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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  February 12, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST

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well, don't worry... hey, your hands are like ice. i'm so scared. why? i can't help it, chrissy. this afternoon when i ran into peter it was just like being back in high school again-- skinny little kid, no figure. oh, but that's all changed now. i know, i know. but i can't get over it. peter van horn is coming to see me. when i was in high school i'd have given anything to have a date with him. instead, i got to go to the prom with stevie gilmore. they voted us "the couple with the brightest smile." oh, well, that was nice. no, it wasn't. it was because we both wore braces on our teeth. oh. oh, chrissy. oh, boy. what's wrong with her? well, it's getting close to kickoff time and she's worried. our janet, the original miss cool? oh, come on, janet, he's just a guy. he's not the second coming of mick jagger. jack, why would he want to date me?
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yes. why would he want to date...? why? chrissy, did you ever hear such a stupid question? yes. last week at the office my boss asked me if i would... chrissy, don't help me. janet, you are one of the most gorgeous exciting, wonderful girls i've ever met. how come you never told me that before? how come you never told me that either? that's because we're friends and as long as i live here i have to think of you as just friends. to me, you're not girls. you're just a couple of lumpy boys. you're a beautiful liar, jack. i'd better go get ready now. janet? yeah? want to wear my "almost halston" dress? ( gasps ) oh! okay? chrissy, thank you! oh, thank you, chrissy! i have never seen janet like that. she's usually so... an "almost halston" dress? uh-huh. it's a j.c. penney dress
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that's ridiculous. he'll never see the label. it doesn't matter. the girl knows it's there. that's what counts. ( doorbell chimes ) that must be peter. chrissy, how are we going to explain us to mr. wonderful? well, you'll think of something. hi. i'm looking for janet wood. hi. come on in. she's getting dressed. oh? uh, i'm company, and she's a roommate and that explains everything. oh, good going, jack. thanks, chrissy. listen. why don't i take that? see, we're all just friends here. i see. well, i'm peter van horn. i'm jack tripper. nice to meet you. this is chrissy snow. and i'm very pleased to meet you. hi. i'll tell janet you're here. thank you. come in. i hear you were quite an athlete. well, that was quite a long time ago. say, you look pretty athletic yourself. i did play a little baseball.
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so was i. what was your best pitch. a slider-- but i had an even better pitch. stand back and i'll show you. all right? get ready. and here's tripper into the windup and the pitch. that's a pretty cute trick. how do you do it? you palm the ball in your left hand and you don't let the batter see it. then, as you go into your stretch... well, well. you sort of... i'll tell you later. look at you. ah, the skin you love to touch. again... and again. ( chuckling ) ( chuckling ) hello, peter. have you all met? well, then, if you have somewhere to go, i wouldn't want to hold you up. we're going, janet. don't push. i hope to see more of you. yeah. i'd like that.
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come on, chrissy. well, what do you know? janet hit the jackpot. he's really a nice guy, isn't he?
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chrissy, you can't just tell me you don't like the guy. you got to give me a reason. i don't trust him. i've got this feeling. feeling is not a reason. it's got to be a reason. otherwise, why would i feel this way? when did you first get this feeling? reason. reason, feeling-- what's the difference? that's what i said. you said they weren't the same. chrissy... ( chuckling ) what i mean is do you have any proof? yes. i didn't like what he said. what did he say? he said, "i'm very pleased to meet you." and? that's it.
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"i'm very pleased to meet you"? ( sighing ) it's so simple. when he said "i'm very pleased" that wasn't just a plain "very," you know. huh? there are "verys," and there are "verys" and his "very" was very, very strange. what?! especially when you put it together with a double squeeze. oh, right. what's a double squeeze? i'll show you. okay, you be me and i'll be peter, okay? oh, wait-- i'm you? okay. what do you want me to do? what do you want me to do?
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i'm very pleased to meet you. he just squeezed your elbow when he said "very"-- what's wrong with that? the squeeze had a question mark on it! a question? yes. "how about you and me getting it on, baby?" oh, come on, chrissy. i-i can't... it was! it was! i have met those squeezers before and they are no good! okay, maybe you got something there. would you do me a favor? would you do that again? i want to see if i can hear that question. oh, yeah, sure. yeah. i'm very pleased to meet you. i'd love to. ( laughing ) well, isn't this just like old times? i don't know.
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you didn't take out. so, you were the one. well, you sure have changed, janet-- in all the right places. oh... well, you haven't changed very much, peter. well, i've matured a little. you see, i realized the chicks were chasing after me not because i was a terrific guy but because i was a football hero. oh, well, i'll bet the girls still chase after you. yeah, but now it's because i'm a terrific guy. uh, peter... um, do you ever hear from charlie benson? who? he was your best friend. oh, him. yeah, i think he got into teaching someplace up north. oh, really? yeah, it's a shame. you know, a smart guy like that wasting his life. you know, if he'd played his cards right he could be e ing exactly what i'm doing. uh... trying to undress me? what? trying to...
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hey, that's pretty funny. ( both chuckling ) uh, what are you doing now, peter? i'm in sporting goods. oh, still playing games, huh? what? s-st-still play- play-playing... oh, sure, sure. i keep fit, yeah. you know, the chicks don't like it if you let yourself go. say, listen, i got an idea. uh, those are throw pillows but i don't think you should throw them on the floor. why don't we get comfortable? isn't that better? uh, yeah, it's g-good. it's good. ( doorbell rings ) excuse me. i think there's probably someone at the door. i'll just be getting it, and you can just be, uh... oh, hi, hi. oh, i just wanted to come and see
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lamp? yeah, it's fine, well, yeah. oh, good. very good. oh, mrs. roper, this is peter van horn. our landlady. good. very good. ah, the skin you love to touch again... and again. ( chuckling ) ( breathless chuckle ) oh, janet, did you hear what he said? yes, again and again. well, i just had to see your la... uh, mrs. roper, listen-- wouldn't you like to stay and have a drink with us? oh, oh, oh... ( laughing ) janet, you're so polite. i know you two want to be alone. ( laughing ) no, i'll just go back to stanley. then i can be alone, too.
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well... chrissy... i can't hear myself drink. oh, jack, i'm so worried. maybe we should call janet and tell her how we feel. janet's okay, chrissy. peter's an old high school friend. he was the most popular guy in school. he was a four-letter man. yeah, they make a four-letter word. be nice, chrissy. oh, jack, do me a favor, please. come with me and call janet and just see how she is, okay? oh, chrissy, i can't do that. she'll think i'm spying on her. so, disguise your voice. oh, come on. oh, jack, oh, jack, please? for me? ( groans )
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okay, come on. come, come! how should i disguise my voice? make an accent. "make an accent"? how do i...? ( hillbilly accent ): howdy! h-howdy, miss wood. is this miss wood? hi. uh, i'm an old friend of peter van horn's. uh, you know, old pete's really a good ol' boy... uh, but he's also a lowdown, rotten sneakin' snake in the grass and, uh, i wouldn't allow him in my house without you got a mongoose handy. ( yokel laugh ) ( normal voice ): oh, hi, janet. huh? no, i-i don't have a cold. i was just, uh... you do? oh, well, thanks. yeah. what'd she say? she said i do a great gomer pyle imitation.
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i was doing jimmy carter. ( sputtering ) ( clearing throat ) tell me the truth, jan. janet. janet. haven't you been thinking about me all these years? well, in a sense, uh... i knew it. you know, hon all the way over here, i just kept thinking janet... janet... janet. and, you know, i made up a little something especially for you. oh? wh-what was that, peter? how much do i love you? let me count up the ways.
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what the hell's so funny? oh, peter! you got that from elizabeth barrett browning. oh, no, you got me all wrong. i never took that chick out in my life. ( laughing ) well, it would be a little difficult. she's been dead for over a hundred years. and she wrote it just a little differently. "how do i love thee? let me count the ways." i was never good at talk so why don't we do what i do best? oh, no, peter, i'd rather not. come on, janet. i'm not in the mood. hey, hey, listen how about another poem? peter, oh, no! oh, hi. oh, my god! where's peter? he's in the bedroom. oh, my god! oh, jack, he attacked her!
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janet, what happened? he attacked me. see? oh, my god! i don't mean he attacked me, actually but he started to really come after me so i tried to run in the bedroom and lock the door. then what happened? he tripped over the chair and hit his head on the broken end table. we don't have a broken end table. we do now. anyway, he knocked himself out so, i put a pillow under his head an ice pack on him, and he's in there now. where you going? i'll bring him to and then i'm going to punch him out. peter: janet? he's awake! oh, no. good, now i don't have to bring him to. oh, no. uh, jack... come on, come on, uh... um, i can handle this. are you sure? sure. i've been doing pretty good so far. um, why don't you guys just do a quick fade and i'll get rid of him? okay. come on, jack. if you want me, i'll be in there, okay? thank you. hi. how are you?
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i forgive you. you forgive me? playing hard to get. and i got news for you, babe, it worked. you got me. i got news for you-- i don't want you. you're not serious. oh, peter, gee... what does it take to get through to you? stop trying, babe. you got your man. oh, peter. janet... peter, no. hold it right there. what are you two doing here? hey, don't you hear well? my friend is not interested in you. oh, so that's it. well, that explains everything. that never occurred to me. what? you, her-- roommates.
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everything. oh? i read about this kind of thing in a book. you read a book? who helped you with the big words? there are no big words in dick and jane. well, listen, i don't want to break up a beautiful friendship. i mean, whatever turns you on. ( chuckling ) just imagine, for a minute there thought old pete was losing it. here, let me help old pete with his old jacket. thanks. hey!
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i should have known right away that that guy was a double squeezer. what? and that he had a question mark on the end of it. what? look, janet, there are "verys" and there are "verys." and his "very" was very, very strange. you been taking lessons from chrissy?
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excuse me. excuse you? ooh. for anything you want. ahem. now that you've seen me naked, hold on to that fantasy. where is smokenders? upstairs. one flight. oh, and, uh, miss... if smokenders doesn't work, maybe i can think of something we could do together to get your mind off cigarettes. if i ever need another bad habit, i'll call you. o.k. the name's kirk. my number's on the wall in the ladies' room. i think i'm in love. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines
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life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song...
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look, wendy, matthew's my son, too. i'm your ex-husband, but i still have rights. john, how are you? fantastic. no. of course i wasn't talking to you, you witch. kate, i've meant to ask you-- oh, mary beth, thank you, thank you! and in case i forgot-- thank you! what? thank you for what? i guess you really liked him. i adored him. him? who's him? isn't he wonderful? he's more than wonderful. who the hell he? well, my date calendar was filled last week, and i had this guy left over. so, you fixed the chap up with kate. i figured he wasn't your type. he turned out to be this unbelievably handsome, wealthy son of an argentine cattle baron. not my type.
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isn't that a beautiful name? sometimes he has trouble understanding what i'm talking about, but who cares? he has this childlike boyishness that makes him so much fun to be with. does he have a brother? he's an only child. know what we did on saturday? we tooled around town in the mercedes sl that his father bought for him. then we went to central park and flew kites. is his father single? i don't know. he's at their cattle ranch in argentina. then we went to his penthouse, watched road runner cartoons, and laughed and laughed and laughed. by any chance, does his father have a lonely bull? not my bloody type. louise, i can't wait for you to meet him. he's picking me up after the meeting and taking me out for what he calls
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a night of love. ah, that certainly brings back memories. guitars playing, castanets clicking, mission bells ringing. you had a latin lover, too? actually, he was a sailor behind a taco stand. wendy, we both agreed we didn't want matthew to have a dirt bike. then you tell him i'm the one against it. now i'm the villain, and you're the loving, understanding mother. do you have to blow-dry your hair on the phone? no, don't put me on hold. would you hold it down? i'm trying to run an overeaters' meeting. what with you yelling and them chomping on carrot sticks, i can't hear myself! yeah, yeah, yeah. women. i heard that, and i also heard you trashing your wife. that woman's raising your child the best she can.
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than you can do. that's nonsense. i'm a wonderful father. that's what the good lord said, but if adam and eve had a mama, they wouldn't have gotten in trouble. i was fine till i got that call from my loving... ex...wife. john, go easy. you're going to break the wall. sorry. i got carried away. hey, look at this. somebody just delivered flowers to kate. who would send flowers to a woman in a bar? especially if she's not wearing pasties and a g-string. oh, kate, they're just beautiful. i bet they're from alejandro. "you are my princess. "i am your prince. "look towards the door near the after-dinner mints." ole! that's alejandro.
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i hate you. hi, alejandro. buenas noches, mary beth, and you must be louise. my katerina has told me so much about you. it's not much of a story, just a single woman clawing her way through the world on her own, alone, looking for seor right. well, if you'll excuse us, louise and i have to go. we have late dates. we do? in that case, ta-ta. adios. mary beth, who did you fix me up with? it was just an excuse to get us out of here. damn you! i have wonderful news. i'm building a cabin in the poconos. it will be finished this weekend.
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oh, alejandro, i would love that. where have you been all my life? well, i was born in a small village called bahia blanca. no, no, no. it's just an american expression for-- oh, never mind. [high-pitched laugh] listen, we better get going. i've chartered a boat to the statue of liberty. but, alejandro, it's late. the statue of liberty's closed. oh, not for us. i slipped your government a little something to keep her head open. ugh! you got to get rid of this hostility. he just did. these darts he threw are in for good. come on! oh, ralph. what? get down from there. oh. maybe i ought to call it a night.
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i want to hear about it. i don't care how long it takes. i'm here for you. spill your guts to your best buddy kirk. every time wendy and i make a decision, she goes behind my back-- ooh. ooh. hold that thought. i'll let you in on a little secret. kirk's much easier to talk to when he's talking about himself. still smoking, huh? still breathing, huh? ha ha. what's your name? jackie. jackie. jackie, do you know why you can't quit smoking? because you don't have a real incentive. like what? like me. like hell. you know, i'd find you a lot sexier if you'd stop.
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ahem. let's just say that we had something going on. let's just say you're hot for my body. you're really going to stretch my imagination, huh? we're all over each other. we're both breathing passionately. you're moaning and squirming. i bend you over backwards into the horizontal position. there are little beads of sweat trickling down the small of your back. what's your point? who remembers? the point is, during this, all i smell is stale smoke in your hair, on your breath, and that's a real turnoff. wait a second.
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we'll go out, see what happens. don't say you wouldn't be here. you going to be smoking? maybe i will. maybe i won't. you going to be here? maybe i will. maybe i won't. all right. i'll try not to smoke. all right. i'll try to be here. grrr. you know, you're not like other guys. you're different. yeah, i know. but i may just show up anyway. if that tooth continues aching, call back tomorrow. o.k.? right. hi. i'm john lacey. i have an appointment. i'm having my gums scraped. ooh. eww.
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can i use your phone? sure. help yourself. he called about 10 minutes ago. hi, matthew. got your message. everything all right? thank me? for what? the dirt bike? oh, the dirt bike your mother and i gave you. i'm going to kill that woman. put your mother on the phone. well, tell her to call me at dr. phillips' office when she's through waxing her legs. bye, matthew. i'd like to pull those hairs out follicle by follicle! dr. phillips was called out of town. dr. benjamin will be treating you. fine. fine. my ex-wife always does this to me. went behind my back again. typical woman. if i tell my son a dirt bike's too dangerous, i'm the bad guy.
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to make you crazy. i know why there's more old women around than old men. men can't take the aggravation anymore, so in self-defense, they die, and that is the happiest day of their life. hi. i'm dr. benjamin.
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i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling]
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well, i see what the problem is. what do you say we get started digging? before we do, i would like to apologize for those dumb remarks i made about women. i was talking about women in general. i wasn't talking about you personally.
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just forget it happened. i know i have. before we begin, would you like some novocaine? think i'll need it? no. a big strong man like you? i'll go with the novocaine. i want you to know what i said outside was because i just had a fight with my ex-wife. you must fight with your husband. i'm not married. then with your boyfriend. i'm afraid starting a dental practice hasn't left me much time for a social life. yeah. i'm sure those sharp needles don't help, either. all right, mr. lacey. it won't be too painful. i promise. as a way of apologizing, let me take you to lunch. thank you, but that won't be necessary. it won't be too painful. what do you say, doc? i say if you're taking me to lunch, you can call me jan.
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o.k., john. now open wide. o.k., ja-ahh... this is going to be a fantastic weekend. the way you described your cabin, it sounds wonderful-- the view of the lake from the dining room, the big stone fireplace in the living room. wait until you see my pride and joy-- my big game room. i'm sorry. that stuff just really upsets me. i don't understand. the frivolous destruction of animals just so you can hang their heads in your game room as trophies... no. really turns me off. no. my game room has 15 pinball machines, shuffleboard, air hockey, nintendo. a game room. oh, i see. the heads i hang in the living room.
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you are such a kidder. i know. i live for fun. uh, listen, alejandro, instead of playing games this weekend like always, maybe we could have a quiet, introspective weekend. it would give us a chance to find out more about each other-- our views on politics, religion, what we want out of life. no games? no games. but i love games. then i've got an idea for a new game. good, because i love games. this will teach us a lot about each other. now, if you could be anyone in history, who would you like to be? that's easy. i would kill to be sylvester stallone or... or tony orlando, eh?
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the man is an absolute moron. i thought he was having trouble with the language. language has nothing to do with it! he's an idiot in any language. he's dumber than one of his father's cows. oh, what a pity. i had the worst weekend of my life. i played so many video games, i'm afraid i may be sterile. you wanted me to be honest. i had a rotten time. i didn't have such a great time either, jackie. i'm not going out with you again. before turning down another date, wait to be asked. i wouldn't go if you begged me.
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i'll meet you after the group. don't be late. so, there we are at lunch--hi, kirk. jan can't take her eyes off me. then i realize why. the novocaine hadn't worn off yet. i had french onion soup dripping down my chin. she thought i was adorable. well, well, well. this is certainly a change in attitude. just last week, you stood right there and said you hated all women. i never said that. yes, you did, john. you said, "if there was only one woman left "on the face of the earth, you'd drop the earth on her face." kirk, help me out. say something stupid so they'll jump on you.
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i'm sorry, john. i wasn't listening. kirk, is something wrong? you seem awfully quiet this evening. what's the matter, rat got your tongue? that's a good one, kate. ha ha ha ha! there he is, the king of hearts. i was in the parking lot, i looked up, and guess what i saw through the window. what? what? what? what? kirk sucking face with a smokender. ooh. yes! i actually saw it! as we bikers say, vroom vroom vroom! what? what? tell us who she is. o.k., o.k. her name's jackie. so i went out with her saturday night.
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o.k., o.k. and sunday. and tuesday and wednesday. and thursday. i don't know why i keep seeing this woman. she's caused me nothing but problems. i can't sleep. i wake up late at night in a cold sweat. i can't think straight. i have no appetite. well, sounds to me like you're either sick or you're in love. well, which is it? how should i know? this babe has me so confused, i don't know what i'm doing. the other day, i actually opened a door for her and not just to check out her tush. ohh, this is serious. it gets worse. last night... i bought her flowers. i don't believe it.
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that i believe. i don't know why i'm doing all this stuff. i know--so you can get her in bed with you. that's why you always do it. you people disgust me! i don't know why i even put up with all this abuse. is that all you can think about--sex? i am not an animal! for your information, i haven't laid a hand on jackie. i respect her too much. oh, no. he is in love. i know. why me?
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[telephone rings] would you get that, hon? hello. uh, yes, he is.
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wendy? as in ex-wife wendy? they're crazy about your onion dip. it's wendy. i'll call her back later. you're so lucky to have found somebody like jan. yeah. she's smart, she's beautiful, and she's-- talking to wendy? get in the bathroom. i don't want anybody to hear this. what's the big deal? the reason i can't give her a list of the women i've slept with is because there is no list. what? i don't want this getting around, but for the last three months, my love boat has been in dry dock. captioning performed by the national captioning how can i help if you don't share your problems? when i get back, y'all better talk,
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ralph. hi, denise. what are you doing? trying to look miserable before i go in. you been painting with the windows closed again? look, i got to tell somebody. can you keep a secret? yes, but this better not be something i told you. remember molly, the girl who works with me? the one you dated until the group opened their mouths and made you break up? don't let this get around. we're sort of... living together. you and molly are living together? whoo whoo whoo! if the group finds out, i'm afraid they'll break us up. they'll be happy for you. just go in, tell the truth. think so? sure. they're your friends. maybe you're right. thanks, denise.
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hi, everybody. i have something to say about molly. in a minute, ralph. now, mary beth, we don't mean to interfere, but we all think it might be best if you and your new boyfriend stopped seeing each other. definitely. just get rid of the guy. what did you want to tell us about molly? she's dead. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john
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seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song dear john
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no, i didn't mean molly was dead dead. i meant dead, like, out of my life. oh, for crying out loud. ralph!
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i'm better off without her. that's good. we were really worried. don't forget, everybody, next wednesday night, 6:30, cocktail party at my place to meet jan. i can't wait. she's the best thing that's happened to me. i just wish she'd forget she's a periodontist. the other night at the movies in the middle of this hot love scene, she whispers, "michelle pfeiffer has bad bite." by the way, jan has a terrific bite. it sure is great to have a woman care about you, isn't it, john? not that lonely old me would know. oh, ralph, you're still heartbroken over molly, aren't you? don't worry. you'll find somebody else to love you. of course you will. it takes time.
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god, do you have to have patience. i'm never letting you pick the restaurant again. i would kill for a cigarette. jackie, will you just chill out? you're saying i'm irritable? you said goodbye to irritable miles ago. you're mad because i won't sleep with you. please, i have a reputation to protect here. people around here think of me as, you know, a... a sexual god. people like who? people like me. you're really starting to get on my nerves. maybe i should just disappear. you should. i will. good! fine! this doesn't have anything to do with our group, but i have something i have to talk to you about.
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i just found out i'm being audited by the irs, and i'm scared to death. what if they find a mistake and they think i've been cheating? i could go to jail! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. louise, maybe i can help you. did you file a return? of course. in that case, i can't help you. don't worry about it. everything will work out. yeah. just go down with an air of confidence dressed in a simple yet dignified outfit. a string of pearls-- nothing flashy. show your receipts and say there's nothing to hide. if that doesn't work, lose the bra. ms. mercer? oh, my god.

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