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tv   Today  NBC  February 4, 2016 10:00am-11:00am PST

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[screaming] what is it? oh, master, i am so frightened. calm down. just calm down. how can i calm down when something terrible is going to happen? what--? what's gonna happen? i-- i am not sure exactly, but i had this t-terrible dream, and-- and then i woke up and-- jeannie, jeannie. it was a nightmare. a nightmare. now, you go-- you go back to your bottle and forget all about it. it's just a dream. oh, that is what worries me, master. my dreams always come true. oh! your--? your dreams always come true? oh, yes, master. something terrible is going to happen. [wailing] oh, no. now, don't worry. you're gonna be fine. you're gonna be fine. oh, i know. nothing is going to happen to me, master. it is going to happen to you! [wailing] w-wait. what's gonna happen? [screaming] shh! [ ]
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[ ] [ ] let me do that, jeannie. oh, i am sorry, master. but i do not want to lose you. oh, you're not gonna lose me. my dreams always come true. yeah. uh, jeannie, exactly what did you dream about? well, i cannot remember exactly what it was. well, you must have some idea. uh, was it involving, uh, an automobile accident? no, i do not think so. an earthquake? no. well, jeannie, it must be something. mm-mm. hm! an animal. an animal? oh, it is all coming back to me now. yeah? you are going to be attacked. attacked by what? a cat. [laughing] a cat? [gasping] oh, it was terrible.
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and he was crouching over you, don't do that. ready to eat you. stop playing around. oh! and i was not there to protect you. hi, tony. hey, look what i've got. three front row tickets. yeah, for what? for the circus. the circus? yeah, i haven't been there since i was a kid, and i thought maybe you and jeannie and i, we could go-- i'm sorry, roge, i-- no. but don't you like circuses? do you know what they have at the circus? yeah, they have tightrope walkers and clowns and acrobats and-- and wild animals. yeah, wild animals. well, jeannie had a dream last night that i was attacked by wild animals. oh. here's your ticket. i'll have these exchanged for two back row seats. you couldn't pay me to go to that thing. now that we know where the trouble could've come from, there's nothing to worry about. right. [ ] give me a screwdriver, will you, roge? [sighing] oh, thanks. how's it look?
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the main rotor head's the one that's gonna give us a problem. is everything all right? oh, yes, yes. everything's just fine. you don't have to worry. oh, i hope you are right. the circus is probably clear on the other side of town by now. oh, very well. then i think i will go shopping. good, good. you do that. have fun. would you like to come with me? no, no, i have to finish up this project. what are you doing? well, i'm trying to miniaturize these parts. miniaturize? mm-hm. yeah, make smaller. why do you want them smaller? oh, well, one of the problems in sending up a missile is that you have to have hundreds of pounds of thrust for every payload pound you carry, you understand? no. well, what tony means is, if we can reduce the size of the parts, we can get more into the missile. oh, i see. you mean, if that is tiny, then you will have more room for other things. yeah, well, something like that, yeah. jeannie: oh, well. i am sure you will be able to do it, master.
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across the nile. everyone said that it could not be done-- uh, jeannie, why don't you go shopping? [giggling] yes, master. bye-bye. bye. [ ] here's that wiring diagram. [whistling] do you know what that looks like? that looks like the rotor's been miniaturized. jeannie! do you realize what she's done? she's saved us a year's work. oh, she could miniaturize the whole missile. oh! oh, tony. tony? tony. tony: i'm down here. down where? hi, i'm down here, roge. i'm down--
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what are you doing down there? she shrunk me. she blinked at the rotor head and miniaturized it, and some of it spilled over on me. don't panic, so you're a little short. uh-- uh-- uh, go-- go find jeannie. well, she went shopping. well, go find-- maybe she hasn't left yet. yeah, okay. i'll look in the house. wait a minute! wait a minute! don't leave me here. don't get excited now. be careful. ahh! you're squeezing me! i'll take you with me. hold on. you're in good hands. jeannie! jeannie? tony's in trouble! tony: you're shaking me. be careful, will ya? you gotta help him! tony: put me down. over there on top of the desk. now, careful. careful. okay, just sit right here. easy. easy! roger, she's gone. you gotta find her. now, look, just take it easy. everything's gonna be all right. what do you mean, all right? look what she's done to me. roger: hey, maybe jeannie's got something there. do you realize if she shrank a hundred astronauts,
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roger! oh, yeah. okay. just relax. i'll go and get jeannie. and hurry! yeah, okay, but, uh, don't do any walking, huh? if anybody stepped on you, you'd really be short. [laughing] yeah, yeah. hello. anybody home? major nelson? [meowing] it's dr. bellows. hide. bellows: uh, major nelson? well... [meowing] [clears throat] ah, major healey. yes, sir. yes, sir. oh, uh, major nelson's not here. bellows: that's strange. he asked me to stop by and pick up a chart he made for me. roger: why would he do that? oh, yeah. well, he had to leave unexpectedly. bellows: well, i'll just wait here. roger: i wouldn't do that, sir. who knows when he'll be back. bellows: perhaps you're right. i'll just phone my office and see if i can-- oh! oh, i wouldn't do that, sir. on second thought, he'll probably be right back. you seem terribly nervous, major. oh-- do you have a problem? well, just a tiny one, sir.
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well, i'm glad to hear that. oh, don't move! don't move! don't move? why? stand still. why? oh, well, i, uh-- ahem, i lost a crystal to my watch. oh, your crystal? well, i... roger: i'll tell you what. why don't we tiptoe out on the patio, and we'll get a little suntan out there. i don't want a suntan, major. look, do you happen to know where major nelson left that decompression chart? i-- oh, oh. it's-- it's upstairs in the study. why don't we go up to the study? it's probably there. we'll just tiptoe up there. oh, very well. very nicely, watch out for the crystal. watch it, watch it, watch it. watch it. watch it, now. that's it. easy does it. up to the study we go. watch out.
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[ ] [growling] [ ]
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[growling] [growling] [growling] ahh! [ ] [ringing] well, um, uh, shouldn't we answer it? it might be important. it's probably the wrong number. oh! i'll get it, sir.
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[chuckles] ah. hello. hello, major healey. oh, boy. am i glad to hear from you. i am having such fun shopping that i have decided to spend the whole afternoon at the market. well, uh, i wouldn't do that if i were you. jeannie: oh, i am sure major nelson would not mind. may i speak with him, please? well, uh, he can't reach the phone. i mean, we can't reach him to reach the phone. ah, he's still working. was he pleased at what i did? well, uh, i don't think "pleased" is the word. you see, he's feeling very low. feeling very low. i know why. he loves to do everything himself. he never wants me to help him. well, i think you've over-helped him. well, if he is very unhappy, i will come right home now. oh, not now! oh-- major, can we get on with this? roger: oh, yes, sir. i will-- get on-- [chuckling] yes, sir. yes, sir. jeannie: very well then. i will spend the whole afternoon at the market. you will not believe this, but i have found
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bye-bye, major healey. oh! don't go! don't go-- h-hello? oh, she just hung up. [screaming] jeannie! [cat growling] ow! [screaming] [ ] [growling] [growling] [pasodoble music playing] ha, ha. [screaming]
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ahh! tony: get outta here, you bruiser! back, back! no! jeannie! look out, look out, look out! you, you, you, you-- look out! jeannie! stay away from me. back! back! back! i knew they had to be here. wait a minute, sir. what? i'll go first, sir. oh, yes, the crystal. yeah, crystal. tippy-toe. well, uh, i'd better be getting back to the base. oh, uh, tell major nelson i have the chart, will you? yeah, well, he'll be glad you missed him. i mean, he'll be sorry he missed you. hm. yes. oh, i did want to discuss this chart with him before i turned in it. i know, i can go over it with you in my office. good idea, sir. first thing monday morning. no, i meant now, major healey. well, i'm afraid i can't do that, sir. major, general peterson is waiting for it. did you have anything more important to do? [cat meows] [meowing] huh? major, i asked you: did you have anything more important to do? well, no, sir. i'll-- i'll be right there, sir.
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[smacking] oh, what a way to go. if you're ready, major. bye, buddy. [ ] [thud] [yelling] hey, wait a minute! whoa! ah, whoa! ahh! jeannie, jeannie! let me off this thing, will ya? jeannie! [screaming] jeannie! do something! [growls]
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lady, would you mind not pinching the oranges. but, how else can i tell whether they are ripe? you buy them, and then you pinch them. in atlantis, we always pinch them. look, lady, this ain't georgia. please keep your hands off the fruit. how much are they? twenty-nine cents a pound. twenty-nine cents--? why, that is robbery! in atlantis, the oranges are 10 times the size of these, and we only charge three teklas. look, lady. i'm not running a debating society. if you're not gonna buy anything, please move on. oh, no wonder you are so bad tempered. you are ashamed of the poor merchandise you have to sell. i will give you something you can be proud of. ah. now, here is a real orange. you may pinch this if you like. and i would suggest that you do not charge
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goodbye. whoa, wait a minute! hey, wait a minute! [cat growling] ahh! [screaming] [thud] [growls] [growling] [cat roars] [ ]
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[loud ringing] [screaming] oh, no! what is it? [ringing continues] hey, help! help! [sighs] [phone ringing] [screaming] [growling]
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[ ] [growling]
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[growling] [screaming] jeannie! jeannie! well, major, this test is most encouraging. you spent over seven and a half hours under stress in the decompression chamber without any adverse psychological effects. well, i'm happy to say that you're completely normal. dr. bellows? mm? there's something i better tell you. yes? [sighs] i killed my best friend. what are you talking about? major nelson, sir. you killed major nelson? i should've done something, but i didn't know there was a cat in the house. you didn't know there was a cat in the house?
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what are we gonna do? i'll tell you what we're going to do. we're going to start your test all over again. now, major. [growling] [screaming] jeannie: master? jeannie! master, i'm home. [meowing] [screaming] master, what are you doing playing with the cat? what? that is a terrible thing to do. i told you cats were dangerous for you. and so tiny. you had no business to-- [banging on door] oh. you're too late, jeannie. too late for what? d-don't you know what happened to tony? tony: yeah, i know what happened to tony. tony? tony!
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oh, oh, oh! i didn't kill him. i didn't kill him. when i saw the cat licking his lips-- why did you let him play with the cat? you had no business letting him be so tiny and playing with the cat. why did roger? what do you mean? i should always be here-- you were responsible for the whole thing. we were in the garage minding our own business when you decided to shrink-- no, i wasn't-- [ ] hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. of course in excruciating pain. i'm alive today because of philips lifeline. philips lifeline is the number one
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[chuckling] what's that doing up there anyhow? master. what is it? i am sorry i made you nervous. who? m-me? oh, jeannie. you-- you didn't really think i was scared of that cat, did ya? you were not? [chuckling] of course not. oh, i am glad. take this out to the patio for me, will ya?
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thanks. [laughing] she really thought i was scared of that little cat. [meows] tony: help! help! get back! oh, hello, dr. bellows. what is it now, major? what is what now, sir? oh, well, i was just playing with the little-- little cat. yes. i came over to bring you the results of your psychological tests. oh, yes, sir. i'm afraid we'll have to start the tests all over again. [kitten meows] goodbye, major. you don't have to leave. don't leave me here with-- [sighs] [tony screaming] no, stop! back! [screaming] back! jeannie! [ ]
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[screams] aagh! what are you--? oh, master, what has happened to you? huh? what do you mean? you've turned green. oh. heh, jeannie, it's all right. it's my skin diving outfit. oh. what? thank heaven. i thought that while i was sleeping, someone had turned you into that. [chuckles] no. oh, where are you going, master? it is 4:00 in the morning. uh, well, it's gonna be dawn in a couple of minutes. i'm going down to the beach. dressed like that?
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oh, that is a waste of time, master. i can give you all the treasures you desire. uh, no, if you don't mind, i'd rather find it myself. if i live to be another 2000 years old, i will not understand you. well, it's not the treasure i'm interested in, jeannie. it's the hunt, you see. how do you know there is treasure there? well, i-i don't know exactly. it's just that, uh, a lot of pirate ships used to ply the waters off the coast here, and it's rumored that captain kidd had a ship to go down with a lot of sunken treasure on it. who--? who was this captain kidd? oh, i was just reading about him. here. now, let's see. captain kidd, captain... [mumbles indistinctly] oh, yeah. uh, "william kidd "started out as a respectable seaman. "the british government sent him out "to harass the french fleet in 1700. "his men forced him to turn renegade, and he became a pirate." well, he was quite a fellow. it took the whole british navy to look for him. [scoffs] i am sure he was not as brave as you, master. [chuckles] oh, no, jeannie.
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ah, i am sure you would have beaten him, master. oh, i doubt it. oh, yes, you would have. that all right with you, fellas? [cheers] kidd: hey, you! huh? oh, who--? me? me? yeah, you! kill him, captain kidd. with pleasure. prepare to die! uh, now, now, now, wait a minute! agh! jeannie! jeannie!
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[ ] jeannie! jeannie! [shouting] what was keeping you so long, huh? i want-- get him, master! i told you-- [laughing] uh, i'm sorry, captain.
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[cheering] kill him, master! haaugh! aagh! [water splashes] [ ] he beat captain kidd. [giggles] any orders, captain? all: hooray! um, "captain"? you'll be captain kidd. you're our new leader. [all cheer] well, i certainly appreciate your offer, but i'm afraid i'm not gonna be able to stay. you ain't thinkin' of runnin' out on us, are you? no. no, but i-i do have--
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is feet first. all: yeah. feet first? any orders? uh, no, no, not at the moment, but if i, um-- if i have any, i'll certainly let you know. aye, aye, captain. back to work, you lubbers. you. me, sir? yes. i wanna see you alone. oh. well, i-i have a lot of work to do, captain, master. no, no, no, i wanna talk-- what do you want to do with the prisoner? uh, prisoner? what prisoner is that? the girl we captured from the british frigate. oh, yes, yes. that prisoner. do you want to kill her, or do you want me to? kill her? i'll do it. [laughing] no, no, i'll do it. i'll do it. have fun. [ ] boy.
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hey, that's my cabin. yes, well, you're certainly a messy housekeeper. clean that place up. no, no, no. she's in the captain's cabin. all right. i'll call you when i need you. oh, but-- don't touch me! [stammers] there's nothing to worry about, ma'am. i'm major anthony nelson, united stated air force. [screams] shhh. i just wanna cut your rope. did you call me, captain? uh, no, i did not. if i want you, i'll certainly let you know. now, go upstairs and swab the decks. aye, captain. [door closes] how did you get on this ship, anyway? as if you didn't know. what did you do with the others? wh-what others? don't pretend you and your blood-thirsty crew didn't board the yarmouth and sink it. but you'll pay for it. right now, there's a british frigate searching for you. i didn't have anything to do with this, miss. actually, i'm just passing by.
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do you really mean that? yes. i told you if i need you-- master? oh. i think we'd better leave here quickly. we can't leave now. they're going to kill this girl. but if you stay, they are going to kill you. i heard them talking up on deck. the first mate wants to take over the ship. he can have it. but i'm not gonna leave here without her. very well, master. i will try to find out how they plan to kill you. oh, you were right, master. this is so exciting! [squeals] [chuckles] who was that? oh, uh, that was an old, old friend of mine. my husband will pay you well if you could save me. he'll give you anything. oh, that's not necessary. forgive me. i haven't introduced myself. i'm lady diane nelson. oh, i'm, uh, major anthony nelson. did you say, uh, lady diane nelson? yes. are you married to lord charles alfred nelson? you know my husband? know him? why,
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i beg your pardon. and that means that you're my great-great-great- great-grandmother. what are you talking about? you're gonna have a son named-- named, uh-- named william, and you're gonna have a daughter named priscilla. that is, if i can get you off this boat. and if i can't get you off this boat, i'm not gonna be born. [screaming] shhh. oh, please, don't do that. [screaming] captain? oh, what are you doing here? what's taking you so long? we can't kill her. what? i mean-- i mean, we can't kill her now. look, uh... i, uh-- i think we should torture her a little bit. she's probably got plenty of hidden treasure she could tell us about. ohhh, good thinking. [both laugh] yeah, go boil some water. yeah-- boil some water? and-- and heat up a branding iron. all right, skipper. oh, no! no, you promised! [sobbing] no, you promised! you promised! no, i'm not gonna let anybody hurt you.
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but how are you gonna get me off the ship? uh, i've got a very influential friend. now, you just stay right there. uh, don't go away. be calm. [ ] don't go away. jeannie, where have you been? give me that thing. you're gonna cut your head off. are you ready to leave, master? i-i can't leave yet. do you know who that girl is? no. that's my great-great-great- great-grandmother. really? well, i never would've known it. she does not look a bit like you. that's not the point, jeannie. the point is, if i don't get her off this ship, there's not gonna be any me. how are you going to rescue her, master? you are in as much danger as she is. shh-shh. you should-- you should hear their plans for you. i'm gonna sneak her off the ship and get her on that island. she told me there's a british frigate looking for the pirates. i'll find out some way of signaling 'em. oh, that is a wonderful idea-- hey you! back to work. yeah, yeah, get back to work.
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the iron will be hot in a minute. when it's through, i just can't wait to see her walk the plank. yeah, yeah. [chuckles] it'll be a billion laughs. [ ] i don't trust that one. he has an honest face. get the men and let's take him now. aye, aye, mate. [gasps] shh-shh. i have a plan. i'm gonna get you off this boat. oh, how? heh? how? oh, uh, i want you to put on these clothes. we'll sneak you off this ship and over to the island. that british frigate you were talking about should be along any minute now. and we'll send up smoke signals. master? master? oh, hurry, they are coming after you. why? to kill you. oh, jeannie, they can't do that.
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[both scream] what do we do now? we're gonna change our plans. [sword slashes] naagh! there they are. get 'em! all right, stand back. stand back! i mean it! all right, you asked for it. go up the back steps. there are no back steps! they don't build ships the way they used to. grab him! aye, aye, captain. no! no! wait a minute, wait a minute. take your hands off of me. i don't think you know who i am. i happen to be major anthony nelson, in the air force of the united states. and if you're wise, you'll let me walk out of here. oh, you want to take a walk, do ya? all right. tomorrow at sunrise, you'll walk the plank. [cackling] take 'em to the brig. now, wait a minute. [screams] take your hands off-- oh, oh.
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pull 'em up! hey, wait a minute. which one of you wants to walk the plank first? wait! let him walk the plank. but the girl-- you save the girl for us, huh! [gasps] all: yeah, yeah. no, no, no. they both got to walk the plank. we don't want any witnesses. here! smell that smoke. ah-ha-ha. oh-ho-ho. yes. eh. wait a second. ladies, first. [laughs] [gasping] [laughs] give my regards to captain kidd, will ya, now? this isn't legal, you know. you can get in a lot of trouble for this. really, where? don't keep the sharks waitin' now, will you? [cannon booms] hey, there's a british man-of-war approaching!
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oh. it's headin' this way. [cannon booms] what are we gonna do? they will sink us. no, they won't. not as long as we hold lady diane prisoner. [laughs] [grunting] they're gettin' away!
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i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow!
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[howling]
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ngng] uh, you two go on ahead. i'll try to hold 'em off. [screaming] [screams] oh. thanks. thanks a lot. you are the bravest master i've ever had. come on, mateys. thank you. oh, jeannie, you get going, will ya? they're coming. go on. [screams] jeannie, what is this? jeannie! what is this?!
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[gunshots] [gunshot] [bonks] [gunshots] [indistinct shouting] [gunshots] agh! master. let us get out of here. yeah, we're not gonna be able to hold out much longer. agh! lady diane, would you excuse me, please? [screams] what are you doing? i have a plan, jeannie. i'm gonna make a white flag. if i can give myself up, maybe they'll let you and lady diane go. lady diane: i won't let them capture me again.
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what is your next plan, master? [gunshot] it's no use. they're closing in. jeannie, we gotta get her out of here. i know. if they kill her, there will not be a you. yeah. and i would not like that very much. yeah, neither would i. [gunshots] i know what i will do. [ ] attention! the marines have landed. oh, they are not marines, master. they are british soldiers from the frigate. that's just a figure of speech, jeannie. i'll never say an unkind word about you again. aww. hey! take aim. tony: here we are! fire! can't you do anything right? i am sorry, master. give me the flag. jeannie: it is here. [gunshots] hold your fire!
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oh! we're saved. [weeping] oh, jeannie, i-i-- i'm sorry-- i know, i know, you will never say another unkind word about me again. i only said it in the heat of action. hey! hey, there, here we come. you know, british flag. ha-ha! hey! hey! hey, flag. see? hey! ha-ha! [chuckling] hey! lady diane. are you all right? oh, now i am. get the rest of those pirates. [chuckling] hey! boy, are you a sight for sore eyes. you got here just in time. splendid. hang him. hang him? wait a minute. i'm one of the good guys. captain, this man saved my life. it was nothing. anybody would do it. we have orders to hang all pirates on sight. i happen to be major anthony nelson, united states air force, on detached service to nasa. is there no way to save him? none, ma'am. we're under king's orders.
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now, wait a minute. wait. lady diane: goodbye. i guess you're not going to be my great-great-great- great-grandson. i guess i'm not. here. captain: continue the execution. jeannie! [indistinct shouting] [gunshots] [magic boings] [gunshots] tony: jeannie! jeannie! wait a minute. jeannie! wait a minute, this is a mistake. wait a minute, you guys. jeannie! jeannie!
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wait a minute, you guys. i'm not exactly who i-i, um, seem. please. jeannie! attention! ready! wait a minute! go! knock that-- oh, that was fun, master. can we do it again? no. would you--? would you please get me out of this? i told you you would beat captain kidd, master. the next time i open my mouth, don't listen. oh, it was nothing, master. [doorbell rings] oh. [magic boings] yes, can i help you? got anything that needs killin', mate? how--? how did you get here? in my car. in your car?
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if you got 'em, we kill 'em. [laughs] [chuckles] yeah. oh, yeah. it's-- it's-- it's remarkable. that's right, mate. and we guarantee all our work. would you like a demonstration? oh no, th-- thank you, i've had a very trying day. perhaps some other time, yes? just as you say, mate. i'll be back. cheerio. cheerio. [ ] [laughing] oh? did you see him? did you see him?
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] [grunting]
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oh, well, i was just practicing up my sword arm. it's a little sore. i have to keep it in shape. oh. did you enjoy being a pirate, master? well, i shouldn't admit it, but, uh... yeah, i loved it. oh, i am glad! are there any other pirates you would like to meet, master? eh, no, no, no, no. you've met one, you've met 'em all. oh, i... i suppose so. i liked your great-great-great- great-grandmother, though. oh, yes. she was wonderful, wasn't she? mm. i have a little trouble thinking of her as a sweet little old lady. she had a lot of courage. oh, yes. and your great-great-great- great-grandfather was very brave also. and handsome. i wonder what he looked like? would you really like to know? yes. no, no, i don't wanna go back. really, i don't. oh, this will interest you, master. no, jeannie, please. yeah, uh-- oh. say. "the book of english nobility." how about that? hm.
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jeannie: oh, she is lovely. what did her husband look like? tony [chuckling]: how 'bout that. [laughing] i wonder what would've happened if we hadn't been able to save her. i-i mean, if i'd had the same grandfather but a different grandmother. would you really like to know, master? yeah, yeah. would i look very different? [giggles] a little. [laughing] [in british accent] now, see here, jeannie. i don't think this is funny at all. you are being absolutely ridiculous. now, you stop this. [ ]
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green acres is the place to be
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