tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 12, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST
i thought it took something away from the performance. >> but there were some wonderful moments on the show, where things would happen. >> oh. >> in fact, they played some of those, recently, with the-- with the old, uh-- the lost episodes. >> carney, one time, was tryna get out the door, and it was stuck, so we went out the window. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> reasonable. >> yeah. went down the fire escape, and came back up. [ chuckling ] he's good. carney is one of the greatest comedians of-- and dramatic actors-- of all times. >> yeah. [ applause ] >> and aud-audrey meadows. sensational. >> you recently turned audrey down, didn't you? she came in, auditioned for the part, if i remember, looking very pretty, and you said, "no, she's too pretty for the part," and then somebody gave you a picture, where she kind of, uh-- >> well, that's the legend. >> yeah. >> i'll go along, with it. >> yeah. [ laughter ] sounds good. but you're a-- you like to act, don't ya? you're a-- you're a good actor. you have a lot of depth, as an actor. as a-- as a-- as a serious actor.
it's a strange thing. many comedians have become good actors. but i don't know of any good actors who became great comedians. >> that's true. absolutely true. let's talk about money, a little bit. toots used to tell me that-- >> yeah. >> toots used to tell me, before you made it big, you used to run up tabs, at his place, and-and then hand out tips, even when you didn't have it. >> well, i-- he said to me-- he said, "if you want anything, go ahead and sign, for it." so, i said, "all right." so, i signed a tab, one night. it was for about $60, and i put a $40 tip. [ laughter ] and he came flying over. he says, "what are ya doin'?" i said, "keep this up, and i'll give ya back your pen." [ laughter ] >> so you just signed the tabs. >> oh, yes. i'd sign. >> we're gonna take a break. we're gonna be right back.
we're talking to jackie gleason. [ applause ] was it in the '60's, jack, you made the, uh-- the albums? "music for lovers only" and some of those other great mood albums. >> yes. >> that's an interesting story. >> no, it started around, i think, '54. >> that's an interesting story. there's something you wanted to do, and everybody wouldn't back you on it, and said, "you gotta be kidding," because you-you have-- you don't read music. >> that's right. >> and you don't write it, and yet you came out with these albums, and conducted, and they were a smash hit. >> well, it all happened because of clark gable. i saw gable in a picture, and he was all made up, and he was dressed in tails. looked great. and he was doing a dialogue. then, he sat down on the couch, with the girl. and the music snuck in. and then, everything he said was just magnified, 1000%. so, i figured, if gable needed music, a guy in brooklyn must be desperate. [ laughter ]
and, as it turned out, it was quite successful. >> yeah, you had strings. you got, uh, uh, bobby hackett. >> one of the great trumpet players. only the-- the only trumpeter-- >> funny thing-- when i first heard, uh, bobby, he was playing guitar, in glen miller's orchestra. and, every now and then, they'd let him play a sweet passage. so, i heard him do this, and i said, "someday, i'll get some strings-- an acre of strings-- and you'll play the-the horn, and we'll make some music." >> didn't you have 40 mandolin players? or something like that? >> oh, that was the time of all times. >> what was that about? >> forty mandolin players. you couldn't get haircut, for 50 miles around. [ laughter ] >> no chance. and, they came in, and sat down, and they started to play, and they had hard picks. and it sounded like somebody threw a bedspring out the window. [ laughter ] so, i said, "ah, this'll never do." i said-- and i sent out
and they played it, and it still was a little raunchy. so, i went around, with a glass of water, and i said, "dip your picks in the water. soften 'em up." now, they started to play, and the water's hittin' 'em in the chin. [ laughter ] and they're ready to go. you know, they think i'm a nut. so, we finally made a recording, and i played it back to them, and they were all very satisfied. but that was a tough session. >> yeah, you also sat down, and-and-and did the, uh-- the theme song, for the, uh, "melancholy--" >> "melancholy serenade." >> "melancholy serenade," didn't ya? >> and, uh, our friend, there, was very kind to play it, one night. >> yeah. >> played a whole medley. >> yeah, i re-- i remember you sent me a note, on that. >> yes. yes. very nice. >> who influenced you-- who did you enjoy, as a kid, watching? i know ollie and-- stan and ollie were-- [ chuckling ] >> you and art did 'em one night, and -- >> jack oakie. >> jack oakie. >> jack oakie was one of the best comedians and dramatic actors i had ever seen, on the screen. i-- he always played
but he made it interesting. and that's not easy to do. >> why don't you s-- why don't you see-- [ laughter ] why don't you see many sketch comedians, anymore? >> pardon me, john. >> sure. certainly. [ laughter ] >> mmm, boy! [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's good coffee. that's good coffee. >> oh, that's dandy. [ laughter ] >> you don't see many sketch comedians, anymore. everybody's doin' stan-stand-up. >> no, there's very few of 'em. >> and you don't see the real, physical, uh-- that t-type of sketches, anymore. wonder why. >> uh, i think it's because of programs that use monologists. >> yeah. >> and, all they have to do is walk out, and tell some jokes. and, uh, they're stuck with that. they never do scenes. >> right. >> uh, there's very few places-- there's no more burlesque or anything, where ya-- or variety shows, where you do scenes. >> right. >> so, i guess that's why there aren't good scene comics, around. >> yeah, it's too bad. >> there are some.
do you watch much television, at all? >> i watch, uh, the, uh, channel two, is it, here? >> is that the, uh-- >> the public, uh-- >> must be channel six or twe--28. i dunno. >> and i watch sporting events. uh, because, when i watch a situation comedy show, uh, they do the first few lines, and i know where it's going, so it's no fun. and then, they have the laugh machine. >> yeah. >> guy comes in and says, "hello," and gets a yuck! [ laughter ] >> "hi, dad. how's the job?" >> pow! [ laughter ] >> i remember-- >> guy sits there, playin' the organ. >> i remember when you did the, uh-- it was the dukane system, they call it? dumont? >> yes. yes. >> with the three-camera setup, all in front of a live audience. >> that's right. >> in new york. >> never did a show any other way, but in front of an audience. no cue cards, no teleprompters. and, uh, that's the only way to do a show. >> yeah. >> how are you gonna know, if you're timing something, if you're haven't anyone to say it to? >> yeah.
>> yeah. anything in your life that you wanna do you haven't done yet? >> no, i been pretty lucky. i got a chance to do most everything i wanted to do. yeah, some of it laid a bomb, some of it was pretty good. uh, i've been very, very lucky. and anybody that thinks it's just their talent, uh, they're crazy. you gotta have luck. and, you know, talent-- talent is a very annoying thing, 'cause you can't take any credit for it. it's a gift from god. you know, and you're stuck with that. [ laughter ] somebody says you're good, you're-- "well, god did it." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> well, in your case... [ applause ] look, i got-- can you stay with us, the rest of the show? do you want-- you have to split? i know you're-you're-- >> i have to go. i have to go. >> you have to go, because i know you're doin' this picture called, uh-- i forgot the name of it. >> "nothing in common." >> "nothing in common," with tom hanks.
is, to finally have come out here and spent some time together. >> john, you were beautiful. >> i've been an admirer of your-- >> you held up the book. [ laughter ] >> jim's book, "how s--" what's the n-- what's it called? [ applause ] >> thank you, jack. [ cheering ] [ music ] he's remarkable. he's remarkable. you know, i've said this before, and i didn't say it when he was out here, but that gentleman has never been-- has never received an emmy, if you can believe it-- >> terrible. what a disgrace that-- >> from the television academy, in this business, and the academy oughta be-- >> ashamed. >> towed about 20 miles out to sea, and dropped in the ocean. something's wrong, somewhere. we'll take a break.
[ applause ] >> okay, we are back. my next guest-- okay. my next guest is a very bright, funny entertainer. he's a songwriter, a wreck on tour, and he's hosted several national televisions shows. would you welcome mr. jim stafford? jim? [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> thank you, folks. i sure appreciate it. thank you very much. i'd like to play a song, for you, on this guitar, but first, i'd like to tell ya a little bit about it. this is a us army m16 assault guitar. [ laughter ] and it's gonna be used in the new sylvester stallone movie "mambo." [ laughter ] now, it plays like a regular guitar-- [ music ] as you can see, but it's run through a synthesizer that makes it sound like anything but a guitar. i'll show ya what i mean. this is, uh, doing duck calls. [ music ] and, you can-- you can strum
[ music ] synthesizer! [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> that's wild. [ applause ] >> pretty wild, huh? >> we didn't see-- >> old pill-pickin' magician. >> we didn't see what happened, when you, uh, were doing the, uh-- the pipe organ thing. the guys in the brass section were breakin' their horns. [ laughter ] you can do anything, now, with a synthesizer, can't ya? >> the m16 guitar. now, i bought that at a music store, for about $2600, and you can order one direct, from the pentagon, for about $700,000. >> that's weird. i've never heard anything like that. it can do anything. >> pretty wild. yeah! yeah. >> haven't seen you, for a while. what've you been up to? >> well, um, i, uh-- i did a game show pilot. did a game show pilot. >> yeah. >> "chance for romance." >> are you putting me on, now? >> no, no. >> i never know, with you. "chance for romance." >> i did for-- yup, yup. my, uh, agent called me,
"we got a game show, for ya." and i said, "well, i'm a performer. i don't, uh-- i don't host game shows. and i wouldn't consider that, until i had exhausted all possibilities." >> mmm-hmm. >> my manager said, "well, you better come over." [ laughter ] >> manager's honest, huh? >> yes. so, i went over, and, uh-- and this is the truth. they had offices set up, on ventura boulevard, for this production company. it's a nbc show. >> uh-huh. >> and the offices were over a liquor store, on ventura boulevard, beside an ugly duckling rent-a-car. >> mmm-hmm. >> and they had cars on bo-- on-on blocks, in the parkin' lot. and, so, i went over there, and i saw the run-throughs, and met some of the contestants that-that you get on these kinds of shows-- the "chance for romance." >> i guess they put an ad in the paper, don't they, and say, "you wanna be on a tv show?" >> yeah. and they're-- i think they're lookin' mostly for, uh, weirdos. [ laughter ] >> uh-huh. >> it seemed, to me, to be that way.
whose hobby was trying to sneeze with his eyes open. [ laughter ] we had a girl, there, who wanted-- her life's ambition was to visit all the planets. [ laughter ] i think she had relatives that she wanted to see. and we had a guy, there, who-who took a hand puppet around with him, on his first dates, to break the ice. >> just average people, huh? >> no, i don't think he dated much, but he always had his-his hand puppet, i suppose. [ laughter ] but, uh-- >> people are lonesome, folks. lemme tell ya. >> yeah. so, they had that kinda thing. and you had, uh, guys who-- competing for dates, with girls, and their chance, uh for romance. and, you know, a funny thing happened. the executives from-- you know, after you do a few weeks of run-throughs, then the nbc brass comes over, to see how you're doing. >> right. >> so, this one guy pulls up.
he parks between a dipsy dumpster and a chevy nova with a missing engine. >> right. >> we didn't get nothin' outta him. he sat by the window, all day, watchin' his car. >> right. [ laughter ] >> then, the other guy-- there was a second en-- uh, executive showed up. he got the address right. but he didn't know we were upstairs. he went in the liquor store. >> liquor store. [ laughter ] >> yeah. and, uh, i think he liked the show, 'cause when i saw him, he seemed to like everything. [ laughter ] >> are we-- are we gonna see this show on the air? possibly? >> no. >> "chance for romance" didn't make it. >> no, uh, "chance for romance," uh, didn't, uh-- didn't make it. >> yeah. >> that's what i hear. >> yeah. i made a movie. i made a movie. not an expensive movie. some independent financier got together, and held a carwash. [ laughter ] we made a movie called "kid colter." >> made it for a million dollars. nowadays, that's-- >> but it has the look of a $2 million movie. [ laughter ] and, uh-- >> as long as you put the money on the screen. >> all-- it's all up there,
get the poster right. [ laughter ] they-they-they didn't get the poster right. [ chuckling ] and they got a-- they-- maybe it wasn't in the budget, but they got it-- a guy called me, a couple days ago, and he said, "uh, we got the poster right, and it'll be out in seattle and somewhere in texas, in two weeks." >> wow! [ laughter ] you're covering a lot of ground. >> yeah. >> lookin' forward to that. >> yeah, that happened. and, when i was on the set, uh, i learned how to make a sound. >> a sound? >> yeah, do i have time, or--if i don't have time-- >> yeah. yeah, real quick, here. >> real quick? yeah, you know how people make weird sounds? >> yeah. >> i learned one. this is water dropping. watch this. [ making dripping noise ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> pretty hot, huh? >> that's dynamite. i... can't think of a better way to wind up the evening. [ laughter ] >> thank you, john. [ laughter ] >> we'll, uh-- we'll do this, and
[ music ] [ applause ] >> now, for those people who tune in late, you think that's who-- that's a gimmick, or something. >> no, it's not. you just-- you blow the air out, and pop your cheek. >> all right, now do the-- water dropping. >> okay. [ making dripping noise ] [ applause ] >> folks. >> thanks. [ applause ] [ cheering ]
ow. chrissy... yeah? when you eat something what side do you chew on? the side that's nearest to me. no, see, i was at the dentist and he said that everybody chews on one side of their mouth more than the other. take a bite. okay. let's see... don't look at me. huh? well, i can't chew when you're looking at me. i get really self-conscious. i chew straight up and down in the middle. chrissy, that's ridiculous. only rabbits chew in the middle.
don't look at me. i'm not looking-- i'm observing. well, i'll observe myself in the mirror. "i'll observe myself in the mirror." well? i chew on the left. ( doorbell rings ) yeah? that's terrible! why? that means one side of my mouth will wear out before the other. hi, mrs. roper. hi, janet. by the time i'm 30, i'm going to be lopsided! look, honey, why don't you try just exercising with the other arm? no, no, no. see, mrs. roper what we were talking about... look, i don't have much time. i just wanted to warn you that mr. roper is on the rampage for his rent. oh, my goodness. is it rent time already? gee, i didn't know that. did you, chrissy? no. you know me, janet-- i can never keep track of time. well, the rent's ten days overdue. eleven. oh, look, ordinarily
see, he's been looking over the ads in the papers and it's given him an idea of how much he can really get for this dump. listen, we are going to pay the rent today just as soon as jack gets home. oh, thanks, janet. see? there's no reason for mr. roper to get excited. oh, no, no-- not excited. i said he was upset. mr. roper rarely gets excited. well, it is a good thing jack's collecting that $100 larry owes him. yeah. otherwise, we'd be out on the street. i could kill that larry. hello, street. here we come. you didn't get the hundred dollars? no. he used the hundred dollars i loaned him to pay back the 50 he borrowed from another guy! well, what about the other 50? well, he said he put it into a savings bank and when it makes $50 interest, he'll have the hundred to pay me back. hey, that's smart! when will that be? about 1991.
what will we do? he will be here any minute! i know. i just saw mrs. roper on the stairs. okay, this is what we're going to do: we're going to the beach. might as well have some fun while we're worrying. get your suits on. jack! come on! get your suits on. i left mine outside to dry. hello, jack! hello. who are you? uncle fremont! it is uncle fremont? it better be. otherwise, somebody else has been kissing the girls i love! ( laughing ): come in. what are you doing in l.a.? i thought i'd drop in and visit my favorite nephew. i'm your only nephew. that never stopped you from being my favorite! oh, wow, the last time i heard, you were in argentina, right? mm-hmm. how was south america? very spanish. especially the ladies. how about the men? very jealous. weren't you in oil down there? i had to get out. i, uh, tried mexico for a while. what were you in there?
that's right-- i remember my dad wrote me all about that and he said then you came back and you finally settled down to live in san diego. don't confuse your terms, dear boy. you can either settle down or you can live. you cannot do both. oh. now, i suppose this is your little... i believe you call it a "pad"? well, we call it an "apartment." your father worries about you-- how you're making out on your own in the big city what you do for recreation. jack. jack, i was thinking that maybe if we took a picnic. oh. oh, uh, uncle fremont this is my friend, janet. uncle? friend? well, we were, uh, just going to the beach. oh! oh, good. see, uh, janet lives here, but it's not what you think. oh, no. all we share is the apartment. oh, children, children, you don't have to explain to me.
okay. i'm ready. ooh! chrissy, this is my uncle fremont. well, how do you do. alas, not as well as jack. you have, uh, "friends" like this dropping in all the time? well, uh, actually, chrissy lives here, too. you see, the way we live... i know how you live. you've died and gone to heaven-- that's how you live. ( phone rings ) jack: actually, i met them and there was another roommate... jack, i can't hear! what? who? oh, sorry. uncle fremont, it's a woman-- mona carmichael. mona? how in the world...? tell her, tell her i have nothing to say to her. who's mona carmichael? oh, a woman in san diego trying to get her man. and you know what they say, jack: "stone walls do not a prison make but a lovely woman's money is very hard to shake."
while i unpack. uncle fremont, i'm afraid you can't stay here. see, there's not much room. well, of course he can. what about the sofa? it's very uncomfortable. you'll get used to it. wonderful! where's your kitchen? right through there. terrific! now, while you kids are having fun i'll get dinner ready. ( sighing ) oh, jack, jack... oh, jack, i just love your uncle. he's so full of charm and personality. well, i guess it runs in the family. oh, really? wow, who else has got it? uh-uh! i don't want it to seem like i'm putting him down. i love him. he's great, but there are some things you ought to know about him. ooh. like what? well, he has a habit of giving people gifts he can't afford. well, then how does he pay for them?
those are good gifts. i wish i could say the same for the checks. oh. ( doorbell rings ) oh, no! that's mr. roper! chrissy, calm down! don't panic until you know who it is! okay. now you can panic. oh, no! we'll just, uh, put this in your room, jack. uh... mr. roper: open up, jack. i know you're in there. i recognized your eye. i want my rent. oh, stanley, where are your manners? when you walk in a room you say hello first. hello! i want my rent. don't you ever think of anything but money? listen, i hate it when i expect something at a certain time and i don't get it. i know the feeling.
what do you kids do with all your money? well, most of it probably goes in their swiss bank accounts. they don't have any expenses. when the girls go out their boyfriends pay for everything. well, what about jack? same thing. mr. roper, i'd like you to meet my uncle. what? he's visiting us from san diego. uh, uncle fremont? your kitchen is absolutely charming, dear boy. uncle fremont, i'd like you to meet mr. roper. he's our landlord. he's one of the nicest men you could ever meet. really! coming from jack that really means something. what?! you know, i'm proud of that boy. he's turned out just the way i'd hoped. he has? yeah. his father's the same way, you know. he is? yeah.
it's in the blood-- you can't escape it. you mean his type can get married? well, it happens all the time. jack's father's happily married but that doesn't stop him from having fun. and his wife doesn't mind? not really. she expected that kind of thing. when they got married. she knew he was a... "man's man," if you know what i mean. ...while we still can. hold it! i want my rent, and i want it now. does everybody like pork chops? why, this building is a miracle! just one beautiful woman after another. uncle fremont this is mrs. roper. i'm enchanted. he sure is. mr. roper...
and i will have my share of the rent very soon for you. that's not good enough-- i want it all! now, just a minute. am i to understand that all you need is jack's share of the rent? that's right-- $100. well, that seems little enough. oh, no! no. uncle fremont! one hundred dollars. no! no check! no, please. and no cents!
wait, uncle fremont. where you going to go? well, there's always mona. you remember the lady who called earlier? she's very well-endowed. when you get to be her age, that means you have money. i thought you didn't like her. you didn't even want to talk to her on the phone. well, i've been thinking about it. not so bad. i'll have a comfortable home, a generous allowance. i'll be... taken to... fashion shows, bridge parties, charity balls. mona loves to make an entrance with something decorative on her arm. well, then, she ought to get herself a tattoo. oh, it'll be a splendid life. just think. i'll-i'll never have to worry about having fun again. oh, that poor man. gee whiz, jack. what did you say to him?
that is so cruel. all he did was pass a bad check and you act like it was some sort of crime. so what are we going to do? well, if only we could get that check back. well... there's a way to fix that. will you just stay out of this? he's only trying to help. right. with another phony check. no. this is strictly on the up and up. now-now here is my plan. i will invite the ropers up here for a drink and... by the way do any of you know where mr. roper keeps his checks? one time when i took the rent down i saw him put it in a drawer in his desk. now, while they are up here entranced by my fascinating tales of the far east you will go down there and... and steal the check?! nothing of the kind. you're simply taking back something that belonged to me in the first place. that's right. it's got his name on it and everything.
do you have a better idea? do you think i should wear gloves? oh, wasn't that sweet of jack's uncle to help him out that way? those people stick together, you know? ( doorbell rings ) well, naturally. they're related. in more ways than one. huh? ah, my dear mr. roper i wonder if you and your charming wife would care to join me upstairs for a cocktail or two. i don't think so. i'm kind of tired. his charming wife is wide awake. we'd love to have you, too, mr. roper. no. you and helen go right ahead. you mean, you would trust me alone with your wife? like you were her mother.
i got to catch up on my sleep. poor thing. he hasn't had a nap since this morning. you... you go on ahead. i'd like a moment to myself. why? well, i'm in the midst of composing a poem to your beauty and i haven't finished it yet. ( laughs nervously ) take your time. psst. it's all set. what do you mean all set? roper's still in there. don't worry about him. he said he was going to go to sleep. just be quiet in there. good luck. yeah, good luck. okay, girls, now, i want you to stand guard out here and if you see anybody coming, whistle. i can't whistle.
it will be me and janet and chrissy and my uncle... mr. roper. whistle! whistle! whistle? whistle? whistle-- it's a new dance. come on up. we'll show you how to do the whistle and the hustle. oh, the wine is lovely. not half so lovely as the hand that holds it, my dear. ( laughing ): oh... oh, you can't mean that. what am i saying? jack: it's a little party. stanley, i thought you were taking a nap. i was, but jack woke me up. well, what's a party without shoes? i mean, people. i smell something burning in the kitchen. it might be your dinner, uncle. let's go look at the burning kitchen. didn't get it, huh? he's got it on him. well... he'll just have to give it to us. how will you do that? uh... greed, my dear boy.
now, when we go back out there you find some way to casually bring the conversation around to money. leave that to me. everything's fine. nothing burned. so, everything okay out here? fine, fine. oh, great, great. how you doing, chrissy? you okay? yeah, i'm fine. mrs. roper, everything all right? oh, sure. fine. you okay, mr. roper? i'm okay. good, good. oh, lordy, lordy. so, how much money did you make last year, uncle fremont? uh, uh, well, it wasn't my best year. my investments only brought in a few hundred thousand. few hundred thousand? well, what kind of investments? forget it, stanley. if you owned it, it's sure to go down. listen, maybe i... maybe i could... no, no, no. i never allow my friends to put their money in my investments.
that's true. uh... by the way, there is one little stock. but i would need a deposit. say, uh, a hundred dollars. i have your check. i could endorse it right over to you. why didn't i think of that? you are a very persuasive man, mr. roper. congratulations. thank you. helen, we're going to be rich. i'm so excited. he's excited! excuse me.
hi. how do you do? i'm mona carmichael. i'm jack tripper. mona?! mona, what are you doing here? well, isn't it obvious, darling? i've come for you. well, mona... uh, uh... mona, this is my nephew jack and his friends chrissy and janet. hi. i spoke to you on the phone. really? you sounded much older. i forgive you for not talking to me on the phone. my car is waiting downstairs. i've arranged to have my chauffeur drive us to las vegas where we can be married. the minister will be waiting at the chapel at precisely midnight and i've reserved the bridal suite. i suppose you've selected my wardrobe, also. well, as a matter of fact, yes, i have. she thinks of everything. ( chuckles ) well... good-bye, jack.
janet. you're all very beautiful. and now, my dear mona i have just remembered a lovely little island off the coast of south america where they have the most spectacular sunsets. really? and the most spectacular ladies to help one enjoy them. adios. three's co come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you
where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
oh, stanley, we're going to las vegas? of course. oh...! but not right now. you know, i promised you we'd go a year ago but since then, prices have gone sky high. it would cost me a fortune to go now. like i said, stanley... cheap! ( doorbell rings ) you know the trouble with you, helen? you don't know the value of money. that's 'cause you never let me see any. look, i would like something put away. so would i-- you. hi, i just came to... now, you listen to me, helen. cheap, stanley c-h-e-a-p... cheap. sticks and stones, helen. if i could leave this... sticks and stones. how'd you get in here? well, i rang the bell, and then you... never mind that. what do you think of a woman who wants to drive her husband to the poorhouse?
who wants to drive his wife to the nuthouse? you think i got nothing better to do than to throw my money around? oh, yeah, you got something better to do, stanley but you're stingy with that, too. look, you two probably have a lot of things to talk over so i'll just mosey on... he never thinks of me at all. he never buys me candy or brings me flowers. every time she looks in the department store window she wants everything in the store. last week, she saw a jacket for $400 in the fashion shop. "oh, stanley, i need that jacket. if i don't have that jacket, i'm going to freeze." what do you think of that? well, it does get pretty cold around... will you butt out? you asked me for my opinion. i wouldn't give you two cents for your opinion. he wouldn't give two cents for anything. ( jack laughing ) she's got you there. well, that was pretty funny-- what she... you got to admit, mr. roper, that...
it wasn't that funny. what do you want? well, i just came by to give you the rent money but if you're too busy... i'll take that now. oh, thank you. you're welcome. jack... what? how do you get to understand women? if you want to know a woman, ask another woman. exactly. so, what do you think, jack? about what? well, when i asked her to go to las vegas it didn't cost $600 then. $600? boy, that's money. what should i do? buy her the jacket. what? you'll save money. the trip to vegas is $600? and the jacket costs, what, 400? make a trade-off. that's not bad. still, that's $400. hang on a second. i have a friend who works at the fashion shop she gets a discount, 25%. i could pick up the jacket for you
no kidding. still... that's $300. that's $300. i don't know where i'd get that kind of money. here. yeah, mr. roper, i got the jacket right here. it's gift-wrapped and everything. well, i didn't know if mrs. roper would be home or not so i thought i'd call first. terrific. well, listen, i'll start dinner and then i'll bring it right down. oh, by the way, mr. roper, i got the receipt and it only cost you $299.95. huh? oh, thank you, mr. roper. i can really use that nickel. right. okay. bye. oh, this is so terrific. i got a great card from my mom and dad. oh, here's one from my cousin francis in new jersey.
how do you know? you didn't even open it yet. well, don't you remember? you asked me to mail it for you. right. why, i guess everybody remembered my birthday except you-know-who. who? oh, i know who, and he knows who and you put who and who together and you get him, that's who. jack? who else? listen, chrissy, are you kidding? i know jack didn't forget your birthday. i bet he's got something for you up his sleeve and he's just waiting for the right moment to spring it on you. you really think so? sure. ( gasps ) what's this? what? oh, hey. i don't remember that being there this mor... jack. yeah? yeah. jack. oh, janet. oh, i knew jack wouldn't forget my birthday. wow. that sneaky little devil.