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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  February 9, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST

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that's a good idea. there's one playing right down the street-- lust in the dust. isn't that a dirty picture? dirty? dirty is in the eye of the beholder. it's all in the way you look at it. oh, really? then how do you look at it? like this. it's a dictatorship, helen. i'll tell you we're living in a police state. well, all they're doing is putting a parking meter in front of our house. it's going to cost me a fortune to park outside my own front door. two beers, joe. and i'll have a gin on the rocks. you know, i got to run outside and put a quarter in that meter every two hours. so, why don't you give the car away? give it away? are you kidding? that car's practically brand-new. it's an old lemon. don't knock it, helen. i don't have to.
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that car is a good buy for somebody. who'd be dumb enough to want to buy..? jack. look who's here, helen. it's jack. hi, kids. oh, hi, mr. roper. well, gee, how nice. oh, that's nice. want to buy a car? your car? you mean that white and red chevy? it's a white chevy. the red is rust. that car runs along very quietly. yes, i've seen mrs. roper pushing it. it hardly uses any gas. that's 'cause i'm always pushing it. you didn't pay for the drinks, stanley. yeah. okay. listen, think it over. if you want to look at it, it's parked right outside. don't buy it. if it runs over a cigarettbutt the hubcaps fall off. gee, speaking of cars i sure liked that maserati lloyd drove up in. oh, lloyd cross? oh, yeah.
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a little while ago. oh, do you know him? well, i've met him once or twice but i know his wife. his wife? my, these ice cubes seem to have soaked up all my gin. i'm going to get a refill. does chrissy know he's married? of course not. i got him sold, helen. tell me about yourself. why? well, i just think that we ought to get to know each other better. well, i know an incredibly quick way to do that. uh, what are your hopes, your ambitions? well... i mean your other hopes and your other ambitions. well, if i'm going to do all that talking
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it's all right. don't stop what you're doing on our account. just pretend we're not here. what are you doing here? it is only 9:30. yeah, but janet thought of a great word she can use. i can think of a few myself. what are you guys trying to do? play scrabble. you make words out of these little, tiny... of all of the rotten... it's okay, chrissy. i've got to get going anyway. well, it's been half of a lovely evening. oh, my, are you leaving so soon? aw! aw! i am sorry. that's okay. i was hoping to get to bed early anyway. we know. how about having dinner with me tomorrow night? i'd love to. i'll pick you up at 7:00. no. let's meet at the regal beagle. i don't like the element that's been hanging around here. okay. i'll see you then. good night.
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i don't want to hear your explanations but it better be good because i won't believe a word of it. he's married, chrissy. i thought you were my friends, but... he's married?
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oh, hi. hello, lloyd. sorry i'm late. aah! aah! oh! oh, that's okay. these... these things happen. ( chuckles ) well, how are you? fine. uh, look, chrissy i'm, uh, i'm sorry about last night
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that's a shame. you know, jack came up with a very interesting word just after you left. really? mm-hmm. oh, two glasses of the burgundy and a large napkin. well, tonight is going to be different. yes. you know, maybe after dinner we could go back to your place? of course we could. we could? except that it's being redecorated. oh, i thought it might be. aah! oh, my. oh, i'm so sorry. oh, oh, that's okay. i-i was wet already. well, uh... ( sighs ) try not to, uh, spill this one on me, huh? ( chuckles ) what time is it? it's a half... aah!
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...time for another drink. uh... uh, chrissy, i... i don't think i, uh, i mentioned it last night but, uh, i have to go to san francisco this weekend on a business conference. but my secretary got the flu, see and, uh, well, i really need somebody there with me to, uh... take notes and... purely business, of course. oh, that's a shame. separate rooms, of course. i'd be frightened to sleep all by myself. i wouldn't think of... i beg your pardon? well, couldn't we have rooms next to each other with a connecting door? well, just by coincidence our rooms are right there together. marvelous. yeah. well, here's to our wonderful weekend together. oh, there's one little thing that might spoil it for us. wh-what's that, darling?
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here you go. are you all right? no. i was just thinking about poor chrissy. you know, married men should be forced to wear a ring. that wouldn't help. they could always take it off. not if it's through their nose. sink your teeth into that. it'll make you feel better. mmm... delicious. mm, what is this? fattening. hi. you're back early. what did lloyd do when you told him you knew he was married? he went home to change his pants. now, that's class. but first he told me something that i didn't know. what was that?
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divorced? yes, for over a year. uh-huh. excuse me while i go change into a clean face. oh, gee, chrissy, i'm sorry. we didn't know. oh, that's all right as long as everything turned out okay. you don't mind he was married before? why should i? we've got a secondhand radio but it still makes beautiful music. yeah, but it takes a long time to warm up. well, he doesn't. okay. good. chrissy, i'm sorry. i promise i won't knock lloyd anymore. good, because i'm going away with him for the weekend. i'm going to knock him flat on his face. it's only for a business conference. you believe that? yes. he needs a secretary. and i need some fresh air. look, chrissy, you know that i don't like to interfere... then don't.
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you are too trusting, you know. what is all this business nonsense he's giving you? you can't believe that. it is going to be nothing but work. besides, even if it isn't, that's my affair. i mean, i don't mean "affair." i mean that it's my problem. i don't mean "problem" either. i meant that it's just... i mean... uh... oh! yum, bum-bum-bum-bum- bum-bum-bum-bum yum, bum-bum-bum-bum- bum-bum-bum-bum yum, bum-bum yum, bum-bum... helen? helen! will you finish your drink and let's go home. what's your rush? what can we do at home we can't do here? we could play monopoly. oh... i consider monopoly a very interesting game. yeah, i know.
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i thought it would help kill time. we were on our honeymoon for two weeks and you didn't pass "go" once. you want to fight, helen, we could fight louder at home. oh, i'm sorry, stanley. hey, stanley, you notice anything different about me tonight? not around the mouth. oh, come on, stanley. hey, come on, look at me. look, i'm wearing a new dress. yeah, it's perfect on you. oh, you really think so? yeah. it hides your knees. i'll have a beer, please. i don't want to push you or anything but a lot of people are considering my car. including a couple of junk dealers. will you stop it, helen?!
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it's a cat's watering hole. don't pay any attention to her. listen, ride the car around the block a couple of times. i want you to see how smooth it runs. of course you might have a little trouble finding the handbrake. why? it's in the glove compartment. that's only to prevent it from being stolen. hey, why didn't you bring the girls with you? well, chrissy's upset with me right now. oh? actually, mrs. roper, it's kind of your fault. my fault? yeah. you told me lloyd cross was married but you didn't tell me he got divorced. divorced? all right... all right, chrissy, but suppose-- now, just suppose that it's not all work. i mean, what if he expects a little overtime? what will you do then? janet, i will burn that bridge when i come to it.
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because it's more fun that way. all the time that we've been going together lloyd has never even laid a finger on me. oh, chrissy, that doesn't mean anything. you remember jerry devucci. the first time that i went out with him all he did was shake my hand. the second time, a little peck on the cheek. third time, he said he wanted to get to know the real me. i said fine so he started to rip off my clothes. chrissy, about lloyd... one more word and i will stick this umbrella up your pants and open it. i was just wondering when you were leaving for the weekend. tomorrow morning. good. then you can take a ride with me in roper's car. i want you to tell me what you think of it. i don't know anything about cars. that's what i need-- an uninformed opinion. besides, if there's nobody next to me the car tilts sideways.
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m me here? i heard this house was for sale. we ought to take a look. are you crazy? where will we get money to buy a house? mrs. cross? yes. we heard about the house. i know it's late, but, uh... that's all right. come on in. "mrs. cross"? mrs. lloyd cross. that's his wife. did the real estate agent send you? no, but i heard about it from mrs. roper. oh, helen. that's nice. oh, please excuse the mess. i'm packing for my husband. he's going to san francisco on a business trip. ah, san francisco. uh, it's, uh, quite a large place.
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san francisco, huh? no. the house. well, i-i think we've seen all we have to. but you haven't seen the rest of the place. there's the master bedroom, children's bedroom... you've children? just two. oh, don't worry. we're taking them with us. two children? well, two and a quarter really. that's why we need a bigger place. do you feel all right? i'm fine. you want some coffee? i just made a pot. i'm sorry i had to do it this way, chrissy but if i hadn't brought you here would you have believed me? i was nearly the other woman! lloyd: darling, how are you coming with the packing? almost finished. honey, there's a young couple here to see the house. how wonderful. i want to see who...
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and this is, um... jack. oh, jack. and, uh... chrissy. chrissy. uh... jack and... chrissy. well, uh... uh... hello there. your wife tells us you're going to san francisco. i usually go along to take notes but this time he's got a temporary. a temporary what? well, uh... uh... you know, you look very familiar. oh, you know, i have that kind of a face. you know, it's a very, uh... ordinary face. you've probably seen hundreds like them. yes, it's very common. now, about the house, um... do you two know each other?
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no, no, no, no, no. you see, i thought we did, uh... but we don't. we'd better get going. i'm sorry. oh, well, that's all right. i'm sure that there'll be somebody else along soon. so am i. that's why i'm sorry. ( phone ringing ) i'll get it, dear. uh, look, uh, chrissy-- um, thanks a lot for not saying anything to my wife about us. don't mention it. it's not her fault she's married to a rat. uh, one more thing:
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[captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation] three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience. umm... a little bit higher. louise, this is the 40th poster i've put up in the center. i hope it's the last. hey, john. ow! damn! damn. what did you want, ralph? i wanted to tell you to be careful with that hammer. oh. damn. louise, why do we have to have a swap meet, anyway?
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then we won't waste an entire saturday. oh, put a crumpet in it, john. it's for a very worthy cause. besides, what else would you be doing tomorrow? i could be home, sucking my thumb. personally, i'm kind of looking forward to this swap meet. i'm wondering how much i could get for my welterweight championship belt. huh. obviously, you're not a sports fan. i love that in a woman! dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong
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dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song dear john
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[telephone rings]
quote
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mary beth, are you coming to the swap meet? i wouldn't miss it. we had them in burtonsville, and i sold kisses. mary beth, you don't sell kisses at a swap meet. yeah, right. like i'm going to give them away. hey, everybody. i just took a phone message for kate. remember that aunt she was always talking about? aunt phoebe? that kooky old broad that owns a fish joint? oh, yes. the one who walked around in whaling boots with a parrot on her shoulder. she is sort of a nut case. what did madam loony tunes do? she died. oh, that's too bad. the woman was a saint. 93 years old. what a shame. what did she die of? the woman was 93 years old. what did she die of?
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hey, i wonder... how will we break this to kate? well, these things are never easy. it's always so difficult to find the right words. hey, everybody. guess who i just ran into. not your aunt phoebe. she's dead. what? john just took the call, kate. we're all so very sorry. come and sit down. oh, no. poor aunt phoebe. kate, she passed away in her sleep. the funeral's tomorrow. afterwards, there's a memorial dinner at her restaurant. i'd better see if there's anything i can do. i don't think there's anything, because your ex-husband called-- blake? yeah. he's taking care of everything
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upset? he said that? where does he get off, telling everyone that i'd be upset? that slime! he sounded nice enough. he's despicable. the connection wasn't very good. you know what he sent me for my birthday last year? a beautiful silver frame with a picture of him and his latest girlfriend... in the nude. well... it certainly isn't something you'd buy for yourself. maybe-- maybe he's changed. he's looking forward to seeing you. and i know why. we own a time share in the caribbean. this year i've got the condo for thanksgiving, and he wants it for another orgy. hmm. thanksgiving orgy, huh? red, mention to him that i make a very nice oyster stuffing.
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i chop the onions very fine... stuff it, kirk. kate, if you don't want blake at the funeral, why don't you just tell him to butt out? oh, yeah, sure. and have my whole family hate me. they love blake. the man's a real charmer. he even had me fooled for five years. the best i can do is not show up. no, you really should go to the funeral. after all, you only have one aunt phoebe. i mean, you did. yeah, thank you, ralph, but i'm not going. i know if i see blake, somehow he'll goad me into a screaming fight. i tell you what-- much as i hate to miss this swap meet, i'll go with you to the funeral. i'll be a calming influence. thanks, john, but no way can i be calm around him.
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no offense, kirk, but it's true. hey, i understand. kate, kate. it'll be all right. i promise. just keep an open mind, relax, and be flexible. i wish i had a nickel for every time a man asked me to do that. kate, you've got to stop thinking about blake and think about what your aunt phoebe would've wanted. yeah, you're right, louise. i really should go. and maybe with john there i'll be o.k. yeah, you will. oh, poor aunt phoebe. you know, the last time i was with her she was feeding her parrot, making jokes. she was so vibrant, so full of life. excuse me. kate, kate. come here.
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we're very sorry. hey, red... no matter what you think of me, i know how terrible losing a loved one can be. if there's anything i can do, anything at all just to make it easier, you let me know. kate, dear, we'll all chip in and send some nice flowers. who said anything about chipping in? there, there... aunt trudy, it's good to see you. i only wish it weren't under these circumstances. yes, it's such a sad day, sweetheart. i don't know what we would've done if blake hadn't handled everything. mm-mmm. he's such a dear man. you were so foolish to let him get away. oh, blake.
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you cannot hit a little old lady. i could if you'd let go. don't be ridiculous. all right. oh, will you look at him? get a load of that phony charm. and they're eating it up. he's probably telling them something awful about me. come on, kate. will you stop being so paranoid? tsk, tsk. tsk, tsk, tsk. tsk, tsk, tsk. oh, perfect. he's coming over. all right. remember, relax. be calm. hi, kate. it's good to see you. what's that supposed to mean? kate. hi. i'm john lacey. blake mccarron. please excuse kate. she's upset about the funeral. i understand. sometimes it helps to talk about other things, like that problem we're having with our condo? oh, there's no problem. you're not getting it. kate. i'm not giving up that condo
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see, john, she's still jealous. jealous? i'll show you jealous. no, no, kate! this isn't the time to discuss a time share. no, it certainly is not. if you'll excuse me, i think i'll go in and enjoy the funeral. look, i... i apologize. every time kate and i get together, sparks fly. yeah. i understand. you do? yeah. good. maybe you could help me with this time share thing. maybe a good word when you and kate are shaking the old headboard. let's get this straight. kate is not sleeping with me. oh. i know what you're going through. the woman is cold. afraid of a little frostbite? look, let's not talk about this anymore. i know. on our honeymoon,
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why do you think we didn't have kids? i was afraid she'd give birth to a penguin. goodbye, blake. wait a second, john. i'll make you a deal. get me that time share, and i'll set you up with a woman guaranteed to melt your belt buckle. listen, slick, get away from me. wait a minute, john. just think about it. i said get away from me. "and i'll be there in the ocean spray that kisses your cheek." [sobbing] those are the words that phoebe requested... [whispering] i've been telling you for the last half hour, would you get away from me? she was a good person. a kind person. phoebe will be missed by all. [sobbing] [whispering] would you get the hell away from me?
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[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us
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[daughter] then my parents got me treatment.
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thank you. would you put those over there, please? thank you. isn't it nice how everyone's contributing to the swap meet? john dropped this off on his way to the funeral. ohh, how thoughtful of john. it's a caring attitude like this that makes him a special member of our group. how much can we get for it? nothing. oh, mrs. philbert. oh, tom. good. would you be a dear and put those empty boxes in the storeroom?
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i cleaned out my guest closet. oh. men can be so forgetful. especially when they're in a hurry. ooh. ooh! whee! i popped out of a cake. mrs. philbert, i've never said this to anyone before-- you're my idol. all right! gangway! hello, kirk. now, don't thank me.
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but it's for the community center, and that's the kind of guy i am. what have you brought? oh, nothing special. just a portrait of yours truly, painted by none other than the father of cubism himself. that's right. seor pablo picasso! huh? i just hope pablo doesn't find out that i'm giving this up. oh. he painted it months ago when we were running with the bulls at pamplona. kirk, i believe your mouth is still running with the bulls. picasso died years ago. yeah, right. and so did elvis. hi, everybody. hello, john.
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how was the, uh, funeral? funeral? oh, it was great. it was a lovely affair. how's our swap meet? what about kate? was she able to contain herself? oh, yeah. a great container. a model mourner. what are you doing here? what about the memorial dinner? i couldn't bear the thought of missing this swap meet. grr! kate, dear, is something wrong? uhh, don't do anything rash. "let me go with you to the funeral, kate. "i'll be a calming influence. i'll make sure you don't cause a scene." why did i ever listen to this maniac? why? what did the maniac do? i'll tell you. at the cemetery... in front of all my relatives, he threw my ex-husband into the grave. what?
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it wasn't funny. i turn my back one second and blake is lying in a grave, and good old supportive john is running away, hurtling over tombstones. i only hurtled over two-- dimarco and lipschitz. now, listen. i did not throw him in the grave. he tripped and fell. after you pushed him. i was getting to that. what did blake do to make you so angry? well...uh, no. oh, come on, john. i really want to know. he, uh, said something i can't repeat. i'm too much of a gentleman. john, would you at least apologize to my family? and tell them i had nothing to do with this.
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god, what a mess. maybe you're right. i shouldn't have done it. maybe i do owe your family an apology. no way am i apologizing to that blake. [wheels creaking what the devil is that noise? [knock on door] [wheels creaking] [wheezing] ralph... you didn't push this halfway across town and up three flights of stairs just for the swap meet? [wheezing] oh, you poor dear. no one's going to buy this. you were supposed to bring small items.
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no-o-o... now, john. john, come on. i don't think this is a good idea, kate. i'll write a note of apology and let them pass it around. what are you afraid of? they all have knives and forks... and those things that crack things. oh, john, this is my family. i'd like to think that one day they'll speak to me again. now, come on. could we have everyone's attention? you get out of here,
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oh, no, aunt trudy. now, everyone, please just listen. john has something he'd like to say. ooh, kate... i, uh... john. yes, uh, i'm sorry that this thing had to happen today. i shouldn't have lost my temper. now, a lesser man would make up some excuse, but i'll be perfectly honest. i've been under some very heavy medication lately. my condition is aggravated when i'm around fresh soil. i was warned by my doctor-- john. i didn't mean to be disrespectful to the memory of dear old aunt phoebe. i just wanted to say that i'm sorry that this unfortunate accident had to happen. accident? you animal! we know why you attacked
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who we all adore. and we know who put you up to it. that woman who calls herself my niece. wait a minute. she's not the villain here. all right. i'll tell you why i pushed him. now, john, john. that won't be necessary. i think it took a lot of courage for this man to humble himself here. john, old pal. you've earned yourself a lobster. waiter, get john and kate a bib. let's all forgive kate and welcome her back into the family. i know i do. come on, everybody. let's put those hands together. hey, john, no hard feelings? get away from me. o.k. then i'm going to try
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oh, blake. blake, hold on a second. blake, look. i'm... i'm really sorry about what happened today. well, for whatever it's worth, if you still want to use the time share over thanksgiving, you're welcome to it. well, thanks, kate. yeah. forgiven? absolutely. it was all just a misunderstanding. i made a joke, and i guess john took it the wrong way. what did you say to john? just something about you being cold. your old "cold kate" routine. actually, i made a little riddle, and it was kind of clever. oh, yeah? what? o.k., get this. i asked john, what's the difference between aunt phoebe in the coffin and you in the bed? and what's the difference?
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and she only has her arms crossed. i'll take that one. captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. interesting interpretation. please continue, my dear. the quality of mercy is not strained. it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. excuse me. ralphy, please, come on. you have interrupted this fine actress at a very dramatic moment. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. the actresses are hounding me with questions like, "when do we start rehearsal?" just as soon as i am finished casting. yeah.
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because the group will be here soon. thank you, ralphy! now, stacy... so far, i am very impressed with your classical training, and if i may say, it would be a pleasure to...direct you. now, how do you feel about performing in the nude? for the shower scene. shower scene? i thought you were doing driving miss daisy. oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. we're doing drying miss daisy. it's a... dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone
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right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song dear john
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you simply cannot use our meeting room as a casting couch for your nonexistent play. nonexist-- if i catch you using this room again, i'll turn your face into christmas pudding! gaah! can we start the meeting? who'd like to begin? me. i've got a problem. you? you know that airline magazine i write for, above the clouds? our assistant editor just left, so the position's open. you don't think you'll get it? don't be silly. i know i'll get it. my boss likes my writing, and he's taking me to lunch on monday. you're afraid you can't handle it? oh, no. i'll do great.
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you know you'll get it, and you're sure you'll be a big success. boy, i don't see an easy way out. ma beth, are you absolutely sure you have a problem? yes. isn't it obvious? when my boss gives me the big news, how do i act surprised? oh. oh. oh. oh. what am i supposed to do? do i try this one? or this one? or this one? call me crazy, but i like the middle one. you don't have to put on some kind of act-- excuse me. hope i'm not interrupting anything. i'm from overeaters anonymous. i'm just unloading some doughnuts. well, thank you. that's very kind.
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9o pounds, to be exact. it took me six months to lose it, but here i am-- new slinky denise. that's good. congratulations. a lot of good it did. i kill myself, and my husband wants me heavy again. he bought the doughnuts. my husband's in the merchant marines. been away four months. i thought i'd surprise him. turns out orlando is a fat freak! he just married me for my tonnage! his sister's fat. her mother's fat. even the cat is fat. i've been fat my whole life, and for the first time, i feel good about myself. if orlando thinks i'm gaining back this weight, he's got another think coming! i'm going to lay down the law!
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