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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  February 5, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST

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>> uh, typical of a nocturnal animal. >> that's very pretty. >> she sleeps wrapped up in a little blanket and, uh, she isn't even on display yet. she's just gone through quarantine coming in from new guinea. now you can kind of see the pouch right here. >> the little pouch there. yeah. >> right there. right on her belly. >> well, isn't she pretty. >> uh-huh. >> okay. thank you, joan. it's always good to have you on the show. [ applause ] >> and, uh, we'll see you again soon. >> okay. >> thanks much. [ applause ] now we'll take a break? and then art donovan's going to join us.
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[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you. umm, art donovan was one of the best defensive tackles ever to play the game of football, which he did for 12 years. most of it with the baltimore colts. he was, uh, all-pro four times. played on two championship teams. was inducted in the football hall of fame in 1968. would you welcome art donovan. art?
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[ applause ] >> it's nice to have you with us tonight. >> thank you. >> are yo-- >> gotta watch out for those bugs. >> yeah. [ laughs ] are you pretty close to your playing weight? when you played pro ball? >> uh, i weighed about-- two years ago, i weighed about 340. >> three forty. >> i'm down to about, uh, 295 now. >> yeah. now when you were with the colts about what did you range at? >> well, i-i had a weigh-in every friday morning at 275. and sunday morning i was 285. [ laughter ] >> i didn't eat all week long. i drank a few beers, but that was it. >> i read your book a couple of days ago. you had a book called, "fatso." that's what they called you when you played pro ball, right? >> that's what everybody calls me. >> yeah. >> i wonder why? >> yeah. [ laughs ] [ laughter ] >> i was 17 pounds when i was born. >> yeah. seriously? >> yeah. my mother couldn't walk for about three weeks. [ laughter ] >> seventeen pounds. do you, umm, you still get a kick out of watching the game a lot? it's changed a lot since you played. >> it's changed. i watch, uh-- i don't watch, uh-- i'm not gonna waste my time watching, uh-uh,
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san diego chargers, or-- i watch schuler's team and i watch raymond berry's team on account of they're my teammates. >> yeah. >> but other than that, i watch the bears. i like dick and the way he acts. >> yeah. >> and, uh-- [ applause ] >> you know, i just-- so many other games. >> you played when football was a different kind of game. now let me ask you-- there's a rule that they have now called "in the grasp." >> beautiful. >> the quarterback goes back. a guy comes in, grabs his jersey. the whistle blows. they say, "he's in the grasp." >> yeah, well i want to know the official-- how he knows in the grasp is. >> yeah. >> like when we played, the guy-- the quarterback threw the ball. >> yeah. >> and about five seconds after he threw it-- he threw the ball, you hit him. >> right. >> and the officials say, "you're gettin' close. don't do it anymore." [ laughter ] >> "i'm sorry. i won't do it." you know? four plays later. boom! the same. >> you intimidated in those days, right? >> ya hadda. >> was this the day before the-- you had the cage? >> well, ya had a cage. now ya can't even get your fingers in there anymore. [ laughter ] >> they've got plastic going around. >> gee-gee, what a shame, art. what a hell of a shame
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uh, are the players different today? now-- >> i don't know, because i don't play today. [ laughter ] >> you know, they, uh-- they-they get hurt and they lay on the ground for 15 minutes and you've got the, uh, chaplain in and the assistant chaplain. [ laughter ] >> and you got the, uh-- the trainer and his assistant and the equipment man out there. i don't know what the hell he's out there for. [ laughter ] >> and after 15 minutes, the guy jumps up and runs off the field. >> he's-- >> what the hell is this all about? >> yeah. and well-well, when you played, uh-uh-uh-- according to your book, you guys played hurt. i mean really hurt. >> well, uh, we had to play. >> right. >> one time i broke my leg and two weeks after i broke my leg, the coach says, "well, you gotta play." i say, "well, i can't play. i can't even walk. how the hell am i gonna play football?" he says, "well, when they snap the ball, fall down." [ laughter ] >> he says, "maybe you're lucky and somebody will trip over ya." every time they'd snap the ball, i'd fall down. [ applause ] >> and at the end of the game,
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says, "that's the hell of a move anybody ever put on me." [ laughter ] >> he says, "i never touched ya all day." >> yeah. were you ever hurt bad when you were playing pro ball? what's the worst-- what's the worst thing that-- >> well, i got kicked to the face. i got about 58 stitches. >> yeah. >> of course, that doesn't bother my face. [ laughter ] >> just give me another wrinkle. i'll look like a prussian general, you know. >> well-well, nowadays, as you've said, there's so many things outside of the pay. we'll get to that in a moment. but now they've got the special teams that receive the kickoff. they've got the special teams that cover it. they've got the offense, the defense. they've got a guy from estonia who comes on-- you know, who-who kicks it and says, "hey, me kick make touchdown." right? kick just made a touchdown. uh, what do you think of all this? i mean, the specialization. >> well, first of all, you mean they gotta go to estonia-- [ laughter ] >> or they gotta go and get all these sidewinders to kick a ball. there isn't a kid in college that can kick the ball? >> yeah. i don't know. >> and it seems like they have to go all over the world to get, uh-- they got [deleted] japanese and-- [ laughter ] >> i don't know. they got all kinds of things-- they'll get on somebody about saying [deleted].
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now when you played-- you played in the days when-- nowadays, athletes-- i think the myth is gone that athletes are all-all heroes and all nicey-nicey. because it's come out in recent years that athletes are human beings, and they have their-- they like to go out. in your days, a lot of the guys went out drinking, right? after the game. or before the game. or bobby lane-- >> uh-huh, we played bobby lane-- the quarterback for the lions-- and man, you know, he-he partied. he really partied. and we're playing him in baltimore, and we're putting a hell of a rush on him. and he's screaming at his offensive line that they're not blocking, so in the third quarter, we're laying on top of him and he's hollering at him and his breath-- jeez. [ laughter ] >> it reeked of whiskey, you know. i said, "[deleted], bobby, we're gonna get drunk smelling your breath." i said, "you must have had a hell of a night last night." he said, "i had a few at half time." [ laughter ] >> never mind last night, huh? >> [ laughs ] i don't know. i wouldn't doubt it. >> i remember-- not tellin' tales out of school. but i remember when
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the baltimore colts game. when joe namath predicted the night before-- he said they were gonna beat, you know, baltimore. >> yeah. right. >> which they proceeded to do the next day. that team was out the night before partying like crazy. and namath went out there the next day and played beautifully. >> yeah. it doesn't bother ya. well, ya know. what is-- [ laughter ] >> like, uh, i was drinking like a case of beer a night. [ laughter ] >> and the doctor says, "you gotta cut it down to a six pack." so i did. six 32 ounce cans. [ laughter ] >> and, johnny, looking at that animal-- i don't know what it was eatin' that cockroach. but it looked like me going after about 15 hot dogs. voom! you know? >> yeah. now tell me, i-- was bobby lang. was he the one that drilled ya? that you kept-- >> no, no, no, no. >> who-who was that? what was that story? >> norman van brocklin. >> tell 'em that story about the guy that was really putting him down. >> he was a tough guy. he was-- you know, and we were-- >> the dutchman, right? >> yeah. the dutchman. >> right. >> we were putting a lot of pressure on him, and, uh, i hit him one time and he says
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i'll get you, you hit me again like that." so i said, "look, i'm gettin' paid to hit ya. that's part of the game, right?" the next time i got near him, he hit me right in the face with the ball. [ laughter ] >> boom! down i go, and the rest of the game, i rushed the passer like this. [ laughter ] >> he drilled ya, right? >> he hit me. boy, he hit me. of course, you can't do too much to my face, but-- >> who are-- who was the toughest player you ever-- was in the game? >> oh, i don't know. there were a lot of tough guys. you know, i would let my peers down if i said there was one tough guy. i think the dirtiest guy i ever saw was a guy that played on my team. [ laughter ] >> and he played right behind me. his name was bill pellington. >> what do you mean dirty? now what-what would he do? >> he was dirty. i mean, he'd do anything. eh, he was indecent, really. [ laughter ] >> and we were-- he's rushing the passer one time and he tried to clothesline the guy. means hit him in the throat. >> right. >> well, he missed his throat and he hit him in the helmet. and this guy's out on the field. this guy's not even moving. he looked like he was shocked to death. and pellington goes back to
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"damn it. i hurt my arm on that guy." [ laughter ] >> only he missed his throat and he hit him in the helmet. and he broke his arm. broke it right straight through and played five plays with a broken arm. >> that's tough. >> i'm tellin' ya. the next year they outfitted him with a steel brace. [ laughter ] >> and we'll watch him in the movies goin' around hitting people like it's a sledgehammer. boom! [ laughter ] >> the defense-- the offensive lineman for the packers named billy houten came in the defensive huddle and said to the official, "why don't you give the son of a bitch a gun and let him do a clean job of it?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yes, sir. it's that good old american pastime, folks. we can-- what do you think now of college football? they say "student-athletes." and it seems that colleges nowadays do nothing but, uh-- the guys go there. a lot of them never graduate from college.
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>> well, i don't know, but they keep saying "student-athletes." what do you think of that? >> well, i don't know. you know, we played-- >> do you think they should pay college players to play for college-- >> they can do anything they want. i don't care. i'm out of it now. [ laughter ] >> but, umm, myself and another guy, we flunked spanish at boston college. so they send us down a tutor and he tutored us for six weeks and he gave us an exam. and he flunked us. [ laughter ] >> i said, "what the hell you doing? you just tutored us." he said, "don't say anything. i need the money. i'm gonna tutor you again." [ laughter ] >> so the second time, he passed us. >> we'll take a break.
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[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> okay. my next guest-- my next guest is starring in a motion picture called "enemies- a love story." it's earned him, uh, much deserved praise from the critics. this is his first appearance with us tonight. would you welcome, please, ron silver. ron?
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[ applause ] >> good to see-- good to see ya. >> it was very funny, because the first picture i ever did, i played a placekicker in semi-tough. and i was-- >> that's right. that was the burt reynolds-- >> the guy from-- burt reynolds-- the guy from bulgaria who cannot sp-- >> you're right! >> i know i'm right. i did it. [ laughter ] >> the guy from bulgaria who cannot speak in-- and he goes in and says, "me. i kick. i kick. i kick." i did that. >> i'd forgotten. is that a wild thing? >> funny, huh? >> you were from bulgaria. >> yeah, i was. >> yeah. you know, you work with some people now-- i realize, when you-- we mention-- but you work with meryl streep, bill hurt, anne bancroft, and then burt and some-- >> yeah, yeah. a lot of good people. >> some powerhouse people. >> yeah, yeah. >> now in the movie, you play a man who, as i understand-- it's a love triangle. >> yeah. >> you have three different wives? >> it's a quadrangle. i have three wives. >> aah. a menage a quatre, i guess. >> yeah. menage a quatre. yeah. [ laughter ] >> uh, three wives who each, apparently, bring to the marriage different-different attributes or different things, right? >> absolutely. i did-- you know, it's possible. >> yeah.
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to love three comp--" look who i'm talking to. is it possible to love-- [ laughter ] >> it's-it's- >> of course it is. sure it is. i agree. >> you know, i meant-- >> it absolutely is possible to fall in love more than one time. >> i meant at the same time. absolutely. one of the women is-is-- uh, he's domestically in love with her. >> oh, i see. >> she's like a slave. she takes care of the house. makes his meals. uh, cares for him. >> all-all the domestic things. >> does all the domestic things. one is just lust and passion and, you know, the eyes start going around-- >> nice. >> and he forgets about the past and the future. >> right. >> and really doesn't care if she can cook or the clothes are on the floor. >> right. >> it doesn't matter with that one. >> yeah, of course. >> and the third one. they're intellectually compatible. have a sense of humor. they have a history together. they know each other very, very well. so, you know, it's-- it's a-- >> now if he could get all of those elements in one-one woman. >> well, i have, johnny. >> do ya? >> yes, i do. >> you've been married to the same woman for what? fourteen-- >> fourteen years. >> fourteen years. >> yes. >> that's good. [ applause ] >> fourteen years now gets applause. >> now-now they know who i am. the guy-- the actor who's married to the woman for 14 years. >> yes. you stayed married to
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>> umm, it's a lustful scene-- i mean, some of the scenes in this picture are, uh-- >> very sexy. very steamy. >> now a lot of people, when they go to see a picture say, "boy, what a great way to make a living. you're with beautiful women. you get to do love scenes." and-- when you're doing it, though, you have how many people on the set? >> lots of people. lots of them. >> you know, the lighting people and them the-- >> first of all, it is a very good way to earn a living. [ laughter ] >> but they-- >> it's almost stealing, isn't it? >> kind of. not quite, but-- uh, but there's a lot of people around you. and people don't realize this because all they see is the-the two actors. and the two actors are-are kind of naked, or they have some-- you know, something very brief on. but there's people all around you. >> right. >> all the time. really don't care what-what you're doing or what-- they say, "ron, could you move your tush up a little bit? could we get the light on our tush? don't make so many smacking noises when you're-- sweetheart, move your breast out of the way? does it hurt if we put a mike in your crotch, because it's better--" [ laughter ] >> it's all technical. >> do you find that sexy? >> it's all technical. no. that would kind of turn me off a little. >> well, it's not all technical.
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>> when you're-- it's stealing. it's stealing is what it is. >> stealing it is. yeah. >> now when you and your wife go-- this may sound like a silly question. she knows you're an actor, of course. she knows this is all-- >> no, she doesn't. but i think tonight-- [ laughter ] >> when you go and see a scene like this, is there, uh, little pangs of, uh, "hey. come on." >> we have a routine. >> oh? what's that? >> well, we go out for a very good meal that afternoon when we're going to see the movie. >> good. >> then we, uh-- >> you're buying her off, aren't ya? by doing this? >> well, i don't like to think of it like that. no. and then i hold her very tightly and we watch the scene. and i-- i try to distract her by saying, "gee, the lighting in this scene is quite extraordinary." [ laughter ] >> meanwhile,you know-- and we're talking. and she knows kind of what's going on. >> right. >> then she-- at that point, she usually tells me that she went shopping that afternoon. >> uh-huh. >> tells me what she-- so we kind of go through this, uh-- >> so you're buying it. right. >> kind of. >> well, we've got a little film clip we're gonna show here. is this, uh-- this can't be one of the lustful scenes, obviously. can't show that, can we? >> i guess not. >> what do we got? do we know? >> a conversation. >> a conversation? well, that's good. >> it's a conversational scene. >> a conversational scene. well, watch the monitor. >> filled with talking.
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and getting paid for it. >> you might as well tell me everything. it's pointless to hide now. >> yeah, yeah. i have a mistress. yeah. >> i thought so. >> what can you talk about with yadwiga? who is she? >> she's from over there. from the camps. >> twenty cents grapes, please. well, i see nothing has changed with you. >> yeah, yeah. >> this sweetheart of yours. does she accept this arrangement? >> she has no choice. her husband won't divorce her. she's in love with me. >> are you in love with her? >> i can't live without her. >> well, well, wel to hear such words from you. is she beautiful? intelligent? charming? >> all three. >> how do you manage it? do you rush from one to the other? >> i do the best i can. it's not so easy.
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>> yeah. good movie. >> the first scene-- that lady was anjelica huston, who's a fine actress too. nice accent. did you try these out before you take 'em in the picture? >> yeah, i always do. i embarrass my kids, actually. because, when you're doing an accent, you want it to be second nature to you. >> right. >> so you have to try it out in real circumstances. you can't wait for the day of shooting to do it. >> right. >> so, uh, i-i'd talk to people on the street in the accent. but i was with my kids one morning, and we went out for pancakes, and i said to the woman-- i haven't done the accent now in a while. but i said something like, "well, if you can, give us the pancakes, because it's a very special thing that we are doing here." and my son is embarrassed. he's looking down at-- and my daughter is saying, "daddy!" and then you don't know what to do. >> yeah. >> because then-- >> you've already done that-- >> you've already done it, so then you say, "i'm sorry. can we just have some pancakes?" and the waitress is looking at you like, "what are you doing?" >> we'll take a break. we're coming back. [ applause ] [ music ]
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[ applause ] >> okay. well, it is that time to thank everybody. it's really, uh-- it's great to have you here. >> it was a pleasure. thank you. >> you're a marvelous actor. >> thank you. >> the picture is "enemies- a love story". i hopeou come back with us. >> i'd like to. >> we'll talk about some other things and steal some more money. [ laughter ] >> and, art, nice to have you here. who's gonna win the super bowl? who ya for? >> who's playing? [ laughter ] >> well, you know, the 49ers and-- >> i was-- i was rootin' for the rams. >> okay. [ music ] [ applause ] >> i'm humbled by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you
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are you girls lucky you've got a man around this house. hammer, please. huh. tacks. okay. not just one. give me a whole handful. but wouldn't it be easier if i held them? haven't you ever seen the way a real upholsterer works? one at a time is a waste of time. careful! mm-mm-mm-mm. mm-hmm-hmm.
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there. see how easy that is? how can you talk so clearly with all those tacks in your mouth? i don't have... jack. oh, jack, i'll get you some water. no water. the tacks'll get rusty. what? oh! why, you devil. oh, my tooth. ( thumping ) what's all that thumping going on up there? they're redecorating, stanley. what for? i already redecorated. you did a very nice job, too but i think the styles have changed since 1947. it was two years ago. i remember because your mother was visiting. well, i don't see how anything could get that grubby in two years. don't look at me. it's your mother. oh, there! there it is, stanley. look. look. how would you like to see me coming to bed in that?
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the other page, stupid. the red see-through nightie. you look better in a golf cart that's the trouble with you, stanley. you wouldn't even notice if i came to bed wearing nothing. oh, you're wrong there. i'd be the first to complain. ow! ow! oh, why don't you go see your dentist? what for? because your toothache is giving me a pain. then you go see the dentist. the place i got a pain you don't see a dentist. all right, i'll go. i'll go tomorrow. you wait much longer and you'll be able to mail your teeth in. that's cute, helen, the way you step on a guy when he's down. look, stanley, do me a favor and take a couple of aspirin. a couple of aspirin won't stop this pain. then take the whole bottle. that could kill me. you'd like that, wouldn't you, miss merry widow?
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but as long as you're looking through that catalogue would you see if that nightie comes in black. ah! put it down. let it down. let it down. how's that? pick it up. pick it up. it's on my foot! god! oh, jack. oh, jack, we're sorry. are you all right? oh, fine. nine toes are more than enough for anybody. oh, are you okay? mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. well, all right, then, let's try it out. oh, hey, this is really firm now. and comfortable. what do you expect when you got a man...? ( laughing ): okay. get up. come on, let's get it right. up, up, up. relax, will you, coach?
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i bet you've got all the daisies standing at attention. he's right, janet. it's saturday. i'd really like to get out. janet, it's our one day off. come on, we agreed we were going to work on the apartment this weekend. all right, well, i've had it with this couch. okay. then we'll do the wallpaper. show it to him, chrissy. this should be a thrill. what do you think of this? it's kind of plain, isn't it? that's the back. i knew that. i like the back better. now let's get to work. i will even give you a choice-- fixing the couch or putting up the wallpaper. or going to the pub. i pick that one. let's go. moving out. oh, hey, wait for me.
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i said to her, i said, "what do you say you and me go below and mess around?" hey, that smooth talk gets them every time. she also knew it was a long swim back to shore. what happened to her boyfriend? he's probably still swimming. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. let's get one thing straight. this is just a little work break. relax, will you? we'll just have a couple of beers and then we'll go back. you can work on the walls and chrissy and i'll get on the sofa. what?! to work. let's grab this table. you know what jack's trouble is? he's just plain lazy. all men are like that. it's in their genes. thanks, jim. oh, yeah. they'd like two egg salads on white and i'll have a chicken sandwich on wheat toast. ain't that a shame? that poor guy got stuck with two broads.
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you got a good heart. yeah. just watch the old pro in action. janet, look, fixing the couch is a man's job. what? sure. men are just naturally stronger than women. oh, here we go. all through the ages men have been the builders, the protectors while women have sat at home learning how to put on eye shadow. oh, come on. hi, honey. buy you a drink? uh, no, thanks. go ahead, jack. we're really interested. excuse me. uh, well, what i meant was you just can't ignore the physical differences... you know, i've always been partial to blondes. that's nice. have you thought about getting yourself a cocker spaniel? hey, you don't know what you're missing. why don't you take a walk? i've got a 35-foot cabin cruiser. all right, take a cruise. go ahead, jack. ahead? well... what i meant was
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hey, listen, are you with anybody? i am with him. him? huh? oh, well, uh, yes, in a sense. i mean, we're all together. hey, sonny, do me a favor-- butt out. uh, listen, i think i should warn you... and i think i should warn you the last guy who warned me about something got all his teeth knocked out. oh. well, i-i... wouldn't want that to happen. my father paid a fortune for my braces. come on, jeff. you haven't finished your drink. right, right. i'll be back here tomorrow, babe but don't bring him along. he frightens me. ( chuckles ) ( clears throat ) well, i didn't want to cause a scene. no. no sense in that. no. you were perfectly right, jack.
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he just... hey, you did the right thing. you stood up to him. yes, and then you sat down again. well... i mean 'cause you didn't want to cause a scene. oh, hi, kids. hi. hi there. i'm in agony, helen. this tooth is killing me but does anybody feel sorry for me? yes, stanley, you do. hey, jim, give him a brandy, will you? i don't know if i can open my lips wide enough to drink it. could you put it in a baby bottle? your mouth giving you trouble? not as much as hers. oh! you clumsy idiot! why don't you watch where you put your elbows? stupid. where do all these stupid people come from anyway? "stupid"? yeah. you're absolutely right, pop.
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we just made an important discovery. we just found a man in this joint. makes me feel real good to see a little runt like you stick up for his rights. thank you. let's see, you two are the egg salad. thank you.
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[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us
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[daughter] then my parents got me treatment. that's when the bad feelings started to go away. ( humming ) morning. i am all ready, and waiting for my cooking lesson. your what? you're going to show me how to make a cheese omelet... remember?
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oh, come on, jack... please? come on. the cheese is ripe. you'll love it. what kind of a crack is that? what? "cheese." you mean i'm a mouse, not a man. well, i don't blame you. janet... janet... you've got to take the plastic wrap off before you slice it. don't you know anything? gee whiz! what's bugging you? i was just thinking of what a coward i was last night. you were not a coward. i was yellow, let's face it. i've got chicken in my blood. aw, come on, jack. cut it out. even the kids at school could spot it. fat kenny jensen would threaten to beat me up every morning unless i gave him a nickel. what did you do? i put him through college. aw, come on, jack.
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remember, he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. will you can it with the proverbs? besides, i didn't fight and run away. that's the whole point. well, he who doesn't fight and runs away lives to run another day. i'm going to shave. wait. wait. aren't you going to show me how to make my omelet? me, i couldn't even beat up an egg. ( shower water running ) who's there? oh, i'm sorry, chrissy. i didn't know you were in here. i am taking a shower. do you mind? i'll just get my shaving stuff and split. when are you going to fix the lock on that door? why don't you call a man to do it? we've got a man... you. thanks for the vote of confidence. hey, you can't see through this curtain, can you? no. that's why i bought this can.
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you rat! i am warning you... chrissy, chrissy... i am so down this morning i couldn't even raise a smile. why? do you think i'm a coward? aw, come on. don't take it so seriously. i mean, you did the right thing, not doing anything. i mean, if you had done something he would have done something then you wouldn't have been able to do anything, would you? what? would you forget about last night? we don't think badly of you. we like you just the way you are-- with a face and everything. pow! pow! pow! pow! pow! pow! pow! oh, here's your sunday breakfast, stanley. helen, i still got it.
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you saw how i stood up to him, eyeball to eyeball. eyeball to navel, you mean. he was shaking, helen. he was trying to control his laughter, stanley. he apologized. he was afraid of what might happen if he hit you. i know what would have happened. yeah, i know what would have happened, too. i'd have been able to buy that black nightgown, after all. ow! see what you did? you brought the pain back. oh, i'm sorry, stanley. i thought you were very brave last night. thank you. where's the sunday paper? oh, it hasn't come yet. maybe i made the sports page. or the funnies. ( chuckling ) that's funny. really funny. ( chuckling ) any coffee left? yeah. hey, how come we got the sunday paper delivered?
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well, i don't know. i heard it land on the front balcony this morning so i went out and got it. you know, that paper boy was so thoughtful. he waited for me to bend over and pick it up before he rode away. ( chuckling ) you enjoying the funnies, jack? yeah. aw... that's good. i'm glad you found something to take your mind off last night. there's this little guy, see and he's being tormented by his foreman who's this big bully. and then, over here the little guy drops a can of paint on the bully's head. why couldn't i have done that? because you can't draw. besides, it's pretty hard to find a can of paint in a pub. all over the world little guys are standing up to tyrants. but not me. well, i hate violence.
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"he who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword." you can tell your father that if i had been david goliath would still be alive today. ( doorbell rings ) come on, jack. will you stop putting yourself down? if i had any guts, i would have wrung his neck! i would have stood up to him and torn him apart! good morning. i was wondering if my sunday paper was delivered here by mistake. sunday paper? yeah. i love to look at the funnies over breakfast. especially andy capp. now, there's a guy that knows how to treat the women. he cracks me up. uh... well, here's most of him. why would anybody do this to andy capp? mr. roper, it was an accident. where's the rest of the paper? hmm? well, i think it's in the... excuse me. i think it's right in here. roper's paper... oh, my lord, what happened? i knocked the coffee pot over. well, he's right out there. will you hurry? i got...
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what am i supposed to do with this? well, uh... maybe if mrs. roper put it in the dryer? you ruined my sunday. i hope you realize that. mr. roper, we're really sorry. to make up for it why don't i buy you a beer down at the pub tonight? you're not going to the pub again tonight, are you? what? uh... i was thinking it would be so great to stay home tonight and relax. oh, i heard about you and that fella. he never should have picked on somebody like you. what's that supposed to mean? well, you could never get into a fight. you would ruin your nails. jack did the right thing. fighting is uncivilized. yeah. if women ran the world there would be none of these stupid wars. yeah. all the countries
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say, uh... mr. roper... yeah... tinker bell? no, i'm jack. my name is jack. jack. i'm sorry... jack. oh, stanley, listen... i was just telling all the girls here that if they need protection they know where to come. oh, yeah. look, stanley i finally got your dentist on the phone and he says he can take you right now. no, he says it's very simple. one quick yank...! ( screaming ) oh, now don't you... if you're good he'll probably give you a lollipop. three beers, jim. no, wait. make mine a whisky. he is so crazy coming here. what's he trying to prove? i know what he's up to. if that big creep hits him and puts him in the hospital he won't be around to help us redecorate.
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has, uh... kong been in here tonight? no. i don't think he'll be around tonight. oh, good. i mean, good for him, i mean. let's just drink up and get out of here really quick just in case, okay? chrissy, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. john wayne rides again. ( gasping ) you know, janet and i will respect you a lot more if you don't fight him. it will show you're more a man than he is. more a man? really? yes. well, if he comes up and apologizes i might let him off the hook. after all, i am a civilized kind of... there he is. two beers. wha...? hello, sweetie. that does it. he's asking for it. and you're going to get it. he only said hello.
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don't go up there. i'm going to order some sandwiches. no. i will go. you stay here. if he starts anything there's going to be serious trouble. hi. i wanted to talk to you about my friend. yeah, she's neat. the four of us could have a good time. want me to get rid of that jerk for you? the jerk is the friend i was talking about. he's going to knock your block off. ( laughing ) oh, that does it. he's only laughing. i mean, janet is funny sometimes. well, why isn't he laughing now? is he insulting you? no. well, he insulted you and chrissy last night and, well... well, what? i think you owe someone an apology. man, you behaved like a creep in here last night-- insulting women, spoiling people's evenings out knocking drinks over-- oh, i'm really sorry. listen... no, i'm not sorry! i'm glad i did that. i got a suggestion for you, big man--
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( kiaiing ) okay, okay. i'm sorry. just don't get mad. is he gone? he sure is. you were fantastic. jack, you were terrific. come on, let's go back to the table and finish our drinks.
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here you go, jack. on the house. i didn't know about that steel plate in your head. what plate? the one you got saving your platoon in vietnam. viet...? janet? huh? oh... well... i kind of told that to the creep so he'd think twice before killing you. thanks a lot.
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oh, well, you shouldn't. you were very brave. brave? yes. i mean, you stood up to that guy even though you thought he might murder you. that's true. i did, didn't i? oh, you sure did. i guess i was a hero even if i didn't go to vietnam. what's that? cambodia. it was cambodia. i had this grenade in my hand and... come and knock on our door come and knock on our door
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we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
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hi! ( gasps ) anything for me? oh, it's you. ( chuckles ): where'd you spring from? i've been walking behind you since you got off the bus. why didn't you say something? i was enjoying the view from the rear. ( laughs ): that's not my best feature. you've never seen it walking up the stairs. i know there's not a lot of you but you move it around nicely.
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some kind of sex maniac? well, if you're going to be any kind of a maniac that's the kind to be. don't you ever think of anything else? yeah. like right now, i'm thinking how come i opened the front door without a key? maybe chrissy's home. chrissy! chrissy? maybe she's taking a shower. you're right. i'll go look. hold it! i don't hear any water running. i'll go look anyway. maybe she's taking a bath. will you stop kidding around? which one of us was the last to the leave the house this morning? that's hard to say. you and chrissy left before i did. did you forget to lock the door? uh-uh. burglars? jack! there've been a lot of break-ins
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you're right! the couple next door were ripped off. you mean horace and mike? burglars don't care about your sex life. pictures, plants, lamp... well, nothing seems to be missing. jack! nothing seems to be missing, janet so you have nothing to worry about. unless the burglars are still here. you had to find something to worry about. maybe they're hiding. you want to look in the bedroom? why disturb them? if you're chicken, i'll go. no, stay where you are. after all, who's the man around here? my luck. right! ( gasps ) charlie, bill, you stay outside. careful with those shotguns.
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yes, sir! fred, listen carefully. take the muzzle off of the doberman. that's it. ( growling ) i'll go in first. if they have any sense, they'll run for it. ( barking ) there's nobody in there. oh! what about your room? hmm? your room? oh, my god. what a mess. oh, somebody broke in! no, that's just the way i left it. there's just one more place. the bathroom. bathroom? yeah. no, that's clean. oh! wait a minute. where's the radio? it's right over here on this empty shelf. oh, no! oh, no, no, no!
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oh, janet, that's ridiculous.
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