plan? [blast] you want me to go to a sperm bank?
last time... so...after two years, mike's out of the picture, and you're seeing your ex-wife again. ooh! ooh! ooh! now, wait a minute. wendy and i got together to celebrate matthew's birthday. wendy kissed me on the cheek. that was it. just like when you were married, huh, john? now, look, i am 100% over that woman. we are history, finis, caput, o.k.? there is nothing i wouldn't do for matthew. nothing i would deny him. surely you feel the same way? what do you want-- a car, a vacation, new furniture? what do you want? i want us to have another baby. we do make good babies. we sure do. i'd love to be a father again. oh, john!
i've got it planned out. after the balloon ride, if we survive this, we'll go back to my place, put on a johnny mathis album-- johnny mathis? ha ha ha! oh, well, john, um... gee, i had something else in mind. what's your plan? [air gushes] you want me to go to a sperm bank? dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done
hold the elevator, please. oh, john, isn't this an adorable little baby? hell, no. this little guy's going to college. we're putting money in an account for his education. wendy wants me to go down to the bank and make a deposit for our baby. good night. i know you're mad. i want to have another child while i can. i want you to be the father. matthew would have a real brother or sister. now, here's the address of the sperm bank. how does matthew feel about this? he said it would be a sensible idea. he said it would be bitchin'. oh. this is probably the most important thing i'll ask you to do for me.
will you just think about it? that's him. you think my baby's ugly? h-hell, no. so, kate, how was your big date? i've had it with men. this guy took me to an elegant restaurant, said he was drawn to my spiritual side, then he grabbed my thigh. funny, that's my spiritual side, too. hi, everybody. hello, mary beth. heard how things are between john and wendy? no, not yet. wouldn't it be romantic if they got back together again? yeah. they say love is lovelier the second time around. baloney. i went through that with an ex-husband.