tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 10, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
that was very sweet of him to bring me that oregano plant. yeah, i guess so. chrissy, janet, let's get the troops out here! move it! gee whiz, where's the fire? where did he go? in here! what's the panic? what do you want? jack: $200. you bought coffee again. no, that's what roper's asking for his car. janet, would you put that bag over there? chrissy, would you put that bag over there? yeah, sure. ooh! ha-ha. nice try, jack. shucks. you want to buy roper's car? no, i want us to buy roper's car. it's a real steal. yeah, but where are we going to get $200? look, you don't have $200 and you don't have $200 and i don't have $200, but together we make a great act. understand?
chrissy, he means that he wants us to go in together to buy roper's car. we really need a car. it's murder living in this town without wheels. yeah, really. just to catch the bus around here we got to walk ten blocks. oh, that's right! if we had a car, we could drive to the bus stop. i could really use a car for shopping. you know, my arms have stretched six inches carrying those bags. ( imitating monkey chattering ) you know, if we had a car we could drive to that neat "body beautiful" class in sherman oaks. yeah, i'd like that. it's only for women. yeah, i know. that car could be the greatest thing that's ever happened to us-- a real miracle, a gift from heaven. oh, yeah, but is it a good car? well, i wouldn't go that far. when you borrowed the car that time you said it was a lousy car. well, for $750, it is a lousy car but for 200, it gets better. yeah, but what about all of those
hey, if we leave them alone they'll grow together and become all one color. oh, i never thought of that. okay, what about insurance? we have to think about that, too. i've got an idea. we could pay it off in easy monthly installments. we have trouble paying rent in easy monthly installments. oh, you want a good idea. jack: chrissy, janet, look i'm surprised at you. if people waited until they could afford things it would destroy the entire economy of this country. oh, he's right. oh, let's do it. ooh... okay. count me in. terrific! all for one and one for all! oh, jack, are you sure we can manage this? everything will work out fine, trust me. ah, nuts. i'm such an idiot. breakfast, anyone? what do you kids want with a 20-year-old clunker, anyway?
you'll be lucky if you can run it in the street. oh, it's okay, mrs. roper. we just need some wheels. so does the car. helen, i'm trying to type the bill of sale. what's happened to "u"? nothing happened to me. i don't mean "y-o-u" you. i mean "u" "u". you still want to buy a used car from this man? the "u" on the typewriter. somebody stole it. oh. well, no use crying about it. it's probably in mexico with a new paint job by now. ( laughing ) stanley: very funny, helen, very funny. how do i type "automobile" without a "u"? c-a-r. the missing "u" is an omen, stanley. you shouldn't have gone back on your word to mr. wagstaff. wagstaff the used car dealer? yeah. stanley promised him he could buy the car.
over the phone? stanley, you gave him your word. you accepted his offer of $200. she's right. i'm sorry, kids. i gave my word to wagstaff. oh. oh. quick, how much money do you have? once i give my word, that's it. roper's word is roper's bond. that's a rule i never break. we'll give you $212.60. except when it's $212.60. look at this. how about that? we got a car! ( imitating car revving ) ( imitating brakes screeching ) may i open the door for you, madam? oh, thank you. madam, may i open the door for you? we finally got a car. now, we get to go to all those places we've never been before-- the mountains, the mojave desert... the gas station. it just shows you what can happen
oh, with that car, you mean push together. just think-- no more buses. listen, the first thing i've got to do is take that car down for a lube job but right now, let's plan how we're going to use it. this is what's going to happen tomorrow morning. now, since my school is way downtown i will drive you, janet, to your flower shop and then drop you, chrissy, off in front of your office building in westwood. oh, that's terrific. then you, jack, can pick up me, chrissy, and her, janet after work. but i get out of school way before you quit work. you'll come home and then pick us up later. how do i know what i'll be doing later? i know. you'll be picking us up. i don't want to spend the rest of the day as a chauffeur. yeah, jack, but if you've got the car then we'll have to take the bus home. i've got a better idea. i'll take the car. i'll drop janet off then you can come with me to westwood and take the bus downtown. that way, janet and i will have a ride home. how do i get home?
oh, good. after you grab a bus to westwood. i'll be busing both ways while you two will be driving and i have to go the farthest. jack, we didn't pick your school. i got a better idea. chrissy can drive me downtown and take the bus to westwood. that way, i'll have the car. then you could bring the car back to westwood and leave it with chrissy to pick me up and take a bus home. that's a terrible idea. if i have to drive him downtown i have to get up a half hour earlier. oh, well, maybe i can drive jack downtown. and leave the car with me? then how do i get back to santa monica? jack can drive you back. no. because jack just ran out of gas. gee whiz, what happened to all that "pulling together"? yeah, you're right. we'll figure something out. i guess i was forgetting the principle of the thing. you know, it's not your car, and it's not your car-- it's our car. you're the wizard of wall street, stanley. yeah, it's too bad, mr. roper.
you didn't tell me on the phone that you'd go higher. i'm in the used car racket. i always leave a little room for haggling. you didn't tell me that i had to haggle. well, it seems a shame to let a gem like that go for a couple of hundred. a gem? he's trying to make us feel bad. the car's really an old wreck. maybe so, but didn't you say it was a '57 chevrolet? yeah, so? so, 1957 was a very special year. to car buffs, that particular model is a classic. a classic? yeah. you could have gotten $1,200 for it.
it's too late now. maybe it's not too late. but, stanley! the kids paid you the money. they own the car now. but i never signed over the registration. you gave them your word. i also gave my word to wagstaff here. so now you're going back on both words. wrong. i'm only going back on the second word, not the first. i should have stuck with the first word in the first place. and the second word-- it doesn't count because the first word came first and that's why i'm going with the first word. but you don't own the car anymore. but i can get it back in two shakes. yeah. two shakes of a rat's tail. helen, i'm doing this for you my darling sweetheart. did he say that, or are you a ventriloquist? helen, think of all the lovely things i could buy for you with $1,200. yeah... a new power drill. yeah! a new power drill. well, you like me to fix things around the house, don't you?
helen, i'm going to get that car back! look, stanley, you cheat those kids and you're going to regret it. i'll... i'll... i'll withhold my favors! now i got to get that car back. look, i haven't got time for this. sit! stanley, i'd like to make a better deal just the same as you but we don't have to trick the kids. now, i'm sure if you leveled with them that they'd split the 1,200 with us. split the 1,200? never! if you don't promise to split with them i'll go up there and tell them they should keep the car and sell it for whatever they can get for it. i'll go up and tell them that i'll split with them. you promise? i promise. thank you, stanley. but you got to promise me something. yeah? what?
i'm really getting the hang of sewing. it's only taken me four weeks to hem these pants. there we go. ta-da! oh, no... don't worry, chrissy-- they'll look just fine as long as you walk with one foot in the gutter. ( grunting ) touchdown! oh, i'm sorry, chrissy. hi, team. hey, are you back from the garage already? i thought it took longer than that to have the oil changed. uh, the mechanic said not to change it. oh, good! wait a minute. wait a minute-- jack, uh...
not to change the oil in the car? uh, because of the transmission. what about the transmission? the oil is the only thing holding it together. oh... that was really a dumb thing you did-- making us buy that car. it's just one of those rotten brakes. rotten breaks? yeah, the car's got those, too. oh! is there anything else wrong with it? you mean besides the shock absorbers and the water pump? how much will it cost? you don't want to know and i don't want to tell you. in the olden days they chopped off the head of the bearer of bad news with an ax. how much? $300. get the ax. i'm sorry. gee whiz, jack where are we going to get $300? if we sold the car, we could get 200... listen, you, this is all your fault. you told us we could handle that car. don't blame me. when i told you, you should have understood something.
that i'm stupid, stupid, stupid! jack, please! don't stop me! who's stopping you? harder, harder! i thought women were forgiving. ( doorbell rings ) i am forgiving. i'm "for giving" you a good, swift kick... hey! hello. mr. roper. nice to see you. uh... i was just thinking about the car. it may not be as good as it looks. oh, it's as good as it looks. yeah, but something could go wrong with it, like, tomorrow. or even sooner. yeah. see? i wouldn't want that on my conscience. you trying to say something, mr. roper? i just spoke to mrs. roper, and she finally agreed with me. uh, i'm going to make a split with you. a split? yeah. i'll take the car and give back your money. what?! what?! plus 50 bucks on top, just for your trouble. $50? okay-- 75. is it a deal? is it a deal? it is not a deal! chrissy...
to take back his car! it is not a deal! boy, chrissy, you are tough. okay, $100-- but that's my final offer. both: we'll take it! we won't take it. ( seething ) could i see you two in the kitchen, please? certainly, certainly. would you excuse us for a minute, mr. roper? don't leave. here. read something. are you nuts?! chrissy, it's the answer to our prayers. that is not true. nobody prayed. okay, chrissy, okay. we'll start now, okay? please make chrissy change her mind. or better yet, give her one. look, it is not honest to sell him back his car without first telling him what's wrong with it. you don't think he knows? do you think mr. roper would have sold us his car
well, even so, we got to be honest with him or it's no deal. mr. roper... yes? before we let you buy your car back you ought to know there are a lot of things wrong with it. really? like what? tell him. ( clears throat ) well, uh, it needs brakes. okay. and shocks. okay. and a new water pump? a few bucks, that's all. well, that's it! no, jack! you forgot something. what? the transmission. well, is it a deal? it's a deal. okay... here's your money. okay. plus $100. but do me a favor-- don't tell mrs. roper about the hundred
what? $1,200? wait a minute. you're not going to do this to me twice. this time we're going to haggle. it's not every day you come across a '57 chevy. '57? that car's a '58. '58? jack, jack, sonny boy... you don't know anything about cars. i mean, to car buffs, a '57 chevy is a classic. now, i remember buying that car in october, 1957. it was one of the first new models that came out for 19... 58. 58. oh, my god! bye-bye. wait, wait, wait! that car's got to be worth something. please! all right, i'll take a look at it. it's right out front. look at the beautiful lines. we can make a deal, can't we? sure. i can give you a good deal, roper. oh, you're a gentleman. give me 25 bucks and i'll tow it away.
you know why i asked to see you? you don't? let me start by saying i'm not a prude, but you have to stop groping each other in class. now, i know what you're going through. it's...hormones. i understand. you're full of them. i used to be full of them myself, but as you get older, they thin out a little bit. when you get this sudden hormone surge, think of something that will turn you off... like my english class. [telephone rings] you understand? good. excuse me. hello. oh, hi. hi, dr. hendricks. yes, i know, the, uh...
what? me chaperon the drama club in england? i would love to. yes. 4:00 in your office. i'll be there. thanks. so, kids... you get the message? definitely. good. see you in class. thanks, mr. lacey. see you later. am i a born chaperon or what? dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long
where i could spend a weekend curled up on a brass bed covered with a goose-down quilt. hey, red... let's say i knew of a little place like that. what would it take to get you there with me? chloroform. all right! i'll check my medicine cabinet. very good, kirk. now if you'll zip up your mind, we can get on with the meeting. if it's o.k. with everyone, i have something to discuss. certainly. what is it? lately, it seems that when i talk to people, they don't pay attention to what i'm saying, like yesterday-- hi, everybody. denise, hi.
i suppose y'all have seen this dumb article about the community center? no, we haven't, denise. it mentions every group except my overeaters anonymous group. how could they leave us out? usually, fat people are the hardest ones to miss. chill out, bones. you have enough problems with that jacket. what? it mentions smokenders, self-defense. it even mentions you people three separate times. really? that's right, louis. louis? says here-- "the 1-2-1 club, held every friday night, led by louis mercer." let me see that. i'd like my name there. every friday night for six months, i've told my husband that i go to o.a. meetings at the community center.
about 90 times. anyway, he doesn't even believe there's an o.a. meeting. he's insanely jealous. he thinks i've been burning calories with another man. why don't you bring orlando to one of your meetings? how many times do i have to tell you? my husband likes women with meat on their bones. no way am i going to take him to that international house of beef. isn't this wonderful? they mentioned the 1-2-1 club three times. could we get back to what i was talking about? oh, of course we can, kate. well, i guess i have this fear of becoming like my father's cousin sophie. she's sweet, but nobody ever listens to her, and that seems to be-- can we help you? happening to me. is this the 1-2-1 club?
i'm the group leader, louise mercer, and you are? must you know my name? ooh. i like this chick. hi, everybody-- ah-ah-ah. ralph? excuse me a moment. i'll be right back, everyone. ralph? ahem. you'll have to, uh, forgive ralphie. he hasn't really been himself the past 32 years. what in the world is going on here? louise. i'm sorry. am i interrupting something? i was just saying how sometimes people don't know or care who i am. does that happen to you? my god! it's you! i guess not. wait a minute. i know who you are.
the tv actress! whatever happened to you? it wasn't just tv. i've done films, too. you sure did! desperate measures in 1973! revenge of the sandworms in 1974! then in 1977, you got your own tv series-- convent cop! yeah, that's right! "sister madge, the nun with the badge!" da-da-da-da da-da da-da da da da da i must have been insane to think that no one would recognize me. i thought if i found a small support group, the details of my private life could be kept from leaking out. now that you know who i am, i'd better just go. don't be silly. you've nothing to worry about. that's right. whatever is said in this room stays in this room.
absolutely! you won't tell anybody that i was here? no, no! we're quite safe here. sit down. i could use somebody to talk to. you see... i'm going through a very painful divorce. oh! you and david split up? yes! after 12 years of marriage! good god! i'm sorry. it's just that-- what i did to our marriage is unforgivable. yes, dear. ofttimes in divorces, we blame ourselves for something we shouldn't. let's try to get to the root of the matter. well... i have an addiction. what are you addicted to, brooke?
so... i get this uncontrollable urge to sleep with every man i meet! oh! oh. oh! uh, miss collins... yes? if i may, there's a very important question that needs to be asked at this point. what is that? your place or mine? this lady will have a sherry. i'll have a beer. uh...same. uh, waiter. yeah? i would like a white wine spritzer-- not too much seltzer-- and a slice of lemon. there we are.
for my family back in england. they're going to be so impressed. if i could just get brooke down to my toll booth, it would be the biggest thing since we got that electronic slug detector. no, no, no. ralph, you can't tell anybody. brooke wants to protect her anonymity. oh! right. brooke, brooke, brooke, brooke, brooke. is brooke all we're going to talk about tonight? of course not. sorry, kate. good, because as i was trying to explain earlier-- i don't believe it! the electric company turned off my lights just 'cause i owe them 127 bucks. got any ideas? yeah. get some candles. get serious. where am i going to find a church open at this time of night? ah, there you are, brooke. are you feeling better? she's fine. yes, i must be.
thanks to you people. i want to thank each and every one of you. could we take a little time to listen to my problem? of course, kate. come on. thank you. as i was-- excuse--excuse me. what about my drink? you order something? top of the evening, everybody. hi, john! john. john! you're awfully chipper. you bet. i just got my plane tickets. in 10 days, i'll be walking where william shakespeare walked. whoa! talk about your major blood rush. john, i am so jealous. if there's anything i can bring back for you... oh, no, john.
o.k. get back here. now, i've broken it down to perishables and nonperishables. now, when you get to mrs. grey's apothecary-- it's only in chichester, about 90 miles outside london-- ask for felicity. she's the only one who knows diddly about cucumber lotion. if they're out of it, go down to brighton-- louise, this is quite a list. i know. customs people can be real pains. and good luck finding one who'll give you a decent strip search. well, i hope you're all happy now that you've completely ruined my life! what's wrong? what's wrong? you get me to bare my soul, then go to that bar so you can call that despicable tabloid. what on earth are you talking about? this article in the national intruder!
how could they do this? a three-headed camel's one thing, but to get a picture with all three faces smiling at once--whoo! ralph. ralph, the story about john. may i? oh. oh, will you just listen to this garbage? "former tv star brooke collins "is confessing her sex addiction to the 1-2-1 club, "a divorce group in rego park. "a reliable inside source reveals "after bed-hopping her way through all of show business, "collins' latest bunk hunk is drake prep english teacher john lacey." drake prep? they mentioned my school? oh, that's great! oh, this is disgusting.
well, knock me over with a cream puff! it's always you quiet ones. isn't it? please, denise. i got a problem. you've got a problem? i finally get orlando to forget about them ignoring our group in the last article. now he sees this? would it have killed you people to tell the intruder that overeaters anonymous meets right down the hall? you couldn't possibly think that we had anything to do with that pack of lies? oh, no? the whole community center's taking bets on which one of you is the reliable inside source. personally, i think it's the pretty one with too much mascara. well, see ya. in her own... delicate way,
one of us in this room must be the reliable inside source. yes, louise, you got that right, and i'd like to know who. who here would do a horrible thing like that? what? oh, come on! i am really wounded. give me one good reason why i'd do a hatchet job on my pal. it says in there the intruder pays $1,000 for the lead on a story. oh. yeah, like i need $1,000! no, you don't need $1,000. you'd do it for $5.00. hey, whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa! before you condemn me, i think you ought to listen to this.
"met at the 1-2-1 club, a support group led by--louise," not louis, "mercer" what are you getting at? i just think it's interesting that a certain publicity hound got her name spelled correctly this time. louise... a-a-absolutely not! i--i--i... was quite fond of brooke, unlike someone else who began to feel invisible when brooke joined the group. who was that? it was me, damn it! well, looks like we have a confession. no, i meant it was me who felt invisible. while we're pointing fingers, what about little miss hominy grits? she's the unemployed writer. she'd probably do anything to work at the intruder. she has a point, mary beth. yeah? maybe the inside source is a certain fan jealous of the attention
yeah! own up, tom! i thought you were my friends. maybe you planted that story. why would i let them put my picture on the front page? if you got caught, you'd say, "why would i let them put my picture on the front page?" all right! all right! please stop! just stop for a moment! one of you people isn't telling the truth. unless the guilty party steps forward and confesses right now, i'm quitting this group. very well. i'll pick up my coffee mug and be on my way. now, john, don't let's be hasty. i agree with john. why be in a group where you can't trust anybody?
i don't need this group, either. please, kate. right, red. let's go sort this thing out. we'll put our heads together. if that doesn't work, we'll put our bodies together. get away from me! what? ralph! what are you doing? o.k., so now you know! i got here early once, the paints were out, and i made a picture. i'm not accusing you of anything, louise, but i don't want to see any headlines tomorrow--
hi, mr. lacey. all right, brad. what is it? you have made me so proud. i'm afraid i would have to disappoint you, brad. the fact is i hardly even know brooke collins. next you'll tell me they airbrushed the smiles on the three-headed camel. good morning, john. good morning. dr. hendricks. my, it looks like you've lost some weight, sir. well, actually, i've put on a few pounds. and in all the right places. what do you think of this article, sir? extremely distasteful. my feelings exactly. look, i know how these tabloids exaggerate, and if it were solely up to me,
wait a minute. are you saying i'm not going? sorry. too many parents have complained about that article. i know my mother was appalled. dr. hendricks, i've been looking forward to that trip. let me be blunt. the situation is even worse than that. the school board is going to be asking for your dismissal unless you sign this statement promising you won't be seeing this collins woman again. first you take away my trip, then they tell me who i can socialize with? so to speak, yes. i think this stinks. you can tell the board i don't appreciate them trying to push me around. also tell them john lacey will see whomever he wants whenever he wants. you know, john...
in my youth. i used to take bold stands for my rights. i had morals. i had scruples. god, i was an ass. what did i just do? i'm risking my job to continue seeing a woman i've never even dated. nothing's going on between you two? i don't even have her phone number. you have got guts, standing up to hendricks. that was different. it was a matter of principle. right. you took a stand. you told him. john lacey will not be pushed around. when this is over, you'll have the school board's respect for that. you really think so? absolutely. bet my life on it. by the way, john... if i'm wrong, could i have your office?
captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. wait a minute. i know who you are. brooke collins! the tv actress. i thought if i found an out-of-the-way support group, i could keep my private life private, but now that you all know who i am, maybe i better just go. whatever is said in this room, stays in this room. i hope you're all happy now that you've ruined my life. what's wrong? this article in the national intruder. "sex addict brooke collins and her new boy toy"? i thought you people were my friends. how could one of you have done this?
unless the guilty party confesses now, i'm quitting this group. very well. i'll pick up my coffee mug and be on my way. i don't appreciate the board trying to push me around. john lacey will see whomever he wants whenever he wants. what did i just do? i'm risking my job to see a woman i've never even dated. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on
dr. hendricks called an emergency school board meeting to discuss your little fling with brooke collins. this whole thing is ridiculous. i could lose my job over someone who means nothing to me. all because i didn't sign that statement saying i'd never see her again. look, john, your job's on the line, your back's against the wall, it's fourth and long. you need a good old-fashioned pep talk. oh, god, no. please. trust me. i'm a coach. look, john, you got to get out there, look hendricks square in the eye, and grovel! grov-- i can't grovel. i used to say that. you'll get the hang of it. go get 'em. and, john, remember-- give up. give up. give up! get out!
give up. uh-huh. it's john lacey. is dr. hendricks in? o.k., just tell him that i, uh... will sign the statement. he'll know. yes? we heard you're going to stand up to the school board. we wanted to tell you we think what you're doing is really cool. yes, but-- this may sound kind of suck-up, but you're a real hero. i'm writing about the person i admire most in the 20th century. first it was jfk, but now i'm writing about you. jfk? john...i got your message. i brought the statement for you to sign.