tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 11, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST
"you're not spiking the president's punch, are ya?" [ laughter ] and he says, "no, sir. i'm not." so, you know, this guy was a riot. so-- >> no sense of humor. >> oh. you know. so, uh-- so he says, "now, the president has this great idea." you know. he says, "you know, about three weeks ago, the president pulled some tourists out of line and introduced them to the puppies." it was some people from maine who were just visiting. so he said, "the president has this great idea. he'll pull-- he'll just come up and say he pulled you out of the line. pulled out some average, normal american citizen out of line just to see what they have to say about the presidency. and it'll be a surprise to everyone." i said, "this is how he found dan quail, isn't it?" [ laughter ] he says-- so-- [ applause ] now this is absolutely all true. this is all true. i actually said this. and, you know, i was jotting everything down as i was saying it, 'cause i figured, "hey, maybe i can make
so-- no, this is unbelievable. so he says, "can you come right back to the white house?" so now we get in the cab and go back to the white house. it's two in the afternoon and i'm nervous. and then i start to think, "wait a minute. we own the white house." i mean, it's-- it's basically a rental. the president comes in. he uses it for like, you know, four years, can't change it that much, and then has to give it back. it's a rental. >> right. >> that's-- nixon actually didn't get his cleaning deposit back. [ laughter ] because they said he didn't give them 30 days notice. >> true. [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> that's good. >> so now-- [ laughs ] >> i'll wait for you. >> thank you. >> you're welcome. >> thanks for not interrupting, by the way. >> you got it. >> i really appreciate it. >> oh, no. >> so this is no different than when i tell my friends this story and they just sit there and then, uh, pretty much i never hear from them again. [ laughter ] so-so i appreciate it a lot. so listen to this, johnny. we go to the white house. >> yeah. >> which is-- by the way, don't get me wrong. it's not as nice as your place. [ laughter ]
>> so we go and now we go upstairs into the white house. >> the private residence? >> the private residence of the white house, which-- which is mind-blowing. and the president's sitting in his den. he says, "come on in. come on in." and, umm, we spend about an hour and a half discussing jokes. [ laughs ] maybe it's only me that's frightened that he has nothing better to do than discuss jokes with me. [ laughter ] and he's-- you know, he is literally the warmest, most down-to-earth guy. and it was like-- [ applause ] seriously, he's like this terrific guy. he is. i'm not like kissing up 'cause i know he's watching or anything. so he's-- he was the sweetest guy and not-- very down-to-earth. there was no tension. there was-- you know. and, umm-- and, uh, we discussed jokes. and, uh-- and, umm, he said, "let me show you around." took me into his-- uh, i think it was
the original gettysburg address signed by lincoln there. and he said, "look at this. you know, there's lots of stuff like this around here." [ laughter ] so i said-- [ laughs ] so he showed us around. it was great. i did the show. he introduced me as this average, normal guy and, uh, surprised all the press corps. he said, "you gotta keep this a secret." did like five minutes of material. and, uh, i was really-- uh, it went-- the show went great. and, uh, i couldn't go to sleep that night. i was so, uh, excited. and, uh, went to sleep probably at three in the morning. and i put a "do not disturb" on my phone at the hotel so that in the morning. and at seven o' clock the phone rings. [ laughs ] and i'm ready to, you know, ream out the telephone operator, 'cause i'm sleeping. and i go, "hello." and she goes, "it's the president calling." [ laughter ] >> true? >> absolutely true. i said, "well, i'm sleeping!" [ laughter ] "tell him to call gorbachev it's only one o' clock in the morning in russia.
out of waking him up." and he said, "thanks." and, uh, it was just this unbelievable experience. i was wired for like two more-- the next day, i went and did a show at the space museum. at the-- they didn't even ask me. i just went over there. [ laughter ] >> you were riding high. that's a great story. [ applause ] >> yeah, it was really exciting. >> good story. >> so i-- you know, i just-- i learned a lesson. i just gotta get out of the house more. >> oh, yeah. >> that's a great one.
[ applause ] >> yeah. >> well, i, uh-- >> you know, i can't believe they're still howling for me. >> that's right. your stuff was so good. well, i suppose you've been hanging out with the president >> no. >> no. >> actually, i haven't had the opportunity, but, uh, i was busy. i was shooting. [ laughter ] >> your bowling night. you couldn't go. good to see you again. we'll get to your picture in a while. you mentioned, i think, when you were here one time, as a kid you were a movie buff. really, i mean, you grew up watching movies and picked out-- who were-- who were the people that you-- >> uh. >> always go to see? >> i guess, uh, bogart. spencer tracy. uh, katherine hepburn. gene kelly. >> that's not a bad-- a bad list. >> i think, umm-- oh, errol flynn. but i think, 'cause i've-- i've always loved
stuff and i think, uh, tarzan was my biggest. i watched him every week-- >> which tarzan, though? there were a couple of tarzans. uh, you don't go back to-- >> johnny weissmuller. he's the only tarzan forever. >> freddy goes back to the original tarzan, elmo lincoln. [ laughter ] i'm serious. i'm-- >> beautiful body. >> elmo lincoln was the original tarzan. did you know that? >> no, that-- >> but that goes way back to silent films. >> my grandmother was supposed to have done some high-diving in those movies, you know. >> you're kidding? >> yeah, but when i figured out why she looked so ugly, i figured that's when i quit high-diving. >> yeah. >> her sinus cavities caved in from high-diving for so long. >> i didn't know that. [ laughter ] and i think that's the first time on this show that, to my knowledge-- that anybody's, uh-- has told a story about their sinus cavities, uh, caving in from high diving. but you learn something every week. did you emulate-- did you do impressions of kids-- of bogart and those kinds of people in front of the mirror? >> mostly tarzan. i mean, i'd-- you'd do the-- the light the match with the hat thing, umm, with bogart. but, uh, most-- i-- >> did you do the tarzan-- carol burnett used to do,
the tarzan yell. >> umm-hmm. >> did you do that? >> i used to, but, umm-- >> well, let's, uh-- >> [ laughs ] no! no! [ cheering ] >> come on. >> [ yelling ] >> that's not bad. hey, what are you talking about? [ applause ] folks, we're-- >> no, but johnny-- >> we're talking show business, folks. that's not bad. >> johnny weissmuller was like-- he was like really up there. like somebody was swinging on his rope. >> yeah, i don't-- [ laughter ] i-i don't know if johnny weissmuller actually did that yell. freddy? i'm serious. >> really? >> did weissmuller actually do that yell or was that-- >> yes, he did, sir. >> i didn't know that. >> i knew that. >> well, see, you knew that. >> no, but my little brother and i used to, uh, play tar-- when we'd get to stay home from school and act like we were sick, we'd play tarzan on the-- 'cause we had ropes, you know, in the woods and stuff. >> you'd swing on the vines? >> we'd swing and, uh-- and, uh, one day i got a little cocky. i was on a second-story roof and i dove off to grab this branch and missed. but we were in these white--
[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] somebody told me you used to write songs. >> i still do. >> you still do? >> i did one in "dirty dancing." i've got two songs in "road house" and one in "next of kin." >> i didn't know that. >> yeah. >> are you-- are you-- >> still writing. >> are they-- do you make money at it? i mean, as a songwriter? >> well, i did on "she's like the wind." whoa! [ cheering ] >> yeah. what are some of the earliest ones that you wrote that didn't make it? >> well, i wrote songs about brenda and susie and carol-- [ laughs ] >> yup. >> uh-uh, i wrote one called
[ laughter ] it was-- >> that's a proper last name. f-a-r-t-z. june fartz. i knew her. i knew her well. >> it was cute. it went-- it went "just a-sittin' here a-sippin' at my beer cuttin' them sweet june farts well it's one of those kind when the sun don't shine seems to spread the clouds apart when you--" [ laughter ] i better shut up. yeah. i'm out of here. >> i'm only sorry irving berlin is not watching tonight. right now. that was, uh-- was that published, uh--? >> no, no, no. uh, that was buried. >> yeah. >> i can't believe i remembered it. >> now "road house" is out. but it's physical. it's an action picture, right? >> yeah. >> you play a bouncer or you teach new-- instruct new bouncers in this place? >> yeah. i get their bouncer system together and, uh, i wind up coming in-- it's exactly like
i get-- i come to town to just do my job in this one bar with chicken wire around the stage. and i grew up with that stuff, you know? >> did ya? were ya ever a bouncer at all when you were young? >> no. i had a-- i had my share of-of-- >> fights? >> yeah. 'cause, you know, i was gonna bring some pictures tonight, but lisa, uh, thought better of it. [ laughs ] >> why's that? >> there's this one picture i was gonna-- 'cause like i was gonna bring something different. and, uh, there's this picture of me in a loincloth with leaves all over it, you know. >> the, uh-- >> no. not with the-- >> red satin one? >> oh, with the red satin. no. >> uh, with leaves. >> mmm. >> and, uh-- [ laughs ] umm-- >> is it a picture we couldn't show for a family-oriented show like ours? >> well, it woulda made sense why i got beat up so much when i was little. >> oh, i see. so did you ever get in a bar fight? >> yeah. i never picked a fight, 'cause, uh, my mother and father taught me that, if i ever pick a fight, that, uh, i'm in big time trouble. but if i ever-- ever didn't finish one,
>> yeah. >> and, uh-- >> are you good at it? i mean, if you had to-- >> i wouldn't say that, 'cause there are a lot of people better. you know? i mean, you don't say you're good-- i had a lot of trouble. >> what happens to you when you go out now? you do pic-- you've got the image now. i imagine if you go out, you're always gonna get some guy who's got a couple of beakers of, uh, stuff and-- >> well, number one, i don't go out anymore like that. but, you know, when i'm starting out-- to get my career going, i did "tough guys". >> yeah. >> and that caused me lots of problems and guys, you know-- "mr. movie star." you know? and, uh-uh-- and then, uh, after "north and south," you know, a romantic character that men and women apparently identified with, uh-uh, i didn't have so much trouble. but, uh-- uh, also i don't believe in traveling bodyguards-- >> no. >> 'cause i think they-they-they attract trouble and-- >> i think you're right. >> i traveled with my dog. a 120-pound rhodesian ridgeback. >> that'll do it. that'll do it. [ laughter ] >> but it's great. it's great because, you know, the first reaction is people go, "oh, look. doggy." and, uh-- >> hundred-and-twenty pound dog. >> and immediately they're coming up and being nice. you know, nice to meet ya. but there's this one--
this one character. so, you know, i was hanging out in some sleazy places. and this one place i was hanging out at, uh-- 'cause i believe animals are very, very smart and can sense you. because i-i gave him no signal and i didn't train him to do this, but, umm, he was laying at my feet in this bar that i was researching in. [ laughs ] researching. and, uh-- [ laughter ] umm-umm, so this guy start coming up, and i could sense him like 50 feet away coming up that he-- he was up to no good. >> right. >> and, uh-- umm, so he came up and said, "what are you doing in the bar with a dog, mr. movie star?" and started this whole thing. and, uh-- and so i just said, "just hangin', you know." he said, "i'm gonna pet your dog." and cody-- i've-i've never seen him do this. he just went-- [hisses] and just-- the guy went, "hey! okay! yeah!" >> yeah. good to see ya. >> and, uh, so he went on, you know, talking and running off at the mouth for a little while and, uh-- umm. so-- >> should be what i said. from now on, let's get a dog when we go out. hey, we got a-- we got a film clip. we better get to it, right? >> okay. >> so we don't get too far behind? does this need a set up?
>> uh, yeah. it's an emergency room. i've just been messed up in, uh-- in, uh, doing my job and, uh, there's this-- >> okay. >> the hottest looking doctor i've ever seen sewing me up. >> watch the monitor. from "road house." >> you're a bouncer. >> umm-hmm. double deuce. >> this place. they send a lot of business my way. >> i'm hoping to change that. >> all by yourself? well, mr. dalton, you may add nine staples to your dossier of thirty-one broken bones, two bullet wounds, nine punctures wounds, and four stainless steel screws. that's an estimate, of course. i'll give you a local. >> no, thank you. >> do you enjoy pain? >> pain don't hurt. >> most of my patients
okay. do you always carry your medical records around with you? >> saves time. >> your files says you've got a degree from nyu. what in? >> philosophy. >> any particular discipline? >> no, not really. um, man's search for faith. that sort of thing. >> come up with any answers? >> not too many. >> how's a guy like you end up a bouncer? >> just lucky, i guess. [ applause ] >> yeah, that's an action picture, all right. [ cheering ] good scene. >> thank you. >> we'll take a break. we'll be right back.
>> i'm humbled by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, o come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
janet, do you dream a lot? uh... it depends on what i've had for dinner. do you dream dirty? is john denver dirty? no! then i'm clean. why? it's this book i'm reading. look beyond your dreams? it's got me so scared, i'm afraid to go to sleep. according to this book i must be a depraved sex fiend. why? what have you been dreaming about? well, the other night, i dreamed i was back in school and i went to the prom wearing blue shoes. so? what's wrong with that? no dress! oh! it doesn't matter what i dream about.
no kidding! geez, they never turned me on. listen, chrissy, i would not worry. dreams can mean whatever you want them to. well, what about last night? i dreamed i was walking down this leafy lane eating a blueberry muffin and suddenly, there was this white unicorn with a tulip in its teeth. a unicorn? well, that doesn't mean... well, look it up. look under "unicorn." okay. "the unicorn is the classic symbol..." whoa! see? yeah, this is better than john denver. hi. did you have a good ride? no, not really. i couldn't get my mind off this strange dream i had last night. what strange dream?! well, i was riding this big white unicorn. you're kidding! did it have a tulip in its teeth? i don't know. i only read the part you underlined.
i'm fine, i'm fine. did i get any calls while i was out? nope. oh, good. i was hoping no girls would call me. i was hoping i wouldn't get any calls at all. that's good, 'cause you didn't. terrific! i don't want to go out. just because it's saturday why do people feel they have to go out? you girls got dates for tonight? no. oh, good. what do you mean "good"? it's good we can be together. i'm looking forward to spending an evening with my two best friends. oh, jack. we'll have dinner, then we can talk. maybe play a little scrabble. we could watch tv. we'll have a great time. ( phone ringing ) no, it's for me! mine! mine! hey, baby, i've got this great new j.t. album and if you've got a turntable, maybe we can get it on. oh, hello, steve. ha ha-ha-ha. oh, boy, what are you going to do?
hey, no problem. yeah. all right, don't worry about it. see you. bye-bye. that was steve from the regal beagle. his car's broken down on the way back from san diego and he wants me to tend bar for him. oh, hey, what about our talk? what about our scrabble? and most of all, what about our dinner? oh, hey, i can't let the two of you go hungry. you'll take care of dinner for us before you go to the pub? sure, i'll leave the recipe for you in the kitchen. okay, say it. say it, helen. come on, say i never take you anyplace. you never take me anyplace. you're going to be sorry you said that. come on, we're going out.
i'm wearing makeup. oh, good, good. hey, wait a minute! where are we going? to the movies! oh, hey, terrific! to the movies! what are we going to see? the frankenstein festival. frankenstein? yeah, it's all on one program. the bride of frankenstein, the ghost of frankenstein and frankenstein meets the wolf man. no, thanks. you go. they're your kind of people. you don't want to see frankenstein and the wolf man? well, can't we see something more romantic? no. why not? because i don't have free passes for something romantic. you don't have anything for something romantic. no? well, listen, helen, before we got married
and plenty of them still are. the only women interested in you are tenants with backed up toilets. are you saying women are only interested in me for my plumbing? forget it, stanley. i'm not going to forget it 'cause frankly, helen, you don't appreciate what you got in me. have you been drinking? and a lot of women would be after me if it wasn't for this wedding ring. you have been drinking. no, but maybe i should be. where you going now? to the regal beagle. without a free pass? "without a free pass?" i'll show you. i dare you to stay home and say that. here you go, ladies. two daiquiris.
yuck! what's the matter, too much tequila? you're not supposed to put tequila in a daiquiri. oh. well, then, it's definitely too much tequila. i'm sorry, joan. i haven't got steve's touch. i'm afraid you're going to miss him. yeah, especially since i was supposed to have a date with him tonight. hey! what are you doing tonight? me? oh, you got to be kidding. i couldn't date steve's girl. he's a very close friend of mine. he's also very big and very strong. no, steve wouldn't mind, really. what do you say? i'll fix you some fresh drinks. i'd rather have a fresh you. excuse me. hi, mr. roper. what can i do for you? what are you doing here? picking up a little extra cash. steve's car broke down. he'll be along later. ( groans ) something wrong? it shows, huh?
nah. okay. what's wrong with me? nothing's wrong with you. why don't women find me attractive? you're attractive. sure, you'd think so but i'm talking about regular women. mr. roper, why don't you cheer up and, uh, have a daiquiri on the house. that's good. you know... in all the years i've been married not one girl has ever looked at me.
that's it-- it's the ring. i told helen and, and, and... oh! boy, you're really down, aren't you? yeah. if they thought you were single they'd be eating out of your hand. yeah? jack... you know, i think you're right. that girl over there just waved at me. oh. well, see? maybe i'll just mosey over there... uh, hold it! mr. roper, hold it a second! why don't i take this wine over to her and tell her it's from you. good thinking. uh, joanie, excuse me. could you do me a favor? that depends. what are you doing tomorrow night? no, it... excuse me. you see that guy at the bar? he's really down on himself. he's got every right to be. joanie, he's a nice enough guy.
excuse me. just be nice to him, huh? make him feel attractive. him? give me one good reason why i should. uh, i could take you out tomorrow night. you know something? he just became very good-looking. mr. roper, you're in. she's waiting for you. remember-- confidence. ( clears throat ) uh, uh... hi, good-looking. hello, cutie.
in ice-cold water for 45 minutes." looks like jack already did that. janet? hmm? what part of the body do brains come from? the, uh, head part. you mean these are brain brains? yuck! yuck! you think maybe you could go for a hamburger at the regal beagle? i thought you'd never ask. okay, let's go. ( doorbell ringing ) i wonder who that is. oh, hi. oh, hi, kids. i hope i'm not interrupting. no, we were just going out, that's all. good. uh, mrs. roper... is there anything wrong? yeah. stanley got mad at me.
and it really hurt his feelings. i shouldn't have told him that. oh, mrs. roper, now, come on. he's going to know you didn't mean it. oh, i meant it. i just shouldn't have told him. well, why don't you take your mind off it and come with us to have a hamburger? oh, hey! that's a good idea. where are you going? the regal beagle. oh... ooh, i can't. stanley's gone there. oh, now, come on, mrs. roper. listen, i bet the one thing he wants right now more than anything is to see you. six plumbers were there before me. six professional plumbers. and i was the only one able to figure it out. you won't believe this.
half-inch pipe. no! yeah. with that kind of water pressure you need at least a three-quarter-inch pipe. believe me, after that they looked at stanley roper with respect. well, of course, they would. you betcha! chrissy. hi. hi, janet. hi, mrs. roper. wait! hey, mrs. roper why don't you join me over here at the bar? that's okay, jack. we'll just sit over here. oh, no, this table is reserved. reserved? who for? huh? huh?
all right, what's so important? um... well your wife was just here and she saw you. i think you better tell him again. yeah. mr. roper, your wife was just in here and she saw you with that girl. mr. roper, i... tell me that part again-- about how she came in and saw me. yeah, yeah. she saw you. the kissing and everything. oh, that's good! that's very good! well, listen, joanie there's something i want to tell you that i didn't tell you before but don't take it hard, huh, kid?
no. i wouldn't lie about that. what a relief. there's no easy way to tell you so i'll just... i'll come right out with it but you got to promise me something: no tears. oh, i promise. it's all over between us. ( stifled laugh ): over... now, you promised. no tears. oh, i'm smiling. see? what i didn't tell you was i'm a married man. no kidding. oh, don't take it so hard. you're young. i mean, there's lots more pebbles in the ocean. just try to act as though i never existed. i'll do my best.
good night, kids. you two-timer. right. jack, after what i just went through that dinner better be good. i got it, fine. thank you. isn't he cute? he can make me do almost anything. oh, get out of here you crazy...! good night! why do you have to take her to dinner? you know what time it is? it's time for the regal beagle sing-along! a free drink to the best voice. i been working on the railroad... everybody. all the live-long day all the live-long day woo! woo! woo! hold it! you don't like that song? i got another one. alouette, gentille alouette ...gentille alouette
stop it! ( muffled ): janet! what? i like that song. chrissy, don't you understand? jack is the one who got that girl together with mr. roper. oh, jack. did you? the man came in here feeling depressed. he was really down. he said he wasn't attractive to women so i just asked joan to be nice to him. well, that was very thoughtful of you. yeah, i thought you'd understand. now all you have to do is make mrs. roper understand. come on. i can't leave my post. i promised steve i'd stay here. i finally made it. i'm sorry i took so long. oh, hi, steve. hi, girls. hi. hi. jack, thanks for covering for me. you can take off now. i'll stay and wash the glasses while you mix drinks. oh, look, jack! what? get him, chrissy!
hello, helen. hello, stanley. how are you? oh, fine. just fine. you are? you better wash your face, stanley. you got some ketchup on it. ketchup?! it's not ketchup. it's lipstick. lipstick! from kissing! all right! it's lipstick from kissing. you better wash it off. helen, i was down at the beagle with a girl-- a pretty girl and you saw me, and i know you saw me because the girls told me you saw me. all right, stanley. i saw you. i admit it. and you knew i saw you
no, you had to make me admit it out loud. you had to rub my nose in it. all right. you found a young, pretty girl? go to her! helen, you don't understand. i just wanted to prove that another woman would find me attractive and i proved it! all right! you proved it! so go to her! i hope you'll be happy. i don't want to be happy. i want to be with you. oh! where are you going? anyplace you're not! janet: would you wait a minute, please, mrs. roper? oh, my god! we're too late! she's done it! oh, no! what's she talking about? i think it's about that knife in your hand. i was cutting some fruit. oh... i thought it was mr. roper. no, it's just an apple but i like your idea better.
she's got a knife in her hand. tell her! tell me what? what? mrs. roper, uh... excuse me. uh, you know that girl you saw mr. roper with tonight? well, uh, she was being nice to him because i asked her to. what?! yeah, see, i put her up to it. it's all my fault. oh, jack! ( helen laughs ) it's so good to be back
i want to talk to you... hold it. i'll do the talking. sit down. look... sit! yes, stanley? there's a few things i want to straighten out with you. when i went down to the beagle i felt like a nothing-- but i learned something. i learned that other women find me attractive. very attractive. all right, maybe i shouldn't have been with her. but what's a man supposed to do when a beautiful girl climbs all over him? now i know what guys like paul newman have to put up with. paul newman?! yeah, poor guy. he's got the same problem i have. well, all i can say is from now on, for your sake
we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
hello, everybody. oh, janet, hi. wasn't this a beautiful day? i feel so good, and i just love everybody. ( chuckles ): hey, who turned you into little mary sunshine? oh, jack, jack do you know who i saw today? go ahead and guess; you'll never guess. who? peter van horn. never heard of him. that's why you'll never guess. have you been taking lessons from chrissy? come on, helen. it's time to fix my dinner. i'll be down in a minute, stanley. i want to hear this. okay, what's a peter van horn? yeah. what? well, just picture the handsomest man a terrifically built guy and a wonderful athlete. i'm thinking of all three of them. no, chrissy, i'm talking about peter. he was the most popular guy in our high school-- handsome, quarterback of the football team
do you know what they did when he graduated? made him a god? they retired his class pin. yeah. it had been on the chest of every girl in school. including yours? no, no. i didn't have a chest then. well, come on, janet. what did he say? well... and what did you say? well... well, how did he act? how did you act? wait, let me see. let me see. um, all right, in order, he said, "hi there." and i said, "uhhhh!" ( laughing ) and then he said... no, no. i know. he said, "janet-- little janet wood. i can't believe it." i just can't believe it," right? well, that was after. after what? after he bumped into me and knocked me down and after he picked me up and said, "excuse me, miss." he didn't even recognize you? oh, no, no, not at first. so i said, "do you know who i am?"
( all squealing ) yeah, yeah, yeah-- and then he said "no, you couldn't be cause you're much prettier." oh, you're kidding! and you still talk to him after a line like that? jack, he doesn't need a line. this is peter van horn. oh, excuse me. i was talking about him as if he was just a plain old human being. bad, jack, bad, bad, bad, bad. ( knocking ) then he said "janet-- little janet wood," right? is that what he said next? yeah, yeah, after i told him what my name was. you going to fix my dinner or are you going to let me starve to death? you mean, i have a choice? helen. oh, come on, stanley. stay a while. this is so exciting. janet met an old sweetheart. oh, i wouldn't exactly call him a sweetheart. well... an old flame. try he didn't know i existed.
yes, yes, you are-- tonight. i've invited him over for coffee or something. tell us about the "or something." what did you have in mind? ( exaggerated panting ) oh... oh, jack... uh, i d-d-don't know. i just don't know what i meant. are you open for suggestions? helen, don't butt in. i'm not butting in. i just like to know that something's going on somewhere. and i'd like to know that my dinner's going on the table. oh, come on, stanley. i want to stay and hear more about janet's new flame. i'm starving. i'm not interested in new flames. naturally. his pilot light went out years ago. oh, chrissy, do you know what time it is? uh, 7:30.
well, don't worry... hey, your hands are like ice. i'm so scared. why? i can't help it, chrissy. this afternoon when i ran into peter it was just like being back in high school again-- skinny little kid, no figure. oh, but that's all changed now. i know, i know. but i can't get over it. peter van horn is coming to see me. when i was in high school i'd have given anything to have a date with him. instead, i got to go to the prom with stevie gilmore. they voted us "the couple with the brightest smile." oh, well, that was nice. no, it wasn't. it was because we both wore braces on our teeth. oh. oh, chrissy. oh, boy. what's wrong with her? well, it's getting close to kickoff time and she's worried. our janet, the original miss cool? oh, come on, janet, he's just a guy. he's not the second coming of mick jagger. jack, why would he want to date me?