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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  February 11, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST

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one of the reasons i left home was 'cause no one thought i was old enough to take care of myself. well, let me tell you something, i am old enough and i really resent the two you playing mother and father and treating me like a child. well, that's gratitude for you. it's all your fault, mother. you should have been stricter with her. maybe we'd better go have a talk with her. maybe you should wait here. i've got a feeling one parent is enough right now. oh, chrissy, i'm sorry. you've got every right to be mad at us but please don't cry. i'm not crying about that. oh, good. well, i mean, whatever it is, how bad can it be? ( crying ) that bad, huh?
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if my mother ever finds out... oh, if my father ever finds out... you think i'll ever find out? come on. well, i went with the girls from the office to this bar the funky fox and there was a band and there were a lot of guys not many girls. and the tables... oh, the tables had these tablecloths with tartan designs all over them. it reminded me so much of home because my father sent away to one of those firms that trace your family roots... they do that for white people, too, you know? and they said that our ancestors were scottish so we had to have everything in tartan-- tartan tablecloths, tartan towels tartan skirts. i even had to wear...
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well, i met this guy who's really cute good dancer, very sincere. we talked for hours. it sounds like you had a wonderful date. he was a creep. he had the cutest eyes, just like robert redford and a dog with black and brown spots. he had a dog in the club? no. in his hometown of pine bluff, arkansas. pine bluff is the fourth largest city in arkansas. chrissy. he still has a cousin there named paul. chrissy, chrissy, why are you crying? well, i gave him my name and number and... and he asked me... he asked me... he asked you out? no. he asked me how much i... how much i... how much you liked him? no! janet, he thought i was a hoo...
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a hoo... hoo... hoo... hoo... a hooker?! ( crying ): a hooker. jack: what's going on in there? nothing. oh, don't tell jack. i'd just die. is everything all right? yeah, great. just great. oh, good, 'cause i thought i heard some crying. no. i was just laughing. ( gasping loudly ) everything's all right now, jack. chrissy, where'd you go tonight? she went to the funky fox. you shouldn't go there. people will think you're a hooker. ( shrieks ) you told him. somebody took you for a hooker? oh, i feel so cheap. cheap? that's one thing those girls are not. i-i heard about it from some guys.
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how could a guy think that i was a hoo...? a hoo... jack: chrissy, chrissy... look on the bright side. what bright side? the guy's got great taste. he picked you over all the regulars. ( cries ) chrissy. chrissy. very funny, jack. you're a very funny guy. i was just trying... it is a super thrill living with you because we know we can count on you. when the going gets rough, you come up with dumb jokes. ( knocking ) stanley: coming. ( knocking continues ) hold your horses. first, it's pacers. now, it's knockers. you're getting a nice variety, stanley. ( knocking ) who is it?
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a detective. show me your badge. do you know the difference between a real badge and a fake one? no. then you'd better let him in. come in, officer. good evening. good evening. oh. sorry to bother you at this late hour. i can explain about those parking tickets. parking tickets? i never saw them. they must have fallen off the car. otherwise, i would have paid for all five of them. i'm not here about parking tickets. what parking tickets? i'm from the vice squad. oh, boy, are you in the wrong apartment. i'm looking for a miss chrissy snow and i've traced her to these premises. she lives upstairs. what would you want with chrissy? she's the sweetest thing in the world isn't she, stanley? yes, very sweet.
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can you just tell me what apartment she's in? i'll show you where it is. now that i think about this there's some very strange goings-on up there. oh, jack, listen, i'm sorry... where are you going? i thought i'd take a walk. at this hour? why don't you go to bed? 'cause i hate myself. can't you hate yourself in the morning? no, you don't understand. chrissy needed comforting, and what did i do? i made her feel worse. ( doorbell rings ) who can that be? who is it? stanley: open up, jack. just what i need-- roper. oh? uh, miss chrissy snow, please. who are you? chrissy. that's him. that's the creep that called me a hooker.
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[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.
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is it broken? no. you just bruised the knuckles. i don't mean my hand. is his face all right? the ropers are taking care of him. just relax. i hit a cop. just relax? i don't think you could have hurt him very much. what? what? what? what? what? what? do you have a small band-aid? medicine chest, third shelf. see, jack? all he needs is a small band-aid. oh, no, no, no-- that's for stanley. he cut his finger on your ice cube tray. ice cubes? i'm on my way to the slammer and your husband's mixing drinks? no, the ice is for the ice pack for officer lannigan to stop the swelling. swelling? i gave the guy swelling? now tell me to relax. relax. ooh... ow! do you have any idea what the penalty is for hitting a cop? chrissy: what? how is he? how is he? oh, relax, jack. it's not that serious. good. thank you, mrs. roper. anyway, we'll know better
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i'm finished. i've had it. one minute, i'm sound asleep in my bed. the next minute, i'm a picture on the post office wall. all right, take it easy. take it easy. all right, which one of you guys hit me? he's still a little dazed. well, it... it... it was me, officer. i'll go quietly. oh, i'm sure jack didn't mean to hurt you. he's not a violent person. i would have warned you if he was. thank you, sir. we need more people like you. you need him, you can have him. why did you hit me, sir? that was a terrible thing to do. i feel really badly that you did that to me. oh, god, i hurt his feelings, too. i just don't understand why. well, i can understand you not understanding but, you see, earlier tonight you made a very offensive remark to my friend chrissy, here.
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i can understand that. oh, boy, i'm glad. but i had already figured out i was mistaken about chrissy. that's why i'm here-- to apologize. thank k u. you're welcome. but then you hit me. officer, look, i'd like to apologize for hitting you. why don't we shake? fair enough. aieee! well, that's settled. why don't we all have a drink? come on, stanley. thank you, ma'am, but i can't drink on duty. aw... you could have a cup of cocoa. cocoa? yeah, for medicinal purposes. come on, stanley. you're still on duty? yes, miss. i'm in the process of apprehending a felon. well, in that case, don't let us keep you. apprehending a felon-- that sounds so exciting. yeah. who is it? you, sir. me, sir?
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you assaulted a police officer. but you shook hands. you can't arrest someone when you shake hands. that's a rule. it's like you can't take a giant step before you say, "mother, may i?" i'm afraid you're wrong, miss. the rule is that if someone attacks a police officer that someone has got to be apprehended. oh, i... excuse me. i... i feel a little woozy. i think i'd better sit down. that's better. gee, i didn't know you were a cop. i thought you were a creep. let me get this straight. your intent was to assault a creep? see, that's right. that's a different matter altogether. what we have here is a case of assault on a police officer with intent to punch a creep. however, according to the book i still have to take you in.
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now look, officer, he didn't know that you were a cop. that's right. you didn't identify yourself. i'll have to think about that one. what do you mean you have to think about that? janet. jack, who does he think he is? let him think about that. who do you think you are? chrissy, he's thinking about that. hey, what right have you got, anyway to be making lewd advances to my friend here? look here, miss, i'm a police officer. i have the right to make lewd advances to anyone i like as long as i keep dirt off the streets. well, you didn't flash a badge or anything. he flashed for stanley. listen, i happen to know a thing or two about the law. yeah. she watches police woman every week. i happen to know that what you did is illegal, buster. it's called entrapment. and for that, you deserve
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you have to excuse her. she's... she doesn't like heights. now, wait a minute. she's right. what kind of a police department are you running, anyway? the idea! propositioning young girls encouraging sexual abandon. i was not encouraging sex. i was trying to stop sex. that's even worse. you better come down to the station with me, sir. oh, boy, i just thought of something. they'll kick me out of cooking school for this. and i'm only halfway through puff pastry. they won't let me finish the course. nobody wants a chef with a felony on his record. okay, sir. come on, let's go. no, wait, officer. officer, don't be so rough. you got to be very careful with his type. his type? they're very emotional... that type. what type?
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not me... him. you're gay? not always. sometimes i'm quite depressed. oh, boy. this means i got to tell my lieutenant i was knocked down by a homosexual. yes, and you have plenty of witnesses, too. witnesses, too. what's that for? aren't we going to be handcuffed together? look, here i'm up for a detective of the year award. does that mean you always get your man? yeah.
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it's just that some of my superiors who are wonderful officers might not understand. don't you worry, officer. we're going to make sure that they understand. i... just... might have been wrong about, um... uh, yes, here it is. you were right, miss. the rule is: you cannot arrest somebody after they shake hands. i knew it!
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i think i'll be going. i'll show you the way. um... miss snow, could i talk to you for a second? sure. excuse me. what i wanted to say...
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yeah? okay. you see, earlier this... look, i'm really sorry about what happened at the club, okay? oh, hey, it's okay. it is? that's swell. because when i talked to you at the club i kept thinking, "gee, it's too bad that this dame is a hooker." i mean, she doesn't look like one. oh, that's very sweet of you. can i make it up to you by taking you to dinner tomorrow night? i know this great italian restaurant. i would love it. sounds like fun. terrific. you're really a nice girl. oh, thanks. yeah. well, no hard feelings? hey, don't worry about it. i'll give you a lift home as long as you don't mind sitting in the back seat. no, thanks. i live here. no, you don't live here. she lives here. you do live here, don't you?
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with him? and me. him and me? no, no, no. her and me and he. actually, it's her and her and him. no, no, no. it's her and her and whatever. the three of you live here... together? that's right. right. look, uh... on second thought why don't we just forget about the italian restaurant and have dinner at my place? you know what i mean? yeah, i know what you mean. you're really some kind of guy, aren't you? yeah. you thought i was a certain kind of person because i was in a certain kind of place. then you thought i was another kind of person because i was in another kind of place. when i met you, i thought you were a creep. but when you didn't arrest jack i thought you were a nice guy. but you know what? the creep just crept back!
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creeping out of here! it was just a thought. i mean, uh... i'm not busy tomorrow night.
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you've got to promise what i'm about to say stays in this room. o.k.! all right! tell us! all right. here goes. i... am the real voice... of milli vanilli. o.k., o.k.! i don't do both of them, i just do vanilli. i did it as a favor. he's a friend of mine. you know such interesting people. at kirk's apartment, i met the inventor of the artificial heart. no, he's-- also the inventor of kirk's artificial brain? the inventor of the artificial heart was at kirk's apartment? yeah, and i waited there alone five hours
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oh, he's such an interesting guy! now he's an installer for the cable company. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song
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oh, good. you're here. i didn't want to forget to give you this. don't you know how to knock? want a knock? o.k., you're ugly. "house painting by henry." thanks, denise. henry's good, he's reasonable, and he's my cousin-- second cousin, but he is my cousin. you know, painting runs in the family. his daddy was a painter. you want a discount, mention my name--
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last time he said he was fishing with the guys. got to get back to my overeaters group. oh, i lost 90 pounds! too bad none of it was in your tongue. i know. i talk too much. you breathe too much. i'll stop if you will. see ya! having your apartment painted, john? living room and bedroom. the only rooms you have. i guess i'm having my apartment painted. you need a painter and didn't come to me? what, suddenly you've become a house painter? right, like i'm going to risk getting latex on these hands. no. a friend of mine is a painter. give this guy a roller and brush, he's a regular chopin. kirk, chopin was a composer,
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i know, but how do you think he made his living before his songs hit the charts? he's not the voice of milli vanilli for nothing. does he have a card? no. he does this on the side. i'll only hire a professional painter. he is a professional. his full-time job is painting runways at the airport. kirk, that's just painting straight lines. john, put enough straight lines together, you got your apartment painted. so, how about it? i'll send my buddy over tomorrow for an estimate. o.k. make it in the morning. my mother's coming that afternoon. your mother? she's going to spend a few days with me. be careful, john. when my mom came to stay with me, within the first hour she started making orders-- "don't play ball in the house!
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that's not a problem with mom. she lets you jump on the sofa? no. we get along beautifully. she's in her 70s and full of energy. we'd love to meet her. bring her to next week's meeting. oh, yeah. she'd love that. we're always running out of things to do. see the skaters at rockefeller center. have tea at the plaza. i could take her for an evening of music and dance. does she like to stuff dollars into jockey shorts? i've been painting since i was a small fry, just like my daddy. he sat me on his knee once and told me, "you got lucite in your blood, nathaniel." nathaniel's my real first name. i go by henry, my middle name. when you said you were a friend of denise,
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i tell you denise was my cousin? you didn't have to. got the estimate yet? right. this is all it'll cost for two rooms. $900? that's a little steep. denise said you might give a discount. oh, no, man. i ain't giving no discounts. she also said i should mention something about a fishing trip you took recently. all right. make it 350. you must've caught a big one. guess i'll hear from you? can i call you by saturday? make it monday. next weekend i'm going fishing. hi. is...kirk in? who's this? his houseboy? look, kirk, it's me john. it's not a collection agency.
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right. would you have him give me a call? oh, kirk, you do a lousy chinese accent. oh, cambodian. i'm sorry, my mistake. later, later. [doorbell chimes] ma! hi, johnny! oh! are my arms getting shorter or your lunch breaks getting longer? mama! come in, come in. how was your drive? i took the bus. took the bus? why? i don't drive anymore. why not? last month i almost ran over a cat. could happen to anybody. this cat was sleeping in the pet store window. that's terrible. i sold the car to maureen bowman. well, as long as you're o.k. well, let's get rolling. i thought we'd grab a bite, take in a movie, then hit a few museums.
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sure. we can do the museums tomorrow. we'll see. coffee? yeah. great. when do you have to go back home? well, actually, johnny, i was thinking of not going home. n-n-not going home? there's something i want to talk to you about. uh, i've been living alone for a lot of years now, and it's time for a change. mother--mom, don't get me wrong. it's always fun when you come to visit, but you and me living together? relax, johnny, i'm not moving in with you. o.k., but you know you're always welcome. living alone is boring. that's why i need someone around to-- oh. oh, what am i thinking about? tell me. who is he? where did you meet? when are you getting married?
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no. you're not? oh. well...look. i understand. this is the nineties, and if you two want to live together, that's your problem. this isn't about a man. thank god! i don't approve of the nineties. look, darling, i've decided to give up my apartment and move into, uh, blue sky manor. ma, this is a rest home. it's a retirement home. i don't care what it's called. why do you want to move into a place like this? ma, are you sick? no, i'm not sick. i'm old. come on! you're not old! i'm old enough to know myself. now read the brochure. "blue sky manor. located on two beautiful acres outside hackensack." you believe this? there aren't two beautiful acres within 40 miles of hackensack. my apartment's too big to handle with my arthritis.
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i haven't vacuumed in two months. oh, john, john... i wish i were strong enough to continue to live alone, but i'm not. ma, you're really serious about this, aren't you? i've already given up my lease. i'm serious about it, too. you're not moving into a rest home. you're moving in with me. i don't want to! what do you mean? i want to live in a retirement home. really. what do they got that i don't have here? daily maid service. i'll keep the place clean. and they have a lot of activities, like bingo. there's a catholic church right down the street. if you're into mah-jongg, there's a temple. oh, john, i know your intentions are good, but i've thought this over. i know what i'm doing. since you're the administrator of the family trust, i need your signature.
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a form. listen to me and sign it. i sign this, you move into a rest home. later, you'll say, "how can my son do this?" i won't say that. right. because i'm not signing. oh, john, john, sometimes you can be so pigheaded. it runs in the family. oh, sweetheart, i really want to do this. as long as i'm alive, no mother of mine will check into a rest home. we'll be great together. promise. let's get you settled. i want a life, like you have a life. if i had a life,
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when john's mother gets here tonight, she'll feel like one of the gang. there. after seeing how excited john was about his mother's visit,
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she's staying with me for a few days next week! you're a good daughter. john made me realize my mom and i can still have fun together, even though she is getting up in years. how old is your mother? um, on her next birthday, she'll be... oh, my god! she'll be 47! this kid's starting to get on my nerves. hello, everybody. hey, john! hey, john, where's your mother? she's a little too tired to make it tonight. ohh. ohh. john, i talked to my buddy who paints the runways at kennedy. he'll do your place for half of what the other guy quoted you. he can start next week. i'll see if it's o.k. with my mom. what? i'll see if it's o.k. with my mom.
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before you get your apartment painted? good thing you're not remodeling the kitchen. you'd have to hold a family reunion, you know, invite dada and sissy and uncle umpah. kirk, my mother is living with me now. what? your mother's living with you? i thought she was just visiting. well, she was, but it sort of became...permanent. yeah, mothers have a way of doing that. uh-oh. where are you going? to call my mom before she buys her plane ticket. you know what they call a guy your age who lives with his mother? supreme court justice? now, look... say what you want. i happen to enjoy when my mother comes to visit me. every night we play gin rummy for a penny a point. smart, john.
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isn't your place a tad small for the two of you? it's better than letting her live at a... rest home. rest home? is she o.k.? she's fine, so why does she want to live there? she wants to live there? yeah, she wants to, but i won't let her. i can't understand your attitude, john. it sounds as if you're trying to keep her prisoner. louise, she's my mother, and i know what's good for her. now you're starting to get on my nerves! young people think they know what's best for old people. if your mother wants to move into a rest home, you should butt out! mrs. philbert has a point. i won't let happen to my mother what happened to my grandmother. your grandmother? yeah. uh...
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we all called her nana. i was 11 when we took her to a rest home. it was a dark and cold place and smelled like old cardboard. i kissed nana goodbye, and i never saw her again. she died two weeks later. john, it's a shame what happened to your grandmother, but not everyone who moves into a rest home dies two weeks later. i'm not talking about everyone. this is my mother. she's too young to live there. is she, or are you just refusing to admit that she's getting old? what are you saying? well, when you admit that your mother is aging, you're also forced to come face-to-face with your own mortality, and that's not always easy. it certainly isn't. i still find it hard accepting the fact that my mother isn't getting any younger.
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mrs. philbert, your mother is still alive? if she's not, who's cashing those checks i've been sending to that logging camp in spokane? mom? mom? [beeping] mom? oh, my god! whoa! ma, ma, are you o.k.? ma! mom, you all right? oh, my god. mom! mom, are you here? johnny, i smell smoke. oh, great. she smells smoke. ma, you o.k.? what happened?
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oh, my pineapple strudel. oh, it was your favorite. i--i wanted to surprise you. ma, next time, just say boo. after i finished making the strudel, i was pooped. i came in here to rest my eyes. i dozed off. i guess i didn't hear the timer. i'm sorry, john. no, no. it's o.k., it's o.k., as long as you're all right. i'm not all right. i can't even make your favorite pineapple strudel. no. come on. i wish i could do the things i did when i was young. we both have to realize we're getting older. yeah. i'm not the same person i used to be. i found out something six years ago and never told you. what? i'm allergic to pineapple.
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johnny, i think i'm going to like it here. i don't know, ma. look at this-- wire hangers. this isn't in the brochure. yoo-hoo. i'm millie hanson. i live down the hall. you're my new neighbor. yes--no. my mom is. i'm charlotte lacey. this is my son john. hi. hi. i was at the mall. it was so exciting. big sale? better. some of the shops give discounts to senior citizens, and today, well, i got carded. congratulations. listen, charlotte, it's almost dinnertime. let me put this stuff down and i'll introduce you around. that's great. i'll be right back. how are you going to rest with her around?
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admit it. this place is nice. o.k. it's not as bad as i thought. if you don't like it... you can live with me. i appreciate your help. now get going. you have a long drive ahead. now, remember, if you need anything, just call. i don't care if it's late at night. call collect. i don't want you paying for it. don't forget your arthritis medicine. here's my school number. you need change for the laundry. the washers take quarters and don't buy soap because there's those little boxes in the laundry room. i'm coming to visit you saturday. john, go home. yeah. right. yeah. ma, i, uh... i, uh... i love you. i love you, johnny. i still hate this. i know, i know, i know, darling. you'll get used to it.
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charlotte, are you ready? if we're late, all the soft food will be gone. goodbye, johnny. remember, i'll see you saturday. i can't wait. maybe after dinner, we'll play cards. do you play gin rummy? i dabble. a penny a point? make it a nickel and double on a skunk. i can't get over this paint job.
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john. hello? oh, kirk, you got my message. the paint is great. your friend did a professional job. he had the day off at jfk. he'll do the living room next week. and get this, you lucky stiff-- he had paint left over from another job, so he threw it in free. thank him. i can't believe he did it so quickly. john, when you paint runways, you've got to move fast. i owe you, pal. don't worry. i'm keeping count. see you friday. kirk!
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hey, linda. hi, kirk. hey, you missed one heck of a new year's eve party. everybody who is anybody was there. bruce and demi, billy and christie, the governor and mrs. cuomo. i'm sorry i missed it. hey, john. i was telling linda about the celebs i rubbed elbows with on new year's eve. what about you, wild man? what hell-raising were you up to? oh, nothing much. a quiet dinner, a little tv, in bed by 12:00. yes, and it was wonderful. dear john dear john
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i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song
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then at the stroke of midnight, my date steve removed the carrots from his nose, yelled, "happy new year," and fainted in the bean dip. oh, dear. talk about embarrassing. he does that on another date, he's history. ok, sweetheart, it's your loss. that chick's got nerve calling me a liar. well, you did lie. you told her you'd be on sports illustrated's cover. i told her to look for me on the cover. i didn't say she'd find me. you'd get better responses from women if you'd be honest. you're a fine one to talk about honest. you told red you liked her christmas present, then you returned it. you didn't.
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it was a tie. yeah, well-- see the trouble you get into telling falsehoods? if they gave a nobel prize for lying, you'd win. i can tell the truth for longer than you can. how much? what? how much? you want to bet? yeah. i got $20 here that says you'll lie before i do. would you hold this? certainly. there's my 20. i'm good for it. another 20 says you're not. all right. all right! it's a bet. hi, guys! hey, ralphie! ralph! how are you doing? great! fantastic! sounds like someone had a lovely new year's eve. oh, it was terrific. i was with molly, the girl i work with. oh, ralph. you finally asked her out.
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it was the best new year's eve of my life. there she was, three tollbooths away, making change, giving directions, and when the clock struck 12:00... i can't be sure. i'm not totally certain, but i think she blew me a kiss. either that, or she was coughing from the fumes. there's one way to find out. go out and see if you get a hickey or a spot on your lung. she'd never go for a guy like me. oh, ralph, don't be ridiculous. you're a terrific guy. i know, but after next week, i'll probably never see molly again. she's being transferred to the truck lane at the george washington bridge. don't wait to ask her out.
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those truckers are fast.
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