- what's it taste like, gin or vodka? - a little like both, with a touch of lighter fluid thrown in. - so what? the guys over at main side will never know the difference. - this is war. a martini's a martini. - head for the hills, cousin. here come the revenuers. - hey, it's the skip and mr. parker. hide the goodies. quick! - all right, you bunch of gold bricks. what's going on here? you're supposed to be getting the boat ready for morning patrol. - sorry we're running a little late, skip, but we were just giving the hut a little extra clean up. - it could sure use it, boy. this torpedo's filthy. - torpedo? get up out of there. "cloud 9 martini mix, 1 sip and you're flying"? - i made it up. - now, if that isn't one for the books. - you can say that again, skip.
- well, that's it, huh? no more penny ante stuff. you're going big league stuff now. heisting torpedoes. - wait a minute, skip. you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would ya? - skip, where else can we get the alcohol? - now you listen to me, you schlockmeisters! you better start high-tailing it for that boat before i really get mad! now move! - salute. - fuji, come over here. while we're gone, you get rid of that jungle juice. dump it, i don't care where. just dump it. here. - the boys will never believe this after the war. - oh, come on. will you stop it with that diary? - well, skip, i didn't get a chance to date it. - chuck, i said move. - well, what are you standing there for? get the lead out. tote that crate, lift that booze.
we do. what is a torpedo doing in a bunk? hmm, what's that smell? - look, sir, it must be this insecticide. - insecticide? ooh, that's vermouth. - vermouth, sir? - this is beginning to add up. torpedo juice, vermouth. those pirates are making martinis. - sir, maybe we can find some olives, too. - never mind the olives. we're going to turn this off broadway brewery upside down. come on. let's go. - yes, sir. - ow! - oh, sorry, sir, i didn't mean it. - oh, that stupid-- "do not open. this means you." what kind of nonsense is this now? - "the private diary of ensign charles parker, authentic and top secret." no, sir. - hmm. "january 14th, dear diary, "today the guys heisted 6 sets of signal flags
aha. "february first. "dear diary, this afternoon gruber lost the captain's jeep to urulu in a poker game." - sir, all these months you've been making me pay for it. - "march 17th. "dear diary, tonight the guys borrowed officers' uniforms and crashed the dance in the nurses' quarters." hmm, carpenter, do you realize what this means? - oh, it's the discovery of the century, sir. as soon as we get back to the office, i'll get the court- martial papers ready. - no, no, no, no, i've seen mchale wiggle out of too many tight ones. i'm going to take this right to admiral rogers. we'll let him file the charges. ha ha ha. - that's brilliant strategy, sir. what about the torpedo, sir? - oh, darn the torpedoes and full speed ahead to my office safe. - oh, that's cute, sir. - i thought you'd like that. we're going to lock up dear diary until we shove off for comfleet in the morning. - oh, sir.
- what's so terrible? - so, he found his diary. - hold it. hold it. now, chuck, you've been doing a lot of scribbling lately. exactly what did you put in that diary? - well, it's just kind of collection of all the colorful things the guys have done. - you mean the heists? - the rackets? - the dames? - everything? - please, chuck, say that you didn't put everything in that book. - well, that does it. - well, that diary's our death warrant. - firing squad, here we come. - oh, you can say that again. binghamton will throw the book at us. - oh, no, captain lead bottom will not throw the book anywhere. he put in safe until he take to admiral rogers in morning. - admiral rogers. - hold it. hold it. this is no time to push the panic button. what we got to do is to figure out a way to keep that book from getting to comfleet. - there's only one thing to do, skip. we got to crack that strong box tonight. - cracking a safe is no job for an amateur. who's going to crack it?
- carpy's in there, loaded to the teeth. we got to get him out of here before we can move. - that ain't going to be easy, skip. he don't take orders from anyone except old lead bottom. - that's right. well, now, supposing we went over binghamton's head, way over his head. [telephone ringing] - lieutenant carpenter speaking. - hello, taratupa long distance calling. come in washington d.c. come in washington d.c. here he is. - my friend. my friend, this is the president.
- at ease. - thank you, sir. - now, see here, go get captain binghamton and make it snappy or you won't be my friend. - captain binghamton specifically ordered me not to leave here, sir. - now, look, my fellow american. i told you to go get him and snap it up. it's time for fala's walk. - [deep] woof, woof. [high-pitched] woof, woof. - you hear that? she's getting impatient and so am i. now get going. - yes, sir, and i'm sorry about fala, mr. president. anything you say, sir. - you forgot your gun. - thank you, sir. - ok, boys, the fireside chat is over. let's get cracking.
- i don't understand this. why would he want to talk to me? hello, mr. president, this is captain binghamton speaking. before you say anything, sir, i would just like to tell you, mr. president, that it is a great honor, sir, to be talking with you. [dial tone on phone] mr. president? mr. president? mr. president? well, there's nobody on that line, you dunce. - but, sir, he promised he'd hold on. - well, i knew he wouldn't be calling me. i didn't even vote for the man, for heaven's sake. why would he be--aah! aah! - what? - aah, aah, aah, ahh, my diary. my diary's gone, it's been stolen. this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and it's gone right down the bills. do you realize the penalty for abandoning your post in time of war? - but, sir, what else could i do? i was ordered by president roosevelt. - i was ordered by president roosevelt, you ninny you. what do you think cracked this safe? calvin coolidge? - sir, i don't understand it.
- fala barking. the only dog that you heard d s mchale. i can tell you that right now. he and his pirates are responsible for this thing. i'll bet my stripes on that. let's go. - yes, sir. - aah! oh, oh, ow. - get your fingers out of the safe. get back to it. come on. - ow! - my poor diary. - better it should burn than us. - uh-huh. - get ready. here comes binghamton. - stash the bomb fire and listen, don't anybody open his mouth. i'll do all the talking. - ah, good evening, captain. - a lovely day, wasn't it? - don't try the small talk with me, you over-stuffed jimmy valentine. you think you fool me, don't you? - ah, i'm afraid i don't know what you mean, sir. - you don't, huh? you never heard of the great safe robbery, i suppose. - safe robbery? - boy, it's getting so you can't trust anybody nowadays. - knock it off, all of you.
i've got another method. a foolproof method and here's the fool right over here. ensign charles parker. - here, sir. - you're under arrest. - now, wait a minute, captain. are you accusing parker of cracking that safe? - no, no, that takes talent. all i want is parker's testimony on the stand. you are going to tell admiral rogers every poison pen page of your little diary. - oh, that's impossible, sir. i have a very poor memory. i can't remember anything, captain, uh, uh, captain, what was your name? - binghamton, wallace binghamton. oh, now you stop that. you stop all those silly things that you do. now, you listen to me, ensign, if you're getting any ideas of developing amnesia on the stand, you just forget all about it because if you do, that's perjury, and i'll nail you for about 20 years. - now, captain, let's talk this thing over. - mchale, if you've got anything to say, you say it to the chaplain. if you got any ideas about heisting my witness
- elroy. - sir. - hmm, how about that, huh? from now on, parker, wherever you go, then that's where i'll go. and wherever i go, then that's where you'll go. until o700 hours when we shove off for comfleet. now, let's go, mr. houdini, and see you try and get out of this one. come on. come on. come on. get out of there. - no, no. now, now-- what? here. no, no, no, no, no. - wait a minute. wait a minute. - wait a minute. hold it. here. [all talking at once] - here you go. ok. there you go. - come on. i know you're in there! - all right. come on, chuck. come on. - i'll handle this. - yes, yes. - oh, oh! - there you are. there you go, captain. - don't leave me, elroy. - no, sir. - wait a minute, wait a minute. - up, up. come on, chuck. get up.
- oh, good morning, sir. - i don't know what's good about it. i didn't get a wink of sleep all night chained to this whirling dervish. - oh, boy, coffee. - oh! - none for prisoners. - parker, will you sit down over there? [screaming] - oh, my goodness. - oh! oh! parker, will you watch what you're doing? elroy, put that chair back where it belongs. - yes, yes. - get off my arm. - sorry, sir. - stop that! move! - move? i'm sorry, sir. - you can lay down and take a little nap. - lay down and take a little nap. once i get you to comfleet, i'll sleep like a baby. dreaming dreams of you and those cutthroats on the rock pile. - your plane will be ready in about 10 minutes, sir.
- here you are. - let me have it. - good morning, captain. - ohh! - get him another cup of coffee. - right. - stop that, you simpletons. stop that. - mchale. - yes, sir. - this is all your fault. what are you doing over here anyway? - well, let's face it. i'm the one that you're really gunning for, so i'm going to make things easy for you, sir. if you forget the whole thing and let the boys go, i'll plead guilty to all charges, huh? - no deal, mchale, you're through. you and your schlockmeisters are through, all of you. - i've heard of poor losers but a poor winner. - poor losers, huh? i'll-- [screaming] - you hit it. - stop that. - oh, wait now, captain, captain, wait a minute. let us talk this over. - i've had enough of this, you understand? enough, enough, enough. - you've had enough. - we're going to get on that plane for comfleet before you destroy this entire base.
- that's porter island down there. that's the half-way mark. ha ha ha. that's the point of no return for mchale. [giggling] [banging] what's that? that sounds like one of our engines is missing. - fire in the number 2 engine, captain. check your parachute. stand by to jump. - jump? we can't jump. that's an island down there. - you know how funny some people are about having strangers drop in uninvited. - we're putting in the fire extinguishers now. if they don't work, there's no other way. - oh, boy. - there they go. keep your fingers crossed. they're working. the fire's going out, we're saved. - you mean we don't have to jump? yippee! - oh, sit down. - oh, i'm sorry. - aah!
you bumbling crack pot, look what you've done. - why, i can't look at anything, sir, i can't stand high places. oh, i want my mother. - i'd like to get my hands on her myself. - co-pilot to pilot, they're coming down on bora bora. better call taratupa at once. - is that you, captain? - ooh! - who did you expect it to be, madame butterfly? i'll wring your fat little neck for getting me into a mess like this. that's just want i'm going to do as soon as i get out of these handcuffs. where's the key? the key? - want me to bury the chute? - ah, wrap yourself in it first. where is the key? i can't find the key. you know what this means? - yeah, you're going to have to pay for it. that was government property. - why? why would i have to be stuck
- well, frankly, i'm just kind of glad to have company. - i'm going to kill him. first i need to get out of these things. i don't want to go through life dragging a dead body with me. come on. let's go. come on. - will you put this on for me, sir? - "last seen approximately one mile north of enemy airstrip." - of all the lousy breaks. - yeah, the best chance we ever had to give old lead bottom the deep 6, he has to have mr. parker with him. - there is only one way to get mr. parker out of this mess, boys. and that is to go after him. so, come on, you bunch of apes, let's get the lead out. we're going to bora bora. let's go. [speaking japanese]
there ought to be a hacksaw in that thing. come on. - that's kind of risky, sir. ah-ah-ah-ah-choo! - what's the matter with you? before i'd spend another night on this chain gang with you, i'd risk storming tokyo bay bare-handed. if we ever get out of this, you see a doctor. - i'll stand guard out here. did you find anything? - yes, i found a nitwit at the end of my left arm.
how are we going to get out of this? - we better get out of here. - get away from that. you're not going to pull that stunt again. [men speaking japanese] - don't you lay a hand on me. i'm a captain. - and don't lay a finger on me. i'm an innocent. [all talking at once] - well, we got rid of him. - we got rid of him? he was the pilot. what are we going to do now? - well, it's very simple. we just have to fly the thing ourselves. - you don't know what a load that takes off my mind, boy. i didn't know you knew how to fly one of these things. - well, i don't. i was hoping you did. - i can help you a little bit but...
- never mind the box. - [whistles] look at all the dials. - what--what do we do first? - well, there's no harness, i guess you better fasten your seatbelt first. - get your hands off of me. ohh! - ohh! - the whole wheel is broke. maybe--do you want me to turn this on? - what is it? - i think it's a heater. - we don't need a heater. who needs a heater at a time like this? - hey, skip. - huh? - radar blip shows enemy aircraft approaching from the north. - north. - there he is coming in at 11:00. - red alert. battle stations.
- parker, i swear if we don't get out of this alive, i'm going to kill you. - whoa! - holy mackerel. - it looks like that nip has really been nipping. - hey, it looks like he's flying on pure sake. - holy. - [indistinct] you are without a doubt... what button did you push now? - oh, i didn't push anything. that's a boat down there firing at us. hey, it's one of ours. it's the 73. - mchale's trying to kill us. they got one of our engines. - must have been virg. he's a great shot. at a boy, virg, bull's eye. - bull's eye.
what's the matter with you? if i could just get my hands on that mchale. - skip, i picked up the nip plane on the radio. - virgil, hold your fire. - you'll never get away with this, mchale. my widow will track you down to the ends of the earth. - willy, hand me that mic and cut me in fast. ok. captain binghamton, chuck, we're right below you. your point engine is on fire. you're going to have to bail out. - but, skip, we only got one chute, see? - give that to me. this time you can hitch a ride. - i think i'm getting on to it now though. - never mind. give me that and let's get out of here. - chuck, for the last time jump before that plane blows up. - hey, look. - they made it. yee-haw! - christy, christy, stand by, and we'll pick them up on the fly. - don't be afraid, captain.
- ok, christy. head the old boat back to taratupa. - deny that order. this stool pigeon still has a song to sing for admiral rogers. - well, not today, sir. you see, we just received radio word that admiral rogers is going on an inspection tour. and he won't be back for at least 3 weeks. - 3 weeks. - uh-huh. - 3 whole weeks chained to this baboon? - oh, well, now, it won't be so bad, sir, after all, you know, tinker, with a little bit of incentive like forgetting all about that diary, we might be able to cut you loose. - well, it's entirely up to you, sir, but personally i think it's kicks. - kicks. i'll give you kicks. - oh, cut, cut, cut. - ok, christy, take her home! captioning me possible by nbc universal
well, we're home. [men cheering] - oh, listen. that was nice going, mr. parker. boy, is the skip going to be proud of you when he gets back from com-fleet. - well, i wouldn't be too sure about that. wait till he finds out that we stopped off at new caledonia. [whistles] - you did it for a worthy cause, sir-- so that virgil here could stop off and visit an old sick friend. - yeah. well, i saw that old sick friend. she didn't look old or sick to me. - yeah. well, like i said, mr. parker, it was a fast recovery. right, boys? - sure. poor babette was saved by tender loving care. - yeah. virgil's kisses are like penicillin. [men laughing] - yeah. well, i still say i'm not tough enough on you guys. all right, now let's unload these crates, and let's move! that's an order! let's move! - anything you say, sir. why don't you get that one? - oh. yeah. i still say we could be in big trouble, boy, if the skip finds out. - hello, everybody. - maybe you could help me with this end... miss! - oh, no! she stowed away! - babette, what are you doing here?
- well, now, wait a minute. attention! at ease! as you--cease, vous! boy, does she like penicillin. - oh, no! here comes the skipper! boy, are we in trouble. - quick, get back in the box. and that's an order! - bye-bye for now, cheri. - oh, boy. all right, you guys. get busy. act as though nothing's happened. look nonchalant. - hiya, boys. how's it going?
- well, chuck, how'd it go? - oh, fine. fine, skip. everything shapeship. i mean sheepship. sheepshod. everything is... - did she give you any trouble? [banging] - she? she? what she? - the pt-73. - oh. oh, that she. oh, no. everything's just fine, skip. we were-- oh, bad case of hiccups today. [whistles] it's hereditary, like baldness. my mother had it. i mean the hiccups. my sister was bald. i mean my father. my father was bald. [female laughter] - that was me, skip. i find mr. parker so amusing. - well, i'm not buying it, boys. come on, chuck. what's in the crate?
i mean anything's in the crate? - come on. come on. come on. get up here. not there! here! - bonjour, monsieur skip! - ha ha ha! - ha ha ha. and those silly boys said you were so ferocious. - oh? ha ha ha! - hey, skip, then you're not mad we got a girl stowaway? - ha ha ha! me mad? ha ha ha! i could have busted every one of you down to a private seaman, you bunch of fouled-up eightballs! - now, wait a minute, skip. - yeah, skip. let us explain. - we had nothing to do with her stowing away. - tell him, babette. - he is right. it was my idea. but i thought it would be fun to be here with virgil and the boys. - fun? do you all realize what would happen
- we're soon going to find out, skip. here he comes now. - jumping torpedoes! virge, get her out of here, fast. - but, monsieur-- - move! and keep her quiet. and get out of here. the rest of you guys, look alive. and if you know any prayers, say them. - now i lay me down to sleep-- - oh, get up out of there. - so, sir, you really think that if the deal with that frenchman bergerac goes through, it could mean a promotion for you? - of course. if the navy can buy molony island from him, we can use it as an additional supply depot, double our capacity, and the whole thing was my idea. - oh, you are brilliant, sir. in fact, i would say you are one of the most brilliant, most intelligent, most outstanding officers that i have ever-- - stop buttering me up. i'm on a low-fat diet. - attention! welcome aboard, captain. - thank you, commander. - sir. - well, parker. i am here on behalf of the united states navy, parker,
- well, my pleasure, sir. - mchale. - yes, sir? - always good to see you, mchale. - oh? - how are things at com-fleet, mchale? any word on the bergerac deal? - oh, not a thing, sir. oh, he's a pretty hard man to deal with, that bergerac. [babette laughs and virgil shouts] - what was that noise below? - uh, uh, well... - wait a minute, sir. it's a rat, a big, ugly one with beady eyes. - that's right, sir. yes, sir. ha ha. he's a giant, sir. we just can't seem to get rid of him. mr. parker, go down there and give virgil a hand. on the double! - right, skip. you can count on me. - that man is a menace! i'd sooner face the rats than a person like that with... this boat is a disgrace. carpenter, make a note. have this boat fumigated. - yes, sir. - better still, have it condemned. let's get out of here. - well, now don't worry about the rats, sir.
you barnacle-brained... chowderheads! do you realize what you've all done? huh? if binghamton ever sees this girl and finds out that you guys stopped off at new caledonia without orders... ha ha! - well, it was all my fault, skip. i was in command. i'm going to turn in my bars. any of you guys seen my bars? - sacre bleu, monsieur skip! why do you worry so? nobody knows babette is here. i not even tell papa. - papa? oh, well, that's just dandy. wait till he finds out! oh, boy! - oh, you worry about everything. let's have fun. virgil promised me a ride on the pt boat. he said babette can steer. - oh, now wait. i never promised, skip. - quiet! and let go of that girl. come here, young lady. now, it's all because of you that we're all in big trouble! - there will be no trouble. my papa is a very important man. all the big admirals know charles bergerac.
if binghamton ever sees... bergerac? your father is the big plantation owner that's negotiating with admiral rogers? - oui. he's the one. so, you see, we have nothing to worry about. - ha ha ha. yeah. we got nothing to worry about. ha ha ha. except whether we want to be shot or hung! what a mess! - yeah. we'll never get out of this. - mom said i should have been a draft dodger. - oh, quiet. will you? let me think. you say your father doesn't know that you're missing? - no. he's away at a meeting with the admiral. so let's have fun. let's go for a ride in the pt boat. - oh, you're going to go for a ride, all right, young lady, right back to new caledonia. ha ha. as soon as i figure out a way to get us there. doggone it. doggone it. i got it. i got it. we'll fake it so that the pt-73 has to put in at dry dock for repairs.
- wait a minute, now, sweetie. we'll even let you steer the pt boat, right, skip? - why, sure, we'll let you steer. while we're out at sea, we'll even let you fire a couple of torpedoes. - oh. ha ha ha! - virgil, you keep your eye on miss bergerac here. the rest of you, come on, boys. we got work to do. virgil keep his eye on... what am i saying? chuck, you keep your eye on the mademoiselle. virgil, i'll keep my eye on you. come on, boys. come on. we've got to make a lot of noise and smoke. - all right. now, you heard the skip. he left me in charge. so i'm your commanding officer. - oh, you will have no trouble from me, monsieur commanding officer. - yeah. - stowaway babette bergerac reporting for action. - for action. well, i suppose we ought to clean up the place a little bit. we can start with some of... um...yeah. skip! hold on.
- ahoy, carpenter. give us a hand, will you? - mchale, what's wrong? - everything's wrong. we've got to go to new caledonia for immediate repairs. where's captain binghamton? - you missed him by 10 minutes. he just left for your island. - our island?! tinker, forget everything! get us out of here! - oh, monsieur commanding officer, do not run away. i am awaiting your orders. - i order you to stop chasing me. - ooh... a machine gun. come on, cheri. let's play "air raid." - now, wait a minute. you can't-- [machine gun firing]
- sounds like machine-gun fire, sir. it's coming from mchale's island. hit the deck, sir. [machine gun firing] - hey, what in the blazes is all that shooting? - no! - it's all clear, sir... i hope. - we've been hit. i'll get you for this, mchale! trying to kill your commanding officer! when i get through with you, you're all going to be hanging from a yardarm! - oh, no. you almost killed captain binghamton! boy, we'd better hide! - do not be afraid, monsieur. i will protect you. - when he sees me here, you're going to see a new kind of punishment--hanging in front of a firing squad. come on. let's get out of here. - let me help you down, captain.
all right, mchale, so you didn't try and shoot me, but somebody on this island did. now, which one of your cutthroat crew is missing? - no one, sir. - well, now we'll see about that. all right, you men, fall in, on the double. - all right. fall in. here we go. fall in right there. [binghamton sneezes] easy does it, captain. - let's see if we're all here. - gruber? - here, sir. - he's here. uh...edwards? - here, sir. - edwards is here. haines? - here, sir. - who else? christopher. - here, sir. - and mr. bell. - yes, sir. - he's here. moss? - here, sir. - mchale. - who? - mchale. - mchale. i know you're here. what's the matter-- parker? here, sir. seems like you're all here. i guess i--where... parker, i'll give you to the count of 3 to get out of that can. 1, 2... - hello, mon capitan.
you're no ensign. get over here, mchale. what are you running here now, a folies bergere? - well... - well, now i can explain, sir. it's all my fault. - you'll have plenty of time to explain at your court-martial. i've really got you this time, mchale-- trying to murder your commanding officer, smuggling french girls onto an american naval base. all right, mademoiselle, you will accompany me. get her out of there. - virgil! - captain, you'd better be careful of the way you treat her because she's the daughter of charles bergerac. he's a very important man to the u.s. navy. - i don't care if he plays ping-pong with bull howze. i want--bergerac? charles armand bergerac? - oui. he is the one. - you've had to go and kidnap the daughter of bergerac? you utter, complete numskull! - but now wait a minute, captain. nobody kidnapped anybody! - that is right. i just stowed away on their boat when they stopped at new caledonia.
oh, that really does it. you and your playboys are under arrest and confined to this island. mchale, you will accompany miss bergerac and myself back to taratupa, where your assistance is going to be invaluable in making out the court-martial papers. - yes, sir. you're all heart, sir. - virgil, are you going to let this little pipsqueak take me away from you? show him your muscles. - babette, take it easy. - let's go, mchale. after you, miss bergerac. ooh! spirited, isn't she? - uh, yes, sir. yeah. - oh, are we in a spot. - this is the worst yet.
let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara.
- get up. get up. - there he is. - i'm glad we found him. - what's going on? - let's get the chin piece on first. - come on. get it on straight. - there. how does he look? - great. - terrific. - now, say something in french. go on. we'll explain in a minute. - comment allez-vous? - great! what does it mean? - well, you know the french. it means "let's go out in the alley and pitch a little woo." - oh, i get it. you guys are trying to smuggle me out of the navy. well, forget it. i'll stick around and take my punishment with the rest of you. - no. if this idea works, nobody will be punished... monsieur bergerac. - monsieur who? - captain, don't you think you're being carried away with this whole thing? - yes, i'm being carried away. as a matter of fact, i'm flying. this is the happiest day of my life. - i am not going back to papa! you cannot make me! i am staying here with my virgil! - that voice. that is the voice of my child.
ah, ma petite. my little daughter. - what's going on here? who are you? who? who? who? who? who? - is there an owl in here? - i don't think so. - oh, good. i hate owls. ah, my little enfante. comment allez-vous? - it is so good to see you, papa. - papa? you mean, he's your papa? this is monsieur bergerac? - would i be kissing her like this if i was a stranger? - how did you get here, sir? - how did i get here? how dare you question the authority of monsieur charles armand bergerac! straighten up! oh... - i wouldn't antagonize him, sir. monsieur bergerac is known to have an explosive temper. - [stammers] i apologize, sir. you see, i'm captain binghamton. i'm the commanding officer. - commanding officer? you call yourself a commanding officer? stealing my child aboard the boat,
- no, no, no, you don't-- you've got it all wrong. i wasn't planning-- - for shame! an ugly old man like you trying to trap a beautiful little girl like this in marriage. - marriage? i'm already married. i wouldn't-- - already married? you pig! you have brought dishonor to the french honor! i challenge you to the duel! - the duel? - it's your decision, captain, but i think you ought to know in advance, monsieur bergerac is the finest swordsman in france. - en garde! touche! viva la france! - give it to him, papa. - oy! - papa! - monsieur bergerac, you are no gentleman, sir! - tell him, carpenter. - yes, sir. it is perfectly obvious that captain binghamton is not trained to duel with swords. - thank you, carpenter. - you're welcome, sir. i suggest pistols at 10 paces. - yeah-- what's the matter with you? sorry. please. please. sir, you've got this all wrong. i'm not responsible. but i have the men that did abduct your daughter. i have them, and i give you my word
they will be punished at their court martial. if you'll step right this way, sir, i have the papers. these are the papers for the court martial. - papers? i have this for your papers! there will be no court martial! nobody will know this! i will not have scandal tarnish the name of bergerac! - but, sir... - "but, sir." you pig of a cat! i take my daughter immediately and leave. you have kind face. do you have a boat that could take us to new caledonia? - oh, yes, sir. oh, but i can't do a thing without permission, sir. - you think that he has a kind... now, look here, mr. bergerac-- - en garde, you swine! - go, go! you have my permission! au revoir, already. au revoir. - come, crepes suzette. we go on the boat. - oui, mon papa. - but, sir. sir, just a minute, please. sir, don't forget about the island deal. - oh, the island. - uh...monsieur, i was hoping, sir... i was wondering, could we close the deal for your island? - you talk business at a family reunion? not a word of this to anybody.
i'm back. - all right. here we go, monsieur. monsieur. mr. bergerac, come. - oh, monsieur chuck, you were so funny. - you make your papa so happy. - come on. come on. this is no time for a pta meeting. let's get out of here. - of all the foul, miserable luck. - i tried to be of help, sir. - "i tried to be of help, sir." pistols at 10 paces. don't you dare scream! i'm telling you, carpenter, i... straighten up! here comes an admiral! it's admiral rogers. wipe those tears out of your eyes. ah... - captain binghamton, we have good news. we've just closed the deal for our new supply base. and i'd like you to meet the man to whom we're all indebted-- monsieur charles armand bergerac. - bergerac? - how do you do, monsieur? - ah! guards! guards! guards, come in here! arrest this man! all right, fatso! what's your game? - binghamton, have you gone mad?
this man's an imposter. he doesn't even have a beard. - this is an outrage! - hey, just a minute, lard belly! - ah, good work, carpenter. you got him? all right, frenchy. now you'd better talk. the real bergerac was just here with his daughter. - my babette? she was here? impossible! - don't you try namedropping with me. come here, you spy! - take your hands off of that man! that is an order! - but, admiral, you don't understand. this man is not bergerac. i know the real bergerac. - so do i, and this is the real bergerac. he's just sold us the island of molony! - oh, no, i did not. the deal is off, if this is the way your navy conducts itself. - oh, just one moment. - admiral, if this is the real bergerac, then who was just... with the... he had a... and he had a...with the... oh, mchale has done it to me again. i... - i will take care of mchale! where is the 73? - it's at the dock, sir. i saw it arrive just a few minutes ago. yes, sir.
this scoundrel who disgraces the name of bergerac. - oh, binghamton, this is the last stupid mistake you will ever make under my command! - you had to twist his arm and call him lard belly! this is the last stupid mistake you will make under my command! - oh, you were wonderful, papa. ha ha ha! - hey, hey, that's my girl. - all right, come on. you can battle it out on the boat. let's get going. - oh, now i am going to drive the boat! - yeah, yeah, yeah. - hold it, you men. stay where you are. - papa! - that's your papa? oh, brother, we've got to do something. chuck, chuck, get on the boat and get out of that outfit. come on. you go with him, babette. - oh, but skip, she can't if i'm going to change. i mean-- - move, ll you? come on. get going. all right, come on, you guys. fall in. ah, admiral rogers. what a pleasure, sir. captain binghamton, and monsieur bergerac, i presume. - all right, mchale. who is the phony frenchman,
now i want to hear it, and i want to hear it fast. - i'm in command here, binghamton. you shut up. - yes, sir. you hear that, carpenter? shut up. - well, admiral, to begin with, we do have monsieur bergerac's daughter on our boat. she was a stowaway. - stowaway? my daughter? never. you are lying. my babette is a quiet, shy little flower. - oh. well, if i may say so, sir, the little flower is beginning to bloom. you can see for yourself. babette! babette, come on up! - allo, papa! - she is my daughter. babette, you come down from there this instant! - no, not until i get the pt boat ride my virgil promised. - you are defiant to your papa? your papa orders you to come down from that boat immediatement! - mais non! first i go for the ride. - don't touch that! - that's the phony frenchman. it's parker.
- bring back that b-- - bring back that boat! you heard the captain! - hey, chuck! - you naughty girl. let go of that wheel. - oh, monsieur, you are not fair. you're having all the fun. let me steer. - i was here first. let go of that wheel. as an officer of the united states navy and your former papa, i order you. - all right. we take turns. you steer, and i press the buttons. - right. oh, no! no! those buttons release the torpedoes! - oh, you are right. it was a torpedo. - hey! hey, hit the deck! here comes a torpedo! hit the deck! no, chuck! go reverse! hard a-port! anything!
- stop him! - stop that boat! that's an order! - oh, boy. now you've gone and done it. wait till they get ahold of us. hey, you g--hey, get that dock out of the way! [crash] ensign parker reporting for court martial. - neuf, dix! and one for the torpedo! - oh! - teach you to obey your papa. now don't move from this spot.
- i'm terribly sorry for what happened, sir. - it is i who owe you the apology for the actions of my irresponsible daughter. if there is any way i can repay you... - well, there is that little matter of the island, sir. - ah, yes, of course. needless to say, admiral, the island is yours. - well, did you hear that, admiral? we've got our new supply base. i would imagine that would mean a promotion for some lucky captain. - after what happened, binghamton, i should imagine you'll be promoted down to ensign. - ensign? - if you'll come along with me, sir, i'll fly you and your daughter home in my personal plane. - bye-bye, sir. - hey, how about that? you and me both ensigns. - mchale, this is the day i kill him. - all right, whoa! whoa! temper! temper! captain, temper! llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course