tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 10, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST
that's-that's tweety bird. >> yes. [ laughter ] yes [ laughing ] >> okay. >> yes. >> okay. hang in here, folks. hang in here. [ laughter ] >> [ chuckling ] and here's a real good duck or swan or-- >> aw, look at that. [ collective "ooh" ] >> now, see? >> that's-- now we're gettin' somewhere. [ laughter ] now we're gettin' to the real important chips. >> well. here's a-- >> now, lemme see if i can guess, uh, what that is. >> if you hold that up this way, just like this, so it faces-- that's it. [ collective "aww" ] it's a dog! it's a dog. >> an angry dog or an angry bear. >> kinda like a-- kinda like a beagle. >> all right. >> okay. [ laughter ] [ laughing ] [ applause ] you'll go either way at all, right? i say-- it's now a beagle, folks. >> whatever you see. >> well, okay. >> this is a little sleeping bird. isn't that cute? >> yeah, that-- [ collective "aww" ] >> see, that's sleeping. it's got his bill down. >> we have a very emotional audience, here, tonight. they're getting-- [ laughter ] they're getting caught up, in this. >> mmm-hmm.
and you thought this was gonna be silly. uh, what do we have here? >> this is a butterfly. >> look at that. >> this is a butterfly. his, um-- >> look at that. >> antennas used to be longer, but i broke them. >> aw. >> they broke. >> you know, this coulda been, uh, devastating, if you'd been here a week ago. we had an earthquake. i heard about that! [ laughter ] >> and here, your chips woulda been sitting here. >> oh! >> don't you occasionally break one of these? >> oh, yes. >> what happens then? >> um-- >> you throw it out? >> just last week-- >> now, this one here looks-- now, wait, a second. that looks to me like you put some glue on that one. >> yeah, that was-- that's yogi bear. >> but doesn't that-- >> i broke his neck. [ laughter ] and i had to glue him. [ applause ] >> well-- >> can they see him? >> yeah, now, just like that. you see, there's a little-- >> yes. >> now, does that-- does that lower the value of the chip, when it's been-- [ laughter ] >> yes. yes. >> obviously, it's been restored, you know, and-- >> [ laughing ] >> sometimes that-- it's like at the mona lisa, you know. >> that's, um-- >> and here's a-- here's-- this is a, uh-- >> yeah, candle. >> that's a nice little candle. >> that's a candle. >> wow! >> i saw a candle. >> okay, now, we got another-another tray,
this is just the warm-up, folks. i mean. i'm gonna set this back here. >> these are very famous. >> uh-huh, now these-- >> these are my four brothers. larry, and his brother daryl, and his other brother daryl, another brother daryl. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] >> they certainly-certainly do have a family resemblance. there's a-- >> [ laughing ] oh-- >> and you do have-- you do have four brothers-- >> you have to be fast, to find four identical chips like that. you have to be fast. [ laughter ] >> i'll bet. >> to-to find-- they came off of the same potato, in a split second-- just like that. >> and if you'da just turned, for a second-- [ laughter ] >> i woulda missed them. >> these woulda-- >> right! >> these woulda been lost forever. [ applause ] folks, do you hear what we're telling you? i dunno if you folks realize what she's saying. >> right. >> these woulda been gone-- like that. [ laughter ]
on black velvet. >> yes. there's, um, um-- a museum wants-- >> the same potato. just-- >> right! and a mu-- >> how many chips do you get out of an average potato? >> uh, a finished-- ? >> yeah. >> about, uh, 15 perfect chips. >> ah. >> we use 250,000 pounds of potatoes, in eight hours. we use a million pounds of potatoes, in a week-- a 40-hour week. >> whoo. >> a million pounds. >> yeah. okay. now. all right. [ laughter ] i'm gonna-- i'm almost reluctant to touch these, you know, in case i would damage one of-- >> a museum wants some. >> museum wants some? >> yes, they-they want me to donate my chips to 'em. [ laughter ] that-- and they will preserve 'em forever. they have one chip-- >> you could probably get a good tax write off. >> they have one-- [ laughing ] >> that's right. if you have a valued collection, you donate it to a museum, i'd talk to your attorney. because you can get, you know-- >> they said-- >> i didn't mean to interrupt you. >> they said o--they've had one chip in the shape of a
had for 20 years, and that's all they've ever found. and so they called me and asked me if i would be willing to donate my-- part of my collection. you may be the last one to see them-- i wanted everybody to see 'em, first, be-- free. >> aw. [ applause ] >> before they have to pay. >> i think that's-- i think that's very generous of you. after tonight, these go to a museum. it could cost ya-- >> money. >> money, to go in and actually see this. >> yes. yes. >> and you're getting, here, for-for free, i think. >> here's, uh-- >> uh, we have to do a little commercial, first. then, we're gonna come back, and this is the piece de resistance. these are some of the real interesting-- >> yes. >> these-- are these some of the famous faces that you-- >> no, here are my famous faces. >> oh, you've got those! oh, okay, there's a whole nother tray, over there. my goodness. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> folks, you stay with us. now, come on.
[ applause ] >> we're back, folks. now. myrtle, we have a-- we have a little more time left, here. now, what-what are some of your prized ones on this, uh-- >> well, i have a pair of dirty sweat socks. that-- and, uh-- >> potato chips, folks, if you just joined us. >> yes. >> they're a-- >> and, there again-- >> from the same chip. >> i had to be real quick, to get a pair of something. >> yeah. >> and that's what those are. >> okay. now, what do we have here? what's that? >> oh, this is a calf. but he doesn't have any eyes. >> uh-huh. but that does look@like the head of a calf. >> the shape of a cow or a calf. >> right. okay. >> mmm-hmm. >> and this is a-- >> that's an eight. >> that's an eight. >> that's a letter-- a number eight. >> mmm-hmm. >> uh, here's a camel, laying down. >> a camel. >> a camel. >> oh, it sure is. there's no doubt about that. >> and, um-- and the pear is rather perfect. >> mmm-hmm. i have a lot of apples and pears and pumpkins. >> mmm-hmm. >> potato chips. >> potato chips.
>> look at this one, john. >> [ crunching ] [ laughter ] no, no, no. [ booing ] no, i didn't-- >> oh, my goodness! [ applause ] >> i'm s-- excuse me! god. i'm-- she-- m-myrtle thought i was eating her collection. i-- no, they had a bowl, back here, of just regular chips. >> and i had one of those. i wasn't picking up your-- >> ugh. [ laughter ] >> excuse me. you really had a start, there, didn't you? >> yes. i heard that crunch! >> you heard that crunch, and you thought i was-- >> right. >> i was eating her act. [ laughter ] okay. okay, we-- [ chuckling ] i'm awfully sorry, myrtle. okay, now, these are famous people, huh? >> two of 'em. >> two. >> two of 'em. you want me to hold them up? >> [ clearing throat ] yeah, what's your-- what's
>> i like bob hope. >> where's bob hope? >> um, he's kinda little. right there. [ laughter ] >> [ laughing ] [ applause ] [ imitating bob hope ] i wanna tell ya! how 'bout that? yes, sir, right here! >> and, uh, i have roger dangerfield. [ chuckling ] >> hold it. that's it. look at that. we got a shot of it. there's rodney dangerfield. >> rodney dangerfield. [ laughter ] >> okay. >> i have snoopy. >> snoopy. >> yes, i have a lot of cartoon characters. >> yeah. all-righty. >> and, uh, i have a dinosaur. >> a dinosaur. all right. >> yes, but you see one of his legs broke off. >> well, that's-- that can happen. now, these won't last forever ,will they? >> a dinos-- no, but the museum will-- >> i mean, being vegetable-- >> i have to be so careful. a dinosaur. >> yeah. so, you're gonna donate these to the museum, now, and then people can go in. but you'll still collect them, on your job, right? >> i only have a-a year or two, yet, to work, and then i'll retire, but i don't think i can stop seeing little objects. i think i'll always see, um-- [ laughter ] >> well. >> i'll probably collect them. >> a couple of belts, at
james galway, in a moment. [ applause ] >> okay, we're back. >> [ chuckling ] >> those chips are good, aren't they? okay, my next guest is an internationally, uh, famous artist, who's currently on tour, with the los angeles chamber music society. his latest recording is on cd, called "james galway plays nielsen." would you welcome, please, james galway?
and so beautiful. >> nice piece. >> nice to see you, again. >> thank you. >> and the-- and the young lady on the harp. that's very nice background. >> yeah. >> you make that-- like any great art, you make that appear so effortless, you know, and easy to do, but you must constantly have to-- what is-- the embouchure? you have to-- >> yea-- the embouchure. you got it. [ chuckling ] >> so you have to practice constantly? >> yes, all the time. >> yeah. >> all the time. >> yeah. >> we haven't seen you, for about, what? two-two years? >> yeah. >> three, nearly. >> yeah, i just got married, the last time. >> that's right. >> how's-how's it goin'? >> very, very good. very well. >> yeah. >> [ laughing ] >> i'm glad to-- always glad to hear when somebody's marriage is goin' well. [ laughter ] >> [ laughing ] >> i like that. [ applause ] gives us all hope. d-does your wife travel with you, now, all the time, when you're-- >> all the time. >> does she-- does she-- >> all the time. >> is she used to bein' on the road? >> yes. >> yeah. >> well, she's used to it, now, all right. >> yeah. well, a lotta people don't like that much traveling. and you-you do a lot of it. >> no. no, i don't-- i will say i don't like it, either. you know, when you get to some place, and your-- the bag that contains all
>> have you ever lost your instrument? >> no. >> you must carry that right with you, on the plane. >> all the time. all the time. >> so, have you showed up some place, but the clothes are gone? >> uh, only-- >> and you've got a concert? then whaddya do? >> well, only one time, actually, and i sort of managed. i played a couple of concerts, last season, in my sneakers. >> [ chuckling ] >> which was very comfortable, actually, and i-i liked that. nobody-nobody notices what you wear on your shoe-- on your feet. >> yeah, why not? why not wear-- be comfortable. >> i dunno. i mean, people don't look at-at your feet, when you play. >> yeah. yeah, well, get some nice black sneakers, or something, and go on out and do it. >> i did. >> you-- [ laughter ] you were-- talked, once, about-- when we were on the show-- about goin' on the wagon. >> yeah. >> 'cause you were not adverse to having a-an occasional, uh, little >> true. [ chuckling ] >> and, uh-- quite a few pick-me-ups. >> yes. >> did you do it? >> well, after i fell off the wagon a few times-- >> yeah? >> i-i decided to do something about it, eventually, but it came
um, i got very overweight, and i decided the only way to deal with this is to go into one of these swanky swiss clinics, where they put you on a diet, for two weeks-- >> right. >> and you come out half the man you were. >> [ chuckling ] >> so, i did, but, at the same time, they have, uh, a whole team of doctors, and they-they take a reading of everything. and they said to me, "well, mr. galway, your liver is at the point where, if you don't stop, it will not repair itself." and i thought, well, there's no sense to goin' on with this, and i just stopped. >> now, that's smart. right? >> well, that's what the doctor thought too. [ applause ] >> yeah. now, i don't wanna get letters from irish people-- >> [ laughing ] >> but the irish have certainly had a reputation for being pretty good drinkers. right? >> yeah, they are pretty good. >> why is that? is it something in the, uh-- the makeup of the irish? >> i dunno. it's something to do with the celtic race. >> yeah? >> you know, the celts-- they all do it. the-- north of france, where they're the same-- >> yeah. >> you know, they drink this, uh, uh, apple cider and stuff like that,
and in wales, they do-- you know dylan thomas was, uh-- >> yes. >> another example of the celtic drinking poet? >> right. >> and we've had a few irish actors on this show. >> [ laughing ] >> who-who love to go out, and, uh-- and carouse, a little bit. i just thought maybe if something, uh, in-- you-- you're-you're irish, aren't ya? >> yes, i am, john. [ laughter ] >> but, i have to say one thing. for an irishman, he smells very good. [ laughter ] >> well, i'm gla-glad to hear that. you're looking good. >> thank you. >> you look like you've dropped weight, and you look healthy and happy. >> thank you. the main thing. did you ever think-- there is a fallacy, is there not, of-- i think, among any creative artists, that sometimes you think, when you're under the influence of alcohol, you are performing better, or you're being more creative? >> uh, i-- i think it's a phony assumption. at least you feel that you are. >> it is a phony thing. but i think, if you're a writer, it helps, you know, because you know when you drink something, your mind gets a bit muddled, and you begin to sound like james joyce.
one word, then makes a rhyme out of one word. you know, you have pages in "ulysses," where it's a rhyme of one word. >> right. >> [ chuckling ] >> you think, maybe, that he was-- they say-- now, i-i dunno whether it's, uh, true-- edgar allan poe, they said, wrote some of his things under the influence. you know, those macabre type of poe stories. >> mmm-hmm. >> when he was under the influence of alcohol. maybe that's the reason it comes out, in that-- in that strange way. but, the playing. how was it, when you were playing? did you ever-- >> no, i never drank when i was playing before. always after. >> right. >> because i-i just can't function, at all. [ chuckling ] [ laughter ] you know, if i-- if i drink,
next week, along with some of these other people. should i read some of these names? >> go ahead. >> tom hanks, diane schurr-- great singer. david letterman will be with us. robert klein, joe piscopo, cutting crew, calvin trillin, and george benson and earl klugh. we'll see ya, tomorrow. good night. [ applause ]
i'm humbled, by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
i'll take this down to mrs. roper. remind mr. roper about that leaky faucet. oh, thanks for reminding me. oh, hi. hi. happy un-birthday. oh, jack, i've got to talk to you. first i want to tell you about my surprise. well, jack, this is important. what's more important than peter frampton? michael winthrop. what's he recorded? he's the guy i've been dating, remember? oh, yeah. michael "the gourmet" winthrop. don't talk about him like that. i happen to like him... and i've invited him here for dinner. dinner? you planning to send out? no. he's expecting me to cook. you! chrissy, you can't cook.
when you tried to make spaghetti? i wanted to make sure that it was thoroughly mixed with the sauce. but you don't do that in a blender. you made us a spaghetti malted. well, i just thought it would be faster. the correct way is to mix the sauce in a bowl then pour it gently over the spaghetti. see, you just taught me how to make basghetti. now, if you could give me a few more hints... cooking is not hints. cooking is an art. it takes years to learn. oh, please! well, i suppose i could give you a few pointers and... with a lot of practice and a lot of time maybe, i suppose eventually... when's this guy coming? tonight. tonight?! so if you could start teaching me... the only way you could cook dinner would be if i cooked it for you. oh, jack, i knew i could count on you. oh... now, wait a minute, chrissy...
are you all right? chrissy, speak to me! speak to me. she must have passed out. i-i gave her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. standing up? oh, well, hey, it's the best way. uh, the air goes downhill directly into the, uh, lungs. she looks all right to me. see, it works! you know what i think? i think you and chris... the leaky faucet in the kitchen? it's been acting strange lately. it's not the only thing strange around here. i don't care what jack says. they were kissing. i know a kiss when i see one. i didn't think you had that good a memory. helen, i'm serious. how were they doing it, stanley? show me. helen, this is no time to fool around. okay, you want to make an appointment?
ah, come on, stanley. nobody's smart enough to do that to you. that's true. but what about all those times we saw jack down at the regal beagle with all those girls? oh, those girls were just pals. why would a gay guy want to pal around with so many girls? to see how the other half lives? what about the time he took out my niece? i bet he tried something that night. you know, there's one thing you've never understood, stanley. "trying is not doing." okay. okay, but if i find out that tinkerbell... has stopped ringing i'm going to throw him out on his ear. look, isn't that pretty? how do you like it? what is it? it's macrame. i'm making a holder for my pot.
it's for hanging my plant that janet fixed for me. look, don't you think she did a lovely job? yeah, lovely, lovely. why'd you invite her to dinner? what's so great about a plant? well, for one thing, it's alive. which is more than i can say for some things around this house. hi. hi. what you cooking for dinner? my own goose. well, you know what, jack? i think what you're doing is absolutely marvelous. no wonder chrissy thinks you're so fantastic. she does? sure. i mean, why shouldn't she? you're going to help her impress somebody who really means a lot to her. ( gasps ) jack, are you jealous?
me? yeah. that's crazy. look, i admit i like chrissy. you know, she's a nice person and-and you're a nice person, too. i like you. and if i were doing this for you instead of chrissy, i'd feel exactly the same way. what way? i don't know. all i know is that you two need looking after and here's chrissy dating this-this total stranger. well, if you feel that way about it why don't you spoil the dinner? and ruin my reputation as a chef? well, excuse me. how's it going? i'm almost finished. now, chrissy, all you have to do is keep the soup on simmer. check the temperature, toss the salad. i can't do all that. you've got to stay and do it. but that'll ruin everything for you. if i stay, he'll see me. not if you stay in the kitchen. you want me to hide in here all night? no.
i'm not going to do it. oh, please. no. for me. ( groans ) okay, but for now on just call me cyrano de tripper. huh? i'm cooking to light another guy's fire. ( shrieks ) well, michael? ahh... i seem to taste a dash of cinnamon in the claret consomme. i hope it's not too much. any less would be timid. any more would be precocious. what you have achieved is divinely tantalizing. does that mean you like it? like it? it comes straight from heaven.
oh. that'd be that green stuff right here. oh. oh... ah... perfect. tell me, how did you introduce the dressing? i just said, "salad, meet the dressing. dressing, meet the salad." ( laughs ) seriously, how did you do it? i have to get something on the stove. could you excuse me? sure. oh, jack. oh, he's asking questions. and you're giving him some answers.
"hi there, salad. "you look a little limp. "oh, dressing, am i glad to see you. "cover me quick. i'm naked." oh, jack, please. okay. fresh parsley, shallots finely chopped salt, ground pepper, wine, vinegar, olive oil stand one hour then pour gently into bowl and toss. you got all that? yeah. fresh parsley, chopped shallots salt, pepper... you smell wonderful. what's that perfume you're wearing? wine vinegar, olive oil fresh parsley... what? the salad dressing. oh, never mind that. i've got to know something else. you do? that appetizer-- the rice mold you made for the stuffed artichokes-- is that cooked in a saucepan
would you excuse me a minute? again? i want to get my roast out of the oven. let me do that. no! the door's stuck. yeah. well, it's an old building and it always does that when there's too much weight near the door. you're kidding? no. sit down. i'll show you. okay. see? floor's all balanced now. jack, that rice mold did i cook it in a saucepan or a double boiler? both. both. both? i hope you don't mind me saying this it's a trifle wasteful. what? well, you see, the pan is totally unnecessary and it tends to absorb the healthful nutrients
hey dad! how 'bout this one? what's it rated? t nice try. hey. try this one. and i think your dad will go for it. for more info, there's a rating search app. and you can set parental controls at home alright thanks. i'll check that out. let's see if you can beat your old man at this one. game on. let's do this! [female narrator] check the ratings. because some games are for kids. some aren't. visit esrb dot org. jack, how could you? well, he... he... would you excuse me? i'd like to freshen up my hand. of course. the bathroom's in here. thanks. of all the rotten, mean, egotistical creeps. yeah, i don't like him either. i am talking about you.
you deliberately blew the whole thing to make me look like a fool. now, chrissy, don't get upset. i can straighten this out. it is impossible to straighten this out. don't be so negative. he doesn't know who i am. all he knows is... that you're hiding in my kitchen cooking my dinner. it is impossible to straighten this out. i want to apologize... stay away from me. michael, this is jack tripper. he's... hi. i thought you must be. jack is studying to be a chef and, well, i wanted to impress you so i asked him to cook the meal for us. i'm sorry. well, i'm afraid i can't accept your apology. what? what kind of a fink is he? there's no need to apologize. the point is, you did all this for me. i'm very flattered. he's quite a nice fink. so now that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak thank you and good-bye.
you do understand this is a rather special evening for chrissy and me. we'd like to be alone, so good-bye, jack. oh, yes, well... good-bye, chrissy. i'll see you sometime. yes. i'll give you a call. oh, good. you know where to reach me, do you? right. well, i'll be moving on my little way here. bye. bye. no. wait. michael... there's something you ought to know. jack lives here. oh. well, in that case, i'll take you home. no. i live here, too. with jack? oh, it's all right. the three of us lead our own lives. oh, good. the three of you? you and two guys?
and you can still find time to cook? it's strictly platonic. oh, i knew you wouldn't understand. oh, but i do understand. the platonic principle has always intrigued me. incidentally, i found greece fascinating. grease? oh, we tried to get tickets to that show and it was all sold out. chrissy... that reminds me. what? let's get on with the dinner. so far, it's been excellent. oh, well, thank you. yes, the stuffed artichokes were very delicate. thank you. the claret consomme was a delight. maybe a bit too much sugar, but otherwise, first-rate. and the wine you chose-- a subtle, yet daring... too much sugar? yes. cinnamon in the consomme is enough.
does he have a hearing problem? too much sugar. maybe for someone with impaired tastebuds. uh, jack. if my tastebuds were amputated i could distinguish between sweet and sickly. sickly? you don't need tastebuds. you need a new palate which may require a new brain. are you saying i am insensitive? no, i'm just saying that you have the mouth of a rhinoceros. jack, please. even a rhinoceros wouldn't add sugar to cinnamon. anybody who would do that... is in the same class with the great chefs like julia child, james beard, and robert carrier. the last time i spoke to ramon olivet he was emphatic... you spoke to ramon olivet? he said no sugar with the cinnamon in the claret consomme. you spoke to ramon olivet? the chef at the grande faveur in paris? you know ramon olivet? we stuffed chickens together.
not only that. i put too much sugar in the consomme. good. now can we get on with dinner, please? so you know ramon olivet? a charming man. did he give you any tips? michael, should we sit down..? you should see the way he sautes his onions. how? how? how? would you like me to show you? are you kidding? come into my kitchen. fellas! how about his pate en brioche? well, i've heard it described as "catching a dazzling ray of sunlight." wow. that was really a great dinner, mrs. roper. oh, thanks, janet. you're welcome. yeah, it certainly was better than that chili we had for dinner yesterday. boy, that stuff was so hot, it kept me awake all night. i wish i could say the same about him. what? what? oh, nothing. nothing, stanley.
oh, i'd better get us some more coffee. listen, i was just thinking about your friend jack... kissing chrissy this morning. and i don't like it. well, why don't you stop thinking about it? i mean, he's not going to get away with it. get away with what? oh, come on. we both know what jack and chrissy are doing up there right now. oh, did chrissy tell you? of course not, but i have my ways. like the good book says "jack can fool some of the people all of the time but he don't fool me none of the time." and i don't like it. well, listen, neither does jack. what? no, no, he's not enjoying what he's doing. then why is he doing it?
chrissy? why? why not? i mean, he lives there and he can do the job. i don't understand you kids. you talk like she's ordering a big mac. boy, i wish it were that simple. i mean, you don't realize the problems jack has. it is a miracle he can get anything done. huh? yeah. with chrissy's date up there. huh? yeah, he has to do it hiding in the kitchen. the kitchen? wait a minute. wait. you mean there are three of them up there? where do you fit in to all of this? oh. nowhere, thank goodness. you're a good girl. thanks. but i'll tell you i would love to have stayed and watched. what?
helen. helen! i'm coming! i'm coming! i'm coming. never mind the coffee. i let that kid move up there 'cause he said he was gay but after what i saw this morning and after what i heard just now i know better. whoa, whoa, mr. roper. all i said is that he's cooking dinner for chrissy and her date. you see what i mean? and i'm, um... cooking a dinner? yes. what's wrong with that? i don't know... yet. mr. roper, that is all that's happening. ( doorbell rings ) maybe i'm wrong and for jack's sake, i hope i am. yes? hi. does jack tripper live here? you want the apartment upstairs. oh, thank you. jack's not in. what do you want with him? i just wanted to return his sweater. i borrowed it from him last night when we were on the beach. what?! you and jack were on the beach?! thank you.
and i'll make sure he gets it. you hear that, helen? jack and that girl-- what about that? isn't that just like jack? taking the sweater off his back for somebody in distress? yeah. this is proof, helen. oh, stanley, you're ridiculous. yeah, you're crazy. yeah, you're, you're getting paranoid. i am not. why is everybody against me? i'm going up there and throw that phony out on his ears.
what? what happened? what he did to me was unforgivable. it's worse than i thought. what did he do? he stole my date! what? what? well, see for yourself. i'm going to get to the bottom of this. mmm. that's fantastic, michael. my stuffing never comes out like this. how do you do it? well, it's easy as long as you remember just a breeze of salt and pepper and just the dashiest dash of tabasco. you got a marvelous touch. ( clearing throat ) oh, hi, mr. roper. anything wrong? uh, not anymore, jack. it's all right, helen. that's wonderful. now, stanley, i think you should apologize to jack. oh. i'm sorry, jack.
what did you do? me? nothing. i just thought i saw something that wasn't normal because it was normal. but now i can see it ain't normal so everything's back to normal again. oh, well, i'm glad for you. and now, jack, you can go on living here as long as you like. can't he, stanley? i can? sure. unless you and your friend here would like to find a place of your own.
three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
oh. jack. jack. what is it? fine roommate you are. how can you be sleeping at a time like this? oh, sorry. i must have dropped off when i went to bed. jack, chrissy isn't home yet. huh? chrissy isn't home. oh, that's a lovely idea, janet, but i'm too tired. no. you don't understand. all right, janet, what's the problem? number one, chrissy went out with the girls from the office after work and she isn't home yet. so what's number two? what do you mean, "what's number two"? well, generally, when people say number one they follow it up with a number two so what's number two? there isn't any number two. don't you understand? chrissy isn't home.
jack, what are we going to do? i'll tell you what we're going to do. you'll go to bed, i'll go to bed and when chrissy comes home, she'll go to bed. then we'll all be in bed together. separately together. no, no, no. i'm too worried to sleep. i'll just wait up. okay, good night. by the way what time is it? ten after 3:00. mm-hmm. ten after 3:00? ten after 3:00?! chrissy's usually home by midnight when she has to go to work. why didn't you tell me it was ten after 3:00? okay, calm down, janet. you okay? listen, jack... listen, i'm really worried. now where can she be? there's got to be a simple explanation. like what? okay, like, chrissy goes with her girlfriends to this club, all right? there's a band. she meets some guy. she starts dancing. then chrissy forgets the time and suddenly she says, "look at how late it is."
he's drunk, he hits a bus and they're all killed. where did you get "he's drunk and he hits a bus"? same place you got the band and the dancing. okay, there wasn't any dancing. there-there weren't any guys and they were drinking root beer from paper cups. and then chrissy notices the time and all the girls get into a cab with a sober woman driver. they drop chrissy off first and she's home safe and sound. no, no. then she should be home safe and sound right now. oh, my god! something went wrong! i just know it! call the cops! jack! no, wait. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm cool. i liked it better when i was hysterical. jack: chrissy. you're safe. oh, honey, you're home. where have you been? do you have any idea what time it is? you should have been home hours ago. haven't you heard of the telephone? i hope you're satisfied coming in at this hour. janet and i were worried sick. you could have been raped or mugged or killed.